I am now a mother.
Crazy to even write that let alone comprehend it.
When I started this blog, I was in my 20s, single and a new Christian. Both my grandmas were alive, my dad could talk to me and I only dreamed of what my own family would one day look like.
Here they are.
Joey, Xavier, Titan, Chessie and Hemi--my family.
When we brought Xavier home, we were such amateurs. We put him between us on the bed (up by our heads) and didn't sleep at all. I couldn't understand my intense protection and love for this little baby. I praised God for answering my prayers regarding my pregnancy, labor, delivery, and now this beautiful boy.
And then, Kim gave birth to her second stillborn girl.
I couldn't understand it. I was crushed. I couldn't accept that a righteous, just God would do this a second time. I held my baby closer than before. There was no way this angry God would take my child from me. Somehow, my anger at God changed to an unhealthy fear of Him. I feared His will to be able to take the ones I love from me. I tightened my grip around them and refused to let go.
For the first time, I was going through a period where I didn't trust the Lord. I just didn't. I quit praying. I quit talking to Him. I quit talking about Him. I quit singing songs and praising Him. I wondered if Satan had found a loophole with me: I will follow God unless He takes my family. I just don't think I could follow Him if that happened.
But I've also felt an emptiness since all of this has happened. Jesus fills my heart and my soul. He is my friend and it is weird not talking to someone because you are so pissed at them. I struggled with all of this and finally prayed for the Holy Spirit to be stirred in me.
I knew I needed Him but I didn't know how to reconcile and makes sense of everything.
A week went by.
And then another week.
And another week.
On my way to visit Kim, I found out a close friend of mine had another miscarriage. I also heard reports of the new orphans in Haiti. My heart was just breaking all over the damn place. I wanted to talk to God but I just couldn't "pick up the phone."
That night...or early morning...maybe around 2:30ish...I was trying to get Xavier to sleep. I was rocking him in my arms as I walked around the house pausing to look out windows. I often comment on the miracles in creation I see to God but lately, those conversations had been silenced. I came to the back, sliding glass door and looked out at the blankets of snow. Yes, I thought, they really do look like white blankets. The stars were shining and the trees stood bare. Suddenly, lyrics came to my mind....
"Oh Lord, Please light the fire
that once burned bright and clear
Replace the lamp of my first love
that burns with Holy Fear."
The lyrics didn't flow from my memory. They staggered and came in confusing bits and pieces...but I knew the gist of what my heart wanted. I needed my heavenly Father. I needed to apologize to Him for acting like a spoiled brat. I needed His forgiveness because I had been acting like my own god. I just needed Him.
That Sunday at church, James Granger's teaching drew me closer to Jesus. Then, I watched Joyce Meyer talk about suffering on Monday morning. At BSF, a woman spoke about a terrible disease she has that could end her life soon but she said she wouldn't die one minute sooner than when God wanted her to.
God is in control. God IS in control.
It feels wonderful to talk freely to God again. I still struggle with understanding all of this hurt but I would rather struggle with God than to struggle on my own.
