Go Green

Since the age of four, my father has been bringing me to the Michigan State home football games. I went through a stage where I hated it, feeling cold, bored and bratty about the whole thing. I looked forward to watching Zeike the wonder dog and eating caramel popcorn. When I was in 6th grade, I began to pay attention to the game, memorized the roster and stalked some of my favorite players. After high school, I still came to some of the games. In fact...and this is embarrassing...I cried my way into the stadium when I was a junior at CMU. I was late getting to the game...Nick Saban's first as the coach...and my dad had already gone in. I explained to the security guard that if he allowed me to go to my dad's seat, my dad would have a ticket I could show. When I was told no, I began to cry. Security became embarrassed and escorted me to my dad's section (117). When we got there, he told me just to go...no need to get the ticket. Good thing because I think my dad had sold it.

You can read another story about my exploits at MSU online. I was not portrayed correctly. The shoes weren't leather. They were from Payless. And I looked cute so...so what. Yet, this article is a reminder as to why I don't over tailgate (that and the whole "not giving God glory" thing).

A lot has changed over the years but you can usually find my father and step-mom in the same tailgating spot they've been in since the early 80s, under a tree, next to the Red Cedar, across from the stadium. The perfect spot to eat sandwiches, toss the ball around and watch the band go through.

Anyhow, here is a recap of the Michigan State vs. Michigan games I remember. I didn't write these (I did write the stuff in green).

Oct. 10, 1987 MSU 17, Michigan 11 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium (77,424) Michigan State ended 18 years of frustration with its first victory over Michigan at Spartan Stadium since 1969. The determined Spartans of coach George Perles were led by their All-America running back Lorenzo White, who rushed for 185 yards on 34 carries and scored both of State's touchdowns. The MSU defense shut down Michigan's running game and thwarted the Wolverines' passing attack by intercepting seven passes, three by defensive back John Miller. The Spartans continued their winning ways and went on to capture the conference championship. This was one of the games that allowed us to go to the Rose Bowl. I still have my ticket stub.

Oct. 13, 1990 MSU 28, Michigan 27 at Ann Arbor, Michigan Stadium (106,188) This was probably the most incredible game ever played in the long, colorful history of the Michigan-Michigan State series. The contest featured everything -- drama, excitement and controversy. Twice Michigan led, twice MSU led and four times the game was tied. After Highland Hickson's second touchdown gave the Spartans a 21-14 lead in the fourth quarter, the Wolverines' Desmond Howard struck like lightning and scored on an electrifying 95-yard kickoff return to tie things up. The Spartans came right back and Tico Duckett gave them a 28-21 lead with less than two minutes remaining. Michigan made one last charge and narrowed the margin to a point on a seven-yard touchdown pass from Elvis Grbac to Derrick Alexander with six seconds left in the game. The Wolverines elected to go for a two-point conversion and the win. Grbac threw to Howard in the end zone who was tripped and dropped the pass as he hit the ground. No pass interference was called and Michigan State had an upset victory over Michigan, which was ranked No. 1 heading into the game. I didn't attend this game but I remember talking to Eddie brown about it. He was the guy who "tripped" Desmond Howard. I congratulated him on the win and he smiled.

Oct. 9, 1999 MSU 34, Michigan 31 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium (76,895) On a sunny afternoon at East Lansing, Michigan State defeated Michigan in a wild duel between quarterbacks Bill Burke of State and Tom Brady of Michigan. The Spartans dominated the first three quarters, and held what appeared to be a commanding 27-10 lead. But the Wolverines rallied with three fourth quarter touchdowns to pull within three points with two minutes remaining. State then recovered an on-side kick and ran out the clock. On the day, Burke hit 21 of 30 passes for 400 yards and two touchdowns. Wide receiver Plaxico Burress had a field day for the Spartans, hauling in 10 of Burke's passes for 255 yards. Brady completed 31 of 40 passes for 285 yards, most of which came during Michigan's furious final period comeback attempt. I think I was at this game...but I actually don't remember.

2002 MSU 26, Michigan 24 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium. T.J. Duckett had a 230-yard day against No. 6 Michigan: The final 2 were all that mattered. Jeff Smoker, scrambling and off-balance, lobbed a 2-yard touchdown pass to Duckett on the last play of the game as Michigan State beat Michigan 26-24 on Saturday, likely ending the Wolverines chances of playing in the Rose Bowl for the national championship. Duckett, who ran for 211 yards and added 19 receiving yards, found an opening in a crowded end zone, just beyond a couple leaping Wolverines. And Smoker spotted him in the nick of time. "I was jumping up and down in the end zone, waving my arms," Duckett said. "It's a big win for our program." After the catch, Duckett was swarmed in the end zone by his celebrating teammates in front of a cheering student section. There was no extra point attempt, and officials did not immediately explain why. There were seven lead changes between the Spartans (5-2, 3-2 Big Ten) and Wolverines (6-2, 4-1) and neither team led by more than seven points. Michigan State, with one time out left, started the winning drive at Michigan's 43 with 2:09 left. On a fourth-and-16 from the 50, an incomplete pass turned into a first down for Michigan State when cornerback Jeremy LeSueur was called for a personal foul for making contact with receiver Charles Rogers' face mask. Later, Michigan was flagged for having too many players on the field, which gave the Spartans a second-and-4 at the 12. All of my friends drove in to town for this game. We watched it at the Spartan Sports Den. It was too much fun.

