Why 2004 Sucked

1.) Melissa’s mom died.
2.) Patrick Schutte died.
3.) Simeon died.
4.) Grandma died.
5.) Margurite died.
6.) Ben moved away.
7.) Marlene moved away.
8.) Andy moved away.
9.) Joey and I broke up.
10.) Dental work.
11.) Went to 1 to 1 department and left the Best Team Ever (which sucked at first).
12.) Lived in a small room for almost the whole year.
13.) Washington D.C.
14.) Jason Brisboe was killed in a car accident.
15.) Bought my first new car but couldn't sell my old one (anyone want to buy a 2000 Impala with only 63,000 miles?)

I'm sure there is more but that is all I could think of right now.

Why 2003 Rocked

It is the year end and I've been thinking a lot about the life I had in 2003 compared to 2004. So, prepare to be bored...

1.) Met up with Joey again after 9 years.
2.) Lived in my own apartment.
3.) Valassis
a. Got my first big bonus
b. Promoted to Program Leader on Pizza Hut team
c. Part of the Best Team Ever: Krissie, Marlene, Kelly, Boz, Geeta, Brenda, & Ben.
d. My co-workers became my closest friends. We had so much fun at work and outside of work, too.
4.) The places I went:
a. Graceland
b. Nashville
c. Cheeseburger In Paradise
d. Chicago
e. Cincinnati
5.) The weddings I attended:
a. Jason & Greta
b. Brandon & Melissa
c. Chip & Stephanie
6.) The weddings I was in:
a. Angie & Patrick (so much fun!)
7.) Happy Hours.
8.) The Blackout of 2003 (yes, I thought it was a blast)
9.) Sold my Grand Am and got an Impala (which would later suck in 2004)
10.) Tailgating at State with Marlene and Joey
11.) Christmas
12.) Cubbies were in the World Series (and I watched almost every game)
13.) Concerts I went to:
a. Buffett @ DTE
b. Buffett in Cinci
c. Beach Boys @ DTE
14.) And the single most significant thing that rocked in 2003 and all the years of my life was that I became a Christ Follower and found a church that I adore (though don't always agree with--much like my family).

Why 2003 Sucked
1.) Becky’s mom died.
2.) Bush and I broke up after 5 years.

Jane Marie

Me: Jane, do you have any spare change for my big, red cup? (Extends cup to receive change.)
Jane: What? Where does the money go?
Me: My bank account.
Jane: Oh, hold on then (looks for money).
Me: No, really it is going to an orphanage in Haiti.
Jane: What? Are you serious?
Me: Yes, Jane...why are you so surprised? Do I not seem like the type?
Jane: (Smiles and keeps smiling) Um.....here you go! (Drops change in cup.)
Me: Thanks, Jane! Now, did you give with joy in your heart?
Jane: Yes...and with feet in my socks.
Me: God wouldn't want it any other way...

Oh...the drama

My niece, who will be 8 on 12/26, forgot her earrings today. She asked her teacher, Mr. Smyth, if he would call her mother and ask to have them dropped off. Can you imagine??? Not only could I have not asked my teacher to do something like that...a male teacher??? Ha! Yeah right! Well....actually, he did it. He called my sister and asked her to bring Lyndsay's earrings by at lunch. So, the little princess got her earrings and all was well in Lyndsay Land.

As a sidenote, I think she was scared the earring holes would close if she didn't have any in and convinced Mr. Smyth this might be a catastrophe of some sort.

Affirmation

I soooo needed to read this today from my friend, Dan:

I'm still reading the new Don Miller book and finding that it is almost exactly what I've been thinking about for my next sermon. The text that I was starting with is Jeremiah 9. God says pretty much "don't boast about what you have, what you know or what you do, but boast that you know me..." It's weird cause it seems we are wired to need/want affirmation in our lives from other people, but when we find our value in that and not God, then we can be boasting in what we do.

Like I've been writing lately, I do need/seek affirmation. Sometimes it is because I want to know if I'm getting it all right. But the truth is...everyone likes to be right. I'm okay with being wrong (sometimes) but...I don't know...a lot of times I look for guidance from other humans who have been at this longer.

I'm going through this crazy "thing" right now. Someone who I've known for almost ever, called me out. They seem to think this part of my life is a phase...that I'm trying to find myself. The accusation almost made me cry. It hurt. I wasn't so much angry but I felt bad that the good which is coming out from God through me, could be washed away with a few simple words. It drives me batty to think that those who are closest to me think I am a Jesus Freak...when really, I haven't changed all THAT much. But I knew this was coming. Jesus said it would.

I remember the teaching that Noel gave about taking up your cross, counting the cost...and hating your family and friends in comparison to your love for God. Of course, these aren't Noel's words, these are Jesus' but it was through Noel that I finally understood: this decision, this following Christ thing, wasn't going to be easy or very popular with my peeps.

For the most part, I've kept all the same friends. I've reached out to them in different ways, let them know the last thing I want is for them to feel like I'm some self-righteous witch out to try to change all of them. I only want to support and be there...and if God uses me to get to some of them, I'll know it. Right now, I'm kind of hanging out and trying to lead by example or something like that.

Two last thoughts (for today): I am still me. I still love to dance, hang out with my friends, have some beer, perhaps a jack and coke, wine. I still love food and sometimes over-eating (gluttony). I still love Buffett and Snopp Dogg and Night Ranger and Ambrosia. I still go to the mall and spend money on myself when I probably shouldn't. I still swear...Occasionally...and yes, it comes from the heart. But none of this matters because none of it is about me anymore. And as freaky as that is for some people to know, it hasn't been about me for some time now. It is about my new best friend, the one I look to, the one I thank for all sorts of things throughout the day, the one who accepts me, the one I sing songs to, and cry to and get mad at and the one who feeds me and uses me and teaches me. It is all about him.

Damn, I wish being a Christ Follower were a cool thing to do...I guess I'll join the rest of you freaks, though :o)

The Dentist

I went to the dentist last week for my bi-annual cleaning. I feel like I own the place I've sunk so much money in it. I've definitely become a princess this year with all the crowns they gave me (ha ha..heh...grumble). But that is what I get for not paying much attention to my teeth.

The visit was a good one, though. I made a commitment to floss every night and I've been very good about it. I was amazed how easy my cleaning went and I now have hope for the future of my mouth. :o) Oh, I don't know if I have any cavities or not...there wasn't enough money left on my insurance to have the dentist take a look. :o)

Disney Princess

You Are Megara
Charming and witty. You are always the first person to come up with a wisecrack. Sure, you have an attitude, but that's why people love you. You keep them on their toes. Sometimes you can be misleading, but always end up doing the right thing for the people you love.

Does this sound like me? Do people love me because I'm a smartass?

I think this is kind of interesting because I can be misleading. For example, it may appear that I am cynical at times but I think what is really happening is I get down about the world around me, the world I used to be apart of, the world I still am a part of. I see people getting hurt over and over but can't get out of their sinning cycles. Sometimes, I get down because I want to protect those that are so dear to me...like Jesus.

I want to clarify that I am not cynical about Christmas. I think I made it clear how much I like the holiday. I think I was going beyond, beyond with my unoriginal ideas, though. I realized Jesus doesn't want me to alienate Christmas if it alienates other people.

Oh, and I don't think I'm cool. I think I am wrong...all of the time...about a lot of ideas. It is pretty interesting sitting next to me in church. I'll hear something which is either completely opposite of something I've said or done....and then there are the days when I smile and say, "Got that one covered, God." I remember during the We Are Ambassadors teaching, the question was asked about our sex lives. I don't remember the exact question, but I knew my answer and I let myself be proud...or maybe I felt a smile beaming on me...or maybe I just felt good for getting that part of my life straightened out and serving God wholly instead of hole-y.

This year has been a struggle...giving up two of my sin areas. But I did it and I feel good because "I always end up doing the right thing for the people I love." And I love God.

Pee In The Snow

This is fun:
Write your name in the snow

December 10th

Today is her birthday and I'm sad. It's rainy and blah outside which fits my mood inside. I hope to get the Memorial DVD my cousin and I made tonight so I can watch it and remember her. I'm also going square dancing tonight with some pals. We are going to crash some square dancing club thing (I think you have to be a member but perhaps they'll feel sorry for me after my sob story and let me join). Anyhow, I'm still going to "celebrate" because she loved her birthday. I know she has a new birthday, though. Kind of weird that the day she died was actually a kind of a birthday, too, because she was born into heaven. At least I hope. I have faith she's there. Still, being left in this gloomy place without her, I'm trying my best to understand she's really gone. My human feelings though feel sad and that it is a little unfair. I don't really understand but I think that is how God made us. He doesn't always want or expect us to understand. But he does expect and want us to have faith and I do.

April 2004 Grandma and I the last time we danced together.

Grandma at Easter time.

My Grandmother (the baby) and her Aunt Mary.

