United Colonies

This is from my friend who lives in Australia but is a Brit. I'm posting the ones that made me laugh....

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the USA
And thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
Your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
Have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps'
in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
Language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
your Vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
An event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
Beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
A vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
Handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
Metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
Though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be
more Aggressive with customers.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
Will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
As "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Donkey
Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Donkey Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank
you for your co-operation.