It started with waiting for Joey to finish coaching softball. Then, we went to Finley's for a Michigan Cherry Salad. I felt blah so I went back to my mom's to sleep.
Saturday, I lied to the RivRunners, causing them to run further than normal. Next, Jenny and I did a mad dash to the mall to buy Meg some embarrassing gifts. At Meg's bridal shower, we enjoyed chocolate while Meg blushed. Then, it was back to my mom's where I rested a minute, changed clothes, picked up my father and headed to his class reunion. While waiting for the reunion, I saw the Piston's win on the TV to the right and the Red Wings win two minutes later on the TV to the left. Pretty flippin cool. My evening was spent with the Laingsburg class of 1966. Man, they are a fun group!
Sunday, after church, I ran the Koman (which you can read about in a different post). Then, Yi, Joey and I made hamburgers at Joey's. Afterward, we met up with my sister, bro-in-law, niece, nephew, mom and step-dad at Sweet Sensation's for Max's birthday. See, Max, the dog, turned 1 that day so the family took him out for some ice cream. Sounds dumb but it was pretty cool. Another interesting weekend passes by...
Monday, April 30, 2007
Koman Race for the Cure 2007
Overall:420
Bib: 925
28:05: Final Time
Chiptime: 27:27
I started the race with J.T. thinking I could maybe keep up with him (what a joke). As soon as we crossed the start line, J.T. yelled "35!" and then he vanished into thin air. I knew what "35" meant, though. We crossed the start line when the clock was at 35 seconds. So, I knew whatever the clocks said on the course, I had to subtract 35 seconds from it. I hit my baby wall around 1/2 a mile. Not sure why I do this but my body acts like it is going to shut down about a 1/2 mile into any race or actually into any run of mine. I pretend like it isn't happening and push through it. It lasts about a minute and then, I'm usually a running machine.
The weather was beautiful...and hot...and windy. We ran behind the captial and at one point, we ran past the Michigan Historical Museum. I suddenly remembered being 12 or 13 and working a water station for the Run For Shelter race. It was an awesome memory and propelled me through another 1/4 mile.
We went up and down the streets behind the capital and at one point, the wind was so strong, I was running in place. But the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts was on my MP3 player and the lyrics really pushed me on.
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
No walky for me. The other thing that kept pushing me on was hearing Todd Thie's voice before I left, "You will break 28 minutes today. Push hard after that 2nd mile." Well, after that 2nd mile, I was dead tired. I would try to step it up a bit but quickly, I moved back to a slower pace. It was around this time I started thinking about the Breast Cancer survivors, the ones who have it now and the ones who didn't survive. I saw the sign "In memory of Barb Farmer" on the back of someone's shirt and it inspired me to keep going.
I rounded the 2nd to last curb. This was where the good-looking police officer was standing. I admit to going out of my way just to high five him but it really encouraged me to step it up again. So did all of the people cheering us on from the sidelines. I knew MY people were on the corner of Capital street, though. Soon enough, I saw them...but there was a surprise there, too.
Joey had made it from Riverview to cheer me on. I saw him and then saw Todd sitting on the ground. He was yelling at me hard while taking pictures. Joey was holding up 2 fingers signaling how many blocks I had. Apparently, J.T. was there, too but there was so much going on. I turned that last corner and I tried to light it up. Problem was that I was running up a steady, small slope. The finish line looked a hundred years away. I could hear Joey yelling at me and running with me on the sidewalk. J.T. was right there, too. I tried...I really tried to push it but I was out of steam. Just before crossing the finish line, I saw my step-mom yelling for me. I gave her a half hearted wave, all I could muster, and then I crossed the finish line. 28 minutes. But after subtracting the 35 seconds, my actual time was 27:27. My personal best and I blasted my goal by 30 seconds.
After the race, someone handed me some sort of orange drink. I took a huge swig and almost threw up. It had fake sugar in it which makes me just sick. I wandered over to a building, calmed myself down, thanked God for getting me through it, and then found my step-mom. It was an awesome race. As we walked around looking for Joey, Todd, J.T., and Yi, people handed me a flower and then someone else put a medal around my neck. It was an awesome feeling. The best feeling, though, was seeing the survivor's faces...smiling through streaming tears, happy to just be there. Way cool.