Buffett Part I

My Life in 400 Words or Less by Jimmy Buffett

I broke out of the grip of Catholicism and made it through adolescence without killing myself in a car. I flunked out of college. I learned to play the guitar, lived on the beach, lived in the French Quarter, finally got laid, and didn't go to Vietnam. I got back into school, started a band, got a job on Bourbon Street, graduated from college, flunked my draft physical, broke up my band, and went out on the road solo. I signed a record deal, got married, moved to Nashville, had my guitar stolen, bought a Mercedes, worked at Billboard magazine, put out my first album, went broke, met Jerry Jeff Walker, wrecked the Mercedes, got divorced, and moved to Key West. I sang and worked on a fishing boat, went totally crazy, did a lot of dope, met the right girl, made another record, had a hit, bought a boat, and sailed away to the Caribbean. I started another band, worked the road, had my second and last hit, bought a house in Aspen, started spending summers in New England, got married, broke my leg three times in one year, had a baby girl, made more records, bought a bigger boat, and sailed away to St. Barts. I got separated from the right girl, sold the boat, sold the house in Aspen, moved back to Key West, worked the road, and made more records. I rented an apartment in Paris, went to Brazil for Carnival, learned to fly, went into therapy, quit doing dope, bought my first seaplane, flew all over the Caribbean, almost got a second divorce, moved to Malibu for mer therapy, and got back with the right girl.
I worked the road, moved back to Nashville, took off in an F-14 from an aircraft carrier, bought a summer home on Long Island, had another baby girl. I found the perfect seaplane and moved back to Florida. Cameron Marley joined me in the house of women. I built a home on Long Island, crashed the perfect seaplane in Nantucket, lived through it thanks to navy training, tried to slow down a little, woke up one morning and I was looking at fifty, trying to figure out what comes next.

Buffett in December--A Beautiful Thing

I attended A COASTAL CONFESSION: AN EVENING WITH JIMMY BUFFETT last night at the United Artist movie theater approximately 5 miles from my residence.
And booooo on my friends who didn’t show last night, though none of them read this blog (yet—I’m sure Dan we’ll find out who my friends are and tell them about this boring thing—ha ha on you, Dan). I still found a parrothead friend in the last days so I didn’t have to fly solo.
The show was amazing.

The Coastal Confession took place in New Orleans and had that New Orleans feel to it. Jimmy came out in a long sleeve, button up shirt (not tucked in), jeans, and loafers. He promptly removed his shoes when he sat down to play the first song. It was a change of pace because he didn’t have the full Coral Reefer Band backing him up. He had a piano, two acoustics (him playing one), conga drums, steel drums and back up singers. Very cool and laid back. Buffet unplugged.

There were loud mouths shouting stuff through the whole thing but Jimmy kept his cool. One dude shouted, “Why don’t we get drunk and screw!!” Jimmy shook his head and said, "We do that one in the summer shows.” He followed up with "I remember my first beer…" I almost laughed myself off my chair.

There were a lot of funny moments but don’t want to bore you with all of them (plus I don’t remember). Someone asked about Jimmy’s Little Miss Magic and what she was up to now. Jimmy said, “My Little Miss Magic is STILL IN COLLEGE at 25-years-old!” I guess she is taking film at Miami University. Someone else asked about the link between Deadheads and Parrotheads and also if Jerry Garcia was a closet Parrothead. Buffett said yes and talked about the time when the Grateful Dead played a venue on Thursday & Friday and then the Coral Reefers came and played Saturday & Sunday. Jimmy looked out into the crowd at the Sunday show and could tell who had been to all four concerts. He and Jerry also discussed doing a show together.

I laughed pretty hard when Buffett was finished and went off stage. They forgot to turn his mic off so you heard him say, “How long was that?” “2 hours.” “No shit!” Cut the mic.
The acoustics in the movie theater were excellent. I felt like Jimmy was on a stage in front of me. It really was a cool idea and I would do it again. All of the songs he played were great, too. He covered a Lyle Lovett, James Taylor and the best was “Wind Cries Mary” by Jimi Hendrix.

All of this just reinforced my love for Buffett’s music (and the man himself). Yes, I feel a kinship with someone I’ve never met. Ooooooh, weird you say? But why Jimmy? People can really go either way with him. I’m going to do a study about why he is my favorite artist and you’ll have to suffer through it. Ha ha.

A mother's love...

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/12/07/octopus.love.ap/index.html
This almost made me cry...

Another One Bites It...

Just kidding, Ben :o)

My friend Ben got engaged and I'm really happy for the two of them. Can't wait to see the kids, either. I hope they come out with brown hair and brown eyes (he and his fiance are extremely fair with blonde hair and blue eyes). Don't forget, Ben, that I'm giving you away so your dad can be the best man. I think that's how it works anyway.

10 People To Meet

I watched 5 People You Meet In Heaven last night. Nope, didn't read the book. I can only handle Mitch Albom in small doses. The program was actually okay. It held my attention while I shredded old paperwork. I was actually wrong about the ending, too. I told the air (because no one was there to hear me) that the little girl Eddie was trying to save, lived (which was correct) but that Eddie would be one of her 5 people someday (I'm positive that was where Mitch was going with this anyhow). Still, I hope heaven isn't like this tale. In fact, I know it probably isn't because Eddie was feeling so much pain. Also, when does he get to meet his maker? Was he trapped in some type of purgatory? Weird.

I sat there hoping to God that when I die, I don't have to roam the halls of Valassis and learn about all the peoples lives I saved and took (my job is so violent at times). Then, I thought, "Who would my five people be?" After panicking for a moment, I decided a better question was "What 10 people would I want to meet?" Not 10 people I would want to see but assuming I could meet anyone in heaven, someone I never met, who? And why 10? Because 5 just doesn't seem like enough and 15 is boring.

1. My Grandpa Beavers--I've only heard stories. I have one picture of him holding me before the cancer got him. I would ask him what his childhood was like, how was it raising my father, was he nervous about building a golf course... I would ask how he felt when he heard I was going to be born and what went through his mind the first time he met me ("get this stinkin kid a new diaper") . I know I wasn't born into a great parental situation so I guess I just wonder what he thought. Then, I would ask him to square dance with me.

2. Laura Ingalls Wilder--I'm a huge fan. Love the books. I have read them more times then I know. I've been to most of the places she lived. I would ask her more about her family, especially Pa. Perhaps she and I could make a quilt together (see, in heaven, I'll know how to sew) or I could listen to her tell stories from when she was growing up.

3. Buddy Holly--I would ask him to sing Rave On or True Love Ways. He would ask me to join in a duet. Then, he would ask me to stop (I don't think I'll ever be able to sing, even in heaven).

4. Abe--I would have so many questions for Abe about the war, growing up, if he really wrestled a wildcat, etc. Then, I would just sit back and listen to him tell funny stories.

5. George Harrison--My favorite Beatle. Perhaps, if John is there, too, they could perform a little concert. I would request songs that George wrote, though.

6. Sim--I only met him once but I think I would ask him what is so darn special about Apple computers. I would also see if he could hook me up with an iPod and all the free music (this is heaven, after all). We would hang out and he would play some G Love songs on his guitar. Then we'd go to the bar and have a drink so we could swap stories about Ben (just kidding). I would tell him how much everyone misses him, how they are trying to live without him, how much he impacted my life...but he would already know.

7. There are two people who I never met but I know they died because of my actions. I would probably just check in, say I'm sorry.

8. Fluffy--please, don't tell me Fluffy Roo isn't in heaven. I know she is there waiting for me.

9. Paul--I would ask Paul sooooooooo many things. You know what they are :o)

10. Of course, the first being I would want to see when I go home, is my God and Jesus. They didn't make an appearance in the movie last night but I hope to see them almost immediately.

Thus concludes my boring list. Any ghost readers out there have a list?

Giftmas

***Another long blog I'm probably really wrong about...just trying to pretend I'm deep--ha!***

Last night, I heard an awesome commentary from John Boykin on NPR. The title of his commentary was “Can the 'Christ' Be Kept in Christmas?”

Boykin began his commentary on how he boycotts the first store to put out Christmas stuff. He began his boycott in October. I rolled my eyes. “Come on, guy,” I thought. I mean, this is Christmas after all. Do you really have to be so self righteous about it? I mean, this guy was totally taking it all the wrong way. But I listened…and it felt like Boykin’s words were feelings and thoughts that had been bottling up inside me for some time.

Boykin said, “If Jesus was God’s way of walking the earth, He is the wrong person to trivialize.” He explained that he wasn’t fighting the commercialism of Christmas (that fight was lost long ago) but that he, Boykin, wants to focus on the “disentanglement” of Jesus from Christmas.

Churches remind us not to forget the “Christ” in Christmas….Boykin wants to free Christ from Christmas altogether.

He contrasted Martin Luther King, Jr. Day with Christmas Day. On MLK Day, we focus on the man, his legacy, the impact he had on society. We don’t even think about his birth. Christmas, Boykin states, has “no time for what the adult Jesus said and did.” Christmas keeps him “safely shut up as a baby in a manger where he can’t make his usual noise about people repenting and living a Godly life.”

This blew me away. I mean, I know all about the retailer focus of Christmas, giving gifts, making others happy, but when you think about it, it really has little to do with who Christ is. For a couple of weeks now, I’ve been thinking about Christmas and what it really means to me. Really, it means getting the perfect gift for someone—someone who already has everything they need and more but also the one who has nothing. But something isn’t quite sitting right this holiday season. It started when Joey and I went to Staples at 6am on Black Friday. We saw a woman publicly berate her mother for not being quick enough in grabbing the last doorbuster item…all in the name of the perfect Christmas gift. Oh, wouldn’t Jesus be proud….

Last night, I saw a risqué commercial for Victoria’s Secret. Women parading around in their skivvies saying, “Tell me I’m sexy, tell me you love me, tell me you want me…get me the perfect Christmas gift…push up bra and matching thong…” I felt disgusted. This is how we celebrate Jesus’ birthday? How much does all of this have to do with our Savior?