And yes. I remember the heartbreak of last year. This year...I won't be at the game but my pops and I are going out to tailgate and make sure we get down to the river in time for the bands...some things don't change and I like it that way.

Grandma

I had to write this about my grandmother. One year ago today, at approximately 10:30ish a.m., she slipped away from earth. I miss her terribly and sometimes I still get a little angry when I think of her dying. It was peaceful but she fought it. She wanted to live until she was 100 so she could get a letter from the president. Everything was going fine until her heart was broken. Don, her boyfriend, was suddenly and without any warning, transferred to another retirement facility. His family didn't tell him or my grandma. They just up and moved him while he was eating lunch. My grandma went to his room to get him for bingo and he was gone. She was shattered and her health quickly deteriorated. So, yeah, I get a little angry sometimes because I saw her lose the will to live.

She was so awesome. She really was. I miss her and wish I could post a picture of her but don't have the capability to from work. You can see previous photos, though:

Arlene
Arlene and her grand-daughter
Memorial

See you soon, sweet lady...

Seasons

Another season has started in my life. It feels cold, dark and rainy right now but I know if i can just get through the muck, I'll be standing in the sun. Focus, focus, focus...but I tend to get caught up in my emotions. Poor me (sob).

I thought about where I was a year ago and almost wish I was back there. One last weekend with my sweet grandmother. The feeling of utmost support and the closeness of family...where is it now? We've managed to hang on a little. I'm much closer to Michael than I ever was before, and perhaps Cory and I will be again, too.

With that, I think I'm taking a little hiatus from writing. I fear I'll spill too much of my guts and get a little too personal with "it" I'm going through. I don't mean to say it will be months...maybe just a week...maybe not even that. I just have a tendency to pour my heart into this thing but I don't even know my audience anymore. That feels dangerous to me.

Go State and keep singing to me, Jimmy.

Coming Clean

Okay, I admit it. I went shopping yesterday. I only had 6 days to go but I blew it. Does it count that Yi was with me? Probably not. I also blew the whole not going out to lunch more than once a week. Just proves that I can't live up to my own standards...and I probably wasn't supposed to. Kind of reminds me of the 10 commandments...kind of. But hey! I received huge discounts! I donated clothes to Goodwill and Younkers gave me an additional 20% off already marked down prices. These coupons were only good until Tuesday. There are no Younkers stores in the Detroit area so you see...I had no choice, really. Satan was probably calling my bluff. Will I ever have self restraint....?

First Day of Fall

Have you ever stood at a window, pressed your face really close to it and looked up during a rain storm? You see the rain almost envelping you but you can't quite touch it. It feels like you can but you can't.

I was running around, making dinner, doing some laundry, balancing my finances, getting ready for Must See TV...when I thought, "Wait a minute. It's the first day of fall and there is a severe thunderstorm outside."

I turned out all the lights and stood at my dining room window. The lightning was intense, sometimes flashing boldly across the sky or in little streaks behind the trees. I smiled as I thought about the power behind those bolts...God's power. I smiled even more when I thought that maybe he had sent this little storm...perhaps the last storm of the season...just to give us storm lovers something to savor. I smiled up at God, feeling him all around me. I had been feeling icky the past few days but finally, peace came to my emotions.

You are forgiven. You are not abandoned. I will not let you be alone. You are accepted. Stop gossiping.

I wonder how many times God has to say it before I get it. I want to get these lessons the first time he lays them down, not the 10th. I guess when I finally do get it, I will have what they call wisdom...or I'd be God. I sound like Eve so let's make it clear: I'll take wisdom.

I'm up....

Yeah, I'm up and guess where I'm sitting right now. Take a guess. Nope, not there. I'm actually at work. Yup. I have to do a press check to make sure the color and registration are good enough for the client. Am I up to this? Probably not. Am I qualified? Mostly not. The press dudes called me around 10:45. I watched the end of ER (disappointing) and then headed in. By the time I got here and was ready to go, the press wasn't moving at all. The sucker was plugged...or something like that. So, I explained to the dears why I was there, showing them some errors from the last print run. They made excuses, said the client was too picky, then I said I had to make a couple of phone calls (trying to sound really important) and now I'm hiding up here while they try to figure me out. I think the longer I stay here, the more serious they'll take me. I'm tired, though....

30mph

It was turning out to be a beautiful Tuesday evening as I drove down Meadowbrook road on my way to Bally’s. I eased my way onto the service drive, making sure I stayed under the 30 mph speed limit. I became slightly agitated as a car came speeding up behind me. Anger started to creep in when the dude flashed his brights at me. “Hey, wait a minute! The speed limit is 30 mph, buddy, and don’t you know there is usually a cop up here monitoring?” The car suddenly jerked to the left and began to pass me! But wait! This wasn’t a passing lane. He was passing me over a turn lane—completely illegal. I was fired up.

The green Honda sped along the service drive and I prayed for a cop to being sitting in the usual spot. Said dude approached the second speed limit sign and I saw his brake lights come on. Hmmmm…. I made a little self bet…this dude is also going to Bally’s. Sure enough, as I was pulling into the first parking lot entrance, he had gone down to the second entrance. We were now facing each other…in our cars. It was almost like a showdown. I pulled into the empty spot to the right while he pulled into the left. Again, I was fired up and something came over me as I got out of my car. I was going to confront him. I had no fear.

When I saw him, though, I stopped short. He was short. Really short. In fact, he looked a lot like my friend Russ. I was wearing my boots and was about 3 inches above him.

