Yi and Jennwe

New Year's 2005

Lyndsay and I on her 9th birthday.

For Lyndsay's birthday, I took her to Libby Lu studios.

2 sides

There are two sides to every story. Only God knows the truth because even when we tell our own side of things, we have tainted it with our preceptions, our hurts, our view points....what we thought we were hearing, what we thought to be true. Still, when I hear someone tell me their hurts, I wonder about that other side. Would it complete the picture if I knew? I continue to be amazed when it comes to these kinds of issues. Yes, I want my side to be known but really, even if it were told, it is still my view...my truth...not the complete picture. Will we only see the complete story in heaven? Will our eyes be opened to everything we misunderstood? Seek first to understand and then be understood. Yeah. That's the ticket. I wish it really worked that way instead of us screaming about our own perceptions. "No, you shut it and listen to me and my hurts first!" This will be my resolution...to try to really understand first before flying off the handle about things that don't really matter anyhow.

2005 In Review

This year started with me being so sure of myself. I had everything all figured out. God had some other plans, too. My little 2005 recap:

• There wasn't a big party for my birthday, just my closest friends and family. I was fine with it, too. I actually received a huge present from God: an invitation to go on a mission trip for Him. I accepted.
• I couldn't decide where I needed to be: Lansing, Mason, Detroit? I kept trying to figure out my feelings and the right thing to do. More confusion.
• I became closer to my pastor, his wife and some other people at Riv...because of this blog.
• I was baptized by Steve and Noel and most of my family and friends came. It was probably the best feeling I had this year.
• Do I even need to talk about the worst feeling from this year (see posts between October and November)?
• I went to Germany. The girl that would never fly over the ocean took a huge leap of faith and let the Lord lead her. But was God leading her to the mission work....or back to something she thought was over. Still not sure about that one :o)
• I met some of the most amazing people this year and have become better friends with them. This was another outcome of the mission trip...to finally have a closeness with other Rivites.
• I continued to work with Riv Kids and God kept leading me to serve and help. I thought about leaving my church, the first church I've ever really had, but I the church wouldn't let me. Either would Suz :o)
• I took another leap of faith and listened to my heart on something that could really blow up in my face. We'll see....

So...2006 hasn't started off too great but I hope the fog is gone now. I pray hearts can heal and God will continue to bless all of us. This is a big year for me, I know. Yes, I turn 30. I'm actually excited about it. I was thinking about how much better I like myself at this age than I did when I was 20...or 22...or 25. You truly do get better with age if you allow God to give you wisdom. Bring it on, 2006. I'm ready.

Sugar...we're going down swinging

JAC: Hey...
Me: What?
JAC: Hey...
Me:Yeah?
JAC: Hey...is the first step to horse poo.
Me: Oh no.....

My Christmas break....could have been better. There is a lot to figure out, a lot to work through. I'm insane to still be sitting here wanting to. I know a lot of people praying and some people thinking about the biggest mistake ever. It was something I had to revisit, though.

Got that digital camera I've wanted for years. No more disposables :o) I also got a chance to spend lots o' time with friends and family I don't always get to see. I always miss this time of year once its gone but now, we're looking at 2006 and all it has to bring. I pray it brings more happiness, less drama. I just want to be happy but I need to listen to God and not shy away from lessons He needs me to learn.

I have to write about this: I'm really frustrating. Really. I don't know what it is about my personality but things just shut down when I feel out of control...when things are spinning out of control and emotions are getting high, I tend to start shutting down. This is frustrating. But I'm amazed at what God has done to try to get me to work through this issue. I'm also amazed at the guy who wants to work through my issues with me...work through our issues together. We aren't always selfless, but he tends to bring me back to a place I want to be. Even now, after I have frustrated people to no end, he is making my favorite dinner...just to see me smile. This is all new again....and frustrating again...and meaningful again. Now...I leave you to go assist in the dinner making process...yes....dinner at almost 10:00 p.m.

Happy New Year!!! Eric just accused me of looking at porn. This would not be a true statement. Question for you: do you pop the cork before midnight or at midnight? We seem to be in disagreement here at this par-tay. Any thoughts?

Anyhow, much love to my two readers. Oh, and to my new reader, too.

xo,
HMB

Check out my new neighborhood.

Me: My life sucks.
Step-dad: Why?
Me: You know...this and that (though I was more specific).
Step: Is that your whole life?
Me: Well...no...but my job sucks, too. I just found out I'm going to be 4,000 pieces short on a job and I know they'll somehow blame it on me.
Step: So what's the worst that could happen?
Me: I get fired!
Step: So....you get fired from a job you don't really like...is that the worst thing?
Me: I wouldn't be able to afford anything.
Step: So....you have to move back home for a little while and find a new job....is that the worst thing?
Me: I guess not.
Step: You know what I think the worst thing would be?
Me: What?
Step: Falling out of favor with God.
Me: (speechless)
Step: I think we just need to do the best we can and rely on him. But I can't wait for the day when I get to heaven and God says, "you did a good job. Come be my friend." How could you ever live here without Him? That, to me, would be the worst thing that could happen.
Me: Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear that.

I went to a funeral yesterday. It wasn't anyone I was close to but someone I knew and had maybe met a few times in my life. She was my grandfather's sister...my great aunt...Pat Head. Yes, that was her name. Patricia Ann Pelham...later Head. She was a strong woman...went to Western Michigan to be a schoolteacher. She would take the bus to Kalamazoo from Jackson. On one such trip, she met a hung over soilder. He was stationed at Fort Custer in Battle Creek but he and his buddies had gone to Jackson for some fun. Half of the group left the same night. The other two guys decided to sleep off their fun and take the Greyhound back the next morning. One of these dudes sat next to Pat on the bus. They were married for 53 years. Crazy.

It seemed strange to be at a funeral of someone I just kind of knew. I definitely felt a lost connection to my past with the stories she knew or the family history only she could retell. I missed my grandfather, too. When his younger brother got up to give a speech, he did so just like grandpa would have...all of the pauses...the punch lines...the words...the tone. I guess this life is about things like this and my time is to be young...but I soak up what could be passed on. The probably makes no sense, so I'm going to bed now.

Me: The colors are supposed to change when you turn this angel on.
Yi: They aren't changing.
Me: (picks up angel and looks at the bottom where the batteries are located) Oh...I see why it isn't working.
Yi: Why?
Me: It's made in China.
Long pause.
Yi: I'm made in China.
Long pause.
Me: Like I said....

Me: Where are your parents?
Ethan (my pastor's kid who is four): Grace is out talking to people. Don't know where Noel is.
Me: Come again?

Guess who just booked it to QD to buy rum before the 9 pm alcohol cut off? Yes...the classy Mr. Corr and HMB. Mmmmm....egg nog......

On another note, I just went to a fabulous Christmas Eve service at Riv. They opend with Feliz Navidad. Come on. You've got to love a church like that.

Merry Christmas.

My best friend Kelly (VRA) and her husband. Does he look familiar to any of you?

Lucky you. I'm SO in the mood to blog.

It is so cool how God talks to me. He will start making things really obvious. Here is what I'm talking about. The other morning I was on my way to work and flipping through the stations. I landed on the Christian station and listened as this song lifted me up and carried me away. My eyes filled with tears and I felt so close to God. I looked at the car next to me. They had a little Jesus fish on their van. I smiled even more even as the van cut me off. The sun was shining on me and as I passed the next car, they had a bumber sticker that said something about living for Jesus. All three signs, all at once.

Tonight was kind of like that, too. I left work on time and traveled down I-94 through Jackson. The sun had set and a bright star was smiling down on us. I smiled back and watched the purples and oranges fade to black. "Hi, God," I whispered. Then, a song came on the radio...it is one I listen to when I feel like nothing. It's called "More" and talks about how much more God loves us than anything else. Next, a car passed me with the license plate "IOUGOD". How cool, I thought. All three signs, all at once.

Okay, I'm tired now. Must go to bed....

My dad and Santa. I don't know why I'm posting this.

Jillian at RivKids

Happy Birthday, Grandma. You would have been 94 on 12/10. I remember visiting you the day this picture was taken. I was giving you your Christmas gifts: a sweater and some Bath & Body hand soap. You hated the sweater ("makes me look fat") and loved the soap (smells good). Go figure. I love you and miss you.

So....I haven't updated in a week. This frustrates me. I only have access to TWO blogs...this irritates me...and probably irritates the bloggers because I've all but moved onto their sites. Ah well. I got a camera phone and have posted some cool pictures. I think they are cool, anyhow. I guess you can take this as a warning...watch out when Holly comes walking toward you with phone in hand...

Yi waiting for the band...no...wait....band already went through....um.....Yi smiling because she loves being my friend...yeah....that's it....

