I traveled to Louisville, KY this weekend all by myself and I actually enjoyed it. There was a lot of time to think, reflect, daydream, sing out loud with no one critiquing, talk to God and marvel at the lands I was speeding by. I left Lansing at 6:30ish on Saturday morning and passed through my old hometowns of Charlotte and Olivet. I knew my way. I’ve traveled this path many times. The weather was a little cloudy with occasional sprinkles but I was blessed with awesome music. I only put a CD in once and then only listened to three songs. When I crossed the Michigan border, the land was less familiar but the history lover in me remembered that Ronald Reagan, John Mellencamp, and James Dean had all been born in Indiana. In fact, when I got to Fairmount, I decided to take a potty break at a gas station claming to have one of the best selections of James Dean memorabilia. Um….yeah….I don’t think so. I truly should have known better but I passed by the cigarette smokers and tobacco chewers, took care of business and got the heck out of there. I was also bummed by the speed limit of 65mph. I pushed the limit at times and had a mini-heart attack when a state trooper pulled a u-turn after he passed me going the other way. “Oh crap” I paraphrased. Lucky me…he pulled over the van behind me. I did slow down to 68 mph after.
I made it to Louisville by 1 pm and went to the wedding. Want to know about the wedding? Excellent! Ben and Nicole got married at a bed and breakfast in New Albany, IN. It was pretty and small, intimate. A candle was lit in memory of Simeon and then the young woman who had been his bride only two years ago, placed a flower next to the candle. Ben’s mom followed and then Ben came out, knelt by the candle and placed his flower there. As soon as Nicole came outside, Ben started crying. This made her cry. Then everyone was crying. They were so drunk with love for each other, barely making it through their vows. They were by each other all night, making each requested kiss more meaningful then the last. We ate dinner, ate some cake and began to part ways around 9:00. The new couple shared a dance on the patio in front of the pool and forgot others were watching as they became lost in each other. This may be the most loving wedding I’ve ever witnessed. There are only a few that rank up there. God bless them.
I left town at 7:00 the next morning, hoping to make it to church in time. I was enjoying the music, the sunny sky, the early morning hues when BAM! Another police officer passed by me and flipped his lights on as he made a u-turn. “Oh, no, sir. Please, no, sir. I promise to slow down.” I thought I was screwed. Once again, the dude behind me got pulled over instead. Crazy. I made it to Indianapolis by 9ish. Relying on my usually reliable sense of direction, I made a wrong turn and went 15 miles the wrong way on 465 West. Right away, I started questioning myself. “I don’t remember these landmarks. Oh no. Lick Creek? I would remember Lick Creek.” After I turned around and got back on track, I felt relief when I saw the landmarks I DID recognize. The giant bowling pin, the United Skates roller rink, Hemorrhoid Center of Indianapolis…I’m going the right way. As I traveled through the very long state of IN, my music situation was a little more desperate. LOTS of Christian radio and church services. I managed to find some Johnny Cash and thankfully I like country music. I made it back to Lansing by 12:45. Boooooo. I missed church but I was okay with it because I felt relaxed from this time spent alone.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
Bible Quiz Answers
Even though Joey phoned in his answers late last night, he didn't post them so they do not count. Here is the answer to the second part of the second question.
Barnabus and Paul got into an argument over Barnabas' cousin John also called Mark. Why? What would upset the two dudes so much that they would part ways? It was because John Mark ditched them in Pamphylia, the first mission trip. Barnabas wanted to give his cousin a second chance but Paul was reluctant. But let's learn more about this John Mark character, shall we....
John Mark was a young guy from Jerusalem. He was exposed to the early Christian movement and his mother, Mary, opened her home to the early Christian leaders. Paul and Barnabas took Mark on their first missionary trip but Mark took off for some reason. Paul was "terribly disappointed" and refused to allow Mark on the next journey which led to the spat. My Bible states that "although Paul may have sized up the young man as hopeless, he later changed his opinion. Mark eventually became a valued assistant to Paul and three of the apostle's letters mention him with gratitude. Peter refers warmly to Mark as "my son" (1 Peter 5:13). Tradition has it that Mark accompanied Peter to Rome, where Peter helped him write the Gospel account that bears Mark's name."
I thought this was very interesting and just wanted to share with you :)
Barnabus and Paul got into an argument over Barnabas' cousin John also called Mark. Why? What would upset the two dudes so much that they would part ways? It was because John Mark ditched them in Pamphylia, the first mission trip. Barnabas wanted to give his cousin a second chance but Paul was reluctant. But let's learn more about this John Mark character, shall we....
John Mark was a young guy from Jerusalem. He was exposed to the early Christian movement and his mother, Mary, opened her home to the early Christian leaders. Paul and Barnabas took Mark on their first missionary trip but Mark took off for some reason. Paul was "terribly disappointed" and refused to allow Mark on the next journey which led to the spat. My Bible states that "although Paul may have sized up the young man as hopeless, he later changed his opinion. Mark eventually became a valued assistant to Paul and three of the apostle's letters mention him with gratitude. Peter refers warmly to Mark as "my son" (1 Peter 5:13). Tradition has it that Mark accompanied Peter to Rome, where Peter helped him write the Gospel account that bears Mark's name."
I thought this was very interesting and just wanted to share with you :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Bible Quiz
I was reading some fascinating stuff last night and had two easy questions for you:
1.) Where were the disciples first referred to as Christians?
2.) There is a really cool story about a disagreement Paul has with someone in Acts. This disagreement caused these two friends to go their separate ways. Who was the disagreement with and what was the disagreement about?
I know. These are probably too easy...
1.) Where were the disciples first referred to as Christians?
2.) There is a really cool story about a disagreement Paul has with someone in Acts. This disagreement caused these two friends to go their separate ways. Who was the disagreement with and what was the disagreement about?
I know. These are probably too easy...
Meijer
So, I was having a strange day on Sunday and headed into the Wixom Meijer for some food. Because I lost my debit card and do not have the replacement, I've had to budget myself with whatever money I have. Kind of a good lesson but anyway....
Meijer has new carts! They are lighter weight (probably plastic) and blue. The best part is they come in two sizes: large and small. Yes, that is right. Meijer has provided the perfect cart for me. It is like pushing a double basket on wheels. So much better than a basket, though because my groceries get heavy. This thing is so cool. I wanted to take it home but of course, I left it for someone else. Yay, Meijer!
Meijer has new carts! They are lighter weight (probably plastic) and blue. The best part is they come in two sizes: large and small. Yes, that is right. Meijer has provided the perfect cart for me. It is like pushing a double basket on wheels. So much better than a basket, though because my groceries get heavy. This thing is so cool. I wanted to take it home but of course, I left it for someone else. Yay, Meijer!
Passport
I just sent my passport in for the mission trip. Another $100--bye-bye. I just want to get it in time. I'm super nervous because I remember this conversation posted by Noel:
August 03, 2004
Passports and Divorce
{ MOOD: Hehe NOISE: Grace and Eric talking }
Quote of the day:
NOEL: "I bet we could get a divorce faster than we could get your frickin' passport."
GRACE: "Wanna try?"
Now, I know there were other circumstances flying around that snafu but everyone always complains about this process. It only took me 5 minutes to apply and the guy at the Post Office was really nice. Said I should have it in four weeks. Let us pray.
Oh, and despite what anyone tells you, you are most definitely allowed to smile in your passport photo (*^&# CVS).
August 03, 2004
Passports and Divorce
{ MOOD: Hehe NOISE: Grace and Eric talking }
Quote of the day:
NOEL: "I bet we could get a divorce faster than we could get your frickin' passport."
GRACE: "Wanna try?"
Now, I know there were other circumstances flying around that snafu but everyone always complains about this process. It only took me 5 minutes to apply and the guy at the Post Office was really nice. Said I should have it in four weeks. Let us pray.
Oh, and despite what anyone tells you, you are most definitely allowed to smile in your passport photo (*^&# CVS).
I’m not sitting in the front row anymore.
I always preferred the back rows. That was where the cool kids sat. In college, I heard a theory that the closer to the front you sit, the more you will understand. Cool kids sat in back. Kids with better grades sat in front. I started sitting in front. For the most part, it worked.
These past couple of weeks at church have blown me away, though. I walk into Riverview so happy and giddy, take my seat near the front, sing a bunch of songs, start listening to the message…and end up a mess. I get so frustrated! It’s like I can’t comprehend what is being said. Perhaps it is going by too fast. Or maybe, I’m so focused on trying to understand what was just said that I miss the explanation. Here are some of the notes I have written to Joey in the past three weeks:
“I don’t understand.”
“ugh!”
“I can never be the way I need to be, the way Noel is talking about.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Something is just not clicking in my brain.”
“I give up.”
I’ve really been struggling with these messages about Paradoxes. I loved the first teaching about giving up your life to gain it. I understood most but I remember looking around desperately thinking, “I can’t be that nice to people.” See, I’m a wonderful person outside of work (ha ha) but once I get there, the florescent lights burn everything I’ve just learned out of my brain. “Give more, be nice, smile, don’t complain, calm down, answer that phone call, quit surfing the net...” Sorry. I just can’t do it.
As I was saying, I lost it Sunday. I walked into Riv as chirpy as ever, fluttering from person to person and nesting in a newer area (for a little change of pace). So we sing and la, la, la…Noel comes out and starts off by giving a lot of announcements…then…gives some family business…looks in our general direction and talks about what we should do when someone sins against us. Gulp. The whole message was really difficult for me to grasp and understand but oh, could I relate. Every morning I do push myself to do better, be better. I pray, God please help me to be a nicer person. Please help me help others.
I felt truth just rushing at me, too fast for me to comprehend. Yeah, I was so overwhelmed I was sobbing by the end of church. Especially when the new U2 song was played. The whole message pretty much ruined my day. I’ll never fully understand. I’m always going to screw up even when I know not to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never get this Christianity thing right.
I was wiped out. I took a nap at my mom’s, woke up grumpier than ever, and headed home. I saw the CD of the message laying on the seat of my car. I ignored it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like going through something I viewed as emotionally exhausting twice in one day. I did want to see if that U2 song was on there, though…no! I won’t listen to it. And then I did.
I followed along. I picked up things I missed the first time. I agreed. I smiled. I think I get it.
I’m always and forever going to screw up. I just will because I’m not God. However, I have to do two things which are complete opposites of each other: give it up. Don’t give up…but give it up…to Him. Or…another way to look at it….
GOD: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
HOLLY: God, learning about these things in Riverview is one thing. Living it out in life is totally different.
GOD: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
HOLLY: (focusing, quietly) All right, I'll give it a try.
GOD: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
HOLLY: I don't... I don't believe it.
GOD: That is why you fail.
Um, yeah, I know God sounds a lot like Yoda. What God does tell us is so priceless. I am not to try anything. I only have to know I can’t do it on my own. He will do it.
Galatians 5:22 When the Holy Spirit lives in us, He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It isn’t me that needs to try harder, strive to be better, set up extra rules and regulations to make myself these things. It is Him…He. I just have to trust Him and know I can’t do it on my own. I must pray over it, trust Him during the day, act by the Holy Spirit inside of me, and thank God for all that is good.
Probably sounds a little wishy washy to some of you. Hey, I lived this yesterday and maybe it was just my imagination but uh…it worked. I got into a couple of jams and I thought I was screwed but I prayed right away asking for help…and everything worked out. I found myself giving a little bit more, wanting to give a little bit more. I’m also getting along with someone I never thought I would. Oh, and I went to lunch with a co-worker who had a lot of questions for me about the Bible and God. I was able to just say what came to mind…and I even used the things I learned Sunday…twice.
These past couple of weeks at church have blown me away, though. I walk into Riverview so happy and giddy, take my seat near the front, sing a bunch of songs, start listening to the message…and end up a mess. I get so frustrated! It’s like I can’t comprehend what is being said. Perhaps it is going by too fast. Or maybe, I’m so focused on trying to understand what was just said that I miss the explanation. Here are some of the notes I have written to Joey in the past three weeks:
“I don’t understand.”
“ugh!”
“I can never be the way I need to be, the way Noel is talking about.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Something is just not clicking in my brain.”
“I give up.”
I’ve really been struggling with these messages about Paradoxes. I loved the first teaching about giving up your life to gain it. I understood most but I remember looking around desperately thinking, “I can’t be that nice to people.” See, I’m a wonderful person outside of work (ha ha) but once I get there, the florescent lights burn everything I’ve just learned out of my brain. “Give more, be nice, smile, don’t complain, calm down, answer that phone call, quit surfing the net...” Sorry. I just can’t do it.
As I was saying, I lost it Sunday. I walked into Riv as chirpy as ever, fluttering from person to person and nesting in a newer area (for a little change of pace). So we sing and la, la, la…Noel comes out and starts off by giving a lot of announcements…then…gives some family business…looks in our general direction and talks about what we should do when someone sins against us. Gulp. The whole message was really difficult for me to grasp and understand but oh, could I relate. Every morning I do push myself to do better, be better. I pray, God please help me to be a nicer person. Please help me help others.
I felt truth just rushing at me, too fast for me to comprehend. Yeah, I was so overwhelmed I was sobbing by the end of church. Especially when the new U2 song was played. The whole message pretty much ruined my day. I’ll never fully understand. I’m always going to screw up even when I know not to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never get this Christianity thing right.
I was wiped out. I took a nap at my mom’s, woke up grumpier than ever, and headed home. I saw the CD of the message laying on the seat of my car. I ignored it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like going through something I viewed as emotionally exhausting twice in one day. I did want to see if that U2 song was on there, though…no! I won’t listen to it. And then I did.
I followed along. I picked up things I missed the first time. I agreed. I smiled. I think I get it.
I’m always and forever going to screw up. I just will because I’m not God. However, I have to do two things which are complete opposites of each other: give it up. Don’t give up…but give it up…to Him. Or…another way to look at it….
GOD: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
HOLLY: God, learning about these things in Riverview is one thing. Living it out in life is totally different.
GOD: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
HOLLY: (focusing, quietly) All right, I'll give it a try.
GOD: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
HOLLY: I don't... I don't believe it.
GOD: That is why you fail.
Um, yeah, I know God sounds a lot like Yoda. What God does tell us is so priceless. I am not to try anything. I only have to know I can’t do it on my own. He will do it.
Galatians 5:22 When the Holy Spirit lives in us, He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It isn’t me that needs to try harder, strive to be better, set up extra rules and regulations to make myself these things. It is Him…He. I just have to trust Him and know I can’t do it on my own. I must pray over it, trust Him during the day, act by the Holy Spirit inside of me, and thank God for all that is good.
Probably sounds a little wishy washy to some of you. Hey, I lived this yesterday and maybe it was just my imagination but uh…it worked. I got into a couple of jams and I thought I was screwed but I prayed right away asking for help…and everything worked out. I found myself giving a little bit more, wanting to give a little bit more. I’m also getting along with someone I never thought I would. Oh, and I went to lunch with a co-worker who had a lot of questions for me about the Bible and God. I was able to just say what came to mind…and I even used the things I learned Sunday…twice.
