Grandma King

Joey's Grandma King passed away at 2:20 a.m. this morning. We kissed the top of her head and said goodbye at 1:30 a.m. When we left, we knew it was the last time but her heart beat was so strong we thought...maybe?

Joey would be much better writing about Janet. What I know about her is so general. She is from a town in Ohio called Mogadore. Her relatives had a rich history there. She met and married Joe Morgan who died of Lupus when their son was six and their daughter, Reta, was just four. A short time later, she married one of the most eligible bachelors in the area, Robert King. They had two more children, Laura and Robin. Somehow, she came to live in the Lansing area and was a member of First Christian Church.

She was in pain most of the time I knew her due to rheumatoid arthritis. It destroyed her feet and her hands. She was a tiny woman with a fiery attitude but she could also be sweet and reflective.

Grandma King fought to accept the grace given to us by God. She just couldn't see how He could really forgive us. I watched last night in her last hours as her grandson, named after her first husband, whispered in her ear, "let go, Grandma. It's okay. We love you but you can go now." When we opened her Bible, there was a note which said, "read John 5:36." So we read it to her.

36"I have testimony weightier than that of John. For the very work that the Father has given me to finish, and which I am doing, testifies that the Father has sent me. 37And the Father who sent me has himself testified concerning me. You have never heard his voice nor seen his form, 38nor does his word dwell in you, for you do not believe the one he sent. 39You diligently study[c] the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, 40yet you refuse to come to me to have life.

41"I do not accept praise from men, 42but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts. 43I have come in my Father's name, and you do not accept me; but if someone else comes in his own name, you will accept him. 44How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God[d]?

We took a break from our visit to have a wonderful dinner with my aunt Ginny and uncle Lynn. It was such a great time. Lots of laughter, lots of planning. We visited the Coles and the Yi afterward and really felt the exhaustion as we drove back to Holt. We wanted to wait until tomorrow to see her again but my heart was leading us back to Janet...and all Joey needed was the reassurance to go.

So we went back and spent the last few hours with her. We probably had too good of a time, laughing with Joey's cousins Travis and Jessica along with Aunt Diana. But there were serious moments, too, like when Jessica discovered Grandma's feet had turned blue within an hour. This young, college co-ed rubbed lotion on her dying grandmother's feet to bring them back. She then rubbed lotion on her arms and massaged her legs. I will never forget this image of Jessica in bed with Grandma as Joey rubbed Grandma's head and held her hand.

We drove home that night listening to "Nothing But The Blood" by Ish. I must mention how moving it is when you need to hear a hymn like this one and this particular time but you not only need to hear the hymn but two of your friends voices are singing it to you.

I dropped Joey off at his house and was in my bed by 2:05. She died soon after and Joey called me around 3:00. I felt relief that this woman didn't have to struggle for breath anymore. I had knelt next to her bed praying for Jesus to come and take her. She was a fighter. She came through several heart surgeries. She was in and out of the hospital taunting death but it needed to be over now. Thank you, Jesus.

It is sad that she will not be at our wedding. She never got to see any of her grandchildren marry and she never held a great-grandchild. She also never met her unborn grandchild due at Thanksgiving. Of course, there's a million other things she never did but the things that count are the ones did do. Janet was loved and loved and was saved from her sins.

Check it out

http://rivrunner.blogspot.com/

Dependence Day

Two years ago today, I was flying over the Atlantic arriving home from an exhausting journey. I was so happy and relieved to be back in the U.S. The first thing I did when I got off the plane was buy a Vernor's.

So much has changed since then but I'm still glad to be right where I am.

Joey and I went to Columbus to visit a very sick friend this past weekend. The trip was a little intense for us and at one point, I was calling anyone I could think of asking for prayer. I got through to Suz and she prayed for me over the phone. Really, this weekend was about not listening to Satan tell me I'm not good enough to do work for God. It was about having faith, not fear, when God asks you to do something.

We met up for dinner with Bob and Terra. Bob is Krissie's ex-boyfriend turned best friend and Terra is his fiance. We had fun seeing downtown Columbus and then seeing the house Bob and Terra are moving into after their marriage in October.

We stayed at Terra's house. She lives with her parents and her father is the head pastor of the church. Christ is so cool (I say that all the time). These people didn't even know us but put us up for the night. And the rooms were like out of a bed and breakfast. Four poster, canopy beds with plush duvet's and a step stool to get into the bed.

The following morning we attended church with them. I felt like we were on a TV show. Everything was so white and big. The church was huge and it made me wonder if this is what Riv will look like soon. It made me almost wish to keep our church the same.

The pastor who taught said something really cool. Christians have the freedom to obey and freedom comes to those who walk in obedience.

During our trip, Joey and I were listening to Paul Harvey. He said the following: Americans think freedom means Independence but really it is a DEPENDENCE to follow the laws of this nation in order to keep it free. Our founding fathers did not see this as an opportunity to go nuts with freedoms. They were dependent on God and His will. Freedom not to do whatever you want, but freedom to do what you ought.

Transformers

We got in line two and a half hours early. Really, it wasn't necessary but it made Jr. and Joey feel better. Plus, we beat the other nerds there by about 15 minutes. We were decked out in our Transformers t-shirts and ready to roll out. Here is the cast of characters:

Joey
Les
Amy Corr
Me
Bradley
Lyndsay
Reta
Denny
Rebecca
Bobby D
Ben Shoe

Weird but there were a TON of Christians there. Yes, we can pick each other out in a crowd (plus we saw you there in the second row, JR Miller).

Truly, I liked this movie. Some of it was a little too sexual for the younger crowd and some of the humor was...dumb...but it was the humor I like. I never watched Transformers growing up but I could really buy into the whole nostalgia stuff and I knew some of it came from the cartoon. Plus, seeing Joey as excited as I am over a chocolate martini made me happy.

Seriously, go see this movie. Don't make me slap you.

Rainbow

She was a little freaked out when the doctor said, "We're going to need you to come back in for an ultrasound." During the previous appointment, the doctor had said the lump was nothing to be concerned about and an ultrasound probably wasn't necessary. Now it was.

She tried not to panic as she waited for the nurse but breast cancer at 31, or any age, was enough to freak out about. Her baby was going to a year old on Wednesday and father's day was sad. It had been far too long since her dad died and she could really use his reassurance right now. He was always there for her and had promised her rainbows when things went wrong. The day he died, a rainbow stretched across the sky and made her smile.

The technician entered the room and began the ultrasound. The tech found the lump and she held her breath as fear crept into her body.

"Is it still raining outside?" the tech suddenly asked.

She couldn't believe this person was making small talk!

"Uh, yeah, when I came in it was."

"Ya know, I saw the biggest rainbow this morning. It was the biggest I'd ever seen," the tech went on.

Chills went down her spine and peace settled over her. She knew at that moment everything was going to turn out fine.

And it did. The lump turned out to be scar tissue from a previous surgery.

"I just knew my dad was with me, Holly, and God, too," she told me just moments ago.

"Rainbows are a promise from God," I responded.

God is so cool.

Crusin with the Crew

Wednesdays (most of them) from 7-9 pm I can be heard live on the Crusin with the Crew show on 1460 AM or on your internet www.wpon.com. It's been pretty fun interviewing Paul Le Mat and Davy Jones from the Monkees. I'm not that great of a special guest/host but I've been having a blast. My parents listen online and call in requests. You can, too because I think we have 4 or 5 other listeners.