Joey @ 3:12 a.m. in CompUSA...as you can see we are getting a little closer to the checkout...and a lot more sleepy...(ewwww....what's on his face?! That, my friends, is mat burn. If you check your calendar, you'll see wrestling season has begun).

My dad holding Yi's favorite beer while standing on the banks of the Red Cedar...

Lena and Uschi--They are moving back to Germany on Tuesday. As you can see, she is very happy to be going back. I will miss her...the girl who taught me how to say "STOP!" in German, introduced me to Kinder-eggs and encouraged me to "eat the chocolates with whiskey in them."

Joey and a friend

Recurring Dreams

Since I was young, really young, I've had recurring dreams about tornados. The protagonist is the same and the conflict is the same...the scenario changes. I figured this out after documenting the dreams in college. When things were getting really stressful in my life, I would dream about the tornados. The conflict is I can never find a place to hide. I'll dig a ditch that isn't deep enough, I'll go into a basement full of windows, I'll be driving in a car knowing the storm is closing in on me.... I always make it out a life but the terror of it stays with me through the day.

I have a new recurring dream, though the tornado one is still present (I had one last week). In the new dreams, I climb up onto something which doesn't seem so high at first but when I go to get back down, I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't move. I'm helpless. I'm going to fall. These dreams are worse than the tornado ones. I'm acting in the tornado dreams. I'm running, seeking shelter, scared but not paralyzed. The other...well...can't do anything at all.

Any thoughts on this? Have any recurring dreams yourself?

One last thing to say about the CompUSA experience....the time stamp on my receipt was actually 3:48 a.m. I'm 28 minutes more stupid than I originally thought.

Black Friday Wins Again

Yes, I enjoy a deal. And yes, I like the thrill of the hunt early Black Friday morning. But I have this friend...who will remain nameless....no he won't....JAC loves Black Friday.

Him: Coming over to plan out our strategy?
Me: Yes.
Him: Don't forget the ads.

So I show up after two Thanksgiving dinners with my arms full of ads for stuff I don't need.

Him: You know...Compusa opens at 11:59. That's in two hours.
Me: I don't know. I'm really tired. There wasn't a lot I wanted.
Him: Come on. We've got to.

So, I found myself riding along on some sort of suicide mission. I thought I heard the Imperial March playing somewhere in the distance...naw....couldn't be. I laughed at the line. No way am I getting out and standing in the cold for 10 minutes. Oops. Wrong again. We were about 150 people back and they finally open the doors just before my face goes numb. JAC and I shop for about 30 minutes. I picked up some printable DVDs, clipart software, and a wireless mouse. JAC has his wireless keyboard and mouse but (sigh) no Bluetooth thingy-ma-bob that I still don't understand.

We were pretty happy and despite the redneck guy pushing the Asian guy, the crowd seemed pretty tame. We got in line with our goodies....and stood there....not moving...for oh....15 minutes. No worries, folks. After all, there's a lot of people and we can all just take our turn to check out. But then, well, things didn't seem to be moving at all. An hour later, we had only moved a couple of feet....if that. I decided to go investigate.

Four open registers. Four flipping registers were open. Are you kidding me? There were 500+ people in the store and only four flipping registers were open. One of them, register #5, was broken.

I tried to be cheerful. "At least we're warm." "At least we have the money to buy this crap." "At least we got a good deal." But by the time hour #2 rolled around, my patience was spent. I was sitting on the floor trying to think of something to be thankful for but man, I was tired. We pleaded with the management to do something. They laughed at us. Some people threw their baskets of essentials at the management and walked out. We applauded them for "sticking it to the big guy" and then ran to the basket to see what they left behind. Scavengers.

I was downright insane when 3:00 rolled around. The line inched slowly to the register #4. We were so close... Then, some lady had a problem with her credit card and while she was checking out, took a 20 minute phone conversation with the credit card company. I had had it. F-bombs started flying out of my little, Christ following mouth. All the while, register #5 mocked us.

We left at 3:30 a.m. I was spent. JAC thought we should just head over to Best Buy. I looked at him with a growl. "Okay....time to take you home." I wanted a bagel though so we headed to Meijer. Their sale was going to start at 5...which was in an hour. I was blindly led around the store while my friend searched under the covered sale merchandise. Finally, around 5 am, my head hit the pillow. I missed the rest of Black Friday but clearly, it had won.

Our award winning pumpkin (Bill Lumberg). The radio was playing drops from Office Space.

Before the long walk around Lake Lansing (and before the blister (that was mile 2)).

I've been meaning to post these pics of Suzanne and I before our 8k walk. She's such a mom.

Let me just tell you...I'm not complaining when I say it sucked driving 2.5 hours from Livonia to Lansing today....another statement, not complaint when I say at certain times it felt like I was going negative 4 mph....another statement, not complaint when I say....at least I wasn't in a ravine because it could have so easily been me. I feel bad for the people who did go off the road. I saw so many of them. Remember what happened last year at this time? Go back and look. Too sad to recap. I pray for his family still...as they acknowledge he's been gone a year. And for everyone else who is feeling a loss because a place at the Thanksgiving table is empty...my heart goes out to you. Joyful Thanksgiving, friends.

Just saw an interesting billboard while driving in downtown Lansing.

"got faith?" but then there's a water pipe with a wine glass underneath.

Me: okay. I don't get it. Is this about drinking? Do you have faith in drinking?
Friend: Hmmmm....its a water faucet.....with water coming out of it....but its turning to wine!
Me: (classic Christian response) Shit, that's cool.

Me: What would you do if you suddenly looked over at my desk and the only saw my clothes and shoes sitting in a heap?
Brian: I'd be bummin.
Me: Is it wrong to pray for the rapture...right now...just because today SUCKS SO BAD?
Brian: I already did.

Bird Flu

Tornado warnings on Tuesday....Snow showers on Wednesday...and I'm fighting a cold. Grrrrr....

I'm glad my friends are looking out for me. Thanks, Kelly:
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Bird Flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Dan, were these the symptoms you had?

Walk The Line

I'm walking the line tonight. That's my final decision. I'll see Harry Potter soon enough but I need to see the other movie first. Can I have a prayer request? Thinks aren't well at work for anyone. Looking at major cutbacks for the end of the year. This is scary stuff. I feel like I'm ALREADY walking the line. Please pray for the employees here that if we do get let go before Christmas, God will give us strength to get through and still manage to provide our basic needs. How was that for good news?

Mega-80s were Sa-weet Friday night! You missed out but don't worry (Peter), because they play again on Dec 2. :o)

Random Thoughts

You have no idea how much I miss being able to check blogs and write in my own. Ah!!! But now I probably get more done which is what VAL wants and deserves. Now I have to go back to Laptop lunches...which I don't mind. Panera is packed today, though. When I walked through the door I was mobbed by a bunch of Livonia teachers. One of them even cut in front of me in line. I had to laugh. I wanted to say something like, "it's not nice to cut. I want you to write that on the board 400 times." Really, though I bet she wasn't paying attention. What's that line teachers always say...I need your undivided attention? I never understood that one until a couple years ago.

Things have calmed down in the past couple of days. My "undivided attention" has been focused on giving God my problems and let Him worry about them.

Friend: Does God worry?
Me: No...
Friend: But you're going to give Him your problems to worry about...?
Me: Well...since He doesn't worry, I don't have to, either.

I think I'm past the self pity stage. I'm also past the "intensely seeking Christian council" stage. This has benefited me more than anything else. I love it when people pray for me over the phone. I'm not good at it but I want to become better because it is so awesome. No one has condemned or judged me. They have listened, been empathetic and are willing to be soldiers with me during this spiritual battle. I feel so protected...like the prayers and love have wrapped around me and are keeping the demons at bay. And now...to be less dramatic....I'm coming out of the survival stage, too. Its been pretty shaky this week but the more focused I am on Christ, the more strength I have to continue. How could anyone get through this stuff without Him? It makes me sad. I find it fascinating that God is using me even now to help someone else going through it. Serving Him is what I want. Serving me ends up hurting me. Don't you just love trials? They teach us about ourselves, about God and how to serve others.

There is a song that came out last year. I heard it just before I walked into Panera. Tears came to my eyes as I smiled. My focus right now is to just be. God is working on my heart and helping me get better. I don't want to fall away from Him ever again.

And now...the song :)

Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes its toll down on my soul
Cause I know what I need in my life

Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You 'til the end

Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home


The tears...ah...they are slowly going away. The exhaustion is being replaced by peace. Anxiety, almost gone. It's like I had the spiritual flu or something. Coming out of the dark and into the light...and only happy blogs now as they will be few and far between.

Now....do I get that Chai tea or not? Hmmmmm......

The aunties (my dad's sisters). They're a fun time.

Uncle Lynn and his new toy. Yeah, I could live there...and I just might.

The boat and I.

The boat.