I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right! I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. It seems a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
I never would have guessed that me and a man over 2,000 years old could have so much in common…
I never would have guessed that me and a man over 2,000 years old could have so much in common…
Thursday, April 21, 2005
My Hurt
What is bummin me out? Really want to know?
There is a person in my life…someone who deeply influenced me while I was growing up. She was someone I looked up to but could never really be myself around. She has accepted me as her daughter and I know she is proud of me. The problem is this person is harsh, biting, and judgmental when it comes to her opinion versus yours. I have rarely ever stood up to her or defended by views because I know there is just no point. I end up sitting there and listening to her rants. Still, I love this person. She has been in my life since I was born. She makes me laugh and when she isn’t being opinionated, we have a great time.
I bet you guessed by now why I’m hurt.
She told me on Easter Sunday she would support me even if she didn’t agree. She said she would come to my baptism. She even e-mailed me back on Monday and asked if she should bring her own Legos to church on Sunday…I took that as a sign that she would be there, despite her differing view. I was a little shocked when my father called me Sunday morning to say he didn’t know if she was going or not. Then, he arrived by himself. I blew it off, not putting too much thought into it. After all, I didn’t do it for her. I don’t need her approval….or do I?
My father called me Sunday evening to thank me and say he had a good time. I asked why she didn’t come. He took a deep breath and said, “That is something you’ll have to patch up with her?” Huh? Patch up? What did I break? “She loves you very much but she doesn’t agree with what you are doing. She doesn’t think you are making the right decisions.”
That is what hurts. She is trying to make a point. She was going to go but decided not to in order to make a point to me. It hurt and it feels intentional.
She attended my band concerts in school.
She came to my awards presentations.
She had birthday parties for me.
She took part in all of the holidays.
She made me feel at home.
She attended the baptisms of my niece and nephew.
She came to my high school graduation.
She came to my college graduation.
She came to all of the parents’ days in high school and college.
She came to every one of my new apartments. Even brought me a housewarming gift.
But she couldn't bring herself to come to this, to not even check out the church or meet the pastors. Forget the differences in our views. I can accept those. But I’m not a child making bad decisions and I need her to know this one hurt. Knowing me, I will back down, not say anything, and carry on as usual. Perhaps not, though. I've got to relay it to her somehow.
Thank you for your advice on this matter. I took all of it to heart and it will help lead me. I pray God gives me direction and the words to say what needs to be said without being a spoiled brat about it.
There is a person in my life…someone who deeply influenced me while I was growing up. She was someone I looked up to but could never really be myself around. She has accepted me as her daughter and I know she is proud of me. The problem is this person is harsh, biting, and judgmental when it comes to her opinion versus yours. I have rarely ever stood up to her or defended by views because I know there is just no point. I end up sitting there and listening to her rants. Still, I love this person. She has been in my life since I was born. She makes me laugh and when she isn’t being opinionated, we have a great time.
I bet you guessed by now why I’m hurt.
She told me on Easter Sunday she would support me even if she didn’t agree. She said she would come to my baptism. She even e-mailed me back on Monday and asked if she should bring her own Legos to church on Sunday…I took that as a sign that she would be there, despite her differing view. I was a little shocked when my father called me Sunday morning to say he didn’t know if she was going or not. Then, he arrived by himself. I blew it off, not putting too much thought into it. After all, I didn’t do it for her. I don’t need her approval….or do I?
My father called me Sunday evening to thank me and say he had a good time. I asked why she didn’t come. He took a deep breath and said, “That is something you’ll have to patch up with her?” Huh? Patch up? What did I break? “She loves you very much but she doesn’t agree with what you are doing. She doesn’t think you are making the right decisions.”
That is what hurts. She is trying to make a point. She was going to go but decided not to in order to make a point to me. It hurt and it feels intentional.
She attended my band concerts in school.
She came to my awards presentations.
She had birthday parties for me.
She took part in all of the holidays.
She made me feel at home.
She attended the baptisms of my niece and nephew.
She came to my high school graduation.
She came to my college graduation.
She came to all of the parents’ days in high school and college.
She came to every one of my new apartments. Even brought me a housewarming gift.
But she couldn't bring herself to come to this, to not even check out the church or meet the pastors. Forget the differences in our views. I can accept those. But I’m not a child making bad decisions and I need her to know this one hurt. Knowing me, I will back down, not say anything, and carry on as usual. Perhaps not, though. I've got to relay it to her somehow.
Thank you for your advice on this matter. I took all of it to heart and it will help lead me. I pray God gives me direction and the words to say what needs to be said without being a spoiled brat about it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Question pour vous.....
Let's say someone deeply hurt me...and it isn't the first time...do I have a right to explain it to them or do I just suck it up and carry on as if nothing happened? I know that just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I am a whimp. I'm just prayfully trying to figure out a way to let this person know that this last hurt is hurting the worst...I'll forgive them (which they probably won't ask for) but I need for this person to know this time. This person doesn't have to believe the same things I do. That isn't what this is about...I just want them to know...I think (whimp).
Philippians 4:8
Whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable--
if anything is excellent
or praiseworthy--
think about such things
(and Holly, quit being a baby when things don't go your way).
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable--
if anything is excellent
or praiseworthy--
think about such things
(and Holly, quit being a baby when things don't go your way).
OK
It has been 10 years since the Oklahoma City bombing. It still makes me want to cry. I was a freshman in college, came home from my morning class, flipped on the TV for a little Happy Days before my next class and saw the carnage. I felt sick inside and could not take my eyes away from the images. The darkest hour was when I realized how many children died. My nephew was just a little guy at the time and all I could think about was him. I went home that weekend just to give him a hug. I wanted to apologize to him for this crazy world. Of course, he was so young, he didn’t know how crazy it gets. When the news of the OK bombing finally died down, I remember feeling relieved as lives slowly returned to normal. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “this is the worst disaster I’ve ever known…an American bombing a building…how horrible…”
Prayers to those who lived through it. Their healing continues.
Prayers to those who lived through it. Their healing continues.
The Light
Most of you know...I got baptized on Sunday! It was such a wonderful experience. My friends drove in from D-town and most of my family members also came to support me. I was nervous but the Hills calmed me down a bit by saying "whoever is supposed to be here will." I know not all of my friends liked the church (actually, all of my friends liked the church a lot but some of the guests of my friends thought it was weird...ha! Yes! That is why I attend church there.) and my step-dad had some issues with the lesson but other than that, awesome day! The best part (other than introducing my peeps to my pastors and Riv friends) was getting into the baptismal pool. I was trying to focus on why I was doing all of this...but when I got on my knees, the water went up my shirt and I started laughing. I went backwards into the water, briefly, with my eyes shut and my nose plugged but there was no darkness...all I saw and felt was light. Beautiful white light. In my mind, under the water, I said to myself, "Now others know you walk in the light....Now."
Thank you, Riverview....which would include the pastors that teach us, Chuck who helped me sort out some stuff, and my friends who really are the coolest.
Thank you, Family for coming and supporting me even if you had reservations.
Thank you, Best Friends who felt convicted to drive all that way to see me take such a major step.
Thank You, God, for all of them...and of course, Your son...who is You...I'm still trying to sort that out...but also thank You for the warm water.
Thank you, Riverview....which would include the pastors that teach us, Chuck who helped me sort out some stuff, and my friends who really are the coolest.
Thank you, Family for coming and supporting me even if you had reservations.
Thank you, Best Friends who felt convicted to drive all that way to see me take such a major step.
Thank You, God, for all of them...and of course, Your son...who is You...I'm still trying to sort that out...but also thank You for the warm water.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Sunday Tears
I feel like I cried all day Sunday, but I'm sure I laughed a few times. It started when Noel got up to deliver his message. He announced that Dan's dad passed away that morning. I looked at Joey, looked back at Noel, looked at Joey, looked back at Noel...for some reason I was confused. I didn't understand. I kept telling Joey, "I don't understand." Then, it started to sink in and...well...yeah. I had to leave for a minute to pull it together (and to get us some tissue). I could tell Noel was feeling it, too. He had just found out two minutes before. Of course, Noel had perspective which we needed to be reminded of...so he reminded us. He taught about giving up your life in order to gain it. The message made me feel that there was no way I could ever live up to these expectations. Maybe I'll blog about the message at a later time. Right now I want to blog about crying.
The second time I started crying was when Noel talked about giving up his dream of planting a church. I turned to Joey and whispered, "What if Grace and Noel had left to plant a church before I got here? Would I still be here?" That is something crazy for me (pastors, close your eyes :). What if...I love that little game we play with ourselves. Still, everything was exactly as it should have been when I started going to Riverview. God had it lined up. He knew it would take someone crazy to open my heart....but it really hit me hard and I felt gratitude for all God has done for me through my pastors and other people. So, I started crying.
And then Dana's story was told. It was told in a way that I forgot I had written it. I bowed my head and just listened. Joey whispered, "you made everyone cry, Holly." I looked up and saw how powerful the story had been. I saw that it moved people, made people think. It made me think and re-think. I shared the CD with Dana. She is so honored that the trials she went through can possibly help other people.
I know I'm not supposed to think my church is the coolest...but it is. I know I can think God is the coolest. And he is.
The second time I started crying was when Noel talked about giving up his dream of planting a church. I turned to Joey and whispered, "What if Grace and Noel had left to plant a church before I got here? Would I still be here?" That is something crazy for me (pastors, close your eyes :). What if...I love that little game we play with ourselves. Still, everything was exactly as it should have been when I started going to Riverview. God had it lined up. He knew it would take someone crazy to open my heart....but it really hit me hard and I felt gratitude for all God has done for me through my pastors and other people. So, I started crying.
And then Dana's story was told. It was told in a way that I forgot I had written it. I bowed my head and just listened. Joey whispered, "you made everyone cry, Holly." I looked up and saw how powerful the story had been. I saw that it moved people, made people think. It made me think and re-think. I shared the CD with Dana. She is so honored that the trials she went through can possibly help other people.
I know I'm not supposed to think my church is the coolest...but it is. I know I can think God is the coolest. And he is.
Last Saturday
Saturday was a good day.
Joey brought the pups over to my sister’s and the whole family (excluding my sis—she was recovering from an infected arm in the hospital) cleaned the house. We grilled out for lunch, got rid of a lot of stuff, and actually had fun. When the ice cream dude pulled up, we all got a yummy treat. The Heikkinen’s were also out enjoying the beautiful weather. Little Cole tugged on my pant leg and pointed to the ice cream he wanted. “Uh.” That was what he said. He tugged on my pant leg again because he needed the ice cream opened. “Uh.” Such a serious, little guy.
That evening, Joey and my brother-in-law loaded up Joey’s basketball hoop into my brother-in-law’s trailer. Then we took the kids and drove up to Dewitt to see the Mazur’s. They live out in the country but not too far from the city (I like that kind of country). It was a nice drive and a warm welcome. I truly enjoy Kate and Brent and the kids….well…they are so adorable. Even when Luke tries to escape his bath and Ruth just doesn’t know what she wants, they are such cuties. I’ve really taken to Amber. She is such a special girl. She made Joey and I a card thanking us for the basketball hoop. I have it hanging next to my desk. It makes me smile. I look forward to more fun times with the Mazur's :)
Joey brought the pups over to my sister’s and the whole family (excluding my sis—she was recovering from an infected arm in the hospital) cleaned the house. We grilled out for lunch, got rid of a lot of stuff, and actually had fun. When the ice cream dude pulled up, we all got a yummy treat. The Heikkinen’s were also out enjoying the beautiful weather. Little Cole tugged on my pant leg and pointed to the ice cream he wanted. “Uh.” That was what he said. He tugged on my pant leg again because he needed the ice cream opened. “Uh.” Such a serious, little guy.
That evening, Joey and my brother-in-law loaded up Joey’s basketball hoop into my brother-in-law’s trailer. Then we took the kids and drove up to Dewitt to see the Mazur’s. They live out in the country but not too far from the city (I like that kind of country). It was a nice drive and a warm welcome. I truly enjoy Kate and Brent and the kids….well…they are so adorable. Even when Luke tries to escape his bath and Ruth just doesn’t know what she wants, they are such cuties. I’ve really taken to Amber. She is such a special girl. She made Joey and I a card thanking us for the basketball hoop. I have it hanging next to my desk. It makes me smile. I look forward to more fun times with the Mazur's :)
Fish
My fish died Tuesday. His name was McNeil. He died of constipation. I'm told there was nothing I could have really done.
The other fish are dying one by one, also. Our supervisor got them for us to bring up morale. Now he's telling us we only get three minutes for bereavement.
The other fish are dying one by one, also. Our supervisor got them for us to bring up morale. Now he's telling us we only get three minutes for bereavement.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Work
Dana: High healed shoes aren't a great idea half way through the day.
Jim (our supervisor): I don't know, I only wear them at night.
Jim (our supervisor): I don't know, I only wear them at night.
Written with her permission :o)
Her name is Dana. She is a month older than I, very happily married, a co-worker, and a new Christ follower. Dana is also my roommate’s best friend since high school. She sits a row over from me and is definitely an innovative thinker, challenging the old system of how we do things here at Valassis. More and more, we have confided in each other and turned to one another for support. I’ve written about her before, telling about the excitement of watching a new Christian get all fired up for God. Tami and I invited Dana to our weekly Purpose Driven Lunch and she accepted, full of enthusiasm. It was during our first meeting last week that I really got to know Dana and I clearly saw God’s work in her life.
Dana grew up Catholic with mom, dad, and little sister, Lauren. Her parents divorced when Dana was out of high school but the two remained friends. She was engaged to a man who had no background in God, church, religion, or Christ…but they love each other deeply. Her job at Chrysler was somewhat fulfilling but so far from her home. This was Dana’s world: happy, fulfilled, stable.
On September 24, 2002, Dana’s father sat down to lunch with a friend and then collapsed. He was rushed to ER where it was determined that he had a stroke. He couldn’t walk, could no longer communicate well, and became a shadow of the man he had been. While her father was still in the hospital, Dana had to make a decision: get married without him present or postpone. She and Jeff talked it over and married that November. They didn’t know when he would get better…if he would get better so they moved forward.
In February, the hospital wanted to release her father from the hospital. No one knew where he should live. As scared as she was, Dana stepped up and said, “I’ll take Dad.” She quit her job at Chrysler and turned her dining room into a mini hospital room. She became her father’s caretaker. Weeks went by with Dana trying to help her dad. She spoke to him, took him to the park, fed him and held his hand. He had been her best friend growing up. She couldn’t turn her back on him now. Occasionally, her mother would visit and Lauren would come home from college to help out on the weekends. Mostly, Dana was on her own. She got to the point where she would wake up in the morning, dreading the daylight, crying for her father and for her freedom. She was 27-years-old and newly married. She felt she should be living it up, having the time of her life, hanging out with friends…it wasn’t supposed to be this way. But every morning and every night, Dana’s father would manage to say, “thank you so much for doing this…I’ll never forget you.” It kept her going.