Weird Week

This week has been incredibly weird.

First, the flight that went down in Lake Michigan. How freaky is that?

Then, the girl who was abducted from the Target parking lot in Kansas. It made women everywhere pay more attention to their surroundings.

And then, a popular disc jockey on WMUZ, a Christian radio station, died suddenly on Monday night at the age of 46. Rhonda Hart did the morning show on this station. She went to lunch with her colleagues, went home and died in her sleep.

I also heard about some lost pregnancies.

Man, my prayers are with you all and I'm really praying for a less creepy week.

Turn and face the strange....

Remember how I wrote about not really wanting to change so I felt like God was going to change my surroundings to shake me up a bit? I still hold to that.

Someone recently told me they think I don't like death because I don't like change. There are some changes people embrace but I think every kind of change means letting go of something else...and when you let go of that something else, most times there is a little bit of sadness there.

I do not think I have a problem with death. It just happens in my life a lot. I have a friend who has never been to a funeral where he knew the person personally. I attended my first funeral at the age of 12. So you see, I do think death is sad even if the person was a Christian but I find it devastating if the person wasn't. I think my outlook is a pretty healthy one.

But this post isn't about death...so to speak.

I moved into a new apartment last week. Well, technically, it's new but I actually lived in the apartment across the parking lot in 2003. The whole thing is freaking me out. As much as I loved 2003, I don't want to go back there and I feel like I went back in time. My apartment faces a different direction but it is the same, exact set up. The other day, I thought about who I was the last time I moved in which would have been October 2002.

Who moved me the first time? Dean, Errol, my mom and Francois.
Who moved me in this time? Joey, Travis and Yi

I was dating BT last time.
I am engaged to JAC now.

My closest friends were Ry, Bek, Ang, Patrick, Russ, Andy, Jake, M & B and BT
Now: JAC, Yi, Jennwy, Peter, Krissie and some other people who I am growing closer to all the time. Please don't misunderstand. I still love the people I was close to then and I'm still somewhat close to them now but not like we were. Our lives have changed. Crazy thing is that I didn't even know the people I would consider my closest peeps today. Didn't even know they existed. That thought hit me so hard when I was walking through my living room on Wednesday. There was no Yi. There were no Awesomes. No Lilly's. No Megs. None of them except for Joey but he was a memory at the time. All of that changed me. And why was that?

Then: I followed me.
Now: I follow Christ.

I became a Christian while I lived in these apartments in 2002-2003. In the past week, I have found myself in various spots and remembered certain things. This is where Joey signed my Bible. This is where my mom and I had a discussion. Joey told me he loved me right here. I shared the gospel for the first time in this room.

It's crazy. So many things have been reminding me how far I have come as a Christian. A friend of mine told me not to measure my "progress" but hey, I have come a long way! I have another posting about that later, though.

Let me know if you want to come visit me. I get really lonely (especially without cable TV).

The Unsinkables

They walked down the aisle to some movie soundtrack.

They walked back down the aisle to another movie soundtrack.

They had us sing two hymns during the wedding and I loved both.

The wedding party came out to the reception to the A-Team theme song.

The groom dedicated a Wilco song to his wife.

They cut the cake with a sword.

They had buffet "stations": Italian, Chinese, American and a mashed potato bar.

You've got to be kidding me.

Meg's wedding was simply fantastic and awesome. I am so honored she asked me to be a witness to her vows. I pray the Unsinkables will be unsinkable. I'll miss our Meg because we are losing her to Cincinnati...but we are gaining a David. Thank you, Meg for a lovely wedding.

The other parts of the weekend were interesting, too.

We left a little late for Ohio. An unplanned stop to Woody's Oasis and Wendy's held us up. The trip down there was full of interesting discussions between Joey, Yi, Peter and I. Jenny, Dana and Amanda were in the car in front of us. We each paid $35 total for a two night stay at a really nice hotel. We went to breakfast at a restaurant called Riverview. Yeah, that's right.

Riverview restaurant.

After we ate, we decided to sight see. Except, I forgot to pack a strapless bra...so, we spent the afternoon at the mall. Yeah, totally American. But we had fun and look at the yummy treat which greeted us:
The wedding and reception were in an old, beautiful church.

I love this picture.

Such a fantastic time.

On the way home, we got to see the scary Jesus in the daylight, drove through lake waters trying to get back home, and stopped at Peter's favorite restaurant: Schlotzsky's. Here is a picture of pure happiness:

Honeycombs

Two weeks ago, I was minding my own business, driving home from work when the DJ on the radio suddenly mentioned Honeycomb cereal. I suddenly had a craving I couldn't get rid of. I drove straight to the store and purchased a large box. That was on a Monday. By Friday, they were gone. All me.

I knew I couldn't get through the weekend without them so Joey and I went to Kroger last Friday and I purchased another big box. I took my first bite and....yuck. They were gross...stale. Sunday, we returned them to the store and I tool a chance on another box. We had a winner.

The side-story to this is that my step-dad does the grocery shopping. He always buys whatever my mom and I desire. So, I mentioned my new Honeycomb addiction. Dean went to the store Wednesday and bought some. This morning, he decided he would have a bowl. My mom approached him as he exclaimed, "well...would you look at this! They sold me a box of cereal that's already been opened...AND it look at the sticker on it!" My mom read the sticker: Customer Return...Not for Resale...Scan out as Known Loss." They both stood there for a moment when my mom suddenly started laughing. "Where did you buy these from, Dean?" "Kroger."

Yes, this is the box of Honeycombs that wouldn't go away. It is the exact same box I returned to Kroger on Sunday and here they are, back at home. But they will be going back to Kroger again and I'm going to watch the employee throw them out. It's crazy. I mean, I realize Holt is a small town but is it really that small?

Another one passes on

Dan says I write about death a lot. Not that I do it in an unhealthy way, according to him. I wonder why I do. I know it's because it keeps happening in my life. It started when I was 12 and will continue until I pass on.

I almost didn't write this entry because I don't want people to think I'm obsessed with death or things related to death. Then I realized Dan wasn't putting me down. It's just a part of me, a part of all of us. That's the deal, right? You get to be born and you get to die. Well, except for me. I won't die.

My step-father's mother passed away Monday around 2:30ish. My sister and I were having a conversation about her and how morbid everyone was being about the situation. We thought people were giving up on her and she needed something more. As we were talking, the Lord took his daughter home. I found out about 10 minutes later. Incredible sadness came over me but I was also stunned.

Grandma (Mary) Cook was such a spitfire. She was sharp and witty; a short woman devoted to her Catholic faith. She modeled as a young lady and went on to marry, have three children and then divorce. She lived near St. Lawrence hospital with Miss Kitty and loved her garden. She was a part of the red hat society which kept her busy. She did my mom's taxes. She e-mailed.

Grandma Cook did something remarkable for me two years ago. She found out about the mission trip to Koln and paid the last $200 we needed to go. Of course, now I'm kicking myself because I never got around to showing her the pictures or telling her any of the stories. I also could have visited more...regrets do hurt.

