Loneliness and Obedience

I’m reading a book by a Chrisitan journalist from the 70s and 80s, Ann Kimel, called "I'm Running To Win." She decided to run the Boston marathon and was invited to run a marathon in Jeruselum as well. She wasn’t even a runner. She did all of this to achieve a goal but more importantly, to reach out and share Jesus with more people. Her goal was the gospel. She also struggled with something a lot of single Christians struggle with: loneliness and obedience.

“April 22: I am lonely. Several times I’ve started to pick up the phone and call any one of several men I know who would come over as soon as possible. Sophisticated, stimulating men, who feel deeply about me. But I keep putting the receiver down, knowing these men do not stand for what I stand for…or believe in what I believe. These men want more from me than I can give. To be obedient and true, I must stand alone for now. To be true to my dream, I must be pure.

“Jesus, tonight I don’t know what to do with me. It’s a warm spring evening. Here I am…thrilled to be home, feeling sad and confused about loneliness….Jesus, thank You for the tests. For the tough places, for what You are wanting to teach me about spring…and warm evenings…and standing alone…still and quiet…watching Your love develop in my life. Thank You that when I am lonely, I am more sensitive to the hurts and needs around me.”



“August 23: A clear, cool, summer night. I would have loved to share it with a man. Two different men called me tonight…terrific men…handsome…wealthy. I feel close to them. It would have been hard to stay true. Through the power and strength of Jesus, I obeyed.

“My obeying God hurts those who don’t believe Him more than it hurts me. They don’t get their way. Their plans are thwarted. But I am safe and steadfast and sure in the arms and will of God. Obedience is the greatest source of peace and security to the believer. As I obey God with regard to the men who want what I cannot give, I feel a growing sense of wholeness at the center of me. The wholeness comes from saying “no” to wrong and “yes” to God.

“There is pain in obedience…but it is never so great as the pain of disobedience. There is no desire so great as the desire to obey God in my life.”

Faithfully

So, about two months ago, I screwed up pretty badly. The high horse I was riding on decided to buck me off. Well, I wouldn't really say I was on a high horse...I just had a problem with Christians ignoring their sin patterns. I do stupid stuff that does not glorify God. I did something pretty stupid. I guess that's what makes us all human. But as I went to bed that night, I actually asked God to punish me. I wanted to be grounded or something. I wanted to feel the discipline so that I could repent.

The next morning, I woke up humming a little tune. I felt happy and the tune became louder. I suddenly realized I was singing "Faithfully" by Journey. Huh? Had I heard that song the night before? No...weird....

As I lay there half awake, I heard Noel's voice say inside my head, "Even when you're not faithful, He is."

I sat up in my bed with tears in my eyes.

Yes, there are consequences to my actions, good and bad but there was no punishment. By asking for it, I was negating what Christ already did for me. I wasn't faithful but Christ was. He would heal me if I let Him and I was going to let Him. I confessed the sin to a close friend, repented and hopped right back on the road. I cycled a little bit and started to fall a little bit more but God's righteous hand either slapped me up for being so stupid....or it caught me.

Fun digging up the church yard

Chuck and April

If you read this blog from the beginning, you'll see the mention of Chuck Wynn more and more. I knew of him around Riverview but didn't really get to know him until I took the first Route 66 class in the fall of 2004. Then, we became buddies and he was there to answer a lot of my questions. In fact, if you go back to the comments made in 2004/2005, you'll see who my network was when I was a baby Christian: Noel, Dan, Steve, Joey and Chuck. Those were the ones leading me, helping me to understand.

Chuck has taught me so much. Because the Lord has used Him, I was able to grow in my understanding and have a solid knowledge of the Bible. He taught me about the Samaritan woman and the cup I was holding out for others to fill. He helped me during my crappy time when I could barely function and needed to confess stuff. I remember that day so well. Lunch with the VP of our company, personal stuff on my mind controlling my physical self....calling Chuck afterwards and saying, "i've had enough. I need to tell you what's been going on" and then sobbing.

He helped me be accountable. He helped me grow. He rocked out to the Mega 80s with Joey and I. He's been an awesome friend and mentor.

And he married one awesome person who has been there for me, too.

Man, I'm needy.

Thank you, Chuck and April and thank you for inviting me to a beautiful wedding.

More pictures....

Joey and Katie Moss. I love this girl.

The Unsinkables being shown the new iphone by none other...

Harry Potter

A few weeks ago, the night Deathly Hallows was released, Joey and I took my nephew to Kroger (of all places) to purchase said book. We got there around 11:30 p.m. The young lad started to get bored in line...and antsy. Joey suddenly turned to the laundry detergent display next to us and said, "Okay, Brad. Let's see how long you can hold these bottles of all with your arms out."

Brad shrugged and said, "okay."

Suddenly, the guy in front of us said, "I'm in."

So, this is a picture of some stranger and my nephew in a contest of strength and determination at Kroger on a Friday night.

True Harry Potter fans.

I love this picture.

How did this happen?

I'm not a Christian.

I'm not a runner.

I'm not engaged.

I'm not an adult.


So...how did I get to be an engaged, Christian adult who is addicted to running 5Ks?

I'm not sure how any of this happened. Looking back, I know I didn't have a defining moment when God chose me. He kept mentioning it all summer of 2003. I think I finally put my own rifle down in August of that year but I didn't take up His cross until 2004.

And now it's 2007. I have to admit, I'm not a baby Christian anymore. So...how the heck did all of it happen?!

When I first became a Christian, I did not have people running to my side to help me learn the Bible. I had one person, Joey. He took me to Borders in September of 2003 and we picked a Bible out together. Joey was the one I bounced my questions to...and then Noel....and then Reta Corr...I barely knew my pastors. I didn't know anyone at Riv.

BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

2004 was so much more defining. Dan and Suzanne came into my life. Sommerlot and I got to know each other. Kate Mazur and I met and she became my mentor. Chuck Wynn was also a defining person who taught me about the Bible. It was the teachings at Riverview. It was the encouragement of these people. All of this somehow brought me from out of the darkness.

And it blows my mind.

I could have slipped through the cracks. I could have listened to even my best friends who thought I had gone crazy. I could have taken on too much as a new believer. But God introduced me to the people He needed me to know....and the ones who helped me grow....

2005 was really when the permanent peeps were sent to me. Jennwy, Peter, Yi...my closest friends. Defining moments in a movie theater lobby and on a small journey to Germany. A harsh reality where I turned away from Christ and followed myself. People rallied around me.

2006 was like a rebuilding year and Joyce taught me even more. God sent me on another mission trip as a runner, which I'm not, and here I am in 2007.

This was not a phase. This was a lifestyle change. This was me realizing that it wasn't about me at all. And now, I cannot say I am a baby Christian. I can't say that when I read Randi-Kay's blog or listen to someone who doesn't know how to pray. These four years have tested my faith, refined it and strengthened it. I do know how to pray. I do know a lot of the answers to people's questions. I do not get as timid as I used to (though I still do!). I somehow grew up even though I'm still growing...but I'm not falling down as much.

Trials will still come my way. Friends will leave and new friends are waiting to be met. Lessons are waiting to reveal themselves. And I am not afraid because I am not alone.


Lord of all that's right
With all your might
Please hold me
Father, take me
Into your arms
Save.....
me from harm
Be thou my guide
KEEP.MY.STEPS. RIGHT.

From my friend, Eric Fields

Matthew 4:8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." 10 Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" 11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

The Lord has been dealing with me for the last few months, and I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that at times I questioned Him; my faith, my life , decisions, (ect..), in the midst of it all. The strange thing is that now I feel as though I’m hearing Him more clearly than I ever have before. I’m fortunate in that I’ve had good Christian teaching, and knew enough to allow God to do what he wanted to do in me.