Her father was getting worse. Dana felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. A visit from a friend probably saved her. Dana unloaded all that she was feeling. This friend turned to her and said, “Dana, it isn’t about you. You are figuring out something most people never understand. This world isn’t about you. It is about God and God needs you to help your father.” Dana swallowed her feelings, stood up to the emptiness, and gave her all as her father slipped away. He died a year and an hour to the day he had the stroke: September 24, 2003.
Dana felt some relief because her dad wasn’t suffering anymore but now the emptiness of not having her father made her ache. She knew she needed something else, something that would fulfill her like nothing else could. Something to fill a void. She debated going back to her Catholic church but felt they had turned their back on her when she needed them most. She had attended some Christian church camps in high school but wasn’t really sure where to turn.
Dana started working at Valassis in July of 2004. I already knew Dana but it took awhile for the rest to get to know her well. It wasn’t until she was seated next to Jaime that things really started to change. Jaime, a Christian sista, listened to Dana’s daily stories and could see that she wanted more, needed more. She began to pray for Dana and then one day, while they were talking, I walked over and started blabbing about how cool God is. We encouraged Dana and then Jaime found the right moment to invite her to Genesis Church.
“So far so good,” Dana said. “Even Jeff looks forward to going, though I’m not going to push him. This is a huge step for us.”
Dana took a deep breath at this point in the story. It was a tough one to tell. She laughed and said, “you know, I’m a child development major and here I am making coupons!” Tami and I laughed. “You just don’t know,” she continued, “what you are really capable of until you are faced with it. I never thought I could take care of my father and watch him die but somehow I did it. It’s true. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You just don’t know you can handle it until He gives it to you.” “That’s how we grow, isn’t it?” I asked. She nodded.
It is no accident that Dana works at Valassis. True, her best friend is a supervisor here. Still, it makes so much sense. Dana was trying to find God but she didn’t know what He was like or where He was or how she would recognize Him. So God helped her by placing her in the middle of “Christian-ville” here at Valassis…because He loves her that much. And the void?
“It’s gone,” Dana smiled.
Dana grew up Catholic with mom, dad, and little sister, Lauren. Her parents divorced when Dana was out of high school but the two remained friends. She was engaged to a man who had no background in God, church, religion, or Christ…but they love each other deeply. Her job at Chrysler was somewhat fulfilling but so far from her home. This was Dana’s world: happy, fulfilled, stable.
On September 24, 2002, Dana’s father sat down to lunch with a friend and then collapsed. He was rushed to ER where it was determined that he had a stroke. He couldn’t walk, could no longer communicate well, and became a shadow of the man he had been. While her father was still in the hospital, Dana had to make a decision: get married without him present or postpone. She and Jeff talked it over and married that November. They didn’t know when he would get better…if he would get better so they moved forward.
In February, the hospital wanted to release her father from the hospital. No one knew where he should live. As scared as she was, Dana stepped up and said, “I’ll take Dad.” She quit her job at Chrysler and turned her dining room into a mini hospital room. She became her father’s caretaker. Weeks went by with Dana trying to help her dad. She spoke to him, took him to the park, fed him and held his hand. He had been her best friend growing up. She couldn’t turn her back on him now. Occasionally, her mother would visit and Lauren would come home from college to help out on the weekends. Mostly, Dana was on her own. She got to the point where she would wake up in the morning, dreading the daylight, crying for her father and for her freedom. She was 27-years-old and newly married. She felt she should be living it up, having the time of her life, hanging out with friends…it wasn’t supposed to be this way. But every morning and every night, Dana’s father would manage to say, “thank you so much for doing this…I’ll never forget you.” It kept her going.
Her father was getting worse. Dana felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. A visit from a friend probably saved her. Dana unloaded all that she was feeling. This friend turned to her and said, “Dana, it isn’t about you. You are figuring out something most people never understand. This world isn’t about you. It is about God and God needs you to help your father.” Dana swallowed her feelings, stood up to the emptiness, and gave her all as her father slipped away. He died a year and an hour to the day he had the stroke: September 24, 2003.
Dana felt some relief because her dad wasn’t suffering anymore but now the emptiness of not having her father made her ache. She knew she needed something else, something that would fulfill her like nothing else could. Something to fill a void. She debated going back to her Catholic church but felt they had turned their back on her when she needed them most. She had attended some Christian church camps in high school but wasn’t really sure where to turn.
Dana started working at Valassis in July of 2004. I already knew Dana but it took awhile for the rest to get to know her well. It wasn’t until she was seated next to Jaime that things really started to change. Jaime, a Christian sista, listened to Dana’s daily stories and could see that she wanted more, needed more. She began to pray for Dana and then one day, while they were talking, I walked over and started blabbing about how cool God is. We encouraged Dana and then Jaime found the right moment to invite her to Genesis Church.
“So far so good,” Dana said. “Even Jeff looks forward to going, though I’m not going to push him. This is a huge step for us.”
Dana took a deep breath at this point in the story. It was a tough one to tell. She laughed and said, “you know, I’m a child development major and here I am making coupons!” Tami and I laughed. “You just don’t know,” she continued, “what you are really capable of until you are faced with it. I never thought I could take care of my father and watch him die but somehow I did it. It’s true. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You just don’t know you can handle it until He gives it to you.” “That’s how we grow, isn’t it?” I asked. She nodded.
It is no accident that Dana works at Valassis. True, her best friend is a supervisor here. Still, it makes so much sense. Dana was trying to find God but she didn’t know what He was like or where He was or how she would recognize Him. So God helped her by placing her in the middle of “Christian-ville” here at Valassis…because He loves her that much. And the void?
“It’s gone,” Dana smiled.
Endings
There have been so many high-profile, public deaths lately....Terri, the pope, Jessica...many more. I haven't said much about these stories, at least, on my blog. I will probably be commenting, though, now that the stories have quieted down. Kelly wrote a touching summary of working on the Jessica Lunsford case. Check it out if you get a chance. I may have said it before, but I really think God wants she and Chris down there to help people.
New Mom
I came into work this morning, and there was a fishbowl with a little goldfish inside, sitting on my desk! I gasped, feeling slightly nervous but overall excited. Everyone got them for our new initiative: Fish Philosophy. The Fish Philosophy is "Have Fun! Choose Your Attitude! Make Someone's Day! Be There!" What a great idea...except I'm a worried new mom. My fish wasn't moving much and then he started getting really hyper, freaking out. I think he's having a hard time pooing. Also, I'm constantly wondering if he's bored, sick, upset, constipated, hungry...and I've only had him for half an hour. Amy brought her fish over to play but they do not seem interested in each other. Oh well.
Now I have to come up with a name. I'm trying to decide between Manuel, Maverick, Moses, or Memphis. I guess I'm leaning toward a "M" name. Any thoughts?
Now I have to come up with a name. I'm trying to decide between Manuel, Maverick, Moses, or Memphis. I guess I'm leaning toward a "M" name. Any thoughts?
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
My Early 20s
I met BT my freshman year of college. I vaguely remember the introductions which took place in the Towers (dorms at CMU) but it made more of an impression on him. We both lived in Saxe Hall our Sophomore year and were introduced again. His roommate was a friend of the guy across the hall from my room. BT knocked on my door one night and asked if I wanted to go see Ace Ventura Pet Detective Part 2. Uh…no. It wasn’t just the offer to go see a sucky movie that caused me to say no. I had a boyfriend at the time who was still finishing up high school in Holland. BT moved on to another girl and all was well. We hung out casually in the cafeteria and in his dorm room but nothing about him motivated me to want to date him.
Junior year of college recap: broke up with boyfriend while I was living with 3 guys, joined a sorority to meet new people, signed my major which was broadcasting, proceeded to make friends in the department, got involved in student radio and television, started dating one of my roommates and got a job at the Public Broadcasting station. My new boyfriend was 22 and I would go to the bar with him. Of course, I had a big huge “X” on my hand indicating I was underage but I still went with him. BT was at the bar one night. He had a fake ID and asked if I wanted a drink. I laughed, explaining I was with someone and no, I couldn’t drink. Something about BT was different that night. He was flirty and bold. His risk taking made an impression on me.
The second semester of my senior year—I was heartbroken and depressed. I had to find a job soon as graduation was right around the corner. My boyfriend and I had broken up but the new guy I had fallen for wanted nothing to do with me. BT walked in the bar as I sat there with a friend. He pulled up a stool next to mine and we talked all night. He asked me out to dinner and I finally said yes. It only took me all of college to say do it.
I was really unsure about this guy at first but his confidence was charming. He planned dinners for us and liked to surprise me. For the first time, I was in a real relationship. We didn’t fight. We liked to be together. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. It was an awesome time in my life. He was Lebanese and catholic. The whole thing amazed me.
After graduation, he went back to his parent’s house in Novi and started working for a recruiting company. I went back to Lansing working at meaningless jobs trying to save money. We visited each other every other weekend. When a company in Southfield, MI offered me a job, I jumped at the chance. It didn’t matter that they paid me in dirt. It didn’t matter that my office was behind the filing cabinets. It didn’t matter that they didn’t even give me a computer. It didn’t matter that I had to live with my sorority sister’s parents. None of this mattered because I was closer to BT.
We had a rocky first year. I moved into my own apartment about three miles from his parent’s house. We saw each other quite a bit and tension started to work its way into our relationship. We hit our one year mark and BT broke up with me. He said it was all getting too serious for him. I was devastated and tried to accept it. A month past and just as I was starting to pick myself up, he came back.
We fought more than we used to which may have led to the second breakup, a year after the first one. Same story: I was devastated, he just wanted space and we ended up at a party together…and leaving together. By the summer of 2000, it seemed we were going to be okay. But then there was the bachelor party in Vegas…and I just couldn’t handle the stories circulating among our friends. Third time—breakup. This time, I wasn’t so heartbroken. At first, I was but after a couple of weeks, I was out on the town with a new set of friends. My old set of friends and I actually became stronger friends, too. I got ambitious. I quit my job and got a new one at Ford. Things were looking awesome for me…and of course that attracted BT. He missed me but when he tried to come back this time, I had some conditions: we were going to stay together no matter what. If he didn’t think he was going to marry me, I wanted him gone. For the first time, BT said he did want to marry me and we talked about a two year plan. I was giddy.
BT bought a house in Berkley, about 25 minutes away from my apartment. My lease was up so I moved to Ferndale, right down the road from him. This was the golden era of our relationship. We both had the things we liked to do separately and the stuff we had together. For the most part, I was his wife…most likely in God’s eyes. He and his friends started a band. I was their manager. We had so much fun…but there was a lot of selfishness in both of us.
During the spring and summer of 2001, I felt a tug at my heart. I wanted to find a church for us because I wasn’t sure I could go to the Catholic Church his parents’ went to. I started researching different religions and we discussed them. He was finally open to finding a church we both liked…but I was pretty much on my own for doing the leg-work. I remember making a resolution at the beginning of 2002. I wanted to go to a different church each Sunday until I found one I liked. I think September 11th furthered the need to have God in my life. I went to one. Just one church. It was a Universal church and the lady taught about Christ, Buddha and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t understand. Here is the scary part: I liked it. But BT would not go with me the following weekend. God in action J I went to a Pentecostal church with my co-worker. I mostly liked it…well, just the message. I bought a tape of the sermon and played it for BT the same day. He liked it, too but I noticed he was dragging his feet. He didn’t want to give up the Arabic speaking Catholic church.
We talked about moving in together when my lease was up in the fall of 2002. I moved a bunch of my stuff into his house and we set up a budget of who would pay what. I was excited for this next, big move. I spent less and less time in my apartment and pretty much lived with BT. But I found myself increasingly alone. BT was working some odd jobs and was obsessed with making a million…or at least a lot of money. His family was successful and he saw success as having a lot of cash. But I wanted heart…more than he was willing to give.
For some weird reason, I was listening to Dr. Laura a lot at that time. She was changing my views. She was urging me not to be a “shack-up hunny.” Somehow, it all started coming undone in May 2002. BT went to stay in Lebanon for a month. I was relieved. It gave me time to think. I found myself picking up apartment guides and researching new jobs. I took a leap and applied to a coupon making company. I wanted something else. I wanted more. I remember praying hard at that time, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “God, please help me figure this out. Am I supposed to be with him?”
BT came back from Lebanon. He was different. He seemed anti-American and more driven to make money. We had heated arguments. I was demanding. He was independent. I spent more time at my apartment. We wouldn’t speak for a few days at a time. But I also got the job at Val which was 20 minutes away in Livonia. The new job boosted my self-esteem. I made a bold move to Novi in September 2002. God was answering my prayers but I didn’t know it because I didn’t know Him.
BT and I continued our downward slide but God had plans for both of us and it was going to be a little painful but we were going to turn out better than before.
Junior year of college recap: broke up with boyfriend while I was living with 3 guys, joined a sorority to meet new people, signed my major which was broadcasting, proceeded to make friends in the department, got involved in student radio and television, started dating one of my roommates and got a job at the Public Broadcasting station. My new boyfriend was 22 and I would go to the bar with him. Of course, I had a big huge “X” on my hand indicating I was underage but I still went with him. BT was at the bar one night. He had a fake ID and asked if I wanted a drink. I laughed, explaining I was with someone and no, I couldn’t drink. Something about BT was different that night. He was flirty and bold. His risk taking made an impression on me.
The second semester of my senior year—I was heartbroken and depressed. I had to find a job soon as graduation was right around the corner. My boyfriend and I had broken up but the new guy I had fallen for wanted nothing to do with me. BT walked in the bar as I sat there with a friend. He pulled up a stool next to mine and we talked all night. He asked me out to dinner and I finally said yes. It only took me all of college to say do it.
I was really unsure about this guy at first but his confidence was charming. He planned dinners for us and liked to surprise me. For the first time, I was in a real relationship. We didn’t fight. We liked to be together. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. It was an awesome time in my life. He was Lebanese and catholic. The whole thing amazed me.
After graduation, he went back to his parent’s house in Novi and started working for a recruiting company. I went back to Lansing working at meaningless jobs trying to save money. We visited each other every other weekend. When a company in Southfield, MI offered me a job, I jumped at the chance. It didn’t matter that they paid me in dirt. It didn’t matter that my office was behind the filing cabinets. It didn’t matter that they didn’t even give me a computer. It didn’t matter that I had to live with my sorority sister’s parents. None of this mattered because I was closer to BT.
We had a rocky first year. I moved into my own apartment about three miles from his parent’s house. We saw each other quite a bit and tension started to work its way into our relationship. We hit our one year mark and BT broke up with me. He said it was all getting too serious for him. I was devastated and tried to accept it. A month past and just as I was starting to pick myself up, he came back.
