Mega 80s....11/11....Club 131....you know you want to....

Um, I have a problem. Walk the Line and Goblet of Fire both come out on 11/18. Crap.

Hitch

Bad idea: Watching The Shining before going to sleep.
Another bad idea: Watching The Birds before going to sleep.

I don't care for grotesqe scary movies but I'm a suspense junky. I saw Flightplan on Friday night and it was very Hitchcockian. The camera angles, buying into the characters, the Macguffin...I dig it. M. Night's movies carry these elements as well. I've read that he draws out every single scene on a storyboard before the movie is shot...just like Hitch used to do. M. Night also puts himself in the movie...just like Hitch used to do.

How lucky for me that TMC has been showing Hitchcock films this past week. Yesterday, I watched North By Northwest (my favorite), Rear Window (a close second) and The Birds. They are a little groovy and the special effects...well, I still think they rock. Alfred was on the cutting edge of special effects in his day.

Oh! When I was watching Flightplan I noticed right away Jodi Foster's character was in Germany! I heard that familiar voice come over the intercom of the train station and then I saw a sign that looked like Aaljfowehihplatz. Oh...Germany....how you keep popping up in my life.

The Others

After the past couple of days, I can breathe a little easier. Candy Land definitely picked up my spirits but work is only becoming more difficult. Me needing to right my wrongs is also causing me slight depression. I'm not sure I can make it through VAL for another long, sad winter. If only...

Wednesday, after PDL (Purpose Driven Lunch), I was walking up the stairs to where I sit. I suddenly stopped and let the sun warm my face. I took some deep breaths in and out. I felt a little bit of peace and calming. I could feel God telling me it would be okay. I smiled back at Him. My drive home was not one of tears for the first time in several nights. I drove with that same smile. I went through some boxes of stuff to clean house and throw out some old memories...ones I needed to. I watched I Love the 80s and man, that show really brings up my spirits. During a commercial, I flipped around and passed Joyce Meyer talking. Something made me stop and go back.

Joyce was talking about how we need to allow each other to be more human. She talked about how she and her husband disappoint each other and fail each other...but they forgive and move on. She said we have to give people more room to be people. Say you're sorry and move on. Then she asked, slyly, "how many of you are married to God? No one? Then roll with the punches." Good point. Expectations....setting self up to be let down. I've been guilty of that my whole life. What if I did really take people for who they are? I mean, most of the time I do but people will always surprise you, make bad choices, see their mistakes and ask for your forgiveness. I, in turn, will screw up, too (by looking at my last posts, I've been doing it a lot). God loves us and forgives us. Not only does He forgive but He forgets and moves it from east to west. But its easy for us to know that, right? So what is our deal? Oh....right....it is what OTHER people are going to think. That whole acceptance thing....

Joyce said you have to get to a point where you don't care as much what "the others" will think because "the others" will always find something to think about you. We need to lighten up and learn who we are in Christ. So, do I find myself trying to do a good deed to make up for a wrong I've done? Do I do something extra to prove I'm not as bad as everyone might think...or as I think I am? We have to do good deeds with the right motive: living for Christ. Don't ever do them so people will think better of you.

When we have a problem we take it to God. If we get an answer, we believe He has spoken to us. But then we run and ask four other people what they think. The problem with running to others is that they haven't been assigned to hear from God for you. If you believe He has sent you a message, believe it. Besides, we don't really want to know what the others will think because they might tell us something we don't want to hear. I personally feel we do need close friends to help us through the "its" of life. I don't confide in everyone and I'm choosy with who knows what. Sometimes you can't make it on your own...

If you keep apologizing for something you keep bringing up the problem. Apologize. Forgive. Move on.

Joyce also asked something I could really relate to: when someone is not pleased with me, does it affect my mood? Even if I have followed my heart on something, do not believe I did anything wrong....do I still get upset? Not everyone is going to understand your decisions but we need to be God pleasers, not people pleasers. We will always fail if we live our lives to make everyone like us and make everyone happy. God is so much more easier to please than the fickle people we all know (I'm one of them for sure).