There was a point where I thought I saw a way out and really struggled as to whether to take it. Ultimately I decided that I would have to let things run their course, or else I’d only have to go through another trial down the road (that’s how it works with God!). The long and short of this thought is this: Jesus was tempted of Satan with the very things that God had promised him. We’ve been taught that time and time again. What we often miss in this verse is that the temptation wasn’t have the things (He was going to have them anyway). The temptation was that He could have them now! The temptation was that he wouldn’t have to suffer death, at the cross to get them. Satan came when Jesus was weak tired and hungry, and offered Him a quick way out (sort of like casinos, or the lottery huh?J) Sure, he would have gotten the things; but He would have never seen the glory of God, and neither will you if you bite from the apple of the immediate.

Serving God isn’t easy; but Jesus proved that it’s well worth the price!

Thought for the day....

Acts 22:15 You will be his witness to all men of what you have seen and heard. (NIV)


We can choose the kind of person we want to be for God. We can choose whether we want to be a pipeline or a kitchen sink. When we are a pipeline we worship and experience the real power of God flowing through us. When we are a pipeline, we dedicate our life to carrying the love of God out to everyone in the world. When we are a kitchen sink, we don't deliver much. As a sink, we are receivers rather than deliverers. There are times in our life when we are overwhelmed. In times of being overwhelmed we are seldom equipped to deliver anything. In times when we are overwhelmed, we are then a sink because we need to collect the living water of God. However, even when we are overwhelmed, we must remember our true mission in life is to carry the love of God out to others. Even when we are overwhelmed by our trials and afflictions, God gives us the spiritual power to shine His light and love out to the world.

Compassion

Several years ago, my friend Dave G. and I decided to sponsor kids from other countries. I got Melvin through World Vision. Dave received Jonathon through Compassion International.

Now, the story gets really sad but it has purpose.

Two weeks ago, Dave was contacted by Compassion and told that Jonathon was electrocuted in a freak storm. Here is part of the article which is loosely translated (if you skip through this article, please be sure to read the end):

Reynaldo Perez Aguilar, coordinator of the Council of the Citizen Power of the district Roberto Alvarado, in Mateare, said yesterday that they will denounce to Fenosa Union before the Police of Sandino City, by the tragedy happened to a woman and to two children in that municipality.

“What he lets to us glimpse he is that there was negligence of Fenosa Union because we have a key witness, who is a neighbor, and to the son of the passed away lady which they watched that at the hour that was divided the cable by the ray that fell to him, this one was left without energy, then the cable was in the ground and they (the victims), do not move of the place because they did not think that Fenosa Union was going to return to put the energy”, indicated Perez Aguilar.

HE WAS UNEXPECTED
Nevertheless, Jorge Katín, manager of Communication of Fenosa Union, said in the first place that he laments the situation because three people passed away.

He indicated that it was a fortuitous fact. “We are before an accident where the victims received a unloading of more than 13 thousand volts and passed away right away. The tragedy could not be anticipated”, emphasized Katín.

It added that already they have the report of the Firemen and the Police where they indicate clearly that one was an accident.

It showed that before a possible denunciation of the relatives of the deceaseds, they already have documents where they will demonstrate that she was an accident after a ray divided the cable, which fell in the house and where there was water.

Katín indicated that the cables of high tension belong to Fenosa Union.

THEY TOOK
Reynaldo Perez Aguilar contradicts to Katín and assured that since the cable fell to the ground, in the house the light went and this one returned to the three minutes and is when energizó everything.

It indicated that the district supports to the family of the victims in the denunciation.
“In that one is (in the denunciation) and not only the relatives and the district, also Mr. Alcalde de Mateare (Mario Acuña), goes to support to us in that direction (in the denunciation) against Fenosa Union”, emphasized Perez Aguilar.

“I believe that tomorrow (today) we are going to put to us in agreement with the relatives and would denounce the case, in Sandino City”, he emphasized Perez.

SON WAS SAVED
Donaldo Montiel, of 17 years, son of Maria Edith Rivas Martinez, of 48 years, one of the victims, was the unique one who were saved.

“The light went away and returned and there it was where my mother, my brother and my nephew (Jonathon) were left patches. They requested aid, I I touched to my mother but by the energizado field she threw to me against the wall of the house that was also with energy”, detailed the adolescent.

“When it was receiving the electrical charge was singing and praying and my nephew (Jonathan Vallecillo) it requested aid to me that helped because it did not resist the load and my brother (Alexander him Montiel Rivas) to only was seeing me. No longer it spoke”, indicated Donaldo Montiel.

Montiel continues narrating the tragedy that happened to him to its mother, brother and nephew.

She indicated that today the family will meet to analyze the denunciation. “My family, my uncles and I am going to demand to Fenosa Union”.

Please pray for Jonathon's family as they sort through this tragedy and for Dave because it is difficult to lose someone you never even met, sometimes. Jonathon's pictures he drew Dave and his smiling picture adorn Dave's cube at work. It is tough. But there is something which makes this way less difficult.

“He died praying. I watched when my nephew fell to the ground and he left blood to him by the mouth, also to my brother. My mother said `to me watches son, we are going away to see in the light' and finishing saying those words right away closed the eyes, left a tear to him and died”, related the adolescent Donaldo Montiel.

Little Jonathon died praying to God. It could have been a faith developed a long time ago. It could have been the outreach through Compassion. That certainly helped as Jonathon was taught about Jesus through Compassion. One difference which makes this tragedy peaceful.

This whole thing made me remember why I started sponsoring in the first place. God put it on my heart. I didn't have a lot of money when I started sponsoring Melvin. Dave was scraping by sometimes but still managed to sponsor Jonathon. Doesn't it make all the different in eternity?

I'm THAT girl

I started getting a shin splint...oh...about a month ago. I did what I thought best which was ignorning it. For some reason, it got worse. Now, it's severe.

This poses a problem because I have to run a 1/2 marathon in October. I need to start training this week.

I also have had to rethink my shoe apparel. While Randi-Kay contemplates the new Nine West shoes, I've had a different revelation: I must wear shoes which are supportive, not nec. cute.

I'm that girl.

Yuck!

So, here's to my first pair of supportive sandals which will help me run which is my goal.

I mourn the loss on super cute shoes but I'm not getting rid of them completely. Not until I have to.

Thanks for not laughing too hard, Randi-Kay.

It's been a long while...

It's not that I don't want to blog anymore. Really it isn't. I just don't have much access and when I do, that access is used for RivRunners, Myspace and Facebook. It's been an interesting summer. Crazy, silly, sad, fun. Of course, God is still growing me up and Jesus still loves me.

RivRunners has been amazing. This is a group of runners the Lord has pulled together to glorify Him and I think we've been doing a pretty good job (pats self on back). I do give to this group a lot. My free time, my imagination, my love for Jesus...it really does get put into RivRunners. I get way more in return, though which wasn't my intention. This past weekend, I decided to do an informal 5K. I imagined a stopwatch, some cones marking the route and bagels at the finish line. What I got was a calibrated wheel which marked the course officially, chalk arrows showing the runners where to go, a police pacer (Todd on a 10 speed), a water station, a starter pistol, an offical clock from Mid Michigan Track & Field and more support than I ever thought was possible. The group has blessed me. The bonds I have formed and the relationships that have strengthened...amazing. It's crazy when you really put your time and efforts into something and then you start to see the fruits....your reward becomes triple and all you ever really wanted to do was find some people to run with. Thank you, Lord.

Our friends have been great through the ordeal with my brother-in-law, too. Thank you for your prayers and support. It's meant a lot. He's at home now but his health a little shakey.

I miss Harry Pooter (Simpsons movie).

Okay, I must go now. We are late for another place to be!

Love you all....