We fought more than we used to which may have led to the second breakup, a year after the first one. Same story: I was devastated, he just wanted space and we ended up at a party together…and leaving together. By the summer of 2000, it seemed we were going to be okay. But then there was the bachelor party in Vegas…and I just couldn’t handle the stories circulating among our friends. Third time—breakup. This time, I wasn’t so heartbroken. At first, I was but after a couple of weeks, I was out on the town with a new set of friends. My old set of friends and I actually became stronger friends, too. I got ambitious. I quit my job and got a new one at Ford. Things were looking awesome for me…and of course that attracted BT. He missed me but when he tried to come back this time, I had some conditions: we were going to stay together no matter what. If he didn’t think he was going to marry me, I wanted him gone. For the first time, BT said he did want to marry me and we talked about a two year plan. I was giddy.
BT bought a house in Berkley, about 25 minutes away from my apartment. My lease was up so I moved to Ferndale, right down the road from him. This was the golden era of our relationship. We both had the things we liked to do separately and the stuff we had together. For the most part, I was his wife…most likely in God’s eyes. He and his friends started a band. I was their manager. We had so much fun…but there was a lot of selfishness in both of us.
During the spring and summer of 2001, I felt a tug at my heart. I wanted to find a church for us because I wasn’t sure I could go to the Catholic Church his parents’ went to. I started researching different religions and we discussed them. He was finally open to finding a church we both liked…but I was pretty much on my own for doing the leg-work. I remember making a resolution at the beginning of 2002. I wanted to go to a different church each Sunday until I found one I liked. I think September 11th furthered the need to have God in my life. I went to one. Just one church. It was a Universal church and the lady taught about Christ, Buddha and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t understand. Here is the scary part: I liked it. But BT would not go with me the following weekend. God in action J I went to a Pentecostal church with my co-worker. I mostly liked it…well, just the message. I bought a tape of the sermon and played it for BT the same day. He liked it, too but I noticed he was dragging his feet. He didn’t want to give up the Arabic speaking Catholic church.
We talked about moving in together when my lease was up in the fall of 2002. I moved a bunch of my stuff into his house and we set up a budget of who would pay what. I was excited for this next, big move. I spent less and less time in my apartment and pretty much lived with BT. But I found myself increasingly alone. BT was working some odd jobs and was obsessed with making a million…or at least a lot of money. His family was successful and he saw success as having a lot of cash. But I wanted heart…more than he was willing to give.
For some weird reason, I was listening to Dr. Laura a lot at that time. She was changing my views. She was urging me not to be a “shack-up hunny.” Somehow, it all started coming undone in May 2002. BT went to stay in Lebanon for a month. I was relieved. It gave me time to think. I found myself picking up apartment guides and researching new jobs. I took a leap and applied to a coupon making company. I wanted something else. I wanted more. I remember praying hard at that time, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “God, please help me figure this out. Am I supposed to be with him?”
BT came back from Lebanon. He was different. He seemed anti-American and more driven to make money. We had heated arguments. I was demanding. He was independent. I spent more time at my apartment. We wouldn’t speak for a few days at a time. But I also got the job at Val which was 20 minutes away in Livonia. The new job boosted my self-esteem. I made a bold move to Novi in September 2002. God was answering my prayers but I didn’t know it because I didn’t know Him.
BT and I continued our downward slide but God had plans for both of us and it was going to be a little painful but we were going to turn out better than before.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
I wrote the Growing Pains blog a few days ago. It didn’t publish for some reason. Since then, I’ve been going back and listening to some old Riv CDs. I feel better now. Less judgmental. More calm. I’ve been thinking about the following: When asked about your faith, answer with gentleness and respect, keep a clear conscience. Be still and quit trying to be God. Power under control.
Now then....I'm picking up my nephew for a fun weekend where we will play video games, watch movies, play poker, and just feel free.
Now then....I'm picking up my nephew for a fun weekend where we will play video games, watch movies, play poker, and just feel free.
I Want It! I Want It!
If you believe hard enough, if you pray hard enough, if you have faith hard enough….your prayers will be answered.
Is God a genie in a bottle?
I used to ask my parents for stuff all the time. “Yo, Dad. Can I have this doll that wets itself and is anatomically correct?” “Mom, I want four new Pound Puppies for my birthday.” “Pops, will you buy candy bars for my entire class and drive an hour and a half to Olivet, Michigan to deliver them?” A spoiled child would have received all of these requests. Yes, me, the spoiled child. My parents had guilt because of the divorce and because they didn’t get to see me a lot. Mom worked in Lansing and we lived 40 minutes away. I only saw my dad every other weekend. Still, there were thousands of things I asked for that I didn’t receive. Did I get angry? Yes. Did I think they didn’t really love me? Yes. Did I forget about it 10 minutes later? Depends. My point? They knew what was best for me. They did not always say yes, yet they still welcomed my requests and yes, I knew they loved me even when they said no.
How much more does our heavenly Father love us? Whoa. I couldn’t begin to tell because I cannot comprehend.
As a Christ Follower, do I sometimes think all of my prayers will be answered? Sometimes…yes. Sometimes I still feel like a bratty, spoiled, little girl. Do I know that just because God doesn’t answer prayers doesn’t mean he is uncaring? Yes. God welcomes our requests but sometimes we ask for things that just will not be granted…maybe they will 30 years from now…maybe never. But please, keep on praying and even more, keep on praying for God’s will, not your own
Is God a genie in a bottle?
I used to ask my parents for stuff all the time. “Yo, Dad. Can I have this doll that wets itself and is anatomically correct?” “Mom, I want four new Pound Puppies for my birthday.” “Pops, will you buy candy bars for my entire class and drive an hour and a half to Olivet, Michigan to deliver them?” A spoiled child would have received all of these requests. Yes, me, the spoiled child. My parents had guilt because of the divorce and because they didn’t get to see me a lot. Mom worked in Lansing and we lived 40 minutes away. I only saw my dad every other weekend. Still, there were thousands of things I asked for that I didn’t receive. Did I get angry? Yes. Did I think they didn’t really love me? Yes. Did I forget about it 10 minutes later? Depends. My point? They knew what was best for me. They did not always say yes, yet they still welcomed my requests and yes, I knew they loved me even when they said no.
How much more does our heavenly Father love us? Whoa. I couldn’t begin to tell because I cannot comprehend.
As a Christ Follower, do I sometimes think all of my prayers will be answered? Sometimes…yes. Sometimes I still feel like a bratty, spoiled, little girl. Do I know that just because God doesn’t answer prayers doesn’t mean he is uncaring? Yes. God welcomes our requests but sometimes we ask for things that just will not be granted…maybe they will 30 years from now…maybe never. But please, keep on praying and even more, keep on praying for God’s will, not your own
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Growing Pains (Not the TV show)
I see it happening. I’m going through a righteous phase. This is where I become overly opinionated and everyone should think like me.
I’m a bright, yellow Hummer with road rage, passing people by, taking up the whole road, causing fellow drivers to give me the lone finger or (gasp) a swear. I see a group of people on the side of the road. I pull over, quickly throw them into the truck and peel out while they scream, “what are you doing? We don’t want to follow you, you mad person!” Yes, I see me as this person right now, steam rolling those who oppose me. Telling them their way isn’t right or acting like I agree when in my heart I’m crying out, “fool! You don’t need all of that! Simply follow the Lord!” I’m making myself a little sick. I know I need to be….well…the Stormy Grey Saturn Ion 3 with a MP3 player and sunroof that I am. Resolute yet yielding to others, listening to others, being kind to my fellow drivers, explaining my beliefs and agreeing to respectfully disagree.
What has made me this way? Surrounded by pre-Christians, non-Christians and atheists at work, I hear things. God works His way into my conversations—not always by my will. I try to take the time to listen to people’s perspective...but sometimes I only want to push my own agenda. Ooooh, that really wins people over. Still, people see something in me that makes them ask questions. And I have ways of prompting them....
I keep various conversation starters up in my cube: the Jesus figure with gliding action, my Riverview water bottle, various little quotes from the bible, pictures of Jimmy Buffett, a picture of my little boy, and a book called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Catholicism” sits on my desk (thanks, Sonny). This is the best conversation starter. People say, “this is hilarious? Why do you have it?” I ask, “Are you Catholic?” Most times they respond, “yes.” And then I say, “I have it for you.” I work with a lot of jokers so I usually tailor my answer but the bottom line is that I have the book to help explain why things are done in the Catholic church…because most of the Catholics I work with don’t know why…they just do it. For example, a guy I work with was thumbing through the book and said, “I didn’t know that New Year’s Day was a day of holy obligation!” I asked, “what is a day of holy obligation?” “A day you have to go to church.” “Did you go?” I asked. “welllllllll….we don’t get to church much. We just don’t have the time.” See. That is what I would want to change.
I went from dreading church to looking forward to it. The things I learn, the people I’ve met, helping kids understand…it is something I need to help get me through the rest of the week. Why can’t all people experience this? Time would disappear if they went to a church they liked. It wouldn’t be a “holy day of obligation.” Really, though, I’m judging people and I shouldn’t be doing this. Oh, and I’m not disapproving of the Catholic church. I only have my opinion from being exposed to it. I guess I want to spread my excitement. I want everyone to be on fire for God. I’m sure there is a high rate of this “excitement spreading” from new believers. I just don’t want people to miss out.
I’m sure this is all part of my growth process…a growing pain if you will.
I’m a bright, yellow Hummer with road rage, passing people by, taking up the whole road, causing fellow drivers to give me the lone finger or (gasp) a swear. I see a group of people on the side of the road. I pull over, quickly throw them into the truck and peel out while they scream, “what are you doing? We don’t want to follow you, you mad person!” Yes, I see me as this person right now, steam rolling those who oppose me. Telling them their way isn’t right or acting like I agree when in my heart I’m crying out, “fool! You don’t need all of that! Simply follow the Lord!” I’m making myself a little sick. I know I need to be….well…the Stormy Grey Saturn Ion 3 with a MP3 player and sunroof that I am. Resolute yet yielding to others, listening to others, being kind to my fellow drivers, explaining my beliefs and agreeing to respectfully disagree.
What has made me this way? Surrounded by pre-Christians, non-Christians and atheists at work, I hear things. God works His way into my conversations—not always by my will. I try to take the time to listen to people’s perspective...but sometimes I only want to push my own agenda. Ooooh, that really wins people over. Still, people see something in me that makes them ask questions. And I have ways of prompting them....
I keep various conversation starters up in my cube: the Jesus figure with gliding action, my Riverview water bottle, various little quotes from the bible, pictures of Jimmy Buffett, a picture of my little boy, and a book called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Catholicism” sits on my desk (thanks, Sonny). This is the best conversation starter. People say, “this is hilarious? Why do you have it?” I ask, “Are you Catholic?” Most times they respond, “yes.” And then I say, “I have it for you.” I work with a lot of jokers so I usually tailor my answer but the bottom line is that I have the book to help explain why things are done in the Catholic church…because most of the Catholics I work with don’t know why…they just do it. For example, a guy I work with was thumbing through the book and said, “I didn’t know that New Year’s Day was a day of holy obligation!” I asked, “what is a day of holy obligation?” “A day you have to go to church.” “Did you go?” I asked. “welllllllll….we don’t get to church much. We just don’t have the time.” See. That is what I would want to change.
I went from dreading church to looking forward to it. The things I learn, the people I’ve met, helping kids understand…it is something I need to help get me through the rest of the week. Why can’t all people experience this? Time would disappear if they went to a church they liked. It wouldn’t be a “holy day of obligation.” Really, though, I’m judging people and I shouldn’t be doing this. Oh, and I’m not disapproving of the Catholic church. I only have my opinion from being exposed to it. I guess I want to spread my excitement. I want everyone to be on fire for God. I’m sure there is a high rate of this “excitement spreading” from new believers. I just don’t want people to miss out.
I’m sure this is all part of my growth process…a growing pain if you will.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Riverview
Okay, so I don't have the best church ever...but I secretly think so on a personal level. I just love it and when I saw these pictures, I got a little emotional. True, many were there to fulfill their Easter Sunday Church requirement, but this is the biggest Easter service I've seen so far and a lot of people are sticking around...and getting saved.
Easter Dinner-Blah
My little chat with the parents did not go well. I was nervous and it showed. I didn’t feel confident, didn’t sound confident, and came across unsure of myself. It sucked. I came right out and asked them during dinner: would you come to see me get baptized….again. Yes, I threw in the “again” to soften the blow. They both kind of looked at me, looked at each other, looked down at their plates and then…silence. So I tried to fill the silence with a bunch of babble. Then, my step-mom said…
Step: Weren’t you already baptized?
Pops: Yes, she was…in the Methodist church.
Step: What makes you think that one didn’t take?
Me: (not very smoothly) Uhhhh…well…I’m an adult now and I didn’t really have a choice or know what was going on when I was 6-months-old so I would like to do it now as an adult. I want to say it with my heart and accept it with my mouth. I mean, say it with my mouth and accept it in my heart.
(Silence while they traded looks with each other.)
Me: I’ve been doing all of this now for two years…going to Riverview, following Christ. This isn’t some sort of passing thing. This isn’t a phase.
Pops: See, that is what bothers me…the word “follow”. Who are you following? You know, you have to be careful because a lot of people thought they were following God when they were really following Jim Jones. These people get all whacked out and walk into their new wave churches and shoot everyone.
Me: Dad, someone could walk into Christine’s Catholic church and shoot up everyone. Someone could walk into the local high school and shoot up everyone. Please.
Pops: You’re right, you’re right.
Step: What denomination is this again?
Me: We don’t wear name tags.
(Crickets chirping.)
Me: Non-denominational. My pastors teach from the bible and relate it to our lives. They don’t want to add all of the religiousy things to the message. They are trying to change the context but not the content in order to reach the teens and twenty-somethings, the ones who are falling off the radar and not going to church at all.
Step: First of all, you have to be careful when someone says they are teaching from the bible. They can take things out of context and get you to follow their own agenda by using the bible. Second, you have to be careful with the bible. It is full of contradictions. The problem with religion today is that you have all of these churches springing up which are loosely based on Christianity and all these churches do is teach hate: hate women, hate homosexuals, hate non-Christians. And if your pastors are saying that other religions are bad, then…Blah blah blah blah….
I tuned her out at that point. I felt so hopeless. I knew she was wrong but I have never had the heart to go toe to toe with the woman. She is so opinionated and judgmental to the outside world. The Catholic church is perfect in her eyes and the one true religion. She pushes a lot of people away with that superior attitude and has hurt a lot of her close friends and family...including my sister and I. I would be lying if I said “at least I didn’t cry.” I felt defeated. She was asking me questions about my pastors. What are their qualifications? Did any of them major in theology? I couldn’t answer her. She crushed me.