Boykin said, “We do him no honor by carting him out once a year and standing him on his head.”

Boykin asked, “Does his birth matter?” Yes, to his followers it is important to celebrate his birth as a way to back up Jesus’ claim of being the son of God. “But Jesus didn’t back up his claim this way. He pointed not to his birth, but to his resurrection.” He blatently said, “Don’t celebrate my life, only my death.” He wanted us to remember him for what he did in the end. We bring out the Easter Bunny to squeeze the significance of that event.

Christmas is easy for non-Christ followers. They don’t have to think about where this baby’s life ended up. They don’t have to remember it was his last three years on earth which mattered the most. They don’t even have to focus on anything he taught us. The truth is that Christmas is about gifts and food and family. The lie is that it is about this little baby who ended up saving us. I mean, if my roommate’s father, a self-proclaimed atheist, can celebrate Christmas, don’t we really know what it ISN’T about?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m not going to celebrate Christmas. I’m not trying to be dogmatic or a scrooge or say there is nothing good about Christmas. There is a lot that is good about it…but the more I learn about Jesus, the more I realize how little he has to do with this holiday. I’m still going to celebrate. I’m still going to give gifts. I’m still going to help out where I can. I’m still going to reflect on that holy night God came into the world as a human baby. And I still like Christmas…a lot.

Boykin’s point of the commentary was not to stop celebrating Christmas, either, but to take Christ out of it because he really has such a small roll in it anyway. Jesus fought hypocrisy and according to Boykin it was not the kind of hypocrisy where you say one thing and do another. It was the hypocrisy of “using God and things of God as a means to some other end…like ohhh…say…making a buck.” He related it to the money changers in the temples. Again, Boykin said he didn’t want to cancel Christmas but he would “trade a month of Christmases for one meaningful Easter.”

After all, “Jesus was not born to be the patron saint of 4th quarter earnings.”

Something for Everyone

Only those who know Jane Marie will think this is funny...maybe.

I walked through the lobby of work the other day and was surprised to see the lobby decorated for the holidays.
Me: Wow! Jane, it looks nice in here.
Jane (receptionist, in her 60s picture a sweet, grandma type lady): Yeah!
Me: You've got the Christmas Tree, the menorahs, the dreidels...
Jane: Something for everyone (smile).
Me: What about the atheists, Jane? What do they get?
Jane: Shit.

Turkey Day 2004

Highlights of my Thanksgiving:

• Getting to Lansing at 2pm on Wednesday before the storm really hit--not a lot of traffic, and pretty smooth sailing.
• Instead of taking advantage of this, I drove to Charlotte, in the worst part of the storm because Fawn and I were supposed to have dinner and I didn't want to cancel (plus she called me a chicken). Quote from Joey: Well, it isn't the smartest thing you've ever done--call me if you go in the ditch.
• Safe and sound at my sister's house by 7pm.
• Watching the parade with Lynds and Brad Thanksgiving morning.
• Brad and I volunteering at the Rescue Mission and getting on the news.
• Brad's prayer at dinner time: Please bless those less fortunate than we are.
• Playing Barbie's with Lyndsay and Bradley (he was bored, he said yes, please--to the two people who might read this, don't make fun of him). Bradley chose to run the grocery store with my old Michael Jackson Barbie. My Barbie went shopping and asked Michael if he wanted to come to her party. Michael paused and said, "Will there be any little boys there?" I about fell over laughing. When did my nephew get tuned in to adult type stories and humor??
• Bradley, Lynds, my mom and I playing Uno over and over again, laughing the whole time.
• Joey coming over to visit and going through the ads with me to figure out what to buy.
• Getting up at 5:15 the next morning to go shopping. It was actually pretty fun and I got most of the things I "needed" to get.
• Falling asleep on the couch for two hours with one niece by my head and one nephew by my feet.

Thus concludes Thanksgiving 2004.

Sad Blog

I never really look forward to working out but yesterday was different. My workout buddy and friend was going to be home for the holidays and I was actually looking forward to seeing him at Bally's. I didn't realize how much I missed him when he moved to Chicago in September. A lot had happened since then. Bottom line is I've worked out twice since he left. But yesterday was supposed to be different. I was really looking forward to seeing him.

I wasn't even worried when I saw two ambulances in front of Bally's.

In fact, I forgot about it as soon as I saw Andy on the cross-trainer. I was greeted with a huge smile and a hug. We did cardio for another 5 minutes and then stretched by the windows overlooking I-96 in Novi.We caught up on things, laughed, joked around, and it all felt so great. We were doing a lap around the track when the announcement came over the P.A.

"In about 5 minutes, we will be closing the men's locker room indefinitely. Please, if you have anything in the locker room, come get it."

"I wonder if this has anything to do with the ambulances," I said. “Maybe it’s the bathrooms,” Andy said. We both shrugged and went to the locker room. I told Andy to just grab his stuff and then we could lift weights. The staff were only letting one person in at a time. I waited for him and studied the faces of the men exiting the locker room and walking out the door.

Andy approached me. His face was white and he appeared shaken. He whispered, "I'm leaving."

"Why? What's going on?" I asked.

"Holly, there is a guy in there…he’s dead…laying on the floor….I have to get out of here.”

I didn't ask anything else. I went and got my stuff and we left promptly. No, the toilets weren't overflowed. No, there wasn't an electrical fire. Someone had died in the locker room of Bally's. Andy told me they had covered his face with a towel, but he was laid out on the floor in front of the lockers. The man’s locker was open and his suit was hanging inside. Andy heard the staff talking, saying they didn't know who the man was, he had no identification on him. The paramedics were saying they had shocked him 15 times but they just couldn't save him.

Andy relayed all of this information to me as we walked to my car. We talked about how sad it was to live your whole life and become unknown, laying in the Bally's locker room. And how horrible for his family, especially around the holidays.We stopped at my car and were about ready to say good-bye when we noticed four men walking in our direction. They were heading for a woman who had just gotten out of the car across from mine.

"Mrs. ---?" She responded, "Yes?"

"Oh my God, Andy," I whispered. It just happened so fast. I could have hopped in my car but I felt frozen. Andy said, "I don't want to see this."

I seriously thought they wouldn't tell her in the parking lot of Bally's but as soon as I the thought entered my mind, her screams of anguish pushed them out. The yells and screams of her pain put my own body into some kind of shock. I couldn't think or move or feel. I desperately whispered to Andy, "Let's go to your car..."

Andy grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the scene. Tears were pushing out of my eyes. The whole way to the car I tried to block out her screams. I thought I was going to puke.We got to the car. I stopped crying and felt numb with shock and then anger. Why Bally's? Why two days before Thanksgiving? Why did they tell her in the parking lot? Why was she all alone?Andy was also in shock. I had never seen him look so sad. He kept apologizing that I had to see all of this, trying to protect me. I told him not to apologize because my life will not forever be changed by this moment, only hers will.

I thought about a lot of things as I drove home from Bally's. I wanted to talk to Ben. I let it ring once and then I hung up. Why open up this wound which is still so fresh for him? After all, HE had a moment like this almost a year ago. I wanted to call Becky. How silly of me again, because two years ago she got the call to come say good-bye to her mother. I called Joey instead.

I tried to shut it out of my mind. Yes, I get to walk away from last night and not have to feel that loss, the ripping away of someone you love so damn much. And I wonder why I got to witness it. This woman will never now I was standing there during the worst moment of her life, but I will forever remember her, maybe not every day, but I'll think of her now and then. I also don't feel lucky. It doesn't want to make me count my blessings because I count them all the time, almost every day. I'm not a fool. I know I'm going to have moments like hers in my life.

Thanksgiving will be ruined for her and her family. As for my family, we celebrate with a somber heart this year. Two seats will be empty and my heart will ache. And I'll think about Ben's dad, Ben, and Stevie...my heart will ache. Sometimes, I feel like I can't wait to be with my heavenly father. He will be the only ONE to take that human ache away. I asked Him for a hug last night, to help me go to sleep. I think it was the first time I ever asked God for a hug. I guess I'll have to wait for it.

Income Alternative

My friend Ryan, a real wild and crazy guy, was laid off in the spring. He finally has a new job by his house and loves it.
Me: So, you really like what you're doing, huh?
Ry: Yup! Love it. But I have this feeling...it isn't going to last.
Me: What do you mean?
Ry: Well...I have this feeling my boss is going to walk in one day and say, "well, thanks for your time everyone but we're going to go ahead and close down."
Me: Seems too good to be real?
Ry: Yeah, something like that...
Me: Well, you've been through it before. You'll get through it again.
Ry: I already have a back up plan.
Me: Wow! Cool, Ryan! Way to be prepared!
Ry: Yup. I'm going to go on the Game Show Circuit.
Me: That seems stable.
Ry: Yeah, I'm going to start with Wheel of Fortune and then move on to The Price Is Right or Millionare.
Me: Ryan, I'm really proud of you for taking charge of your career.
Ry: Thanks, Holl.

United Colonies

This is from my friend who lives in Australia but is a Brit. I'm posting the ones that made me laugh....

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the USA
And thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
Your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
Have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps'
in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
Language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your Vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
An event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
Beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
A vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
Handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
Metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
Though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be
more Aggressive with customers.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
Will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
As "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Donkey
Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Donkey Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank
you for your co-operation.