Bib: 925
28:05: Final Time
Chiptime: 27:27
I started the race with J.T. thinking I could maybe keep up with him (what a joke). As soon as we crossed the start line, J.T. yelled "35!" and then he vanished into thin air. I knew what "35" meant, though. We crossed the start line when the clock was at 35 seconds. So, I knew whatever the clocks said on the course, I had to subtract 35 seconds from it. I hit my baby wall around 1/2 a mile. Not sure why I do this but my body acts like it is going to shut down about a 1/2 mile into any race or actually into any run of mine. I pretend like it isn't happening and push through it. It lasts about a minute and then, I'm usually a running machine.
The weather was beautiful...and hot...and windy. We ran behind the captial and at one point, we ran past the Michigan Historical Museum. I suddenly remembered being 12 or 13 and working a water station for the Run For Shelter race. It was an awesome memory and propelled me through another 1/4 mile.
We went up and down the streets behind the capital and at one point, the wind was so strong, I was running in place. But the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts was on my MP3 player and the lyrics really pushed me on.
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
No walky for me. The other thing that kept pushing me on was hearing Todd Thie's voice before I left, "You will break 28 minutes today. Push hard after that 2nd mile." Well, after that 2nd mile, I was dead tired. I would try to step it up a bit but quickly, I moved back to a slower pace. It was around this time I started thinking about the Breast Cancer survivors, the ones who have it now and the ones who didn't survive. I saw the sign "In memory of Barb Farmer" on the back of someone's shirt and it inspired me to keep going.
I rounded the 2nd to last curb. This was where the good-looking police officer was standing. I admit to going out of my way just to high five him but it really encouraged me to step it up again. So did all of the people cheering us on from the sidelines. I knew MY people were on the corner of Capital street, though. Soon enough, I saw them...but there was a surprise there, too.
Joey had made it from Riverview to cheer me on. I saw him and then saw Todd sitting on the ground. He was yelling at me hard while taking pictures. Joey was holding up 2 fingers signaling how many blocks I had. Apparently, J.T. was there, too but there was so much going on. I turned that last corner and I tried to light it up. Problem was that I was running up a steady, small slope. The finish line looked a hundred years away. I could hear Joey yelling at me and running with me on the sidewalk. J.T. was right there, too. I tried...I really tried to push it but I was out of steam. Just before crossing the finish line, I saw my step-mom yelling for me. I gave her a half hearted wave, all I could muster, and then I crossed the finish line. 28 minutes. But after subtracting the 35 seconds, my actual time was 27:27. My personal best and I blasted my goal by 30 seconds.
After the race, someone handed me some sort of orange drink. I took a huge swig and almost threw up. It had fake sugar in it which makes me just sick. I wandered over to a building, calmed myself down, thanked God for getting me through it, and then found my step-mom. It was an awesome race. As we walked around looking for Joey, Todd, J.T., and Yi, people handed me a flower and then someone else put a medal around my neck. It was an awesome feeling. The best feeling, though, was seeing the survivor's faces...smiling through streaming tears, happy to just be there. Way cool.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
My Lord, My God, My Jesus
I have been feeling quite Eeyorey the past few days. The weekend was awesome but the events at Virginia Tech along with my own personal battles have me gloomy. I went running last night to clear my head. I always run with music when running alone but I left the MP3 behind. I wanted to share my time with Jesus.
We ran the route I haven't run since last fall. It felt good to get moving again and pass my old checkpoints. I came to the parking lot of a church and remembered something with a smile. This was the spot God had whispered the word "RivRunners" in my ear. Fascinating. I ran down the side street, talking to the Lord, thanking Him for so much, praying for this and that, confessing some stuff, loving Him, asking for His will.
I ran under two huge pine trees. The branches formed a canopy over my head. It reminded me of being under a weeping willow. I felt sheltered, protected...and then I came out from under the branches. The perfectly blue sky seemed so vast...but I still felt protected. A thought came to me so suddenly, I almost broke down on the sidewalk in tears.
Jesus protects me. He saves me from so much. He gave me free will to choose Him and eventually, I did. But other people do not. They either outright reject Him or they make no decision at all, which is still a decision. Some people take that free will and kill other people, giving them no choice at all, either. But even if someone takes me out, too, I am still protected. They can murder me, destroying my physical body, but God has protected my soul. He's got my back. He may allow me to go through something devastating...so devasting I might shake a fist his way...but He's got me. Never will He foresake me.