My dad (not nearly as harsh and opinionated) said, “Holly, of course we’ll go to the baptism. We’ll support you.”
Step: Of course we will, Holly. Even if we don’t agree we will support your decisions. You’re an adult and can make up your own mind.
I started thinking about all of this last night and on the way to work this morning. I was playing the old mind game “Why didn’t I say this. Why didn’t I fight that.” Everything became clear after a good sleep. I almost sat up in bed and said, “Hey, wait a minute!” The whole line about supporting me even if they don’t agree…do I really even want them there now? I so wanted them to see Riverview with their own eyes. I wanted them to meet the pastors and somehow know that they don’t teach hate, they don’t push their own agendas. I also wanted them to know how the leaders have stood up and said, “do not hate other denominations or even bad-mouth them because they are the bride of Christ and this is not the perfect church…we will take stands on things we shouldn’t or do nothing when we should have done something…but we will always go to the bible for guidance.” I tried to tell her about the hate series and how we don’t go to abortion clinics to picket. I wanted to tell her how the bible does not contradict itself but explains itself when you read the whole thing.
I didn’t choose this battle. I walked in without my ammunition or my armor. I was unprepared and all of it fell on deaf ears. Now, I find myself second-guessing. I know it is so much more difficult to talk to the people who have known you forever about this stuff than discussing it with a total stranger…but does God really want to send me to Germany? Will I do a better job if and when I am asked about my Christian faith? I need to take a step back and take everything in again. Listen to the messages, review the notes, remember that I do know but just need the confidence or something. And what about my parents? I know this is bratty, but I don’t think I’ll mention the baptism to them again. If they ask when it is, I’ll tell them and give them all the info they would need, but for now, I just don’t need it. What I need to do is focus on why I am getting baptized and dispel any seeds of doubt my parents might have planted.
I don’t want to be a fake. I don’t want to just be a Christian around my Christian friends and at church. I want to be a Christian to all my friends, all of my family and at work. So far, I’ve done okay in integrating, but dad and step-mom are the last frontier.
“Love your enemies…and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” Matthew 5:44
PS: Go State
Step: Weren’t you already baptized?
Pops: Yes, she was…in the Methodist church.
Step: What makes you think that one didn’t take?
Me: (not very smoothly) Uhhhh…well…I’m an adult now and I didn’t really have a choice or know what was going on when I was 6-months-old so I would like to do it now as an adult. I want to say it with my heart and accept it with my mouth. I mean, say it with my mouth and accept it in my heart.
(Silence while they traded looks with each other.)
Me: I’ve been doing all of this now for two years…going to Riverview, following Christ. This isn’t some sort of passing thing. This isn’t a phase.
Pops: See, that is what bothers me…the word “follow”. Who are you following? You know, you have to be careful because a lot of people thought they were following God when they were really following Jim Jones. These people get all whacked out and walk into their new wave churches and shoot everyone.
Me: Dad, someone could walk into Christine’s Catholic church and shoot up everyone. Someone could walk into the local high school and shoot up everyone. Please.
Pops: You’re right, you’re right.
Step: What denomination is this again?
Me: We don’t wear name tags.
(Crickets chirping.)
Me: Non-denominational. My pastors teach from the bible and relate it to our lives. They don’t want to add all of the religiousy things to the message. They are trying to change the context but not the content in order to reach the teens and twenty-somethings, the ones who are falling off the radar and not going to church at all.
Step: First of all, you have to be careful when someone says they are teaching from the bible. They can take things out of context and get you to follow their own agenda by using the bible. Second, you have to be careful with the bible. It is full of contradictions. The problem with religion today is that you have all of these churches springing up which are loosely based on Christianity and all these churches do is teach hate: hate women, hate homosexuals, hate non-Christians. And if your pastors are saying that other religions are bad, then…Blah blah blah blah….
I tuned her out at that point. I felt so hopeless. I knew she was wrong but I have never had the heart to go toe to toe with the woman. She is so opinionated and judgmental to the outside world. The Catholic church is perfect in her eyes and the one true religion. She pushes a lot of people away with that superior attitude and has hurt a lot of her close friends and family...including my sister and I. I would be lying if I said “at least I didn’t cry.” I felt defeated. She was asking me questions about my pastors. What are their qualifications? Did any of them major in theology? I couldn’t answer her. She crushed me.
My dad (not nearly as harsh and opinionated) said, “Holly, of course we’ll go to the baptism. We’ll support you.”
Step: Of course we will, Holly. Even if we don’t agree we will support your decisions. You’re an adult and can make up your own mind.
I started thinking about all of this last night and on the way to work this morning. I was playing the old mind game “Why didn’t I say this. Why didn’t I fight that.” Everything became clear after a good sleep. I almost sat up in bed and said, “Hey, wait a minute!” The whole line about supporting me even if they don’t agree…do I really even want them there now? I so wanted them to see Riverview with their own eyes. I wanted them to meet the pastors and somehow know that they don’t teach hate, they don’t push their own agendas. I also wanted them to know how the leaders have stood up and said, “do not hate other denominations or even bad-mouth them because they are the bride of Christ and this is not the perfect church…we will take stands on things we shouldn’t or do nothing when we should have done something…but we will always go to the bible for guidance.” I tried to tell her about the hate series and how we don’t go to abortion clinics to picket. I wanted to tell her how the bible does not contradict itself but explains itself when you read the whole thing.
I didn’t choose this battle. I walked in without my ammunition or my armor. I was unprepared and all of it fell on deaf ears. Now, I find myself second-guessing. I know it is so much more difficult to talk to the people who have known you forever about this stuff than discussing it with a total stranger…but does God really want to send me to Germany? Will I do a better job if and when I am asked about my Christian faith? I need to take a step back and take everything in again. Listen to the messages, review the notes, remember that I do know but just need the confidence or something. And what about my parents? I know this is bratty, but I don’t think I’ll mention the baptism to them again. If they ask when it is, I’ll tell them and give them all the info they would need, but for now, I just don’t need it. What I need to do is focus on why I am getting baptized and dispel any seeds of doubt my parents might have planted.
I don’t want to be a fake. I don’t want to just be a Christian around my Christian friends and at church. I want to be a Christian to all my friends, all of my family and at work. So far, I’ve done okay in integrating, but dad and step-mom are the last frontier.
“Love your enemies…and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” Matthew 5:44
PS: Go State
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Advice
So, I need some advice. I'm going to my dad's for Easter weekend. I think I'm going to ask him to come to the baptism...but I'm a little scared. For some reason, I think he'll flip or my step-mom will flip or something. My dad thinks we are a cult. My step-mom is a devout Catholic who also thinks I'm in a cult. This would be the perfect opportunity for them to see my church and witness this important event and decision in my life. I can't keep hiding it from them. Why DO I keep hiding it from them? I'm not sure how I should ask them both to come. I think I fear rejection but I won't let rejection stop me...I'm just a little nervous. Thoughts on how to bring this up?
Monday, March 21, 2005
Dino's Food Fixation
I helped my step-dad start his own blog called Dino's Food Fixation. After I signed him up, he said, "Wow. I have a blog. I don't feel any different."
I don't know if he'll update it but I'm trying to encourage him. Want to help?
I don't know if he'll update it but I'm trying to encourage him. Want to help?
Teacher?
Yesterday, Riverview rocked. Let me start over. Yesterday, God rocked. This is what He did to me.
I started helping out with RivKids in November. All I'm supposed to do is assist the teacher. I play with the kids, help with snacks, and do potty breaks, leaving the lesson up to the teacher. Yesterday, Missy informed me of the following: Holly, the teacher isn't coming in. Can you handle the class or would you like help.
I felt this slightly nervous excitement. Four girls and one boy were in the room. I told her I could handle it. Wow. I was the teacher.
We went to big group and watched a video about the disciples. They were played by teenage boys and the acting was really intense. It held my kids attention the entire time. One little girl said, "Teacher, Jesus died...but how did he come back to life?"
Are you kidding me? This little person was coming to me for answers. I promised her we would talk about it when we went back to the classroom. Upon our return, we discovered Kaitlyn was going to join us as well. Normally, Kaitlyn wants to do her own thing and not participate. This day was different. She sat at the table, colored, join in on all of our conversations. And the kids were answering the study questions! They hardly ever do! I asked the kids what they would say to Jesus if he walked into the room. The answers were I love you and I miss you. We talked about their favorite movies, food, Easter memories and some other bible stories. After our snack, we played Duck, Duck, Goose and London Bridge. Everyone participated.
It was such an awesome feeling to teach and have those shiny little faces understand. I wonder if that is how Noel, Steve and Mark feel when they are teaching us.
After class, Missy's assistant gave me an Easter egg and congratulated me on my first day as a teacher. She complimented me and said it looked like I had everything under control. I smiled and said, "I can't take all the credit. God is in control."
Would I want to do this full time? I don't know. I might not like it as much if it were all the time. Perhaps there is a seed being planted. Perhaps not.
I started helping out with RivKids in November. All I'm supposed to do is assist the teacher. I play with the kids, help with snacks, and do potty breaks, leaving the lesson up to the teacher. Yesterday, Missy informed me of the following: Holly, the teacher isn't coming in. Can you handle the class or would you like help.
I felt this slightly nervous excitement. Four girls and one boy were in the room. I told her I could handle it. Wow. I was the teacher.
We went to big group and watched a video about the disciples. They were played by teenage boys and the acting was really intense. It held my kids attention the entire time. One little girl said, "Teacher, Jesus died...but how did he come back to life?"
Are you kidding me? This little person was coming to me for answers. I promised her we would talk about it when we went back to the classroom. Upon our return, we discovered Kaitlyn was going to join us as well. Normally, Kaitlyn wants to do her own thing and not participate. This day was different. She sat at the table, colored, join in on all of our conversations. And the kids were answering the study questions! They hardly ever do! I asked the kids what they would say to Jesus if he walked into the room. The answers were I love you and I miss you. We talked about their favorite movies, food, Easter memories and some other bible stories. After our snack, we played Duck, Duck, Goose and London Bridge. Everyone participated.
It was such an awesome feeling to teach and have those shiny little faces understand. I wonder if that is how Noel, Steve and Mark feel when they are teaching us.
After class, Missy's assistant gave me an Easter egg and congratulated me on my first day as a teacher. She complimented me and said it looked like I had everything under control. I smiled and said, "I can't take all the credit. God is in control."
Would I want to do this full time? I don't know. I might not like it as much if it were all the time. Perhaps there is a seed being planted. Perhaps not.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Take My Hand And Walk
I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
Yyou wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
Wih a child-like heart
Simply put your hope in Me
Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk
Don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me
Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk...
Just like a child holding daddy's hand
don't let go of Mine you know you can't stand on your own
Take My hand and walk where I lead
YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE
Hebrews 11
The Kry
We woke up to a sad morning and the end of a crazy week. They found Jessica and it confirmed everyone's worst fears. She suffers no more. One of the local car accidents happened on my dad's road. It missed my step-mom by a half hour. She would have been leaving for work. Kelly's mom starts chemo. Fawn and Chad's grandpa died so my mom and I went to the funeral home last night. My sister had what her doctor thinks was an asthma attack, one day before the anniversary of Simeon's death. Today is that day. And Terri Schiavo waits to die without her feeding tube.
What a crazy, sad world. But we continue to find things to be happy about, laugh at, and joy in. And like the song above says, but your hope and faith in God. His promises are coming.
The Spartans won...that makes me smile.
I know there are times
Your dreams turn to dust
Yyou wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much
Give Me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
Wih a child-like heart
Simply put your hope in Me
Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk
Don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
Wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
You don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me
Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
Take My hand and walk...
Just like a child holding daddy's hand
don't let go of Mine you know you can't stand on your own
Take My hand and walk where I lead
YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE
Hebrews 11
The Kry
We woke up to a sad morning and the end of a crazy week. They found Jessica and it confirmed everyone's worst fears. She suffers no more. One of the local car accidents happened on my dad's road. It missed my step-mom by a half hour. She would have been leaving for work. Kelly's mom starts chemo. Fawn and Chad's grandpa died so my mom and I went to the funeral home last night. My sister had what her doctor thinks was an asthma attack, one day before the anniversary of Simeon's death. Today is that day. And Terri Schiavo waits to die without her feeding tube.
What a crazy, sad world. But we continue to find things to be happy about, laugh at, and joy in. And like the song above says, but your hope and faith in God. His promises are coming.
The Spartans won...that makes me smile.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Not the real deal
I was driving into work this morning, grooving along to "Who's Johnny" by El Debarge, when I noticed a mini van with a picture taped to the back window. The picture was of a young woman and underneath--the explanation: my daughter was killed by a drunk driver.
I felt a small pain of sadness but it quickly faded as "When I Look Into Your Eyes" by Lifehouse blasted from my speakers. We learned about death last Sunday, that it isn't the end, only the beginning. After hearing the teaching, I turned to Joey and said, "I'm still scared to die. This didn't help." But like so many other things I learn, it is only until later do I get it.
I feel sad for the young woman's family but I do not feel sad for her. For all I know, she is in paradise. Down here...we are in the trenches. I kind of feel sad for us, not those who get to be with God and I will never understand the immensity until I go. The part that sucks is that so many suffer before they die. Then again, so many suffer their whole lives. NO MORE SUFFERING AFTER WE DIE!!! Whoo-hoo! AND we get to hang out with God and JC. I wonder if They listen to 1980s music...
Let us acknowledge the Lord...
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us
like the winter rains,
like the spring rains
that water the earth.
Hosea 6:3
I felt a small pain of sadness but it quickly faded as "When I Look Into Your Eyes" by Lifehouse blasted from my speakers. We learned about death last Sunday, that it isn't the end, only the beginning. After hearing the teaching, I turned to Joey and said, "I'm still scared to die. This didn't help." But like so many other things I learn, it is only until later do I get it.
I feel sad for the young woman's family but I do not feel sad for her. For all I know, she is in paradise. Down here...we are in the trenches. I kind of feel sad for us, not those who get to be with God and I will never understand the immensity until I go. The part that sucks is that so many suffer before they die. Then again, so many suffer their whole lives. NO MORE SUFFERING AFTER WE DIE!!! Whoo-hoo! AND we get to hang out with God and JC. I wonder if They listen to 1980s music...
Let us acknowledge the Lord...
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us
like the winter rains,
like the spring rains
that water the earth.
Hosea 6:3
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Clarification
I wanted to clarify some questions I've been receiving about Simeon. I knew when I posted the picture of him with a cigarette hanging out of this mouth and then explained how he died, people would think it all made sense. Why would he smoke if he had severe asthma? I'm not sure when that picture was taken of Sim. I would have to guess a couple years ago. I got it from this site.