“Sir!” I yelled in his direction. He turned toward me, surprised. “Sir…was it really necessary to pass me in a 30 mph zone?”
“Sorry?” the guy said as if he didn’t understand.
“You passed me back there when the speed limit was 30 mph.”
“Ohhh…yeah…well, the limit is not 30 mph.”
“You’re kidding me, right? I’ve been taking that road twice a week for the past five years. You need to go back and have another look.”
“Is it 30mph? I didn’t know. I saw the second sign and slowed down but I thought you were going slow because the sun was in your eyes.”
I was having a difficult time understanding this man because of his thick Indian accent but also because he had a plastic mouth guard in his mouth.
“Sun in my eyes? No. But even so, you do realize it’s illegal to pass when there is a center turn lane. Someone could be in that turn lane and you would crash right into them. I mean, what were you in such a big hurry for? Do you have a favorite elliptical trainer or something? I mean, really, there’s no need to put your life in danger or get a ticket just to get to Bally’s faster.”
After my little lecture, the guy smiled and acknowledged that he usually doesn’t drive so carelessly. I turned to my car to get my gym back out. It wasn’t there. I had left it at home. D’oh.
“And now, after all of this, I left my gym bag at home…I can’t even work out!” I exclaimed. We both started laughing. Little dude went on his way and forgetful girl went home, laughing at herself for being so self-righteous.

Just as I was getting used to calling it Marshall Fields, they change the name to Macy's. Maybe I'll just go back to calling it Hudson's for fun.

I finally found the lyrics to that Kenny Chesney song.

Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin’ in the rain
Still can’t believe you’re gone.

Chorus

It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I been through
Just knowin’ no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder
Who you’d be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Somedays the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know
I’ll see you again some day
Someday, someday

The Samaritan Woman Returns

Okay. I admit it. I have acceptance issues. I want everyone to like me. I, in turn, want to like everyone back. So, what’s the problem? So, why don’t I? And why do I fall apart when the affirmation isn’t given or I’m rejected?

It’s my fault. I place expectations on people and they fail to live by them. How rude. I try to live by other people’s expectations and I fail them. How rude. This is my little story from this weekend of acceptance and why I constantly need it.

The words were quick and harsh. Cringing from their blow, I tried to dismiss my intentions. “Look, so and so, I wasn’t trying to say you don’t work hard and you couldn't possibly be so tired that you're going to go to bed at 7:30 p.m. on your 30th birthday (Yes I was). I just wanted to bring you a gift.” I was told (in an annoyed, mean voice) to just drop it off sometime. With that, I hung up. I had poured a week’s worth of work into this gift. I had stressed about it and spent too much of my free time trying to finish. Why had I done all this? To make so and so happy?

The pain of the rejection was fresh on my heart as I sat across from a friend--a friend on my spiritual 911 speed dial. I hadn’t even wanted to discuss my pain. I wanted to have a drink and to speak light heartedly about life, movies, books. It was a perfect, September evening with the full moon occasionally ducking under some clouds. As we sat under the partly cloudy sky, my friend looked at me curiously and I spilled my guts about the rejection I had just felt.

CL: I think you have acceptance issues. I read your blog. I know you do.
HB: Maybe…well…I know I do for sure with certain people. But I want to be liked by everyone.
CL: Everyone kind of does. No one likes rejection. Living your life by what others think of you, though…that’s no way to live.
HB: I know.
CL: You know the story of the Samaritan Woman?
I laughed and smacked my forward. Of course! Riv teaches on the Samaritan Woman all the darn time!
HB: Yes, the woman who went to the well in the middle of the day because she wanted to avoid people…because she was a hussy and everyone looked down on her. Jesus calls her out on her sins and tells her he can give her so much water she would never be thirsty again.
CL: What’s the water he wants to give her?
HB: Him.
CL: There is something in that exchange 99.9% of people miss. It is a small detail but John put it in the lesson for a reason. What does the woman do after she realizes who Jesus is?
HB: She runs to tell everyone else.
CL: Right…but that little detail, Holly...she leaves her bucket behind when she goes. Why did she do that? Why did John write that small detail?
I smiled as it all became so clear to me.
HB: She didn’t need it anymore. Jesus filled her up. He accepted her.

I sat there for a moment and thought all of this through. I had made the special gift for so and so because I wanted the acceptance, not exactly because I wanted to make them happy. This person is always a little mean to me because I care too much. I let it happen time and time again. No, this person had not rejected me as much as I was setting an expectation I wanted and thought I needed him to fulfill. How unfair. When I became a Christian, I felt Christ’s love for me. I saw life through a new hope. But I never fully replaced my longing for acceptance with something real. I was taking little sips of Christ’s water and doing it when I wanted. As I sat across from my friend, my eyes moved to my glass. It was empty but I was not. For one of the first real times, I felt quenched. I am stamped with Christ’s love and acceptance. I know my past is peppered with evil. I know I have the capability to be evil and set myself up for rejection. Can I be happy with a real relationship? The one I have with Christ?

HB: Wow. This Samaritan woman continues to amaze me. I wonder how many more lessons she has up her sleeve.
CL: Christ loved her and he loves you. Can you accept that?

What a simple, complex question. I stared up at the moon just in time to see the last of the clouds drift out of eyesight. The lucid sky beckoned me. Take a drink. Take all of it.

I am the Samaritan woman. I’m her over and over again because I keep expecting my relationships with people to fulfill me instead of letting Christ fulfill me. The Samaritan woman got it, though. She left her bucket behind. I find myself still holding my bucket out to others without realizing it is already overflowing.

