The Baby

I like being the youngest. I really do. It used to be a small sore spot because the oldest gets the cool hand me downs from our ancestors. I quit caring about that a few years ago because if I get a serving dish that was my great-grandma’s…then, cool, but if not, so what. Like I said, the only thing I want to take to heaven is Blanket. Digressing….

I woke up Sunday morning and stumbled out of my bedroom. My mom came out of her room and happily chirped, “Hi, Baby.” I replied, “Hi, mama.” It made me feel good that she was so happy to see me. My mom has worked in the same hair salon for 25 years. At her work, the women (who have pretty much known me my whole life) refer to me as “the baby.” I don’t take that to mean I am immature or whiney (cuz, hey, that’s not me at all…well, not at her work…unless she cuts my hair too short or something), just that I am the youngest.

My step-mom and dad took me out to dinner last night. They had been wanting to take me to Bravo for letting them computer-sit (really, they didn’t have to repay me in any way but they kept insisting…I think they were using it as an excuse to go to Bravo). After we were finished, Christine and I wanted to check out Maggie Moos. My father, who seems to be getting grumpy, said, “we have 1700 gallons of ice cream at home. The leftovers will spoil if we keep them in the car too long. Fine, I’m going to go check out the prices at Mitchell’s Fish Market (meaning—I’m having a beer).” Sooo, he gave us 15 minutes but since we had so much time, we went to the jewelry store and after that, a clothing store. We had a lot of fun, laughing together. We made it back to Maggie Moos in 15 minutes with my dad grumbling as he walked toward us with a Mitchell’s menu in his hand.

“Do you know how much it costs to get a salmon steak with mashed potatoes? Guess?!!?”
“Whoa, dad. I don’t know.”
“$25! Can you believe that?! Guess how much it costs for a lobster tail and steak?”
“Ummmm….$40?” “Can you believe these prices?! Hello, folks (he loves to say that), this isn’t Chicago. It’s Lansing, MI!”
Christine and I exchanged looks. “He sounds like Grandma,” I said.

Since I’m not a big ice cream fan, we decided not to get any (besides, my parents apparently have 1700 gallons at home). So we turned to leave and…out of the corner of my eye…I saw a flavor that jumped out at me. I had to try it. Loved it! Bought it! My dad claimed to be too full to try this ice cream but after he did, he agreed it was one of the best ice cream flavors he’s ever had (you can see how hard it is to please him J). Any guesses as to what the ice cream flavor was? It really completes my life…

Anyhow, I’ve noticed the amount of time I’ve been spending with my parents over the past months. More than I have since I left…high school probably. Perhaps this is the positive side of me being unmarried…single…lonely (sob). I know this time with them won’t last forever so I’m going to love it right now.

Long Story

I just got back from the movies. Took Lyndsay, my 8-year-old niece, to see March of the Penguins. I was slightly bored. She was entirely bored. We made it through, though. The best part for her (other than the end) was the preview for Corpse Bride, which doesn't look to child freindly to me. On the way out to the car, she said, "I can't wait to see Corporate Bride." I laughed and then explained the difference between the two.

Me: Where does your soul go when you die?
L: Ummmm....oh, heaven.
H: Where does your body go?
L: It stays here and does nothing.
H: Right, that is a corpse. It is the shell we leave behind but when we get to heaven, God gives us a new body.
L: He does?!?! That is so cool!
H: Yeah. And then when Jesus comes back, we are reunited with our old body again...or something like that.
L: Ewww....
H: No, I don't think our body will be bad.
L: That is all so cool! I wonder when Jesus is coming back...
H: So does everyone else but if anyone ever tells you they know, they are lying to you. Nobody knows except God. Jesus didn't even know. In fact, when I was in college, there was this group of people who started following this guy around. He convinced them that Jesus was coming back but they had to catch this comet...(suddenly, I realized this wasn't a great topic for an 8-year-old)...so anyway, nobody knows. Not your pastor, not my pastor.
L: Not Noel?
H: Nope. What will you do if Noel tells you he knows when Jesus is coming back?
L: Tell him, "Dream on. No one knows that....Aunt Holly?"
H: Yes
L: Some people say Jesus and God are the same person. That's insane!
This is where I almost drove the car into the nearest parking lot. I felt this immense feeling, like "wow. This little girl has so much to learn. Who is teaching her? Who is answering her questions? Damn...right now...it's me...Lord, what if I screw this up...."
H: He is! Jesus is God.
L: Wait a minute, hold on. You just said that the only one who knows when Jesus is coming back is God. But now you're saying they are the same...huh?
H: It is so complicated and I don't even fully understand.

I took a deep breath hoping the right words would come to me...some way to explain it to an 8-year-old.

H: You know how easy it is for us to have babies?
L: Uh...no.
H: What I mean is...you meet a guy, you date, you get married, have a nice vacation in Hawaii, buy a little house, go to work every day, come home, feel safe and protected from intruders and the weather...then you have a baby.
L: No way!
H: What I mean is...it is so much easier for us to have kids. Look what the penguins have to go through! They have to walk 70 miles, pick a mate, lay an egg, and then try to survive 100 degrees below zero. You saw how complicated God makes their process to reproduce. God is creative. You can't explain why. There isn't really an answer. It is something we won't fully understand.
L: Okay, so God made Jesus...
H: Uh....well...this is tough to explain. God and Jesus are the same but when God decided to come to earth as Jesus, it was like He was in another role...a human role. Because He is God, He was able to be in heaven as the father and down here on earth as the son. How many roles do you play in your life?
L: A lot, I guess.
H: You're a sister...
L: An annoying sister (she smiles).
H: You're a niece and a daughter and what are you to Grandpa Dean and Nana?
L: A granddaughter!
H: Right, and when you go to school, what kind of role are you then?
L: Student!
H: Right, so you see you're still the same person but you can play different roles. God being Jesus and Jesus being God...kind of like that....kind of....but really, I can't explain it well. Go ask your neighbor next time you see him.
L: Okay. Aunt Holly? What happened to those people who tried to catch the comet?
H: (Laughs) You noticed that I changed the subject, huh? Well...remember what happened to those baby penguins when they were left out in the cold?
L: Ewww...yeah....
H: Yeah. Let's just say those people were left out in the cold. Just don't follow anyone who claims to know when Jesus is coming back.
L: Ok

So, yeah. I'm probably in big trouble tomorrow when Lyn calls me and says Lyndsay had nightmares last night. I wrote out this whole conversation to help me rehash, try to figure out what I could have said better. Truth is that its difficult to expain something you don't fully understand.

PS: I love staying at my mom's on the weekends. We teased Dean until we were both laughing so hard. Fun times...
H

Ultimate Authority

I have ultimate authority over myself…right? I mean, I control what I do, how I act, what clothes to wear, who to pick on... Yes, I have ultimate authority! I am in the driver’s seat! Bow down to me and my ways of thinking, you heathens. None of you really know how to live your lives but I know how you should carry out your existence. That’s right! Do you know how rude it is to crack your gum? It's as disgusting as when you don't wipe down the eliptical trainer after you're finished. Please, if you don’t know how to drive, pull over. Don’t upset me by driving so slowly. And please! If you have 13 items, do not use the self check-out lane! You are holding up my life!!! Get out of the way! I’m on a roll here. I spend my money on what I want. Buy now, pay later. I “test-drive” the car before I “purchase” it. How else am I going to know? Hey everyone! I’m feeling good…let’s get wasted!!! Whoo-hoo!

Wow. I had to get all of that out of my system. See, that is me. The me that hides deep down and wants to spring out and slap people up. That is the me I’ve grown up with, gotten to know, and became fond of. That is me without Christ.

I made an important decision about 2 and a half years ago. I decided to give God the ultimate authority. After all, he is the “perfect standard.” He isn’t going to steer us down the wrong roads. I read a chapter in my weekly prayer group this afternoon. This chapter reminded me that I have given up ultimate authority.

“Many of our troubles occur because we base our choices on unreliable authorities: culture (“everyone is doing it”), tradition (we’ve always done it), reason (it seemed logical) or emotion (it just felt right).” But if we listen to the Lord, we will have the right answer every single time.

Does this mean that I am denying the real me? No. Does this mean I succeed all of the time? Um.no. What has changed is where my focus lies. I still think about self a lot but I go to God. I look to Him for answers. I have learned to use prayer and the bible, along with council to help me with all of my little issues.

I don’t agree with everything in the Bible but I choose to trust God on it. This doesn’t mean I have restrained myself from doing certain things but in many, many ways, I feel free NOT to sin anymore. This doesn’t mean I have a new personality. What it means is that I have a choice: do I go down the road that is always right, but unpopular? Or go down my own path which will probably lead to more selfish destruction? I’m still the same…but values have changed, authority has changed. God is not my co-pilot. He is the pilot and I fly with Him.

Oh, and I still get annoyed. Please, wipe down the eliptical trainer when you're finished.