Uncle Lynn and I living it up.

At the Cleveland Browns game with my cousin's wife. "Look at me with my $10 caramel apple dipped in fudge! Ha ha..." "Holly, it probably costs more than that." "Oh." It was good and I ate the whole thing.

Dad and Yi. This picture is just classic...if you knew what was going on. "Texas or Texas Tech?" Ha! Love you, Yi but we suck.

My pops holding Yi's favorite beer.

Andy and I. This is the same costume he wears every year except the mustache is new. "Couldn't find the blond mustache from last year." "Why not, Andy?" "Must have swallowed it." He also ends up swallowing the "gold tooth" but apparently is able to reuse it. Yuck.

Beks and I on Halloween. I was a Cheerleader for JC. The back of the shirt says, "I've got the Spirit, how about you?" I always thought the shirt was funny but some people don't. :o) The sweater is my dad's from High School.

The jig is up. Or is it...the gig is up? I don't know right now but it was fun while it lasted. Val found out about all of the little blogs and blocked them from viewing. This means I won't be reading anyone's blog if it has the word "blog" in the address. This also means I won't be writing in my blog much at all. See, you took my blog for granted didn't you? :) I was so sad and disappointed when I found out. I love reading about my friends' lives. I love to comment and just let y'all know I'm out there thinking about you. This makes taking a break at Val a lot more difficult. I can't take 5 or 10 minutes to drop in on your lives and get away from work, a break I probably needed.

But the jig and gig is up in life overall, too. I want to be so honest on this blog but I know people look down on that. However, I'm going to be really honest for a minute (and only a minute). I have been through a really shitty two months. It has not been fun. I misled myself into thinking I had it under control. When I lost control, I confessed my sins to someone, felt a little better but lost control again. Today, I felt God really tell me to come back to Him. Don't get me wrong, I've been praying like crazy but I have felt desperate, alone, fearful and somewhat out of my mind. I'm telling you I screwed up. I screwed up badly. Okay...let's be a little more honest...I haven't been taking care of myself. I seared my conscious a bit...a lot. It wasn't that I was leading a duplicitous life. The people closest to me knew what was going on. How could they not? When I'm guilty, its written on my face. I did try to hide it from the world but finally, today, I felt actually clean again.

Never thought it could happen to me. I was the girl who loved Christ so much she would die before disappointing Him. I was the girl who answered a direct prayer from God to go on a mission trip. I was the girl who was baptized and stood before the church to say I wanted to live for Christ. I declared myself a Christian and the closer I came to Him, the more I started making bad choices. And I know this happens to so many of us. I know I'm not alone anymore. It is so easy to feel that way living so far away from my church family. It is so easy to feel that way living so far away from my best friend. It is difficult but today, I felt a lot better. Not completely better but I'm getting there.

I lost sight of what it's all about: not me but Him. I want it to be about Him not my complaining, sinning nature. I want to live for Christ and seek the Holy Spirit inside me instead of pushing it way down when it screams "Stop." When I heard the wind roaring at 4:30 a.m., I knew something big was coming today. I felt helpless against the wind...that it could blow me right over. When I left to go to my mom's church, I felt like the outside world was my inside world....blowing around out of control. I made it to church and saw my nephew sitting in the very back with his dad. They both looked at me so sadly and I sat in-between them. "You missed the first part," Bradley whispered. I looked at him confused and realized they had already passed out bread for communion. Before I knew it, my brother-in-law had ripped his little piece of bread in two and handed it to me. I took it with tears in my eyes. I felt the strength of two men in my life, sitting between them as they tried to take care of me the best way they knew how. I knew I had to go to Riv. I knew there was something God wanted to show me.

The songs helped me cry and let it out. The message helped me realize a lot about the Christian man in my life and the Christian woman I desire to be. My friends helped me to be real and confess. They held my hand and practically held me up. I was going to stay away from Riv, away from the pain, but God beckoned me to come and take up the cross again...yes, I'm coming, Lord. Stumbling, failing, sinning, crying, broken, hurt and angry...I feel You're love and I know You're here. Thank you to all of my friends...brothers and sisters...who have listened and not judged. The ones who pointed out my sins and helped me to stand up. Thanks to the ones who just knew I wasn't happy and so they made me laugh or smile. Thank you to my family who was so worried about me and showered me with love and affection. Wow. I have support. And I want to support others who go through this as well.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5, 6

I've been carrying that verse around with me since Friday. I don't know if Steve used it in the service today but he could have. It fits everything that has been happening and why I've been failing. But you know how cool God is? I prayed so hard last night for strength. I told Him what I wanted...but then said "Your will but PLEASE, I need the strength to get through it." I was in church and I turned around to leave....and...have you ever come face to face with an answered prayer? It's like you feel a jolt go through you. You see everything so clearly. I don't know what the future holds but I know I'm on my way out of this valley. Thank you, God and thank you for this trial even though it beat me down and stomped on me. Even though I couldn't eat or think straight. Even though I cried every single day for the past month. Thank you because I feel like I can see clearly now, the rain is moving out...I'm not there, yet but I'm doing better.

I need to learn how to crochet....

I'm going to be a scary mom....

Mega 80s....11/11....Club 131....you know you want to....

Um, I have a problem. Walk the Line and Goblet of Fire both come out on 11/18. Crap.

Hitch

Bad idea: Watching The Shining before going to sleep.
Another bad idea: Watching The Birds before going to sleep.

I don't care for grotesqe scary movies but I'm a suspense junky. I saw Flightplan on Friday night and it was very Hitchcockian. The camera angles, buying into the characters, the Macguffin...I dig it. M. Night's movies carry these elements as well. I've read that he draws out every single scene on a storyboard before the movie is shot...just like Hitch used to do. M. Night also puts himself in the movie...just like Hitch used to do.

How lucky for me that TMC has been showing Hitchcock films this past week. Yesterday, I watched North By Northwest (my favorite), Rear Window (a close second) and The Birds. They are a little groovy and the special effects...well, I still think they rock. Alfred was on the cutting edge of special effects in his day.

Oh! When I was watching Flightplan I noticed right away Jodi Foster's character was in Germany! I heard that familiar voice come over the intercom of the train station and then I saw a sign that looked like Aaljfowehihplatz. Oh...Germany....how you keep popping up in my life.

The Others

After the past couple of days, I can breathe a little easier. Candy Land definitely picked up my spirits but work is only becoming more difficult. Me needing to right my wrongs is also causing me slight depression. I'm not sure I can make it through VAL for another long, sad winter. If only...

Wednesday, after PDL (Purpose Driven Lunch), I was walking up the stairs to where I sit. I suddenly stopped and let the sun warm my face. I took some deep breaths in and out. I felt a little bit of peace and calming. I could feel God telling me it would be okay. I smiled back at Him. My drive home was not one of tears for the first time in several nights. I drove with that same smile. I went through some boxes of stuff to clean house and throw out some old memories...ones I needed to. I watched I Love the 80s and man, that show really brings up my spirits. During a commercial, I flipped around and passed Joyce Meyer talking. Something made me stop and go back.

Joyce was talking about how we need to allow each other to be more human. She talked about how she and her husband disappoint each other and fail each other...but they forgive and move on. She said we have to give people more room to be people. Say you're sorry and move on. Then she asked, slyly, "how many of you are married to God? No one? Then roll with the punches." Good point. Expectations....setting self up to be let down. I've been guilty of that my whole life. What if I did really take people for who they are? I mean, most of the time I do but people will always surprise you, make bad choices, see their mistakes and ask for your forgiveness. I, in turn, will screw up, too (by looking at my last posts, I've been doing it a lot). God loves us and forgives us. Not only does He forgive but He forgets and moves it from east to west. But its easy for us to know that, right? So what is our deal? Oh....right....it is what OTHER people are going to think. That whole acceptance thing....

Joyce said you have to get to a point where you don't care as much what "the others" will think because "the others" will always find something to think about you. We need to lighten up and learn who we are in Christ. So, do I find myself trying to do a good deed to make up for a wrong I've done? Do I do something extra to prove I'm not as bad as everyone might think...or as I think I am? We have to do good deeds with the right motive: living for Christ. Don't ever do them so people will think better of you.

When we have a problem we take it to God. If we get an answer, we believe He has spoken to us. But then we run and ask four other people what they think. The problem with running to others is that they haven't been assigned to hear from God for you. If you believe He has sent you a message, believe it. Besides, we don't really want to know what the others will think because they might tell us something we don't want to hear. I personally feel we do need close friends to help us through the "its" of life. I don't confide in everyone and I'm choosy with who knows what. Sometimes you can't make it on your own...

If you keep apologizing for something you keep bringing up the problem. Apologize. Forgive. Move on.