Joey and I went to visit her about a month ago. She was staying in the St. John's nursing home. This is a place people get parked to pretty much die. We found her curled up, half asleep on her bed. Waking up, she was pleased to see us there. We visited awhile and talked about heaven. She said that after she was done with purgatory, then the blessed mother would great her and take her to Jesus. Joey and I just smiled. She didn't seem to scared to die but she made it known she wasn't ready to give up. I'm just not sure what happened...

Today was sad. I'm truly feeling the extinction of a generation. I know this is how Mary felt watching her grandparents and parents die. And I know the death is not permanent but it still feels a little more lonely in this world. As I gain years, the time is running out. Gain and loss. It will be so painful to watch the old ones die as the new ones are born. One generation fades as another burns brightly. Sometimes, it doesn't make any sense to me. At the most, I have faith in a God that conquered death and I just don't see how anyone could get through it without Jesus...um...cuz you can't.

"If you can't obey God, how can you resist the devil?" JM

Joey and I weren't going to make a big deal about it but we decided to quit drinking for a little while. It just seemed like so many of our Christian friends were taking advantage of their freedom to drink. We wanted to swing back the other way by showing its okay not to drink as a Christian, too. It was kind of funny but the only place this became difficult was at a "Christian" party. So anyway, that's our story and why we've declined your drink offers. Though, we appreciate the understanding that comes along with it, too.

I can't wait for a chocolate martini.

So, this is the guy I'm going to marry...

Joey and I went to see Spider man 3 last Sunday. The lights dimmed and from the corner of my eye, I saw Joey point his wrist toward the movie screen. Was he...pretending to be Spidey? I turned my head for a better look. Sure enough, his fingers were pointed and his wrist was up Spidey style. He didn't see me see him...at first. But I couldn't control my laughter. How flippin cute is that? Crazy cute is what it is....

Yesterday, Joey's sister, Joey and I were at the parent's house. Joey wanted to go saleing--garage saleing. So, the three of us set out. Over the course of several houses, Joey managed to get a free coffee maker and free HD antena thingy. Bekkie, Joey's sister, said, "who is this guy?! People just give him stuff." Yeah, it's like that a lot of times when you roll with JC. People just love him and they aren't sure why.

I'm going to be on the radio tonight from 7pm to 9pm. No one in Lansing can listen but I guess you can listen online at www.wpon.com. I'll be talking about the movie American Graffiti and interviewing Paul Le Mat who played John Milner in the movie. I'm finally using my college degree :o0

That storm last night was pretty crazy. I was reading next to my window and the light was fading. A hot breeze was floating into the room and it suddenly took a sharp, cold turn. As if God had blown a candle out, so went the lights in my condo. The wind picked up fiercely and then the rains came. Not a whole lot of lightening and thunder, though. I love Spring :o)

Edges are scary places

As a runner, I know I have to be careful when the ground I'm running on changes. I don't especially like the shoulder but it is a little softer and easier on the body. Transitioning from the concrete to the shoulder can be tricky because you can easily fall off the edge. Do that and you might have a twisted ankle, knee or something else horrible.

Thoughts churn through my mind while running and the other day, the following popped in there:

• I need to be careful when I move over for cars. I could fall off the pavement and get really hurt. It might take a long time to recover.

• Whoa. Life is like that, isn't it?

• The razor sharp line Noel talked about...this is like that, except I can't run on the line. I have to pick one or the other: the road or the shoulder. But that's the line. If I run too far into the road, I could be roadkill. If I run too far off the shoulder, the roadkill could eat me.

I thought about some friends of mine who seem to be falling off their road. They are going too far into the land of temptation. Dare I say this but...I remember when I was caught in my sin cycle a couple of years ago. I would do the sin thinking, "I'll just repent right afterwards." Do Christians abuse their forgiveness? Do we sometimes take advantage of what Christ did for us? "I'll do this sin now because I'm already covered."

I'm pretty charged up about Christians acting like a bunch of asses right now (that statement might just make me a hypocrite). I prayed the other day for us as a whole. Yes, we need to be in the world but people need to see something different in us! Why do we continue to gossip? Why are we getting drunk? Doing drugs? Curse like it is part of our everyday language? Have sex? Stay up late acting like a fool? Cutting people off in traffic? Demanding our own way? How is any of this different than a pre-Christian??

They need to see a difference in us to ask us about it. We can screw up, I get that but why aren't some of us changing? The other day, I asked Joey if people hear the same messages I do at Riverview. A week later, he asked me the same question. It isn't that he and I are perfect but the Holy Spirit is so alive with us...it puts the brakes on or points out our sin soon afterward.

When you become a Christian, you shed your reputation and become a new creation...to God. But to everyone else, you are still the same person. Now, however, you are carrying Christ's reputation with you. After some time, people see that light and ask you about it. But you can't carry the reputation of Christ inside of you, go out and get drunk without feeling like something is wrong. The other day, I caught myself gossiping. I caught myself? No, the Holy Spirit pointed it out to me. I had to repent. The next time I want to gossip, I'll feel that stopping signal. I can ignore it or listen.

Are you feeling me out there? Am I being too harsh? Please understand I'm not ragging on people who have a problem. They know they do...I hope. But the ones who are falling off the road, or falling off the edge, they are walking too close to it and flirting with too much danger. I know because I've fallen, as we all have. I challenge all of us to truly listen to the Spirit instead of silencing it.

Myers Family

This picture makes me want to have a good cry. I look at this family and almost forget what my friend Jason was like as a single guy. All of those wrong turns led to the right turn with Greta. And now, when I see how God has blessed them, it makes me want to cry...in a good way. They all look so meant to be, as they are.

So....uh...Greta, can you do a wedding on May 25, 2008? I LOVE your photography...and all of you. Can't wait to meet the babies.

I hung up the phone and continued to dry my hair. "Damn," I thought as the news sank in more. As I rushed around the condo, my memory traveled to and event that happened years and years ago, but it changed my life completely.

The name of the street I grew up on was Five Point Hwy. The reason I lived there was because my mom and I were shacking up with her boyfriend, Lee. Lee had grown up in the house we lived in. His three best friends all lived within 5 miles of each other. There was Alan Shumaker and Allen Tirrell, the farmers and then Kevin Fullerton, the fire chief. They all played softball together and I remember spending a lot of time at their homes as a youngster. Allen and Alan were so close they ended up marrying Cindy and Sharon, sisters. Not their sisters...watch it.... They also divorced these sisters and remarried.

1988 was a rough year. My friend Kim had died in March (just for your reference, I knew Kim because Cindy married her Kim's father). I had also started going to Charlotte Jr. High, which I hated. The weather was bleak in November and I remember watching the snow fall from Cindy's living room window in Jackson. The phone rang and Karen, Kim's sister, answered. She came into the living room in shock.

"Allen Tirrell died."

I couldn't comprehend her words. "Allen Tirrell...as in Uncle Allen?" We had always called him that.

It was true. The second horrible part was that he died on Five Point Hwy...a mile from my house. Cindy told us to pack our stuff because she was taking us home early. The events of the day unfolded as we drove back to Charlotte.

We don't know why Allen was driving east on Five Point. It was early, early morning when he crashed. We also never found out why...but we knew where: the little country bridge, just before Brookfield Road. His truck hit the cement pillar of the little bridge. He flew forward into the windshield and his life was over.