Simeon was diagnosed with asthma in January, a month and a half before he died. Treating his asthma was new to him. The tragedy was that Sim could have learned to live with it but it came on too fast and too strong one Friday afternoon. They had to get a special prescription filled and somehow, the pharmacy called it into the wrong store. The bottom line is that when Stevie went to pick up the prescription, it wasn't there. This added more time to the whole damn thing and by the time she finally got back to Sim, well...yeah...
Smoking makes me angry. It upsets me because people can quit. However, it is a tough habit to break. Many of my closest friends smoke. I have never had even one. Who am I to really judge, though? What does it matter when someone gets lung cancer or dies? I just can't have the attitude of "it serves them right" or "they should have known better."
Now for another clarification. Why do I care so much and post so much about someone I meant once? Because after Simeon died, I grieved for him every day because Ben was with me every day. I was one of the people who listened to him, cried with him, read from the bible with him, prayed with him...almost every single day for months after. Simeon's death changed my life. It really made me stretch my understanding of death, loss, mourning. My role as a friend bordered one of a grief counselor because there was no way I was going to let Ben go through it totally alone. Ben's family was in Kalamazoo, Atlanta, the east coast and his girlfriend lived in Cincinnati. Ben had us.
I really had no business trying to help him. I was way out of my realm and comfort zone. It affected me in many ways, positive and negative. But that's what you do for the people you love. Sometimes you suck it up and pretend you can handle all of it. You hang on to the truth that God will not give us more than we can handle. And really, what do I have to complain about? I didn't lose a member of my family. I didn't even lose a friend. I never felt like that, though.
I guess I just wanted to explain. I always feel like I need to explain myself. There it is....
Simeon was diagnosed with asthma in January, a month and a half before he died. Treating his asthma was new to him. The tragedy was that Sim could have learned to live with it but it came on too fast and too strong one Friday afternoon. They had to get a special prescription filled and somehow, the pharmacy called it into the wrong store. The bottom line is that when Stevie went to pick up the prescription, it wasn't there. This added more time to the whole damn thing and by the time she finally got back to Sim, well...yeah...
Smoking makes me angry. It upsets me because people can quit. However, it is a tough habit to break. Many of my closest friends smoke. I have never had even one. Who am I to really judge, though? What does it matter when someone gets lung cancer or dies? I just can't have the attitude of "it serves them right" or "they should have known better."
Now for another clarification. Why do I care so much and post so much about someone I meant once? Because after Simeon died, I grieved for him every day because Ben was with me every day. I was one of the people who listened to him, cried with him, read from the bible with him, prayed with him...almost every single day for months after. Simeon's death changed my life. It really made me stretch my understanding of death, loss, mourning. My role as a friend bordered one of a grief counselor because there was no way I was going to let Ben go through it totally alone. Ben's family was in Kalamazoo, Atlanta, the east coast and his girlfriend lived in Cincinnati. Ben had us.
I really had no business trying to help him. I was way out of my realm and comfort zone. It affected me in many ways, positive and negative. But that's what you do for the people you love. Sometimes you suck it up and pretend you can handle all of it. You hang on to the truth that God will not give us more than we can handle. And really, what do I have to complain about? I didn't lose a member of my family. I didn't even lose a friend. I never felt like that, though.
I guess I just wanted to explain. I always feel like I need to explain myself. There it is....
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Simeon Seinen
"I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live"
~Five For Fighting
A year ago last Saturday, I went to Sommerset Mall with my friend Andy. Deciding we had covered both buildings and all floors, we turned to leave…but something stopped me. “Wait, I think Ben’s brother works here in the Apple store.” Andy gave me a look like, “so.” “Soooo, I want to meet this guy,” I explained. Andy nodded and followed me in. I had never been in an Apple store before (no need) and I felt a little lost. Also, not knowing what Ben’s brother looked like or his name was a bit of a challenge. I scanned the faces of the trusty Mac employees and my eyes fell on a young man with a Seinen look…the eyes, the mouth, the height. I mumbled to an employee, “is….ummm….Seinen…here?” “Simeon Seinen?” I shook my head yes. The employee pointed to the young man I had suspected.
Sim didn’t look much like his tow-headed older brother. He was a little huskier and darker then Ben. I approached him feeling somewhat intimidated. Simeon was standing behind the Mac Genius counter with a countdown clock behind him. He was intensely working on someone’s computer so I had second thoughts. I voiced my concerns to Andy and he was all for leaving. His reply was, “what are you going to say to him anyway?” But I didn’t back down. Turning to Simeon, I marched right up to the counter. “Can I help you?” he asked. I introduced myself as his brother’s employee. He smiled and we shook hands. I can’t remember exactly what was said but when I explained that Ben was my supervisor; he jokingly apologized to me. When I was leaving, I told him I was going to be seeing Ben that night and I would tell Ben that Sim says hi. Simeon replied, “No, just give him a hard time for me.”
That night, I saw Ben at Krissie’s birthday party. I told him that I met his little bro. Ben laughed. “I wondered if it was you. I was in there about an hour later and Sim said one of my employee’s was just there. I asked him the name and he couldn’t remember. I asked what the girl looked like and he said, ‘I don’t know…she was hot.” We all laughed.
That’s the story about a chance meeting. I can’t tell you why I felt so convicted to meet Simeon or why I chose to go to Somerset Mall that weekend because I only go once or twice a year. What I do know is that Simeon died almost a week later at the age of 22 from a acute asthma attack.
March 19—Valassis held a huge party for March Madness. Sparty came into our work to hang out. We also had games, prizes and food. Ben and I were e-mailing each other in the afternoon.
Then Ben left and headed down to Cinci to spend the weekend with Nicole. I went to Lansing to spend the weekend with Jac. I got the call around 6:00. It came from Krissie.
“Holly, I just got a call from LP…Ben’s brother died this afternoon.”
“Ummmm…what?! Oh no…oh…you’re joking….#$*%...which brother?”
“I don’t know…the one who lives in Michigan…”
I’m not sure what I said next. I know I didn’t cry. I was just in a state of disbelief. I continued telling Joey the stories from the day and slowly it all started sinking in…then my thoughts turned to Ben. Shit. He was driving by himself to Cinci. Where was he? Was he okay? I felt I had no right to call him. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. I started becoming concerned about his faith. Was it strong enough to handle this? Was God with him right now? Oh geez, what about Sim? I started shaking. I remember Joey sat me down on the couch and I just shook and cried. He said some things that calmed me down and gave me the courage to leave Ben a message. It all felt so tragic but a small amount of peace filled me. "God has him now."
I called Ben and left him a message telling him I was so sorry, that I couldn’t stop crying, I don’t understand why, hang on to his faith, God is there, I’m praying hard for him. I never thought Ben would call back but he did. I was standing on the front porch. It was so cold. Ben was racing back to Michigan. I asked where he was. Wopakoneta. We both laughed at the private joke. Ben explained how he got the phone call from Stevie and how he didn’t turn around right away because he just never thought…
“Holl, I had to tell my dad…” Ben said. Oh…Jesus…why? No frickin way was this happening. Before we got off the phone, Ben said, “just pray. Pray for my family and for Simeon’s wife who is by herself at the hospital.” I promised I would.
I was in a fog the rest of the weekend. At times I felt fine, like nothing had happened. Then, I would remember and would fight this neauseating feeling. I found myself slipping into a teary mess during church that Sunday. I believe the series was on Boneheads but I could be wrong. All I knew was that I needed God more than ever. I knew none of this was about me, but I couldn’t help but take it personally. It is that whole ultimate empathy thing I’ve got goin on. I left several times during the singing and the teaching to wipe my eyes. Where was God? I felt completely lost. On my last trip back from the restroom, I saw the pastor who had just been teaching. He was standing by himself, near the coffee. I didn’t know him well but…I needed something…comfort…a hug…something to ground me. I appoarched him and complete jibberish spilled from my mouth. Whatever I said didn’t make any sense and I could tell this from the look on his face. I complimented him on his teaching, said that my best friend’s little brother died for no reason and blah, blah, blah. What I really wanted to say to him was please, take this pain away from me. Please, give me a verse or something that will make me feel better. I got nothing but a confused look. Defeated and slightly shamed by my actions, I turned away and headed back to my seat. Out of no where, the other pastor, the one I knew way better at the time, was standing in front of me…with his arms outstreatched. I took the hug without a word. How had he known? Don’t misunderstand, either. This is the same pastor who has been known to harass me with teasing. It was just the perfect moment…almost as if…God somehow sent it Himself. I returned to my seat feeling much better. Comforted. Ready to face the crazy crap that was coming during the week.
Mar and I were determined to go to the funeral. We were convinced not to by upper management. I will never allow people to control something I feel so strongly about again. I was afraid, though. Afraid that Ben didn’t want us there. I was also afraid of upper management. We went to the funeral home and I saw the kid I had met only a week before. He was wearing the same Apple shirt I saw him in. All of it was so heartbreaking. It didn’t make sense. Then, there was his wife. She was so small, maybe 100 pounds. She seemed to be holding up okay but really, I just don’t know how she did it. We gave Ben all the love we had and went home.
Ben called on a few of us to help clear out Simeon’s apartment. Stevie had decided she wanted to move back to Kalamazoo. She went back one more time, the one week anniversary. She took some things and then said, “pack the rest into boxes and maybe someday I’ll go through it.” So, that was what we did. I can tell you it ranks up there as one of the most difficult things I ever forced myself through. Ben was up and down in his emotions. At times he was focused and then he would find an inhaler and get upset.
“You know what my last conversation with my brother was about, Holly?” Ben asked through tears.
“What?” I said.
“That you are hot,” Ben said with a laugh.
“I’m so sorry,” I said with tears on their way. "Why did it have to be about stupid me? Why couldn't the two of you told each other how much you love one another?"
Ben paused and said, "we didn't know we were saying good-bye."
I kept packing and finding little things that had made Simeon so precious to his loved ones: Apple T-shirts, CDs, pictures…How did he die of an asthma attack at 22 years old? I was completely sure this was a mistake. God messed something up by allowing this to happen. When I found Stevie’s wedding dress, I was convinced we would all wake up from this disgusting nightmare soon. Can you imagine…packing a 21-year-old woman’s wedding dress into a box, taping the box up and writing “wedding dress” on the box in marker. This was mistake. I prayed for God to comfort them in their sorrow but secretly, I was pissed at Him. It wasn’t a secret from God, of course, but He wowed me by sustaining faith in Ben and Ben’s family. They made it through and continue to make it through, even when it is entirely painful.
And so...it's been a year. Ben moved to Cincinnati and will be married in a month. He continues to have faith even though he thinks his faith is weak. Just by having it after all of this brings glory to God. Because Ben and his family turned to each other, asked for prayers, prayed themselves they all give glory and hope to others who suddenly lose loved ones. This weekend will suck. They will all get together and mourn, cry, share memories...they will relive losing the family baby. All of this will help them heal more because God will be there, in their hearts, helping them to move forward. God bless you and be with you this weekend (and always), Seinen Family.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all alone
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
God, if you check my blog, please be with Stevie as she enters this milestone. Please, help her mourn the loss of her only love. Please, heal her and help her to forget what she helplessly witnessed. It wasn't her fault. Make her be still, God...and help her know You. Amen.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
A Fresh Start
I apologize ahead of time for the length of this posting. It is a part of my Jesus Story...even though Jesus isn't mentioned much. You might want to take a pee break and grab a sandwich before you start...
I loved college and hey, college loved me. Not at first. No, no, no…there was definitely a lot of character building. Still, Central was good for me and provided many different experiences, good and bad.
CMU was full of quirky, religiousy things. First, there was The Preacher Dude/Weirdo. He would stand between Anspach and Moore Hall trying to save all of us sinners. Great tactic. Yell how we are all going to hell. It didn’t work. People would gather around him, though and try to debate. Second, the Jesus Freaks that lived in the old frat house on Main Street. They were the fraternity of God (the Greek letters they used were Alpha and Omega). They would come after all of us, too. Not effective. Third, the student catholic church on campus that had a really excellent way to get to people’s hearts: put crosses all over the lawn to signify the number of abortions in a week/month/year. It really creeped me out. I wanted to protect those little crosses, shield them from the snow, rain, cold, heat. I knew the church was trying to make a statement but those mistakes didn’t belong to them. If they were trying to show Christ’s love, they were missing the point. Girls already felt alienated, shame, guilt. These crosses really rubbed it in. It was a slap on the face, a constant reminder.
Central quickly became my home, though. The only problem was going back to Laingsburg on weekends. My step-dad and I couldn’t stand each other. On one occasion, I called my sister, crying. She was in the process of buying a house behind Holt High School. She said there was a spare room in the basement. “If you want it, it’s yours,” she told me. I smiled thinking about how mom and I had made a room for Lyn in our old basement. When Lyn moved into the house, I gladly moved all of my belongings in. I came home to Holt and lived with Bradwee Bictor again. My sister saved me, even during one of the most difficult times of her life: she and Jeff could not have children together…at least, not the old fashioned way. I felt extremely disappointed and sad for them. My sister, however, was not down. She was optimistic and said with a little help from science, they were going to try other routes and methods.
During the summer months, I worked door to door jobs with Kelly. The jobs were horrible but Kelly and I became closer than ever before. We hung out on Duck Lake, went on many road trips, and caused trouble around Holt. The door to door jobs were bad but it taught me to not have fear of rejection. In August, I began my second year of college. Lyn and Jeff were expecting. Naturally, we were joyful.
I barely made it through my Sophomore year, the worst year at CMU. I didn’t get along with my roommates, my sister lost the baby, I didn’t do so well in my classes and I had just signed a lease to live with three boys. After the year was over, I went back to Holt.
In May, I received a call from my grandma early on a Thursday morning. I was half asleep in my room, listening to Bradley playing and Jeff taking a shower. It was hard to understand what my grandma was saying. She could barely speak. All she could get out was…your grandpa. I dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom door, yelling for Jeff. Soaking wet, he ran out of the shower with a towel wrapped around him. He went to the phone and I just stood there, shaking. My whole world was crashing down. All I could do was stand there in disbelief as Jeff talked to my aunt on the phone. I looked down to the face of a little four-year-old boy. “Aunt Howee, what’s wrong?”
Jeff got off the phone and explained grandpa wasn’t dead. He had gone in for hip surgery and was given too much morphine. He was in a coma.
My mother and Dean had just moved into a brand new home in Holbrook Hills, the neighborhood behind my sister’s. Mom was recovering from gall bladder surgery. I called and spoke to Dean. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost two years. Jeff dropped me off at their house. Dean gave me my mom’s car keys and $50. He said to call him when I got up to Petoskey and let him know how things were going. He didn’t want to tell mom just yet because he wanted her to get some more rest. I thanked him and began my drive up north.