Blogging

It has been almost a year since I started blogging so I decided to change things up a bit (Kell, thanks for the inspiration). Perhaps I’ll become more driven to have my own web page and design in this coming year. Yeah, right. I never thought I would be a blogger. I like to read them but thought my ideas were rather boring (nods from various people). I find comfort in writing on this thing. I’m able to stay in touch with people far away and babble on when God works in my life. I have abused this blog by writing things too private. I have abused this blog by not writing what was in my heart. I still struggle with knowing what to say and not to say. I still struggle with putting it all out there on the web for others to find (I’m thinking about making this an SFTP). Though, I’m glad I was convinced to start this thing which has bridged gaps and formed friendships between myself and others. It has also, I hope, showed the continuous work God has for me, through me, and in me.

Appearences

Andy and I were riding the L and I took notice of some older women sitting in front of us. They were on their way to the Cubbies game and talking about how much they just loved the smell of the ball park and couldn’t wait to have a beer. I noticed one of the women was wearing a shirt that said, “Shut up and drink your beer.” They didn’t seem like a rough crowd or anything. In fact, they seemed to be upper middle class women…just out to have a good time in Chicago. But I formed an opinion about them. Their actions seemed masculine, none were wearing wedding rings, their hair was short…you get where I’m going with this, right? We were nearing Addison (our stop) when my eyes rested on one of those plastic wrist bands one woman was wearing. I tried desperately to read it but the only word I could see was “Him.” Hmmm…him, who? Wait…could it be….Him? No…. Then I got another look at the bracelet and saw the word “for.” For Him. Ugh. What is the first word?! The L was coming to stop just as the bracelet turned and I saw the word “Live.” Live For Him. I became so excited I nearly leapt at her as I rose to leave. “Excuse me,” I said, “your bracelet…what does it say?” “Live for Him.” “Who is him?” I asked with a small smile. She returned the smile and said, “Christ.” I felt so happy, pleased, excited at the same time. “I’ve never seen a bracelet like that one. I really like it…oh, and I do…live for Him.” She smiled at me and before I knew it, she whipped the bracelet off her wrist, handed it to me and said, “Good. Take it. I have more at home.” I had time to spit out a “thank you so much” and then we went our separate ways. My first thought was that I would wear this bracelet until someone else asked me about it. Then, hopefully, I’ll pass it on. My second thought was how I had judged her by her appearance. The moment I realized she was a Christian, everything else melted away. I have discovered that when you find another Christian and you both realize it, a spark ignites. It always happens. “You’re a Christ Follower?” “You’re a believer?” “You’re saved?” I dig it when people ask me these questions. You find that you share something so deep with someone else. It is totally different than, “Oh! You’re a Parrothead! So am I!” It is a deeper connection. A deeper feeling.

Chicago Highlights

Highlights from my trip to Chicago this weekend (pictures to be posted by the end of the week):

*Train ride there—my 11th grade English Lit teacher was also traveling to Chicago with her husband. I felt relieved not to be completely alone. Also, the train stopped over the crossing in Charlotte, blocking traffic by the Workbench. I looked down at people who were pretty ticked off.

*Cereality—I must go there every time I’m in Chicago. Get off the train, cross the bridge, go down a block and you’re there. I didn’t order anything too fun but it was yummy: oatmeal squares with blueberries. Andy got Apple Jacks with marshmallows or something. Then, we took it outside and enjoyed the scenery as we ate.

*Castaways—a bar (shaped like a boat) on the beach. Excellent view. Excellent T-shirts. Some examples: Water is $3 or 100 yards east. Bathroom is downstairs or 100 yards east.

*Dinner at a fancy shmancy place that I can’t remember the name of but know it was on the Navy Pier. Of course, we were really gussied up and feeling elite…until the bill came. Here’s to the 11% city tax.

*Walked around Navy Pier and went up in the Ferris Wheel. Absolutely beautiful at night, although…I think the older I get, the more I fear heights. What’s the deal? What happened to my fearless teen years? Grrr….

*Watched Shrek 2. That is a funny, funny movie, although…I laughed harder the first time I saw it. Still, Andy was able to fill me in on a couple of other movie references I didn’t know.

*Went to H&M on Michigan Ave. Bought another pair of sunglasses. Walked up and down MI Ave and then rode the “L” back to Andy’s. He lives in a nice apartment 2 blocks from Wrigley. The L passes next to his shower window. You get used to it.

*Grilled out and walked to the game. It was pretty fun. I paid attention the entire time and really got into it. Cubs lose, Cubs lose. Oh well.

*Went to the Lincoln Park taste fest which turned into the Lincoln Park over capacity and drunkenness fest. We left after an hour. Walked alllll the way back, although I’m thinking it might have been the same distance we walked in Germany the night we were rejected from the bar. This time, a homeless guy (who was drunk) tried to hug me. Andy pushed him off me and then I laughed. Not sure why. I wasn’t really that scared.

*Watched Troy. It was long. Some parts I couldn’t buy into though I’m pretty sure they were added in by Hollywood.

*Got Chai from Starbucks Sunday morning and made it down to the John Hancock building before the long lines formed. The view was pretty cool and I liked it better than the Sears Tower. Of course, I had morbid thoughts while we were up there (shudders).

*Ate at Gino’s. First ones in the door. Very good deep dish pizza. When we left, there was a line out the door.

*Andy dropped me off at the train station. Couldn’t find my gate. Began to panic. Found a guy who helped me out. People were already in line to board. I got a good seat and read the new Harry Potter book almost the whole way home. When we got to Charlotte, I glanced out the window, familiar with the roads we were passing over. I smiled, a big smile, and observed the backyards of people. There were lots of deer running around in the fields. I caught a glimpse of a buck in a cornfield. All you could see was his face and his antlers…just staring at our train as we sped by. Very cool.

*I’m glad to be home but want to take Brad and Lynds back to Chicago, hopefully in September.

If you can't get to the real thing...

...visit this action packed ancient adventure (thanks for looking out for me, Kell).

Since Yi borrowed something from me yesterday, I'm borrowing this from her. She is right. It is addicting. My score was 86%. Average error is 25 miles and it took me 328 seconds.

I have a friend. Her name is Kate. Kate is cool. Way cool. She makes me laugh, a lot. This is Kate's daughter, Ruth. A couple Sundays ago, I saw the Mazurs on the other side of the church. I thought Ruth had little pig tails in but once we got closer, I realized she did not. I told Kate this and she said, "Oh, I don't know Holly, I might need your help with that." Last Sunday, I stood with the rest of the Germany team to recount our mission trip. As I was speaking, I saw the Mazurs, in their usual spot but I almost lost it because I saw not only the daughter wearing mini pig-tails, but the mother, too. Only Kate could convey an inside joke to me the way she did. Love it, Kate!

Ruth and her big sis, Amber. Isn't Ruth's hair cute!

Kate and Luke

Luke and Ruth

I'm posting this because it is oh, so cute. I used to have this blanket I carried everywhere. Couldn't sleep without you (yes, that is a cat and yes it is alive (in the picture, that is)).

Ha! Some things never change... My mom still has to steal it on the weekends to wash it.

Recently, my friend Chuck posted pictures of the little girl he sponsors. I, too, have a little boy. His name is Melvin and he lives in Honduras. I've been sponsoring him for about a year and a half. Here's the story:
I was driving into work one morning, listening the D-town Christian radio station. The announcer said they had a little boy who needed a sponsor. I listened, intently, because I had been wanting to sponsor a kid for awhile. The announcer said the boy's name was Melvin (that's cute), he lives in Honduras (never been), he is 4-years-old (ohhhh), and his birthday is August 17th. "Stop. Hold up. August 17th? That's Kim's birthday. Is this a sign, God? Should I sponsor him?"

I never really test God like this but I said, "okay, Lord. You and I both know how bad the parking sucks at work. IF I get there and there happens to be a front row parking spot available...I'll know this is the kid for me. I'll take it as a sign" I got to work and call it coincidence but there was a front row spot open. I raced inside, called the station, and sponsored Melvin.

This picture is of Melvin when he was 4-years-old. Krissie said it looks like he is wearing a Tommy Hilfiger shirt. I doubt it. I write to Melvin and his family but the boy cannot write back, yet. I sent him some stickers and coloring books for Christmas (we have a limit on what we can send). I received a letter from Melvin's dad about a month later:

Blessed Sponsor,
Everyone is in good health. The boy is fine and starts Kinder soon. Thank you for the stickers. Our crops are failing.

Whoa. Wish I could send them some fertilizer...or food but hey, stickers and my monthly check will have to do. God bless them.

Melvin 5-years-old

My step-mom and I after the 5k. I've got an 8k coming up on September 18th. Going to try to get my friend Suzanne in on that one (come on, Suz. One lap around Lake Lansing...no big deal).

After the 5K hanging at Ohhh La La.

I know I've posted this before but I just wanted to share the difference between my baby dedication and my adult baptism: I remember it and I went under water.

I never posted pictures from my baptism. Here are a few. I'm still waiting for the really good ones (ahem....Noel?). This is me telling why I was going to be baptised.

Scary Pastor

Noel, Steve and I before they held me under. Why am I laughing? Because one of them (Noel I think) said, "Holly Beavers..." and I said, "yeah?" like I didn't know they were about to baptize me or something. I guess you had to be there.