Holly

Grandma King

Joey's Grandma King passed away at 2:20 a.m. this morning. We kissed the top of her head and said goodbye at 1:30 a.m. When we left, we knew it was the last time but her heart beat was so strong we thought...maybe?

Joey would be much better writing about Janet. What I know about her is so general. She is from a town in Ohio called Mogadore. Her relatives had a rich history there. She met and married Joe Morgan who died of Lupus when their son was six and their daughter, Reta, was just four. A short time later, she married one of the most eligible bachelors in the area, Robert King. They had two more children, Laura and Robin. Somehow, she came to live in the Lansing area and was a member of First Christian Church.

She was in pain most of the time I knew her due to rheumatoid arthritis. It destroyed her feet and her hands. She was a tiny woman with a fiery attitude but she could also be sweet and reflective.

Grandma King fought to accept the grace given to us by God. She just couldn't see how He could really forgive us. I watched last night in her last hours as her grandson, named after her first husband, whispered in her ear, "let go, Grandma. It's okay. We love you but you can go now." When we opened her Bible, there was a note which said, "read John 5:36." So we read it to her.

36"I have testimony weightier than that of John. For the very work that the Father has given me to finish, and which I am doing, testifies that the Father has sent me. 37And the Father who sent me has himself testified concerning me. You have never heard his voice nor seen his form, 38nor does his word dwell in you, for you do not believe the one he sent. 39You diligently study[c] the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, 40yet you refuse to come to me to have life.

41"I do not accept praise from men, 42but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts. 43I have come in my Father's name, and you do not accept me; but if someone else comes in his own name, you will accept him. 44How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God[d]?

We took a break from our visit to have a wonderful dinner with my aunt Ginny and uncle Lynn. It was such a great time. Lots of laughter, lots of planning. We visited the Coles and the Yi afterward and really felt the exhaustion as we drove back to Holt. We wanted to wait until tomorrow to see her again but my heart was leading us back to Janet...and all Joey needed was the reassurance to go.

So we went back and spent the last few hours with her. We probably had too good of a time, laughing with Joey's cousins Travis and Jessica along with Aunt Diana. But there were serious moments, too, like when Jessica discovered Grandma's feet had turned blue within an hour. This young, college co-ed rubbed lotion on her dying grandmother's feet to bring them back. She then rubbed lotion on her arms and massaged her legs. I will never forget this image of Jessica in bed with Grandma as Joey rubbed Grandma's head and held her hand.

We drove home that night listening to "Nothing But The Blood" by Ish. I must mention how moving it is when you need to hear a hymn like this one and this particular time but you not only need to hear the hymn but two of your friends voices are singing it to you.

I dropped Joey off at his house and was in my bed by 2:05. She died soon after and Joey called me around 3:00. I felt relief that this woman didn't have to struggle for breath anymore. I had knelt next to her bed praying for Jesus to come and take her. She was a fighter. She came through several heart surgeries. She was in and out of the hospital taunting death but it needed to be over now. Thank you, Jesus.

It is sad that she will not be at our wedding. She never got to see any of her grandchildren marry and she never held a great-grandchild. She also never met her unborn grandchild due at Thanksgiving. Of course, there's a million other things she never did but the things that count are the ones did do. Janet was loved and loved and was saved from her sins.

Check it out

http://rivrunner.blogspot.com/

Dependence Day

Two years ago today, I was flying over the Atlantic arriving home from an exhausting journey. I was so happy and relieved to be back in the U.S. The first thing I did when I got off the plane was buy a Vernor's.

So much has changed since then but I'm still glad to be right where I am.

Joey and I went to Columbus to visit a very sick friend this past weekend. The trip was a little intense for us and at one point, I was calling anyone I could think of asking for prayer. I got through to Suz and she prayed for me over the phone. Really, this weekend was about not listening to Satan tell me I'm not good enough to do work for God. It was about having faith, not fear, when God asks you to do something.

We met up for dinner with Bob and Terra. Bob is Krissie's ex-boyfriend turned best friend and Terra is his fiance. We had fun seeing downtown Columbus and then seeing the house Bob and Terra are moving into after their marriage in October.

We stayed at Terra's house. She lives with her parents and her father is the head pastor of the church. Christ is so cool (I say that all the time). These people didn't even know us but put us up for the night. And the rooms were like out of a bed and breakfast. Four poster, canopy beds with plush duvet's and a step stool to get into the bed.

The following morning we attended church with them. I felt like we were on a TV show. Everything was so white and big. The church was huge and it made me wonder if this is what Riv will look like soon. It made me almost wish to keep our church the same.

The pastor who taught said something really cool. Christians have the freedom to obey and freedom comes to those who walk in obedience.

During our trip, Joey and I were listening to Paul Harvey. He said the following: Americans think freedom means Independence but really it is a DEPENDENCE to follow the laws of this nation in order to keep it free. Our founding fathers did not see this as an opportunity to go nuts with freedoms. They were dependent on God and His will. Freedom not to do whatever you want, but freedom to do what you ought.

Transformers

We got in line two and a half hours early. Really, it wasn't necessary but it made Jr. and Joey feel better. Plus, we beat the other nerds there by about 15 minutes. We were decked out in our Transformers t-shirts and ready to roll out. Here is the cast of characters:

Joey
Les
Amy Corr
Me
Bradley
Lyndsay
Reta
Denny
Rebecca
Bobby D
Ben Shoe

Weird but there were a TON of Christians there. Yes, we can pick each other out in a crowd (plus we saw you there in the second row, JR Miller).

Truly, I liked this movie. Some of it was a little too sexual for the younger crowd and some of the humor was...dumb...but it was the humor I like. I never watched Transformers growing up but I could really buy into the whole nostalgia stuff and I knew some of it came from the cartoon. Plus, seeing Joey as excited as I am over a chocolate martini made me happy.

Seriously, go see this movie. Don't make me slap you.

Rainbow

She was a little freaked out when the doctor said, "We're going to need you to come back in for an ultrasound." During the previous appointment, the doctor had said the lump was nothing to be concerned about and an ultrasound probably wasn't necessary. Now it was.

She tried not to panic as she waited for the nurse but breast cancer at 31, or any age, was enough to freak out about. Her baby was going to a year old on Wednesday and father's day was sad. It had been far too long since her dad died and she could really use his reassurance right now. He was always there for her and had promised her rainbows when things went wrong. The day he died, a rainbow stretched across the sky and made her smile.

The technician entered the room and began the ultrasound. The tech found the lump and she held her breath as fear crept into her body.

"Is it still raining outside?" the tech suddenly asked.

She couldn't believe this person was making small talk!

"Uh, yeah, when I came in it was."

"Ya know, I saw the biggest rainbow this morning. It was the biggest I'd ever seen," the tech went on.

Chills went down her spine and peace settled over her. She knew at that moment everything was going to turn out fine.

And it did. The lump turned out to be scar tissue from a previous surgery.

"I just knew my dad was with me, Holly, and God, too," she told me just moments ago.

"Rainbows are a promise from God," I responded.

God is so cool.

Crusin with the Crew

Wednesdays (most of them) from 7-9 pm I can be heard live on the Crusin with the Crew show on 1460 AM or on your internet www.wpon.com. It's been pretty fun interviewing Paul Le Mat and Davy Jones from the Monkees. I'm not that great of a special guest/host but I've been having a blast. My parents listen online and call in requests. You can, too because I think we have 4 or 5 other listeners.

Weird Week

This week has been incredibly weird.

First, the flight that went down in Lake Michigan. How freaky is that?

Then, the girl who was abducted from the Target parking lot in Kansas. It made women everywhere pay more attention to their surroundings.

And then, a popular disc jockey on WMUZ, a Christian radio station, died suddenly on Monday night at the age of 46. Rhonda Hart did the morning show on this station. She went to lunch with her colleagues, went home and died in her sleep.

I also heard about some lost pregnancies.

