Attention! Pay Attention!

Lately, self doubt has crept into my being. I get a new project at work, perform well, and then something either in my control or out of my control happens. All of this causes me to second guess myself. I get so angry at me. Why didn’t I notice the fold was off? Why didn’t I know you aren’t supposed to varnish both sides of the piece if a sample needs to glue in? Why didn’t I notice the wrong barcode printed? Why didn’t I pay attention to the color? Ugh. Yeah. The crap part of it is that upper management notices. I flat out asked my supervisor “do you consider me an average TSR?” He thought for a minute and said, “as far as performance goes, yes but as for issues surrounding the job…no. You are below average.” He wants to help me be successful in this position. I told him I may never be. This might not be the right fit. I also said I wanted to start looking at other positions in the company. I don’t think he liked that much. I just don’t feel happy when I’m here. And then there is this self doubt thing…. Okay. Time for a story.
Thursday before the movie started, Joey won first place for his Darth Vader costume. His prize was a talking Yoda doll. He showed it to me. I wasn’t too impressed but was proud of him. He worked really hard on that costume. As we are leaving the theater after the movie, Joey handed Yoda to me but my nephew Bradley took it. As we walked out of the theater, Joey started performing for all of the fans waiting in line. One of his best friends from high school was in line and Joey took Yoda from Bradley to show his friends. I stood there for a moment and then decided to go to the bathroom. A moment or two later, Joey’s mom walks into the bathroom. “There you are, Holly Girl,” she said. We then met Brad and Joey outside of the restroom and worked our way out to the front of the building where a few more pictures were taken. Joey walked Brad and I to my car and then he asked the question, “Where’s Yoda?”
Me: I don’t have it.
Brad: I don’t have it, either.
Joey: Maybe my mom has it.
We all went our separate ways. Later on, Joey called to ask if I was sure Yoda wasn’t in my car. I checked it out. No Yoda. Joey became really upset and frustrated. He said that his friend Ben, his mom, and Bradley all said that I was carrying Yoda. I was dumbfounded. Huh? I never touched the doll. I felt so confused and I started doubting myself. If all of these people said I had it…I must have had it and left it in the bathroom…but I know I didn’t…but maybe I did….God, this is just like being at work. I can’t get away from it.

My cousin, who is head of security at Celebration Cinema, called me and said Yoda had been found near the THX. He wasn’t sure if it was in the bathroom, just near the THX. So we still didn’t know who left Yoda behind. And why was it a big deal? Why couldn’t I let it go? Because of the scorecard we keep here at work. It was spilling over into my life.

I was thinking about all of this as I flushed my step-dad’s toilet (wait, I’m going somewhere with this). “What the---? He has a push button flusher! I’ve never noticed before! My attention to detail does suck! I suck! I’m losing my mind!” Then, I called Dean into the bathroom. “You’ve never noticed that in the 10 years we’ve lived here, Holly?” he said. I shook my head. “Ha! That’s because I changed it today. The handle broke this morning.” A huge wave of relief came over me. I do notice things. In fact, I notice some of the smallest things. My brain is only human, though. I can’t notice everything and keep track of things all the time. But I really feel like God was trying to say, “Slow down, Kid. You’re not as bad as you think. You’re not as bad as they think.”

The next day, I went to my sister’s and Bradley was home sick with a sinus infection. “Um, Holly, I remembered something last night.” “What?” “Well, I remember that I put Yoda down on the concession stand. I was the one who lost him.” “You are kidding me.” “No.” “Oh, well, Bradley,” I said, “I’m on my way to pick Yoda up from Celebration. Don’t beat yourself up over leaving him there.” Yeah, don’t beat yourself up.