I'm baptized!

American German Missionary

For those that don't know, we left someone behind on our trip. This was done on purpose of course. Her blog is so cool. It shows so many struggles of living and adapting to a foreign country. Also, it reveals the glory she finds in God. She has managed to meet many people and follow up on the some of the people we met while we were there. Recently, Brandi posted a list of differences in living a German life. These difference are also what I experienced while there. I even added some more in the comments.

Spartan Stadium was ranked 5th in this poll. Do you agree with the other standings?

Honesty and Kindness

I just read something cool in my little Daily Bread booklet:

Honest people can be cruel. Kind people may be soft and not concerned enough about righteousness. But when you put honesty and kindness together, you have a wonderful pair that honors God and blesses others. Tact is the ability to make a point without making an enemy.
–Herb Vander Lugt

It reminded me of Saturday at Riv. Someone snapped at me. I’ve always viewed this person as harsh though others have said this person is just “real” and “honest.” Still, even the person next to me said, “whoa. He just yelled at you.” Yeah, and it hurt but the next day I just smiled at him.

This statement by Herb also reminded me of the times I snapped at people. Yes. It happens. I think we should apologize right away for doing it, though. Funny how you think Christians are supposed to be nicey nice all the time. I’m not. But I need and appreciate this reminder.

What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar. Proverbs 19:22

There is a thunderstorm outside. I love it. Everyone is complaining about the weather. I love it. It surprises me when I hear the weather forecasters say, “Unfortunately, we are going to have some major storms today.” Give me a good, dramatic storm over a boring sunny day anytime. Unless I have plans to be outside of course.

On another note, I am finished reading “You: The Owner’s Manual” written by two doctors. This book has been sweet and has helped me make some healthy changes. The book is full of awesome facts, too. Here are some:
The secret to being young is having young arteries. They list many ways on how to maintain healthy arteries.
Training for marathons is not healthy.
High protein diets can accelerate bone loss. So does caffeine.
Men have an enzyme that metabolizes half the alcohol they drink before it even hits the bloodstream. Women don’t have as much of that enzyme in their gut wall or blood.
We all produce one to three pints of gas daily.
Stop ingesting High Fructose Corn Syrup—it confuses your stomach into thinking it is hungry so you overeat
Flossing is a pain so to keep things easy, live by this rule: only floss the teeth you want to keep.
Vegetarians who haven’t eaten meat in a long time don’t like it if they try it again because they don’t secrete the right mix of enzymes from the salivary glands to help it digest. If feels heavy, doesn’t digest as well so you don’t feel good and don’t enjoy it.
Stop eating white rice and white bread. Switch to whole grains. Be smart about your carbs.

I’ve been doing a pretty good job at maintaining a healthy diet. I ate an egg salad sandwich on whole grain bread and drank some water. Then I drove to Akasaka and ordered some white rice with soy sauce. I suck.

A story from Dana:

“So I went to Kohl’s on Friday and I saw this Asian woman in the parking lot. She was tiny, maybe 100 pounds but the reason I noticed her was because she was dressed in pink…from head to toe. She had on a pink shirt, pink pants, pink rhinestone glasses…all pink. Anyhow, she ran up to me and I thought she was going to ask me for the time or a question about the store. Instead she said, ‘Do you believe in Jesus Christ?’ I was a little stunned but I smiled and said, ‘Yes, I do.’ She looked at me, surprised. ‘Well, He died for you sins, you know,’ she went on. ‘Yes,’ I said confidently with a smile, ‘I know.’ ‘Oh, ok,’ she said as she scurried into the store. Holly, I don’t know why but I thought about you and your friends on the mission trip."

Everyone has their own mission...which is why I bought this shirt.

Dan has really got me thinking about missions. I made some commitments on Sunday, knowing that just because I did this mission trip doesn't mean I'm done. My mission is to be a missionary every day should the opportunity arise. Wearing pink from head to toe and approaching people isn't my thing but living by example, Christ's example, and serving others is my approach. I really have to pay attention and know that non-Christians are watching me, waiting for me to slip. I went to a party in Charlotte this weekend and they all teased me about being a Christ Follower. I smiled and gently teased back. Standing your ground is tough, maybe the most difficult mission of all.

My Church Is Cool

I say that too much, probably but really it is something so simple. Riv has 5 pastors. I know two pretty well, one kinda sorta, and the other two hardly at all. Let’s just say three of them would know my name. The other two could pick me out of a line-up. Right now, Riv is doing a series called Re-Direct. Usually, only three of the pastors do the teachings. For this series, each pastor is teaching and I really dig it. It’s cool listening to them and getting to know them better. Rob taught yesterday and I felt more enlightened on how to handle tough decisions. Want to be enlightened, too? Oh, I don’t know if I want to share. Most who read this site go to Riv anyhow (read: I’m lazy). What is even cooler is that I saw one of the pastors sitting in the crowd with his wife. I’m not sure why but it made me feel so good to see them there, learning, listening, and worshipping together. I guess it is because they are the leaders of Riv. They set an example for the rest of us and it’s just comforting to see them in the crowd with us once in awhile. Before I left for Germany, Steve taught. I sat in the back and saw a couple of the pastors sitting with their wives and Steve’s wife sitting with them. It made me feel good knowing that they, too, still need to listen and learn together. They are not above sitting through the service themselves. It reminded me of something I heard Joyce Meyer say, “God is working through me while He is working on me.”

Yup.

The Hostel

People have been asking about the place we stayed in Germany. Here is a link to it.

Me: Look at this picture. There is a ghost in it.
Step-dad: A ghost?
Me: Yes, an aberration.
Nephew: You mean an apparition.
Me (confused): uh...do I? Yes, yes that's what I meant. Thank you 13-year-old nephew.
Nephew: Anytime.

This would be a good gift for me. I think I would take a small or medium.

This and That

Valassis is offering a six week class on how to speak German. Wonderful.

I want to travel...a lot. On a whim, I booked an Amtrak ticket to Chicago for the end of the month. My parents would freak if they knew I was traveling alone. Yes, I'm 29-years-old. When I go to Chicago, I will be going to Cereality. Can't wait. I'll also be going to a Cubbies game (I hope), hanging out at the beach and just relax.

In August, I'll be traveling up to Pretty Lake for the annual family reunion. Fun times on Pretty Lake. Last year we almost sank the pontoon. I think I'm also going to Mackinaw Island with my mom, step-dad and the kids. I flew there when I was about 8 or 9 but only remember lots of horsey poo. One last thing I want to do this summer is get myself to Cedar Point. Perhaps I'll take the kids. Perhaps I'll go alone. Just kidding about going alone. That would be seriously wrong.

29:28

That was my finishing time in the 5k on Saturday morning. What an experience! I started out really slow and was being passed by everyone including dogs and strollers. I hung in there and kept my pace, only walking once near the end of the race to get my breath for 30 seconds. What kept me going? My MP3 player and Romans 5:3. I had read that verse in the morning, wrote it down on a little piece of paper and had it in my pocket during the race. I also prayed non-stop and could just feel God smiling on all of us. It helped that people were encouraging us as we ran. What really got me is when people would thank us for doing it. This brought me back to the point of why I was running in the first place: not for me but for Max. A picture of us was taken at the start line. I'm right under the sign in blue shorts, white shirt and sunglasses. Christine is next to me.

Can't wait for the next one!

British Airways (we're almost home!)

Before boarding the plane...

Heathrow for 5 flippin hours. I know, I know...it could have been a lot worse.

The Get-Along Gang

Meg and Martin. He was a really awesome guy/pastor. He made fun of us for going to bed early every night and not staying up to party.

Joe, Bjorn, Clark

Martin grilling in the rain. This was just before I walked to the street to see if I could spot three lost, little kittens.

A real smile from Sally.

Yes! Another Christian! Good to see you, man.

Our Glamour Picture in front of Dom. Silly...

Pete had something deep to say about this picture but I forgot what it was.

Waiting for the tram. "Joey, how easy would it be to get a bomb on this thing?" "Very easy."

The Three Wise Men (in the box). Whatever...

In Dom before Clark passed out. You can see the hostil we stayed in.

Joey and Peter entertaining the youth.

Pete taking lessons from the German kinders.

Brown and the best Italian wine we had in Germany.

Pete and Joey invited us to their coming out lunch.

Our day trip to Linz, Germany (Clark, either smile or get out of the way).

Clark in the torture chamber (Linz, Germany).

The lobby where we stayed (and where Joey mostly got into trouble).

The night we were denied. The three of us seemed to be together a lot.

Yi, Joey and I in front/above the Rhine River

Tour of the city. This is the outdoor mall. We must have walked through this place 10 times during the week.

Yi and Joe on the airplane.

Before we left. Meg has just said, "everyone, show me your passports."