Man, my prayers are with you all and I'm really praying for a less creepy week.

Turn and face the strange....

Remember how I wrote about not really wanting to change so I felt like God was going to change my surroundings to shake me up a bit? I still hold to that.

Someone recently told me they think I don't like death because I don't like change. There are some changes people embrace but I think every kind of change means letting go of something else...and when you let go of that something else, most times there is a little bit of sadness there.

I do not think I have a problem with death. It just happens in my life a lot. I have a friend who has never been to a funeral where he knew the person personally. I attended my first funeral at the age of 12. So you see, I do think death is sad even if the person was a Christian but I find it devastating if the person wasn't. I think my outlook is a pretty healthy one.

But this post isn't about death...so to speak.

I moved into a new apartment last week. Well, technically, it's new but I actually lived in the apartment across the parking lot in 2003. The whole thing is freaking me out. As much as I loved 2003, I don't want to go back there and I feel like I went back in time. My apartment faces a different direction but it is the same, exact set up. The other day, I thought about who I was the last time I moved in which would have been October 2002.

Who moved me the first time? Dean, Errol, my mom and Francois.
Who moved me in this time? Joey, Travis and Yi

I was dating BT last time.
I am engaged to JAC now.

My closest friends were Ry, Bek, Ang, Patrick, Russ, Andy, Jake, M & B and BT
Now: JAC, Yi, Jennwy, Peter, Krissie and some other people who I am growing closer to all the time. Please don't misunderstand. I still love the people I was close to then and I'm still somewhat close to them now but not like we were. Our lives have changed. Crazy thing is that I didn't even know the people I would consider my closest peeps today. Didn't even know they existed. That thought hit me so hard when I was walking through my living room on Wednesday. There was no Yi. There were no Awesomes. No Lilly's. No Megs. None of them except for Joey but he was a memory at the time. All of that changed me. And why was that?

Then: I followed me.
Now: I follow Christ.

I became a Christian while I lived in these apartments in 2002-2003. In the past week, I have found myself in various spots and remembered certain things. This is where Joey signed my Bible. This is where my mom and I had a discussion. Joey told me he loved me right here. I shared the gospel for the first time in this room.

It's crazy. So many things have been reminding me how far I have come as a Christian. A friend of mine told me not to measure my "progress" but hey, I have come a long way! I have another posting about that later, though.

Let me know if you want to come visit me. I get really lonely (especially without cable TV).

The Unsinkables

They walked down the aisle to some movie soundtrack.

They walked back down the aisle to another movie soundtrack.

They had us sing two hymns during the wedding and I loved both.

The wedding party came out to the reception to the A-Team theme song.

The groom dedicated a Wilco song to his wife.

They cut the cake with a sword.

They had buffet "stations": Italian, Chinese, American and a mashed potato bar.

You've got to be kidding me.

Meg's wedding was simply fantastic and awesome. I am so honored she asked me to be a witness to her vows. I pray the Unsinkables will be unsinkable. I'll miss our Meg because we are losing her to Cincinnati...but we are gaining a David. Thank you, Meg for a lovely wedding.

The other parts of the weekend were interesting, too.

We left a little late for Ohio. An unplanned stop to Woody's Oasis and Wendy's held us up. The trip down there was full of interesting discussions between Joey, Yi, Peter and I. Jenny, Dana and Amanda were in the car in front of us. We each paid $35 total for a two night stay at a really nice hotel. We went to breakfast at a restaurant called Riverview. Yeah, that's right.

Riverview restaurant.

After we ate, we decided to sight see. Except, I forgot to pack a strapless bra...so, we spent the afternoon at the mall. Yeah, totally American. But we had fun and look at the yummy treat which greeted us:
The wedding and reception were in an old, beautiful church.

I love this picture.

Such a fantastic time.

On the way home, we got to see the scary Jesus in the daylight, drove through lake waters trying to get back home, and stopped at Peter's favorite restaurant: Schlotzsky's. Here is a picture of pure happiness:

Honeycombs

Two weeks ago, I was minding my own business, driving home from work when the DJ on the radio suddenly mentioned Honeycomb cereal. I suddenly had a craving I couldn't get rid of. I drove straight to the store and purchased a large box. That was on a Monday. By Friday, they were gone. All me.

I knew I couldn't get through the weekend without them so Joey and I went to Kroger last Friday and I purchased another big box. I took my first bite and....yuck. They were gross...stale. Sunday, we returned them to the store and I tool a chance on another box. We had a winner.

The side-story to this is that my step-dad does the grocery shopping. He always buys whatever my mom and I desire. So, I mentioned my new Honeycomb addiction. Dean went to the store Wednesday and bought some. This morning, he decided he would have a bowl. My mom approached him as he exclaimed, "well...would you look at this! They sold me a box of cereal that's already been opened...AND it look at the sticker on it!" My mom read the sticker: Customer Return...Not for Resale...Scan out as Known Loss." They both stood there for a moment when my mom suddenly started laughing. "Where did you buy these from, Dean?" "Kroger."

Yes, this is the box of Honeycombs that wouldn't go away. It is the exact same box I returned to Kroger on Sunday and here they are, back at home. But they will be going back to Kroger again and I'm going to watch the employee throw them out. It's crazy. I mean, I realize Holt is a small town but is it really that small?

Another one passes on

Dan says I write about death a lot. Not that I do it in an unhealthy way, according to him. I wonder why I do. I know it's because it keeps happening in my life. It started when I was 12 and will continue until I pass on.

I almost didn't write this entry because I don't want people to think I'm obsessed with death or things related to death. Then I realized Dan wasn't putting me down. It's just a part of me, a part of all of us. That's the deal, right? You get to be born and you get to die. Well, except for me. I won't die.

My step-father's mother passed away Monday around 2:30ish. My sister and I were having a conversation about her and how morbid everyone was being about the situation. We thought people were giving up on her and she needed something more. As we were talking, the Lord took his daughter home. I found out about 10 minutes later. Incredible sadness came over me but I was also stunned.

Grandma (Mary) Cook was such a spitfire. She was sharp and witty; a short woman devoted to her Catholic faith. She modeled as a young lady and went on to marry, have three children and then divorce. She lived near St. Lawrence hospital with Miss Kitty and loved her garden. She was a part of the red hat society which kept her busy. She did my mom's taxes. She e-mailed.

Grandma Cook did something remarkable for me two years ago. She found out about the mission trip to Koln and paid the last $200 we needed to go. Of course, now I'm kicking myself because I never got around to showing her the pictures or telling her any of the stories. I also could have visited more...regrets do hurt.

Joey and I went to visit her about a month ago. She was staying in the St. John's nursing home. This is a place people get parked to pretty much die. We found her curled up, half asleep on her bed. Waking up, she was pleased to see us there. We visited awhile and talked about heaven. She said that after she was done with purgatory, then the blessed mother would great her and take her to Jesus. Joey and I just smiled. She didn't seem to scared to die but she made it known she wasn't ready to give up. I'm just not sure what happened...

Today was sad. I'm truly feeling the extinction of a generation. I know this is how Mary felt watching her grandparents and parents die. And I know the death is not permanent but it still feels a little more lonely in this world. As I gain years, the time is running out. Gain and loss. It will be so painful to watch the old ones die as the new ones are born. One generation fades as another burns brightly. Sometimes, it doesn't make any sense to me. At the most, I have faith in a God that conquered death and I just don't see how anyone could get through it without Jesus...um...cuz you can't.

"If you can't obey God, how can you resist the devil?" JM

Joey and I weren't going to make a big deal about it but we decided to quit drinking for a little while. It just seemed like so many of our Christian friends were taking advantage of their freedom to drink. We wanted to swing back the other way by showing its okay not to drink as a Christian, too. It was kind of funny but the only place this became difficult was at a "Christian" party. So anyway, that's our story and why we've declined your drink offers. Though, we appreciate the understanding that comes along with it, too.