I wonder why people put their trust in so many things. I wonder why I fall in that trap, too sometimes. But He pulls me to Him and I'm under His safety. What a wonderful place to be.
We ran the route I haven't run since last fall. It felt good to get moving again and pass my old checkpoints. I came to the parking lot of a church and remembered something with a smile. This was the spot God had whispered the word "RivRunners" in my ear. Fascinating. I ran down the side street, talking to the Lord, thanking Him for so much, praying for this and that, confessing some stuff, loving Him, asking for His will.
I ran under two huge pine trees. The branches formed a canopy over my head. It reminded me of being under a weeping willow. I felt sheltered, protected...and then I came out from under the branches. The perfectly blue sky seemed so vast...but I still felt protected. A thought came to me so suddenly, I almost broke down on the sidewalk in tears.
Jesus protects me. He saves me from so much. He gave me free will to choose Him and eventually, I did. But other people do not. They either outright reject Him or they make no decision at all, which is still a decision. Some people take that free will and kill other people, giving them no choice at all, either. But even if someone takes me out, too, I am still protected. They can murder me, destroying my physical body, but God has protected my soul. He's got my back. He may allow me to go through something devastating...so devasting I might shake a fist his way...but He's got me. Never will He foresake me.
I wonder why people put their trust in so many things. I wonder why I fall in that trap, too sometimes. But He pulls me to Him and I'm under His safety. What a wonderful place to be.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Just say no
I’m hurting. I can barely hide it. Vulnerability weighs me down. I keep catching myself staring into nothing, walking with my head down, forcing joy to the surface.
Hear my prayers. I know you do. I want to help but I can’t fall while trying to lift.
Drugs suck. They suck the life out of me and I don’t even take them. They steal from me, lie to me, put me in weird, uncomfortable places…and I’ve never seen them.
I’m not sure where to start and stop. Crying out for Your help and your help, too gives me comfort. I want to feel safe again. That’s what addicts do to you. They can make you feel like you’re the one taking the drugs. But I’m done with the abuse and the drama. At some point, you have to protect yourself…right? Or is that selfish of me? I can see the ones closest to me starting to step up to protect me because I’m not doing it myself. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of a battlefield with bullets zinging by my face but I keep moving toward the gun…and someone is there trying to catch the bullets before they hit me but some have hit me because I’m hurt. Superficial wounds that hurt a ton…like a bitty paper cut that stings worse than a gapping lesion.
The part that almost hurts worse is to see yourself through someone else’s eyes and the way they see you is a complete lie. I remember what my dad told me, “consider the source” but words still hurt. I never thought I was part of the problem. I only served when I thought God wanted me to. I still hold on to that. I won’t believe their lies about me. Isn’t that weird? When someone thinks something of you that isn’t true, you almost second guess yourself. You start to replay every occasion and event wondering if you were part of the problem. I was starting to feel the world against me when really it isn’t the world. I was feeling unloved, a loser. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m done second guessing my actions because then I would be second guessing God. Christ fills my cup, not lies of people who don’t get it.
But the part that does hurt more is listening to the tears, pleas, remorse, promises...and still having to say no. "I love you with all my heart but no. I will do so much for you but no. You are going someplace I'm not...I'll see you if and when you come back."
With all of that said, I still love my friend. I will always love my friend and pray.
Hear my prayers. I know you do. I want to help but I can’t fall while trying to lift.
Drugs suck. They suck the life out of me and I don’t even take them. They steal from me, lie to me, put me in weird, uncomfortable places…and I’ve never seen them.
I’m not sure where to start and stop. Crying out for Your help and your help, too gives me comfort. I want to feel safe again. That’s what addicts do to you. They can make you feel like you’re the one taking the drugs. But I’m done with the abuse and the drama. At some point, you have to protect yourself…right? Or is that selfish of me? I can see the ones closest to me starting to step up to protect me because I’m not doing it myself. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of a battlefield with bullets zinging by my face but I keep moving toward the gun…and someone is there trying to catch the bullets before they hit me but some have hit me because I’m hurt. Superficial wounds that hurt a ton…like a bitty paper cut that stings worse than a gapping lesion.