I found myself taking notes. I needed to hear this stuff. I'm guilty of a lot but I don't want to live my life feeling guilty when He forgives me. I hope you can forgive me but if you can't, that is something I have to live with, something that you have to live with, too. I need to let people be more human and I need to understand the humaness in me. Still, it doesn't help when some of your errors cost the company 35,000 bones.

How far is heaven?

It's under way...

Boo Day is under way! everyone is changing into their costumes. Andy is an actual guy from Candyland (one of the game pieces). Jim, my supervisor, is dressed up as a Hershy's kiss. Our chocolate swamp has chocolate walls and little cat tails made of tootsie rolls. I'm pretty impressed with our creativity. The other side of the building put up random Halloween stuff but its really freaky. Craig took a picture of a skeleton sitting in a chair in front of the computer. Then, he made the picture into the wall paper for the computer next to him with the skeleton dude sitting there...so it looks like the skeleton dude is looking at himself...like a mirror. Sorry! I'm just so excited. I wish y'all could be here to check it out. Maybe next year...

Would it be wrong for a Christian girl to go to a Halloween party as a Night Ranger groupie?

Condi for President
After reading this article, I realized how diverse my friends are...and how insane...(just kidding, Matt).

This would be so fun...maybe you'll see me on MTV.

Boo Day 2005

I worked on this post for 20 minutes...and it didn't post. Ahhhh!!!! Anyhow, with everything else going on in my life, there is a glimmer of sunshine and sparkle. Tomorrow is Boo Day here at VAL. And Boo Day = Fun Day. It is over the top and super fab. My first year with the company, our team was too busy to decorate. I deeply regretted it. I vowed then to always participate in this hallowed time.

Here is a recap of Boo Days in my life:
2002
No area decorating.
Pumpkin: Oscar the Grouch. We won first place.

2003
Decorating: We had an 80s Prom theme with a murder mystery tie in. Each person on the team was a suspect and dressed the role (I was a nerd). We sent out clues to the other teams so they could try to guess who had killed Marlene. The clues were very creative and well written (that was a shot out to you, Matt!)
Pumpkin: Michigan State vs. Michigan pumpkins (remember trying to paint those, Sonny??). Then, a friend of mine spent all night painting the logos of each Big Ten team on miniature pumpkins. We set them up on one of those rugs that looks like a football field. We also had a CD of all the fight songs playing in the background. We didn't place but it was really cool.

2004
Decorating: Haunted Carnival. We had so much fun with this one. We hung up large trash bags for the big top. There were also games for the kids to play and cotton candy. We took second place but really, we were the real winners.
Pumpkin: The Apprentice. Andy carved the pumpkin to look like Donald Trump. We set it up in the conference room and gave the pumpkin a body and a suit. The "Money" song played in the background. We took first place.

2005
Decorating: Well....this year there was controversy. The idea for this year was conceived while working on the line in Toronto during project "Save." Everyone loved the idea and brainstormed big time. But then....then the memo came out from HR.

See, VAL got a new building and they don't want their new building trashed. HR decided they would pass out one box per team and you have to use the decorations in the box. This did not go over well and everyone's heart was broken. Except mine. I was fired up. I rallied the team and said I was going to HR. Coincidently, I had an HR meeting that Friday. I explained all of our valid points (we look forward to this every year, we have a fun idea, we are still in the crappy building). HR said they would discuss it with our division leader but IF they granted us permission, we would have to remove ourselves from the competition.

Division leader said yes. Everyone shouted with glee. They hoisted me up on their shoulders and shouted "Holly's our hero! Holly's our hero." Well...everyone was really happy. So, here we are, diligently working on the idea we fought for. Ready for the idea? It is....Candyland.

Each row is a different area of Candyland. My row is the Chocolate Swamp. This is all I can discuss right now because I'm needed at Snow Flake Lake. Yay! Boo Day!