Joyce also asked something I could really relate to: when someone is not pleased with me, does it affect my mood? Even if I have followed my heart on something, do not believe I did anything wrong....do I still get upset? Not everyone is going to understand your decisions but we need to be God pleasers, not people pleasers. We will always fail if we live our lives to make everyone like us and make everyone happy. God is so much more easier to please than the fickle people we all know (I'm one of them for sure).

I found myself taking notes. I needed to hear this stuff. I'm guilty of a lot but I don't want to live my life feeling guilty when He forgives me. I hope you can forgive me but if you can't, that is something I have to live with, something that you have to live with, too. I need to let people be more human and I need to understand the humaness in me. Still, it doesn't help when some of your errors cost the company 35,000 bones.

How far is heaven?

It's under way...

Boo Day is under way! everyone is changing into their costumes. Andy is an actual guy from Candyland (one of the game pieces). Jim, my supervisor, is dressed up as a Hershy's kiss. Our chocolate swamp has chocolate walls and little cat tails made of tootsie rolls. I'm pretty impressed with our creativity. The other side of the building put up random Halloween stuff but its really freaky. Craig took a picture of a skeleton sitting in a chair in front of the computer. Then, he made the picture into the wall paper for the computer next to him with the skeleton dude sitting there...so it looks like the skeleton dude is looking at himself...like a mirror. Sorry! I'm just so excited. I wish y'all could be here to check it out. Maybe next year...

Would it be wrong for a Christian girl to go to a Halloween party as a Night Ranger groupie?

Condi for President
After reading this article, I realized how diverse my friends are...and how insane...(just kidding, Matt).

This would be so fun...maybe you'll see me on MTV.

Boo Day 2005

I worked on this post for 20 minutes...and it didn't post. Ahhhh!!!! Anyhow, with everything else going on in my life, there is a glimmer of sunshine and sparkle. Tomorrow is Boo Day here at VAL. And Boo Day = Fun Day. It is over the top and super fab. My first year with the company, our team was too busy to decorate. I deeply regretted it. I vowed then to always participate in this hallowed time.

Here is a recap of Boo Days in my life:
2002
No area decorating.
Pumpkin: Oscar the Grouch. We won first place.

2003
Decorating: We had an 80s Prom theme with a murder mystery tie in. Each person on the team was a suspect and dressed the role (I was a nerd). We sent out clues to the other teams so they could try to guess who had killed Marlene. The clues were very creative and well written (that was a shot out to you, Matt!)
Pumpkin: Michigan State vs. Michigan pumpkins (remember trying to paint those, Sonny??). Then, a friend of mine spent all night painting the logos of each Big Ten team on miniature pumpkins. We set them up on one of those rugs that looks like a football field. We also had a CD of all the fight songs playing in the background. We didn't place but it was really cool.

2004
Decorating: Haunted Carnival. We had so much fun with this one. We hung up large trash bags for the big top. There were also games for the kids to play and cotton candy. We took second place but really, we were the real winners.
Pumpkin: The Apprentice. Andy carved the pumpkin to look like Donald Trump. We set it up in the conference room and gave the pumpkin a body and a suit. The "Money" song played in the background. We took first place.

2005
Decorating: Well....this year there was controversy. The idea for this year was conceived while working on the line in Toronto during project "Save." Everyone loved the idea and brainstormed big time. But then....then the memo came out from HR.

See, VAL got a new building and they don't want their new building trashed. HR decided they would pass out one box per team and you have to use the decorations in the box. This did not go over well and everyone's heart was broken. Except mine. I was fired up. I rallied the team and said I was going to HR. Coincidently, I had an HR meeting that Friday. I explained all of our valid points (we look forward to this every year, we have a fun idea, we are still in the crappy building). HR said they would discuss it with our division leader but IF they granted us permission, we would have to remove ourselves from the competition.

Division leader said yes. Everyone shouted with glee. They hoisted me up on their shoulders and shouted "Holly's our hero! Holly's our hero." Well...everyone was really happy. So, here we are, diligently working on the idea we fought for. Ready for the idea? It is....Candyland.

Each row is a different area of Candyland. My row is the Chocolate Swamp. This is all I can discuss right now because I'm needed at Snow Flake Lake. Yay! Boo Day!

Does anyone have a pair of 3-D glasses I can borrow to watch I Love the 80s?

Screwed Up

I stared at the screen, hoping the longer I stared and the more I concentrated, perhaps the reality would change. The sinking feeling in my stomach pulled my already unstable emotions down with it. Shit. I f-ed up. Really bad. I raced to QA repeating the words “no, no, no...” But when I got to QA and picked up the piece, I knew I had blown it big time. I had printed my 20 page coupon book without perforations. Normally, not a big deal but the client had insisted on the perfs. I wanted to throw up. This was a $35,000 error.

I had been so focused on the puppy food job and all its craziness that I forgot to perf this job. I had been so focused on getting my first 20 page book to print correctly that I forgot to perf this job. I had been so focused on my failing personal life that I forgot to perf this job.

I sat at my desk so disappointed in myself. Dana came over and tried to talk me out of losing it completely. “Holly, these are just coupons. There are more important things in your life.” More important things? I lost it…completely.

I work late. I drive home. I eat perogies for dinner because I’m too tired to make anything else. I go to my room. Maybe I work on the computer for awhile but mostly I get under the down comforter and turn on the TV. I read from 10-11 and then try to sleep. On the weekends, sometimes I hang out with friends, sometimes I hang out with family. I have Riverview…and of course, I have a relationship with Christ. But did God really intend for me to be alone like this? I've been alone for over a year...but now...I'm alone, alone.

I sobbed right at my desk. At the end of the day, there isn’t anyone to comfort or be comforted by. If I didn’t have my co-workers, I’d be screwed. What upsets me the most is that I had the best thing in the world going for me and I blew it. I blew it big time. I know I did. How could I take things for granted? How could I not see the truth? How could I not realize? And now its gone. But I thought I was doing the right thing.

This is the lowest I’ve felt in so long. Stupid Satan…I didn’t think he could really get the best of me but my feelings of hope are replaced with ones of despair. I’m so good at pretending things are okay. But the moment I knew I had screwed up that job, God allowed me to see how bad I had screwed up things in my life...one of the most important things. I almost heard Him say, “want to come back this way now?”

Ever felt like this? Like you’d blown the biggest opportunities of your life? That second chances are what you want but not what you deserve?

Random Quotes from This Weekend

Yi takes a drink of my father's Moosehead beer. Sour look appears on her face.
Yi: This...(points to can of Moosehead)...tastes like that (points to nearby Port-a-John).

__________________________________________________________

Man: Would you like a cereal bar?
Me: No. (Takes 10 steps and turns around.)
Me: Why are you giving out cereal bars? What's the catch?
Man: No catch.
Me: What's attached to the cereal bar (reach for business card).
Man: Info about Faith Church.
Me: Oh! You didn't say you were a Christian. Of course, I'll have one! (Yi walks over and gets one as well).
One hour later....
Dad: What do you want me to do with this cereal bar?
Me: Throw it out.

_________________________________________________________

Me: Steve, I don't like the red lights shining on the stage. I feel like we're in hell.
Steve: Well...we kinda are, aren't we?
Me: Ummmmm......you've got a point.....
__________________________________________________________

Yi: I like to take things one second at a time.
Me: Not one day at a time?
Yi: No....one day got to be too long.....

___________________________________________________________

Me: Why do I have to go through this? I don't understand...
Friend: (laughs and says the following like a famous quote) "Because God loves you sooo much....."
Me: God's love is going to kill me.
____________________________________________________________
Me: Is it a sin to fill out these game tickets?
Dad: Well, you're supposed to give 10% of your winnings to the church.
Me: Oh...is that how it works....

Birthday Calculator

Birthday Calculator
You entered: 2/22/1976
Your date of conception was on or about 1 June 1975.
You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 11.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2442830.5.
The golden number for 1976 is 1.
The epact number for 1976 is -1.
The year 1976 was a leap year.
As of 10/21/2005 5:18:55 PM CDT You are 29 years old.
You are 356 months old.
You are 1,547 weeks old.
You are 10,834 days old.
You are 260,033 hours old.
You are 15,601,998 minutes old.
You are 936,119,935 seconds old.
There are 124 days till your next birthdayon which your cake will have 30 candles.
Those 30 candles produce 30 BTUs,or 7,560 calories of heat (that's only 7.5600 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.43 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1976 there were approximately 3.1 million births in the US.
In 1976 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 2,152,662 marriages (10.1%) and 1,036,000 divorces (4.9%)
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
Your birthstone is Amethyst
Your birth tree is Pine Tree, the Particularity.
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waning gibbous.

You appear to be visiting from ENGLEWOOD, COLORADO.