Kevin, the other best friend of the group, arrived on the scene afterward. He was the first one. The way I remember it was that Kevin didn't realize it was Allen's truck. He didn't recognize his best friend slumped over the steering wheel. Being a firefighter, he called the authorities but the jaws of life had to be used to pull Allen out. When Kevin realized who the victim was...well, I was never told that part of the story.

The funeral was sad. Allen's wife, 2 year-old son and 1-year-old daughter were there. His whole family and all of his friends were there, too. Yeah, two devastating funerals in one year for all of them. Allen had helped carry Kim's casket.

The accident was crazy close to where I lived. If you can view this map, you'll see Brookfield Road and then to the left, the third house down on the right, was mine. We rode our bikes down there in the spring, finding pieces of broken glass, plastic, remnants from a horrible day. But it also changed my life directly. After the accident, Lee spent most of his free time in the bar, not coming home to us. My mom was finally tired of it all and that following summer, we left. It probably would have happened anyway, but his death was the catalyst.

I thought about all of this as I drove into work today. When I got to work, I didn't search the name Allen Tirrell. I searched the name Duane Tirrell and found this article on LSJ.com:

Charlotte man was devoted to land--Duane Tirrell died doing what he loved: farming

So, now Allen's brother is gone now, too. My prayers go to a family who has lost so much.

If You Won't Change, I'll Change Everything Else

Months ago, the Lord told me to do something I didn’t want to do. Over and over the message came at me but I couldn’t do it and I still don’t want to. I do have free will, right? The problem is in my faith. Do I think God is going to leave me out in the cold? Do I not trust Him with my best interests?

A few years ago, God wanted me to make a change in my life. I fought it. So, God did something else. He changed everything on the outside. He moved me to a new area in the company. He moved all of my close friends away from me. He moved me physically to a new housing situation. I wouldn’t move…so He moved me. Finally, I said okay. It would have turned out better had I followed Him after saying okay to Him but I followed myself.

Last week, I realized God is doing this again. He is moving me physically because I won’t move spiritually. I’m going to be on a new team with a new supervisor in two weeks. I need to move into a new apartment in a few weeks, too. God is precise and direct. Will I finally say yes to Him?

Stars shine
Trees Grow and if I stay
Unchanged
I fear the rocks will cry out...

What a weekend

It started with waiting for Joey to finish coaching softball. Then, we went to Finley's for a Michigan Cherry Salad. I felt blah so I went back to my mom's to sleep.

Saturday, I lied to the RivRunners, causing them to run further than normal. Next, Jenny and I did a mad dash to the mall to buy Meg some embarrassing gifts. At Meg's bridal shower, we enjoyed chocolate while Meg blushed. Then, it was back to my mom's where I rested a minute, changed clothes, picked up my father and headed to his class reunion. While waiting for the reunion, I saw the Piston's win on the TV to the right and the Red Wings win two minutes later on the TV to the left. Pretty flippin cool. My evening was spent with the Laingsburg class of 1966. Man, they are a fun group!

Sunday, after church, I ran the Koman (which you can read about in a different post). Then, Yi, Joey and I made hamburgers at Joey's. Afterward, we met up with my sister, bro-in-law, niece, nephew, mom and step-dad at Sweet Sensation's for Max's birthday. See, Max, the dog, turned 1 that day so the family took him out for some ice cream. Sounds dumb but it was pretty cool. Another interesting weekend passes by...

Koman Race for the Cure 2007

Overall:420
Bib: 925
28:05: Final Time
Chiptime: 27:27

I started the race with J.T. thinking I could maybe keep up with him (what a joke). As soon as we crossed the start line, J.T. yelled "35!" and then he vanished into thin air. I knew what "35" meant, though. We crossed the start line when the clock was at 35 seconds. So, I knew whatever the clocks said on the course, I had to subtract 35 seconds from it. I hit my baby wall around 1/2 a mile. Not sure why I do this but my body acts like it is going to shut down about a 1/2 mile into any race or actually into any run of mine. I pretend like it isn't happening and push through it. It lasts about a minute and then, I'm usually a running machine.

The weather was beautiful...and hot...and windy. We ran behind the captial and at one point, we ran past the Michigan Historical Museum. I suddenly remembered being 12 or 13 and working a water station for the Run For Shelter race. It was an awesome memory and propelled me through another 1/4 mile.

We went up and down the streets behind the capital and at one point, the wind was so strong, I was running in place. But the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts was on my MP3 player and the lyrics really pushed me on.

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

No walky for me. The other thing that kept pushing me on was hearing Todd Thie's voice before I left, "You will break 28 minutes today. Push hard after that 2nd mile." Well, after that 2nd mile, I was dead tired. I would try to step it up a bit but quickly, I moved back to a slower pace. It was around this time I started thinking about the Breast Cancer survivors, the ones who have it now and the ones who didn't survive. I saw the sign "In memory of Barb Farmer" on the back of someone's shirt and it inspired me to keep going.

I rounded the 2nd to last curb. This was where the good-looking police officer was standing. I admit to going out of my way just to high five him but it really encouraged me to step it up again. So did all of the people cheering us on from the sidelines. I knew MY people were on the corner of Capital street, though. Soon enough, I saw them...but there was a surprise there, too.

Joey had made it from Riverview to cheer me on. I saw him and then saw Todd sitting on the ground. He was yelling at me hard while taking pictures. Joey was holding up 2 fingers signaling how many blocks I had. Apparently, J.T. was there, too but there was so much going on. I turned that last corner and I tried to light it up. Problem was that I was running up a steady, small slope. The finish line looked a hundred years away. I could hear Joey yelling at me and running with me on the sidewalk. J.T. was right there, too. I tried...I really tried to push it but I was out of steam. Just before crossing the finish line, I saw my step-mom yelling for me. I gave her a half hearted wave, all I could muster, and then I crossed the finish line. 28 minutes. But after subtracting the 35 seconds, my actual time was 27:27. My personal best and I blasted my goal by 30 seconds.

After the race, someone handed me some sort of orange drink. I took a huge swig and almost threw up. It had fake sugar in it which makes me just sick. I wandered over to a building, calmed myself down, thanked God for getting me through it, and then found my step-mom. It was an awesome race. As we walked around looking for Joey, Todd, J.T., and Yi, people handed me a flower and then someone else put a medal around my neck. It was an awesome feeling. The best feeling, though, was seeing the survivor's faces...smiling through streaming tears, happy to just be there. Way cool.

My house

Check out where I live. Wanna buy it?

My Lord, My God, My Jesus

I have been feeling quite Eeyorey the past few days. The weekend was awesome but the events at Virginia Tech along with my own personal battles have me gloomy. I went running last night to clear my head. I always run with music when running alone but I left the MP3 behind. I wanted to share my time with Jesus.

We ran the route I haven't run since last fall. It felt good to get moving again and pass my old checkpoints. I came to the parking lot of a church and remembered something with a smile. This was the spot God had whispered the word "RivRunners" in my ear. Fascinating. I ran down the side street, talking to the Lord, thanking Him for so much, praying for this and that, confessing some stuff, loving Him, asking for His will.

I ran under two huge pine trees. The branches formed a canopy over my head. It reminded me of being under a weeping willow. I felt sheltered, protected...and then I came out from under the branches. The perfectly blue sky seemed so vast...but I still felt protected. A thought came to me so suddenly, I almost broke down on the sidewalk in tears.