I can't wait for a chocolate martini.

So, this is the guy I'm going to marry...

Joey and I went to see Spider man 3 last Sunday. The lights dimmed and from the corner of my eye, I saw Joey point his wrist toward the movie screen. Was he...pretending to be Spidey? I turned my head for a better look. Sure enough, his fingers were pointed and his wrist was up Spidey style. He didn't see me see him...at first. But I couldn't control my laughter. How flippin cute is that? Crazy cute is what it is....

Yesterday, Joey's sister, Joey and I were at the parent's house. Joey wanted to go saleing--garage saleing. So, the three of us set out. Over the course of several houses, Joey managed to get a free coffee maker and free HD antena thingy. Bekkie, Joey's sister, said, "who is this guy?! People just give him stuff." Yeah, it's like that a lot of times when you roll with JC. People just love him and they aren't sure why.

I'm going to be on the radio tonight from 7pm to 9pm. No one in Lansing can listen but I guess you can listen online at www.wpon.com. I'll be talking about the movie American Graffiti and interviewing Paul Le Mat who played John Milner in the movie. I'm finally using my college degree :o0

That storm last night was pretty crazy. I was reading next to my window and the light was fading. A hot breeze was floating into the room and it suddenly took a sharp, cold turn. As if God had blown a candle out, so went the lights in my condo. The wind picked up fiercely and then the rains came. Not a whole lot of lightening and thunder, though. I love Spring :o)

Edges are scary places

As a runner, I know I have to be careful when the ground I'm running on changes. I don't especially like the shoulder but it is a little softer and easier on the body. Transitioning from the concrete to the shoulder can be tricky because you can easily fall off the edge. Do that and you might have a twisted ankle, knee or something else horrible.

Thoughts churn through my mind while running and the other day, the following popped in there:

• I need to be careful when I move over for cars. I could fall off the pavement and get really hurt. It might take a long time to recover.

• Whoa. Life is like that, isn't it?

• The razor sharp line Noel talked about...this is like that, except I can't run on the line. I have to pick one or the other: the road or the shoulder. But that's the line. If I run too far into the road, I could be roadkill. If I run too far off the shoulder, the roadkill could eat me.

I thought about some friends of mine who seem to be falling off their road. They are going too far into the land of temptation. Dare I say this but...I remember when I was caught in my sin cycle a couple of years ago. I would do the sin thinking, "I'll just repent right afterwards." Do Christians abuse their forgiveness? Do we sometimes take advantage of what Christ did for us? "I'll do this sin now because I'm already covered."

I'm pretty charged up about Christians acting like a bunch of asses right now (that statement might just make me a hypocrite). I prayed the other day for us as a whole. Yes, we need to be in the world but people need to see something different in us! Why do we continue to gossip? Why are we getting drunk? Doing drugs? Curse like it is part of our everyday language? Have sex? Stay up late acting like a fool? Cutting people off in traffic? Demanding our own way? How is any of this different than a pre-Christian??

They need to see a difference in us to ask us about it. We can screw up, I get that but why aren't some of us changing? The other day, I asked Joey if people hear the same messages I do at Riverview. A week later, he asked me the same question. It isn't that he and I are perfect but the Holy Spirit is so alive with us...it puts the brakes on or points out our sin soon afterward.

When you become a Christian, you shed your reputation and become a new creation...to God. But to everyone else, you are still the same person. Now, however, you are carrying Christ's reputation with you. After some time, people see that light and ask you about it. But you can't carry the reputation of Christ inside of you, go out and get drunk without feeling like something is wrong. The other day, I caught myself gossiping. I caught myself? No, the Holy Spirit pointed it out to me. I had to repent. The next time I want to gossip, I'll feel that stopping signal. I can ignore it or listen.

Are you feeling me out there? Am I being too harsh? Please understand I'm not ragging on people who have a problem. They know they do...I hope. But the ones who are falling off the road, or falling off the edge, they are walking too close to it and flirting with too much danger. I know because I've fallen, as we all have. I challenge all of us to truly listen to the Spirit instead of silencing it.

Myers Family

This picture makes me want to have a good cry. I look at this family and almost forget what my friend Jason was like as a single guy. All of those wrong turns led to the right turn with Greta. And now, when I see how God has blessed them, it makes me want to cry...in a good way. They all look so meant to be, as they are.

So....uh...Greta, can you do a wedding on May 25, 2008? I LOVE your photography...and all of you. Can't wait to meet the babies.

I hung up the phone and continued to dry my hair. "Damn," I thought as the news sank in more. As I rushed around the condo, my memory traveled to and event that happened years and years ago, but it changed my life completely.

The name of the street I grew up on was Five Point Hwy. The reason I lived there was because my mom and I were shacking up with her boyfriend, Lee. Lee had grown up in the house we lived in. His three best friends all lived within 5 miles of each other. There was Alan Shumaker and Allen Tirrell, the farmers and then Kevin Fullerton, the fire chief. They all played softball together and I remember spending a lot of time at their homes as a youngster. Allen and Alan were so close they ended up marrying Cindy and Sharon, sisters. Not their sisters...watch it.... They also divorced these sisters and remarried.

1988 was a rough year. My friend Kim had died in March (just for your reference, I knew Kim because Cindy married her Kim's father). I had also started going to Charlotte Jr. High, which I hated. The weather was bleak in November and I remember watching the snow fall from Cindy's living room window in Jackson. The phone rang and Karen, Kim's sister, answered. She came into the living room in shock.

"Allen Tirrell died."

I couldn't comprehend her words. "Allen Tirrell...as in Uncle Allen?" We had always called him that.

It was true. The second horrible part was that he died on Five Point Hwy...a mile from my house. Cindy told us to pack our stuff because she was taking us home early. The events of the day unfolded as we drove back to Charlotte.

We don't know why Allen was driving east on Five Point. It was early, early morning when he crashed. We also never found out why...but we knew where: the little country bridge, just before Brookfield Road. His truck hit the cement pillar of the little bridge. He flew forward into the windshield and his life was over.

Kevin, the other best friend of the group, arrived on the scene afterward. He was the first one. The way I remember it was that Kevin didn't realize it was Allen's truck. He didn't recognize his best friend slumped over the steering wheel. Being a firefighter, he called the authorities but the jaws of life had to be used to pull Allen out. When Kevin realized who the victim was...well, I was never told that part of the story.

The funeral was sad. Allen's wife, 2 year-old son and 1-year-old daughter were there. His whole family and all of his friends were there, too. Yeah, two devastating funerals in one year for all of them. Allen had helped carry Kim's casket.

The accident was crazy close to where I lived. If you can view this map, you'll see Brookfield Road and then to the left, the third house down on the right, was mine. We rode our bikes down there in the spring, finding pieces of broken glass, plastic, remnants from a horrible day. But it also changed my life directly. After the accident, Lee spent most of his free time in the bar, not coming home to us. My mom was finally tired of it all and that following summer, we left. It probably would have happened anyway, but his death was the catalyst.

I thought about all of this as I drove into work today. When I got to work, I didn't search the name Allen Tirrell. I searched the name Duane Tirrell and found this article on LSJ.com:

Charlotte man was devoted to land--Duane Tirrell died doing what he loved: farming

So, now Allen's brother is gone now, too. My prayers go to a family who has lost so much.

If You Won't Change, I'll Change Everything Else

Months ago, the Lord told me to do something I didn’t want to do. Over and over the message came at me but I couldn’t do it and I still don’t want to. I do have free will, right? The problem is in my faith. Do I think God is going to leave me out in the cold? Do I not trust Him with my best interests?