The part that almost hurts worse is to see yourself through someone else’s eyes and the way they see you is a complete lie. I remember what my dad told me, “consider the source” but words still hurt. I never thought I was part of the problem. I only served when I thought God wanted me to. I still hold on to that. I won’t believe their lies about me. Isn’t that weird? When someone thinks something of you that isn’t true, you almost second guess yourself. You start to replay every occasion and event wondering if you were part of the problem. I was starting to feel the world against me when really it isn’t the world. I was feeling unloved, a loser. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m done second guessing my actions because then I would be second guessing God. Christ fills my cup, not lies of people who don’t get it.
But the part that does hurt more is listening to the tears, pleas, remorse, promises...and still having to say no. "I love you with all my heart but no. I will do so much for you but no. You are going someplace I'm not...I'll see you if and when you come back."
With all of that said, I still love my friend. I will always love my friend and pray.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Real Quick
I have to read a short story for open mic night at Riv tomorrow. I was going to take one from this blog. Any suggestions? It has to be short which makes me think none of my entries will work. Thanks!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Under Where?
This isn't for the faint of heart.
In trying to break myself of buying the "elite" items in life, I decided I didn't need to be buying Victoria Secret underwear anymore. I've always purchased the 5 for $25 but come on! That's a lot of flippin money for a pair of underwear.
My quest to find something I liked but was affordable led me to the outlet mall--Hanes. I thought i hit the jackpot with all of the sales and specials. My total for 5 pairs of underwear? $22.22. I thought it was a great sign until I realized I'd barely saved any money. The following weekend, I returned them.
My next stop was to Target. They had a sale on the Fruit of a Loom's: 6 pair for $4.99. Now we're talkin! I was so pleased with my find and couldn't wait to try them on. They seemed fine so I adopted them into the family. I knew I was in trouble when I was walking out to the car and already had a wedgie. Screwed! I had to wear them all day at work which was highly uncomfortable and now I'm stuck with a bunch of underwear I can't even wear!
This is so frustrating. I went to VS just to browse...I picked out the 5 pairs I would buy if I wasn't trusting God for something better and cheaper. Sadly, I put them down and walked out. I'll find that perfect pair of underwear...somewhere...
In trying to break myself of buying the "elite" items in life, I decided I didn't need to be buying Victoria Secret underwear anymore. I've always purchased the 5 for $25 but come on! That's a lot of flippin money for a pair of underwear.
My quest to find something I liked but was affordable led me to the outlet mall--Hanes. I thought i hit the jackpot with all of the sales and specials. My total for 5 pairs of underwear? $22.22. I thought it was a great sign until I realized I'd barely saved any money. The following weekend, I returned them.
My next stop was to Target. They had a sale on the Fruit of a Loom's: 6 pair for $4.99. Now we're talkin! I was so pleased with my find and couldn't wait to try them on. They seemed fine so I adopted them into the family. I knew I was in trouble when I was walking out to the car and already had a wedgie. Screwed! I had to wear them all day at work which was highly uncomfortable and now I'm stuck with a bunch of underwear I can't even wear!
This is so frustrating. I went to VS just to browse...I picked out the 5 pairs I would buy if I wasn't trusting God for something better and cheaper. Sadly, I put them down and walked out. I'll find that perfect pair of underwear...somewhere...
Updates
So, I'm out of the loop a bit. I still love this little blog but I'm limited to the net access. I am picking up a signal from my neighbors but not sure which ones. It is locked so I can't just hop on, though it would make my life so much easier...and I wouldn't be spending so much time at the Coffee Beanery buying the cheapest item I can find (wheat bagel with peanut butter). I've thought about going door to door asking my neighbors but that seems slightly hard up.
I hope Joey gets the internet at his house soon. Please, Joey?
What's new...what's new...
Please pray about my living situation. I want to find a new place to live closer to my work and closer to Lansing for a reasonable price. Right now, I'm spoiled. $400 a month plus the gas bill. Everywhere I've looked puts me at $800 not including gas, water, electric...but my "roommate" is looking to sell the condo so I would rather leave now, get in a 12 month lease which would put me at the end of May 2008 to move out...which leads to some other news...