Welcome to earth, Barend Mayer. You're in for a treat...

Helllllo, Joaquin.... I really want to thank Dave for the Dreamdate document he put together for me. I wish I could post it but no go. I did find out that Joaquin is a strict vegan. This will not work for me. He was also quoted as saying he had a catholic girlfriend once but broke up with her because she wouldn't show him some love. No, Joaquin, I don't think we're going to work out after all. It would have been great...eating flank steaks while sitting on our leather couch...oh well...

Original Photo of me moms.

Here is a copy of the work I did in Adobe Photoshop class today! See...I'm in my mom's picture....

Excellent guesses, everyone but…no dice.

Here we go.

Ready? I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed. Okay, I’ll admit it. I have a thing for Joaquin Phoenix.

There it is…out there. This “thing” started when I saw Signs for the third time. There was just something about the guy playing Merrill. Then, when I saw Ladder 49…oh boy…done deal. Now, I realize I don’t KNOW the real Joaquin and perhaps I only have a “thing” for certain characters he has played (I need to interject here and say I adored him in The Village even though I didn’t care for the movie much…don’t get me started on Gladiator (yuck)). So, I’m admitting this fascination because of the “coincidences” which have happened in the past couple of weeks.

I went to Toronto (really it was Mississauga) the week of August 22nd. The night before I left, I watched The Village. As I laid my sleepy head down to the pillow, I thought to myself, “wouldn’t it be super cool if Joaquin just happened to be at the same hotel I’m going to be staying in?” I laughed, half-asleep. How silly. I mean, what are the chances he would even be in the area. Fade to black.

I had to go back to Toronto (again, Mississauga) this past Monday and Tuesday. As my supervisor, co-worker and I sped down one of the most boring highways ever, Amy turned to me and said, “Did you know the Toronto International Film Festival is going on right now?” My heart almost bounced out of my body. “Are you playing with me, Amy? I mean…if that is true, there is a slim chance Joaquin is in town to promote Walk The Line!” We discussed this as we scanned boxes, trying to figure out how to get to downtown Toronto and bump into Mr. Phoenix. Alas, we finished up at 4:30 p.m., went back to the hotel, went out to dinner and then felt too tired to care. Before heading back to our rooms, I asked Amy for a favor.

“Will you go down to the hotel bar with me…just so I can check?” She agreed but of course, no Joaquin. Oh well. I wasn’t serious anyhow…heh.

We spent the morning with our vendor and finished really early. Jim, Amy and I joked that we should go down to the film festival to look for Joaquin, even though I couldn’t even confirm he was in town. We joked about this all the way home.

Wednesday night, I was flipping through stations when Joaquin’s face suddenly flashed on the screen. I had stumbled upon some cheesy game show where the contestant had to guess the names of people on the covers of magazines. Among Cokie Roberts, Arnold S., and whomever else….was a picture of Joaquin. Wow. What a “coincidence”. An hour later, a promo for “8mm” came on. Another shot of Joaquin jumped in front of my face. What is going on? Is Satan toying with me?

And now for the biggest kick in the guts (well, yesterday, anyhow): I went to CNN.com and clicked on the link about the new Johnny Cash movie. Now, I knew Joaquin was playing the role. No surprise there. The kicker….."Walk the Line," which premiered Tuesday at the Toronto International Film Festival…and there was Joaquin, all dressed up. I missed him by a few hours. HE WAS THERE! I just can’t believe it. I hope he didn’t wait long at the Novotel Hotel bar. Ugh! Amy feels bad we didn’t try to go downtown but what would I have said to him as I stood there in my Wrigley Field tee, grubby jeans, hair pulled back looking like a mess? “Hi….uh…hi….loved you in Spacecamp.”

So, yeah…there it is. I’m a huge fan of Joaquin and think I might see Walk The Line on opening day. It helps I’m a fan of Johnny Cash, too, but who am kidding? Sigh…all this proves is nothing except my little fantasy world is alive and strong. Doesn’t all of this mean anything? I know it means I’m changing my desktop wall paper from the picture of Riv at Easter to Joaquin on the red carpet in Toronto. Steve Sommerlot comes down, Joaquin Phoenix goes up. That’s just the way it works…

Happy Birthday to Mason's head varsity baseball coach (a close friend of mine).

Coming Out of the Closet

I think it's time to admit this: I have a super secret crush on someone. Do I dare say who? Ugh. I don't know. I risk the ridicule from my peers...but some may not be surprised by this person's identity. Some have already suspected...I just have to admit I have a small "thing" for someone I'll never meet...but I think I'm going to.

Ready?

I just chickened out. Can't do it. Not yet. Any guesses first?

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Adobe Photoshop

I'm taking an Adobe Photoshop class. I'm taking this class from my cousin...in his dining room...and I'm the only student. But I'm really excited because this gets me closer to my goal which is...I'm not telling. I take this class on Friday nights as I make my way from Livonia to Lansing. I just hop off the trail and spend an hour or two in Michigan Center. Last week, I learned more about the clone tool and a little about levels. Still, I had to put up with the jokes of how superior Macs are compared to my crappy Dell. Oh well. I love spending time with Mike. He makes me laugh. He showed me how to adjust levels and then had to get his son dinner. As he was whipping it up in the kitchen, he yelled to me, "Pretend I'm with another student." I look forward to our class tomorrow night...

Yesterday morning, I heard one of the saddest songs. It's by Kenny Chesney and it's called "What You'd Be Today." I immediately thought of Kim and then to all the young people who have left this earth too soon. I'm trying to find the lyrics to this song but so far, unsuccessful.