A few years ago, God wanted me to make a change in my life. I fought it. So, God did something else. He changed everything on the outside. He moved me to a new area in the company. He moved all of my close friends away from me. He moved me physically to a new housing situation. I wouldn’t move…so He moved me. Finally, I said okay. It would have turned out better had I followed Him after saying okay to Him but I followed myself.

Last week, I realized God is doing this again. He is moving me physically because I won’t move spiritually. I’m going to be on a new team with a new supervisor in two weeks. I need to move into a new apartment in a few weeks, too. God is precise and direct. Will I finally say yes to Him?

Stars shine
Trees Grow and if I stay
Unchanged
I fear the rocks will cry out...

What a weekend

It started with waiting for Joey to finish coaching softball. Then, we went to Finley's for a Michigan Cherry Salad. I felt blah so I went back to my mom's to sleep.

Saturday, I lied to the RivRunners, causing them to run further than normal. Next, Jenny and I did a mad dash to the mall to buy Meg some embarrassing gifts. At Meg's bridal shower, we enjoyed chocolate while Meg blushed. Then, it was back to my mom's where I rested a minute, changed clothes, picked up my father and headed to his class reunion. While waiting for the reunion, I saw the Piston's win on the TV to the right and the Red Wings win two minutes later on the TV to the left. Pretty flippin cool. My evening was spent with the Laingsburg class of 1966. Man, they are a fun group!

Sunday, after church, I ran the Koman (which you can read about in a different post). Then, Yi, Joey and I made hamburgers at Joey's. Afterward, we met up with my sister, bro-in-law, niece, nephew, mom and step-dad at Sweet Sensation's for Max's birthday. See, Max, the dog, turned 1 that day so the family took him out for some ice cream. Sounds dumb but it was pretty cool. Another interesting weekend passes by...

Koman Race for the Cure 2007

Overall:420
Bib: 925
28:05: Final Time
Chiptime: 27:27

I started the race with J.T. thinking I could maybe keep up with him (what a joke). As soon as we crossed the start line, J.T. yelled "35!" and then he vanished into thin air. I knew what "35" meant, though. We crossed the start line when the clock was at 35 seconds. So, I knew whatever the clocks said on the course, I had to subtract 35 seconds from it. I hit my baby wall around 1/2 a mile. Not sure why I do this but my body acts like it is going to shut down about a 1/2 mile into any race or actually into any run of mine. I pretend like it isn't happening and push through it. It lasts about a minute and then, I'm usually a running machine.

The weather was beautiful...and hot...and windy. We ran behind the captial and at one point, we ran past the Michigan Historical Museum. I suddenly remembered being 12 or 13 and working a water station for the Run For Shelter race. It was an awesome memory and propelled me through another 1/4 mile.

We went up and down the streets behind the capital and at one point, the wind was so strong, I was running in place. But the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts was on my MP3 player and the lyrics really pushed me on.

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

No walky for me. The other thing that kept pushing me on was hearing Todd Thie's voice before I left, "You will break 28 minutes today. Push hard after that 2nd mile." Well, after that 2nd mile, I was dead tired. I would try to step it up a bit but quickly, I moved back to a slower pace. It was around this time I started thinking about the Breast Cancer survivors, the ones who have it now and the ones who didn't survive. I saw the sign "In memory of Barb Farmer" on the back of someone's shirt and it inspired me to keep going.

I rounded the 2nd to last curb. This was where the good-looking police officer was standing. I admit to going out of my way just to high five him but it really encouraged me to step it up again. So did all of the people cheering us on from the sidelines. I knew MY people were on the corner of Capital street, though. Soon enough, I saw them...but there was a surprise there, too.

Joey had made it from Riverview to cheer me on. I saw him and then saw Todd sitting on the ground. He was yelling at me hard while taking pictures. Joey was holding up 2 fingers signaling how many blocks I had. Apparently, J.T. was there, too but there was so much going on. I turned that last corner and I tried to light it up. Problem was that I was running up a steady, small slope. The finish line looked a hundred years away. I could hear Joey yelling at me and running with me on the sidewalk. J.T. was right there, too. I tried...I really tried to push it but I was out of steam. Just before crossing the finish line, I saw my step-mom yelling for me. I gave her a half hearted wave, all I could muster, and then I crossed the finish line. 28 minutes. But after subtracting the 35 seconds, my actual time was 27:27. My personal best and I blasted my goal by 30 seconds.

After the race, someone handed me some sort of orange drink. I took a huge swig and almost threw up. It had fake sugar in it which makes me just sick. I wandered over to a building, calmed myself down, thanked God for getting me through it, and then found my step-mom. It was an awesome race. As we walked around looking for Joey, Todd, J.T., and Yi, people handed me a flower and then someone else put a medal around my neck. It was an awesome feeling. The best feeling, though, was seeing the survivor's faces...smiling through streaming tears, happy to just be there. Way cool.

My house

Check out where I live. Wanna buy it?

My Lord, My God, My Jesus

I have been feeling quite Eeyorey the past few days. The weekend was awesome but the events at Virginia Tech along with my own personal battles have me gloomy. I went running last night to clear my head. I always run with music when running alone but I left the MP3 behind. I wanted to share my time with Jesus.

We ran the route I haven't run since last fall. It felt good to get moving again and pass my old checkpoints. I came to the parking lot of a church and remembered something with a smile. This was the spot God had whispered the word "RivRunners" in my ear. Fascinating. I ran down the side street, talking to the Lord, thanking Him for so much, praying for this and that, confessing some stuff, loving Him, asking for His will.

I ran under two huge pine trees. The branches formed a canopy over my head. It reminded me of being under a weeping willow. I felt sheltered, protected...and then I came out from under the branches. The perfectly blue sky seemed so vast...but I still felt protected. A thought came to me so suddenly, I almost broke down on the sidewalk in tears.

Jesus protects me. He saves me from so much. He gave me free will to choose Him and eventually, I did. But other people do not. They either outright reject Him or they make no decision at all, which is still a decision. Some people take that free will and kill other people, giving them no choice at all, either. But even if someone takes me out, too, I am still protected. They can murder me, destroying my physical body, but God has protected my soul. He's got my back. He may allow me to go through something devastating...so devasting I might shake a fist his way...but He's got me. Never will He foresake me.

I wonder why people put their trust in so many things. I wonder why I fall in that trap, too sometimes. But He pulls me to Him and I'm under His safety. What a wonderful place to be.

Just say no

I’m hurting. I can barely hide it. Vulnerability weighs me down. I keep catching myself staring into nothing, walking with my head down, forcing joy to the surface.

Hear my prayers. I know you do. I want to help but I can’t fall while trying to lift.

Drugs suck. They suck the life out of me and I don’t even take them. They steal from me, lie to me, put me in weird, uncomfortable places…and I’ve never seen them.

I’m not sure where to start and stop. Crying out for Your help and your help, too gives me comfort. I want to feel safe again. That’s what addicts do to you. They can make you feel like you’re the one taking the drugs. But I’m done with the abuse and the drama. At some point, you have to protect yourself…right? Or is that selfish of me? I can see the ones closest to me starting to step up to protect me because I’m not doing it myself. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of a battlefield with bullets zinging by my face but I keep moving toward the gun…and someone is there trying to catch the bullets before they hit me but some have hit me because I’m hurt. Superficial wounds that hurt a ton…like a bitty paper cut that stings worse than a gapping lesion.

The part that almost hurts worse is to see yourself through someone else’s eyes and the way they see you is a complete lie. I remember what my dad told me, “consider the source” but words still hurt. I never thought I was part of the problem. I only served when I thought God wanted me to. I still hold on to that. I won’t believe their lies about me. Isn’t that weird? When someone thinks something of you that isn’t true, you almost second guess yourself. You start to replay every occasion and event wondering if you were part of the problem. I was starting to feel the world against me when really it isn’t the world. I was feeling unloved, a loser. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m done second guessing my actions because then I would be second guessing God. Christ fills my cup, not lies of people who don’t get it.

