The Peaceful Day Before

May 24—Saturday
I got up early and decided to finish the last DVD so it would be out of the way. While my aunt sat at one end of the table on her laptop, I sat next to her completing it. It was my last big worry. Now, a word about the DVDs. I keep mentioning them and it might be confusing so let me break it down. I made the following DVDs
**One for the Memorial which would be shown at the beginning of the wedding ceremony.
**One for our parents which was a gift to them from us and was shown at the rehearsal dinner.
** One for our friends/wedding party which was a gift to them from us and was shown at the rehearsal dinner.
**One of Joey and I growing up which was to be shown at the wedding reception, just before we danced. This was the one I put the most work into.

I finished the IMovie up but I needed to burn it to disk. Looking through my computer stuff, I realized I didn’t have the DVD burner. Grrrrrr. I must have left it at Joey’s which meant I had to go over there after RivRunners. Oh well. I knew he was golfing with Ben and Nick so I wasn’t going to run into him.

I left my mom’s house and headed to Riverview for RivRunners. It was 8:50ish. I remember thinking how blue the sky was and I was so smiley. The RivRunners gathered near our start line in the parking lot. I was laying on the pavement stretching and jumped up to walk toward Jamie Lenon. No sooner had I done that and a bird flew over and dropped some poo exactly where I had just been. We all laughed at my fortune. Hopefully, the rest of my day would be like this—bird poo free. Mike prayed and we ran. I ran with Tera, a new girl. She pushed me to run hard and I did a fairly good job of keeping up. Afterwards, Todd tried to get everyone to go out to breakfast but I needed to go to Joey’s. On my way there, I thought about what I needed to finish up before the wedding:
Eyebrows waxed
Gift for Joey
DVD!!!! I would have time later to burn it.

When I got to Joey’s, I couldn’t find the burner anywhere. I asked Junior and he didn’t seem to know. He called Joey and asked him. Joey said the burner was in his trunk. Crap. We arranged for me to pick it up later somehow. I decided to just take a shower there and then run some errands before my appointment with my mom at 11:00. While I was in the shower, I thought back to the rehearsal and how much I didn’t like the way the bridesmaids and groomsmen were standing. As you can tell, my mind was going 100 miles a minute. I got in the car and left.

For those of you who didn’t know this (the few readers who actually view this blog know it but I’m just going to explain anyhow), there was another Riv wedding that day at a golf course somewhere. Noel was to perform half the ceremony and Devon was in the wedding. A lot of our friends were attending that wedding, too (Jim Lenon was the bartender). As I neared Cedar Street heading east on Willoughby near Kroger (details, details), I decided to just call Devon. I prayed I would get Devon’s voicemail because I didn’t want to bother her with this trite request. But I didn’t. Thank you, Lord, I didn’t.

Justin (Devon’s husband) answered the phone. He explained Devon was just getting out of the shower but to hold on. I was in the left turn lane, blinker on, waiting for the light to turn green so I could head north on Cedar street.

“Holly,” Devon said, “how are you doing?”
“I’m fine but I just wanted to ask you a question.”
“Okay,” she said, “did someone call you this morning?”
My heart began to pound. Oh know. Something’s wrong. I could just sense it. I started making the turn onto Cedar.
“No…why?”
“Oh, Holly….I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this…”
So many things went through my head. I thought something had happened to Noel or Dan. Maybe the church burned down or they lost the music for my wedding. No, I was just at the church. It was fine. What then? What--
“Holly…Susan Haist passed away this morning.”

My wedding continued...REVISED!!!!

The Week Before
Work sucked. It was so stressful and busy. I cried a lot. I knew I wouldn’t make it all the way through Tuesday. I needed to be back in Lansing. So I took a half day on Tuesday, packed up the rest of my stuff from the apartment and headed home—my new home. I went to Joey’s and worked on the DVDs. Joey’s sister came over and we showed her the memorial DVD. I spent the night in the spare room (my new room!).

Wednesday, May 21 --REVISED
I can hardly believe I forgot to write this part of the story.

Tuesday night after Joey and I went shopping for our bridal party, we stopped by my mom’s to pick up some stuff.