Does anyone have a pair of 3-D glasses I can borrow to watch I Love the 80s?

Screwed Up

I stared at the screen, hoping the longer I stared and the more I concentrated, perhaps the reality would change. The sinking feeling in my stomach pulled my already unstable emotions down with it. Shit. I f-ed up. Really bad. I raced to QA repeating the words “no, no, no...” But when I got to QA and picked up the piece, I knew I had blown it big time. I had printed my 20 page coupon book without perforations. Normally, not a big deal but the client had insisted on the perfs. I wanted to throw up. This was a $35,000 error.

I had been so focused on the puppy food job and all its craziness that I forgot to perf this job. I had been so focused on getting my first 20 page book to print correctly that I forgot to perf this job. I had been so focused on my failing personal life that I forgot to perf this job.

I sat at my desk so disappointed in myself. Dana came over and tried to talk me out of losing it completely. “Holly, these are just coupons. There are more important things in your life.” More important things? I lost it…completely.

I work late. I drive home. I eat perogies for dinner because I’m too tired to make anything else. I go to my room. Maybe I work on the computer for awhile but mostly I get under the down comforter and turn on the TV. I read from 10-11 and then try to sleep. On the weekends, sometimes I hang out with friends, sometimes I hang out with family. I have Riverview…and of course, I have a relationship with Christ. But did God really intend for me to be alone like this? I've been alone for over a year...but now...I'm alone, alone.

I sobbed right at my desk. At the end of the day, there isn’t anyone to comfort or be comforted by. If I didn’t have my co-workers, I’d be screwed. What upsets me the most is that I had the best thing in the world going for me and I blew it. I blew it big time. I know I did. How could I take things for granted? How could I not see the truth? How could I not realize? And now its gone. But I thought I was doing the right thing.

This is the lowest I’ve felt in so long. Stupid Satan…I didn’t think he could really get the best of me but my feelings of hope are replaced with ones of despair. I’m so good at pretending things are okay. But the moment I knew I had screwed up that job, God allowed me to see how bad I had screwed up things in my life...one of the most important things. I almost heard Him say, “want to come back this way now?”

Ever felt like this? Like you’d blown the biggest opportunities of your life? That second chances are what you want but not what you deserve?

Random Quotes from This Weekend

Yi takes a drink of my father's Moosehead beer. Sour look appears on her face.
Yi: This...(points to can of Moosehead)...tastes like that (points to nearby Port-a-John).

__________________________________________________________

Man: Would you like a cereal bar?
Me: No. (Takes 10 steps and turns around.)
Me: Why are you giving out cereal bars? What's the catch?
Man: No catch.
Me: What's attached to the cereal bar (reach for business card).
Man: Info about Faith Church.
Me: Oh! You didn't say you were a Christian. Of course, I'll have one! (Yi walks over and gets one as well).
One hour later....
Dad: What do you want me to do with this cereal bar?
Me: Throw it out.

_________________________________________________________

Me: Steve, I don't like the red lights shining on the stage. I feel like we're in hell.
Steve: Well...we kinda are, aren't we?
Me: Ummmmm......you've got a point.....
__________________________________________________________

Yi: I like to take things one second at a time.
Me: Not one day at a time?
Yi: No....one day got to be too long.....

___________________________________________________________

Me: Why do I have to go through this? I don't understand...
Friend: (laughs and says the following like a famous quote) "Because God loves you sooo much....."
Me: God's love is going to kill me.
____________________________________________________________
Me: Is it a sin to fill out these game tickets?
Dad: Well, you're supposed to give 10% of your winnings to the church.
Me: Oh...is that how it works....