5k

I'm running in Max's Race this Saturday on the campus of Michigan State. This will be my first 5k. I'm a little nervous. I hope I can finish decently. Of course, I haven't trained, unless you count walking all over Cologne, Heathrow and climbing Dom. That was all excellent exercise (not to mention the Ultimate Frisbee). I'm also worried about...fashion. Here is a conversation between my step-mother and I:

Holly: Yes, I know you shouldn't change shoes but mine are bright blue and ugly. Yes, I'm concerned about fashion. If/when I pass out at 2.6 miles, I want to look good. I don't want people saying, "look at the girl laying on the pavement with those ugly, blue shoes." Still, I'll probably be wearing them to protect my toes. Perhaps after I'm released from the hospital, we can go to Lady Footlocker. They are having a sale on running shoes: two for $90 (about $45 a piece). Or there is always DSW. I saw many pairs there.

Christine: While those shoes may be a drawback, I will, when I pass you, rip off my shirt, wrap it around your feet than continue to sprint to the finish line in my sports bra. They will pick you up and never notice the shoes until you get to ER. I will come down and quickly wisk you away to Lady Footlocker (after a crepe stop) to the applause of rescue workers. It sounds like a plan to me.

Yes, I know it's shallow but it made me laugh. Focus on the shoes, not the race, then you will be less scared.

East or West

My father was so grateful to be home, he kissed the wall of our apartment. We had been traveling all day from Canada but hit a major storm when we entered Detroit. The rain, wind, and flooding was so bad, we had to pull over. My five-year-old self was terrified. I just wanted to be home. Apparently, so did my dad. I remember him kissing the wall, thanking God for getting us home safely.

This memory came to my mind as I stared out the airplane window watching the greyish blue below me: the Atlantic Ocean. I smiled as the ocean suddenly began to change over to tiny brown and green islands. We were finally in North America. We were almost home.

I had an awesome time in Germany. I learned so much about a culture different from my own. I learned what it was like to stand apart, to be rejected or snubbed because of my nationality. I learned how much I loved my home and I was glad to be back. Several other questions filled my mind as we flew over Canada: why did God choose for me to be born here? Why did He pick the parents I have? Why did He make it so obvious that I had to go on this mission? The Bible says he did all of this so I would have the best opportunity to know and love Him. The mission trip reinforced this and gave me many God moments.

Moment #1
Someone from Riverview donated a Playstation 2 they had ordered off Ebay. They couldn't use this Playstation because it was European (this is the way I understand the story anyhow). We didn't know what we were going to do with it but took it along anyhow. On Monday, we played Ultimate Frisbee on the Koln Campus. It was my turn to hang out and invite people to join us...but I couldn't. I felt shy and awkward. I didn't want to bother these people. Finally, I saw a young man sit down on a bench. I approached him and asked him to play. He did. We had the best time with him and ended up hanging out with him several times that week. Sometime during the week, our new friend mentioned that he loved to play video games. He explained he did have a Playstation but sold it to help with the family farm. Bingo. We had a connection. We were supposed to bring that Playstation 2 for a reason.

Moment #2
We were playing volleyball and frisbee on Tuesday. We tried to talk to people by asking them to play. Two girls we asked seemed very unnerved by us. They wanted nothing to do with frisbee or to have any type of discussion. They laid down in the grass to sun themselves. A half-hour later, one of them sat up suddenly and started screaming. I ran to her to find out the problem. She had been stung by a bee. I called Joey over to pull the stinger out. I ran to my bag because for some reason, I had packed an anti-biotic cream and an Itch Eraser stick for stings and bug bites. Meg also had a frozen cappuccino which we held to the sting to prevent swelling. The girls were so thankful to us. It wasn't really us, though.

Moment #3
Martin, the pastor we visited and worked with in Koln, had a bar-b-Que for us on our last night there. He gave us directions but never told us his house number. Most of the group had been there before so we found it no problem. Joey and Pete were meeting with our new German friend to bring him to the cook-out so they had no clue where they were going. I became nervous and worried as we finished eating dinner. They still hadn't arrived. I went out to the road several times and checked to see if maybe they were in sight. Nothing. The rain came and I turned my worries into prayers. Please let them find this place. I gave it one last try as the rain poured down. I looked down the road and my heart fell. Nothing. I turned the other way and leapt for joy. It was them! They had passed the house. I yelled to them and they came running my way. Pete said they had gotten lost but took a taxi to the correct street. Still they had no way of knowing which house it was and were trying to follow the smell of the food. "Did you see us walk by, Holly?" Peter asked me. "No," I said. "Then how did you know to come out then to see if we were there?" he asked. "God told me," I smiled.

Maybe I didn't plant any seeds on this mission trip. Perhaps I only plowed the ground or changed people's perceptions of a Christian or American. Maybe I went to learn more about myself. Whatever the reason, I know I had to go and am so thankful for the time I had. Still, the best feeling of all was drinking a Vernors, surrounded by my family, telling stories from the past week. East or West, home is best.

Mission for Him, NOT me

"The following takes place between 6am and 7am..."

Tick, tick, tick...

The final 24 hours is here. I felt my first raw pain from nerves around 6:30 p.m. today.

"Crap, I leave in 24 hours. Oh boy."

I have been uneasy about this mission trip to Germany. You probably didn't want to hear that, though. You are going to tell me how everything is going to be fine but really, I'm still just a bundle of mixed emotions. Here are some of the thoughts spiraling around in the brain:

I don't want to go to Germany. I want to go on a mission trip to Hawaii. When is that trip?

I don't speak German. I don't know how to even relate to their lives. What was God thinking?

There must be some reason why He made all of this so obvious. What's the reason, God? Will I go over to Koln and start speaking in tongues? Will I start healing people randomly? Will I hide in a tree every time someone challenges me?

Don't worry. I'm trusting YOU on this one. I'm still getting a little sick to my stomach.

I packed waaaay too much.

I heard a song today by Warren Barfield as I was driving around getting last minute stuff. It calmed me, forcing me to return to the reason why I'm going to Germany in the first place.

Do they only see who we are
When who we are should be pointing them to Christ
Cause we are who He chose to use
To spread the news
Of the way the truth and the life
Oh I want all I am to die
So all He is can come alive

Til everyone I talk to hears His voice
And everything I touch feels the warmth of His hand
Til everyone I meet
Sees Jesus in me
This is all I wanna be I wanna be mistaken
For Jesus

May He touch with my hands
See through my eyes
May He speak through my lips
Live through my life
I want Him to live

I'm not like this on a minute by minute, second by second basis. My friends can attest to this, my co-workers can attest to this more. But these lyrics describe my heart, my want...the need to live by example instead of my old, selfish quest. I'm still the goofy person God created. That is the cool thing about this new quest: I can still be me and I realized I didn't want to do all of those crappy things I was doing. Those crappy things were filling a void that is now filled.

Want to have a drink? Give me a call when I'm back in town.
Want to go out dancing? Let me know when and where.
Want to go to the casino? I'm not very good, but I'm in.
Want to rob a convience store? Man, I miss those days.... (for those who don't know me well, this is where you laugh)

God uses me in crazy little ways...or this big way I'm about to embark on. You may not realize it, but take note of how He's using you, too. This is the kind of used you feel good about :)

Project KMM Update

It has been a long time since I've updated the three of you who read this blog on my project. Major developments since then.

When I first thought of the idea...no wait...let me back up. When God first gave me the idea for this project, there were many obstacles. Kim had been gone for 17 years. The people that knew her weren't on the best terms or had moved away. 17 years...pictures get lost, things get stored away, thrown out, ruined. But God's will on this is amazing.

Obstacle #1: Kim's former step-mother.
Kim's dad left a lot behind when the split happened. He left all of his pictures, including all the ones he had of Kim. Everyone told me, "there is no way you'll be able to get those pictures from her, Holly." But I smiled, thinking, "well, I don't want the pictures from her. I have a different idea." About a month ago, I showed up unannounced at Cindy's house. I hadn't seen her in years but saw that she was still the same woman who baby-sat me many moons ago. I like her...but I know her, too. We visited a little while and then I sprung the project on her. Could she help? Would she be willing? She asked if I wanted to go for a ride with her. Off we went to Lansing. We talked about Kim the whole way there and the whole way back. I learned a lot about Kim and a lot about Cindy: she was close to Kim. She misses her. We came back to the house and Cindy immediately went upstairs. "Can you give me a hand, Holly?" I heard her yell. I approached the stairs and saw her standing at the top with boxes. They were full of pictures. We spent the afternoon sorting through boxes and boxes of pictures. I had my scanner there and scanned them into my computer as we went. Again, no one thought it was possible to gain access to these pictures. Know how I did it? I prayed like crazy before I went over there. I asked for God to soften her heart to the cause. I asked for His help but if she turned me away, I would know it wasn't meant to work out. I prayed the whole way to her house. At times, I got so nervous, I wanted to throw up. Then, the Holy Spirit would calm me, give me strength and the words to say. Awesome.