Yo, Peeps, (speaking of which, I bought some Halloweeny peeps today but you're right, Dave. They look too darn happy to eat. I still managed to chew through 5). I now officially have text messaging soooo I guess you can text me. Phil from Verizon assures me I will use this feature but I have my doubts.

Koln

Check out this link. It is of the actual field at the University we spent time at during our stay in Koln. You can see the higher field and the trees along the slope which leads to the lower field. I tripped up the stairs on the far right when Pete and Joey threw the frisbee too far over my head. I also met Bjorn there. We played volleyball there (I watched, at least). I miss it...sometimes. I mean, was I ever really there? It seems like a dream. I wish I could have made a bigger impact. Then again, I answered God's call to go so maybe I did what he needed me to do. Perhaps I'll see it someday. I think I go through phases with that whole trip. "Oh, remember how wonderful this, this and this was?" "See that impact you made?" Then again..."Did I sleep too much? Take enough risks? Talk to enough people? Why was I so grumpy?" I should write about the time I spent there...I'm waiting to be inspired.

My pastor was quoted in the LSJ this weekend and I liked what he said (because it was so profound, of course):

"Both Silvey and Noel Heikkinen, one of the pastors at Riverview Church in Holt, recall the words of Paul in his first letter to the Thessalonians: "Pray without ceasing." Heikkinen, 33, meets regularly to pray with the other pastors at Riverview. He guides his four children in prayer. And he talks with God throughout each day, using plain conversational language.

"God is listening," he said. "It's not like when we say, 'Dear Jesus,' he automatically answers the phone and when we say, 'Amen,' he hangs up. It's a constant dialogue."

What are you really asking for? "Sometimes when you ask God for something, the answer is no," said Noel Heikkinen, one of the pastors at Riverview Church in Holt. "In consumer Americanism we want an instantaneous yes, and we want it now, and we want an explanation now. And it is entirely possible that we will live this entire life not knowing why God said no."

He tells people sometimes an unanswered prayer is just a part of the bigger picture. He asks people to imagine that God is weaving something on a loom. "The top is God's perspective, the bottom is ours. Everything we see is a mess. We stick our needle up to God and he takes those randomly stuck up needles and he is weaving them together in this incredible pattern."

I don't like it when God says no. Of course, when I rebel against his "no" I find myself in a world of hurt. I'm trying to turn that around. Selfishness sucks.

Me: (Approaching Jane Marie, our elderly receptionist, as she sits behind the front desk.)
JM: What are you doing?
Me: Hugging you.
JM: Why?
Me: Because I need to. (Lean down and hug her, she hugs me back. I start to walk away.)
JM: Wow.
Me: What?
JM: I didn't know it but I needed that.
Me: See. Win-win situation.
JM: Thank you.
Me: No, thank you.

I walked away thinking about our human need for touch. Sometimes, I'm really touchy feely and other times I'm somewhat distant. It also depends on the person in question. I wonder why that is. I also thought about God and how He can't really hug us...He must want to. He's our heavenly father. He gives us each other to take care it for Him until the day when He will hold us. He keeps track of our tears and holds us close, even when we don't feel it. So I guess my point is to try not to question a hug because maybe the person giving it just needed one...or maybe God thought you did, too.

At the car wash...

I finally...FINALLY had some time today to take the Ion in for a bath. I always take her to Century Car Wash on 5 mile and Levan. I trust them. Plus, I have free washes there. Anyhow, I was quite surprised and gleeful when I saw that they had turned the car wash into a haunted car wash. I perked right up. I dig stuff like this. I dig Halloween.

As I drove through, I was impressed with the staff's creativity. They turned out the overhead lights and put in some other spooky lighting. There were vampires, headless people, spiders, witches...the whole deal. Nothing really scary but definitely fun.

I admit I had a crush on him when I was four. I know some people I can submit for this.

Falling

In the early hours of this morning, I was dreaming away. Scratch that. I was nightmaring away. Here is what happened:

I'm on a plane coming back from some rotten vacation place. My traveling companions are Fawn (my step-sis) , Darrick (the guy I grew up with) and an unidentified dude with hair to his shoulders. I feel like his name was Matt. I was sitting with Matt while Darrick and Fawn were one row over and behind. Matt was playing games on his laptop but got up to go to the restroom. Before he came back, I got the feeling that something wasn't right with the plane. As he sat back down I said, "Hurry, buckle in. I need to hold on to you." I gripped his arm and closed my eyes. The plane went up, then down and started to roll over. Everyone was screaming but I held on to Matt's arm and shut my eyes tight...terrified. I was going to die and I knew it. The plane began to lose altitude and the voices around me began to sound far away. My stomach could feel the dissent and tears came out of my eyes. My last words were this: God, please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I was startled awake...by nothing. I had to will my eyes open and make myself know I was in my bed, not falling. I even wondered if we had crashed over land or the ocean. Finally, as my heart raced and I broke into a cold sweat, I realized I was safe. I looked at the clock. It was a minute before my alarm was to go off. I laid there and contemplated what all of it had meant. I do know I woke up before impact.

My guess? God wants to talk to me...in His office...with the door closed...but I have to come to Him and right now...I'm a little afraid to face Him.

Something You'll Grow Out Of

She climbed the steps of the bus feeling exhausted. Another hour and a half would bring peace and quiet but until then, she would have to deal with them. She scanned the seating options and sighed. Each boy had taken their own seat. Finally, she spotted a vacant spot and made her way down the aisle. Peace was going to be hers and she couldn't wait to finally rest...until a smile made her stop. Suddenly, she didn't want to sit alone.

She smiled back and he seemed to will her into the spot next to him.

"Taken?" she asked.
"No."
She felt the tension leave as she plopped down.
"How did you finish today?" she asked.
"Not too bad," he said.
"I caught a couple of your matches. You're getting better."
"Thanks."

It wasn't that she was full of herself but she could feel the nervousness in him. They kept smiling at each other. She thought to herself, "he's so damn cute."
"How old are you?" she asked.
"I'll be 16...in about a year."
"That's a nice way of saying you're 15."
"How old are you?"
"Ummm....I'll be 18 in a few weeks."
"Nice."
His smile warmed her. She felt relaxed and knew if she said, "hey, wanna make out," he would probably die.
"Are those....uhhhh....cowboy boots you're wearing?" she asked surprised.
"Yeah."
"Those are....uhhhh....nice."
"Thanks."
"I used to listen to country music a lot."
"I love country music!" he said.
"You'll grow out of it."
"I don't think I will."
"It's so lame. I was flipping through the stations the other day and there was some dumb song on about a guy who painted a green heart on a watertower." She felt so much older. So wise.
"That's my favorite song," he said.
"Oh. Sorry."
"No, that's okay...but maybe if I sing it to you, you'll like it."
She smiled. This boy was just...a boy. And she was an 18-year-old girl. He was cute and she appreciated the crush he had on her. Maybe if he had been older...but then again, maybe he would know better.
"Sing it," she said.
And he did...along with Joe Diffie, the rest of the Whiskey Barrel Saloon...and the girl who said he would grow out of it.

I've been meaning to write about my past weekend in Cleveland. Lots o' fun. Work has been hectic, though so I guess I'll share highlights only.

Drove there Friday with my aunt and uncle after one of my busiest days at work...ever. I felt bad because they had to wait for me for about an hour. It took me that long to stop shaking once we got on the road. A little wound up...yes. We arrived to my Aunt Ginny and Uncle Lynn's around 9pm. They greeted us with lots of food and hospitality. Oh, let me give you some background info: they are pretty well off. My uncle works for Parker Hannifin. He began working there shortly out of high school and is a VP of something. So..yeah. Nice house, nice cars, nice everything.

My aunt took me to one of the spare rooms downstairs where I would have my own bathroom and a queen size bed.

"Holly, I want to warn you...you're going to see some things in this room that you recognize," my aunt told me. I looked around the room not remembering anything...wait..."is that grandma's stuffed animal? Is that the wreath she hung on her door? Is that some of her furniture?" My aunt is the sweetest, nicest, most proper woman I know. "I just didn't want you to realize when you were already in bed," she explained. We moved over to the bed. "I have to explain something about the duvet cover," she started. "Was it grandma's?" I asked hesitantly. She laughed. "No, but this quilt underneath is." We laughed at ourselves for feeling a little creepy. Suddenly, the light in the far corner of the room turned on. We both stopped laughing and stared at each other. It was so eerie. We began to laugh like we would never stop.

My aunts, who are my dad's older sisters, and I stayed up until 1am talking. They are Christians and we tend to all drink from the same cup. Minor differences. I loved their outlook on things. Definitely received some wisdom.