Jesus protects me. He saves me from so much. He gave me free will to choose Him and eventually, I did. But other people do not. They either outright reject Him or they make no decision at all, which is still a decision. Some people take that free will and kill other people, giving them no choice at all, either. But even if someone takes me out, too, I am still protected. They can murder me, destroying my physical body, but God has protected my soul. He's got my back. He may allow me to go through something devastating...so devasting I might shake a fist his way...but He's got me. Never will He foresake me.

I wonder why people put their trust in so many things. I wonder why I fall in that trap, too sometimes. But He pulls me to Him and I'm under His safety. What a wonderful place to be.

Just say no

I’m hurting. I can barely hide it. Vulnerability weighs me down. I keep catching myself staring into nothing, walking with my head down, forcing joy to the surface.

Hear my prayers. I know you do. I want to help but I can’t fall while trying to lift.

Drugs suck. They suck the life out of me and I don’t even take them. They steal from me, lie to me, put me in weird, uncomfortable places…and I’ve never seen them.

I’m not sure where to start and stop. Crying out for Your help and your help, too gives me comfort. I want to feel safe again. That’s what addicts do to you. They can make you feel like you’re the one taking the drugs. But I’m done with the abuse and the drama. At some point, you have to protect yourself…right? Or is that selfish of me? I can see the ones closest to me starting to step up to protect me because I’m not doing it myself. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of a battlefield with bullets zinging by my face but I keep moving toward the gun…and someone is there trying to catch the bullets before they hit me but some have hit me because I’m hurt. Superficial wounds that hurt a ton…like a bitty paper cut that stings worse than a gapping lesion.

The part that almost hurts worse is to see yourself through someone else’s eyes and the way they see you is a complete lie. I remember what my dad told me, “consider the source” but words still hurt. I never thought I was part of the problem. I only served when I thought God wanted me to. I still hold on to that. I won’t believe their lies about me. Isn’t that weird? When someone thinks something of you that isn’t true, you almost second guess yourself. You start to replay every occasion and event wondering if you were part of the problem. I was starting to feel the world against me when really it isn’t the world. I was feeling unloved, a loser. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m done second guessing my actions because then I would be second guessing God. Christ fills my cup, not lies of people who don’t get it.

But the part that does hurt more is listening to the tears, pleas, remorse, promises...and still having to say no. "I love you with all my heart but no. I will do so much for you but no. You are going someplace I'm not...I'll see you if and when you come back."

With all of that said, I still love my friend. I will always love my friend and pray.

Real Quick

I have to read a short story for open mic night at Riv tomorrow. I was going to take one from this blog. Any suggestions? It has to be short which makes me think none of my entries will work. Thanks!

Do you know what is one of the scariest moments in life?

When you flush the toilet and the water starts to come toward you...and you're at someone else's house.

Under Where?

This isn't for the faint of heart.

In trying to break myself of buying the "elite" items in life, I decided I didn't need to be buying Victoria Secret underwear anymore. I've always purchased the 5 for $25 but come on! That's a lot of flippin money for a pair of underwear.

My quest to find something I liked but was affordable led me to the outlet mall--Hanes. I thought i hit the jackpot with all of the sales and specials. My total for 5 pairs of underwear? $22.22. I thought it was a great sign until I realized I'd barely saved any money. The following weekend, I returned them.

My next stop was to Target. They had a sale on the Fruit of a Loom's: 6 pair for $4.99. Now we're talkin! I was so pleased with my find and couldn't wait to try them on. They seemed fine so I adopted them into the family. I knew I was in trouble when I was walking out to the car and already had a wedgie. Screwed! I had to wear them all day at work which was highly uncomfortable and now I'm stuck with a bunch of underwear I can't even wear!

This is so frustrating. I went to VS just to browse...I picked out the 5 pairs I would buy if I wasn't trusting God for something better and cheaper. Sadly, I put them down and walked out. I'll find that perfect pair of underwear...somewhere...

Updates

So, I'm out of the loop a bit. I still love this little blog but I'm limited to the net access. I am picking up a signal from my neighbors but not sure which ones. It is locked so I can't just hop on, though it would make my life so much easier...and I wouldn't be spending so much time at the Coffee Beanery buying the cheapest item I can find (wheat bagel with peanut butter). I've thought about going door to door asking my neighbors but that seems slightly hard up.

I hope Joey gets the internet at his house soon. Please, Joey?

What's new...what's new...

Please pray about my living situation. I want to find a new place to live closer to my work and closer to Lansing for a reasonable price. Right now, I'm spoiled. $400 a month plus the gas bill. Everywhere I've looked puts me at $800 not including gas, water, electric...but my "roommate" is looking to sell the condo so I would rather leave now, get in a 12 month lease which would put me at the end of May 2008 to move out...which leads to some other news...

I think Joey and I set a date! Crazy stuff, huh. Only took us since September. But that's how we roll sometimes. Well, how I roll. We are looking at May 25th, 2008. This was after we realized (thanks to Yi) that May 28th is a Wednesday. So please pray about that for us, too.

RivRunners has taken off! It's amazing what God has done with this group. I spend a lot of time on it but i just dig this ministry a ton. I've met so many more people and it is kind of cool to be the lead person on it...I mean, second in lead behind God. I never thought about being a go to person for a group but wow. The Holy Spirit has really encouraged me and helped me to step into this role. Thank you, Lord for thinking of ME to do this RivRunners thing. Of all people! Way cool....

Okay, before my ramblings put me to sleep...I'm out.

Testimony Tuesday

I started writing my faith story in 2005. It is written in parts and is pretty much a life story. You can view Part 1 here:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/in-beginning.html
Part 2:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/from-methodist-to-catholicism-to.html
Part 3:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/02/full-circle.html
Part 4:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/03/fresh-start_15.html
Part 5:
http://loki22.blogspot.com/2005/04/my-early-20s.html
Finally...after all these years, I'm going to wrap up my faith story and yes, it is a little cheesy with an Avril song mixed in.

January 2003. My life was spiraling out of control. BT and I went to Cincy to celebrate our friend’s 30th birthday. We drove down there not speaking. We drove back not speaking. We hardly spoke at all because we were so angry with each other. What were we angry about? Can’t really tell you anymore. I know there wasn’t a lot of respect but huge amounts of expectation. We failed each other and let the other person know how they failed. I felt alone. I felt desperate. I wanted to be loved and to be in love again but it was so obvious BT and I couldn’t even get along. Our silences lasted weeks. Neither one of us could make a move. I was somehow convinced I was supposed to marry him. I had believed this for five years.

It was easy to escape from him. I lived in Novi, about 15-20 minutes away. I could also go to Lansing any time I wanted…and I wanted to escape. I wanted to get away from everything. I wanted more. I was searching.

The last week of January, a total "coincidence" occurred. I spoke to my mom to set up a hair appointment for the Saturday before the Super Bowl. My mom casually mentioned that one of her clients had just been in…and had asked about me. He was someone I had known but only casually. I took his phone number down. What if I called this guy? I mean, I knew him from high school. He was a freshman when I was a senior. He had the biggest crush on me but I just thought he was cute. I saw him several times over the years. My mom would save the Holt wrestling articles for me and he was in a lot of them. She and I went to his high school graduation open house. I remembered how his eyes lit up when he used to see me. He attended Alma college. I came down there to party during my senior year at CMU. I don’t know how or why but somehow I called this guy during a drunken moment. He came to the frat house and we danced and talked. Over the years, we had kept tabs on each other through my mom. I made the phone call.