Obstacle #2: Kim's mom
I was told from the beginning not to expect much help from Kim's mom. She was moving to Arizona and didn't want to "go down that road." The week after Kim died, her things were boxed up and put in storage. The siblings came home to a new den that had been their big sister's bedroom. I’m not saying it was wrong or right, only that the mom was very guarded about Kim. When Karen, Kim’s younger sister, explained the project to the mom, she was skeptical. I got a phone call from the mom two weeks ago. She was in town for the summer and was going through boxes. She wanted to help and contribute. I went to Karen’s on Saturday night and met the mom. She looked a lot like Kim, or Kim looked a lot like her. She was also really nice and let me borrow a bag full of pictures of her daughter. The best part was a VHS tape from their last Christmas together.

Last night, I took a deep breath and popped the VHS in. Kim wasn’t in it as much as I had hoped. The quality wasn’t the greatest, either. When Kim walked into the room, I got a little sad. I haven’t seen a live image of Kim in 17 years, since I saw her alive. Kim sat down on the couch, completely out of view. But then…she finally leaned over and she opened her last present. Her brother, Mike, who was a year older than Kim, handed it her shyly. She opened it and exclaimed, “Rush! The Rush tape! Thank you, Mike!” You could clearly see how close the two of them were. She walked over to him and thanked him again. Then, she opened the tape and played it a few minutes on the stereo. After this, she tried on her Varsity coat she had also received. “Look, mom. There’s even room to grow,” she stated.

My throat became tight and I felt incredibly sad. I watched all of them, knowing now that their lives were going to change for the worse in two months. They didn’t know. They had no idea this would be their last Christmas with Kim. I wanted to call Karen and tell her how sorry I was that she had to go through all of that at such a young age. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that her sister died 17 years ago. I wanted to yell at them so they knew what was about to happen but they continued on, frozen in time, carrying on with a normal family Christmas, unaware. Of course, it was better that they didn’t know, even if I had the power to somehow transcend the whole time barrier.

I didn’t think this project would get to me so much. I hope I can get this thing right. I’ll keep asking for help and praying

International Friend

“You have to call them and change your flight. You must stay an extra week. I’ll show you around…we can go to Austria, France, Italy!”

I smiled at my friend.

“I wish I could, Uschi…man, I really wish I could…but I just can’t take that much time off work.” I felt a little sad knowing this may be the only time I’m ever in Europe.

Uschi smiled. “Oooo, it would be so much fun.”

I met Uschi (pronounced Ooo-she, short for Ursula) in 1999. We both worked for Perry Johnson, although, her position there was a little more prestigious. She ran the office in Germany from the office she shared with me in Southfield. I was immediately drawn to her sincere and giving personality, so sweet and unassuming. We had a cultural differences which ended up being the jokes between us.

“I have to get a book on Phone-ics,” she said to me last night. “Phone-ics…right?”
“Well…no. It looks like Phone but it is more like F-on-ics, like ‘on’ as opposed to ‘off.’”
“Oh jeez,” she said somewhat seriously. “How am I going to teach my daughters when I can’t even get it right?”
“Well, perhaps you can study “phone-ics” with them. English is dumb, Ush. The rules are so weird.”
She smiled.

As we sat in the Borders café watching her daughter read books, we reminisced about how quickly we became friends. We had to. She didn’t have many being from Germany and me being from Lansing, fresh out of college…well, I didn’t have many, either.

“I will never forget that day, Holly, when I came into the office so scared…”
“I won’t, either.”

Uschi had taken in her car to get an oil change. She met a handsome, young man who worked there. He, in turn, was quite taken with her. He broke the rules and looked up her phone number to make that fateful call. One night, Uschi and I went to the bar and then back to her apartment to crash. I was going to get up early the next morning to get Dave Matthews Tickets. I left my money under a sweatshirt on her counter. When we got back to the apartment, I was shocked to see a 6’3”, gorgeous, Arabic kid sleeping on Uschi’s living room floor. “Um, Uschi..who is that?”

“That is the guy from the oil changing place.”
“How old is he?”
Uschi smiled.
“19”
“Whoa.”
I quickly realized my money was gone and as I started becoming irate, thinking the 19-year-old hood had stolen it, I heard him say to Uschi, “I put that money in your bedroom. You shouldn’t keep out in the open.”

Wow. He was a nice, 19-year-old hood and it turned out, he wasn’t a hood at all. He was from Lebanon and had seen his mother die in the war. He and his sister were living with an aunt in Dearborn and he was trying to save money to take college classes. His name was Shadi (Sha-dee).

“Uschi, what is wrong,” I said when she walked into our office. “You’re white as a ghost…well…paler than normal.”
“Oh no, Holly…I think…I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.” She then revealed to me how scared she was being in the US alone. What was she going to do? She was 22-years-old.

“Do you love Shadi?” I asked her.
“I know you’ll think I’m crazy because we’ve only been together for a few month (she always drops the “s” from months) but yeah…I do.”

More relief came Uschi’s way when she told Shadi. He immediately proposed to her and they were married in February. In May, Uschi gave me some sad news. She and Shadi had decided to move to Germany to be near her family and have the baby there. In August, Lena was born. Uschi sent pictures along with Kinder eggs (hollow chocolate eggs with a toy inside). I missed my friend but she looked so happy.

“I loved living in Germany,” Uschi said to me as I sipped my Chai Tea. “We lived in a little village where the cows and chickens just ran around all over the place. It was so peaceful.”

“You liked it a lot,” I commented.

“Not when I was growing up. I hated it then. But when you leave home…well, you long for what you used to know. I mean, when were little girls, my parents would take my sister and I to the Alps for skiing. In the summer, we would drive to a little villa near Venice to play on the beach. I miss it…….oh! Did I tell you that my parents won the lottery in Germany?!”

“Um, no! How much did they win?”

“An equivalent to a million US dollars. They paid off their house, bills and added a small apartment on for us to stay in when we visit. They also cut back their work hours and are going to travel more. Isn’t that exciting?”

“So exciting, Uschi…”

In 2001, I received a surprise visit from Uschi and Shadi. They were looking for a place to live in Dearborn…and Uschi was expecting their second child. It wasn’t the first time I had met Lena, but the first time I really interacted with her. She had just turned two and was fluent in German and understood Arabic. Two-years-old and bi-lingual. So cool. Their little family came back to the states and Nadine was born in April of 2002.

“That first year back in Michigan was horrible,” Uschi said. “Lena spoke German, understood Arabic, and now we were throwing English into the whole mess. She tried to adapt but I started speaking to her only in English so she would learn. She turned around and invented her own language! It was almost as if she said, ‘well, forget you two if you aren’t going to speak to me in German and Arabic. I’ll just make up my own words!” For six months, I couldn’t communicate with my daughter. Eventually, by watching TV and just being exposed to English, she caught on and one day, she asked me for a cookie or something.”

“What about Nadine?” I asked about her three-year-old.

“She’s been brought up around all three languages. She’s got a good handle on the words but not when to use them.”

“Like when we were sitting at the dinner table before we left,” I commented, “she said ‘Lena is chewing with her mouth…’ and the said the word ‘closed’ in German.”

“Yes, she does that all the time.” Uschi smiled.

“So, what happened to you and Shadi having 5 kids by the time you were 30?” I teased.

Uschi rolled her eyes. “Yah, right. If I had more help, I would. But Shadi’s work hours are so difficult. When we first came back to the US, he was working two jobs and finishing his degree. He used to get three hours of sleep. He worked the night shift at the plant for awhile and now he has his dream job except he’s all over the place for weeks at a time and then he’ll be home for weeks at a time. I’m so happy that Nadine is going to be in pre-school. I finally have some time to myself, you know. I can hang out with you!”

Uschi started to teach me a few words in German: yes, no, please, thank you, stop. Then she sighed. “When you come back from Germany, I’ll be on my way there. You have to call them and change your flight.” I laughed. “No!” she laughed with me, “I’m not kidding. We could drive to Rome and see the sights…”

“I couldn’t imagine living a life where I could just hop in a car and go to Rome,” I said.

“France is 2 hours away, Austria is an hour…”

I said, “Well, just to be fair, I can hop in my car and be to Ohio in an hour…not the same thing…not the same thing at all.”

“Michigan is beautiful, though, Holly. The US is a beautiful place to live.”

“Yes, I have to agree, but I’ll speak more educated-ly when I come back from Germany. IF I come back from Germany…”

“You’re going to be fine, Holly,” Uschi comforted me. “Tell her she is going to be fine, Lena.”

“Yes, Holly, it is like being on a butterfly and just floating over the water,” Lena explained.

I smiled. I have always felt blessed by my friendship with Uschi and her family. I do hope I can go back to Germany someday and let her show me around. She and Shadi are also building a summer home in Lebanon. I might wait on that trip, though.

Please, love this as much as I do....

Wookie Guitar Solo

Morning by morning, O Lord,
you hear my voice;
morning by morning
I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.
~Psalms 5:3

Every morning I've been praying, either on the way to work or at work. I acknowledge there is no way I can do this shtuff on my own. I was thinking that perhaps I wasn't doing it right or maybe asking for too much when I would pray, "Please, help me through all of this and let the Holy Spirit be strong in me to not open my big, fat mouth at inappropriate times." I like how this Psalm says "I lay my requests before you and wait..." So, I'm not the only one who asks and requests. Ask and you shall receive...maybe 40 years from now, maybe after leave your earthly home. Request. Wait.