I think Joey and I set a date! Crazy stuff, huh. Only took us since September. But that's how we roll sometimes. Well, how I roll. We are looking at May 25th, 2008. This was after we realized (thanks to Yi) that May 28th is a Wednesday. So please pray about that for us, too.
RivRunners has taken off! It's amazing what God has done with this group. I spend a lot of time on it but i just dig this ministry a ton. I've met so many more people and it is kind of cool to be the lead person on it...I mean, second in lead behind God. I never thought about being a go to person for a group but wow. The Holy Spirit has really encouraged me and helped me to step into this role. Thank you, Lord for thinking of ME to do this RivRunners thing. Of all people! Way cool....
Okay, before my ramblings put me to sleep...I'm out.
I hope Joey gets the internet at his house soon. Please, Joey?
What's new...what's new...
Please pray about my living situation. I want to find a new place to live closer to my work and closer to Lansing for a reasonable price. Right now, I'm spoiled. $400 a month plus the gas bill. Everywhere I've looked puts me at $800 not including gas, water, electric...but my "roommate" is looking to sell the condo so I would rather leave now, get in a 12 month lease which would put me at the end of May 2008 to move out...which leads to some other news...
I think Joey and I set a date! Crazy stuff, huh. Only took us since September. But that's how we roll sometimes. Well, how I roll. We are looking at May 25th, 2008. This was after we realized (thanks to Yi) that May 28th is a Wednesday. So please pray about that for us, too.
RivRunners has taken off! It's amazing what God has done with this group. I spend a lot of time on it but i just dig this ministry a ton. I've met so many more people and it is kind of cool to be the lead person on it...I mean, second in lead behind God. I never thought about being a go to person for a group but wow. The Holy Spirit has really encouraged me and helped me to step into this role. Thank you, Lord for thinking of ME to do this RivRunners thing. Of all people! Way cool....
Okay, before my ramblings put me to sleep...I'm out.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Testimony Tuesday
I started writing my faith story in 2005. It is written in parts and is pretty much a life story. You can view Part 1 here:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/in-beginning.html
Part 2:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/from-methodist-to-catholicism-to.html
Part 3:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/full-circle.html
Part 4:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/03/fresh-start_15.html
Part 5:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/04/my-early-20s.html
Finally...after all these years, I'm going to wrap up my faith story and yes, it is a little cheesy with an Avril song mixed in.
January 2003. My life was spiraling out of control. BT and I went to Cincy to celebrate our friend’s 30th birthday. We drove down there not speaking. We drove back not speaking. We hardly spoke at all because we were so angry with each other. What were we angry about? Can’t really tell you anymore. I know there wasn’t a lot of respect but huge amounts of expectation. We failed each other and let the other person know how they failed. I felt alone. I felt desperate. I wanted to be loved and to be in love again but it was so obvious BT and I couldn’t even get along. Our silences lasted weeks. Neither one of us could make a move. I was somehow convinced I was supposed to marry him. I had believed this for five years.
It was easy to escape from him. I lived in Novi, about 15-20 minutes away. I could also go to Lansing any time I wanted…and I wanted to escape. I wanted to get away from everything. I wanted more. I was searching.
The last week of January, a total "coincidence" occurred. I spoke to my mom to set up a hair appointment for the Saturday before the Super Bowl. My mom casually mentioned that one of her clients had just been in…and had asked about me. He was someone I had known but only casually. I took his phone number down. What if I called this guy? I mean, I knew him from high school. He was a freshman when I was a senior. He had the biggest crush on me but I just thought he was cute. I saw him several times over the years. My mom would save the Holt wrestling articles for me and he was in a lot of them. She and I went to his high school graduation open house. I remembered how his eyes lit up when he used to see me. He attended Alma college. I came down there to party during my senior year at CMU. I don’t know how or why but somehow I called this guy during a drunken moment. He came to the frat house and we danced and talked. Over the years, we had kept tabs on each other through my mom. I made the phone call.
We had a short but interesting talk. I was happy to hear he was an elementary art teacher. I was also happy to hear he didn’t have a girlfriend. I asked if he wanted to go to the Mega 80's concert that Friday. He said sure. I got off the phone and felt a little strange because…he mentioned Jesus. Ick. I think we talked about how he was…a Christian. Yuck. I remember telling my mom that we were going to go out on Friday but I finally knew why JAC didn’t have a girlfriend: he was a Jesus Freak. I also felt a little strange because I wasn't sure what my motives were. Meeting up with an old friend?