Second City

If anyone wants to go to the new Second City in Novi, they have a show called "In iPod We Trust." Sounds....dumb.

I wrote that?

I was reading through some other people's blogs and came across this comment:

I wonder why we are always second guessing ourselves. Being such fallible creatures, I think it is in our nature. Sometimes I tell myself no matter how hard I try, I will never be as good and Christ-like as I want. But I think we are so much better because we have a new image in Christ. Yesterday, I was acting like such a snob. I don't know what my deal was! A sales rep was calling and making a huge deal out of nothing. It suddenly occured to me that I needed to straighten up and act as if helping this man would be like helping Jesus. My attitude changed midstream and I quit thinking of him as being an annoyance.Question to consider (from Rick Warren): What common task could I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus?

Ummmm....I wrote that? Almost a year ago? When I read it, it didn't even sound like me...or did it. Where I'm at right now...it was almost like advice from an old friend or something. Weird.

Time to board this roller coaster and head on up to bed...

Spartan Saturday with Yi

Where o' where do I begin?

Oil change--10:30 a.m. at the Saturn Dealership in Grand Ledge. Why GL? Because when I call any other Saturn, they can't seem to fit me into their service schedule. But....when I call Luke at the GL Saturn, he says, "sure, Holly. We can get you in any time." So, I go there, see Luke walking toward me, smile at him, "Hi, Luke. I have an appointment." Luke writes my mileage down and then says, "Miss Beavers, let me look in our computer to see if you're due for any other service." Did you notice that? He knew my name before he really looked at any paperwork. Saturn has such a personalized touch. I sat in the warm, comfy lobby and talked about God with my sales rep. He shared some things I'll never forget. One of them was this: no matter how emotional, angry, lonely, upset or even happy and excited I feel, Jesus still died on the cross for me. When I feel like a total screw-up or a loser, He still died for me...for us." Car's done and flower is on the dash board. Off to get Yi.

There was a dead kitty in the road. It had a pink coller.

Yi and I went to my dad's for the football tickets. She got to meet all five of the cats. We hung out in the backyard for a few minutes and then began our walk to the tailgates...but not before a blueberry crepe! Oh, and an iced chai latte. I wish Ooh la la were next to my work or home because I would buy the iced chai latte every day. Yi and I resumed our walk and our talk of spiritual matters along with various stories from our past.

Got to my cousin's friend's tailgate. Cory was in great spirits. We had some beer and then hot dogs. I got to talk to Keen, who I used to know. He makes me laugh a lot. He recalled the first time we met. Hey, Kell. Remember? My first L-burg party. Keen also remembered the time he, Jimmy, and Cory came up to Central when I was a freshman. They pretty much kidnapped me and then we drove to Lansing in Jimmy's mom's convertible...with the top down...in March. Jimmy was there, too. He looked at me funny and said, "hey, remember your friend, Holly?" I looked at him funny. "Holly? I am Holly." "No, your friend, Holly." "I don't have a friend named Holly. You mean Kelly." Jimmy looked at me funny. "Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. Kelly. Anyhow, I saw her brother the other day. He's big." Sorry. Had to share that little story with you, Kell.

Yi and I made our way to the Red Cedar in time for the band to come through. Then, we sat in the grass, I finished my beer, we both ate Menthos. Entered the stadium...really cool with the new part. Our seats were in the shade and the pre-game show is better than ever. I can't even explain why. I've been going to these games since I was four and this was the first time I felt so revved up for a game. The band, the student section, the music, Sparty...just fabulous. Sat by Druman and Cindy. He offered us some peanuts. "HOT!" The first two quarters were exciting but by half time, we were looking at each other. Hmmm....do we try to make it to the first ever 6ish time at Riv? It was 5:00. I didn't think it was possible.

We started power walking and I made a phone call to my pops asking him to pick us up at the McDonald's. We had to wait a couple minutes but he got there. Dropped him off and were sent off with fresh baked brownies from my step-mom. We made it to Riv by 10 to 6. Whoa.

Now, I'm sitting in my mom's basement, listening to Dean complain about commercials. I'm so tired. Soooo tired. Did I spell that right? I. Don't. Know. Please forgive the other errors. I'm nervous now that Meg reads! Even more pressure because I have a minor in English. Not that you could tell....

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart. It’s holding me down today no matter how I try to lift it back up. I’m sad. However, I don’t think anyone would know if I didn’t tell them. I used to wear my heart out for everyone to read. Ha. Used to. What a joke. I still do. This is different, though. I know I need to be sad. I need to feel the pain I feel…but some of it I don’t.

There are two things going on simultaneously. The first is the worry I have for my dear friend. Yup. That’s right. I’m worried about this person. I love him to death but don’t get to speak to him much. I found out why last night when we finally spoke after months of silence on his end. This person had fallen back to his addictions. It’s crazy because I have not a clue what this person’s every day life must be like, fighting demons off constantly. During this two month silence, I never quit calling. I even started leaving messages for the baby. This person, although younger than me, has always sped ahead and lived life quickly. Sometimes, when I talk to him, I think I’m the one who is younger. I’m naivee. I’m sweet. I’m innocent. I don’t know about the “real world.” I don’t feel like this all the time. Only when I talk to this person. I even said, “look, I have no idea what it is like but I want to be available to you if you need me.” The response really widened my eyes, “no, Holly, its better to be alone or not speak to people when you’re going through it. People try to help and they just have no idea….” I laughed, “I have no idea. I can’t even pretend but I will listen to you.” I don’t judge him.