Couldn't Have Planned It Better

...and I didn't.

I've been praying and meditating and chickening out about how to handle adversity in life. Adversity? No, just the same ol' issue. I finally cleared the air with someone I had a disagreement with a month ago. It feels so darn good to let go of all that crap. I just really had to suck it up and do it.

I went out with my step-mother last Saturday. This was the first time we had really spoken in a month or so. We had such an awesome time working out together at the MAC. I've truly missed her. We didn't talk about the "issue" between us. Just enjoyed each other's company.

Afterward, we went to this little crepe shop I had heard of right around the corner from her house. I had kind of hoped I would see friends there but I also knew these friends didn't work on Saturday. I couldn't have planned it better. My friend was there, greeting us, welcoming us, and making us feel at home. I could tell my step-mom instantly liked this young woman. We got our crepes and ate them under an umbrella outside. I gently made a comment about Suz and how we know each other. That was pretty much it. I didn't want to shove anything down her throat. Soon, two more friends from church pulled up. Wow. Crazy. Anyhow, we finished eating and I took my step-moms home with a promise to see her later that evening at the dance recital for my niece and nephew.

As I greeted my family members in the Holt High School cafeteria later that evening, I turned to see a family of three walk into the building. I smiled and just couldn't stop smiling. I didn't plan this. I couldn't have.

"Hi, Rob. How are you"
"Pretty good."
"Rob, this is my mom, Carrie, my aunt, Kam and my step-mother, Christine. Ladies, this is one of my pastors, Rob."

They all shook hands and I caught a smile from Joey.

I know I didn't have to go blabbing about all of this but I just thought it was so cool...all of those coincidences, all of those chance meetings which gave an opportunity for people to become acquainted and perhaps clear misconceptions. I'm sure there are still more, but God will do His thing in time or maybe He won't do anything at all.

I do know that my step-mom and I have been e-mailing each other every day and now we plan to run a 5k together, perhaps in Chicago. I pray all of this lasts. I want to care for this relationship as long as it is here on earth.

The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn
are lifted to safety.
Job 5:11

Rowdy Ol' Time

Joey said, “Let’s go out to eat.” After a whole day of cleaning, I was ready to hang out and look for trouble. We decided on Texas Roadhouse. Yeah, I was feeling a little rowdy. After our meal, Joey said, “where to now?” Hmmmm….how about…that Cactus Juice Saloon north of town? Perfect. Joey had been there before and rode the mechanical bull. I remember him complaining for weeks after about how sore he felt. I urged him not to take a second beating from the thing. We pulled into the parking lot and followed the cowboy hats inside. The bouncer, whose shirt read “Deputy”, asked for our IDs. After showing mine, I went inside to go to the bathroom. I took a quick look around and smiled. It was like stepping into a mini Gilly’s from the movie Urban Cowboy. The band in the corner, line dancing, pool, a punching bag…this was going to be a great time.

When I came out of the bathroom, Joey was standing near the door with a look of disbelief.
J: It was $20 bucks to get in here.
H: No way. You’re kidding.
J: I’m not kidding, Hol. I gave the guy a $20 and he didn’t give me anything back. I explained I had just given him $20 and needed my change. He said, “It’s $10 bucks a piece.” He mentioned bull riding…but there’s always bull riding.
H: No flippin way! It looks to me like the bull isn’t even on! That’s crazy! Why didn’t you come get me?
J: You were already in the Cowgirls room. Look, it’s okay. I’m not too upset. This is just turning into an expensive night.
H: Well, let me buy you a beer.
We moseyed over to the bar and ordered a Miller Lite and a Jack & Coke. I handed the bartender my debit card.
Bartender: There’s a $10 minimum.
H: This place is really starting to piss me off.
B: You still want the drinks.
H: (Through gritted teeth) Yes.
I then began to complain aloud how this fancy-dancy bar wasn’t even that great. There weren’t many people, a few couples were line dancing, and the mechanical bull stood silent in the corner. I told Joey that we better figure out how to have fun after all the money we were spending. I took a swig of my drink and noticed people coming out of a room in the back. I thought this must be the Cowboy Discothèque and suggested we check it out. Joey agreed so off we went.

As we strolled into the next room, I stopped short in shock. I couldn’t believe my eyes. We were face to face with a real, live, full blown rodeo, complete with bulls, dirt, gates, and cowboys. Joey and I looked at each other. What had just happened? Were we in OZ? No, we were in a bar…in Lansing…with bulls…and cowboys….

Suddenly, $10 a piece didn’t seem like enough.

Joey and I found a spot on the bleachers and watched the workers finish setting everything up. Then, everyone rose for the National Anthem…in a bar…in Lansing. Afterwards, the lights were turned off and a disco ball lit up at the center of the ceiling. Just like at a Pistons game, the cowboys were introduced one by one, spotlight and all.

“And here he is, riding in from Nashville, TN….Cowboy Curtis!!!!” The crowd goes wild. I was still in some state of shock and couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. Next, they read the Cowboys Prayer:

Our heavenly father, we pause ever mindful of the many blessings you have bestowed upon us. We ask that you be with us at this rodeo, And we pray that you will guide us in the arena of life. We don't ask for special favors, we don't ask to draw around a chute fighting horse, or to never break a barrier. Nor do we ask for all Daylight runs, or not to draw a steer that won't lay. Help us O Lord, to live our lives in such a manner, that when we make that last inevitable ride to the country up there, where the grass grows lush and green and stirrup high, and the water runs clear, cool and deep, that you, as our last judge, will tell us that our entry fees are paid.

I got a little choked up at this point. Well, that’s not true but I got a chill at the last part about having your entry fees already paid. Could this rodeo stuff be deeper than I thought?

The first rider came out on a bull named Agent Orange. Three seconds later, the dude’s face was in the dirt and Agent Orange was prancing around the pen. Bull-1 point, Riders-0. Most of the rides were like that but a few guys made it past the 8 seconds. One of the bulls threw a rider pretty far and then drove his head into the guy’s butt. Ouch. The bulls and blood, dust and mud, the roar of a Sunday crowd, the white in his knuckles, gold in the buckle, he'll win the next go 'round, it's boots and chaps, it's cowboy hats, it's spurs and latigo, it's the ropes and the reins, the joy and the pain, and they call the thing rodeo. Yeah, thanks to Garth Brooks for actually writing those lyrics.

The whole thing was a pretty good time. We only stayed about an hour and a half but I was happy with my first Rodeo experience. We left shortly after the cops did. No, I never found out why they were there. As we drove away, I noticed the marquee for the first time.

“Oh, it says ‘Live Bull Riding Tonight.’ They meant ALIVE bulls. Ohhhhh….”

Hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit...
Romans 5:5

Riverview Website

Riverview's new website has been launched. It is totally rad.

I'm one of the Riv Bloggers. You can check that out here.

I really, really, really like the new site. Especially all of the faces of the people who work to make Riverview operational. Makes me smile :o)

Baha Junkie

Me: Hi, I'd like to order one shrimp taco.
Baha Lady: Okay, is that all?
Me: Yes.
BL: Okay, your # is 1.
Me: Here is my frequent user card.
BL: I stamp it twice for you.
Me: Oh....okay...cool. (Walks over to salsa bar and begins to load up on favorites. Suddenly remembers something.)
Me: Excuse me.
BL: Yes.
Me: I forgot to tell you I wanted the taco made with a flour tortilla.
BL: I knew that. I was wondering how long before you remembered to tell us.
Me: (feeling slightly embarrassed) Oh. Yeah. Thanks!
BL: Here is your order.
Me: Thanks.
BL: It was nice seeing you again.
Me: Uh, you too!

I looked down at my frequent user card. I got it a month ago. It's almost full.

Blues

When I look back at last week, I feel darkness. I was mildly depressed. There wasn't a lot of will to do anything except eat and sleep. Oh, and feel sad. But this week is different. I'm smiley and feel good. I bounced back. I have people around me who instantly recognized I wasn't myself. They were in tune with it and questioned my well-being. It wasn't because of them that I bounced back so well, though. For one, it is because I'm pretty well balanced. Chemically, I mean. Everyone goes through this occasionally. It passes on through after a day or so. Secondly, I have a strength inside me that won't let me go to far down that road. He just won't IF I don't shut Him out. So I hung on. And though there are areas of my life I'm completely a wreck about, overall I'm happy.

Some people aren't so lucky. I don't always understand but I know some people don't bounce back after a few days of feeling blue. They spiral down further and further until there is so much darkness around them, they can't even see who they really are anymore. There is an imbalance. There is a focus on things that aren't real. Paranoia. Fear. Hopelessness. Panic. Loneliness. We need to pay attention to those close to us. We need to recognize when these feelings don't go away after a few days because those days easily turn into years...and then it is almost too hard to come back.

Thanks to those who cheered me up last week, for those that simply said, "hey I'm here if you need me." I was carrying a lot of weight and just hearing that made the pressure less.