I slept in Saturday morning but was happy to see breakfast already made when I arrived in the kitchen. We ate, talked, laughed and then my uncle asked if we wanted to see his new boat. Because the weather was cold, windy and rainy, we all bundled up and headed for Lake Erie. I knew as soon as we pulled in to the Yacht club, this was no average boat. Shnikies. This sucker was 50 feet long with two 660 horsepower engines. The cabin was amazing. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, leather seating, a shower, a kitchenette, wood flooring, TV in each bedroom, a washer and dryer...yes...that's right...a washer and dryer. Anyone want to go yachting with me next summer?

We watched Michigan lose on TV, ate soup and planned boating trips for next year. I just kept saying, "this is so fabulous." We returned back to the condo and made dinner. My cousin and his wife came over and we watched Ohio State get beat (was a wonderful weekend for Big 10 football). Went home with my cousin to check out their place. Also, got a second chance at their CDs.

Woke up early Sunday morning to get ready for the Cleveland Browns game. What can I say about the experience? Fabulous. Upon entrance, the stadium seemed normal, not unlike other football stadiums. But we had Club seats because of my uncle. We went to a special entrance where our tickets were scanned again and then rode an elevator up to the club. Yes. Club. Carpeted with some granite flooring, restrooms every few feet, a bar, buffets...wonderful. Our tickets were on the 50 yard line and though it was chilly, I was happy. Scott Soval sang the national anthem and then they did a weather forecast on the big screens showing Doppler. I felt so spoiled. At the end of the first quarter, my uncle called us and requested out presence in the Lowege: executive suite.

I was ecstatic. Take a look at the link for an idea of what the place looked like: fabulous. The room was stocked with food and beer. Leather chairs and several TV's were in the suite itself. Outside of the suite were two small rows of seats...but there were heating units keeping the place warm...and tvs so we could watch other games. I stuffed my face and grabbed a Heikkinen...wait...no...that's NOT what I grabbed but I actually revert to that spelling when discussing the drink. Easy mix up. At half time, they rolled around the desert cart. "Are you kidding me?" I kept saying. Carrot cakes, cheesecakes, chocolate cakes....and a big, fat caramel apple dipped in chocolate. It was all mine. My uncle told me to live it up. I told him to adopt me.

The Browns win and it was a super awesome game. I became the biggest Browns fan ever, worthy of the Dog Pound. I went back to the condo exhausted and with sensory overload. Dinner was fun that night because my Uncle Ed (the one who I came with) had his nephew come over. This is who I refer to as bachelor #1. My aunt is convinced we were meant for each other. Forget the fact that he lives in CLEVELAND and has a girlfriend. It was nice hanging out with all of them and falling asleep while they tried to teach me how to play Youker or Uker or whatever. It's boring. Give me Uno any day.

The next morning, my last morning, was nice. We discussed Christianity and the Bible. I got a little emotional when we left. I felt so lucky that my family tries to follow Christ. They don't see me as weird. I'm supported completely. I was also sad because I know as time goes on, this weekend will become a really important event in my life.

Me: Do you smell something burning?
Dana: Hopefully, it's the building.

I opened my e-mail this morning and found the following message:

Nov 18th (Walk the Line)
Save me a seat. I've got to shoot a man in Reno (just to watch him die).
~The Man In Plaid

Could it be from...Joaquin?

I might take the day off work for this one...

Me: Do you have a headache, too?
My supervisor: Every day.

Thanks, Dave. The rally was an awesome, Godly experience.

"Harbors keep ships safe but that's not what ships were made for."

Something Strange

Something strange just happened. I was approached by someone who wanted me to know they (I know I should use he/she but it's cumbersome and I'm lazy) had just been dumped by their significant other. This person was shaking with pain and wanted me to tell them everything would get better. I could so relate. Oh boy, could I relate. But there is a little caveat to this: my friend is an atheist. I stood there not really knowing what to say. I couldn't comfort them with Biblical quotes and assurance of God's love. To this person, there isn't any hope. How sad.

So, this person came to me and I will respond but I must do it differently. Perhaps it might open the door to something else but this is not my wish. I only pray I can help this person if he/she needs me. Damn, I'm glad I'm a Christian. Even when my life sucks, I at least have someone to cry out to, give me hope and believe in a promise that He'll never leave me.

Welcome, Olivia Adeline! You have such a beautiful name (I might borrow the middle one someday). Good luck trying to be a liberal or anything but a Purdue fan. Can't wait to have lunch with you. Cheeburger, Cheeburger?

Congrats, Matt!

Why do I like this song so much?

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
~Hebrews 4:13

Sooo...is this telling me I have to answer for my sins? Pack your bags and get right out....

The real trick of it is that now I am so accountable. Before I was a Christian, I didn't really know, didn't really understand. Now I know. I know when I'm sinning but sometimes I still have that "pre-Christian" attitude: no one knows but God...and He won't tell. Grrrr.... I swallowed the pill. This was my choice to follow. My eyes have been opened but I still want to look away or shut them tight at my own discretion.

I'm in a valley. My safe little Christian bubble is broken. I'm no longer a "new" or "baby" Christian. The honeymoon is over...I'm so glad. I think this is the time when I get to really learn and know Christ. Will I take Him with me through this struggle? Will I take His hand and walk where He leads...even if it hurts so bad He'll probably have to carry me for awhile? Will I choose the easier path or do what I THINK I know is right? Will I let Satan falsely ease my pain?

Obviously, there is a lot weighing on my mind. What I do know is the support God is sending me. I actually tried to leave at the beginning of Riv on Sunday thinking no one would even notice. Heh. Not so fast. Right before I snuck out the side door, someone was there. She stopped me from leaving for good. She turned my heart around about leaving the only church I've ever called home. What a coincidence :)

God is showing me so much. I think He is trying to show me how much of a home I do have at Riv. I can get lost there when I want...and sometimes I can't. It is painful for me to be there right now...I'm going to admit that but I'm feeling support to stay. People are willing to hold me through this to get me through "it". The message is clear: I won't let you do this on your own. What is the solution? Eh.....not so clear.

Go Green

Since the age of four, my father has been bringing me to the Michigan State home football games. I went through a stage where I hated it, feeling cold, bored and bratty about the whole thing. I looked forward to watching Zeike the wonder dog and eating caramel popcorn. When I was in 6th grade, I began to pay attention to the game, memorized the roster and stalked some of my favorite players. After high school, I still came to some of the games. In fact...and this is embarrassing...I cried my way into the stadium when I was a junior at CMU. I was late getting to the game...Nick Saban's first as the coach...and my dad had already gone in. I explained to the security guard that if he allowed me to go to my dad's seat, my dad would have a ticket I could show. When I was told no, I began to cry. Security became embarrassed and escorted me to my dad's section (117). When we got there, he told me just to go...no need to get the ticket. Good thing because I think my dad had sold it.

You can read another story about my exploits at MSU online. I was not portrayed correctly. The shoes weren't leather. They were from Payless. And I looked cute so...so what. Yet, this article is a reminder as to why I don't over tailgate (that and the whole "not giving God glory" thing).

A lot has changed over the years but you can usually find my father and step-mom in the same tailgating spot they've been in since the early 80s, under a tree, next to the Red Cedar, across from the stadium. The perfect spot to eat sandwiches, toss the ball around and watch the band go through.

Anyhow, here is a recap of the Michigan State vs. Michigan games I remember. I didn't write these (I did write the stuff in green).

Oct. 10, 1987 MSU 17, Michigan 11 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium (77,424) Michigan State ended 18 years of frustration with its first victory over Michigan at Spartan Stadium since 1969. The determined Spartans of coach George Perles were led by their All-America running back Lorenzo White, who rushed for 185 yards on 34 carries and scored both of State's touchdowns. The MSU defense shut down Michigan's running game and thwarted the Wolverines' passing attack by intercepting seven passes, three by defensive back John Miller. The Spartans continued their winning ways and went on to capture the conference championship. This was one of the games that allowed us to go to the Rose Bowl. I still have my ticket stub.

Oct. 13, 1990 MSU 28, Michigan 27 at Ann Arbor, Michigan Stadium (106,188) This was probably the most incredible game ever played in the long, colorful history of the Michigan-Michigan State series. The contest featured everything -- drama, excitement and controversy. Twice Michigan led, twice MSU led and four times the game was tied. After Highland Hickson's second touchdown gave the Spartans a 21-14 lead in the fourth quarter, the Wolverines' Desmond Howard struck like lightning and scored on an electrifying 95-yard kickoff return to tie things up. The Spartans came right back and Tico Duckett gave them a 28-21 lead with less than two minutes remaining. Michigan made one last charge and narrowed the margin to a point on a seven-yard touchdown pass from Elvis Grbac to Derrick Alexander with six seconds left in the game. The Wolverines elected to go for a two-point conversion and the win. Grbac threw to Howard in the end zone who was tripped and dropped the pass as he hit the ground. No pass interference was called and Michigan State had an upset victory over Michigan, which was ranked No. 1 heading into the game. I didn't attend this game but I remember talking to Eddie brown about it. He was the guy who "tripped" Desmond Howard. I congratulated him on the win and he smiled.