“Did Chuck move Grandma’s trailer, yet?” I asked. I dreaded the answer. The update to my grandma falling ill in January was that she had to move to a home. We found a nice one for her on Keller Road in Holt but now we weren’t sure what to do about the trailer. I loved my grandma’s trailer. It was more of a modular home, pretty clean, sunshiny, happy and full of everything she loved. I took it for granted that she would always live there. It was painful to move her into a home when she wanted so desperately to be in her trailer. She decided that my uncle Chuck would buy the trailer and move it up to his hunting property in Mecosta. Chuck agreed but it had been months. Every week he would tell my mom, “we are moving the trailer this Tuesday.”

Since it was Tuesday, I had decided to ask my mom for an update on the trailer.

“No, he hasn’t moved it. Who knows if he really will.” I was satisfied with the response. So much was changing in my life and I longed for at least one thing to stay the same.

Wednesday I woke up, cleaned, unpacked and worked on the DVDs. I had a schedule I wanted to follow:
10:00 – pick up marriage license from Mason Courthouse
11:00 – go to Riverview to test the Memorial DVD and give them my wedding music
12:00 – appointment at my mom’s work (can’t remember what that was all about)

I couldn’t get something to work for me correctly and ended up spending more time at Joey’s then anticipated. Now, I was grumpy from lack of sleep, increase in stress and wanting to stick to my schedule. I was on my way to Mason and decided to take Eifert to Columbia. I spoke to my step-brother briefly and then my attitude started to change. I felt uplifted, hopeful, happy, excited. Things were going well…until I approached the trailer park my grandma had lived in. I suddenly felt a little sad and empty. I missed having her live there. And then….well….then my attention turned to the truck slowly pulling out in front of me and the semi truck behind it…hauling a trailer that looked just like my grandmother’s. No. flippin. way.

I caught the house number on the side of the trailer as I passed it, trying to maneuver around the truck. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to throw up. I called my mom.

“Mom….what is grandma’s address?”
“218 Maple Run.”
It was her trailer. I lost my grip and sobbed as I explained to my mom that I had just passed the movers taking her trailer away. My mom was awesome as she said, “I’m so sorry you had to see that, baby. Just remember she is still with us and be thankful.”

By the time I got to the courthouse, I had at least stopped crying but I was still stifling the sobs inside me. I asked the lady behind the desk for the marriage certificate and she had me review it to make sure it was correct. I started crying AGAIN as I read my name with Joey’s name.

I was a mess. Plain and simply complicated. An emotional wreck. Dang.

I went to the church and saw Steve which cheered me. Then, I watched our memorial DVD on the big screen at Riv. Almost lost it again but was able to pull myself together.

I searched for presents for the bridesmaids. I had their spa robes but wanted to get them jewelry. After months of looking for a necklace, I couldn’t find anything. But at Target, with Joey, I found a couple of options. I needed to go to the Target on the west side.

Thursday, May 22
Got up, unpacked some more, cleaned, worked on DVDs, met up with Christine at Target on the west side. Christine and I tried on several different necklace combinations and decided on the one I wasn’t too sure about—the original one Joey had suggested the night before. I bought all the store had but needed a few more. Back to the list of stuff I did. I stopped at the bank to get the check for Kellogg Center, went to Horrocks to pick out flowers for the reception, went to Elderly Music, went to Kellogg Center, met with Pam, finalized numbers, went to cake place, showed them a picture of the cake one last time, called the DJ and left a message asking if I could meet with him again, went to Target and bought slippers for the girls along with necklaces and then got a call from Kelly saying she was on her way to the dress place to get her bridesmaid dress. (Deep breath) Went to Kohl’s to kill time, met Kelly at the Wedding Bell, tried on her dress (it just needed to be hemmed), went to the alterations place, called a whole bunch of people telling them to meet us at Texas Roadhouse at 6:30, hung out at the mall, she followed me to Joey’s, Nick met up with us and then we ate dinner at TR’s. Wow. I was soooo tired after that. But there was still work to do. And can you believe Yi and Jenny came over to help us with our escort cards and seating arrangements? Of course you can because they are AWESOME. I finished up the two of the DVDs (the ones I needed to finish) and then went to bed.