99th Best

Valassis has been in the "Top 100 Companies to Work For" by Forbes Magazine for the past...I don't know...seven years or something. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Anyhow, we made it into the hall of fame this past year but, well, our ranking has slipped from 50-something to 99. That's right. Valassis has one foot out 'da door. Does Valassis want to lose this prestigious title? Nooooo. So they are busting butt to change our minds about the company we work for as the determining factor are the surveys that come from us. This past week, Valassis made two major changes:
1.) They brought back 401K gift matching.
2.) They changed the vacation policy. Now, you don't have to wait until your 5 year anniversary to get 15 days off. Employees that have been here 3 years now get the 15 day vacation.

Guess who's a 3 year employee this year? Guess who now has a total of 18 vacation days because she purchased 3? Guess who is really happy now?

Attention! Pay Attention!

Lately, self doubt has crept into my being. I get a new project at work, perform well, and then something either in my control or out of my control happens. All of this causes me to second guess myself. I get so angry at me. Why didn’t I notice the fold was off? Why didn’t I know you aren’t supposed to varnish both sides of the piece if a sample needs to glue in? Why didn’t I notice the wrong barcode printed? Why didn’t I pay attention to the color? Ugh. Yeah. The crap part of it is that upper management notices. I flat out asked my supervisor “do you consider me an average TSR?” He thought for a minute and said, “as far as performance goes, yes but as for issues surrounding the job…no. You are below average.” He wants to help me be successful in this position. I told him I may never be. This might not be the right fit. I also said I wanted to start looking at other positions in the company. I don’t think he liked that much. I just don’t feel happy when I’m here. And then there is this self doubt thing…. Okay. Time for a story.
Thursday before the movie started, Joey won first place for his Darth Vader costume. His prize was a talking Yoda doll. He showed it to me. I wasn’t too impressed but was proud of him. He worked really hard on that costume. As we are leaving the theater after the movie, Joey handed Yoda to me but my nephew Bradley took it. As we walked out of the theater, Joey started performing for all of the fans waiting in line. One of his best friends from high school was in line and Joey took Yoda from Bradley to show his friends. I stood there for a moment and then decided to go to the bathroom. A moment or two later, Joey’s mom walks into the bathroom. “There you are, Holly Girl,” she said. We then met Brad and Joey outside of the restroom and worked our way out to the front of the building where a few more pictures were taken. Joey walked Brad and I to my car and then he asked the question, “Where’s Yoda?”
Me: I don’t have it.
Brad: I don’t have it, either.
Joey: Maybe my mom has it.
We all went our separate ways. Later on, Joey called to ask if I was sure Yoda wasn’t in my car. I checked it out. No Yoda. Joey became really upset and frustrated. He said that his friend Ben, his mom, and Bradley all said that I was carrying Yoda. I was dumbfounded. Huh? I never touched the doll. I felt so confused and I started doubting myself. If all of these people said I had it…I must have had it and left it in the bathroom…but I know I didn’t…but maybe I did….God, this is just like being at work. I can’t get away from it.

My cousin, who is head of security at Celebration Cinema, called me and said Yoda had been found near the THX. He wasn’t sure if it was in the bathroom, just near the THX. So we still didn’t know who left Yoda behind. And why was it a big deal? Why couldn’t I let it go? Because of the scorecard we keep here at work. It was spilling over into my life.

I was thinking about all of this as I flushed my step-dad’s toilet (wait, I’m going somewhere with this). “What the---? He has a push button flusher! I’ve never noticed before! My attention to detail does suck! I suck! I’m losing my mind!” Then, I called Dean into the bathroom. “You’ve never noticed that in the 10 years we’ve lived here, Holly?” he said. I shook my head. “Ha! That’s because I changed it today. The handle broke this morning.” A huge wave of relief came over me. I do notice things. In fact, I notice some of the smallest things. My brain is only human, though. I can’t notice everything and keep track of things all the time. But I really feel like God was trying to say, “Slow down, Kid. You’re not as bad as you think. You’re not as bad as they think.”

The next day, I went to my sister’s and Bradley was home sick with a sinus infection. “Um, Holly, I remembered something last night.” “What?” “Well, I remember that I put Yoda down on the concession stand. I was the one who lost him.” “You are kidding me.” “No.” “Oh, well, Bradley,” I said, “I’m on my way to pick Yoda up from Celebration. Don’t beat yourself up over leaving him there.” Yeah, don’t beat yourself up.

Storm Spotter

Last Wednesday evening, I drove myself to Dearborn, MI for Storm Spotter training. Yes, that’s right. I’m an official Storm Spotter. What does that mean? A couple of things.
1.) When I see bad weather, I call it into the National Weather Service.
2.) When the National Weather Service sees bad weather on radar, they can call me to see if I can report on anything.
The training lasted from 7:00 to 9:00. Two hours. Now, I’m not an expert but they trained us on types of things to look for and report on. They also taught us the difference between funnel, wall and shelf clouds. Pretty cool. So now, when you see “Spotter Activation Required” that is me (along with thousands of others).

Downer

I've been a real downer lately. Trying to shake it only makes me feel worse. I'm just not happy here at work. Either Satan is meddling in my projects, royally screwing them up or God is trying to show me that it has been time for me to leave...for a long time now. I don't know. I just know that when I'm here, I'm miserable. The worst part is that it shows. Yesterday, someone sent me an e-card saying she misses my smile. A guy who works in the bindery stopped me on my way out to ask me why I'm not happy. Nuts. He knows? I'm just tired of this job. I get 10 e-mails a day where one of our processes has changed. Today, I'll get 10 more changing the ones from yesterday. I'm having a difficult time keeping up. I'm tired of every print job becoming a "learning opportunity." I got a call from the press supervisor Sunday night at 11:30.
"Uh, Holly, this Tylenol job we have running...the fold isn't lining up correctly."
"Uh, What do you mean?"
"Uh, the fold is right but the artwork is zigzagging."
"Uh, okay."
"Uh, what do you want us to do."
"Uh, I have no idea. I'll call you back."
So, I called my supervisor who wasn't about to come in and check the piece even though he lives closer and then I called the project leader who lives in Howell. By 12:30 in the morning, I was driving into work. She drove in as well. I wanted to shut the press down, she didn't. So, we didn't. All hell broke loose on Monday. Because I'm a frontliner, the blame usually falls my way. It should have been caught before it went to press. Yay. Yet another learning opportunity.

Yesterday, I was bypassed to go to our facility in Calexico, CA. This is a trip our supervisor has been promising to myself and two others who work on sampling programs. Guess who's going and who's not? Yes, I already told you.

I'm sorry. I'm venting. And really, when reading this, please don't hear my whiney voice. My voice is sad and distressed, trying to seek comfort in God, smile through all of this crap. Oh, and there is so much more crap then what I have let on here. Work crap. Family crap. Crap, crap, crap. There are still so many things to smile about. One of them is my roommate.

Last night, I came home and Krissie was making dinner. I asked what she was cooking up and her reply was, "all of your favorite comfort foods: homemade mashed potatoes, asparagus with mushrooms, and vanilla pudding with fresh blueberries." I stood in the kitchen in total amazement. Wow. "Awww, Krissie, that is so awesome of you," I managed to say without a crying fit. "Question: why vanilla pudding with fresh blueberries? I mean, I like it but I didn't know it was my favorite comfort food." "Well, you were just telling me the other day how much you like the parfaits from McDonalds but lately the fruit has been frozen when you get them." "Will you marry me?" I heard myself ask.

She is an awesome friend and the best person I've ever lived with. She really is. I will miss her when I suddenly quit my job, move in with my parents and try to get a job in a crepe shop somewhere....

My Supervisor

Holly: I have a fear of choking to death.
Jim: What do you mean?
Holly: Like on a piece of food.
Jim: You don't have to worry about that kind of choking. You need to worry about this kind of choking (pretends to have his hands wrapped around my throat, choking me).
Holly: Oh my.......!
Brain: (Laughs)
Holly: Do I really aggravate you that much?
Jim: Yes.

Food Addictions

I go through phases with certain foods. Here are my latest crazes:
Baha Fresh shrimp tacos, guacomole, and salsa. I don't like other salsas now. Has to be Baha. I go there 1-2 times a week.

Chai Tea with vanilla--this is the latest craze. I'm not into coffee but this stuff....wow. I discovered it last week and have three since then. I'm starting to schedule my drive home around coffee joints that serve the stuff. Anyone know where to get this drink in Lansing? I'm screwed if I can't have it on the weekends....

Star Wars III

No, I can't wait.

Yes, I am going opening day.

No, I don't have high expectations.

Yes, that was a lie.

No, I didn't like Jar Jar Binks.

Yes, I like Part II better than Part I.

Why Star Wars? Why me?

