Clark in the torture chamber (Linz, Germany).

The lobby where we stayed (and where Joey mostly got into trouble).

The night we were denied. The three of us seemed to be together a lot.

Yi, Joey and I in front/above the Rhine River

Tour of the city. This is the outdoor mall. We must have walked through this place 10 times during the week.

Yi and Joe on the airplane.

Before we left. Meg has just said, "everyone, show me your passports."

5k

I'm running in Max's Race this Saturday on the campus of Michigan State. This will be my first 5k. I'm a little nervous. I hope I can finish decently. Of course, I haven't trained, unless you count walking all over Cologne, Heathrow and climbing Dom. That was all excellent exercise (not to mention the Ultimate Frisbee). I'm also worried about...fashion. Here is a conversation between my step-mother and I:

Holly: Yes, I know you shouldn't change shoes but mine are bright blue and ugly. Yes, I'm concerned about fashion. If/when I pass out at 2.6 miles, I want to look good. I don't want people saying, "look at the girl laying on the pavement with those ugly, blue shoes." Still, I'll probably be wearing them to protect my toes. Perhaps after I'm released from the hospital, we can go to Lady Footlocker. They are having a sale on running shoes: two for $90 (about $45 a piece). Or there is always DSW. I saw many pairs there.

Christine: While those shoes may be a drawback, I will, when I pass you, rip off my shirt, wrap it around your feet than continue to sprint to the finish line in my sports bra. They will pick you up and never notice the shoes until you get to ER. I will come down and quickly wisk you away to Lady Footlocker (after a crepe stop) to the applause of rescue workers. It sounds like a plan to me.

Yes, I know it's shallow but it made me laugh. Focus on the shoes, not the race, then you will be less scared.

East or West

My father was so grateful to be home, he kissed the wall of our apartment. We had been traveling all day from Canada but hit a major storm when we entered Detroit. The rain, wind, and flooding was so bad, we had to pull over. My five-year-old self was terrified. I just wanted to be home. Apparently, so did my dad. I remember him kissing the wall, thanking God for getting us home safely.

This memory came to my mind as I stared out the airplane window watching the greyish blue below me: the Atlantic Ocean. I smiled as the ocean suddenly began to change over to tiny brown and green islands. We were finally in North America. We were almost home.

I had an awesome time in Germany. I learned so much about a culture different from my own. I learned what it was like to stand apart, to be rejected or snubbed because of my nationality. I learned how much I loved my home and I was glad to be back. Several other questions filled my mind as we flew over Canada: why did God choose for me to be born here? Why did He pick the parents I have? Why did He make it so obvious that I had to go on this mission? The Bible says he did all of this so I would have the best opportunity to know and love Him. The mission trip reinforced this and gave me many God moments.

Moment #1
Someone from Riverview donated a Playstation 2 they had ordered off Ebay. They couldn't use this Playstation because it was European (this is the way I understand the story anyhow). We didn't know what we were going to do with it but took it along anyhow. On Monday, we played Ultimate Frisbee on the Koln Campus. It was my turn to hang out and invite people to join us...but I couldn't. I felt shy and awkward. I didn't want to bother these people. Finally, I saw a young man sit down on a bench. I approached him and asked him to play. He did. We had the best time with him and ended up hanging out with him several times that week. Sometime during the week, our new friend mentioned that he loved to play video games. He explained he did have a Playstation but sold it to help with the family farm. Bingo. We had a connection. We were supposed to bring that Playstation 2 for a reason.

Moment #2
We were playing volleyball and frisbee on Tuesday. We tried to talk to people by asking them to play. Two girls we asked seemed very unnerved by us. They wanted nothing to do with frisbee or to have any type of discussion. They laid down in the grass to sun themselves. A half-hour later, one of them sat up suddenly and started screaming. I ran to her to find out the problem. She had been stung by a bee. I called Joey over to pull the stinger out. I ran to my bag because for some reason, I had packed an anti-biotic cream and an Itch Eraser stick for stings and bug bites. Meg also had a frozen cappuccino which we held to the sting to prevent swelling. The girls were so thankful to us. It wasn't really us, though.

Moment #3
Martin, the pastor we visited and worked with in Koln, had a bar-b-Que for us on our last night there. He gave us directions but never told us his house number. Most of the group had been there before so we found it no problem. Joey and Pete were meeting with our new German friend to bring him to the cook-out so they had no clue where they were going. I became nervous and worried as we finished eating dinner. They still hadn't arrived. I went out to the road several times and checked to see if maybe they were in sight. Nothing. The rain came and I turned my worries into prayers. Please let them find this place. I gave it one last try as the rain poured down. I looked down the road and my heart fell. Nothing. I turned the other way and leapt for joy. It was them! They had passed the house. I yelled to them and they came running my way. Pete said they had gotten lost but took a taxi to the correct street. Still they had no way of knowing which house it was and were trying to follow the smell of the food. "Did you see us walk by, Holly?" Peter asked me. "No," I said. "Then how did you know to come out then to see if we were there?" he asked. "God told me," I smiled.

Maybe I didn't plant any seeds on this mission trip. Perhaps I only plowed the ground or changed people's perceptions of a Christian or American. Maybe I went to learn more about myself. Whatever the reason, I know I had to go and am so thankful for the time I had. Still, the best feeling of all was drinking a Vernors, surrounded by my family, telling stories from the past week. East or West, home is best.

Mission for Him, NOT me

"The following takes place between 6am and 7am..."

Tick, tick, tick...

The final 24 hours is here. I felt my first raw pain from nerves around 6:30 p.m. today.

"Crap, I leave in 24 hours. Oh boy."

I have been uneasy about this mission trip to Germany. You probably didn't want to hear that, though. You are going to tell me how everything is going to be fine but really, I'm still just a bundle of mixed emotions. Here are some of the thoughts spiraling around in the brain:

I don't want to go to Germany. I want to go on a mission trip to Hawaii. When is that trip?

I don't speak German. I don't know how to even relate to their lives. What was God thinking?

There must be some reason why He made all of this so obvious. What's the reason, God? Will I go over to Koln and start speaking in tongues? Will I start healing people randomly? Will I hide in a tree every time someone challenges me?

Don't worry. I'm trusting YOU on this one. I'm still getting a little sick to my stomach.

I packed waaaay too much.

I heard a song today by Warren Barfield as I was driving around getting last minute stuff. It calmed me, forcing me to return to the reason why I'm going to Germany in the first place.

Do they only see who we are
When who we are should be pointing them to Christ
Cause we are who He chose to use
To spread the news
Of the way the truth and the life
Oh I want all I am to die
So all He is can come alive

Til everyone I talk to hears His voice
And everything I touch feels the warmth of His hand
Til everyone I meet
Sees Jesus in me
This is all I wanna be I wanna be mistaken
For Jesus

May He touch with my hands
See through my eyes
May He speak through my lips
Live through my life
I want Him to live

I'm not like this on a minute by minute, second by second basis. My friends can attest to this, my co-workers can attest to this more. But these lyrics describe my heart, my want...the need to live by example instead of my old, selfish quest. I'm still the goofy person God created. That is the cool thing about this new quest: I can still be me and I realized I didn't want to do all of those crappy things I was doing. Those crappy things were filling a void that is now filled.

Want to have a drink? Give me a call when I'm back in town.
Want to go out dancing? Let me know when and where.
Want to go to the casino? I'm not very good, but I'm in.
Want to rob a convience store? Man, I miss those days.... (for those who don't know me well, this is where you laugh)

God uses me in crazy little ways...or this big way I'm about to embark on. You may not realize it, but take note of how He's using you, too. This is the kind of used you feel good about :)

Project KMM Update

It has been a long time since I've updated the three of you who read this blog on my project. Major developments since then.

When I first thought of the idea...no wait...let me back up. When God first gave me the idea for this project, there were many obstacles. Kim had been gone for 17 years. The people that knew her weren't on the best terms or had moved away. 17 years...pictures get lost, things get stored away, thrown out, ruined. But God's will on this is amazing.

Obstacle #1: Kim's former step-mother.
Kim's dad left a lot behind when the split happened. He left all of his pictures, including all the ones he had of Kim. Everyone told me, "there is no way you'll be able to get those pictures from her, Holly." But I smiled, thinking, "well, I don't want the pictures from her. I have a different idea." About a month ago, I showed up unannounced at Cindy's house. I hadn't seen her in years but saw that she was still the same woman who baby-sat me many moons ago. I like her...but I know her, too. We visited a little while and then I sprung the project on her. Could she help? Would she be willing? She asked if I wanted to go for a ride with her. Off we went to Lansing. We talked about Kim the whole way there and the whole way back. I learned a lot about Kim and a lot about Cindy: she was close to Kim. She misses her. We came back to the house and Cindy immediately went upstairs. "Can you give me a hand, Holly?" I heard her yell. I approached the stairs and saw her standing at the top with boxes. They were full of pictures. We spent the afternoon sorting through boxes and boxes of pictures. I had my scanner there and scanned them into my computer as we went. Again, no one thought it was possible to gain access to these pictures. Know how I did it? I prayed like crazy before I went over there. I asked for God to soften her heart to the cause. I asked for His help but if she turned me away, I would know it wasn't meant to work out. I prayed the whole way to her house. At times, I got so nervous, I wanted to throw up. Then, the Holy Spirit would calm me, give me strength and the words to say. Awesome.