Friday, May 23
Woke up with a splitting headache. Finished copying the Friends and Parents DVD. Worked on the Joey and Holly DVD needed for the reception. I received a phone call from Douggie J’s. They had to cancel my pedicure and reschedule. “Are you kidding me?” I said. I explained how I was getting married in two days and they needed to do something to fix this situation. I have to admit, I wasn’t being Christ like. I was upset. Not even angry. Just disappointed and upset. Bobby came into the dining room and asked if I was okay. “No, I’m not. I’m overwhelmed and getting upset about stuff I shouldn’t be getting upset about. This isn’t really that important.” “You know what, Holl,” Bobby said, “I hate it when people say that because it is important. It’s important to you. Don’t discount that.” I was blown away by his advice and comforting words. I love Bobby D.

Douggie J’s called back and had found someone to do my nails and pedicure at the same time. Unfortunately, my other bridesmaids had their appointments changed. I found out later it was for another wedding party. I was now at migraine status and had to lay down. Joey came home for lunch and tried to help. I slept. I knew I had a nail appointment at 1:30 so I took my time getting ready. Jenny called. Douggie J’s called. My appointment had been for 12:45. It was 1:00. Dang. How could I have forgotten? Looking back, it’s no wonder.

Jenny, being the awesome person she is, switched my appointments around and I still got my nails and pedicure. I had dreamed of Jenny, Yi and I getting them all done at the same time but oh well. Let it go. I got back to Joey’s and we finished putting the gift packages together. I had meant to go to Charlar Place (where the rehearsal dinner was being held) to make sure the DVDs would work but never got the chance. Joey loaded the car and we left for Riverview.

It was surreal walking into the church and rehearsing for my wedding. I still didn’t feel like it was really happening to me. Me? ME!?! After some minor drama I won’t mention, the rehearsal was under way. As a joke, I had Kristie play the theme from Leave It To Beaver when my dad and I walked down the aisle. It went over well but poor dad thought I was really going to walk down to that song. Because of our large bridal party, the attendants had to stand on three rows, staggered. I didn’t like it at all but forgot to tell Devon, the wedding coordinator. At the end of the rehearsal, Noel pulled all of us together and I smiled as I looked around the room. These were my bestest, closest friends and family in one room at the same time at Riverview, my favorite place in the world. I took it all in and just smiled.

We had fun at the dinner. The food was so good. My aunt presented a gift to Joey and I from herself and grandma. It was a blanket my grandma had started long ago and my aunt finished for us. We were all in tears as my aunt presented us with the blanket.

Sometime during the dinner we realized the DVD was not going to work with the equipment provided by Charlar Place. I could have kicked myself for not checking ahead of time. I just had this feeling…. We had also forgotten to put Lyndsay’s gift in the car. Junior stepped up and drove back home. He grabbed all the computer stuff on the dining room and put it in a clothes basket. Somehow, everything worked out and we were able to view the DVDs (though the quality was crappy).

There were laughs and tears as we gave everyone their gifts. I realized just how great Joey is at public speaking and how maybe I struggle with it. He is smooth in his presentation and I am a little choppy. Still, we had fun. The best was when I called all of my parents up front. I had no clue what I was going to say and it just came out: guess who goes with who? So my step-dad pulled my step-mom toward him and my parents stood together. I was rolling. Then I said, “wait, I thought it was like this….” I put my two moms and dads next to each other. We were all laughing.

Kelly gave me a check I had written her in like 1996 or something crazy like that. So cool.

After everything was done, myself, Joey, Junior, Peter, Jenny and Yi headed over to Joey’s. We picked up the house and drank some wine. I said good-bye to Joey and said we would talk in two days. I then left and drove to my mom’s. Because my aunt was in town, I slept in bed with my mom. I fell asleep knowing I was smack in the middle of change. Little did I know…

One Month Ago Today...

I have been married for one month. I can hardly believe it. It seems like forever ago already. And there are so many things I don’t want to forget…maybe some I should…maybe some I can’t…but I wanted to get them down on e-paper so I have them to remember.