When we closed our conversation, I, once again, invited this person to church.
Me: I don’t mean to bug you about it but I just have to ask every now and then.
Friend: It doesn’t ever bug me. I want to go. I really do and I will.

Did you see what I did, though? I tried to use my church to help my friend when really, I could have explained God’s love for him no matter what. My immature thinking says, “get them to Riv and let the pastors, who are trained to handle this stuff, do their thing…sprinkle a little bit of Christian dust on them when they walk through the door.” I do this “passing off” stuff because I’m unequipped to really handle problems of my own and my friends. This is why I need to read and know the Bible. I always seem to have a heart-full of things to say when I’m reading the Bible. I even know what to say to other Christians who are down and out. But the pre-Christians…I don’t know what to do for them. It ticks me off because I’m losing that perspective. I was just there! I’ve got to finish my faith story. I quit when it started getting too hard to write but I need to go back there and really think about how I got here in the first place. How can I be a disciple if I can’t at least relate to the pre-Christians? I read a different friend’s blog the other day. I see amazing things happening in her life because someone wasn’t scared to say, “Do you have God in your life?” I’m so glad she was asked this question but I don’t have the courage to just ask someone. I have fear of rejection which is crazy because I know I’ve got the Holy Spirit! I know I’m saved from all the crap! I talk about faith but where is mine really? I hide behind my church. I hide behind all of my Christian ideals.

Another whiney post…but please. I don’t need anyone to fix this. I’m just revealing a struggle to you…and you…and you….whoa. Yeah. Do you feel like this sometimes?

I know I said something else was bothering me. So far I’ve covered my friend and the worry I have for them. I’ve covered the struggle I know I’m going through in really sharing my faith. Now, what about the sadness I need to feel? Back to being vague…

Being hit in the face with what you wanted is tough. You realize if you could have it any other way, you would change it…but you can’t just change your heart. I’m going through a reality check which is forcing me to wake the f up. I have to fight my manipulative heart and go on as I think God wants me to. The turmoil is making me sick and I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. My main problem is that the love which is in my head is not the love in my heart. As soon as I’m face to face with the love in my head, it quickly flies away. I’m fighting my imagination which is where I live most of the time. Not a healthy way to walk. Still, I know I have to lay these dreams to rest and stop certain friendships altogether. What a killer.

I reached out to my spiritual 911 on this…Dana. She said, “Holl, you’ll go through this pain because you know it will be worth it in the end. That’s what makes you who you are. You don’t like it but you’re listening to God. Something has been telling you that this part of your life is just not supposed to be. It hurts but you have hope.” God, thank you for getting her a job here and sitting her right next to me! Good call. Then, someone else reached out to me in the form of one of those slide showy, God things.

When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness. Faith doesn’t get you around trouble, it gets you through it.

I’m going through “it.” Some sort of growth spurt. Learning how to share my faith with my closest friends, learning not to have fear, learning how to feel my way through a broken relationship…one of the most difficult to leave.

Buffett At Wrigley (sob)

I missed one of the biggest events of my life this past weekend: Buffett at Wrigley Field. Oh, I wanted to go and probably would have paid an embarresing amount of money to go. So, why didn't I? Funny how your "phriend" updates you with every single piece of information about the concert but kinda sorta forgot to tell you when the tickets were actually going on sale. I missed it. At first, I was a little upset but I got over it. I've seen him 10 other times. Still, Buffett at Wrigley...dream come true.

My friend Andy, who lives in Wrigleyville, wrote this to me last Thursday: When I was walking to the train this morining, I saw all the tour busses for the shows this weekend.

They are all around the stadium setting up already, and have taken over all the little parking lots around. All the bars here have "welcome parrot-heads" signs in front. Should be a fun weekend even if I don't have tickets (yet).

Kell sent me a review from the shows. Of course, I must post:

Both concerts were great, the sound was much better than Citizen's Bank Park in Philadelphia. During Sunday's show JB was wearing a yellow NEW ORLEANS T-shirt. Monday he wore a yellow PASCAGOULA T-shirt and a Cubs jersey, #22, with his name on the back. He autographed it and said it would be on eBay with all proceeds from the auction going to hurricane relief. He also said after the Monday show he'd see what he could do to help out so I feel another benefit concert coming on.

At the end of Sunday's show he came back for the encore, then left the stage. Charleston got up on the stage, like he always does, then he ran across the stage, like he never does. I was wondering what was going on, and started wondering even more when the T-shirt guys came back out and started shooting T-shirts into the crowd. Then we saw what was going on. A spotlight came on in the right field bleachers and JB and Mac were sitting there with their guitars. They did City of New Orleans. He did it again at the end of Monday's show, but from the main stage instead of going back up to the bleachers. Then he closed the show with Glory Days. What a great weekend this was.

During Monday's show JB said they had been working on playing in Wrigley for
7 years. He also said he had so much fun he wanted to come back and do it again.

So, maybe Buffett will be back...and I will be there...God willing....

I was driving in this morning led by pink and black clouds with an occasional bolt of lightening (yes!). The song "Reunited" came on and instantly took me back to being a little kid. There are so many songs which remind me of being young but it seems like there are few from when my hard drive first started saving memories. A sample of songs:

• Woman by John Lennon
• Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places by Johnny Lee
• September by Earth, Wind & Fire
• Little Jeanne by Elton John
• She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer
• Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond

Yes, these were my favorite songs when I was 3-5 years old. They remind me of when the world was gigantic and I only felt safe when my parents were near.