I don’t know what the heck I was doing. I was lost and searching for something. I wanted to feel good again, good about my life and self. I didn’t feel guilty about going out with him. We each brought a friend and had a blast dancing to 80s music. He was still so cute after all these years. He confessed his crush on me, finally and I laughed. I was definitely a girl who lived for the moment. When my sister and I dropped him off at home (his roommate had left earlier in the night), I asked him to go shopping with me and my nephew the next day. He said sure.
I had an awesome weekend. I felt new and alive. Somebody out there cared for me and showed it. Of course, this left me with a problem. How could I leave the guy I was convinced I was supposed to marry? Did I really want to leave him in the first place? How did I feel about JAC?
February 2003. I was on the brink of turning 27 and celebrating 5 years with BT. But now, I had surrounded myself by confusion…and the confusion was wonderful. I had reconnected with an old friend and there was something else this old friend was bringing me. It was more than just making me feel good about myself again, making me feel loved and wanted. Something bigger and better was taking place.
There was a song out at the time and it really summed up what I was going through.
“I’m standing on the bridge, I’m waiting in the dark, I thought that you’d be here by now. There’s nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground I’m listening but there’s no sound. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” For months, I had felt lost and miserable. My closest friends were quickly becoming the people I worked with. More and more I felt separated from the previous life. Desperate, isolated, unhappy…
“Its that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, won’t you take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who you are but I….I’m with you.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I didn’t have much faith to leap forward. I was unsure how I felt about BT. When I was around him, I felt lonely, bitter, unhappy. I was unsure how I felt about JAC. When I was around him my heart felt light, fluttery and I was happy, secure. JAC extended his hand and I wanted to take it. I wanted to go somewhere with him. I had a feeling it was the right choice but I couldn’t take that leap of faith…because I didn’t have any faith.
“I’m looking for a place, I’m searching for a face, is anybody here I know? Cuz nothing’s going right and everything’s a mess and no one likes to be alone. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” I had to make a decision. I needed more in life. I had been searching for something…something new and lasting. Was it JAC that was trying to find me? Was he going to take me home and finally complete the empty hole in my heart? I barely knew JAC but I took his hand thinking, “yes, this is it.”
“Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I’m just out of my mind…” It was crazy. I walked away from a 5 year relationship that really wasn’t going anywhere but down the shitter. JAC took my hand and led me. I was happy to take his hand and follow. What I soon discovered was that it wasn’t exactly JAC who was looking for me. It wasn’t exactly JAC who was bringing me “home.” It was someone I didn’t know at all but this someone had been trying to get my attention for years. This someone wanted me back. He wanted to fill my heart. JAC opened the doors and led me in.
JAC took me to his church and I allowed myself to go. I was broken, hungover, a mess. I’ve written about it before. I didn’t like his church. It was too new wavy for me. There wasn’t a choir where I could hear my mama singing. There was a band and they played (gasp) Christiany music. There wasn’t even a cross hanging anywhere. My thoughts flashed back to Mt. Hope church. These people were going to suck me in and wash my brain. My memories took me back to the Pentecostal church I had attended with Pat, the woman I used to work with. I thought for sure JAC’s church was going to be like that one. I sat there waiting for people to come flying out of their chairs, waving their arms delieriously, screaming out in tongues or running to the front for an alter call. None of that happened. In fact, the message talked about being in a rut. I could relate. I didn’t attend this church for a few weeks while things were getting sorted out in my life. The cold nights of February turned into warm, pleasant days of March. I started spending every moment of the weekends with JAC. I gave his church another chance.
I was sold. Or…I was bought. Christ was the one searching for me. He wanted me and I found Him through the help of a contemporary church and an old friend. Yes, JAC took my hand and led me there but now…the song that was out at the time…the one that described my life perfectly…it took on a whole new meaning.