Birthday Calculator

Birthday Calculator
You entered: 2/22/1976
Your date of conception was on or about 1 June 1975.
You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 11.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2442830.5.
The golden number for 1976 is 1.
The epact number for 1976 is -1.
The year 1976 was a leap year.
As of 10/21/2005 5:18:55 PM CDT You are 29 years old.
You are 356 months old.
You are 1,547 weeks old.
You are 10,834 days old.
You are 260,033 hours old.
You are 15,601,998 minutes old.
You are 936,119,935 seconds old.
There are 124 days till your next birthdayon which your cake will have 30 candles.
Those 30 candles produce 30 BTUs,or 7,560 calories of heat (that's only 7.5600 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.43 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1976 there were approximately 3.1 million births in the US.
In 1976 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 2,152,662 marriages (10.1%) and 1,036,000 divorces (4.9%)
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
Your birthstone is Amethyst
Your birth tree is Pine Tree, the Particularity.
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waning gibbous.

You appear to be visiting from ENGLEWOOD, COLORADO.

Yo, Peeps, (speaking of which, I bought some Halloweeny peeps today but you're right, Dave. They look too darn happy to eat. I still managed to chew through 5). I now officially have text messaging soooo I guess you can text me. Phil from Verizon assures me I will use this feature but I have my doubts.

Koln

Check out this link. It is of the actual field at the University we spent time at during our stay in Koln. You can see the higher field and the trees along the slope which leads to the lower field. I tripped up the stairs on the far right when Pete and Joey threw the frisbee too far over my head. I also met Bjorn there. We played volleyball there (I watched, at least). I miss it...sometimes. I mean, was I ever really there? It seems like a dream. I wish I could have made a bigger impact. Then again, I answered God's call to go so maybe I did what he needed me to do. Perhaps I'll see it someday. I think I go through phases with that whole trip. "Oh, remember how wonderful this, this and this was?" "See that impact you made?" Then again..."Did I sleep too much? Take enough risks? Talk to enough people? Why was I so grumpy?" I should write about the time I spent there...I'm waiting to be inspired.

My pastor was quoted in the LSJ this weekend and I liked what he said (because it was so profound, of course):

"Both Silvey and Noel Heikkinen, one of the pastors at Riverview Church in Holt, recall the words of Paul in his first letter to the Thessalonians: "Pray without ceasing." Heikkinen, 33, meets regularly to pray with the other pastors at Riverview. He guides his four children in prayer. And he talks with God throughout each day, using plain conversational language.

"God is listening," he said. "It's not like when we say, 'Dear Jesus,' he automatically answers the phone and when we say, 'Amen,' he hangs up. It's a constant dialogue."

What are you really asking for? "Sometimes when you ask God for something, the answer is no," said Noel Heikkinen, one of the pastors at Riverview Church in Holt. "In consumer Americanism we want an instantaneous yes, and we want it now, and we want an explanation now. And it is entirely possible that we will live this entire life not knowing why God said no."

He tells people sometimes an unanswered prayer is just a part of the bigger picture. He asks people to imagine that God is weaving something on a loom. "The top is God's perspective, the bottom is ours. Everything we see is a mess. We stick our needle up to God and he takes those randomly stuck up needles and he is weaving them together in this incredible pattern."

I don't like it when God says no. Of course, when I rebel against his "no" I find myself in a world of hurt. I'm trying to turn that around. Selfishness sucks.

Me: (Approaching Jane Marie, our elderly receptionist, as she sits behind the front desk.)
JM: What are you doing?
Me: Hugging you.
JM: Why?
Me: Because I need to. (Lean down and hug her, she hugs me back. I start to walk away.)
JM: Wow.
Me: What?
JM: I didn't know it but I needed that.
Me: See. Win-win situation.
JM: Thank you.
Me: No, thank you.

I walked away thinking about our human need for touch. Sometimes, I'm really touchy feely and other times I'm somewhat distant. It also depends on the person in question. I wonder why that is. I also thought about God and how He can't really hug us...He must want to. He's our heavenly father. He gives us each other to take care it for Him until the day when He will hold us. He keeps track of our tears and holds us close, even when we don't feel it. So I guess my point is to try not to question a hug because maybe the person giving it just needed one...or maybe God thought you did, too.