I cruised up there praying the whole way. “Please, God, don’t let him die. Please, let me get up there. Grandpa, just hold on.” The drive up north is one I will never forget because I felt a sense of peaceful urgency. Tears…calm…pain…peace…sorrow…awe. I made it to the hospital in Petoskey and entered my grandfather’s room. He was snoring, loudly. I smiled but I was scared. It seemed like he was only asleep but I knew he was never coming back. The nurses urged me to talk to him. He made little noises, somewhat acknowledging. I told him how his children were flying in and driving up to be with him. The call had gone out. Grandpa was dying. I stood next to his bed, holding his hand, gazing out the window. The sun was setting on Little Traverse Bay. The whole scene from the hospital was nature at its finest. “What a beautiful place to die,” I thought.
Grandpa held on until each one of his kids, including his youngest (my sister), came to say good-bye. After a week of being in a coma, he slipped away, peacefully. That same day, my friend Monika gave birth to her first son. There isn’t a loss without some small gain, as the saying goes. Another little miracle was in store for our family, too. My sister was pregnant again. While we said goodbye to our grandfather, we madly prayed for the health and safety of the child she carried. This was the last time Lyn and Jeff were going to try. This had to work.
Christmas break arrived and I spent it at my sister’s. Early Christmas morning, the labor pains began. At 1:23 a.m. on December 26, the baby we prayed for was born: Little miss Lyndsay Marie, named after her mother and her aunt. We finally had our little girl.
My final year of college began in 1997. Four years plus one summer and I was almost free. It was fun living on Greek Row. I split my time between classes, the Bird, the house and the Crow Frat house across the street. We did lots of fun things like holding picture composites hostage and forcing the boys to come sing for them back. We had South Park, 90210 and Melrose Place nights. Bar night was every night. Yes, my senior year was a lot of fun.
In February, I realized a couple of things about my life: it was totally going to change in just a few months…and I was scared to death. February was a tough month for my life. I turned 22, was turned down by someone I really liked, my 14-year-old cat died, and Spring Break turned out to be a big, fat joke. But something else happened in February…an event that eventually led me back to God.
I loved college and hey, college loved me. Not at first. No, no, no…there was definitely a lot of character building. Still, Central was good for me and provided many different experiences, good and bad.
- Freshman Year—Lessons learned: Don’t trust just anyone, especially when things come up missing. Don’t give up after the first month (I almost did). Go to class but not when you are so sick you…get sick…during class. Don’t drink a Bellringer from the Wayside all by yourself or you might do crazy things and almost kill yourself. By the end of the year, I wasn’t living with the same people I had started living with at the beginning. Most of college was like that.
- Sophomore Year—Lessons learned: It isn’t always the best idea to live with your “closest” friends. When someone says you can borrow their lotion/perfume/clothes/CDs anytime you want, they don’t mean it. Your closest friends can break your heart. Not all classes can be blown off.
- Junior Year—Lessons learned: Living with three boys can be fun, exciting, a riot, messy…as long as you don’t start dating one of them. If you can’t make friends, buy them. Broadcasting people are just as weird as I am. When you break up with your roommate/boyfriend, move in with your cousin’s friends who are twin brothers (this actually worked out well until one of them started liking me). Sometimes heartache and displacement can cause you to do better in school and get on the Dean’s List. Smile more and you will win “Prettiest Smile” in the broadcasting department (along with most eligible bachelorette…and two scholarships).
- Senior Year—Lessons learned: Living with 20 other girls isn’t a horrible idea, as long as you know when to stay out of the fire. When you break up with someone, sometimes it isn’t always a clean break. Just because you put your heart out there to someone new doesn’t mean they will accept it and the two of you will live happily ever after…and sometimes, it does work out. When your kitty cat dies, it hurts almost as bad as when your grandpa dies. Hanging out with the frat boys across the road is an excellent way to scare off most dates. It is okay to graduate without a job…and to fall in love right before you leave college forever.
CMU was full of quirky, religiousy things. First, there was The Preacher Dude/Weirdo. He would stand between Anspach and Moore Hall trying to save all of us sinners. Great tactic. Yell how we are all going to hell. It didn’t work. People would gather around him, though and try to debate. Second, the Jesus Freaks that lived in the old frat house on Main Street. They were the fraternity of God (the Greek letters they used were Alpha and Omega). They would come after all of us, too. Not effective. Third, the student catholic church on campus that had a really excellent way to get to people’s hearts: put crosses all over the lawn to signify the number of abortions in a week/month/year. It really creeped me out. I wanted to protect those little crosses, shield them from the snow, rain, cold, heat. I knew the church was trying to make a statement but those mistakes didn’t belong to them. If they were trying to show Christ’s love, they were missing the point. Girls already felt alienated, shame, guilt. These crosses really rubbed it in. It was a slap on the face, a constant reminder.
Central quickly became my home, though. The only problem was going back to Laingsburg on weekends. My step-dad and I couldn’t stand each other. On one occasion, I called my sister, crying. She was in the process of buying a house behind Holt High School. She said there was a spare room in the basement. “If you want it, it’s yours,” she told me. I smiled thinking about how mom and I had made a room for Lyn in our old basement. When Lyn moved into the house, I gladly moved all of my belongings in. I came home to Holt and lived with Bradwee Bictor again. My sister saved me, even during one of the most difficult times of her life: she and Jeff could not have children together…at least, not the old fashioned way. I felt extremely disappointed and sad for them. My sister, however, was not down. She was optimistic and said with a little help from science, they were going to try other routes and methods.
During the summer months, I worked door to door jobs with Kelly. The jobs were horrible but Kelly and I became closer than ever before. We hung out on Duck Lake, went on many road trips, and caused trouble around Holt. The door to door jobs were bad but it taught me to not have fear of rejection. In August, I began my second year of college. Lyn and Jeff were expecting. Naturally, we were joyful.
I barely made it through my Sophomore year, the worst year at CMU. I didn’t get along with my roommates, my sister lost the baby, I didn’t do so well in my classes and I had just signed a lease to live with three boys. After the year was over, I went back to Holt.
In May, I received a call from my grandma early on a Thursday morning. I was half asleep in my room, listening to Bradley playing and Jeff taking a shower. It was hard to understand what my grandma was saying. She could barely speak. All she could get out was…your grandpa. I dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom door, yelling for Jeff. Soaking wet, he ran out of the shower with a towel wrapped around him. He went to the phone and I just stood there, shaking. My whole world was crashing down. All I could do was stand there in disbelief as Jeff talked to my aunt on the phone. I looked down to the face of a little four-year-old boy. “Aunt Howee, what’s wrong?”
Jeff got off the phone and explained grandpa wasn’t dead. He had gone in for hip surgery and was given too much morphine. He was in a coma.
My mother and Dean had just moved into a brand new home in Holbrook Hills, the neighborhood behind my sister’s. Mom was recovering from gall bladder surgery. I called and spoke to Dean. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost two years. Jeff dropped me off at their house. Dean gave me my mom’s car keys and $50. He said to call him when I got up to Petoskey and let him know how things were going. He didn’t want to tell mom just yet because he wanted her to get some more rest. I thanked him and began my drive up north.
I cruised up there praying the whole way. “Please, God, don’t let him die. Please, let me get up there. Grandpa, just hold on.” The drive up north is one I will never forget because I felt a sense of peaceful urgency. Tears…calm…pain…peace…sorrow…awe. I made it to the hospital in Petoskey and entered my grandfather’s room. He was snoring, loudly. I smiled but I was scared. It seemed like he was only asleep but I knew he was never coming back. The nurses urged me to talk to him. He made little noises, somewhat acknowledging. I told him how his children were flying in and driving up to be with him. The call had gone out. Grandpa was dying. I stood next to his bed, holding his hand, gazing out the window. The sun was setting on Little Traverse Bay. The whole scene from the hospital was nature at its finest. “What a beautiful place to die,” I thought.
Grandpa held on until each one of his kids, including his youngest (my sister), came to say good-bye. After a week of being in a coma, he slipped away, peacefully. That same day, my friend Monika gave birth to her first son. There isn’t a loss without some small gain, as the saying goes. Another little miracle was in store for our family, too. My sister was pregnant again. While we said goodbye to our grandfather, we madly prayed for the health and safety of the child she carried. This was the last time Lyn and Jeff were going to try. This had to work.
Christmas break arrived and I spent it at my sister’s. Early Christmas morning, the labor pains began. At 1:23 a.m. on December 26, the baby we prayed for was born: Little miss Lyndsay Marie, named after her mother and her aunt. We finally had our little girl.
My final year of college began in 1997. Four years plus one summer and I was almost free. It was fun living on Greek Row. I split my time between classes, the Bird, the house and the Crow Frat house across the street. We did lots of fun things like holding picture composites hostage and forcing the boys to come sing for them back. We had South Park, 90210 and Melrose Place nights. Bar night was every night. Yes, my senior year was a lot of fun.
In February, I realized a couple of things about my life: it was totally going to change in just a few months…and I was scared to death. February was a tough month for my life. I turned 22, was turned down by someone I really liked, my 14-year-old cat died, and Spring Break turned out to be a big, fat joke. But something else happened in February…an event that eventually led me back to God.
Updates
Work is keeping me busy. Church is keeping me busy. Here are some updates, though.
Baptism
When: April 17th
Where: Riverview Church in Holt, MI
Time: Not sure, yet. I think it will take place after the 11:45ish service but I don't have the official timing.
Guests: If you want to come watch my two pastors hold me under water and laugh, excellent! Just let me know.
Gifts: Sure, if you want. Just kidding. I'm doing this as an outward sign of an inward decision I made two years ago. This is one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. If you decide to attend, that would rock more than a gift. Besides, I don't need anything...yet (see below)...
Mission Trip to Koln, Germany
When: June 25-July 3 (no, I'm not moving to Germany)
Why: Hmmm...I believe it is to see how many people I can trick into going to church. Oops, no, that isn't it. I am going to Germany to build relationships with people which may plant a seed which may lead them to Christ. I will not be handing out Jesus pamphlets. I will not be digging wells. I might be feeding the hungry but not with just 5 loaves of bread. The purpose is to meet people and perhaps share our stories with them.
Money: I'll be asking for some...not much...so you might be getting a letter from the Great Commission Ministries church (and me). It is tax deductible and a great cause (Go ahead, make God smile).
I'm really excited. Yay!
Baptism
When: April 17th
Where: Riverview Church in Holt, MI
Time: Not sure, yet. I think it will take place after the 11:45ish service but I don't have the official timing.
Guests: If you want to come watch my two pastors hold me under water and laugh, excellent! Just let me know.
Gifts: Sure, if you want. Just kidding. I'm doing this as an outward sign of an inward decision I made two years ago. This is one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. If you decide to attend, that would rock more than a gift. Besides, I don't need anything...yet (see below)...
Mission Trip to Koln, Germany
When: June 25-July 3 (no, I'm not moving to Germany)
Why: Hmmm...I believe it is to see how many people I can trick into going to church. Oops, no, that isn't it. I am going to Germany to build relationships with people which may plant a seed which may lead them to Christ. I will not be handing out Jesus pamphlets. I will not be digging wells. I might be feeding the hungry but not with just 5 loaves of bread. The purpose is to meet people and perhaps share our stories with them.
Money: I'll be asking for some...not much...so you might be getting a letter from the Great Commission Ministries church (and me). It is tax deductible and a great cause (Go ahead, make God smile).
I'm really excited. Yay!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Send Me
Yesterday, Tami (my co-worker) and I were at our weekly prayer/bible study meeting at lunch. I caught her up on Germany and this smile came over her face.
"Holly, while I was waiting for you to get here, I flipped my bible open. Sometimes I say a little prayer, 'God, what would you like me to read?' and then wherever my bible opens is what I study. Let me read to you where the bible opened up today:
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8
Tami reaffirmed this with, "Holly, I think you are definitely supposed to go."
I got chills but felt warmth at the same time. I hear You.
"Holly, while I was waiting for you to get here, I flipped my bible open. Sometimes I say a little prayer, 'God, what would you like me to read?' and then wherever my bible opens is what I study. Let me read to you where the bible opened up today:
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8
Tami reaffirmed this with, "Holly, I think you are definitely supposed to go."
I got chills but felt warmth at the same time. I hear You.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
It just got worse...
My best friend's mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. All of this really makes me want to sing that song from church: Where are you, where are you, oh my God?
Please pray for Jo and for Kell and for the cancer to just go away.
Please pray for Jo and for Kell and for the cancer to just go away.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
I went out to eat with my family on Saturday for my grandma's birthday. Lyndsay and I were sitting on opposite ends of the table but I could tell she was spinning some excellent story. I was too busy listening to the other end of the tables conversation about scars. Suddenly, I heard her little voice above all others saying the following: Yeah, he does have it pierced...and he's Aunt Holly's pastor!
The entire table...no...the entire Big Boy...stopped short and looked at me. "Is that true, Holly?" my step-father asked. "Umm...that depends on what she said he has pierced."
"His eye-brow."
"Oh...that...well...yeah...my pastor's eyebrow is pierced." Everyone kind of stared at me for a minute. "What's the big deal?" I asked. "Tattoos, piercings, polka dot hair...God cares about your heart." I knew they were still sitting there slightly judging me so I blurted "in the summer he teaches barefoot."
My family is officially never coming to Riverview.
The entire table...no...the entire Big Boy...stopped short and looked at me. "Is that true, Holly?" my step-father asked. "Umm...that depends on what she said he has pierced."
"His eye-brow."
"Oh...that...well...yeah...my pastor's eyebrow is pierced." Everyone kind of stared at me for a minute. "What's the big deal?" I asked. "Tattoos, piercings, polka dot hair...God cares about your heart." I knew they were still sitting there slightly judging me so I blurted "in the summer he teaches barefoot."
My family is officially never coming to Riverview.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Mission
After my birthday dinner a few weeks ago, Joey and I decided to take in a nice, light comedy at the local Celebration Cinema. Because it was my birthday, I chose Hotel Rwanda. Nice pick. My cousin, who is in charge of security at Celebration, just shook his head. "Great movie....if you want to see a bunch of people die." Gulp. There was a point early on in the film where I said, "if these people get shot, I'm leaving." That was how intense the movie really was. I didn't leave, though and I'm glad. Still, the movie was so powerful, we had a hard time leaving after it was over. We felt spaced out and sat down on the couches for no apparent reason.
Joey: I want to join the Red Cross.
Holly: I want to join the Peace Corp.
Joey: I want to sell everything I own and go help people.
Holly: I want to help people, too...maybe even locally.
We were both feeling moved to do something.
And then...well...then God stepped in. Actually, it was Chuck and his roommate who were leaving their movie. We all laughed because Chuck had just eaten dinner with us a few hours before.
Chuck: I didn't know you were coming to the movies tonight.
Holly: Either did we.
Chuck: So...what did you see?
Joey: Hotel Rwanda.
Chuck: Whoa.
Holly: What did you see?
Chuck: We saw Constantine...oh, and do you both know my roommate, Clark?
We shook our heads.
Chuck: Clark, this is Joey and Holly.