Obstacle #2: Kim's mom
I was told from the beginning not to expect much help from Kim's mom. She was moving to Arizona and didn't want to "go down that road." The week after Kim died, her things were boxed up and put in storage. The siblings came home to a new den that had been their big sister's bedroom. I’m not saying it was wrong or right, only that the mom was very guarded about Kim. When Karen, Kim’s younger sister, explained the project to the mom, she was skeptical. I got a phone call from the mom two weeks ago. She was in town for the summer and was going through boxes. She wanted to help and contribute. I went to Karen’s on Saturday night and met the mom. She looked a lot like Kim, or Kim looked a lot like her. She was also really nice and let me borrow a bag full of pictures of her daughter. The best part was a VHS tape from their last Christmas together.

Last night, I took a deep breath and popped the VHS in. Kim wasn’t in it as much as I had hoped. The quality wasn’t the greatest, either. When Kim walked into the room, I got a little sad. I haven’t seen a live image of Kim in 17 years, since I saw her alive. Kim sat down on the couch, completely out of view. But then…she finally leaned over and she opened her last present. Her brother, Mike, who was a year older than Kim, handed it her shyly. She opened it and exclaimed, “Rush! The Rush tape! Thank you, Mike!” You could clearly see how close the two of them were. She walked over to him and thanked him again. Then, she opened the tape and played it a few minutes on the stereo. After this, she tried on her Varsity coat she had also received. “Look, mom. There’s even room to grow,” she stated.

My throat became tight and I felt incredibly sad. I watched all of them, knowing now that their lives were going to change for the worse in two months. They didn’t know. They had no idea this would be their last Christmas with Kim. I wanted to call Karen and tell her how sorry I was that she had to go through all of that at such a young age. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that her sister died 17 years ago. I wanted to yell at them so they knew what was about to happen but they continued on, frozen in time, carrying on with a normal family Christmas, unaware. Of course, it was better that they didn’t know, even if I had the power to somehow transcend the whole time barrier.

I didn’t think this project would get to me so much. I hope I can get this thing right. I’ll keep asking for help and praying

International Friend

“You have to call them and change your flight. You must stay an extra week. I’ll show you around…we can go to Austria, France, Italy!”

I smiled at my friend.

“I wish I could, Uschi…man, I really wish I could…but I just can’t take that much time off work.” I felt a little sad knowing this may be the only time I’m ever in Europe.

Uschi smiled. “Oooo, it would be so much fun.”

I met Uschi (pronounced Ooo-she, short for Ursula) in 1999. We both worked for Perry Johnson, although, her position there was a little more prestigious. She ran the office in Germany from the office she shared with me in Southfield. I was immediately drawn to her sincere and giving personality, so sweet and unassuming. We had a cultural differences which ended up being the jokes between us.

“I have to get a book on Phone-ics,” she said to me last night. “Phone-ics…right?”
“Well…no. It looks like Phone but it is more like F-on-ics, like ‘on’ as opposed to ‘off.’”
“Oh jeez,” she said somewhat seriously. “How am I going to teach my daughters when I can’t even get it right?”
“Well, perhaps you can study “phone-ics” with them. English is dumb, Ush. The rules are so weird.”
She smiled.

As we sat in the Borders café watching her daughter read books, we reminisced about how quickly we became friends. We had to. She didn’t have many being from Germany and me being from Lansing, fresh out of college…well, I didn’t have many, either.

“I will never forget that day, Holly, when I came into the office so scared…”
“I won’t, either.”

Uschi had taken in her car to get an oil change. She met a handsome, young man who worked there. He, in turn, was quite taken with her. He broke the rules and looked up her phone number to make that fateful call. One night, Uschi and I went to the bar and then back to her apartment to crash. I was going to get up early the next morning to get Dave Matthews Tickets. I left my money under a sweatshirt on her counter. When we got back to the apartment, I was shocked to see a 6’3”, gorgeous, Arabic kid sleeping on Uschi’s living room floor. “Um, Uschi..who is that?”

“That is the guy from the oil changing place.”
“How old is he?”
Uschi smiled.
“19”
“Whoa.”
I quickly realized my money was gone and as I started becoming irate, thinking the 19-year-old hood had stolen it, I heard him say to Uschi, “I put that money in your bedroom. You shouldn’t keep out in the open.”

Wow. He was a nice, 19-year-old hood and it turned out, he wasn’t a hood at all. He was from Lebanon and had seen his mother die in the war. He and his sister were living with an aunt in Dearborn and he was trying to save money to take college classes. His name was Shadi (Sha-dee).

“Uschi, what is wrong,” I said when she walked into our office. “You’re white as a ghost…well…paler than normal.”
“Oh no, Holly…I think…I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.” She then revealed to me how scared she was being in the US alone. What was she going to do? She was 22-years-old.

“Do you love Shadi?” I asked her.
“I know you’ll think I’m crazy because we’ve only been together for a few month (she always drops the “s” from months) but yeah…I do.”

More relief came Uschi’s way when she told Shadi. He immediately proposed to her and they were married in February. In May, Uschi gave me some sad news. She and Shadi had decided to move to Germany to be near her family and have the baby there. In August, Lena was born. Uschi sent pictures along with Kinder eggs (hollow chocolate eggs with a toy inside). I missed my friend but she looked so happy.

“I loved living in Germany,” Uschi said to me as I sipped my Chai Tea. “We lived in a little village where the cows and chickens just ran around all over the place. It was so peaceful.”

“You liked it a lot,” I commented.

“Not when I was growing up. I hated it then. But when you leave home…well, you long for what you used to know. I mean, when were little girls, my parents would take my sister and I to the Alps for skiing. In the summer, we would drive to a little villa near Venice to play on the beach. I miss it…….oh! Did I tell you that my parents won the lottery in Germany?!”

“Um, no! How much did they win?”

“An equivalent to a million US dollars. They paid off their house, bills and added a small apartment on for us to stay in when we visit. They also cut back their work hours and are going to travel more. Isn’t that exciting?”

“So exciting, Uschi…”

In 2001, I received a surprise visit from Uschi and Shadi. They were looking for a place to live in Dearborn…and Uschi was expecting their second child. It wasn’t the first time I had met Lena, but the first time I really interacted with her. She had just turned two and was fluent in German and understood Arabic. Two-years-old and bi-lingual. So cool. Their little family came back to the states and Nadine was born in April of 2002.

“That first year back in Michigan was horrible,” Uschi said. “Lena spoke German, understood Arabic, and now we were throwing English into the whole mess. She tried to adapt but I started speaking to her only in English so she would learn. She turned around and invented her own language! It was almost as if she said, ‘well, forget you two if you aren’t going to speak to me in German and Arabic. I’ll just make up my own words!” For six months, I couldn’t communicate with my daughter. Eventually, by watching TV and just being exposed to English, she caught on and one day, she asked me for a cookie or something.”

“What about Nadine?” I asked about her three-year-old.

“She’s been brought up around all three languages. She’s got a good handle on the words but not when to use them.”

“Like when we were sitting at the dinner table before we left,” I commented, “she said ‘Lena is chewing with her mouth…’ and the said the word ‘closed’ in German.”

“Yes, she does that all the time.” Uschi smiled.

“So, what happened to you and Shadi having 5 kids by the time you were 30?” I teased.

Uschi rolled her eyes. “Yah, right. If I had more help, I would. But Shadi’s work hours are so difficult. When we first came back to the US, he was working two jobs and finishing his degree. He used to get three hours of sleep. He worked the night shift at the plant for awhile and now he has his dream job except he’s all over the place for weeks at a time and then he’ll be home for weeks at a time. I’m so happy that Nadine is going to be in pre-school. I finally have some time to myself, you know. I can hang out with you!”

Uschi started to teach me a few words in German: yes, no, please, thank you, stop. Then she sighed. “When you come back from Germany, I’ll be on my way there. You have to call them and change your flight.” I laughed. “No!” she laughed with me, “I’m not kidding. We could drive to Rome and see the sights…”

“I couldn’t imagine living a life where I could just hop in a car and go to Rome,” I said.

“France is 2 hours away, Austria is an hour…”

I said, “Well, just to be fair, I can hop in my car and be to Ohio in an hour…not the same thing…not the same thing at all.”

“Michigan is beautiful, though, Holly. The US is a beautiful place to live.”

“Yes, I have to agree, but I’ll speak more educated-ly when I come back from Germany. IF I come back from Germany…”

“You’re going to be fine, Holly,” Uschi comforted me. “Tell her she is going to be fine, Lena.”

“Yes, Holly, it is like being on a butterfly and just floating over the water,” Lena explained.

I smiled. I have always felt blessed by my friendship with Uschi and her family. I do hope I can go back to Germany someday and let her show me around. She and Shadi are also building a summer home in Lebanon. I might wait on that trip, though.

Please, love this as much as I do....

Wookie Guitar Solo

Morning by morning, O Lord,
you hear my voice;
morning by morning
I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.
~Psalms 5:3

Every morning I've been praying, either on the way to work or at work. I acknowledge there is no way I can do this shtuff on my own. I was thinking that perhaps I wasn't doing it right or maybe asking for too much when I would pray, "Please, help me through all of this and let the Holy Spirit be strong in me to not open my big, fat mouth at inappropriate times." I like how this Psalm says "I lay my requests before you and wait..." So, I'm not the only one who asks and requests. Ask and you shall receive...maybe 40 years from now, maybe after leave your earthly home. Request. Wait.