At the car wash...

I finally...FINALLY had some time today to take the Ion in for a bath. I always take her to Century Car Wash on 5 mile and Levan. I trust them. Plus, I have free washes there. Anyhow, I was quite surprised and gleeful when I saw that they had turned the car wash into a haunted car wash. I perked right up. I dig stuff like this. I dig Halloween.

As I drove through, I was impressed with the staff's creativity. They turned out the overhead lights and put in some other spooky lighting. There were vampires, headless people, spiders, witches...the whole deal. Nothing really scary but definitely fun.

I admit I had a crush on him when I was four. I know some people I can submit for this.

Falling

In the early hours of this morning, I was dreaming away. Scratch that. I was nightmaring away. Here is what happened:

I'm on a plane coming back from some rotten vacation place. My traveling companions are Fawn (my step-sis) , Darrick (the guy I grew up with) and an unidentified dude with hair to his shoulders. I feel like his name was Matt. I was sitting with Matt while Darrick and Fawn were one row over and behind. Matt was playing games on his laptop but got up to go to the restroom. Before he came back, I got the feeling that something wasn't right with the plane. As he sat back down I said, "Hurry, buckle in. I need to hold on to you." I gripped his arm and closed my eyes. The plane went up, then down and started to roll over. Everyone was screaming but I held on to Matt's arm and shut my eyes tight...terrified. I was going to die and I knew it. The plane began to lose altitude and the voices around me began to sound far away. My stomach could feel the dissent and tears came out of my eyes. My last words were this: God, please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I was startled awake...by nothing. I had to will my eyes open and make myself know I was in my bed, not falling. I even wondered if we had crashed over land or the ocean. Finally, as my heart raced and I broke into a cold sweat, I realized I was safe. I looked at the clock. It was a minute before my alarm was to go off. I laid there and contemplated what all of it had meant. I do know I woke up before impact.

My guess? God wants to talk to me...in His office...with the door closed...but I have to come to Him and right now...I'm a little afraid to face Him.

Something You'll Grow Out Of

She climbed the steps of the bus feeling exhausted. Another hour and a half would bring peace and quiet but until then, she would have to deal with them. She scanned the seating options and sighed. Each boy had taken their own seat. Finally, she spotted a vacant spot and made her way down the aisle. Peace was going to be hers and she couldn't wait to finally rest...until a smile made her stop. Suddenly, she didn't want to sit alone.

She smiled back and he seemed to will her into the spot next to him.

"Taken?" she asked.
"No."
She felt the tension leave as she plopped down.
"How did you finish today?" she asked.
"Not too bad," he said.
"I caught a couple of your matches. You're getting better."
"Thanks."

It wasn't that she was full of herself but she could feel the nervousness in him. They kept smiling at each other. She thought to herself, "he's so damn cute."
"How old are you?" she asked.
"I'll be 16...in about a year."
"That's a nice way of saying you're 15."
"How old are you?"
"Ummm....I'll be 18 in a few weeks."
"Nice."
His smile warmed her. She felt relaxed and knew if she said, "hey, wanna make out," he would probably die.
"Are those....uhhhh....cowboy boots you're wearing?" she asked surprised.
"Yeah."
"Those are....uhhhh....nice."
"Thanks."
"I used to listen to country music a lot."
"I love country music!" he said.
"You'll grow out of it."
"I don't think I will."
"It's so lame. I was flipping through the stations the other day and there was some dumb song on about a guy who painted a green heart on a watertower." She felt so much older. So wise.
"That's my favorite song," he said.
"Oh. Sorry."
"No, that's okay...but maybe if I sing it to you, you'll like it."
She smiled. This boy was just...a boy. And she was an 18-year-old girl. He was cute and she appreciated the crush he had on her. Maybe if he had been older...but then again, maybe he would know better.
"Sing it," she said.
And he did...along with Joe Diffie, the rest of the Whiskey Barrel Saloon...and the girl who said he would grow out of it.