Oct. 9, 1999 MSU 34, Michigan 31 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium (76,895) On a sunny afternoon at East Lansing, Michigan State defeated Michigan in a wild duel between quarterbacks Bill Burke of State and Tom Brady of Michigan. The Spartans dominated the first three quarters, and held what appeared to be a commanding 27-10 lead. But the Wolverines rallied with three fourth quarter touchdowns to pull within three points with two minutes remaining. State then recovered an on-side kick and ran out the clock. On the day, Burke hit 21 of 30 passes for 400 yards and two touchdowns. Wide receiver Plaxico Burress had a field day for the Spartans, hauling in 10 of Burke's passes for 255 yards. Brady completed 31 of 40 passes for 285 yards, most of which came during Michigan's furious final period comeback attempt. I think I was at this game...but I actually don't remember.

2002 MSU 26, Michigan 24 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium. T.J. Duckett had a 230-yard day against No. 6 Michigan: The final 2 were all that mattered. Jeff Smoker, scrambling and off-balance, lobbed a 2-yard touchdown pass to Duckett on the last play of the game as Michigan State beat Michigan 26-24 on Saturday, likely ending the Wolverines chances of playing in the Rose Bowl for the national championship. Duckett, who ran for 211 yards and added 19 receiving yards, found an opening in a crowded end zone, just beyond a couple leaping Wolverines. And Smoker spotted him in the nick of time. "I was jumping up and down in the end zone, waving my arms," Duckett said. "It's a big win for our program." After the catch, Duckett was swarmed in the end zone by his celebrating teammates in front of a cheering student section. There was no extra point attempt, and officials did not immediately explain why. There were seven lead changes between the Spartans (5-2, 3-2 Big Ten) and Wolverines (6-2, 4-1) and neither team led by more than seven points. Michigan State, with one time out left, started the winning drive at Michigan's 43 with 2:09 left. On a fourth-and-16 from the 50, an incomplete pass turned into a first down for Michigan State when cornerback Jeremy LeSueur was called for a personal foul for making contact with receiver Charles Rogers' face mask. Later, Michigan was flagged for having too many players on the field, which gave the Spartans a second-and-4 at the 12. All of my friends drove in to town for this game. We watched it at the Spartan Sports Den. It was too much fun.

And yes. I remember the heartbreak of last year. This year...I won't be at the game but my pops and I are going out to tailgate and make sure we get down to the river in time for the bands...some things don't change and I like it that way.

Grandma

I had to write this about my grandmother. One year ago today, at approximately 10:30ish a.m., she slipped away from earth. I miss her terribly and sometimes I still get a little angry when I think of her dying. It was peaceful but she fought it. She wanted to live until she was 100 so she could get a letter from the president. Everything was going fine until her heart was broken. Don, her boyfriend, was suddenly and without any warning, transferred to another retirement facility. His family didn't tell him or my grandma. They just up and moved him while he was eating lunch. My grandma went to his room to get him for bingo and he was gone. She was shattered and her health quickly deteriorated. So, yeah, I get a little angry sometimes because I saw her lose the will to live.

She was so awesome. She really was. I miss her and wish I could post a picture of her but don't have the capability to from work. You can see previous photos, though:

Arlene
Arlene and her grand-daughter
Memorial

See you soon, sweet lady...

Seasons

Another season has started in my life. It feels cold, dark and rainy right now but I know if i can just get through the muck, I'll be standing in the sun. Focus, focus, focus...but I tend to get caught up in my emotions. Poor me (sob).

I thought about where I was a year ago and almost wish I was back there. One last weekend with my sweet grandmother. The feeling of utmost support and the closeness of family...where is it now? We've managed to hang on a little. I'm much closer to Michael than I ever was before, and perhaps Cory and I will be again, too.

With that, I think I'm taking a little hiatus from writing. I fear I'll spill too much of my guts and get a little too personal with "it" I'm going through. I don't mean to say it will be months...maybe just a week...maybe not even that. I just have a tendency to pour my heart into this thing but I don't even know my audience anymore. That feels dangerous to me.

Go State and keep singing to me, Jimmy.

Coming Clean

Okay, I admit it. I went shopping yesterday. I only had 6 days to go but I blew it. Does it count that Yi was with me? Probably not. I also blew the whole not going out to lunch more than once a week. Just proves that I can't live up to my own standards...and I probably wasn't supposed to. Kind of reminds me of the 10 commandments...kind of. But hey! I received huge discounts! I donated clothes to Goodwill and Younkers gave me an additional 20% off already marked down prices. These coupons were only good until Tuesday. There are no Younkers stores in the Detroit area so you see...I had no choice, really. Satan was probably calling my bluff. Will I ever have self restraint....?

First Day of Fall

Have you ever stood at a window, pressed your face really close to it and looked up during a rain storm? You see the rain almost envelping you but you can't quite touch it. It feels like you can but you can't.

I was running around, making dinner, doing some laundry, balancing my finances, getting ready for Must See TV...when I thought, "Wait a minute. It's the first day of fall and there is a severe thunderstorm outside."

I turned out all the lights and stood at my dining room window. The lightning was intense, sometimes flashing boldly across the sky or in little streaks behind the trees. I smiled as I thought about the power behind those bolts...God's power. I smiled even more when I thought that maybe he had sent this little storm...perhaps the last storm of the season...just to give us storm lovers something to savor. I smiled up at God, feeling him all around me. I had been feeling icky the past few days but finally, peace came to my emotions.

You are forgiven. You are not abandoned. I will not let you be alone. You are accepted. Stop gossiping.

I wonder how many times God has to say it before I get it. I want to get these lessons the first time he lays them down, not the 10th. I guess when I finally do get it, I will have what they call wisdom...or I'd be God. I sound like Eve so let's make it clear: I'll take wisdom.

I'm up....

Yeah, I'm up and guess where I'm sitting right now. Take a guess. Nope, not there. I'm actually at work. Yup. I have to do a press check to make sure the color and registration are good enough for the client. Am I up to this? Probably not. Am I qualified? Mostly not. The press dudes called me around 10:45. I watched the end of ER (disappointing) and then headed in. By the time I got here and was ready to go, the press wasn't moving at all. The sucker was plugged...or something like that. So, I explained to the dears why I was there, showing them some errors from the last print run. They made excuses, said the client was too picky, then I said I had to make a couple of phone calls (trying to sound really important) and now I'm hiding up here while they try to figure me out. I think the longer I stay here, the more serious they'll take me. I'm tired, though....

30mph

It was turning out to be a beautiful Tuesday evening as I drove down Meadowbrook road on my way to Bally’s. I eased my way onto the service drive, making sure I stayed under the 30 mph speed limit. I became slightly agitated as a car came speeding up behind me. Anger started to creep in when the dude flashed his brights at me. “Hey, wait a minute! The speed limit is 30 mph, buddy, and don’t you know there is usually a cop up here monitoring?” The car suddenly jerked to the left and began to pass me! But wait! This wasn’t a passing lane. He was passing me over a turn lane—completely illegal. I was fired up.

The green Honda sped along the service drive and I prayed for a cop to being sitting in the usual spot. Said dude approached the second speed limit sign and I saw his brake lights come on. Hmmmm…. I made a little self bet…this dude is also going to Bally’s. Sure enough, as I was pulling into the first parking lot entrance, he had gone down to the second entrance. We were now facing each other…in our cars. It was almost like a showdown. I pulled into the empty spot to the right while he pulled into the left. Again, I was fired up and something came over me as I got out of my car. I was going to confront him. I had no fear.

When I saw him, though, I stopped short. He was short. Really short. In fact, he looked a lot like my friend Russ. I was wearing my boots and was about 3 inches above him.

“Sir!” I yelled in his direction. He turned toward me, surprised. “Sir…was it really necessary to pass me in a 30 mph zone?”
“Sorry?” the guy said as if he didn’t understand.
“You passed me back there when the speed limit was 30 mph.”
“Ohhh…yeah…well, the limit is not 30 mph.”
“You’re kidding me, right? I’ve been taking that road twice a week for the past five years. You need to go back and have another look.”
“Is it 30mph? I didn’t know. I saw the second sign and slowed down but I thought you were going slow because the sun was in your eyes.”
I was having a difficult time understanding this man because of his thick Indian accent but also because he had a plastic mouth guard in his mouth.
“Sun in my eyes? No. But even so, you do realize it’s illegal to pass when there is a center turn lane. Someone could be in that turn lane and you would crash right into them. I mean, what were you in such a big hurry for? Do you have a favorite elliptical trainer or something? I mean, really, there’s no need to put your life in danger or get a ticket just to get to Bally’s faster.”
After my little lecture, the guy smiled and acknowledged that he usually doesn’t drive so carelessly. I turned to my car to get my gym back out. It wasn’t there. I had left it at home. D’oh.
“And now, after all of this, I left my gym bag at home…I can’t even work out!” I exclaimed. We both started laughing. Little dude went on his way and forgetful girl went home, laughing at herself for being so self-righteous.