Virgin Mary and a Grilled Cheese

Kelly sent this to me:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=19270&item=5535890757

Here is the retaliation:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=19270&item=5536051075

I'm really shocked at how much $$ Mary is going for....

Sweet

My step-mom wrote this to me and it made me smile. No, not that I think it is true but just that it was sweet of her to write. It is regarding her visit to the Garrison Keeler show.

Mesmerizing, funny poignant. A man with his symphony - almost 2 1/2
hours. Few people here know who he is- the thirty year olds think that's
ok since he is in his late 50's. I tell them Holly's known his works for
years - loves his tape on the day Buddy died. Of course they say "Buddy
who?" Sometimes I feel good about the job all your parents and
grandparents did in raising you and opening your mind and peaking your
curiosity. I am glad you allowed your mind to be opened. You have no
idea how far ahead of your contemporaries your are. SO a hug for us and a hug to you.

Northern Lights

I forgot to mention I saw the Northern Lights two Sundays ago. Very cool and a little scary. I guess you have to be in the right place at the right time. I saw them as I turned north onto M5 in the suburbs of Detroit (of all places). It looked like someone painted the sky in long, green strokes. I attached an article about it to prove I'm not crazy (about this, anyway).

http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20041109/NEWS01/411090331/1001/news01

Bumper Sticker

I saw this bumper sticker while driving to church on Sunday morning.

Visualize Whirled Peas

It took me a minute. Then, "Ahhhh...(chuckle)." I just knew these people were on their way to Riverview. I was right.

"We tell others our logic for believing in Jesus, which is based on God's Word. But it's also important to tell them what He has done for us personally." Herb Vander Lugt

Weak Conscience

I was talking to this friend of mine who is a new Christian, and he started saying some far out things to me.

Him: I like clothes.
Me: I do, too.
Him: I like to look good, get dressed up.
Me: So do I.
Him: I think it is important to look good in church, wear a suit and tie.
Me: Huh? You lost me.
Him: Well, I mean, it's respectful.
Me: To whom?
Him: To God.
Me: I'm lost again. Do you think God cares about what you wear? Do you think church is a fashion show?
Him: Well, no...but my pastor went to India and all these little kids showed up at the service dressed in their best clothes, without being told. Isn't that awesome?
Me: No. I'm so lost by what you are saying. God only cares about what is in your heart. Jesus didn't get dressed up. He wore sandels! I mean, you're scaring me here. Do you dress up for your bible study? Do you dress up when you are at home praying?
Him: I don't know, I just think it's respectful.
3 3/4 minutes later...
Him: I think you need to find a religion.
Me: What?! What are you talking about?!
Him: I think you need to take a stand or you'll fall for anything.
Me: Apprantly, you have. No, I'm sorry. I think you are confused, though, about a lot of things. I'm not saying I get it all the time, but when I don't get it, or feel like I'm wrong (or right) I go to the bible. I really think you ought to read the bible tonight.
Him: What part?
Me: The whole thing.

I was blown away by this conversation because then this baby Chrisitian went on to tell me I was closing too many doors by refusing to date a non-Christian, that I might be able to bring them to the Lord. Now, I know my views aren't the same as everyone else's views but really, come on. If you are a Christ follower, follow him! Still, I have to remind myself, that this person is adding things to God, which I do, too. Where I get a little confused is if I need to point these things out to him (which I really want to do) or do as Paul says--don't cause him to sin against himself the things he thinks are sins. Don't cause him to stumble but pray God's word will find him. I mean, God's word finds me all the time. It seeks me out and says, "Yo! Holly! You're soooo wrong about this!"

I know, I know....just another day in the life....

Why did You choose me?

My dad and I were driving along. My dad asked, “Did you hear about the woman who accidentally missed a curve and drove into a lake killing herself and three children? Why would God allow such horrible things to happen?”

Suddenly, I got really quiet. It was like everything I’ve learned flew out the window. I stammered through things about free will, accidents and the devil, not really making a lot of sense. My dad totally called me out on it and then said he didn’t believe in Satan. He asked, “Why would God create an opposite of himself?” Again, I was speechless.

I don't know why that is when I get in front of non-believers, or people who challenge me, or people who are only asking me questions....I clam up. I get intimidated. I feel like I don't want to say the wrong thing or what I'm saying sounds crazy.

Why would God pick me?

Sometimes I wonder about this. So many people are so much better in leading, witnessing, helping others...I suck. I know satan is real. I know God gave him free will to turn against him. Coincidently (wink, wink), those were the answers I was given in Route 66 the next day.

I pray I will have the words to answer my father someday. Maybe try to lead him a little more and not feel so blind by my own feelings of inadequacy.

I was watching the Daily Show and laughed out loud...hard.

John Kerry's Concession Speech: And to all the volunteers all across this country who gave so much of themselves. You know, thanks to William Field, a 6-year-old who collected $680 a quarter and a dollar at a time, selling bracelets during the summer to help change America.
Thanks to Michael Benson from Florida, who I spied in a rope line holding a container of money and it turned out he had raided his piggy bank and wanted to contribute.
And thanks to Ilana Wexler, 11 years old, who started Kids for Kerry all across our country.

Jon Stewert: Oh my God...I know why he lost...they aren't old enough to vote....

The clip is much more funny than me trying to retell...

Kids

Today was my first day helping with Riv Kids. I was a little confused because I was a floater and I wasn't sure what that meant. So, I floated...around...and felt stupid...like what am I doing here? I greeted some first time Riv parents and tried to make them feel as comfortable as possible. I met a little boy and his little Cheetah, Patches. Patches, I found out, loves to do everything his owner likes to do...only a little messier. Very interesting. I think the best part about the whole thing, the part I liked the most, was the very idea which had scared me the most--working with a blind girl. I had been briefed on the situation ahead of time, had enough time to panic to Joey, calm down, and then I was thrown into the situation.

See, this little girl isn't exactly blind. She can see things up close. So it threw me off when her grandmother approached me in the singing room and asked if I would sit with her--Kaitlyn doesn't like the noise. This little girl took me by the hand, led me to the toys and said, "will you play with me?" It was so sweet...I couldn't help but love her immediately. We played with the Noah's Arc animals and then she said, "will you read me a book?" She grabbed a book from the shelf and sat down in my lap. I was stunned. She stayed by my side the whole time and I really learned how well she adapts. Better than I do in some situations.

The worst part of today was the fight I had to break up but I wasn't afraid. I felt right at home with Bradley and Lyndsay. I also noticed "the tone" people use to talk to children. It's like this fake nicey nice tone or this fake "I'm really interested in what you're saying" tone. I had to laugh because of course I do it, too, but I realized while driving Miss Lyndsay to Caesarland, I don't really use it on her much.

One funny little sidenote--Lyndsay and her brother were fighting the night before because apparently Brad had "pinky swore" his sister that he would play a Nintendo game with her. When he refused, the tears came pouring out. I walked into the room and told Lyndsay to quit crying. "But...he...pinky swore!"
"Lyndsay, in real life, there is no such thing as a pinky swear. Bradley, let your yes be yes and your no be no. Jesus said it. Look it up. Quit breaking your sister's heart." And then I left the room taking Lyndsay with me.
24 hours later....at Ceasarland
"Aunt Holly, I'll be back in 5 minutes to eat."
"Do you promise?"
"Yes, I pinky...I mean, my yes is yes and I'll be back."
And she was :)

Spartan Saturday

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up early, with a plan. Cornering my nephew in the living room I asked, "what are you doing today?" "Nothing," was the reply. "Want to go down to the river and tailgate with Poppy? It won't be anything big, just some sandwiches he made, a few games of catch, and a little bit of the band...." "Sure!" Then, the big test was getting by my niece. She was fine with letting us go after I promised we would hang out on Sunday.

Before Bradley and I left, I found myself feeling the part of the cool aunt. "Have you ever driven a car?" I asked him. He said Grandpa Dean had let him steer once. Sooo, I let him drive my car down to the circle and back. Not unsupervised, of course. We practiced first, talked about how the brake was our best friend. We don't need to punch our best friend when we want it to stop, we only need to gently tell our best friend to stop. We fastened our seatbelts and put the car in drive.

Bradley was thrilled. He kept saying things like, "no way" "this is so awesome" "wow." When I told him to slowly stopped, he punched his best friend and we jerked forward due to that whole inertia thing. I smiled, knowing it was his first time and he was a little over excited. I had to help him steer around the circle and took a lot of breaks. We finally made it to his driveway, though I took over from there. As we were trading spots, Jase's mom, (Jase being a friend of Bradley's) drove by. "Did you see the look on her face?!" Bradley boasted. Ah, yes. Letting my nephew drive illegally felt like a finer moment in my life.

I drove down to the stadium and we listened to G Love the whole way there. We made it down to the tree where my dad was talking to a can man. Now, people have mistaken my father for being homeless because...he kind of looks homeless sometimes, so at first I wasn't sure if the guy was telling my dad about a certain shelter he should look into or waiting for my pops to finish off his Molson. After the guy left, with a couple of empty cans, we sat down to eat. We played catch for awhile, my dad re-teaching me how to throw properly. Then, dad and Bradley got into a sword fight with twigs, each man having to one up the other with how big their "twig" was, my dad finally trying to take the tree out and fight with it. All of this and the "my twig is bigger than yours" jokes were actually quite funny but I had to throw in my stern "BOYS. That's enough" a couple of times.