I've been meaning to write about my past weekend in Cleveland. Lots o' fun. Work has been hectic, though so I guess I'll share highlights only.

Drove there Friday with my aunt and uncle after one of my busiest days at work...ever. I felt bad because they had to wait for me for about an hour. It took me that long to stop shaking once we got on the road. A little wound up...yes. We arrived to my Aunt Ginny and Uncle Lynn's around 9pm. They greeted us with lots of food and hospitality. Oh, let me give you some background info: they are pretty well off. My uncle works for Parker Hannifin. He began working there shortly out of high school and is a VP of something. So..yeah. Nice house, nice cars, nice everything.

My aunt took me to one of the spare rooms downstairs where I would have my own bathroom and a queen size bed.

"Holly, I want to warn you...you're going to see some things in this room that you recognize," my aunt told me. I looked around the room not remembering anything...wait..."is that grandma's stuffed animal? Is that the wreath she hung on her door? Is that some of her furniture?" My aunt is the sweetest, nicest, most proper woman I know. "I just didn't want you to realize when you were already in bed," she explained. We moved over to the bed. "I have to explain something about the duvet cover," she started. "Was it grandma's?" I asked hesitantly. She laughed. "No, but this quilt underneath is." We laughed at ourselves for feeling a little creepy. Suddenly, the light in the far corner of the room turned on. We both stopped laughing and stared at each other. It was so eerie. We began to laugh like we would never stop.

My aunts, who are my dad's older sisters, and I stayed up until 1am talking. They are Christians and we tend to all drink from the same cup. Minor differences. I loved their outlook on things. Definitely received some wisdom.

I slept in Saturday morning but was happy to see breakfast already made when I arrived in the kitchen. We ate, talked, laughed and then my uncle asked if we wanted to see his new boat. Because the weather was cold, windy and rainy, we all bundled up and headed for Lake Erie. I knew as soon as we pulled in to the Yacht club, this was no average boat. Shnikies. This sucker was 50 feet long with two 660 horsepower engines. The cabin was amazing. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, leather seating, a shower, a kitchenette, wood flooring, TV in each bedroom, a washer and dryer...yes...that's right...a washer and dryer. Anyone want to go yachting with me next summer?

We watched Michigan lose on TV, ate soup and planned boating trips for next year. I just kept saying, "this is so fabulous." We returned back to the condo and made dinner. My cousin and his wife came over and we watched Ohio State get beat (was a wonderful weekend for Big 10 football). Went home with my cousin to check out their place. Also, got a second chance at their CDs.

Woke up early Sunday morning to get ready for the Cleveland Browns game. What can I say about the experience? Fabulous. Upon entrance, the stadium seemed normal, not unlike other football stadiums. But we had Club seats because of my uncle. We went to a special entrance where our tickets were scanned again and then rode an elevator up to the club. Yes. Club. Carpeted with some granite flooring, restrooms every few feet, a bar, buffets...wonderful. Our tickets were on the 50 yard line and though it was chilly, I was happy. Scott Soval sang the national anthem and then they did a weather forecast on the big screens showing Doppler. I felt so spoiled. At the end of the first quarter, my uncle called us and requested out presence in the Lowege: executive suite.

I was ecstatic. Take a look at the link for an idea of what the place looked like: fabulous. The room was stocked with food and beer. Leather chairs and several TV's were in the suite itself. Outside of the suite were two small rows of seats...but there were heating units keeping the place warm...and tvs so we could watch other games. I stuffed my face and grabbed a Heikkinen...wait...no...that's NOT what I grabbed but I actually revert to that spelling when discussing the drink. Easy mix up. At half time, they rolled around the desert cart. "Are you kidding me?" I kept saying. Carrot cakes, cheesecakes, chocolate cakes....and a big, fat caramel apple dipped in chocolate. It was all mine. My uncle told me to live it up. I told him to adopt me.

