Since I have become the mother of one...and then two...I haven't had time, it seems, to write anymore. And actually, I haven't had time to think anymore. At least, deep think. My thoughts are all over the place from "what are we going to eat for dinner" to "who's poopy now?" And when I have one of those deep thoughts, someone cries out "momma!" and the thought is gone. But today is different. Today, I've been deep thinking about some heart issues and prayed both kids would nap simultaneously so I could get those thoughts down. Here I am.
My deep thoughts do happen but they happen in the shower, in the car, on a run, doing the dishes or, like today, while poop scooping the yard. Today, I thought about a couple of things.
First, I thought about depression. I wonder, how much of our depression is self-inflicted. Not all of it. I know this from first hand experience. After I had Ellison, things were great...for a few weeks. Then, these uncontrollable feelings...waves of heavy, heaviness, washed over me. At first, I brushed them aside as I got to know my baby and learned how to care for two. But it got to be too much one day and I couldn't get out of bed. It was TOO beautiful outside. I loved my kids TOO much. I felt TOO out of control. I couldn't even really cry...and then I couldn't even really stop. It was insane. I felt insane. My doctor/friend came to my side and listened. I remember her saying "depression doesn't care who you are or what you think about it." I considered medication to stop feeling the way I was feeling and though I don't fault others for taking meds, I chose not to. I wanted to give myself a little time to see if the feelings would pass. If after a week I still felt heavy under the depression, I would take the meds. But every day, my husband, kids and I got out of the house. We went to the zoo, to the museum, the community pool, on a walk, to the mall, to get ice cream, to a park. Every day, we did something to get me out of the house and enjoy the life I had. Once I got used to having two kids and once the hormones died down a bit, I was just fine (aside from having the occasional, momentary meltdown).
Back to the other part of depression...the depression we are responsible for...the self-inflicted. At times, I am really, really over the top happy. Nothing could bring me down. And then, something does and I crash. BAM. I'm now at the bottom of the heap looking up. But what brought me down in the first place? It was probably a reliance on someone else for my happiness. Think about it. If someone else could make me the happiest person on earth and then turn around in a matter of minutes and crush my soul, whose fault is it? My own. Everyone will let us down eventually because they are sinners....just like you...just like me. If you stick around me long enough, I will break your heart. Intentionally? Maybe, maybe not. But even though my goal is to become more and more Christ like, I'm still a silly, little human being with a whole bunch of hang-ups and imperfection. This is why we put our hope and hang our joy on Jesus. This is why we focus on the cross and what He did for us so that we could have a relationship with God. When we live THAT way, people cannot steal our joy so easily. We also see others for the fallible people they really are and how fallible we are ourselves. There is more forgiveness when we remember that we are all sinners. There is more room for mistakes, too and forgiveness after someone hurts us.
My other thought went along with this first thought. I was holding Ellison as she drifted off to sleep just a few moments ago and thought I heard Xavier waking up. I quickly prayed that he wasn't waking up because if he did, I knew he would come into Ellison's room crying and carrying on until he had all of my attention. It doesn't matter to him that I have to get her down for a nap, too. It doesn't matter to him how tired Ellison is. Actually, none of Ellison's needs matter to Xavier because he is two and a half. All he can see is himself. Forget the sun. The world truly does revolve around him. And Xavier will continue to be like this unless we teach him otherwise. It will be a process over time but he will learn empathy. How many of us don't ever learn that? How many of us truly still act as if our needs and wants are first and foremost? How often do I act like a two-year-old but can disguise it as an adult-type tantrum?
Joey and I have been married four years and we are still learning to get along. It is a process. We grew up differently and I was on my own way before Joey ever was. I also lived for myself for a lot longer than Joey did. Marriage and being in this relationship is harder for me in a lot of ways. My tendency is to run. When things get tough, I want to run. Thankfully, I only run to our bedroom or the bathroom or the basement. I don't go far but I still go...and I come back. Joey and I are changing but we still struggle with trying to change each other. Please know that whenever you start a sentence with "why can't you just....!" you are unfairly trying to control the other person and change them into the perfection you know they should be (ha ha). Another good one is "if you would just....!" Oh yeah. That is going to solve a lot of problems (and create a lot more). If people would stop trying to change each other and instead, take a look at their own part in the problem, I do believe we would all get closer to true joy. An example of this goes back to my dear sweet son.
Xavier and I don't always get along. In fact, he will push me away, bite, kick, pinch and hit me. My tendency is to get super pissed and react. This morning, I asked God for change...but this time, I asked Him to change me, not Xavier. Instead of reacting, I rolled with it. I redirected. I explained. I taught. I tolerated a little more. I disciplined differently. There are no immediate results of MY change but I didn't do this in hopes of changing Xavier. I did this because my heart needed to. I heard someone say the other day regarding their Christian father, "if God is anything like my dad, I don't want anything to do with Him." That sank into my heart like a punch in the face. I am NOT the perfect parent that God is but I do want to reflect God back to my son and daughter. Maybe this will improve the relationship between Xavier and I and maybe it won't. The goal is to teach X about Christ's love and do so by living it out.
So, those were my deep thoughts today...while scooping poop. And I really think these thoughts were scooping the poop in my own life...the junk that needs to go away. I don't want to just read it, pray it, think it, though. I want the Holy Spirit to help me live the change...from the inside out.