I did it! I did it!

I figured out the links thing. I know. Not a big deal but snaps for myself...in my head...

If you don't see your link in the links but you would allow me to post your link, please let me know.

Hope you like your titles.... :oP

Random events from this Labor Day Weekend

So many random things happened this weekend, good and uncomfortable.

Friday was good. Partook in some Baja with Sonny but the winds blew my chips to the ground. The birds enjoyed them, though. Went to dinner at Bek and Ry’s. They grilled a fabulous salmon with soy and garlic. Mmmmm. I took a little nap while they were cooking. Ryan came up stairs to wake me.

“oh, look…there’s little miss Holly! I miss my Holls!” It was kind of funny and reminded me of how much I miss hanging out with them. We drove to Mike Babbie’s 30th party separately. I love the hook ups that come with knowing Mike. Free valet parking, free entry into the bar, free drinks… I was happy to see many faces I hadn’t seen in a year or so. Fun times.

Went to Dana’s housewarming on Saturday. This was after I cleaned my bathroom and picked up my room. Oh, and after I watched the State game from my bed (I soooo wanted to be there). Dana has a beautiful home and an awesome in ground pool. I left after an hour and drove over and up to Dewitt to visit the Mazurs (not before a Chai Tea stop in Okemos). I’m so sad to see them go. Little Ruth is getting big and cuter by the day. Kate….she just makes me laugh…and she gets me. She’s also part of my spiritual 911. No fear to say it like it is. Brent is such a solid person. The more I get to know him, the more...I know him. He, too, makes me laugh. Funny how he used to scare me :o) We talked for an hour and half. It was such a refreshing, spiritual discussion. I miss them!!!!

Sunday began in a nice way. I was really tired but could hear someone coming to my bedroom door occasionally. Finally, around 9:00 a.m., my mom opened the door.

“Good morning, babe!” she said with a big smile.
“Morning, mom,” I said groggy.
She made her way over to the side of my bed and leaned down to hug me. “I love you,” she said.
“I love you, too,” I said. She asked when I had church (times change so much I can’t even keep up) and then she left the room. I blinked a couple of times and then stared up at the pictures above me. They are the same pictures I grew up staring at when I would wake up: Jesus walking on water, Jesus talking to little kids, the nativity.

I went to church and for the first time in weeks, I wasn't pissed off at all. What was funny was that the pastor even asked us, “how many of you are ticked at me right now for teaching this stuff?” I wanted to laugh out loud because I was okay with all of it. Guilty of it…yes…but I had already known and started to change in this area…on my own…well, without Riverview bringing it up first.

I went to my mom’s new salon to check it out. She works at Klip & Kurl now. It’s between Miller and Jolly on Pennsylvania in case you were wondering. This is really the first time she’s left Long’s plaza in 26 years or so (she did temporarily leave for a year when I was in college).

Drove down to Michigan Center with my cousin Cory and his wife. We had a good time with the family and then later that night, I went to my dad’s. He and his best friend were trying to play the 20th Anniversary edition of Trivial Pursuit. That game is hard! Then, they cracked themselves up with this little funny:
Bill: (Pointing to TV) You know that hurricane guy on the Weather Channel?
Me: Yeah, Jim Cantore.
Bill: Chas, remember the Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom tv show?
Dad: Yeah
Bill: Remember the guy on there who would sit in the studio while the other guy...Jim...would be out in the wild kingdom getting chewed on by a lion?
Dad: Yeah! Yeah! The old guy would say, "As you can see, Jim has stumbled upon a lion cub..." then they would cut to a commercial while Jim got the crap beat out of him by the lion!
They went on for about 20 minutes, laughing hysterically at themselves.
Bill: It reminds me of this Jim guy on the weather channel. You've got the people looking all nice in the studio and they cut to this guy who's getting the crap beat out of him by a hurricane.

Monday, I cleaned out my car, visited Joey and animals, and then ate lasagna (excellent job, Dino). Fabulous weekend…

I'm one of THOSE aunts....

Me: So, Bradley, how are you liking 7th grade?
Funny looks from both Lyndsay and Bradley.
Lyndsay: He’s in 8th grade this year.
Me: So, Bradley, how did you like 7th grade?

Anonymous Woman in her 80s: I'm not prejudice or racist but....
Me (in my head): here it comes...
Woman:...when a group of "them" get together, there's going to be trouble.
Me: (deep breath) What you just said was extremely racist. When a group of trouble makers get together no matter the race, sex, age, etc. there is going to be trouble.

It was difficult to point this out to someone older than myself but I had to. I read once that Jesus loved humor but he never tolerated off-color jokes. I don't laugh at them and I don't tolerate comments like that. I think this shows my growth as a Christian.

I would like to post links to various blogs from my site. Please let me know if I can post yours. This does not go both ways, however. Let me know if you want to post mine, too. :o) I'm so conditional...

Why I love Pa

Last night, I watched some of the Little House on the Prairie marathon (TV Land temporarily changed their logo to TV Landon—how cute). I did like the program when I was growing up but when I started reading the books and realized how much the show deviated from the truth, it turned me off. Still, I was sucked into an episode I had never seen before but heard about: the school for the blind burned down.

First, let me clarify something. Mary Ingalls never got married and had a baby. She did go away to a school for the blind because yes, she was blind. After she graduated, she moved back home and lived with ma and pa until they died. Then, she lived with Carrie until Mary finally died. I digress. The Ingalls also never adopted a boy named Albert. All of this was done for ratings and storyline. And now…the episode….