After the band went through, Bradley and I went back to the car and father went into the game. The next high point of the afternoon, after letting my 12-year-old nephew illegally drive, was taking him to Champions, a bar. I had a beer, he had some water, and we were good. We watched the game and played trivia, beating out all the other two players in the bar. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves. We got smoked out and went back to my sister's in time to see State lose. My niece said, "um, aunt Holly, the guys in the white just scored again..." I came rushing out of the bathroom, my heart falling. "Oh, just wonderful."

That night, we went to the Olive Garden for Jeff's birthday...the whole family (almost). Jeff's sister and brother, my sister, the kids, my dad, stepdad, mom, and Joey. It was a lot of fun and great dinner conversation. "So, how drunk did YOU get on your 21st?" At the end of the meal, everyone's tummies were full and we all felt our sides ache from laughing. We got up and started pushing our chairs in to leave. That was when I noticed my father, the slowest eater ever, still taking baby bites of his salad. "Wait! Dad isn't finished." Everyone looked at my father. "That's right....so SIT DOWN!" my father uncharacteristically said. And everyone did. It was pretty funny.

To make this blog longer, I'll discuss what happened when I got home. Bradley and I went through some old photos and laughed ourselves silly at them. I really have a good time with the kid.

I was reading this the other day by Julie Link, a writer for Our Daily Bread:
Christians are to go beyond mere submission to governing authorities and follow the guidelines given in the Bible. In writing to Titus, Paul said we should also be peaceable and considerate, and we should do good without slandering anyone (3:1-2).

Paul stresses the importance of doing good: loving what is good (1:8), teaching what is good (2:3), doing what is good (2:7, 14; 3:1-2, 8, 14). Paul's letter is a timely reminder that as Christians we are to do what is good for people, regardless of whether we approve of their values and agree with their policies.

I was prepared to work, be a Christian, live my life pretty much the same had I woken up yesterday to John Kerry as my new president. I was prepared to do the same for George Bush. I am seeing SO much backlash about this election, though. Perhaps more than the 2000 debacle because it was dragged out for so long, people quit caring. This election was actually over in 28 hours or so. Kind of quick. I think the best part about all of this for me is nothing really changes. I think if we had a new president, my little life still wouldn't change. It only changes when things around me change or I change it. I know in other countries, people base their freedom on who is in charge. I still wake up the same.

Now, here is what is upsetting me a little. People are backlashing against Christian Fundamentalists. I was listening to a Detroit radio talk show (Dominski and Doyle) and every call was full of hate towards Christians. I'm not totally surprised but wow--people might hate Christianity even more. And am I considered a Christian Fundamentalist? I don't think I consider myself one so much but is that only because of the baggage that comes with that term? Do people view me as one? Am I Mandy Moore's character from Saved!???

Where do I draw my line in the sand. I don't want to push people away from Christ by being dogmatic about my beliefs but at the same time, should I vote based on my beliefs? I'm called to love what is good, teach what is good, and do what is good...was I supposed to vote no for Proposal 2? Even if I personally don't agree with Proposal 2? I could not make up my mind if proposal 2 was good or bad but I knew I personally don't agree...and now it is pushing people away from Christianity. I don't think there will ever be peace on this earth. I don't know that I want to be a people pleaser but I don't want to push people away either.

I'm sure my thoughts here were incomplete and choppy but I must go make a living now, in the same world I lived in last week...

Just one more...

http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/6019
Couldn't resist.

Election Day 2004

It's over! Well, for me it is. I voted this morning and that makes my third presidential election I was able to vote in.
1996--voted for Clinton by absentee
2000--voted for Gore but don't really remember the where or how
2004--voted for * at the Walled Lake Fire Station--ha! Still not telling...

My roommate and I did not vote together because she still hasn't changed her address from Wixom. We did get up early to vote, listened to Stars & Stripes, Washington Post, and other patriotic songs, then I took her picture as she left the condo to vote for the first time in her life. Very exciting. Unfortunately, she had a long line to wait in. I did not. I was pulling into work by the time she was finished. Oh, and she didn't even get a sticker. Bummer. I did get a sticker and rewarded myself by purchasing a hashbrown and yogurt parfait from McDonald's. Yes, I still give myself treats.

The 1996 election was a memorable one for me. I was in my junior year at CMU and the VP of the University Democrats. I was also involved with the student radio station and volunteered to broadcast from the Democratic headquarters in Isabella County. I interviewed candidates and called in returns as they appeared on TV. It was pretty cool and I think I still have it on tape somewhere.

Tonight will be different. I'll be sitting on the couch, drinking some red wine, and watching TV with my slippers on. Let some other fired up college student stay up all night, partying, excited, having no clue what they are doing, but feeling like they made a difference somehow.

Underdogs and Hype

Yes, I'm a Spartan. Yes, yesterday was painful. But we must have hope and carry on....

I watched the game with a split crowd which is always fun.

I had a little spot on my State shirt so I covered it up with a pin my pops gave me. This isn't just any pin, though. It is an authentic 1960 Kennedy-Johnson pin. People were looking at me funny. "Who are you supporting in the election?" "Why, Kennedy and Johnson, of course." "Ummm....(confused)...okay."

I'm going to miss all the presidential hype when it's gone.

Just kidding. Soon enough, we'll be doing it all over again with two new grand candidates.

Awesome

Soooo....I called my sweet, little nephew last night and the conversation started like this.
"Hi, who is this?"
"Brad"
"Are you on the other line?"
"Yes."
"With who?"
"Why does it matter?"
"Because...(thinking)...I'm your aunt and I want to know."
"A friend."
"A girl type friend or a boy type friend?"
"Girl...but why does it matter?"
"Because...(thinking)...I wouldn't care if it were a boy."
"Ohhhh, I see."
This is the part where I realized how much my nephew has grown up.
"Bradley, do you have a minute to talk to me?"
"Sure!"
"Ummm...well...I know you do a lot for Boy Scout and stuff..."
"Uh-huh..."
"Well...how would you like to help me out on Thanksgiving because I'm going to serve meals down at the rescue mission in Lansing and I just thought we could do this together, you and I but you can think about it, you don't have to answer me...."
"Sure!"
"Wait, you don't have to tell me yes or give me an answer now..."
"Sounds awesome!"
"Are you sure? I mean, I just thought we would go for a couple of hours... I mean, what's a couple of hours and what do we really do on Thanksgiving? Sit around, eat, sleep...nothing. Sooo, if we go for awhile..."
"Wait, for how long?"
"Maybe from noon until 2 or 3 and then we can go eat our Thanksgiving dinner."
"Oh. Awesome! I mean, like you said, we'll just be sitting around anyway. Let's help."

I was stunned, proud, and happy because this little boy who isn't so little anymore, wants to help out. I love this kid. Sometimes, yeah, we get on each other's nerves but I do love him. He has come a long way from being spoiled (yes, I'm part of the guilty party) and he has a long way to go but his intentions are usually good. He is starting to realize the world does not center around him and for this, I'm grateful. Sometimes it's difficult watching someone grow up but in this case, the older he gets, the more fun we have.

Riverview Snob

I went to a different church on Sunday because I stayed the entire weekend in Walled Lake (huge deal for me). I met a couple in July who attend this church and had wanted to check it out. The coincidence is that the church is Ridgewood, a church planted by former members of Riverview.

Ridgewood holds the service in a nice community center. When I entered, I noticed people get a little bit more dressed up then at Riverview--not as many jeans. I noted the use of Macs, the coffee brewing, and they handouts for the message. Ahhhhh...just like home. But just before I sat down, a stocky, older man suddenly appeared. He welcomed me and introduced himself as Jeff Moore. "Ohhhh," I said. "my name is Holly and I usually attend Riverview." He was really excited and asked how things were going there. It felt good to have that common bond with someone I didn't know but had heard about.

After we finished talking, I sat down. A woman approached me with this permanent looking smile on her face. Warmly, she welcomed me and asked my name. I gave mine, went into the story of how I was named (she asked) and we laughed. Then she said her name was Noelle Carole. Hmmmm...born on Christmas? Yes, 5:05 a.m. More laughs. Then the music started and I was surprised. No lead male singer. No lead acoustic guitar. Just a bass, electric guitar, drums, keyboards and four female singers. Now, I wasn't exactly sitting in judgment but I tend to have an ear for these things from when I managed the Cameltoens. Politely--they needed more practice but they were still good, playing from the heart. I missed seeing Paul and Dan in the lead, though. I also missed the whole Riverview band--the 800 members whose names I don't even know but I'm used to. I quickly swallowed these thoughts, died to these thoughts and jumped into the message.

Jeff is so awesome. He really cracked me up. He wore a shirt and tie (can't wait to see my pastors in a shirt and tie) and followed the handout exactly. I noticed something else interesting. He wasn't exactly just teaching to a crowd. He spoke directly to people and they spoke directly back. It was almost like a conversation. I've always been amazed at how Riverview tries to still keep that level of intimacy with the sheep by calling on people by name, etc. I think Riverview does a good job of this, knowing a lot of the 1 million who go there. This church had the perfect environment for it. I liked it.

After the message, we sang again, a couple of songs I didn't know. This one woman singing on stage was just going to town in her dance moves and singing. You could tell she was really in love with Jesus. She was also the lead lady I guess because she was the one who led prayers. Her prayers were awesome. They were direct and hit the nail right on the head. She didn't do a lot of repeating and didn't use the normal "justs" "God" and "Lord" over and over. Example: God, I just want to ask you to just help us, Lord. Help us in living in this world, God and help us to just, connect with you, Lord.