Couldn't Have Planned It Better

...and I didn't.

I've been praying and meditating and chickening out about how to handle adversity in life. Adversity? No, just the same ol' issue. I finally cleared the air with someone I had a disagreement with a month ago. It feels so darn good to let go of all that crap. I just really had to suck it up and do it.

I went out with my step-mother last Saturday. This was the first time we had really spoken in a month or so. We had such an awesome time working out together at the MAC. I've truly missed her. We didn't talk about the "issue" between us. Just enjoyed each other's company.

Afterward, we went to this little crepe shop I had heard of right around the corner from her house. I had kind of hoped I would see friends there but I also knew these friends didn't work on Saturday. I couldn't have planned it better. My friend was there, greeting us, welcoming us, and making us feel at home. I could tell my step-mom instantly liked this young woman. We got our crepes and ate them under an umbrella outside. I gently made a comment about Suz and how we know each other. That was pretty much it. I didn't want to shove anything down her throat. Soon, two more friends from church pulled up. Wow. Crazy. Anyhow, we finished eating and I took my step-moms home with a promise to see her later that evening at the dance recital for my niece and nephew.

As I greeted my family members in the Holt High School cafeteria later that evening, I turned to see a family of three walk into the building. I smiled and just couldn't stop smiling. I didn't plan this. I couldn't have.

"Hi, Rob. How are you"
"Pretty good."
"Rob, this is my mom, Carrie, my aunt, Kam and my step-mother, Christine. Ladies, this is one of my pastors, Rob."

They all shook hands and I caught a smile from Joey.

I know I didn't have to go blabbing about all of this but I just thought it was so cool...all of those coincidences, all of those chance meetings which gave an opportunity for people to become acquainted and perhaps clear misconceptions. I'm sure there are still more, but God will do His thing in time or maybe He won't do anything at all.

I do know that my step-mom and I have been e-mailing each other every day and now we plan to run a 5k together, perhaps in Chicago. I pray all of this lasts. I want to care for this relationship as long as it is here on earth.

The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn
are lifted to safety.
Job 5:11

Rowdy Ol' Time

Joey said, “Let’s go out to eat.” After a whole day of cleaning, I was ready to hang out and look for trouble. We decided on Texas Roadhouse. Yeah, I was feeling a little rowdy. After our meal, Joey said, “where to now?” Hmmmm….how about…that Cactus Juice Saloon north of town? Perfect. Joey had been there before and rode the mechanical bull. I remember him complaining for weeks after about how sore he felt. I urged him not to take a second beating from the thing. We pulled into the parking lot and followed the cowboy hats inside. The bouncer, whose shirt read “Deputy”, asked for our IDs. After showing mine, I went inside to go to the bathroom. I took a quick look around and smiled. It was like stepping into a mini Gilly’s from the movie Urban Cowboy. The band in the corner, line dancing, pool, a punching bag…this was going to be a great time.

When I came out of the bathroom, Joey was standing near the door with a look of disbelief.
J: It was $20 bucks to get in here.
H: No way. You’re kidding.
J: I’m not kidding, Hol. I gave the guy a $20 and he didn’t give me anything back. I explained I had just given him $20 and needed my change. He said, “It’s $10 bucks a piece.” He mentioned bull riding…but there’s always bull riding.
H: No flippin way! It looks to me like the bull isn’t even on! That’s crazy! Why didn’t you come get me?
J: You were already in the Cowgirls room. Look, it’s okay. I’m not too upset. This is just turning into an expensive night.
H: Well, let me buy you a beer.
We moseyed over to the bar and ordered a Miller Lite and a Jack & Coke. I handed the bartender my debit card.
Bartender: There’s a $10 minimum.
H: This place is really starting to piss me off.
B: You still want the drinks.
H: (Through gritted teeth) Yes.
I then began to complain aloud how this fancy-dancy bar wasn’t even that great. There weren’t many people, a few couples were line dancing, and the mechanical bull stood silent in the corner. I told Joey that we better figure out how to have fun after all the money we were spending. I took a swig of my drink and noticed people coming out of a room in the back. I thought this must be the Cowboy Discothèque and suggested we check it out. Joey agreed so off we went.

As we strolled into the next room, I stopped short in shock. I couldn’t believe my eyes. We were face to face with a real, live, full blown rodeo, complete with bulls, dirt, gates, and cowboys. Joey and I looked at each other. What had just happened? Were we in OZ? No, we were in a bar…in Lansing…with bulls…and cowboys….

Suddenly, $10 a piece didn’t seem like enough.

Joey and I found a spot on the bleachers and watched the workers finish setting everything up. Then, everyone rose for the National Anthem…in a bar…in Lansing. Afterwards, the lights were turned off and a disco ball lit up at the center of the ceiling. Just like at a Pistons game, the cowboys were introduced one by one, spotlight and all.

“And here he is, riding in from Nashville, TN….Cowboy Curtis!!!!” The crowd goes wild. I was still in some state of shock and couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. Next, they read the Cowboys Prayer:

Our heavenly father, we pause ever mindful of the many blessings you have bestowed upon us. We ask that you be with us at this rodeo, And we pray that you will guide us in the arena of life. We don't ask for special favors, we don't ask to draw around a chute fighting horse, or to never break a barrier. Nor do we ask for all Daylight runs, or not to draw a steer that won't lay. Help us O Lord, to live our lives in such a manner, that when we make that last inevitable ride to the country up there, where the grass grows lush and green and stirrup high, and the water runs clear, cool and deep, that you, as our last judge, will tell us that our entry fees are paid.

I got a little choked up at this point. Well, that’s not true but I got a chill at the last part about having your entry fees already paid. Could this rodeo stuff be deeper than I thought?

The first rider came out on a bull named Agent Orange. Three seconds later, the dude’s face was in the dirt and Agent Orange was prancing around the pen. Bull-1 point, Riders-0. Most of the rides were like that but a few guys made it past the 8 seconds. One of the bulls threw a rider pretty far and then drove his head into the guy’s butt. Ouch. The bulls and blood, dust and mud, the roar of a Sunday crowd, the white in his knuckles, gold in the buckle, he'll win the next go 'round, it's boots and chaps, it's cowboy hats, it's spurs and latigo, it's the ropes and the reins, the joy and the pain, and they call the thing rodeo. Yeah, thanks to Garth Brooks for actually writing those lyrics.

The whole thing was a pretty good time. We only stayed about an hour and a half but I was happy with my first Rodeo experience. We left shortly after the cops did. No, I never found out why they were there. As we drove away, I noticed the marquee for the first time.

“Oh, it says ‘Live Bull Riding Tonight.’ They meant ALIVE bulls. Ohhhhh….”

Hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit...
Romans 5:5

Riverview Website

Riverview's new website has been launched. It is totally rad.

I'm one of the Riv Bloggers. You can check that out here.

I really, really, really like the new site. Especially all of the faces of the people who work to make Riverview operational. Makes me smile :o)

Baha Junkie

Me: Hi, I'd like to order one shrimp taco.
Baha Lady: Okay, is that all?
Me: Yes.
BL: Okay, your # is 1.
Me: Here is my frequent user card.
BL: I stamp it twice for you.
Me: Oh....okay...cool. (Walks over to salsa bar and begins to load up on favorites. Suddenly remembers something.)
Me: Excuse me.
BL: Yes.
Me: I forgot to tell you I wanted the taco made with a flour tortilla.
BL: I knew that. I was wondering how long before you remembered to tell us.
Me: (feeling slightly embarrassed) Oh. Yeah. Thanks!
BL: Here is your order.
Me: Thanks.
BL: It was nice seeing you again.
Me: Uh, you too!

I looked down at my frequent user card. I got it a month ago. It's almost full.

Blues

When I look back at last week, I feel darkness. I was mildly depressed. There wasn't a lot of will to do anything except eat and sleep. Oh, and feel sad. But this week is different. I'm smiley and feel good. I bounced back. I have people around me who instantly recognized I wasn't myself. They were in tune with it and questioned my well-being. It wasn't because of them that I bounced back so well, though. For one, it is because I'm pretty well balanced. Chemically, I mean. Everyone goes through this occasionally. It passes on through after a day or so. Secondly, I have a strength inside me that won't let me go to far down that road. He just won't IF I don't shut Him out. So I hung on. And though there are areas of my life I'm completely a wreck about, overall I'm happy.

Some people aren't so lucky. I don't always understand but I know some people don't bounce back after a few days of feeling blue. They spiral down further and further until there is so much darkness around them, they can't even see who they really are anymore. There is an imbalance. There is a focus on things that aren't real. Paranoia. Fear. Hopelessness. Panic. Loneliness. We need to pay attention to those close to us. We need to recognize when these feelings don't go away after a few days because those days easily turn into years...and then it is almost too hard to come back.

Thanks to those who cheered me up last week, for those that simply said, "hey I'm here if you need me." I was carrying a lot of weight and just hearing that made the pressure less.