We had a short but interesting talk. I was happy to hear he was an elementary art teacher. I was also happy to hear he didn’t have a girlfriend. I asked if he wanted to go to the Mega 80's concert that Friday. He said sure. I got off the phone and felt a little strange because…he mentioned Jesus. Ick. I think we talked about how he was…a Christian. Yuck. I remember telling my mom that we were going to go out on Friday but I finally knew why JAC didn’t have a girlfriend: he was a Jesus Freak. I also felt a little strange because I wasn't sure what my motives were. Meeting up with an old friend?

I don’t know what the heck I was doing. I was lost and searching for something. I wanted to feel good again, good about my life and self. I didn’t feel guilty about going out with him. We each brought a friend and had a blast dancing to 80s music. He was still so cute after all these years. He confessed his crush on me, finally and I laughed. I was definitely a girl who lived for the moment. When my sister and I dropped him off at home (his roommate had left earlier in the night), I asked him to go shopping with me and my nephew the next day. He said sure.

I had an awesome weekend. I felt new and alive. Somebody out there cared for me and showed it. Of course, this left me with a problem. How could I leave the guy I was convinced I was supposed to marry? Did I really want to leave him in the first place? How did I feel about JAC?

February 2003. I was on the brink of turning 27 and celebrating 5 years with BT. But now, I had surrounded myself by confusion…and the confusion was wonderful. I had reconnected with an old friend and there was something else this old friend was bringing me. It was more than just making me feel good about myself again, making me feel loved and wanted. Something bigger and better was taking place.

There was a song out at the time and it really summed up what I was going through.

“I’m standing on the bridge, I’m waiting in the dark, I thought that you’d be here by now. There’s nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground I’m listening but there’s no sound. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” For months, I had felt lost and miserable. My closest friends were quickly becoming the people I worked with. More and more I felt separated from the previous life. Desperate, isolated, unhappy…

“Its that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, won’t you take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who you are but I….I’m with you.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I didn’t have much faith to leap forward. I was unsure how I felt about BT. When I was around him, I felt lonely, bitter, unhappy. I was unsure how I felt about JAC. When I was around him my heart felt light, fluttery and I was happy, secure. JAC extended his hand and I wanted to take it. I wanted to go somewhere with him. I had a feeling it was the right choice but I couldn’t take that leap of faith…because I didn’t have any faith.

“I’m looking for a place, I’m searching for a face, is anybody here I know? Cuz nothing’s going right and everything’s a mess and no one likes to be alone. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” I had to make a decision. I needed more in life. I had been searching for something…something new and lasting. Was it JAC that was trying to find me? Was he going to take me home and finally complete the empty hole in my heart? I barely knew JAC but I took his hand thinking, “yes, this is it.”

“Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I’m just out of my mind…” It was crazy. I walked away from a 5 year relationship that really wasn’t going anywhere but down the shitter. JAC took my hand and led me. I was happy to take his hand and follow. What I soon discovered was that it wasn’t exactly JAC who was looking for me. It wasn’t exactly JAC who was bringing me “home.” It was someone I didn’t know at all but this someone had been trying to get my attention for years. This someone wanted me back. He wanted to fill my heart. JAC opened the doors and led me in.

JAC took me to his church and I allowed myself to go. I was broken, hungover, a mess. I’ve written about it before. I didn’t like his church. It was too new wavy for me. There wasn’t a choir where I could hear my mama singing. There was a band and they played (gasp) Christiany music. There wasn’t even a cross hanging anywhere. My thoughts flashed back to Mt. Hope church. These people were going to suck me in and wash my brain. My memories took me back to the Pentecostal church I had attended with Pat, the woman I used to work with. I thought for sure JAC’s church was going to be like that one. I sat there waiting for people to come flying out of their chairs, waving their arms delieriously, screaming out in tongues or running to the front for an alter call. None of that happened. In fact, the message talked about being in a rut. I could relate. I didn’t attend this church for a few weeks while things were getting sorted out in my life. The cold nights of February turned into warm, pleasant days of March. I started spending every moment of the weekends with JAC. I gave his church another chance.

I was sold. Or…I was bought. Christ was the one searching for me. He wanted me and I found Him through the help of a contemporary church and an old friend. Yes, JAC took my hand and led me there but now…the song that was out at the time…the one that described my life perfectly…it took on a whole new meaning.

“It’s that damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won’t You take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don’t know who You are but I…I’m with You…I’m with You...” I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew Christ was offering me something I had been looking for forever…His everlasting love and acceptance. It would still take me months to really get it…actually, I’ll try to get it for the rest of my life and that’s okay. I remember sitting at Riverview and actually understanding why Christ died on the cross. Can you believe that I never understood that? I had never been taught and it had never been explained. Riv spelled it out for me. “In the OT, people sacrificed lambs to God for the forgiveness of sin. When Christ was on the cross, he became that lamb. He felt every sin ever committed. He felt every sin you have committed and will ever commit. He endured such pain on the cross…for you…and all you have to do is accept that.” I remember almost falling to my knees when I realized how much Christ must love all of us…how much God loves all of us.

So that about wraps up my Jesus story. I mean, I could fill you in on the last four years since I became a Christian or you could just read about all of my struggles on this here blog. I still am always learning and somehow, I still have a child like faith. Christ saved me when I was so weak. And when I’m weak now, I think about that time when everything fell into place. When Christ gave me the best opportunities to get to know the real Him, not the one from the Catholic church that made me feel guilty. Not the one who looked like a pansy hanging out in a field of flowers. The real, powerful, almighty, loving Jesus Christ.

You are mistaken

The entry posted earlier this week was not made by a pastor. It was made by a teenage girl who was giving the scripture lesson to the congregation for Youth Sunday. The theme was about making mistakes. We all make mistakes...even God makes mistakes. I'm not trying to embarress this girl but I flew into "uh-oh" mode. She was a product of her lesson. She made a mistake.

I guess my issue was that her Youth teachers had listened to the sermon several times before she went in front of the church to give it. And no one clarified afterward. And where did she get such an idea that our perfect Lord makes mistakes? She didn't just say it once. She said it several times over an hour.

As I listened to the CD of this sermon in my car, I dialed my phone with the other hand.

"Uh...Chuck? Just wanted to be positive about something before I move forward. God doesn't make mistakes, right?"

"Right on, sister."

I didn't even need the affirmation. I just needed to talk about it. And I did go to God first. I went right to His word to find out why He made the covenant with Noah. My Bible says that God didn't make the covenant because He was sorry so many people were killed by the flood.

Genesis 8:20 Then Noah built an altar to the LORD and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. 21 The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though [a] every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

God wasn't saying He had made a mistake and now needed to make good on it. He was impressed, pleased with Noah.

God is perfect. How can something perfect be flawed? His plan is perfect but He gives it to a bunch of imperfect human beings. It is our mistake, not His.