Anyhow, she was really good. After the singing, Jeff talked about the small groups they had been breaking up into and that every member had an appointment to meet with their gift counselor to look at what spiritual gifts they possessed or areas they needed help. I thought that was pretty cool, too. After the service, I met Ron Windmiller and we spoke for awhile. He wanted to know if I thought I would ever come back. Definitely! But I explained how I couldn't really rip myself from Riverview. He laughed and said he completely understood.

Driving away, I thought about my church. I really missed it. I never, ever, ever thought I could feel this way about church: the people, the atmosphere, the music, the coffee I don't drink, the messages, and even my pastors. It all gets me to God and propels me through the week. Ahhhh....home.

Signs

I watched Signs last night with Krissie. She spent the whole time freaking out about the aliens. I spent the whole time thinking about how the movie wasn't about aliens at all.

The first time I saw it, really freaked me out. I saw it with the boys at the Star Southfield. Chris Buatti screamed like a baby when the alien walks into the ally so naturally, I have to laugh at that part now. There was also this woman who talked to the screen the entire time. "No you didn't!" "Don't you go in there!" "You best be gettin in the basement!" Slightly annoying but still funny. I think I just watched the movie as a film student. Critiquing it, ripping it apart, noting the balance of each shot and the likeness to Hitchcock. But it has become a whole new movie to me now, one of my favorites.

It is not about aliens. It is about our struggle with faith, with a God we never see, with a God who we don't always view as just. The first time I really thought about the movie differently was the second time I ever went to Riverview. I actually have a name for the second time I ever went to Riverview: the closing deal. I walked in the first time and was like, oh okay. Whatever. But the second time, this crazy guy came walking out with an Apple computer of all things. He talked about Christian faith, showed a clip from Signs, and had me tearing up to Johnny Cash's Hurt. What a cool church. The clip from Signs really made me think about how I view life, coincidence or fate?

Can it be some of both? I was humming a song from like 1994 the other day. I hopped in my car and hit scan....the song was on. Coincidence or God trying to make me smile and laugh with Him? Does God really have time for little inside jokes with me? I might be wrong but I think he does.

The end of the movie is the best. It really shows in a compressed sort of way, how we are given clues throughout our lives, how we are not alone. The little times we share with God, big times we share with God. It makes me just love Him so much. Signs is definitely a vehicle to get me to God. He is for us, He is with us.

I just want to say...

I luv my Dell. She has been very good to me. She will be even better to me when we get those $200 wireless speakers....

Squares

I went square dancing Friday night. Somehow, I missed out on this wonderful American pastime. We laughed, hysterically, all night long. This feeling kept coming over me, though. It was such an intense, yet peaceful, fun feeling. It was my grandparents.

My grandpa and grandma Beavers used to square dance ALL the time. My grandfather loved it. I even aquired his square dancing certificate and my grandmother's square dancing dress. I have seen the pictures of them, standing there smiling in their gear. I have the newspaper articles grandpa cut out, one was a picture of them in the massive crowd, twirling away. I thought about all this while I danced my little heart away. The feeling they must have had for the dancing, the amusement, each other...it filled me up almost to the point of tears. It was almost like being out on the golf course they built, surrounded my them, their dreams.

I made a decision to have a round of square dancing at my wedding reception someday. I do not care what anyone else thinks or says about it. Ed and Arlene will be honored with the dance and I want nothing more than to share a dance with my grandparents.

When people die, things get ugly...

I've noticed how manners quickly fly out the window when a loved one dies. I wonder why this is. I'm sure it is something simple but I don't understand it. I will try to explain what I mean.

My uncle and I had a conversation at the hospital a week before his mother died.
Me: I heard anyone can speak at Grandma's funeral.
Uncle: Yes.
Me: I would like to speak.
Uncle: Your name did come up as a speaker but really, Holly, I don't think you can do it.
Me: Ummmm (feelings getting hurt)....why not?
Uncle: (kind of an abrasive person): I think you would be too emotional.
Me: Well, I don't think you know me very well.
Uncle: That's true but I just don't think you are up to it (case closed).
Me: I sat with this woman until 3 am Friday night and 1 am last night. I'm up to it and I'm going to do it (case never closed).
Uncle: okay...if you think you can...but the pastor will need a copy of what you wrote in case you can't finish.
Me: (knowing I'm not giving the pastor anything before hand) Sure, whatever. Thank you for the opportunity (smile).

Now, my point is we have two people with two different agendas. Both of us wanted our way. I wasn't going to give in and this almost caused a problem. I couldn't see it at the time, however. Things got a little worse after Grandma died. The day before her viewing, I felt push back from several relatives wanting to know what I was going to say. It made me question whether I was doing the right thing or not. I almost backed out but I already had the thing written. I was going to go for it.

After I was finished, my uncle came to me and said, "wow, Holly. I'm impressed. I'm really impressed." "Thanks but really, I was inspired."

My point to this whole dumb post is that now Jeff's mom is dead and there are hurt feelings all over the place. Everyone has a different agenda about the funeral. Some don't want a big deal, some want the speeches, the videos, the photos, the church, the whole sha-bang. I wish everyone could win in these situations but people don't always get nicer in their grief. I guess the one good thing is the person who left it all behind. They don't have to stick around to see the hurt feelings and bitchiness. Its sad. Really sad.

I think the same can be said for weddings, too.

Ooooo...

From Snopes.com:

Many of the signs and billboards in the Orlando area were no match for Hurricane Charley. However, one billboard resisted the 100-mile per hour winds of the eye wall of the storm. While the billboard still stands, the advertisement that was there when Hurricane Charley hit was peeled back to reveal an earlier message. When the sun rose the next morning on Sand Lake Road in Orlando the words on the billboard clearly read:
WE NEED TO TALK
GOD.

Stuff

"But now times are rough and I've got too much stuff, Can't explain the likes of me..." ~Jimmy Buffett One Particular Harbor

Yes, I have way too much stuff. My roommate and I have a plan to reduce the amount of stuff we have by 25%. Of course, as soon as that stuff is gone, new stuff will most likely be bought. There is the big sale at the Limited this week...

How odd...

DSmit (Krissie's brother): G-d Damn It! The bed frame doesn't fit through the door.
Papa Smith (Krissie's dad; atheist): I have told you time and time again, don't swear.
Me: Wow...so...saying GD offends you? Even though you don't believe in Him?
Papa Smith: That's kind of weird isn't it...but swearing is swearing and only ignorant people swear because they can't think of a better word to use.
Me: Oh...now it makes so much sense.
(23 minutes later....)
Papa Smith: G-d Damn It!
Me: (Gasp) What did you just say???
Papa Smith (smiling): Nothing dear. Just dropped something on my toe is all.
Me: Is it broken?
Papa Smith: Don't think so.
Me: Thank GOD!
Papa Smith laughs.

My Sweet Lord

I'm sitting in Mr. Pita listening to My Sweet Lord by George Harrison...waiting for a co-worker or two to pass by and look at me funny...wondering if I care...wondering if I care about work at all. I feel a push, I've felt it for awhile now. Should I still be at Valassis? Should I still be in the Detroit area? I like it here but less and less. I look forward to going to Lansing every weekend. I dread going back to D-town on Sunday night. Still, I'm not going to make a move, yet. I'm going to stay put for at least a year or two, though in a year or two I plan on moving slightly closer...Kensington area, maybe. A place of my own maybe?

Dunno....

Memorial

My grandmother is gone. I'm not even sure where she, either. I really believed she was in heaven but now, I think maybe she doesn't go to heaven until we all go to heaven. I'm a little mixed up but will bring it up in my bible study tomorrow.

I read the following at her funeral:
"I knew my grandmother for only 28 and a half years—a small fraction of her life. After all, she was 65 when I was born. I think about all the years she lived and admit I can’t quite grasp it. I’ve been looking at old photos of Grandma and what I see is a young woman, younger than I am, married, standing with her first born and her fine-looking husband. She had her whole life ahead of her and most of us weren’t even a thought in her mind. She was a foxy young thing and loved to date. We all know the story about when she was dating one guy but another showed up to take her out. Emma stalled the guy at the door so Grandma could sneak out of the window to meet up with the other dude.

Of course, all of that was over the night she and her parents went to a dance. As the band played, she caught the eye of a certain saxophone player. She knew then he would be the one she wanted to spend her life with. And boom, we all entered the picture.

I remember the visits to the trailer. A few memories from when I was little and stayed with her were:
the little boxes of cereal
Hill-billy Bread
Bluebird OJ out of the little can
the lava lamp
her photo albums
riding in circles for hours with my tri-cycle in her garage
Cory and I playing with the doll clothes Grandma made us
Chipper
Going to the depot for Superman ice cream
And the giant picture of Jesus watching the United Nations building
I remember the way she would worry too much. If I went a hair too close to the road, if I drove a golf cart, if there was a strange car up at the clubhouse. Sometimes she freaked out.
But I also recall her our on her front porch, always waving good-bye to people as they drove away.

My view of grandma changed when I started working at the clubhouse in 1994. There was a different side to her, a saucy side. Yes, still a worrier but we began teasing each other. We would trade little witty remarks back and forth, she always outwitting me. I began to have fun with the lady.