99th Best

Valassis has been in the "Top 100 Companies to Work For" by Forbes Magazine for the past...I don't know...seven years or something. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Anyhow, we made it into the hall of fame this past year but, well, our ranking has slipped from 50-something to 99. That's right. Valassis has one foot out 'da door. Does Valassis want to lose this prestigious title? Nooooo. So they are busting butt to change our minds about the company we work for as the determining factor are the surveys that come from us. This past week, Valassis made two major changes:
1.) They brought back 401K gift matching.
2.) They changed the vacation policy. Now, you don't have to wait until your 5 year anniversary to get 15 days off. Employees that have been here 3 years now get the 15 day vacation.

Guess who's a 3 year employee this year? Guess who now has a total of 18 vacation days because she purchased 3? Guess who is really happy now?

Attention! Pay Attention!

Lately, self doubt has crept into my being. I get a new project at work, perform well, and then something either in my control or out of my control happens. All of this causes me to second guess myself. I get so angry at me. Why didn’t I notice the fold was off? Why didn’t I know you aren’t supposed to varnish both sides of the piece if a sample needs to glue in? Why didn’t I notice the wrong barcode printed? Why didn’t I pay attention to the color? Ugh. Yeah. The crap part of it is that upper management notices. I flat out asked my supervisor “do you consider me an average TSR?” He thought for a minute and said, “as far as performance goes, yes but as for issues surrounding the job…no. You are below average.” He wants to help me be successful in this position. I told him I may never be. This might not be the right fit. I also said I wanted to start looking at other positions in the company. I don’t think he liked that much. I just don’t feel happy when I’m here. And then there is this self doubt thing…. Okay. Time for a story.
Thursday before the movie started, Joey won first place for his Darth Vader costume. His prize was a talking Yoda doll. He showed it to me. I wasn’t too impressed but was proud of him. He worked really hard on that costume. As we are leaving the theater after the movie, Joey handed Yoda to me but my nephew Bradley took it. As we walked out of the theater, Joey started performing for all of the fans waiting in line. One of his best friends from high school was in line and Joey took Yoda from Bradley to show his friends. I stood there for a moment and then decided to go to the bathroom. A moment or two later, Joey’s mom walks into the bathroom. “There you are, Holly Girl,” she said. We then met Brad and Joey outside of the restroom and worked our way out to the front of the building where a few more pictures were taken. Joey walked Brad and I to my car and then he asked the question, “Where’s Yoda?”
Me: I don’t have it.
Brad: I don’t have it, either.
Joey: Maybe my mom has it.
We all went our separate ways. Later on, Joey called to ask if I was sure Yoda wasn’t in my car. I checked it out. No Yoda. Joey became really upset and frustrated. He said that his friend Ben, his mom, and Bradley all said that I was carrying Yoda. I was dumbfounded. Huh? I never touched the doll. I felt so confused and I started doubting myself. If all of these people said I had it…I must have had it and left it in the bathroom…but I know I didn’t…but maybe I did….God, this is just like being at work. I can’t get away from it.

My cousin, who is head of security at Celebration Cinema, called me and said Yoda had been found near the THX. He wasn’t sure if it was in the bathroom, just near the THX. So we still didn’t know who left Yoda behind. And why was it a big deal? Why couldn’t I let it go? Because of the scorecard we keep here at work. It was spilling over into my life.

I was thinking about all of this as I flushed my step-dad’s toilet (wait, I’m going somewhere with this). “What the---? He has a push button flusher! I’ve never noticed before! My attention to detail does suck! I suck! I’m losing my mind!” Then, I called Dean into the bathroom. “You’ve never noticed that in the 10 years we’ve lived here, Holly?” he said. I shook my head. “Ha! That’s because I changed it today. The handle broke this morning.” A huge wave of relief came over me. I do notice things. In fact, I notice some of the smallest things. My brain is only human, though. I can’t notice everything and keep track of things all the time. But I really feel like God was trying to say, “Slow down, Kid. You’re not as bad as you think. You’re not as bad as they think.”

The next day, I went to my sister’s and Bradley was home sick with a sinus infection. “Um, Holly, I remembered something last night.” “What?” “Well, I remember that I put Yoda down on the concession stand. I was the one who lost him.” “You are kidding me.” “No.” “Oh, well, Bradley,” I said, “I’m on my way to pick Yoda up from Celebration. Don’t beat yourself up over leaving him there.” Yeah, don’t beat yourself up.

Storm Spotter

Last Wednesday evening, I drove myself to Dearborn, MI for Storm Spotter training. Yes, that’s right. I’m an official Storm Spotter. What does that mean? A couple of things.
1.) When I see bad weather, I call it into the National Weather Service.
2.) When the National Weather Service sees bad weather on radar, they can call me to see if I can report on anything.
The training lasted from 7:00 to 9:00. Two hours. Now, I’m not an expert but they trained us on types of things to look for and report on. They also taught us the difference between funnel, wall and shelf clouds. Pretty cool. So now, when you see “Spotter Activation Required” that is me (along with thousands of others).

Downer

I've been a real downer lately. Trying to shake it only makes me feel worse. I'm just not happy here at work. Either Satan is meddling in my projects, royally screwing them up or God is trying to show me that it has been time for me to leave...for a long time now. I don't know. I just know that when I'm here, I'm miserable. The worst part is that it shows. Yesterday, someone sent me an e-card saying she misses my smile. A guy who works in the bindery stopped me on my way out to ask me why I'm not happy. Nuts. He knows? I'm just tired of this job. I get 10 e-mails a day where one of our processes has changed. Today, I'll get 10 more changing the ones from yesterday. I'm having a difficult time keeping up. I'm tired of every print job becoming a "learning opportunity." I got a call from the press supervisor Sunday night at 11:30.
"Uh, Holly, this Tylenol job we have running...the fold isn't lining up correctly."
"Uh, What do you mean?"
"Uh, the fold is right but the artwork is zigzagging."
"Uh, okay."
"Uh, what do you want us to do."
"Uh, I have no idea. I'll call you back."
So, I called my supervisor who wasn't about to come in and check the piece even though he lives closer and then I called the project leader who lives in Howell. By 12:30 in the morning, I was driving into work. She drove in as well. I wanted to shut the press down, she didn't. So, we didn't. All hell broke loose on Monday. Because I'm a frontliner, the blame usually falls my way. It should have been caught before it went to press. Yay. Yet another learning opportunity.

Yesterday, I was bypassed to go to our facility in Calexico, CA. This is a trip our supervisor has been promising to myself and two others who work on sampling programs. Guess who's going and who's not? Yes, I already told you.

I'm sorry. I'm venting. And really, when reading this, please don't hear my whiney voice. My voice is sad and distressed, trying to seek comfort in God, smile through all of this crap. Oh, and there is so much more crap then what I have let on here. Work crap. Family crap. Crap, crap, crap. There are still so many things to smile about. One of them is my roommate.

Last night, I came home and Krissie was making dinner. I asked what she was cooking up and her reply was, "all of your favorite comfort foods: homemade mashed potatoes, asparagus with mushrooms, and vanilla pudding with fresh blueberries." I stood in the kitchen in total amazement. Wow. "Awww, Krissie, that is so awesome of you," I managed to say without a crying fit. "Question: why vanilla pudding with fresh blueberries? I mean, I like it but I didn't know it was my favorite comfort food." "Well, you were just telling me the other day how much you like the parfaits from McDonalds but lately the fruit has been frozen when you get them." "Will you marry me?" I heard myself ask.

She is an awesome friend and the best person I've ever lived with. She really is. I will miss her when I suddenly quit my job, move in with my parents and try to get a job in a crepe shop somewhere....

My Supervisor

Holly: I have a fear of choking to death.
Jim: What do you mean?
Holly: Like on a piece of food.
Jim: You don't have to worry about that kind of choking. You need to worry about this kind of choking (pretends to have his hands wrapped around my throat, choking me).
Holly: Oh my.......!
Brain: (Laughs)
Holly: Do I really aggravate you that much?
Jim: Yes.

Food Addictions

I go through phases with certain foods. Here are my latest crazes:
Baha Fresh shrimp tacos, guacomole, and salsa. I don't like other salsas now. Has to be Baha. I go there 1-2 times a week.

Chai Tea with vanilla--this is the latest craze. I'm not into coffee but this stuff....wow. I discovered it last week and have three since then. I'm starting to schedule my drive home around coffee joints that serve the stuff. Anyone know where to get this drink in Lansing? I'm screwed if I can't have it on the weekends....

Star Wars III

No, I can't wait.

Yes, I am going opening day.

No, I don't have high expectations.

Yes, that was a lie.

No, I didn't like Jar Jar Binks.

Yes, I like Part II better than Part I.

Why Star Wars? Why me?

Growing up, I had four male cousins in my age group: Ryan, Chris and Cory are 1-2 years older than I and then Greg who is a year younger. This was who I played with most of the time. They weren't into GI Joe like my step-brother. They were into Star Wars soooo I was forced to like Star Wars. I remember going to see Empire with Ryan and sitting in the very front row. I was four-years-old and recall staring at my shoes during the scary parts (my legs were sticking straight out because I was so little). It was assumed I would always be Leia when we were playing. Usually, Leia didn't have a big part and I would end up sitting in a chair by myself watching them. When my cousin Ryan moved to London, he had to give his prized collection of Star Wars toys to Cory. I'm not so sure Cory took the best care of them. Needless to say, I don't think Ryan got them back when his family moved to Ohio. Good times....

Yes, I have a think for Star Wars. I enjoy the stories behind the stories like how Han and Chewie met and Boba Fett's escape from the sarlacc. I do want to be one of those people who sports a costume on opening day but I won't.