But the part that does hurt more is listening to the tears, pleas, remorse, promises...and still having to say no. "I love you with all my heart but no. I will do so much for you but no. You are going someplace I'm not...I'll see you if and when you come back."

With all of that said, I still love my friend. I will always love my friend and pray.

Real Quick

I have to read a short story for open mic night at Riv tomorrow. I was going to take one from this blog. Any suggestions? It has to be short which makes me think none of my entries will work. Thanks!

Do you know what is one of the scariest moments in life?

When you flush the toilet and the water starts to come toward you...and you're at someone else's house.

Under Where?

This isn't for the faint of heart.

In trying to break myself of buying the "elite" items in life, I decided I didn't need to be buying Victoria Secret underwear anymore. I've always purchased the 5 for $25 but come on! That's a lot of flippin money for a pair of underwear.

My quest to find something I liked but was affordable led me to the outlet mall--Hanes. I thought i hit the jackpot with all of the sales and specials. My total for 5 pairs of underwear? $22.22. I thought it was a great sign until I realized I'd barely saved any money. The following weekend, I returned them.

My next stop was to Target. They had a sale on the Fruit of a Loom's: 6 pair for $4.99. Now we're talkin! I was so pleased with my find and couldn't wait to try them on. They seemed fine so I adopted them into the family. I knew I was in trouble when I was walking out to the car and already had a wedgie. Screwed! I had to wear them all day at work which was highly uncomfortable and now I'm stuck with a bunch of underwear I can't even wear!

This is so frustrating. I went to VS just to browse...I picked out the 5 pairs I would buy if I wasn't trusting God for something better and cheaper. Sadly, I put them down and walked out. I'll find that perfect pair of underwear...somewhere...

Updates

So, I'm out of the loop a bit. I still love this little blog but I'm limited to the net access. I am picking up a signal from my neighbors but not sure which ones. It is locked so I can't just hop on, though it would make my life so much easier...and I wouldn't be spending so much time at the Coffee Beanery buying the cheapest item I can find (wheat bagel with peanut butter). I've thought about going door to door asking my neighbors but that seems slightly hard up.

I hope Joey gets the internet at his house soon. Please, Joey?

What's new...what's new...

Please pray about my living situation. I want to find a new place to live closer to my work and closer to Lansing for a reasonable price. Right now, I'm spoiled. $400 a month plus the gas bill. Everywhere I've looked puts me at $800 not including gas, water, electric...but my "roommate" is looking to sell the condo so I would rather leave now, get in a 12 month lease which would put me at the end of May 2008 to move out...which leads to some other news...

I think Joey and I set a date! Crazy stuff, huh. Only took us since September. But that's how we roll sometimes. Well, how I roll. We are looking at May 25th, 2008. This was after we realized (thanks to Yi) that May 28th is a Wednesday. So please pray about that for us, too.

RivRunners has taken off! It's amazing what God has done with this group. I spend a lot of time on it but i just dig this ministry a ton. I've met so many more people and it is kind of cool to be the lead person on it...I mean, second in lead behind God. I never thought about being a go to person for a group but wow. The Holy Spirit has really encouraged me and helped me to step into this role. Thank you, Lord for thinking of ME to do this RivRunners thing. Of all people! Way cool....

Okay, before my ramblings put me to sleep...I'm out.

Testimony Tuesday

I started writing my faith story in 2005. It is written in parts and is pretty much a life story. You can view Part 1 here:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/in-beginning.html
Part 2:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/from-methodist-to-catholicism-to.html
Part 3:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/full-circle.html
Part 4:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/03/fresh-start_15.html
Part 5:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/04/my-early-20s.html
Finally...after all these years, I'm going to wrap up my faith story and yes, it is a little cheesy with an Avril song mixed in.

January 2003. My life was spiraling out of control. BT and I went to Cincy to celebrate our friend’s 30th birthday. We drove down there not speaking. We drove back not speaking. We hardly spoke at all because we were so angry with each other. What were we angry about? Can’t really tell you anymore. I know there wasn’t a lot of respect but huge amounts of expectation. We failed each other and let the other person know how they failed. I felt alone. I felt desperate. I wanted to be loved and to be in love again but it was so obvious BT and I couldn’t even get along. Our silences lasted weeks. Neither one of us could make a move. I was somehow convinced I was supposed to marry him. I had believed this for five years.

It was easy to escape from him. I lived in Novi, about 15-20 minutes away. I could also go to Lansing any time I wanted…and I wanted to escape. I wanted to get away from everything. I wanted more. I was searching.

The last week of January, a total "coincidence" occurred. I spoke to my mom to set up a hair appointment for the Saturday before the Super Bowl. My mom casually mentioned that one of her clients had just been in…and had asked about me. He was someone I had known but only casually. I took his phone number down. What if I called this guy? I mean, I knew him from high school. He was a freshman when I was a senior. He had the biggest crush on me but I just thought he was cute. I saw him several times over the years. My mom would save the Holt wrestling articles for me and he was in a lot of them. She and I went to his high school graduation open house. I remembered how his eyes lit up when he used to see me. He attended Alma college. I came down there to party during my senior year at CMU. I don’t know how or why but somehow I called this guy during a drunken moment. He came to the frat house and we danced and talked. Over the years, we had kept tabs on each other through my mom. I made the phone call.

We had a short but interesting talk. I was happy to hear he was an elementary art teacher. I was also happy to hear he didn’t have a girlfriend. I asked if he wanted to go to the Mega 80's concert that Friday. He said sure. I got off the phone and felt a little strange because…he mentioned Jesus. Ick. I think we talked about how he was…a Christian. Yuck. I remember telling my mom that we were going to go out on Friday but I finally knew why JAC didn’t have a girlfriend: he was a Jesus Freak. I also felt a little strange because I wasn't sure what my motives were. Meeting up with an old friend?

I don’t know what the heck I was doing. I was lost and searching for something. I wanted to feel good again, good about my life and self. I didn’t feel guilty about going out with him. We each brought a friend and had a blast dancing to 80s music. He was still so cute after all these years. He confessed his crush on me, finally and I laughed. I was definitely a girl who lived for the moment. When my sister and I dropped him off at home (his roommate had left earlier in the night), I asked him to go shopping with me and my nephew the next day. He said sure.

I had an awesome weekend. I felt new and alive. Somebody out there cared for me and showed it. Of course, this left me with a problem. How could I leave the guy I was convinced I was supposed to marry? Did I really want to leave him in the first place? How did I feel about JAC?

February 2003. I was on the brink of turning 27 and celebrating 5 years with BT. But now, I had surrounded myself by confusion…and the confusion was wonderful. I had reconnected with an old friend and there was something else this old friend was bringing me. It was more than just making me feel good about myself again, making me feel loved and wanted. Something bigger and better was taking place.

There was a song out at the time and it really summed up what I was going through.

“I’m standing on the bridge, I’m waiting in the dark, I thought that you’d be here by now. There’s nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground I’m listening but there’s no sound. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” For months, I had felt lost and miserable. My closest friends were quickly becoming the people I worked with. More and more I felt separated from the previous life. Desperate, isolated, unhappy…

“Its that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, won’t you take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who you are but I….I’m with you.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I didn’t have much faith to leap forward. I was unsure how I felt about BT. When I was around him, I felt lonely, bitter, unhappy. I was unsure how I felt about JAC. When I was around him my heart felt light, fluttery and I was happy, secure. JAC extended his hand and I wanted to take it. I wanted to go somewhere with him. I had a feeling it was the right choice but I couldn’t take that leap of faith…because I didn’t have any faith.