Just as I was getting used to calling it Marshall Fields, they change the name to Macy's. Maybe I'll just go back to calling it Hudson's for fun.

I finally found the lyrics to that Kenny Chesney song.

Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin’ in the rain
Still can’t believe you’re gone.

Chorus

It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I been through
Just knowin’ no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder
Who you’d be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Somedays the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know
I’ll see you again some day
Someday, someday

The Samaritan Woman Returns

Okay. I admit it. I have acceptance issues. I want everyone to like me. I, in turn, want to like everyone back. So, what’s the problem? So, why don’t I? And why do I fall apart when the affirmation isn’t given or I’m rejected?

It’s my fault. I place expectations on people and they fail to live by them. How rude. I try to live by other people’s expectations and I fail them. How rude. This is my little story from this weekend of acceptance and why I constantly need it.

The words were quick and harsh. Cringing from their blow, I tried to dismiss my intentions. “Look, so and so, I wasn’t trying to say you don’t work hard and you couldn't possibly be so tired that you're going to go to bed at 7:30 p.m. on your 30th birthday (Yes I was). I just wanted to bring you a gift.” I was told (in an annoyed, mean voice) to just drop it off sometime. With that, I hung up. I had poured a week’s worth of work into this gift. I had stressed about it and spent too much of my free time trying to finish. Why had I done all this? To make so and so happy?

The pain of the rejection was fresh on my heart as I sat across from a friend--a friend on my spiritual 911 speed dial. I hadn’t even wanted to discuss my pain. I wanted to have a drink and to speak light heartedly about life, movies, books. It was a perfect, September evening with the full moon occasionally ducking under some clouds. As we sat under the partly cloudy sky, my friend looked at me curiously and I spilled my guts about the rejection I had just felt.

CL: I think you have acceptance issues. I read your blog. I know you do.
HB: Maybe…well…I know I do for sure with certain people. But I want to be liked by everyone.
CL: Everyone kind of does. No one likes rejection. Living your life by what others think of you, though…that’s no way to live.
HB: I know.
CL: You know the story of the Samaritan Woman?
I laughed and smacked my forward. Of course! Riv teaches on the Samaritan Woman all the darn time!
HB: Yes, the woman who went to the well in the middle of the day because she wanted to avoid people…because she was a hussy and everyone looked down on her. Jesus calls her out on her sins and tells her he can give her so much water she would never be thirsty again.
CL: What’s the water he wants to give her?
HB: Him.
CL: There is something in that exchange 99.9% of people miss. It is a small detail but John put it in the lesson for a reason. What does the woman do after she realizes who Jesus is?
HB: She runs to tell everyone else.
CL: Right…but that little detail, Holly...she leaves her bucket behind when she goes. Why did she do that? Why did John write that small detail?
I smiled as it all became so clear to me.
HB: She didn’t need it anymore. Jesus filled her up. He accepted her.

I sat there for a moment and thought all of this through. I had made the special gift for so and so because I wanted the acceptance, not exactly because I wanted to make them happy. This person is always a little mean to me because I care too much. I let it happen time and time again. No, this person had not rejected me as much as I was setting an expectation I wanted and thought I needed him to fulfill. How unfair. When I became a Christian, I felt Christ’s love for me. I saw life through a new hope. But I never fully replaced my longing for acceptance with something real. I was taking little sips of Christ’s water and doing it when I wanted. As I sat across from my friend, my eyes moved to my glass. It was empty but I was not. For one of the first real times, I felt quenched. I am stamped with Christ’s love and acceptance. I know my past is peppered with evil. I know I have the capability to be evil and set myself up for rejection. Can I be happy with a real relationship? The one I have with Christ?

HB: Wow. This Samaritan woman continues to amaze me. I wonder how many more lessons she has up her sleeve.
CL: Christ loved her and he loves you. Can you accept that?

What a simple, complex question. I stared up at the moon just in time to see the last of the clouds drift out of eyesight. The lucid sky beckoned me. Take a drink. Take all of it.

I am the Samaritan woman. I’m her over and over again because I keep expecting my relationships with people to fulfill me instead of letting Christ fulfill me. The Samaritan woman got it, though. She left her bucket behind. I find myself still holding my bucket out to others without realizing it is already overflowing.

Welcome to earth, Barend Mayer. You're in for a treat...

Helllllo, Joaquin.... I really want to thank Dave for the Dreamdate document he put together for me. I wish I could post it but no go. I did find out that Joaquin is a strict vegan. This will not work for me. He was also quoted as saying he had a catholic girlfriend once but broke up with her because she wouldn't show him some love. No, Joaquin, I don't think we're going to work out after all. It would have been great...eating flank steaks while sitting on our leather couch...oh well...

Original Photo of me moms.

Here is a copy of the work I did in Adobe Photoshop class today! See...I'm in my mom's picture....

Excellent guesses, everyone but…no dice.

Here we go.

Ready? I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed. Okay, I’ll admit it. I have a thing for Joaquin Phoenix.

There it is…out there. This “thing” started when I saw Signs for the third time. There was just something about the guy playing Merrill. Then, when I saw Ladder 49…oh boy…done deal. Now, I realize I don’t KNOW the real Joaquin and perhaps I only have a “thing” for certain characters he has played (I need to interject here and say I adored him in The Village even though I didn’t care for the movie much…don’t get me started on Gladiator (yuck)). So, I’m admitting this fascination because of the “coincidences” which have happened in the past couple of weeks.

I went to Toronto (really it was Mississauga) the week of August 22nd. The night before I left, I watched The Village. As I laid my sleepy head down to the pillow, I thought to myself, “wouldn’t it be super cool if Joaquin just happened to be at the same hotel I’m going to be staying in?” I laughed, half-asleep. How silly. I mean, what are the chances he would even be in the area. Fade to black.

I had to go back to Toronto (again, Mississauga) this past Monday and Tuesday. As my supervisor, co-worker and I sped down one of the most boring highways ever, Amy turned to me and said, “Did you know the Toronto International Film Festival is going on right now?” My heart almost bounced out of my body. “Are you playing with me, Amy? I mean…if that is true, there is a slim chance Joaquin is in town to promote Walk The Line!” We discussed this as we scanned boxes, trying to figure out how to get to downtown Toronto and bump into Mr. Phoenix. Alas, we finished up at 4:30 p.m., went back to the hotel, went out to dinner and then felt too tired to care. Before heading back to our rooms, I asked Amy for a favor.

“Will you go down to the hotel bar with me…just so I can check?” She agreed but of course, no Joaquin. Oh well. I wasn’t serious anyhow…heh.

We spent the morning with our vendor and finished really early. Jim, Amy and I joked that we should go down to the film festival to look for Joaquin, even though I couldn’t even confirm he was in town. We joked about this all the way home.

Wednesday night, I was flipping through stations when Joaquin’s face suddenly flashed on the screen. I had stumbled upon some cheesy game show where the contestant had to guess the names of people on the covers of magazines. Among Cokie Roberts, Arnold S., and whomever else….was a picture of Joaquin. Wow. What a “coincidence”. An hour later, a promo for “8mm” came on. Another shot of Joaquin jumped in front of my face. What is going on? Is Satan toying with me?

And now for the biggest kick in the guts (well, yesterday, anyhow): I went to CNN.com and clicked on the link about the new Johnny Cash movie. Now, I knew Joaquin was playing the role. No surprise there. The kicker….."Walk the Line," which premiered Tuesday at the Toronto International Film Festival…and there was Joaquin, all dressed up. I missed him by a few hours. HE WAS THERE! I just can’t believe it. I hope he didn’t wait long at the Novotel Hotel bar. Ugh! Amy feels bad we didn’t try to go downtown but what would I have said to him as I stood there in my Wrigley Field tee, grubby jeans, hair pulled back looking like a mess? “Hi….uh…hi….loved you in Spacecamp.”

So, yeah…there it is. I’m a huge fan of Joaquin and think I might see Walk The Line on opening day. It helps I’m a fan of Johnny Cash, too, but who am kidding? Sigh…all this proves is nothing except my little fantasy world is alive and strong. Doesn’t all of this mean anything? I know it means I’m changing my desktop wall paper from the picture of Riv at Easter to Joaquin on the red carpet in Toronto. Steve Sommerlot comes down, Joaquin Phoenix goes up. That’s just the way it works…

Happy Birthday to Mason's head varsity baseball coach (a close friend of mine).