May 16
I moved. June and Joey came and helped me move all the big stuff from my apartment to Joey’s house. I had to leave for Lansing a little early because it was my step-father’s birthday and I wanted to have dinner with him. We ate at Buddies and then I went to Joey’s. I can hardly explain how I felt when I walked into the house. It was total chaos. My stuff was packed to the ceiling in the front living room. My throat closed up pretty tight and panic set in. This was shown in the form of me looking scared and not being able to speak…or breathe. Joey asked me whose bed I wanted in his room. I pointed to his bed. So, they put my furniture in Joey’s room and placed the mattresses on it. Junior’s brother was there helping out. If you’ve never seen a picture of him before then let me describe him. He’s built like Popeye. Huge muscles. So when I say the mattress was placed on the frame, it was done so with June’s brother’s pinky finger. As I saw the bed being placed on the frame, I changed my mind. “No, my bed. I want my bed in here.” Joey was so accommodating. He knew I wasn’t having an easy time with this so he said, “no problem.” Junior’s brother switched out the mattresses and then the guys left to return the moving van.

Thank God my sister was there. She and Lyndsay helped me get settled and the tightness in my chest started to release. I was standing in Joey’s closet when he returned. He saw me looking at all my clothes and all his clothes. “How are you doing?” he asked. I started crying.

I didn’t feel at home yet here was my stuff. And Joey’s stuff. And too much stuff. Joey and I unpacked a lot of my boxes in the spare room which I quickly started calling my room. It was the only place in the house that looked like mine—not mine mixed in with someone else’s. I spent the night in that room and woke up happier.

My 17—The Bachelor and Bachette Parties
So, let’s back up a little on this story. My bridesmaid, old roommate and co-worker, Krissie, was in charge of the bachette party. We decided to rent a hotel room…a suite….in downtown Lansing at the Radisson. Aware of how much my bridesmaids and friends were spending on everything else, I decided to ask my step-dad for the $300 for the suite. All I told Krissie was that room was taken care of and not to worry.

Why was I going to ask my step-dad? Because he had asked several times how he could help us. I thought, “this will work and it’s not a lot of money.” Then, at the end of April after my last bridal shower, my step-dad gave Joey and I some money. It paid for our flight to Hawaii. Ummm….sweet! and crap. Now I couldn’t ask him for the money for the hotel. Oh well. I had a feeling it would somehow work itself out. But then I found out how much it was going to cost for my and the bridesmaid’s to stay at the hotel the night before the wedding. $300! That’s $600 total in hotel rooms!!! I knew this wasn’t going to fly with Joey and I didn’t know what to do. “Oh, God,” I prayed, “if you can get me out of this one, I’ll love you forever.” Of course, I would love him anyway but I was getting a little nervous.

Like I stated earlier, the morning of my bachette party, I woke up feeling happier. I put on some work clothes and started straightening out the kitchen. It happened to be Joey’s bachelor party so the guys started showing up. They were meeting there and then heading to paintball. It was cool hanging out with all of them. Of course, they teased me and said I shouldn’t be there because it was Joey’s party but all in fun. After they left, I went to town cleaning out the front room. I really had a system down. I was so involved in the cleaning, I forgot I had to go to the bank before my hair appointment. And Bobby needed a ride to work. And I needed to finish my DVDs. Cowabunga.

I took Bobby to work, got to the bank and was only 10 minutes late to my hair appointment. Man, I needed a nap. I headed back to Joey’s and remembered—Oh snap. The guys will be there for lunch! Oh well. Oh….well. I tried to be discrete when I walked in but they immediately asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. So there I was, at my fiancé’s bach party, hanging with the guys. They left to play golf and I took a nap with Chessie.

During the nap, I heard mad thunder and pounding rain. I wondered if they were safe on the course but continued to sleep. I also heard my phone ring but was too sleepy to care. After I did get up and got ready, the phone rang again. It was my bridesmaid Becky.

“Holls.”
“Yes.”
“Did you get my voicemail?”
“Um…no (I’m bad about listening to my voicemails).”
“Okay, well we had to change the hotel room.”
“Okay….”
“Yeah, apparently our room at the Radisson flooded…and so they are putting us up at the Country Inn on Creyts Road….for….free.”
“Did you say free?”
“Yup, free.“No way! God is sooooooooo good. I can’t even tell you!”