“I’m looking for a place, I’m searching for a face, is anybody here I know? Cuz nothing’s going right and everything’s a mess and no one likes to be alone. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” I had to make a decision. I needed more in life. I had been searching for something…something new and lasting. Was it JAC that was trying to find me? Was he going to take me home and finally complete the empty hole in my heart? I barely knew JAC but I took his hand thinking, “yes, this is it.”

“Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I’m just out of my mind…” It was crazy. I walked away from a 5 year relationship that really wasn’t going anywhere but down the shitter. JAC took my hand and led me. I was happy to take his hand and follow. What I soon discovered was that it wasn’t exactly JAC who was looking for me. It wasn’t exactly JAC who was bringing me “home.” It was someone I didn’t know at all but this someone had been trying to get my attention for years. This someone wanted me back. He wanted to fill my heart. JAC opened the doors and led me in.

JAC took me to his church and I allowed myself to go. I was broken, hungover, a mess. I’ve written about it before. I didn’t like his church. It was too new wavy for me. There wasn’t a choir where I could hear my mama singing. There was a band and they played (gasp) Christiany music. There wasn’t even a cross hanging anywhere. My thoughts flashed back to Mt. Hope church. These people were going to suck me in and wash my brain. My memories took me back to the Pentecostal church I had attended with Pat, the woman I used to work with. I thought for sure JAC’s church was going to be like that one. I sat there waiting for people to come flying out of their chairs, waving their arms delieriously, screaming out in tongues or running to the front for an alter call. None of that happened. In fact, the message talked about being in a rut. I could relate. I didn’t attend this church for a few weeks while things were getting sorted out in my life. The cold nights of February turned into warm, pleasant days of March. I started spending every moment of the weekends with JAC. I gave his church another chance.

I was sold. Or…I was bought. Christ was the one searching for me. He wanted me and I found Him through the help of a contemporary church and an old friend. Yes, JAC took my hand and led me there but now…the song that was out at the time…the one that described my life perfectly…it took on a whole new meaning.

“It’s that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won’t You take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who You are but I…I’m with You…I’m with You...” I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew Christ was offering me something I had been looking for forever…His everlasting love and acceptance. It would still take me months to really get it…actually, I’ll try to get it for the rest of my life and that’s okay. I remember sitting at Riverview and actually understanding why Christ died on the cross. Can you believe that I never understood that? I had never been taught and it had never been explained. Riv spelled it out for me. “In the OT, people sacrificed lambs to God for the forgiveness of sin. When Christ was on the cross, he became that lamb. He felt every sin ever committed. He felt every sin you have committed and will ever commit. He endured such pain on the cross…for you…and all you have to do is accept that.” I remember almost falling to my knees when I realized how much Christ must love all of us…how much God loves all of us.

So that about wraps up my Jesus story. I mean, I could fill you in on the last four years since I became a Christian or you could just read about all of my struggles on this here blog. I still am always learning and somehow, I still have a child like faith. Christ saved me when I was so weak. And when I’m weak now, I think about that time when everything fell into place. When Christ gave me the best opportunities to get to know the real Him, not the one from the Catholic church that made me feel guilty. Not the one who looked like a pansy hanging out in a field of flowers. The real, powerful, almighty, loving Jesus Christ.

You are mistaken

The entry posted earlier this week was not made by a pastor. It was made by a teenage girl who was giving the scripture lesson to the congregation for Youth Sunday. The theme was about making mistakes. We all make mistakes...even God makes mistakes. I'm not trying to embarress this girl but I flew into "uh-oh" mode. She was a product of her lesson. She made a mistake.

I guess my issue was that her Youth teachers had listened to the sermon several times before she went in front of the church to give it. And no one clarified afterward. And where did she get such an idea that our perfect Lord makes mistakes? She didn't just say it once. She said it several times over an hour.

As I listened to the CD of this sermon in my car, I dialed my phone with the other hand.

"Uh...Chuck? Just wanted to be positive about something before I move forward. God doesn't make mistakes, right?"

"Right on, sister."

I didn't even need the affirmation. I just needed to talk about it. And I did go to God first. I went right to His word to find out why He made the covenant with Noah. My Bible says that God didn't make the covenant because He was sorry so many people were killed by the flood.

Genesis 8:20 Then Noah built an altar to the LORD and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. 21 The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though [a] every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

God wasn't saying He had made a mistake and now needed to make good on it. He was impressed, pleased with Noah.

God is perfect. How can something perfect be flawed? His plan is perfect but He gives it to a bunch of imperfect human beings. It is our mistake, not His.

Just as a follow up, I did call the pastor of this church and we discussed "God's mistake." He had already planned on clearing this up at the weekend service. Just so we are all on the same page as Christians here....

Thoughts anyone?

“I believe that God made a bad decision and a good decision at the same time; bad by killing people [in Noah’s flood] and good by fixing his mistake by giving us his son.”

How do you feel about this statement made during a local church service?

Jesus's Tomb

For two weeks now, I’ve been listening to two co-workers talk about the Jesus’ tomb thing. Now, it’s not that I’m offended or I think there is one bit of truth in this ridicules story, but the two of them talking about it every day for the past two weeks makes my blood boil. I want to go over and discuss the whole thing with them, but at lunch or another time, not during work hours. I hit my wall the other day. I walked over to them and said the following:

“I hate to be the biiiyatch, but you two have been talking about this for two weeks and it’s distracting. I would love to sit down with you and discuss it at lunch, but not during work hours. What you are talking about is my salvation and I take it seriously.”

I don’t think my message was received well. I totally acted in my flesh.

Sonny and I happened to be e-mailing each other back and forth so I shot him this message:

"I just told a couple people next to me to shut it regarding the “Tomb of Jesus.” They’ve been talking about it for two weeks straight and I finally hit the wall. Probably not a good way to share the gospel but I just couldn’t take another day of listening to them talk about my salvation so brazenly. I totally acted in the flesh. I’m so….fleshy. To me…and I’m saying this for me, now…not you or any other Christian, but my belief in Christianity is faith that Jesus did rise again. If people are trying to discredit that, than they are discrediting my salvation. My belief is in the fact that Jesus was crucified, took on the world’s sins, died and rose again…giving us all new life in him. The rising part is key…for me. The newer Christian might be wounded by all of this. The grade-school Christian (me) is okay with hearing it but my blood pressure goes through the roof. It is just SO absurd that they found this tomb and come to the conclusion it is a certain person in history."


His response was so awesome that I just had to share it (with his permission, of course):

This whole tomb of Jesus thing is a load of crap on two parts.

1. It’s not a new discovery-its been shot down before. This tomb was discovered in 1980. Someone is peddling a book and movie so they want to sensationalize some non-existent link (Da-Vinci Code anyone ?)
2. Being a Christ follower is based on Faith-not tangible evidence for or against.

I understand where you are coming from. I get seriously irritated with armchair archaeologists who base their “belief of the week” on pop-media. Its like they can’t see what’s going on...“Big Film Director” discovers Jesus tomb…oh and he just happened to have made a movie about it and is working with two guys who wrote a book called "Real Archaeology," but this obviously has nothing to do with movie directors and book writers.

People die, only Jesus rose again. I know it because it’s the only time it’s happened and the world was changed from that point on. Only truth can change the world that way.

So, if you know me well, then you know that I wanted to recreate this dance with Joey. Someone beat us to it! We'll have to start practicing JC. I can just see Mike Lilly and Bobby getting into it, too.

The longer a couple cohabits before marriage, the greater the amount of negative stresses on them. If cohabiters, by nature, already have less commitment to marriage than those who choose to marry without cohabiting, the presence of these stressors might be just enough reason for them to end the relationship.

http://mcelroycounseling.com/notes/?p=513

It's kind of weird how all of my pre-christian friends just assume Joey and I are living together or will be now that he has purchased a home. Not so, my friends, and it isn't because of a study done on the subject. It's because of God.