I'm trying to get the cousins together to watch this last episode. We'll see....

Germany

I told God I didn't want to go to Germany. I received another $100 check. It must be God's way of smiling and saying, "That's nice, dear..."

Oh, and don't get me wrong. Sometimes I pull a Moses and feel totally unqualified to go but then God sends a little reassurance my way. I pray the rest of the Germany team is doing alright. I haven't seen them in a few weeks. We're getting closer to our $$ due date....ahhhhhh!!!!! Still, I'm not too concerned about the $$ part. I've got about $800 to go but still have more letters to send. So if you're reading this and smiling to yourself because you haven't received a Germany letter from me, I would stop smiling now. And for those of you that have contributed....wow. Thank you. I'm completely humbled every time I get a donation, no matter how much the amount. And for those that haven't been able to contribute, like I said in your letter, we need people praying for us, too. Thank you for those prayers. But, official thank yous will come later when you receive your "Meat-on-a-stick" souvenirs from the trip.

Passport Part 2

I have one. Yay!

Bragging? Oh well...

These were just too cool not to post.

Obnoxious pastor #1
Obnoxious pastor #2

(Work phone rings)
Me: Hello?
Joey: Holly, I can't find my cat.
Me: Oh no. Which one?
Joey: Hemi...I went to let the dogs out and now I just can't find him...I'm panicking here.
Me: He's in the basement.
Joey: No, I already checked. I called him, shook his food because he usually comes running and nothin. He's disappeared.
Me: Oh no. What are you going to do? You have baseball practice...
Joey: I'm really panicking. Where could he have gone? Wait. There he is.
Me: Where?
Joey: Walking towards me. (To cat) Where were you, Hemi?
Me: Did he tell you?
Joey: No. (To cat) Don't ever do that again, Hemingway. That was bad.
Me: What would you have done if you couldn't find him?
Joey: Cancel practice.
Me: And you would tell them you were canceling practice because....
Joey: ....because I can't find my cat.
Me: This might be an exceptional time to lie. I have to go back to work now.
Joey: Okay, bye.

Food Horror Stories

The picky post along with the recent attention fast foods have been getting has prompted me to post my story about the Burger King in Mason. I totally forgot to blog this after it happened. Here it is for those that didn't hear it directly from me.

It was February 18th, 2005. I was starving. I decided to stop in at the Mason's BK to get a Whopper Jr. with cheese. I don't think I had one since that dark day in 7th grade. I was all excited when I received the burger and as I ate it, I started thinking about Shamrock Shakes and when they would be coming back to McDonald's. Huh? That's random. I thought the same thing. Why would I be thinking about Shamrock Shakes? I finished the burger and was almost to my Grandma's house when I realized...there was gum in my mouth...and it wasn't mine. I wanted to die.

Anyone else have some gross stories?

Picky

It's time to get this out in the open. I am a picky eater but probably not how you think I would be picky. My fussiness changes at random with the different moods I'm in. Here are examples of what I mean:

• I'll eat chicken wings, but only the white part. You couldn't pay me to put the whole thing in my mouth. Uh-uh. No way. Too many tendons and bloody things.
• Sometimes, most times, I won't eat chicken at all because sometimes it tastes like wet dogs. Joey thought I was insane when I told him this until our trip last year to Cleveland. We stopped at a KFC and I made him taste some of my meal. He frowned and said in a low voice, almost as if he were speaking to himself, "it DOES taste like wet dogs."
• When I was in 7th grade, I took a bite out of Jr. Whopper with cheese. I pulled this long, grayish looking this out of my mouth. My 7th grade history teacher (he brought us honor students to BK for a treat) said, "oh, it's just a piece of grizzle." Um, no thanks, man.
• If I'm eating fish and there is a part that is more brown or gray than the other white parts, I'll eat around it.
• I don't like to re-heat pizza.
• I'll freeze stuff and throw it out to make room for other stuff I want to freeze that I will end up throwing out to make room for more stuff I want to freeze...
• Steak = yuck, tastes too much like blood.
• I don't trust meats, chicken or fish in frozen, microwave meals. This causes a big problem for lunchtime.

I could go on and on and probably will think of more to post in the future. I'm sure those that know me well have their own stories of when I spit out this or that. I can't help it.

Yesterday, though, I didn't feel full after eating my soup. I prayed to God that someone would offer me a treat later in the day so I didn't get too hungry. It wasn't so much a prayer as it was, "it would be nice if..." Around 3:00, I spotted Anita eating something at her desk.

Me: What are you eating?

Anita: Crazy bread. Want some?

Me: When did you buy it?

Anita: Last night.

Me: Um, no thanks.

Anita: Why not?

Me: I..uh..don't like to heat up bread.

Anita: I don't understand.

Me: I'm not hungry. No thanks.

Anita: Why...you picky, little girl. If you were one of my daughters I would spank you.

Me: I know! I know I'm picky and I know it's horrible!

Anita: You wouldn't have these choices if you lived in a third world country.

Me: Maybe that's why God chose me to live here because he knew I would never make it somewhere else.

Anita: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Come on (grabs my wrist and pulls me to the kitchen).

Me: (Laughing) Fine, Anita. I'll have some Crazy bread.

Anita: Darn right you will. And you'll thank God for it.

I told her how I had asked God for a treat in the afternoon.

Anita: Well, He listened to you.

Me: But I said, "Um, no thanks, God. That wasn't what I had in mind."

Anita: All the more reason to eat the bread (takes it out of the microwave and hands it to me with a smile).

So, yeah, that's me. I'm a little concerned how things are going to go in Germany....

Sick

"Holly, you're like a soft serve ice cream machine."
--My supervisor, Jim, after listening to me blow my nose for the 5th time in two minutes.

Yes, I'm sick...AGAIN. What is going on with my immune system? It sucks, bad. At least this wasn't as severe. I went home early Tuesday with a temp of 102.5 but felt tons better yesterday. Still, it is the same old song and dance. Drink the OJ, drink the green tea, take the vitamins, shove the tissue up the nostrils cuz the nose hurts too bad to blow anymore and eat the double noodle soup. Yuck.

Happy 5/5/05

My little sister is getting married today in Vegas. I wish I could go but my money situation with Germany has already caused me to cancel the family trip to Chicago. Maybe later in the year (for Chicago that is). I spoke to both Fawn and Darren as they were boarding their plane yesterday morning. I got chills because I could feel Fawn glowing through the phone. She is so happy and deserves it. I got a little teary as I wished her the best of luck and reiterated how much I wish I could be there. Best wishes to the Youngs!

He Talks With Us

I found that Ben’s parents feel very comfortable around me. They remember me as a special friend of Ben’s who helped him mourn his brother. I approached both and we kind of skipped through the “so how’s work?” “where are you living now?” small talk. We went straight to the “here is what is going on in our lives and this is how we're feeling” meaningful discussions. Ben’s dad, I’m not going to lie….isn’t doing so well. I don’t know if he ever will. He feels so lost and empty. We talked for quite awhile about his sons and his marriage. Please, say a little prayer for him after you read this sentence.

I also spoke to Ben’s mom, Sharon. She is a deeply faithful, Christian woman who is married to a pastor, Ben’s step-father. We shared some cute little stories and I told her how much glory Ben and the entire family bring to the Lord by continuing to have faith. Her eyes got a little misty and she said, “Can I tell you something?” I nodded eagerly. “Well…when Stevie called me and said, ‘mom, they couldn’t save him! They couldn’t save him! He’s gone…’ I didn’t quite understand. It took me a few weeks before I really felt the loss. I was in the middle of a grocery store and just started sobbing, right there in the aisle. I cried for my loss but I also cried not really knowing where Simeon had stood in his beliefs of Christ. Where was my baby? I arrived home and Richard said, ‘hon, come into the living room. I want you to hear a song I just wrote for Simeon.’ As he played the song on the piano, I listened and cried at the beauty of the song. It was made up of different little verses in the Bible and the chorus was mainly ‘be still and know that I am God.’ Later in the day, I decided to go through some boxes and I found one full of arts and crafts the kids had made years ago. I came across this little piece of birch, rolled up with a string tied around it. Carefully, I unrolled it trying not to break the frail bark. In Simeon’s 7-year-old handwriting were the written words ‘be still and know that I am God.’ God was really trying to make a point to me. He has everything under control and he has my son, Simeon.”

I smiled in response to her story. “He really does talk to us. We just have to listen.”

Ain't that America

I traveled to Louisville, KY this weekend all by myself and I actually enjoyed it. There was a lot of time to think, reflect, daydream, sing out loud with no one critiquing, talk to God and marvel at the lands I was speeding by. I left Lansing at 6:30ish on Saturday morning and passed through my old hometowns of Charlotte and Olivet. I knew my way. I’ve traveled this path many times. The weather was a little cloudy with occasional sprinkles but I was blessed with awesome music. I only put a CD in once and then only listened to three songs. When I crossed the Michigan border, the land was less familiar but the history lover in me remembered that Ronald Reagan, John Mellencamp, and James Dean had all been born in Indiana. In fact, when I got to Fairmount, I decided to take a potty break at a gas station claming to have one of the best selections of James Dean memorabilia. Um….yeah….I don’t think so. I truly should have known better but I passed by the cigarette smokers and tobacco chewers, took care of business and got the heck out of there. I was also bummed by the speed limit of 65mph. I pushed the limit at times and had a mini-heart attack when a state trooper pulled a u-turn after he passed me going the other way. “Oh crap” I paraphrased. Lucky me…he pulled over the van behind me. I did slow down to 68 mph after.