“It’s that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won’t You take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who You are but I…I’m with You…I’m with You...” I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew Christ was offering me something I had been looking for forever…His everlasting love and acceptance. It would still take me months to really get it…actually, I’ll try to get it for the rest of my life and that’s okay. I remember sitting at Riverview and actually understanding why Christ died on the cross. Can you believe that I never understood that? I had never been taught and it had never been explained. Riv spelled it out for me. “In the OT, people sacrificed lambs to God for the forgiveness of sin. When Christ was on the cross, he became that lamb. He felt every sin ever committed. He felt every sin you have committed and will ever commit. He endured such pain on the cross…for you…and all you have to do is accept that.” I remember almost falling to my knees when I realized how much Christ must love all of us…how much God loves all of us.
So that about wraps up my Jesus story. I mean, I could fill you in on the last four years since I became a Christian or you could just read about all of my struggles on this here blog. I still am always learning and somehow, I still have a child like faith. Christ saved me when I was so weak. And when I’m weak now, I think about that time when everything fell into place. When Christ gave me the best opportunities to get to know the real Him, not the one from the Catholic church that made me feel guilty. Not the one who looked like a pansy hanging out in a field of flowers. The real, powerful, almighty, loving Jesus Christ.
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/in-beginning.html
Part 2:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/from-methodist-to-catholicism-to.html
Part 3:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/full-circle.html
Part 4:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/03/fresh-start_15.html
Part 5:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/04/my-early-20s.html
Finally...after all these years, I'm going to wrap up my faith story and yes, it is a little cheesy with an Avril song mixed in.
January 2003. My life was spiraling out of control. BT and I went to Cincy to celebrate our friend’s 30th birthday. We drove down there not speaking. We drove back not speaking. We hardly spoke at all because we were so angry with each other. What were we angry about? Can’t really tell you anymore. I know there wasn’t a lot of respect but huge amounts of expectation. We failed each other and let the other person know how they failed. I felt alone. I felt desperate. I wanted to be loved and to be in love again but it was so obvious BT and I couldn’t even get along. Our silences lasted weeks. Neither one of us could make a move. I was somehow convinced I was supposed to marry him. I had believed this for five years.
It was easy to escape from him. I lived in Novi, about 15-20 minutes away. I could also go to Lansing any time I wanted…and I wanted to escape. I wanted to get away from everything. I wanted more. I was searching.
The last week of January, a total "coincidence" occurred. I spoke to my mom to set up a hair appointment for the Saturday before the Super Bowl. My mom casually mentioned that one of her clients had just been in…and had asked about me. He was someone I had known but only casually. I took his phone number down. What if I called this guy? I mean, I knew him from high school. He was a freshman when I was a senior. He had the biggest crush on me but I just thought he was cute. I saw him several times over the years. My mom would save the Holt wrestling articles for me and he was in a lot of them. She and I went to his high school graduation open house. I remembered how his eyes lit up when he used to see me. He attended Alma college. I came down there to party during my senior year at CMU. I don’t know how or why but somehow I called this guy during a drunken moment. He came to the frat house and we danced and talked. Over the years, we had kept tabs on each other through my mom. I made the phone call.
We had a short but interesting talk. I was happy to hear he was an elementary art teacher. I was also happy to hear he didn’t have a girlfriend. I asked if he wanted to go to the Mega 80's concert that Friday. He said sure. I got off the phone and felt a little strange because…he mentioned Jesus. Ick. I think we talked about how he was…a Christian. Yuck. I remember telling my mom that we were going to go out on Friday but I finally knew why JAC didn’t have a girlfriend: he was a Jesus Freak. I also felt a little strange because I wasn't sure what my motives were. Meeting up with an old friend?
I don’t know what the heck I was doing. I was lost and searching for something. I wanted to feel good again, good about my life and self. I didn’t feel guilty about going out with him. We each brought a friend and had a blast dancing to 80s music. He was still so cute after all these years. He confessed his crush on me, finally and I laughed. I was definitely a girl who lived for the moment. When my sister and I dropped him off at home (his roommate had left earlier in the night), I asked him to go shopping with me and my nephew the next day. He said sure.
I had an awesome weekend. I felt new and alive. Somebody out there cared for me and showed it. Of course, this left me with a problem. How could I leave the guy I was convinced I was supposed to marry? Did I really want to leave him in the first place? How did I feel about JAC?