The best thing for Grandma was moving to the Marquette. She didn’t seem to worry as much which allowed her to be more playful. She loved to pick on me with that big smile. I would say, “If you don’t be nice to me, I’m going to leave.” “You promise?” she would say. Sometimes when I would go to see her, I would knock on the door. Silence on the other side and then….a knock back. So I would knock again….silence….and then a knock back. Grandma, let me in!

She was worried about me, though. When are you going to get married? Who are you going to marry? I would tell her, you just want another party to go to, someplace you can dance. Again, that big smile would appear. Maybe you should get yourself a saxophone player like I did. A funny thing I noticed about Grandma was she would always ask you to repeat yourself and I know sometimes it was because she wanted to hear the joke or the compliment twice. She loved to flirt. I enjoyed my visits to the Marquette. We would visit for awhile, she would beg me to stay longer, give me a long hug and then wave to me from her window as I drove away.

I really envied her. She had so much fun in her last season of life. So much fun, she just kept extending that season over and over. She learned how to use the computer, how to e-mail, and how to IM people at 12:30 in the morning. She loved Bingo, cards… men. Yes, she found love, a couple times, and got herself a few boyfriends. But besides harassing Grandma, I loved to dance with grandma. I danced with her all night at Kami’s wedding and she was the last one on the dance floor at Cory’s. Couldn’t get her to go to bed. She didn’t dance much at Greg’s reception but I tried to get as many in as I could. Because as much as Grandma and I looked forward to the day when she could dance with me at my wedding, I feel like we both kind of knew it wasn’t going to happen.

A couple of Sundays ago, I went to see Grandma at Ingham Medical. “How you doing, Grandma?” “Fair,” was usually the reply but this time I got “tired.” She always teased me about my living arrangements. According to her I “move too much”. But now I had my chance to tease her. “Grandma, you keep moving on me! First Lansing General, then Sparrow, now here. Are you trying to lose me?” She smiled that big smile of hers, “Is it working?” Then, we discussed how our relationship had changed over the years. “You were kind of strict and mean, Grandma,” I teased her. She smiled, “Was I?” “Oh yeah, I like you a lot better now.” “You, too” she teased.

Looking at pictures and thinking back to this past year…yeah…it is hard for me to believe she is really gone. But don’t cry for her. Cry for the loss but not for her because I’ll admit, it is sad to see her go. I miss her a great deal and feel a void in my life. But she in experiencing the coolest thing ever. She gets to hang out with Jesus and God which is pretty awesome. So do not cry for her. Cry for your loss, but not for her.

I will honor my grandmother. I will share her with my children. I will show them that picture of her when she was twenty-something, having no idea where her life was going to take her. But I will also show them a picture of her when she was 92, so full of life and still living it as if she were 22. After all, when I asked her how old she was after her last birthday, she said, 29. I said, what are you dyslexic or something. She just smiled and said, well next year, I’ll be 39, and then 49, and then 59…she loved every age she lived. I ask that we all do this because it’s scary. It is difficult to embrace each season of life. I am also asking all of us to hold on to each other, after this day and not to drift apart. Our matriarch is gone but I beg all of us to get together as often as we can even if once or twice a year. Cherish each other as she cherished each one of us.

As for Grandma, it is safe to say she has gone home now. She is full of life again and she is sitting at a table in the biggest dance hall she has ever seen. The music is beginning to play, her feet are tapping in time, her eyes are wide and that big grin is on her face. Just as she gets to her feet, a certain saxophone player catches her eye. She smiles that big smile to him. Then she begins to say hello to all the people she had to say good-bye to so long ago, all of the people she once mourned will surround her in love. And we will get our chance someday when it is our turn to say hello to her again."

I feel like I kind of lied a little...about her being in heaven and all. It may not be a big deal to most but to me it is a huge deal. I need to get this somewhat figured out.

After the funeral, my three cousins, my uncle, Joey, my dad and my step-mom went out to the golf course. It was so much fun being out there, trying to soak up all that my grandparents built (and some I actually built!).

Ashes

Sunday afternoon--
Mom: I'm leaving for Alaska tomorrow at 5am.
Me: Yes, I know.
Mom: I know you don't want to talk about this right now but...
Me: What is it, mom (sounding slightly annoyed)?
Mom: well...if anything happens to me....
Me: ...yeah...?
Mom: Make sure the church (First Presbyterian) get these palm ashes in this tin for Palm Sunday.
Me: Are you kidding?
Mom: No...but there is more...
Me: What?
Mom: Make sure you take the bag of palm reeds to the church so they can be burned, too.
Me: So, this could potentially be our last conversation and it comes down to this...palms and ashes.
Mom: (in her cute way) Wellllll....I want to make sure they get them.
Me: Okay, Mom, when I hear you were eaten by a rabid penguin, I'll rush to your house, pass by the gazillion things in it, ignore the messages from the church demanding their palm ashes, and just drive this stuff over there. I can handle it.
Mom: Thank you.

Marriage

Sunday after church:
Lyndsay: Is God married?
Me: I don't think so.
L: But he has a son.
Me: But who is his son's mama?
L: Ummmm....Mary...but she was already married.
Me: Right so I don't think God is married.
L: But how do you know?
Me: I've never heard of him being married. Never read anything in the Bible about it.
L: Well, maybe he wants to keep his private life private.
Me: Maybe. I guess we'll find out someday. Could you imagine being married to God, though? You'd never have a fight!
L: You're confusing me now. Is he or isn't he married?
Me: Ask your Sunday School teacher.

Dying

It's weird waiting for someone to die. Half of you wants it to hurry up , the other half wants it to not happen. I know my grandmother is going to die. The doctor thinks it will be this week...the next few days. A total waiting game. Grandma has stumped us before but her organs are shutting down....slooooooowly. I watch her sleep, a deep sleep sometimes. Her breathing is shallow and she looks peaceful. Other times, she is snoring loudly and has a cross look on her face. She doesn't respond much, although you can tell when she is more awake than not. I see so many things when I look at her. I see a woman who was once my age, young, pretty, thin, funny...it scares me. I wonder how I will die sometimes. Will I live to be as old as she...do I want to? To be completely reliant on another person is a scary thought. Peeing, pooping, eating, swallowing...all of these become too hard so you either quit or do it at free will. My question: who will take care of me? Right now, Grandma is at my cousin Mike's in Michigan Center. Mike brought her here to care for her in her final days. My aunts are here helping and there is a nurse and doctor who come to check on Gram. The coolest part is that she isn't in a nursing home waiting to die. She will die surrounded by the people who care for her, in a loving home. I don't want to be a burden by any means but I truly wish for this as well.

Judgment Day

I fall short all the time. I want to please God and do what He has spelled out for me to. I've also changed my lifestyle a bit in order to give God glory as I become known to my friends and family as a Christian. I was thinking though...the things I gave up, was it right to do so? Am I trying to be a fundamentalist Christian? I decided that though at times I have been guilty of judging others and feeling self-righteous, the things I gave up were sins that were hurting me. No, it wasn't chocolate. I didn't give up beer. I will continue to shop for shoes. The things I gave up were not sacrifices to God. I just knew He was right. It isn't good to get wasted. It isn't good to get so close to someone other than the man I'm going to marry. I should never judge someone else because I fall short. I ask God to forgive me all the time. I am not above His grace.

After God forgives me, he erases it. My sin never happened in His eyes, right? So what is judgment Day? I will stand before God and give Him an account (Romans 14:10b). Ummmm....I'm slightly confused. If I'm forgiven, what will I stand in judgment of? All the things I forgot to ask forgiveness for (like how I just ended the last two sentences in prepositions--my father would have a fit and a half)? Will He be judging my heart to see if I truly accept Jesus as my savior? Hmmmm.....

This Season

This season of my life is happy. However, I the next season, a darker season, is just around the corner. I do believe the darkness will have flecks of light poking through.

See, my grandma Beavers is sick. Actually, she isn't sick. She is old and her body is failing her. No one knows how long she'll live. They are moving her to a nursing home in St. John's. I wish it wasn't so far away but I'm going to visit as much as I can. I want to make her as happy and as comfortable as possible before her final season is over. Yes, I called Pastor Brooks. I haven't heard if he visited her or not but he said he would. My aunt was thankful I took the initiative but called the pastor of the church my grandma belongs to. So, poor gram may have gotten two friendly visits--a sure sign to her she's on her way out! It would be so like my grandma to defy us all and live another 10 years. I hope she does.

I love her to no end. She is the cutest, funniest, wittiest grandma I know. She used to call Joey "Joker" because we said his name too fast (Joe Corr). She flirts with everyone, too. Pretends she doesn't hear you when you give her a compliment so she can hear it twice. Her smile, her laugh even when she doesn't have her teeth in makes me smile, too. She loves to dance and I did get to dance with her at my cousin's wedding in April. She loves a good party, too. Always the last one up. On the 4th of July, she sat at the window intently watching the lake and fireworks with a smile on her face. It was 10:00 at night! She loves Lucy. I asked her if she thought it might be on tv when I saw her last Sunday. She got SO excited. "Do you think Lucy's on? Really?!" She loves to play Bingo and prides herself in all of her winnings. The best part is she learned how to use a computer and it was normal to get an instant message from her at 11:00 p.m. I need to miss her when she gone, though and enjoy her while she is still here.