I made it to Louisville by 1 pm and went to the wedding. Want to know about the wedding? Excellent! Ben and Nicole got married at a bed and breakfast in New Albany, IN. It was pretty and small, intimate. A candle was lit in memory of Simeon and then the young woman who had been his bride only two years ago, placed a flower next to the candle. Ben’s mom followed and then Ben came out, knelt by the candle and placed his flower there. As soon as Nicole came outside, Ben started crying. This made her cry. Then everyone was crying. They were so drunk with love for each other, barely making it through their vows. They were by each other all night, making each requested kiss more meaningful then the last. We ate dinner, ate some cake and began to part ways around 9:00. The new couple shared a dance on the patio in front of the pool and forgot others were watching as they became lost in each other. This may be the most loving wedding I’ve ever witnessed. There are only a few that rank up there. God bless them.

I left town at 7:00 the next morning, hoping to make it to church in time. I was enjoying the music, the sunny sky, the early morning hues when BAM! Another police officer passed by me and flipped his lights on as he made a u-turn. “Oh, no, sir. Please, no, sir. I promise to slow down.” I thought I was screwed. Once again, the dude behind me got pulled over instead. Crazy. I made it to Indianapolis by 9ish. Relying on my usually reliable sense of direction, I made a wrong turn and went 15 miles the wrong way on 465 West. Right away, I started questioning myself. “I don’t remember these landmarks. Oh no. Lick Creek? I would remember Lick Creek.” After I turned around and got back on track, I felt relief when I saw the landmarks I DID recognize. The giant bowling pin, the United Skates roller rink, Hemorrhoid Center of Indianapolis…I’m going the right way. As I traveled through the very long state of IN, my music situation was a little more desperate. LOTS of Christian radio and church services. I managed to find some Johnny Cash and thankfully I like country music. I made it back to Lansing by 12:45. Boooooo. I missed church but I was okay with it because I felt relaxed from this time spent alone.

Bible Quiz Answers

Even though Joey phoned in his answers late last night, he didn't post them so they do not count. Here is the answer to the second part of the second question.

Barnabus and Paul got into an argument over Barnabas' cousin John also called Mark. Why? What would upset the two dudes so much that they would part ways? It was because John Mark ditched them in Pamphylia, the first mission trip. Barnabas wanted to give his cousin a second chance but Paul was reluctant. But let's learn more about this John Mark character, shall we....

John Mark was a young guy from Jerusalem. He was exposed to the early Christian movement and his mother, Mary, opened her home to the early Christian leaders. Paul and Barnabas took Mark on their first missionary trip but Mark took off for some reason. Paul was "terribly disappointed" and refused to allow Mark on the next journey which led to the spat. My Bible states that "although Paul may have sized up the young man as hopeless, he later changed his opinion. Mark eventually became a valued assistant to Paul and three of the apostle's letters mention him with gratitude. Peter refers warmly to Mark as "my son" (1 Peter 5:13). Tradition has it that Mark accompanied Peter to Rome, where Peter helped him write the Gospel account that bears Mark's name."

I thought this was very interesting and just wanted to share with you :)

Bible Quiz

I was reading some fascinating stuff last night and had two easy questions for you:
1.) Where were the disciples first referred to as Christians?
2.) There is a really cool story about a disagreement Paul has with someone in Acts. This disagreement caused these two friends to go their separate ways. Who was the disagreement with and what was the disagreement about?

I know. These are probably too easy...

Meijer

So, I was having a strange day on Sunday and headed into the Wixom Meijer for some food. Because I lost my debit card and do not have the replacement, I've had to budget myself with whatever money I have. Kind of a good lesson but anyway....

Meijer has new carts! They are lighter weight (probably plastic) and blue. The best part is they come in two sizes: large and small. Yes, that is right. Meijer has provided the perfect cart for me. It is like pushing a double basket on wheels. So much better than a basket, though because my groceries get heavy. This thing is so cool. I wanted to take it home but of course, I left it for someone else. Yay, Meijer!

Passport

I just sent my passport in for the mission trip. Another $100--bye-bye. I just want to get it in time. I'm super nervous because I remember this conversation posted by Noel:


August 03, 2004
Passports and Divorce
{ MOOD: Hehe NOISE: Grace and Eric talking }
Quote of the day:
NOEL: "I bet we could get a divorce faster than we could get your frickin' passport."
GRACE: "Wanna try?"

Now, I know there were other circumstances flying around that snafu but everyone always complains about this process. It only took me 5 minutes to apply and the guy at the Post Office was really nice. Said I should have it in four weeks. Let us pray.

Oh, and despite what anyone tells you, you are most definitely allowed to smile in your passport photo (*^&# CVS).

I’m not sitting in the front row anymore.

I always preferred the back rows. That was where the cool kids sat. In college, I heard a theory that the closer to the front you sit, the more you will understand. Cool kids sat in back. Kids with better grades sat in front. I started sitting in front. For the most part, it worked.

These past couple of weeks at church have blown me away, though. I walk into Riverview so happy and giddy, take my seat near the front, sing a bunch of songs, start listening to the message…and end up a mess. I get so frustrated! It’s like I can’t comprehend what is being said. Perhaps it is going by too fast. Or maybe, I’m so focused on trying to understand what was just said that I miss the explanation. Here are some of the notes I have written to Joey in the past three weeks:

“I don’t understand.”
“ugh!”
“I can never be the way I need to be, the way Noel is talking about.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Something is just not clicking in my brain.”
“I give up.”

I’ve really been struggling with these messages about Paradoxes. I loved the first teaching about giving up your life to gain it. I understood most but I remember looking around desperately thinking, “I can’t be that nice to people.” See, I’m a wonderful person outside of work (ha ha) but once I get there, the florescent lights burn everything I’ve just learned out of my brain. “Give more, be nice, smile, don’t complain, calm down, answer that phone call, quit surfing the net...” Sorry. I just can’t do it.

As I was saying, I lost it Sunday. I walked into Riv as chirpy as ever, fluttering from person to person and nesting in a newer area (for a little change of pace). So we sing and la, la, la…Noel comes out and starts off by giving a lot of announcements…then…gives some family business…looks in our general direction and talks about what we should do when someone sins against us. Gulp. The whole message was really difficult for me to grasp and understand but oh, could I relate. Every morning I do push myself to do better, be better. I pray, God please help me to be a nicer person. Please help me help others.

I felt truth just rushing at me, too fast for me to comprehend. Yeah, I was so overwhelmed I was sobbing by the end of church. Especially when the new U2 song was played. The whole message pretty much ruined my day. I’ll never fully understand. I’m always going to screw up even when I know not to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never get this Christianity thing right.

I was wiped out. I took a nap at my mom’s, woke up grumpier than ever, and headed home. I saw the CD of the message laying on the seat of my car. I ignored it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like going through something I viewed as emotionally exhausting twice in one day. I did want to see if that U2 song was on there, though…no! I won’t listen to it. And then I did.

I followed along. I picked up things I missed the first time. I agreed. I smiled. I think I get it.

I’m always and forever going to screw up. I just will because I’m not God. However, I have to do two things which are complete opposites of each other: give it up. Don’t give up…but give it up…to Him. Or…another way to look at it….

GOD: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
HOLLY: God, learning about these things in Riverview is one thing. Living it out in life is totally different.
GOD: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
HOLLY: (focusing, quietly) All right, I'll give it a try.
GOD: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
HOLLY: I don't... I don't believe it.
GOD: That is why you fail.

Um, yeah, I know God sounds a lot like Yoda. What God does tell us is so priceless. I am not to try anything. I only have to know I can’t do it on my own. He will do it.

Galatians 5:22 When the Holy Spirit lives in us, He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It isn’t me that needs to try harder, strive to be better, set up extra rules and regulations to make myself these things. It is Him…He. I just have to trust Him and know I can’t do it on my own. I must pray over it, trust Him during the day, act by the Holy Spirit inside of me, and thank God for all that is good.

Probably sounds a little wishy washy to some of you. Hey, I lived this yesterday and maybe it was just my imagination but uh…it worked. I got into a couple of jams and I thought I was screwed but I prayed right away asking for help…and everything worked out. I found myself giving a little bit more, wanting to give a little bit more. I’m also getting along with someone I never thought I would. Oh, and I went to lunch with a co-worker who had a lot of questions for me about the Bible and God. I was able to just say what came to mind…and I even used the things I learned Sunday…twice.

I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right! I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. It seems a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

I never would have guessed that me and a man over 2,000 years old could have so much in common…

My Hurt

What is bummin me out? Really want to know?

There is a person in my life…someone who deeply influenced me while I was growing up. She was someone I looked up to but could never really be myself around. She has accepted me as her daughter and I know she is proud of me. The problem is this person is harsh, biting, and judgmental when it comes to her opinion versus yours. I have rarely ever stood up to her or defended by views because I know there is just no point. I end up sitting there and listening to her rants. Still, I love this person. She has been in my life since I was born. She makes me laugh and when she isn’t being opinionated, we have a great time.

I bet you guessed by now why I’m hurt.