February 2003. I was on the brink of turning 27 and celebrating 5 years with BT. But now, I had surrounded myself by confusion…and the confusion was wonderful. I had reconnected with an old friend and there was something else this old friend was bringing me. It was more than just making me feel good about myself again, making me feel loved and wanted. Something bigger and better was taking place.
There was a song out at the time and it really summed up what I was going through.
“I’m standing on the bridge, I’m waiting in the dark, I thought that you’d be here by now. There’s nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground I’m listening but there’s no sound. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” For months, I had felt lost and miserable. My closest friends were quickly becoming the people I worked with. More and more I felt separated from the previous life. Desperate, isolated, unhappy…
“Its that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, won’t you take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who you are but I….I’m with you.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I didn’t have much faith to leap forward. I was unsure how I felt about BT. When I was around him, I felt lonely, bitter, unhappy. I was unsure how I felt about JAC. When I was around him my heart felt light, fluttery and I was happy, secure. JAC extended his hand and I wanted to take it. I wanted to go somewhere with him. I had a feeling it was the right choice but I couldn’t take that leap of faith…because I didn’t have any faith.
“I’m looking for a place, I’m searching for a face, is anybody here I know? Cuz nothing’s going right and everything’s a mess and no one likes to be alone. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” I had to make a decision. I needed more in life. I had been searching for something…something new and lasting. Was it JAC that was trying to find me? Was he going to take me home and finally complete the empty hole in my heart? I barely knew JAC but I took his hand thinking, “yes, this is it.”
“Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I’m just out of my mind…” It was crazy. I walked away from a 5 year relationship that really wasn’t going anywhere but down the shitter. JAC took my hand and led me. I was happy to take his hand and follow. What I soon discovered was that it wasn’t exactly JAC who was looking for me. It wasn’t exactly JAC who was bringing me “home.” It was someone I didn’t know at all but this someone had been trying to get my attention for years. This someone wanted me back. He wanted to fill my heart. JAC opened the doors and led me in.
JAC took me to his church and I allowed myself to go. I was broken, hungover, a mess. I’ve written about it before. I didn’t like his church. It was too new wavy for me. There wasn’t a choir where I could hear my mama singing. There was a band and they played (gasp) Christiany music. There wasn’t even a cross hanging anywhere. My thoughts flashed back to Mt. Hope church. These people were going to suck me in and wash my brain. My memories took me back to the Pentecostal church I had attended with Pat, the woman I used to work with. I thought for sure JAC’s church was going to be like that one. I sat there waiting for people to come flying out of their chairs, waving their arms delieriously, screaming out in tongues or running to the front for an alter call. None of that happened. In fact, the message talked about being in a rut. I could relate. I didn’t attend this church for a few weeks while things were getting sorted out in my life. The cold nights of February turned into warm, pleasant days of March. I started spending every moment of the weekends with JAC. I gave his church another chance.
I was sold. Or…I was bought. Christ was the one searching for me. He wanted me and I found Him through the help of a contemporary church and an old friend. Yes, JAC took my hand and led me there but now…the song that was out at the time…the one that described my life perfectly…it took on a whole new meaning.
“It’s that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won’t You take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who You are but I…I’m with You…I’m with You...” I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew Christ was offering me something I had been looking for forever…His everlasting love and acceptance. It would still take me months to really get it…actually, I’ll try to get it for the rest of my life and that’s okay. I remember sitting at Riverview and actually understanding why Christ died on the cross. Can you believe that I never understood that? I had never been taught and it had never been explained. Riv spelled it out for me. “In the OT, people sacrificed lambs to God for the forgiveness of sin. When Christ was on the cross, he became that lamb. He felt every sin ever committed. He felt every sin you have committed and will ever commit. He endured such pain on the cross…for you…and all you have to do is accept that.” I remember almost falling to my knees when I realized how much Christ must love all of us…how much God loves all of us.
So that about wraps up my Jesus story. I mean, I could fill you in on the last four years since I became a Christian or you could just read about all of my struggles on this here blog. I still am always learning and somehow, I still have a child like faith. Christ saved me when I was so weak. And when I’m weak now, I think about that time when everything fell into place. When Christ gave me the best opportunities to get to know the real Him, not the one from the Catholic church that made me feel guilty. Not the one who looked like a pansy hanging out in a field of flowers. The real, powerful, almighty, loving Jesus Christ.
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