Just as a follow up, I did call the pastor of this church and we discussed "God's mistake." He had already planned on clearing this up at the weekend service. Just so we are all on the same page as Christians here....

Thoughts anyone?

“I believe that God made a bad decision and a good decision at the same time; bad by killing people [in Noah’s flood] and good by fixing his mistake by giving us his son.”

How do you feel about this statement made during a local church service?

Jesus's Tomb

For two weeks now, I’ve been listening to two co-workers talk about the Jesus’ tomb thing. Now, it’s not that I’m offended or I think there is one bit of truth in this ridicules story, but the two of them talking about it every day for the past two weeks makes my blood boil. I want to go over and discuss the whole thing with them, but at lunch or another time, not during work hours. I hit my wall the other day. I walked over to them and said the following:

“I hate to be the biiiyatch, but you two have been talking about this for two weeks and it’s distracting. I would love to sit down with you and discuss it at lunch, but not during work hours. What you are talking about is my salvation and I take it seriously.”

I don’t think my message was received well. I totally acted in my flesh.

Sonny and I happened to be e-mailing each other back and forth so I shot him this message:

"I just told a couple people next to me to shut it regarding the “Tomb of Jesus.” They’ve been talking about it for two weeks straight and I finally hit the wall. Probably not a good way to share the gospel but I just couldn’t take another day of listening to them talk about my salvation so brazenly. I totally acted in the flesh. I’m so….fleshy. To me…and I’m saying this for me, now…not you or any other Christian, but my belief in Christianity is faith that Jesus did rise again. If people are trying to discredit that, than they are discrediting my salvation. My belief is in the fact that Jesus was crucified, took on the world’s sins, died and rose again…giving us all new life in him. The rising part is key…for me. The newer Christian might be wounded by all of this. The grade-school Christian (me) is okay with hearing it but my blood pressure goes through the roof. It is just SO absurd that they found this tomb and come to the conclusion it is a certain person in history."


His response was so awesome that I just had to share it (with his permission, of course):

This whole tomb of Jesus thing is a load of crap on two parts.

1. It’s not a new discovery-its been shot down before. This tomb was discovered in 1980. Someone is peddling a book and movie so they want to sensationalize some non-existent link (Da-Vinci Code anyone ?)
2. Being a Christ follower is based on Faith-not tangible evidence for or against.

I understand where you are coming from. I get seriously irritated with armchair archaeologists who base their “belief of the week” on pop-media. Its like they can’t see what’s going on...“Big Film Director” discovers Jesus tomb…oh and he just happened to have made a movie about it and is working with two guys who wrote a book called "Real Archaeology," but this obviously has nothing to do with movie directors and book writers.

People die, only Jesus rose again. I know it because it’s the only time it’s happened and the world was changed from that point on. Only truth can change the world that way.

So, if you know me well, then you know that I wanted to recreate this dance with Joey. Someone beat us to it! We'll have to start practicing JC. I can just see Mike Lilly and Bobby getting into it, too.

The longer a couple cohabits before marriage, the greater the amount of negative stresses on them. If cohabiters, by nature, already have less commitment to marriage than those who choose to marry without cohabiting, the presence of these stressors might be just enough reason for them to end the relationship.

http://mcelroycounseling.com/notes/?p=513

It's kind of weird how all of my pre-christian friends just assume Joey and I are living together or will be now that he has purchased a home. Not so, my friends, and it isn't because of a study done on the subject. It's because of God.

The Spoiled Brat Rides Again

I admit it and I can't believe I'm admitting to it. I had a major meltdown on my birthday. It wasn't pleasant for anyone within a 5 mile radius of me. It started when my co-workers started cancelling on my birthday lunch...and then the family started saying they could not attend the birthday dinner. My irrational thinking led to "no one loves me" and tears. So over the top emo. My other teammates made banana splits which cheered me and I even thought there was still hope while driving to Lansing. But as I approached the city, my attitude worsened.

Arriving to my mom's, I ignored everyone in the house and went straight to bed where I cried for the next three hours. What was my deal? 31, I guess. Krissie asked me earlier where I thought I would be right now in my life. "Married to my best friend whom I am passionately in love with even when he annoys me and we have one little kid and another on the way" was my answer. That day, turning 31, I think I broke down and couldn't see anything clearly. Are we entitled to one day of this, hiding in bed? Still, I was way out of line and could barely control myself. I apologize to all who took the hit.

Just for public knowledge, I am extra sensitive on my birthday. All I want is to have a nice lunch with a friend or friends, a nice dinner with family and to look at baby pictures with my mom. That's all I want. The two seasons of Veronica Mars, the trip to Florida, the Playmakers GC, the facial at Douglas J, the dinner at Clara's Friday night, the 1 pound of honey and the endless birthday wishes I received were good, too. I guess I always knew I was a spoiled brat.

Oh, and the wine tasting was a great time. I think if you click....here...you'll see pictures from the event.

Thanks to all of you who continue to love the bratty me.

(crickets chirping)

Trip Around The Sun

Trip Around The Sun

By Jimmy Buffett

Hear 'em singing Happy Birthday

Better think about the wish I made

This year gone by ain't been a piece of cake

Every day's a revolution

Pull it together and it comes undone

Just one more candle and a trip around the sun

I'm just hanging on while this old world keeps spinning

And it's good to know it's out of my control

If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living

Is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go

No, you never see it coming

Always wind up wondering where it went

Only time will tell if it was time well spent

It's another revelation

Celebrating what I should have done

With these souvenirs of my trip around the sun

Yes, I'll make a resolution

Then I'll never make another one

Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun

Just enjoy this ride ...Until it's done

Jimmy: Darker Days Behind For Me

“Hey, Beau-ful”

That’s how he greeted the ladies. The last time I heard him say that to me was February 4, 2006. That was the last time I spoke to him.

And now it’s been a year since he’s been gone. Looking back, it has been a strange, sad, angry, confused year which was also full of joy and healing. If only he could have taken that trip with all of us.

No, I wasn’t a close friend but I still had the privilege of walking into his house unannounced like everyone else. I still teased him in retaliation of his teasing me. I still went to the Chophouse restaurant with him and fought with him over the bill. I still got to share a little bit of Jesus with him.

A year ago today, I was driving home from work talking to Jenny. Talking to Jenny? No…complaining to Jenny about the stupid stuff going on in my life. I told her I would call her back as I pulled into my parking lot. I walked over to the mailbox, grabbed the emptied trashcan by the side of the road (Jimmy’s trashcan he let us borrow) and began to drag it back to it’s designated spot by the front porch when I saw Krissie coming out from under the carport. I hadn’t even realized she was there. The look on her face…completely white…shocked. “Jimmy’s dead.” As my mouth dropped so did the mail. I grabbed her, hugged her saying, “why? How? When?”

“It must be a joke,” she said. She was dazed as she walked down the street to Jimmy’s parent’s house, having to pass Jimmy’s house on the way. I called Joey who was taking his grandma to the Lion King at the Wharton Center. There was just no way this was happening. People started to arrive to our condo. They were stunned, convinced someone had broken into the house and killed Jimmy. The darkness of those days began to settle in. Nothing felt safe anymore. Nothing felt right. Yet, I still managed to hang on to my petty problems. They were almost an escape from something I couldn’t handle.