Growing up, I had four male cousins in my age group: Ryan, Chris and Cory are 1-2 years older than I and then Greg who is a year younger. This was who I played with most of the time. They weren't into GI Joe like my step-brother. They were into Star Wars soooo I was forced to like Star Wars. I remember going to see Empire with Ryan and sitting in the very front row. I was four-years-old and recall staring at my shoes during the scary parts (my legs were sticking straight out because I was so little). It was assumed I would always be Leia when we were playing. Usually, Leia didn't have a big part and I would end up sitting in a chair by myself watching them. When my cousin Ryan moved to London, he had to give his prized collection of Star Wars toys to Cory. I'm not so sure Cory took the best care of them. Needless to say, I don't think Ryan got them back when his family moved to Ohio. Good times....

Yes, I have a think for Star Wars. I enjoy the stories behind the stories like how Han and Chewie met and Boba Fett's escape from the sarlacc. I do want to be one of those people who sports a costume on opening day but I won't.

I'm trying to get the cousins together to watch this last episode. We'll see....

Germany

I told God I didn't want to go to Germany. I received another $100 check. It must be God's way of smiling and saying, "That's nice, dear..."

Oh, and don't get me wrong. Sometimes I pull a Moses and feel totally unqualified to go but then God sends a little reassurance my way. I pray the rest of the Germany team is doing alright. I haven't seen them in a few weeks. We're getting closer to our $$ due date....ahhhhhh!!!!! Still, I'm not too concerned about the $$ part. I've got about $800 to go but still have more letters to send. So if you're reading this and smiling to yourself because you haven't received a Germany letter from me, I would stop smiling now. And for those of you that have contributed....wow. Thank you. I'm completely humbled every time I get a donation, no matter how much the amount. And for those that haven't been able to contribute, like I said in your letter, we need people praying for us, too. Thank you for those prayers. But, official thank yous will come later when you receive your "Meat-on-a-stick" souvenirs from the trip.

Passport Part 2

I have one. Yay!

Bragging? Oh well...

These were just too cool not to post.

Obnoxious pastor #1
Obnoxious pastor #2

(Work phone rings)
Me: Hello?
Joey: Holly, I can't find my cat.
Me: Oh no. Which one?
Joey: Hemi...I went to let the dogs out and now I just can't find him...I'm panicking here.
Me: He's in the basement.
Joey: No, I already checked. I called him, shook his food because he usually comes running and nothin. He's disappeared.
Me: Oh no. What are you going to do? You have baseball practice...
Joey: I'm really panicking. Where could he have gone? Wait. There he is.
Me: Where?
Joey: Walking towards me. (To cat) Where were you, Hemi?
Me: Did he tell you?
Joey: No. (To cat) Don't ever do that again, Hemingway. That was bad.
Me: What would you have done if you couldn't find him?
Joey: Cancel practice.
Me: And you would tell them you were canceling practice because....
Joey: ....because I can't find my cat.
Me: This might be an exceptional time to lie. I have to go back to work now.
Joey: Okay, bye.

Food Horror Stories

The picky post along with the recent attention fast foods have been getting has prompted me to post my story about the Burger King in Mason. I totally forgot to blog this after it happened. Here it is for those that didn't hear it directly from me.

It was February 18th, 2005. I was starving. I decided to stop in at the Mason's BK to get a Whopper Jr. with cheese. I don't think I had one since that dark day in 7th grade. I was all excited when I received the burger and as I ate it, I started thinking about Shamrock Shakes and when they would be coming back to McDonald's. Huh? That's random. I thought the same thing. Why would I be thinking about Shamrock Shakes? I finished the burger and was almost to my Grandma's house when I realized...there was gum in my mouth...and it wasn't mine. I wanted to die.

Anyone else have some gross stories?

Picky

It's time to get this out in the open. I am a picky eater but probably not how you think I would be picky. My fussiness changes at random with the different moods I'm in. Here are examples of what I mean:

• I'll eat chicken wings, but only the white part. You couldn't pay me to put the whole thing in my mouth. Uh-uh. No way. Too many tendons and bloody things.
• Sometimes, most times, I won't eat chicken at all because sometimes it tastes like wet dogs. Joey thought I was insane when I told him this until our trip last year to Cleveland. We stopped at a KFC and I made him taste some of my meal. He frowned and said in a low voice, almost as if he were speaking to himself, "it DOES taste like wet dogs."
• When I was in 7th grade, I took a bite out of Jr. Whopper with cheese. I pulled this long, grayish looking this out of my mouth. My 7th grade history teacher (he brought us honor students to BK for a treat) said, "oh, it's just a piece of grizzle." Um, no thanks, man.
• If I'm eating fish and there is a part that is more brown or gray than the other white parts, I'll eat around it.
• I don't like to re-heat pizza.
• I'll freeze stuff and throw it out to make room for other stuff I want to freeze that I will end up throwing out to make room for more stuff I want to freeze...
• Steak = yuck, tastes too much like blood.
• I don't trust meats, chicken or fish in frozen, microwave meals. This causes a big problem for lunchtime.

I could go on and on and probably will think of more to post in the future. I'm sure those that know me well have their own stories of when I spit out this or that. I can't help it.

Yesterday, though, I didn't feel full after eating my soup. I prayed to God that someone would offer me a treat later in the day so I didn't get too hungry. It wasn't so much a prayer as it was, "it would be nice if..." Around 3:00, I spotted Anita eating something at her desk.

Me: What are you eating?

Anita: Crazy bread. Want some?

Me: When did you buy it?

Anita: Last night.

Me: Um, no thanks.

Anita: Why not?

Me: I..uh..don't like to heat up bread.

Anita: I don't understand.

Me: I'm not hungry. No thanks.

Anita: Why...you picky, little girl. If you were one of my daughters I would spank you.

Me: I know! I know I'm picky and I know it's horrible!

Anita: You wouldn't have these choices if you lived in a third world country.

Me: Maybe that's why God chose me to live here because he knew I would never make it somewhere else.

Anita: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Come on (grabs my wrist and pulls me to the kitchen).

Me: (Laughing) Fine, Anita. I'll have some Crazy bread.

Anita: Darn right you will. And you'll thank God for it.

I told her how I had asked God for a treat in the afternoon.

Anita: Well, He listened to you.

Me: But I said, "Um, no thanks, God. That wasn't what I had in mind."

Anita: All the more reason to eat the bread (takes it out of the microwave and hands it to me with a smile).

So, yeah, that's me. I'm a little concerned how things are going to go in Germany....

Sick

"Holly, you're like a soft serve ice cream machine."
--My supervisor, Jim, after listening to me blow my nose for the 5th time in two minutes.

Yes, I'm sick...AGAIN. What is going on with my immune system? It sucks, bad. At least this wasn't as severe. I went home early Tuesday with a temp of 102.5 but felt tons better yesterday. Still, it is the same old song and dance. Drink the OJ, drink the green tea, take the vitamins, shove the tissue up the nostrils cuz the nose hurts too bad to blow anymore and eat the double noodle soup. Yuck.

Happy 5/5/05

My little sister is getting married today in Vegas. I wish I could go but my money situation with Germany has already caused me to cancel the family trip to Chicago. Maybe later in the year (for Chicago that is). I spoke to both Fawn and Darren as they were boarding their plane yesterday morning. I got chills because I could feel Fawn glowing through the phone. She is so happy and deserves it. I got a little teary as I wished her the best of luck and reiterated how much I wish I could be there. Best wishes to the Youngs!

He Talks With Us

I found that Ben’s parents feel very comfortable around me. They remember me as a special friend of Ben’s who helped him mourn his brother. I approached both and we kind of skipped through the “so how’s work?” “where are you living now?” small talk. We went straight to the “here is what is going on in our lives and this is how we're feeling” meaningful discussions. Ben’s dad, I’m not going to lie….isn’t doing so well. I don’t know if he ever will. He feels so lost and empty. We talked for quite awhile about his sons and his marriage. Please, say a little prayer for him after you read this sentence.

I also spoke to Ben’s mom, Sharon. She is a deeply faithful, Christian woman who is married to a pastor, Ben’s step-father. We shared some cute little stories and I told her how much glory Ben and the entire family bring to the Lord by continuing to have faith. Her eyes got a little misty and she said, “Can I tell you something?” I nodded eagerly. “Well…when Stevie called me and said, ‘mom, they couldn’t save him! They couldn’t save him! He’s gone…’ I didn’t quite understand. It took me a few weeks before I really felt the loss. I was in the middle of a grocery store and just started sobbing, right there in the aisle. I cried for my loss but I also cried not really knowing where Simeon had stood in his beliefs of Christ. Where was my baby? I arrived home and Richard said, ‘hon, come into the living room. I want you to hear a song I just wrote for Simeon.’ As he played the song on the piano, I listened and cried at the beauty of the song. It was made up of different little verses in the Bible and the chorus was mainly ‘be still and know that I am God.’ Later in the day, I decided to go through some boxes and I found one full of arts and crafts the kids had made years ago. I came across this little piece of birch, rolled up with a string tied around it. Carefully, I unrolled it trying not to break the frail bark. In Simeon’s 7-year-old handwriting were the written words ‘be still and know that I am God.’ God was really trying to make a point to me. He has everything under control and he has my son, Simeon.”

I smiled in response to her story. “He really does talk to us. We just have to listen.”