Jeff's mom is in her 'final days', which could be a month for all I know. It is so sad, all of these funerals, all of this death in the air. Why would I be in a happy season?

I think I'm actually having a real relationship with God. It is the craziest thing in the world. I feel Him at night, in the morning, not so much at work but occasionally. A book I'm reading is helping me realize He isn't a distant uncle, He isn't the parent of the cool kids, He's so real to me. I hope this love affair lasts forever because yes, for the first time I feel like I'm falling in love all over again. You're cool, God. Really awesome.

Passing By

Sometimes, God is persistent, brow-beating something into your head. Don't get me wrong. I don't think God is annoying. I wonder at Him all the time. This is what He is beating into my head right now: who am I passing by?

It started when I went to church by myself. Noel taught about the Samaritan woman (again but I always learn something new). Noel asked:
Where was the Samaritan woman going?
Answer: to the well
Where was she coming from?
Answer: the city
Where were the disciples going?
Answer: to the city
Where were they coming from?
Answer: the well
Conclusion: the disciples passed the woman and didn't give her a second thought. Is there anyone you are passing by?

The next day I went to the Presbyterian Church. Pastor Brooks spoke about bringing friends and loved ones to Christ by being persistent. Not annoying, but persistent.

Then, I was reading my Daily Bread thingy and for September 1st, it said, "we too must seek the lost, as Jesus did--and it doesn't take much effort. It's good to ask ourselves from time to time "how many friends do I have who are lost?"

Soooo....how many friends do I have who are lost? Who have I been passing by? Who could I take by the hand and lead to Jesus?

For the rest of my life I can ask these questions but I think right now there is a person Jesus wants me to reach out to: My 93-year-old grandma.

We often talk about reaching out to the young. My church targets the young because as a study says, there are more funerals than weddings in churches. But my grandma is nearing the end of her life. She has congestive heart failure. She is depressed. She is sharper than I am at times and just yesterday recounted a time her daughter went on a date and another time when my cousin Greg didn't pick his toys up before leaving her house. I do see her get confused and mixed up at times but she is the biggest joker. The nurse asks her name, my grandma says George Burns. But like I said, she is lonely and depressed. She became frustrated trying to open her milk and said, "I'm just so tired. Sometimes I want to give up but I don't want to leave my family."

Something struck me. Is she scared? She told me how much she missed my grandfather who died in 1977. She said she HOPED to see him in heaven. I asked her what she thought heaven was and she said she just wasn't sure. She hoped there was a heaven and she hoped grandpa was there. Hope? Well, yes, hope is good. God gave us hope. But what about her faith? All of this made me wonder: am I passing my grandma by?

I asked her if she had spoken to a minister or pastor recently and she said no. She hadn't been to
church in four years and the Laingsburg Methodist church had a new minister. I'm going to see if Pastor Brooks was available. My gut is to go with Pastor Brooks. He is the closest thing to a Methodist minister and I think she would be soothed by him. I know I couldn't send Noel in there. It would scare the crap out of my grandma.

I have to do something and fast because I feel like I'm so focused on the young people in my life, I'm passing the slower one, the oldest one, on my way to the city.

Duped

I was duped. That's right. I was tricked into supporting something I normally wouldn't support...but it's okay.

I work with this woman who is the nicest person. She is honest and straightforward, always helpful. This woman is also a hard worker. She works long hours and has been promoted to a supervisor so she has an even more difficult position now. This woman also has a little two-year-old daughter in daycare.

This shouldn't bug me, right? I mean, this woman is living out the feminist movement! She is climbing the corporate ladder! She is more than dedicated to her job! But I think about that little girl. I guess what bugs me the most is the day I worked late (occasionally, I do) and the little girl came walking in with her father to visit mommy. She was carrying a happy meal and the woman saw me and stopped to ask a question. The little girl desperately said, "Come on, mommy. Let's eat!" The woman smiled, asked her husband to take the little girl to her office, and continued to talk to me. She explained, "my daughter insisted on having dinner with me tonight." My heart ached and my lip bled I was biting it so hard.

I have no place to judge this woman. I don't know the reasons and it shouldn't even be my concern. People could say to me, "you don't have children. You don't know what you would do." Um, yes, I do.

I was brought up in daycare. My mom was a single mom and I know she did the best she could having an infant and dealing with divorce. I was placed with several babysitters and the ones I remember...not very fond of them. One took Blankie from me as a punishment. My mom was so ticked she yelled at the lady not to do it again. I don't think the lady liked me much after. Still, I remember waiting for my mom to come home when she worked late on Wednesdays. I can feel the lump rising in my throat now. I would sit at the back door and just wait for her, longing for her, not wanting to be without her.

So how did I get duped? I bought cookie dough. I knew the money was going to Helping Hands which I thought was some sort of philanthropy. When I handed in my check, I found out it was the little girl's daycare...It was going toward new toys. This lady thought it was so wonderful but then confided in me that she was glad she only paid $170 every week instead of the $200 most people pay. I felt sick, so I just smiled and turned away.

My kids will not be in daycare. Yes, I went to college. Yes, I like my job. But if God blesses me with children, I want to be with them until they are old enough to be on their own.

Helpless

"I believe the old cliche, "God helps those who help themselves," is not only misleading but often dead wrong. My most spectacular answers to prayers have come when I was so helpless, so out of control as to be able to do nothing at all for myself."



-Catherine Marshall

The End

I'm sitting in Mr. Pita by myself blogging to myself. Actually, I know I have one reader but this was meant to be a private blog. Oh well. Like I said, eating alone, blogging alone. It doesn't bother me at all. I know Mar would flip out. Krissie gets it, though. We were both raised...alone. She with her dad and me with my mom. Sometimes, I would seek to be by myself when everyone else wanted to go out to do something. Krissie sometimes goes to movies or restaurants by herself. Not a big deal. But sometimes...man...sometimes its all I can do to remind myself I'm not alone. Especially when something is ending.

I have felt the pain of something ending before...oh so many times. This is killing. I find myself feeling sorry for me. I'm 28-years-old! I don't want to go through this anymore!! God, Hello? What's the plan, my man? I've been quite ticked at the big guy lately. I remember when my pastor said he was so angry at God he decked a tree. Have you ever called
God a bad name? I lost it the other night and called God a really bad name. I'm ashamed to write it. I was just so angry.

I wonder what my new life will be like. My single life. Yes, I'm actually going to have one if it kills me (it is) but I need to sort through things. I need to not bounce from relationship to relationship. Still, I've kicked my bestest friend in the whole world out of my life. I felt I had to. Nothing felt right. Now it does BUT I feel that weird alone feeling. Will I be alone forever? Will I be alone on the weekends? Will I be alone for the holidays? Will I be alone driving in my car playing every single sad song I can find in my CD collection? I feel such a pain when I think about Mason, teachers, kitties that put their face in yours as if you were their mom, puppies that look at you with those sad eyes until you give them a treat, the parents that I laughed and joked with, the church....

I have to get through this and I will. It just really sucks right now even if I put my good face on. Kate told me to be careful. She said this was when I would be at my weakest and it was an excellent opportunity for the devil to strike. So I tried to tell God it was really the devil calling him an f-er, not me. Then I told him it really was me and I was just so sorry. I love Him so much but darn it all to bits, I want to fall madly in love with the right guy. I've found the right guy but didn't have the madly I needed. I found the wrong guy but did have the madly. I need, want, and deserve both....don't I? Don't answer that.

So sick....so wrong

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/South/08/30/man.decapitated.ap/index.html

Wow. For all we hear about drunk driving it just doesn't stop. People think they can do things better after a few thousand drinks. The thing is, I've been there and I'll admit it. I'm so lucky, too. So was everyone on the road with me. What makes us all think we can take chances like that? To be so risky? I know how hokey it sounds but you can't help wonder about the whole plan. I mean, I'm out all the time, sometimes late at night. Why did those kids have to get hit on their way to eat pizza? Why couldn't the drunk dude hit a tree? What also confuses me is how everyone hates him so much. I've read things about people wanting to kill him. As a Christian, should I want to hate him? Should I want to kill him? I wonder what HIS life is like. I wonder how he is handling what happened. I wonder....does God love him, too?

My mom was hit by a drunk driver when she was pregnant with me. The police had to restrain her from going after him, screaming, "you could have killed my baby!" She was pretty upset. My mom also tried to save a police officer in the mid-80s. She was on her way home on Lansing road when two women flagged her down. My mom noticed the police car as she approached the women and they were screaming hysterically. The police officer had pulled over to change their tire. He had been hit by a drunk driver and the driver fled. My mom stayed with the police officer's body until help came. They gave her an award for it.

Through all of this you would think my mom might be bitter but I'll never forget the time, shortly after the police officer being killed, when my mom took a man into our home at 3:00 in the morning. We lived way out in the country in Charlotte. This drunk dude hit a deer in front of our house. He staggered to our front door and my mom let him in. We weren't coffee drinkers but she found something to sober him up. She stayed with him in the kitchen while Lee slept and us kids were scared out of our minds. I don't remember if she called the police or not but she took him in.

No one can be asked to forgive such a horrific accident. I do hope this guy from Mason gets the maximum sentence. Still, I'm not sure he should live the rest of his life being hated by people. Like Steve said, if you stay angry with people from your past, you are allowing them to control your present. I pray the families and friends of those killed in drunk driving accidents and other crimes at the hand of someone else, can eventually let go. Not now, but eventually.