Albert’s smoking a pipe in the basement of the school. Hattie comes down the stairs and startles Albert who hides the pipe in a box of kindling or something. What an idiot. Anyhow, the place catches on fire and everyone is evacuated except for Mary and Adam’s baby. Alice, a friend of the family, goes back to get the baby and I swear to you…this is one of the scariest, heartbreaking scenes I’ve ever viewed. Alice is overpowered by the flames…they were everywhere. She starts screaming. Hattie is with the blind adults and kids on the lawn. She tries to go back inside but the fire is too overwhelming. She races back to where the others are and then looks back to the house. Alice is at the upstairs window with the baby in her hands. She is panicking and knocking out the glass with her bare hands. She is literally panicking, suffering and I almost lost it. All of this is pretty intense for such a family show. I guess I don’t have to tell you Alice and the baby perished.

Mary flips out and goes into a severe depression. Alice’s husband, Jonathon (played by Merlin Olson) also goes off the deep end by severing his ties with God. Now…for the point of this whole blog. This scene really got to me.

Pa and Jonathon are sitting under a tree while Jonathon is cursing at God. This is from memory so it isn’t exact.

J: There is no God. If there was a God he could have performed a miracle to get them out of that fire, just like all those miracles he performed in the Bible.
Pa: Don’t say things like that. You know you believe.
J: Charles, he took your grand-baby and my wife! Aren’t you angry?
Pa: Yes, but it was an accident.
J: He could have stopped it (sob). He could have….why didn’t he, Charles? Why didn’t he save them?
Pa: I don’t know…(pause)…if I did, I’d be God.

I thought that was handled beautifully. I was expecting Pa to say, “I don’t know. I’m not God.” I get that a lot when I ask people why. This was the same basic thing…but different and it made an impression on me. I miss shows like Little House…

About that last post....maybe Chris is going after all. Love that guy...

How bad is it?

I just read this on CNN:

Officers told CNN they lacked manpower and steady communications to properly do their jobs -- and that they needed help to prevent the widespread looting and violence now prevalent in the city.
Police also told CNN that among the first items looted from stores in the area were guns -- and that officers followed behind with looting of their own, taking whatever ammunition was left to keep it off the streets.

A police officer working in downtown New Orleans said police were siphoning gas from abandoned vehicles in an effort to keep their squad cars running, CNN's Chris Lawrence reported.

The officer said police are "on their own" for food and water, scrounging up what they can from anybody who is generous enough to give them some -- and that they have no communication whatsoever. Police also told CNN they were removing ammunition from looted gunshops in an effort to get it off the streets.

Communication has been almost non-existent and officers have had to siphon gasoline out of abandoned vehicles, police officers said.

The ones who you call to keep you safe do not have the means to keep you safe. In fact, they are out there on their own, too. I thought of my best friend's husband. He is a police officer in Florida. I thought of him...what if he were in this situation?

The images, the stories, the victims and the heros...this is how bad it really is...what more can we do? Pray 24/7? Write a check? What?

Mail

We just had a quick meeting about Katrina. I work in the Direct Mail department. My supervisor wanted to share how this natural disaster would affect our business. “There are a list of zip codes,” he said, “that we cannot mail to right now because…well…there aren’t any houses there anymore.”

There aren’t any houses there anymore. Did you get that? Whole neighborhoods…whole zip codes…gone. September 3rd is my three year anniversary here. In the time I’ve been here, there hasn’t been this big of an impact on the mail. The hurricanes last year did affect us but not like this. There have been blizzards that slowed the mail but nothing to where we’ve had to warehouse mail in transit because there was no where for it to go. It feels spooky. Ghost towns. And the news just keeps getting worse.

“What about the mail that was already in the mainstream?” someone asked. “Are we doing anything about that?”

“If it’s in the mailstream, then it’s probably gone. If it was already delivered, then it is probably gone…floating in the water or too wet to redeem…and where would they redeem anyway?”

Some people started chuckling, imagining the coupons floating around with the rest of the debris. I don’t know what made me say it but before I could think it through, “It’s really not funny,” came from my mouth. Because it just isn’t. I know we find humor in lots of stuff we shouldn’t and maybe we aren’t necessarily laughing at the tragedy itself, we are trying to find a way to cope or something. No, I don’t see humor in this. Not the least bit.

My supervisor’s supervisor walked up at this point and made a few comments. He talked about this being an act of God. I know that is just what it’s called…something you have no control over…but I wish it wasn’t called an act of God. Still, Erik was somber when he spoke. He brought the seriousness back to our hearts. He made some other comments and then…the one which flooded my eyes with tears…

“the homes aren’t there to deliver to.”

I, Holly Beavers, solemnly swear before my loyal friends, family and ghost readers that I will not purchase an article of clothing for myself unless it is NEEDED for the next 30 days. I do not foresee me needing anything, however if some major catastrophe takes place, I may NEED to purchase some rags to clothe myself in. No, seriously now. I will also reduce the amount of times I eat out to ONE time during the work week for the next 30 days. I am putting this in writing and will report back if I default on this vow. Also, I am asking you to be my witness and hold me accountable to these statements.

PS: I will not complain about gas prices. If this is the worst thing that happens to me because of Katrina, I can live with it. However, I am always fearful that gas prices and the depletion of gasoline might prevent me from coming to Lansing…which would make me very sad.