She told me on Easter Sunday she would support me even if she didn’t agree. She said she would come to my baptism. She even e-mailed me back on Monday and asked if she should bring her own Legos to church on Sunday…I took that as a sign that she would be there, despite her differing view. I was a little shocked when my father called me Sunday morning to say he didn’t know if she was going or not. Then, he arrived by himself. I blew it off, not putting too much thought into it. After all, I didn’t do it for her. I don’t need her approval….or do I?

My father called me Sunday evening to thank me and say he had a good time. I asked why she didn’t come. He took a deep breath and said, “That is something you’ll have to patch up with her?” Huh? Patch up? What did I break? “She loves you very much but she doesn’t agree with what you are doing. She doesn’t think you are making the right decisions.”

That is what hurts. She is trying to make a point. She was going to go but decided not to in order to make a point to me. It hurt and it feels intentional.

She attended my band concerts in school.
She came to my awards presentations.
She had birthday parties for me.
She took part in all of the holidays.
She made me feel at home.
She attended the baptisms of my niece and nephew.
She came to my high school graduation.
She came to my college graduation.
She came to all of the parents’ days in high school and college.
She came to every one of my new apartments. Even brought me a housewarming gift.

But she couldn't bring herself to come to this, to not even check out the church or meet the pastors. Forget the differences in our views. I can accept those. But I’m not a child making bad decisions and I need her to know this one hurt. Knowing me, I will back down, not say anything, and carry on as usual. Perhaps not, though. I've got to relay it to her somehow.

Thank you for your advice on this matter. I took all of it to heart and it will help lead me. I pray God gives me direction and the words to say what needs to be said without being a spoiled brat about it.

Question pour vous.....

Let's say someone deeply hurt me...and it isn't the first time...do I have a right to explain it to them or do I just suck it up and carry on as if nothing happened? I know that just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I am a whimp. I'm just prayfully trying to figure out a way to let this person know that this last hurt is hurting the worst...I'll forgive them (which they probably won't ask for) but I need for this person to know this time. This person doesn't have to believe the same things I do. That isn't what this is about...I just want them to know...I think (whimp).

Philippians 4:8

Whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable--
if anything is excellent
or praiseworthy--
think about such things
(and Holly, quit being a baby when things don't go your way).

OK

It has been 10 years since the Oklahoma City bombing. It still makes me want to cry. I was a freshman in college, came home from my morning class, flipped on the TV for a little Happy Days before my next class and saw the carnage. I felt sick inside and could not take my eyes away from the images. The darkest hour was when I realized how many children died. My nephew was just a little guy at the time and all I could think about was him. I went home that weekend just to give him a hug. I wanted to apologize to him for this crazy world. Of course, he was so young, he didn’t know how crazy it gets. When the news of the OK bombing finally died down, I remember feeling relieved as lives slowly returned to normal. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “this is the worst disaster I’ve ever known…an American bombing a building…how horrible…”

Prayers to those who lived through it. Their healing continues.

Buffett for Pope (from Kelly)

The Light

Most of you know...I got baptized on Sunday! It was such a wonderful experience. My friends drove in from D-town and most of my family members also came to support me. I was nervous but the Hills calmed me down a bit by saying "whoever is supposed to be here will." I know not all of my friends liked the church (actually, all of my friends liked the church a lot but some of the guests of my friends thought it was weird...ha! Yes! That is why I attend church there.) and my step-dad had some issues with the lesson but other than that, awesome day! The best part (other than introducing my peeps to my pastors and Riv friends) was getting into the baptismal pool. I was trying to focus on why I was doing all of this...but when I got on my knees, the water went up my shirt and I started laughing. I went backwards into the water, briefly, with my eyes shut and my nose plugged but there was no darkness...all I saw and felt was light. Beautiful white light. In my mind, under the water, I said to myself, "Now others know you walk in the light....Now."

Thank you, Riverview....which would include the pastors that teach us, Chuck who helped me sort out some stuff, and my friends who really are the coolest.

Thank you, Family for coming and supporting me even if you had reservations.

Thank you, Best Friends who felt convicted to drive all that way to see me take such a major step.

Thank You, God, for all of them...and of course, Your son...who is You...I'm still trying to sort that out...but also thank You for the warm water.

Sunday Tears

I feel like I cried all day Sunday, but I'm sure I laughed a few times. It started when Noel got up to deliver his message. He announced that Dan's dad passed away that morning. I looked at Joey, looked back at Noel, looked at Joey, looked back at Noel...for some reason I was confused. I didn't understand. I kept telling Joey, "I don't understand." Then, it started to sink in and...well...yeah. I had to leave for a minute to pull it together (and to get us some tissue). I could tell Noel was feeling it, too. He had just found out two minutes before. Of course, Noel had perspective which we needed to be reminded of...so he reminded us. He taught about giving up your life in order to gain it. The message made me feel that there was no way I could ever live up to these expectations. Maybe I'll blog about the message at a later time. Right now I want to blog about crying.

The second time I started crying was when Noel talked about giving up his dream of planting a church. I turned to Joey and whispered, "What if Grace and Noel had left to plant a church before I got here? Would I still be here?" That is something crazy for me (pastors, close your eyes :). What if...I love that little game we play with ourselves. Still, everything was exactly as it should have been when I started going to Riverview. God had it lined up. He knew it would take someone crazy to open my heart....but it really hit me hard and I felt gratitude for all God has done for me through my pastors and other people. So, I started crying.

And then Dana's story was told. It was told in a way that I forgot I had written it. I bowed my head and just listened. Joey whispered, "you made everyone cry, Holly." I looked up and saw how powerful the story had been. I saw that it moved people, made people think. It made me think and re-think. I shared the CD with Dana. She is so honored that the trials she went through can possibly help other people.

I know I'm not supposed to think my church is the coolest...but it is. I know I can think God is the coolest. And he is.

Last Saturday

Saturday was a good day.

Joey brought the pups over to my sister’s and the whole family (excluding my sis—she was recovering from an infected arm in the hospital) cleaned the house. We grilled out for lunch, got rid of a lot of stuff, and actually had fun. When the ice cream dude pulled up, we all got a yummy treat. The Heikkinen’s were also out enjoying the beautiful weather. Little Cole tugged on my pant leg and pointed to the ice cream he wanted. “Uh.” That was what he said. He tugged on my pant leg again because he needed the ice cream opened. “Uh.” Such a serious, little guy.

That evening, Joey and my brother-in-law loaded up Joey’s basketball hoop into my brother-in-law’s trailer. Then we took the kids and drove up to Dewitt to see the Mazur’s. They live out in the country but not too far from the city (I like that kind of country). It was a nice drive and a warm welcome. I truly enjoy Kate and Brent and the kids….well…they are so adorable. Even when Luke tries to escape his bath and Ruth just doesn’t know what she wants, they are such cuties. I’ve really taken to Amber. She is such a special girl. She made Joey and I a card thanking us for the basketball hoop. I have it hanging next to my desk. It makes me smile. I look forward to more fun times with the Mazur's :)

Fish

My fish died Tuesday. His name was McNeil. He died of constipation. I'm told there was nothing I could have really done.

The other fish are dying one by one, also. Our supervisor got them for us to bring up morale. Now he's telling us we only get three minutes for bereavement.

I got an 88%

Try this test

Work

Dana: High healed shoes aren't a great idea half way through the day.
Jim (our supervisor): I don't know, I only wear them at night.

Written with her permission :o)

Her name is Dana. She is a month older than I, very happily married, a co-worker, and a new Christ follower. Dana is also my roommate’s best friend since high school. She sits a row over from me and is definitely an innovative thinker, challenging the old system of how we do things here at Valassis. More and more, we have confided in each other and turned to one another for support. I’ve written about her before, telling about the excitement of watching a new Christian get all fired up for God. Tami and I invited Dana to our weekly Purpose Driven Lunch and she accepted, full of enthusiasm. It was during our first meeting last week that I really got to know Dana and I clearly saw God’s work in her life.

Dana grew up Catholic with mom, dad, and little sister, Lauren. Her parents divorced when Dana was out of high school but the two remained friends. She was engaged to a man who had no background in God, church, religion, or Christ…but they love each other deeply. Her job at Chrysler was somewhat fulfilling but so far from her home. This was Dana’s world: happy, fulfilled, stable.

On September 24, 2002, Dana’s father sat down to lunch with a friend and then collapsed. He was rushed to ER where it was determined that he had a stroke. He couldn’t walk, could no longer communicate well, and became a shadow of the man he had been. While her father was still in the hospital, Dana had to make a decision: get married without him present or postpone. She and Jeff talked it over and married that November. They didn’t know when he would get better…if he would get better so they moved forward.

In February, the hospital wanted to release her father from the hospital. No one knew where he should live. As scared as she was, Dana stepped up and said, “I’ll take Dad.” She quit her job at Chrysler and turned her dining room into a mini hospital room. She became her father’s caretaker. Weeks went by with Dana trying to help her dad. She spoke to him, took him to the park, fed him and held his hand. He had been her best friend growing up. She couldn’t turn her back on him now. Occasionally, her mother would visit and Lauren would come home from college to help out on the weekends. Mostly, Dana was on her own. She got to the point where she would wake up in the morning, dreading the daylight, crying for her father and for her freedom. She was 27-years-old and newly married. She felt she should be living it up, having the time of her life, hanging out with friends…it wasn’t supposed to be this way. But every morning and every night, Dana’s father would manage to say, “thank you so much for doing this…I’ll never forget you.” It kept her going.