I went outside and saw Mike and Jerred sitting there. I told them the story. I was so excited. God paid for our hotel room. I met up with the girls and we had so much fun laughing at stories from our past. We got a Big Daddy Taxi and headed downtown Lansing to Tropo for dinner. Very good and very expensive. Then, we went dancing. A nice night.

Joey had way more drama take place. Between Jerred showing up at 2am shining his cell phone in Joey’s face and Bobby needing to be picked up somewhere, Joe barely got any sleep. I guess the guys had fun but poor Diana and Jamie became the victim’s of a prank (long story dealing with a remote car alarm).

More to come...

Stay

I meant to post this back in February but it seems appropriate to do it now.



Stay lyrics

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall

And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call

It's just another call from home

And you'll get it and be gone

And I'll be crying



And I'll be begging you, baby

Beg you not to leave

But I'll be left here waiting

With my Heart on my sleeve

Oh, for the next time we'll be here

Seems like a million years

And I think I'm dying



What do I have to do to make you see

She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay

I'm down on my knees

I'm so tired of being lonely

Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go

There is one thing you should know

We don't have to live this way

Baby, why don't you stay

This is the #1 song on the country stations right now. Every time it has come on, I’ve listened to half of the song and then turned it. It was too painful for me to listen to. I’ve been this girl before. I’ve put myself into hurtful, damaging, twisted love triangles. Not just one time but several times. I’ve done it as a pre-Christian and as a follower of Christ. I’m not immune to pain just because I follow Him. That’s silly. But there is something about the pain I went through before Christ and after Him. Maybe the pain isn’t different but the healing was. And the lyrics of this song…dang. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about being in that place again.



You keep telling me, baby

There will come a time

When you will leave her arms

And forever be in mine

But I don't think that's the truth

And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting

It's too much pain to have to bare

To love a man you have to share



Why don't you stay

I'm down on my knees

I'm so tired of being lonely

Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go

There is one thing you should know

We don't have to live this way

Baby, why don't you stay

A few weeks ago, we were talking about sex at Riverview during the Exposed series. This series will forever be of help to me. I always thought it was my right to have sex with whomever I wanted but the truth…the actual no-bullshit truth is that every time I had sex with someone and then we broke up, a piece of me was now missing. When Mark Brett taught one weekend, he glued two boards together and then snapped them apart. The pieces were still glued together. It was difficult to watch. We need to have fun sex. We need to have one sex. It is for our own well being and safety. I see that now. It is for a husband and a wife and it is supposed to keep them together forever…not just the few months they dated…not just when my self esteem is low...not just to prove a point...not just because I can....



I was thinking about this the other day in the car. It was so much easier to get over a lost "love" when I was in junior high and part of high school. At a certain point, breaking up became traumitizing to me. Why? Partly because sex was involved. It made everything so complicated. There weren't any more simple good-byes. Now, it was the board snapping in half...a part of me staying behind and me taking a part of someone else along with me. But I didn't see it that way. Again, it was my right and it wasn't hurting anyone. But I completely see the lie in that thinking. I see the horrible pain it caused to me and still causes people I love.


But Jesus heals. He has healed me and forgiven me of my sins. He told me not to do what I was doing but still was there to comfort me when I did it anyway. Jesus heals.

For the first time, I listened to the rest of the "Stay" song:



I can't take it any longer

But my will is getting stronger

And I think I know just what I have to do

I can't waste another minute

After all that I've put in it

I've given you my best

Why does she get the best of you

So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine



Why don't you stay

I'm up off my knees

I'm so tired of being lonely

You can't give me what I need

When she begs you not to go

There is one thing you should know

I don't have to live this way

Baby, why don't you stay, yeah



I'd like to think the singer was at Riverview hearing how she was free from sinning. I'd like to think she reached out to Jesus and he helped her break away. I'd like to think it was God she turned to and He helped her heal. Well, that's my story at least and maybe I'll keep thinking that's what the singer went through.

I've got soooo many blogs to post. Soon....I'll get to it soon...

My friend Sonny sent me this link. I ask you--what the hell is wrong with Christians? And I ams one still wanting to know.