Soon, the truth started to seep into Jimmy’s family and friends. He took his own life. Sadness turned to anger at Jimmy for not confiding in them…and then turned to anger at themselves for not seeing any warning signs.

The months following Jimmy’s death were just so dark. That is the only word I can use to describe them. Krissie stopped sleeping. I could barely drive down the streets to our home and would rush inside so I didn’t catch a glimpse of his house. His friends, the ones who found him, fell apart. It was a complete mess. And then summer came. Krissie and I had so many talks about what happened and finally, against even my best judgment, I told her to leave. She had to leave the condo to get away from the constant reminder. And she did leave. And she finally slept.

The healing began. Krissie got engaged and started attending a church near her new condo. Some of Jimmy’s friends rallied and raised money for suicide awareness and prevention. Still, people will always be a little broken from this tragedy. Some more than others.

I no longer feel the darkness from those months after Jimmy’s death. Joey hauled in the trashcan last night, the same trashcan, Jimmy’s trashcan. The night felt a little different. It felt peaceful. I looked down at Jimmy’s house. The new neighbors who moved in had the front porch light on. The house looked peaceful, too.

There is a banquet tonight to honor and remember Jimmy. I think I’ll attend and hug the people who are still living under those dark days. But I pray that somehow this tragedy will cause them to really rely on God, not their own understanding of it because suicide doesn’t make sense.

Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own

U2 (Jimmy’s favorite band ever)

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soulI don't need...
I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

Red Dress Run

Good Idea: Run a race for charity.
Better Idea: Run it in a red dress.
Bad Idea: Sucking down a chocolate martini before finishing the end of the race.

Okay, that's the short of it. The long of it goes something like this...

Joey and I met up with Playmakers runners at Trippers. Our friend Levi had talked us into doing this run but what I didn't understand was that it wasn't so much a run as it was a pub crawl. First stop: MAC's Bar. The snot was frozen to my face. Yes, it was bitter cold. 5 degree wind chill. I couldn't reconcile doing a run and drinking beer at the first establishment so I had water. I wanted to run, too! I didn't like stopping. We spent about 20 minutes at each bar. We received two drink tickets at the start but I didn't use mine. Not even at the second stop, The Green Door. In fact, I took off a little early for Moriarty's. My parents were there waiting for us and I had a few sips of beer. I talked Levi into buying me a chocolate martini at 621. I traded him my two drink tickets for the martini. Problem was that 621 wasn't accepting the drink tickets. Oh well. The chocolate martini was only $5 and it was the best damn chocolate martini EVER (except for the homemade Joey chocolate martinis).

Joey and Levi

Of course, my stomach told me it wasn't a great idea while running to Tavern on the Square, our last stop. But, we finished and then took off for my mom's hoe down at her church. That was fun stuff, too because I got to square dance. I love to square dance :o)

My mom and I. She's so cute!!!

Locked In

"We're really Jesus Freaks now. We're spending the night in our church." --Jenny Cole

I never belonged to a Youth Group. Well, briefly in 7th grade. Nothing like RivKids, though. And I have never attended a lock-in before, either. This was my first. I volunteered for the RivKids 4th and 5th grade lock-in. What a blast.

We played barbarian capture the flag. I think Peter and I had more fun than the kids.

We did make overs until midnight. Yes, I was curling little girl's hair until midnight.

I thought it was funny that Emma's dad had to make sure everyone knew this was his daughter. I think I'm going to look for a shirt that says "Chuck."


My niece and her new friend, Zoe.



The kids slept in the auditorium (translated = sanctuary). They watched Cars until 3 a.m. Yes, folks, I didn't sleep until 3 a.m. Wendy Smith and I shared an air matress and I don't think I kicked her much during the night. We got up at 7:30 a.m. and I was exhausted but I loved the experience. I'm in for next year.

I Gotta Go Where It's...Sort of Warm

I went to Florida the first weekend in February to visit Kelly (VRA). I felt all grown up driving to the airport myself, missing my exit, getting turned around, parking at Quikpark, taking a shuttle to the airport, finding my terminal and flying by myself to Orlando. Just before take off, I heard someone say Orlando was under a tornado warning until 8 a.m. Interesting, I thought but really, all I could think about was warm weather and my new swimsuit. Ah...a reprieve from the crappy weather in Michigan!

We had a comedian for a pilot. "Folks, we just have a few rules for you. Please don't smoke unless you are in a designated area in the airport. Please adhere to the safety belt rules. Also, please remain inside of the aircraft during the flight. Now, if you'll look out of the left windows, you will see...a bunch of clouds. If your vision is really good, you can Toledo, OH." The rest of the flight was spent listening to Buffett on my MP3 player and talking to God. He is amazing and I can't stop thinking about God's creativity when I'm eclipsing the heavens in a plane.

After landing and taking a shuttle to the main airport, I saw spotted Kelly, waiting for me. I don't know if she saw the tears in my eyes but I was so happy to see her. We have been friends for almost 15 years. Want to see a picture of us from back in the day? Sorry, Kell. And us now...(we definitely improve with age--remember that!)

The first thing I found out was how bad the damage was by the tornados. Kelly's husband, Chris, was deployed to a badly hit subdivison. Second thing--Florida was rainy and cold. Well, warmer than Michigan but not warm enough for the clothes I packed.

Kelly and I drove to Citrus County after trying to gas at a couple of gas stations. I saw where she worked, her new house and then we picked up her two boys from school. We then had to drive an hour to Gram's house to drop off the boys. An hour back and we got ready to go out. I had a lot of fun getting to know Kelly's friends and also getting to know her as well. It had been awhile since we have hung out on a daily basis. True, our lives are different (I do not hang well after midnight) but I still love her sooo much.

Saturday, we picked up the boys from Gram's and took them to Austin's soccer game. I got to see Chris briefly also. See, when the rain started, I took off for the truck with Tyler.

Tyler and I waited for the rain to stop while listening to Jerry Jeff Walker. After the game, Chris took the boys and Kelly and I took off for Margaritaville. I was wearing a turtleneck, folks. A turtleneck in Orlando, FL! I was not pleased. We had a good time at dinner and then moved to the volcano bar for a few drinks.

As you can see, it really is a volcano bar. Once an hour it erupts and margarita flows down the volcano and into the giant shot glass. I love this bar. After dinner, Kelly and I visited with Johnny Walker. We got back to our hotel at a decent hour and even made it to Rob Schiller's new church. I never realized how much I missed that family until I saw them. After eating at Sweet Tomatoes (the best salad bar EVER) and rushing back to the airport, I made my flight. Despite squall warnings back home, our flight left on time. I left the cold damp Florida weather for frigid, blowing snow...or as our pilot said, "welcome to tropical Detroit." Oh well. I had Joey's homemade spaghetti waiting for me at home.

Kate could be the greatest mom ever.

Let It Go

Let It Go
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:

let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person intostaying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming tosee you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made

manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us,

no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

LET THEM GO!!

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it justmeans that their part in the story is over. And you've gotto know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keeptrying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, Ibelieve in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'mfaithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

LET THEM GO!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, andsee your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to takeyou to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a brokenrelationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even tryto help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .....

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left think about it, and then ..

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

I just got done running with the sisters (Ellen and Shelley). It's cold out at 8:00 a.m. but I feel good doing it. Now, off to a hot shower.