Her father was getting worse. Dana felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. A visit from a friend probably saved her. Dana unloaded all that she was feeling. This friend turned to her and said, “Dana, it isn’t about you. You are figuring out something most people never understand. This world isn’t about you. It is about God and God needs you to help your father.” Dana swallowed her feelings, stood up to the emptiness, and gave her all as her father slipped away. He died a year and an hour to the day he had the stroke: September 24, 2003.

Dana felt some relief because her dad wasn’t suffering anymore but now the emptiness of not having her father made her ache. She knew she needed something else, something that would fulfill her like nothing else could. Something to fill a void. She debated going back to her Catholic church but felt they had turned their back on her when she needed them most. She had attended some Christian church camps in high school but wasn’t really sure where to turn.

Dana started working at Valassis in July of 2004. I already knew Dana but it took awhile for the rest to get to know her well. It wasn’t until she was seated next to Jaime that things really started to change. Jaime, a Christian sista, listened to Dana’s daily stories and could see that she wanted more, needed more. She began to pray for Dana and then one day, while they were talking, I walked over and started blabbing about how cool God is. We encouraged Dana and then Jaime found the right moment to invite her to Genesis Church.

“So far so good,” Dana said. “Even Jeff looks forward to going, though I’m not going to push him. This is a huge step for us.”

Dana took a deep breath at this point in the story. It was a tough one to tell. She laughed and said, “you know, I’m a child development major and here I am making coupons!” Tami and I laughed. “You just don’t know,” she continued, “what you are really capable of until you are faced with it. I never thought I could take care of my father and watch him die but somehow I did it. It’s true. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You just don’t know you can handle it until He gives it to you.” “That’s how we grow, isn’t it?” I asked. She nodded.

It is no accident that Dana works at Valassis. True, her best friend is a supervisor here. Still, it makes so much sense. Dana was trying to find God but she didn’t know what He was like or where He was or how she would recognize Him. So God helped her by placing her in the middle of “Christian-ville” here at Valassis…because He loves her that much. And the void?

“It’s gone,” Dana smiled.

I had hoped they were kidding about making a movie....uh-oh....I'm screwed...

Endings

There have been so many high-profile, public deaths lately....Terri, the pope, Jessica...many more. I haven't said much about these stories, at least, on my blog. I will probably be commenting, though, now that the stories have quieted down. Kelly wrote a touching summary of working on the Jessica Lunsford case. Check it out if you get a chance. I may have said it before, but I really think God wants she and Chris down there to help people.

New Mom

I came into work this morning, and there was a fishbowl with a little goldfish inside, sitting on my desk! I gasped, feeling slightly nervous but overall excited. Everyone got them for our new initiative: Fish Philosophy. The Fish Philosophy is "Have Fun! Choose Your Attitude! Make Someone's Day! Be There!" What a great idea...except I'm a worried new mom. My fish wasn't moving much and then he started getting really hyper, freaking out. I think he's having a hard time pooing. Also, I'm constantly wondering if he's bored, sick, upset, constipated, hungry...and I've only had him for half an hour. Amy brought her fish over to play but they do not seem interested in each other. Oh well.

Now I have to come up with a name. I'm trying to decide between Manuel, Maverick, Moses, or Memphis. I guess I'm leaning toward a "M" name. Any thoughts?

This makes our mission trip to Germany even more interesting...

My Early 20s

I met BT my freshman year of college. I vaguely remember the introductions which took place in the Towers (dorms at CMU) but it made more of an impression on him. We both lived in Saxe Hall our Sophomore year and were introduced again. His roommate was a friend of the guy across the hall from my room. BT knocked on my door one night and asked if I wanted to go see Ace Ventura Pet Detective Part 2. Uh…no. It wasn’t just the offer to go see a sucky movie that caused me to say no. I had a boyfriend at the time who was still finishing up high school in Holland. BT moved on to another girl and all was well. We hung out casually in the cafeteria and in his dorm room but nothing about him motivated me to want to date him.

Junior year of college recap: broke up with boyfriend while I was living with 3 guys, joined a sorority to meet new people, signed my major which was broadcasting, proceeded to make friends in the department, got involved in student radio and television, started dating one of my roommates and got a job at the Public Broadcasting station. My new boyfriend was 22 and I would go to the bar with him. Of course, I had a big huge “X” on my hand indicating I was underage but I still went with him. BT was at the bar one night. He had a fake ID and asked if I wanted a drink. I laughed, explaining I was with someone and no, I couldn’t drink. Something about BT was different that night. He was flirty and bold. His risk taking made an impression on me.

The second semester of my senior year—I was heartbroken and depressed. I had to find a job soon as graduation was right around the corner. My boyfriend and I had broken up but the new guy I had fallen for wanted nothing to do with me. BT walked in the bar as I sat there with a friend. He pulled up a stool next to mine and we talked all night. He asked me out to dinner and I finally said yes. It only took me all of college to say do it.

I was really unsure about this guy at first but his confidence was charming. He planned dinners for us and liked to surprise me. For the first time, I was in a real relationship. We didn’t fight. We liked to be together. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. It was an awesome time in my life. He was Lebanese and catholic. The whole thing amazed me.

After graduation, he went back to his parent’s house in Novi and started working for a recruiting company. I went back to Lansing working at meaningless jobs trying to save money. We visited each other every other weekend. When a company in Southfield, MI offered me a job, I jumped at the chance. It didn’t matter that they paid me in dirt. It didn’t matter that my office was behind the filing cabinets. It didn’t matter that they didn’t even give me a computer. It didn’t matter that I had to live with my sorority sister’s parents. None of this mattered because I was closer to BT.

We had a rocky first year. I moved into my own apartment about three miles from his parent’s house. We saw each other quite a bit and tension started to work its way into our relationship. We hit our one year mark and BT broke up with me. He said it was all getting too serious for him. I was devastated and tried to accept it. A month past and just as I was starting to pick myself up, he came back.

We fought more than we used to which may have led to the second breakup, a year after the first one. Same story: I was devastated, he just wanted space and we ended up at a party together…and leaving together. By the summer of 2000, it seemed we were going to be okay. But then there was the bachelor party in Vegas…and I just couldn’t handle the stories circulating among our friends. Third time—breakup. This time, I wasn’t so heartbroken. At first, I was but after a couple of weeks, I was out on the town with a new set of friends. My old set of friends and I actually became stronger friends, too. I got ambitious. I quit my job and got a new one at Ford. Things were looking awesome for me…and of course that attracted BT. He missed me but when he tried to come back this time, I had some conditions: we were going to stay together no matter what. If he didn’t think he was going to marry me, I wanted him gone. For the first time, BT said he did want to marry me and we talked about a two year plan. I was giddy.

BT bought a house in Berkley, about 25 minutes away from my apartment. My lease was up so I moved to Ferndale, right down the road from him. This was the golden era of our relationship. We both had the things we liked to do separately and the stuff we had together. For the most part, I was his wife…most likely in God’s eyes. He and his friends started a band. I was their manager. We had so much fun…but there was a lot of selfishness in both of us.

During the spring and summer of 2001, I felt a tug at my heart. I wanted to find a church for us because I wasn’t sure I could go to the Catholic Church his parents’ went to. I started researching different religions and we discussed them. He was finally open to finding a church we both liked…but I was pretty much on my own for doing the leg-work. I remember making a resolution at the beginning of 2002. I wanted to go to a different church each Sunday until I found one I liked. I think September 11th furthered the need to have God in my life. I went to one. Just one church. It was a Universal church and the lady taught about Christ, Buddha and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t understand. Here is the scary part: I liked it. But BT would not go with me the following weekend. God in action J I went to a Pentecostal church with my co-worker. I mostly liked it…well, just the message. I bought a tape of the sermon and played it for BT the same day. He liked it, too but I noticed he was dragging his feet. He didn’t want to give up the Arabic speaking Catholic church.

We talked about moving in together when my lease was up in the fall of 2002. I moved a bunch of my stuff into his house and we set up a budget of who would pay what. I was excited for this next, big move. I spent less and less time in my apartment and pretty much lived with BT. But I found myself increasingly alone. BT was working some odd jobs and was obsessed with making a million…or at least a lot of money. His family was successful and he saw success as having a lot of cash. But I wanted heart…more than he was willing to give.

For some weird reason, I was listening to Dr. Laura a lot at that time. She was changing my views. She was urging me not to be a “shack-up hunny.” Somehow, it all started coming undone in May 2002. BT went to stay in Lebanon for a month. I was relieved. It gave me time to think. I found myself picking up apartment guides and researching new jobs. I took a leap and applied to a coupon making company. I wanted something else. I wanted more. I remember praying hard at that time, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “God, please help me figure this out. Am I supposed to be with him?”

BT came back from Lebanon. He was different. He seemed anti-American and more driven to make money. We had heated arguments. I was demanding. He was independent. I spent more time at my apartment. We wouldn’t speak for a few days at a time. But I also got the job at Val which was 20 minutes away in Livonia. The new job boosted my self-esteem. I made a bold move to Novi in September 2002. God was answering my prayers but I didn’t know it because I didn’t know Him.

BT and I continued our downward slide but God had plans for both of us and it was going to be a little painful but we were going to turn out better than before.