The Browns win and it was a super awesome game. I became the biggest Browns fan ever, worthy of the Dog Pound. I went back to the condo exhausted and with sensory overload. Dinner was fun that night because my Uncle Ed (the one who I came with) had his nephew come over. This is who I refer to as bachelor #1. My aunt is convinced we were meant for each other. Forget the fact that he lives in CLEVELAND and has a girlfriend. It was nice hanging out with all of them and falling asleep while they tried to teach me how to play Youker or Uker or whatever. It's boring. Give me Uno any day.

The next morning, my last morning, was nice. We discussed Christianity and the Bible. I got a little emotional when we left. I felt so lucky that my family tries to follow Christ. They don't see me as weird. I'm supported completely. I was also sad because I know as time goes on, this weekend will become a really important event in my life.

Me: Do you smell something burning?
Dana: Hopefully, it's the building.

I opened my e-mail this morning and found the following message:

Nov 18th (Walk the Line)
Save me a seat. I've got to shoot a man in Reno (just to watch him die).
~The Man In Plaid

Could it be from...Joaquin?

I might take the day off work for this one...

Me: Do you have a headache, too?
My supervisor: Every day.

Thanks, Dave. The rally was an awesome, Godly experience.

"Harbors keep ships safe but that's not what ships were made for."

Something Strange

Something strange just happened. I was approached by someone who wanted me to know they (I know I should use he/she but it's cumbersome and I'm lazy) had just been dumped by their significant other. This person was shaking with pain and wanted me to tell them everything would get better. I could so relate. Oh boy, could I relate. But there is a little caveat to this: my friend is an atheist. I stood there not really knowing what to say. I couldn't comfort them with Biblical quotes and assurance of God's love. To this person, there isn't any hope. How sad.

So, this person came to me and I will respond but I must do it differently. Perhaps it might open the door to something else but this is not my wish. I only pray I can help this person if he/she needs me. Damn, I'm glad I'm a Christian. Even when my life sucks, I at least have someone to cry out to, give me hope and believe in a promise that He'll never leave me.

Welcome, Olivia Adeline! You have such a beautiful name (I might borrow the middle one someday). Good luck trying to be a liberal or anything but a Purdue fan. Can't wait to have lunch with you. Cheeburger, Cheeburger?

Congrats, Matt!

Why do I like this song so much?

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
~Hebrews 4:13

Sooo...is this telling me I have to answer for my sins? Pack your bags and get right out....

The real trick of it is that now I am so accountable. Before I was a Christian, I didn't really know, didn't really understand. Now I know. I know when I'm sinning but sometimes I still have that "pre-Christian" attitude: no one knows but God...and He won't tell. Grrrr.... I swallowed the pill. This was my choice to follow. My eyes have been opened but I still want to look away or shut them tight at my own discretion.

I'm in a valley. My safe little Christian bubble is broken. I'm no longer a "new" or "baby" Christian. The honeymoon is over...I'm so glad. I think this is the time when I get to really learn and know Christ. Will I take Him with me through this struggle? Will I take His hand and walk where He leads...even if it hurts so bad He'll probably have to carry me for awhile? Will I choose the easier path or do what I THINK I know is right? Will I let Satan falsely ease my pain?

Obviously, there is a lot weighing on my mind. What I do know is the support God is sending me. I actually tried to leave at the beginning of Riv on Sunday thinking no one would even notice. Heh. Not so fast. Right before I snuck out the side door, someone was there. She stopped me from leaving for good. She turned my heart around about leaving the only church I've ever called home. What a coincidence :)

God is showing me so much. I think He is trying to show me how much of a home I do have at Riv. I can get lost there when I want...and sometimes I can't. It is painful for me to be there right now...I'm going to admit that but I'm feeling support to stay. People are willing to hold me through this to get me through "it". The message is clear: I won't let you do this on your own. What is the solution? Eh.....not so clear.