Clark: Whoa...Joey and Holly from Riverview.
Joey and I nodded nervously.
Clark: Wow! Glad to finally meet you both. Your names came up in a meeting I was in recently. It was about the mission trip to Germany.
We were floored. Here we were feeling so convicted to go out into the world and do something, serve somehow...and God responded.
We went to the meeting Sunday after church. I didn't sign up because I wanted to pray on it a little. Later, as I was driving back to Walled Lake, I started laughing at myself. What more do I need to know I should do this? A bolt of lightning? An angel? God already gave me the sign. So....I'm doing it. I'm signing up. Now, if God doesn't help out with the money situation, then perhaps I misunderstood His intentions. Still, I do want to ask my friends, family, and leaders for council (that is what us Christians do--seek council). Any thoughts?
See, the thing is...I've never been outside of the continental US. I've never flown over an ocean. I've never been to Europe. I've never had a passport. I've never been the minority. But I have talked to complete strangers about God. I have reached out to my best friends about God. I'm pretty good at gauging when to push forward and when to shut up. I'm also doing my own study of the gospels in an attempt to really get to know Jesus. I'm not afraid to do this mission. I'm really hoping God wants to send me.
Joey: I want to join the Red Cross.
Holly: I want to join the Peace Corp.
Joey: I want to sell everything I own and go help people.
Holly: I want to help people, too...maybe even locally.
We were both feeling moved to do something.
And then...well...then God stepped in. Actually, it was Chuck and his roommate who were leaving their movie. We all laughed because Chuck had just eaten dinner with us a few hours before.
Chuck: I didn't know you were coming to the movies tonight.
Holly: Either did we.
Chuck: So...what did you see?
Joey: Hotel Rwanda.
Chuck: Whoa.
Holly: What did you see?
Chuck: We saw Constantine...oh, and do you both know my roommate, Clark?
We shook our heads.
Chuck: Clark, this is Joey and Holly.
Clark: Whoa...Joey and Holly from Riverview.
Joey and I nodded nervously.
Clark: Wow! Glad to finally meet you both. Your names came up in a meeting I was in recently. It was about the mission trip to Germany.
We were floored. Here we were feeling so convicted to go out into the world and do something, serve somehow...and God responded.
We went to the meeting Sunday after church. I didn't sign up because I wanted to pray on it a little. Later, as I was driving back to Walled Lake, I started laughing at myself. What more do I need to know I should do this? A bolt of lightning? An angel? God already gave me the sign. So....I'm doing it. I'm signing up. Now, if God doesn't help out with the money situation, then perhaps I misunderstood His intentions. Still, I do want to ask my friends, family, and leaders for council (that is what us Christians do--seek council). Any thoughts?
See, the thing is...I've never been outside of the continental US. I've never flown over an ocean. I've never been to Europe. I've never had a passport. I've never been the minority. But I have talked to complete strangers about God. I have reached out to my best friends about God. I'm pretty good at gauging when to push forward and when to shut up. I'm also doing my own study of the gospels in an attempt to really get to know Jesus. I'm not afraid to do this mission. I'm really hoping God wants to send me.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Okay, okay
I know I shouldn't hate things. Sometimes, "things" get us all really down. It isn't just cancer. Its a lot of "things" in this world. The cold that is kicking my butt, for example. That is really getting me down. All of my colds start with a sinus infection. The one I got the week of Christmas started with a sore throat. I never get a sore throat. This one started with a cough. I never get a cough. I like variety but come on. I need to do something about my immune system. But back to God...
God doesn't like it when we are hurt or suffering or sad. And it seems kind of strange that we are put in bodies that will somehow fail us...whether its cancer, sickness, old age, an accident...we are frail in these human clothes. But I guess that is why God makes our souls strong because when he takes us out of this skin, we get a new one (so I'm told).
I remember a line from a Will Smith song. "Hate in your heart will consume you, too." It was good advice he was giving his son. It is good advice for everything in life. I try not to hate cancer or anything else. Hate is its own cancer. I guess the only options are to pray it out of people or pray for their soul to be safely taken home. Either way, God's will be done.
I have a fever of 102. Could you tell?
God doesn't like it when we are hurt or suffering or sad. And it seems kind of strange that we are put in bodies that will somehow fail us...whether its cancer, sickness, old age, an accident...we are frail in these human clothes. But I guess that is why God makes our souls strong because when he takes us out of this skin, we get a new one (so I'm told).
I remember a line from a Will Smith song. "Hate in your heart will consume you, too." It was good advice he was giving his son. It is good advice for everything in life. I try not to hate cancer or anything else. Hate is its own cancer. I guess the only options are to pray it out of people or pray for their soul to be safely taken home. Either way, God's will be done.
I have a fever of 102. Could you tell?
Thursday, March 03, 2005
17 Years
March 3, 1988
Dear Diary,
I haven't written you in a long time because I lost you. Well, in the morning, TJ called and said she couldn't come to school because Kim got really bad overnight. I was mad at Brad for putting up pictures (of swimsuit models) in his locker. I didn't talk to him. After school, I tried to call TJ but the phone was busy. I didn't get through until after dinner. Carolyn answered the phone and said let me talk to your mom. I yelled for her to pick up and then I hung up. Fawn asked if anyone got the mail. Chad and I shrugged. As Fawn went outside, my mom called me back to her room. She was crying. She wanted us to come back to her room when phone came inside. I went to the living room. Chad was laying on the floor watching TV. "My mom wants us to go to her room when Fawn comes back," I said. "Did Kim die?" Chad asked. "No, don't be stupid," I said. When Fawn came in, we went back to my mom's room. Crying, she told us that Kim had died. Fawn started crying. Chad got really upset. I didn't cry. I went to the basement and sat by myself on the dryer. It was cold. Everything felt cold...and alone. I went to my bedroom and put my George Michael tape in. It was Kim's favorite. Fawn and I listened to One More Try. Finally, I did cry.
March 3, 1989
Well, it's been one long year since Kim died. Chad and Justin are being such jerks! Here I am, sitting on my bed listening to One More Try. It is exactly 11:14 pm. I thought about Kim all day. I carried her picture, listened to her songs, read stuff about her and most of all wrote about her. I can't stand the thought that she's been gone for one full year. I look back on this year as long....but kind of short. Now I'm listening to Lean On Me. I remember when Karen and I went to TJ's grandma's. We were jammin to this song and Karen taught me the words, just as her older sister Kim had taught her...I knew I could always lean on Kim.
March 3, 1990
It's been two years since Kim died. We went to the Band Festival at Jackson Northwest, Kim's old school. We had major fun on the bus. We were all friends because we were all in this together. When I got there, I looked for Kimmy's little sister, Karen. Couldn't find her. Percussion forgot their music! It was almost time to go into the warm up room! Percussion came through for the band and found some copies and a copy machine. After we played, I found Karen. We talked for awhile. It was time to go and everyone was getting on the bus. John Sonnenburg got on the bus and started screaming, "Ones! We got all ones!!!" Everyone started cheering. We had a lot of fun. When I got home, I listened to to all the depressing songs that remind me of Kim. I cried and cried. My mom came in and held me. She said, "I don't ever want you to change. I always want you to be sensitive." I love you, Kimmy. You'll never be forgotten.
March 3, 1991
Three years. Holy Hornets! Three years Kim has been gone. I'm so confused about her. I've now passed her age. I'm 15. I look nothing like her. I mean, when she was 14, she looked and acted like she was 17. I looked up to her so much. I was only an 11-year-old. I got a lot of things straightened out about her death this past year. The doctors never found the brain tumor. Her brain died of increased intercornil pressure. Chills. I quote Kim's dad, Howard: I hate f-ing cancer (except I wrote it out). I remember Kim, Mary Ann, Crystal and I out on Crystal's swing set talking about Chad and how much Kim liked him. She was such a sweetheart but she could get a nasty temper. I really didn't know her well. We were friends but not close. One truly amazing thing is that I still feel the same way. I can feel the hurt, fear, disbelief and emptiness I felt three years ago. I guess it never leaves, like the stories and memories.
March 3, 1992
It seems like yesterday. Everything seems as if it just happened. It's scary how fast time is going by me. I sometimes wonder who will read my diaries when I'm gone. Burn them, quick. I visited Kim's grave on Sunday. I hadn't been there in a few years. There was a Mary statue at the end and some type of flower covering over her grave. I called Howard yesterday. Jack answered the phone. The little baby I used to know can talk! He will be four tomorrow. I really don't have much to say so good-bye for this year and I'll be writing again...tomorrow.
March 3, 2005
I tried to write about Kim every year. I didn't want to forget her. I only knew her from July 4, 1987 to March 3, 1988. Before I knew it was wrong to worship and idolize people, I worshiped and idolized her. Don't paint the wrong picture of me as an eleven-year-old stalking the poor girl. It was just that there was something about her that I envied. I looked up to her. I mimicked her dance moves. I paid attention to the songs she liked and the phrases she said. And then she was gone. There was never another her.
So, it has been 17 years. I lost touch with her father and siblings but never forgot about her. I reached out last year and found Howard. He had remarried again and shared custody of Jack and Allie, the brother and sister Kim never knew. Jack turns 17 tomorrow. Allie will be 16 on the....9th, maybe? She is an honor student and doing very well. Karen, whom I got in touch with in January, is the proud mother of a 9-year-old boy, Matthew, and a 9-month-old baby girl, Payton Kimberly. Karen will be married in August. She has invited me to the wedding.
I'm still working on the Kim project but I've realized that besides Kim's family, people don't seem to have stories to tell. Seventeen years ago for them was....seventeen years ago. Ancient history. But it's not for me and I don't know why that is. God blessed and cursed me with a sharp memory: easy for me to recall a time Kim laughed when she said she was cereal (instead of serious) and easy for me to recall a time when I made Kim cry because she said I looked like Alyssa Milano. Yeah. I made her cry. I didn't like Who's the Boss. Someone told me in an elevator a few years ago, "hey, you kind of look like that girl...from Charmed....Alyssa...." "Thank you," I said with a smile. Anyhow, I'll close for this year, since I'm sick and have a fever. Here's to you, Kim. I hope you're having a good time in heaven. Hopefully, some day will be better friends.
Dear Diary,
I haven't written you in a long time because I lost you. Well, in the morning, TJ called and said she couldn't come to school because Kim got really bad overnight. I was mad at Brad for putting up pictures (of swimsuit models) in his locker. I didn't talk to him. After school, I tried to call TJ but the phone was busy. I didn't get through until after dinner. Carolyn answered the phone and said let me talk to your mom. I yelled for her to pick up and then I hung up. Fawn asked if anyone got the mail. Chad and I shrugged. As Fawn went outside, my mom called me back to her room. She was crying. She wanted us to come back to her room when phone came inside. I went to the living room. Chad was laying on the floor watching TV. "My mom wants us to go to her room when Fawn comes back," I said. "Did Kim die?" Chad asked. "No, don't be stupid," I said. When Fawn came in, we went back to my mom's room. Crying, she told us that Kim had died. Fawn started crying. Chad got really upset. I didn't cry. I went to the basement and sat by myself on the dryer. It was cold. Everything felt cold...and alone. I went to my bedroom and put my George Michael tape in. It was Kim's favorite. Fawn and I listened to One More Try. Finally, I did cry.
March 3, 1989
Well, it's been one long year since Kim died. Chad and Justin are being such jerks! Here I am, sitting on my bed listening to One More Try. It is exactly 11:14 pm. I thought about Kim all day. I carried her picture, listened to her songs, read stuff about her and most of all wrote about her. I can't stand the thought that she's been gone for one full year. I look back on this year as long....but kind of short. Now I'm listening to Lean On Me. I remember when Karen and I went to TJ's grandma's. We were jammin to this song and Karen taught me the words, just as her older sister Kim had taught her...I knew I could always lean on Kim.
March 3, 1990
It's been two years since Kim died. We went to the Band Festival at Jackson Northwest, Kim's old school. We had major fun on the bus. We were all friends because we were all in this together. When I got there, I looked for Kimmy's little sister, Karen. Couldn't find her. Percussion forgot their music! It was almost time to go into the warm up room! Percussion came through for the band and found some copies and a copy machine. After we played, I found Karen. We talked for awhile. It was time to go and everyone was getting on the bus. John Sonnenburg got on the bus and started screaming, "Ones! We got all ones!!!" Everyone started cheering. We had a lot of fun. When I got home, I listened to to all the depressing songs that remind me of Kim. I cried and cried. My mom came in and held me. She said, "I don't ever want you to change. I always want you to be sensitive." I love you, Kimmy. You'll never be forgotten.
March 3, 1991
Three years. Holy Hornets! Three years Kim has been gone. I'm so confused about her. I've now passed her age. I'm 15. I look nothing like her. I mean, when she was 14, she looked and acted like she was 17. I looked up to her so much. I was only an 11-year-old. I got a lot of things straightened out about her death this past year. The doctors never found the brain tumor. Her brain died of increased intercornil pressure. Chills. I quote Kim's dad, Howard: I hate f-ing cancer (except I wrote it out). I remember Kim, Mary Ann, Crystal and I out on Crystal's swing set talking about Chad and how much Kim liked him. She was such a sweetheart but she could get a nasty temper. I really didn't know her well. We were friends but not close. One truly amazing thing is that I still feel the same way. I can feel the hurt, fear, disbelief and emptiness I felt three years ago. I guess it never leaves, like the stories and memories.
March 3, 1992
It seems like yesterday. Everything seems as if it just happened. It's scary how fast time is going by me. I sometimes wonder who will read my diaries when I'm gone. Burn them, quick. I visited Kim's grave on Sunday. I hadn't been there in a few years. There was a Mary statue at the end and some type of flower covering over her grave. I called Howard yesterday. Jack answered the phone. The little baby I used to know can talk! He will be four tomorrow. I really don't have much to say so good-bye for this year and I'll be writing again...tomorrow.
March 3, 2005
I tried to write about Kim every year. I didn't want to forget her. I only knew her from July 4, 1987 to March 3, 1988. Before I knew it was wrong to worship and idolize people, I worshiped and idolized her. Don't paint the wrong picture of me as an eleven-year-old stalking the poor girl. It was just that there was something about her that I envied. I looked up to her. I mimicked her dance moves. I paid attention to the songs she liked and the phrases she said. And then she was gone. There was never another her.
So, it has been 17 years. I lost touch with her father and siblings but never forgot about her. I reached out last year and found Howard. He had remarried again and shared custody of Jack and Allie, the brother and sister Kim never knew. Jack turns 17 tomorrow. Allie will be 16 on the....9th, maybe? She is an honor student and doing very well. Karen, whom I got in touch with in January, is the proud mother of a 9-year-old boy, Matthew, and a 9-month-old baby girl, Payton Kimberly. Karen will be married in August. She has invited me to the wedding.
I'm still working on the Kim project but I've realized that besides Kim's family, people don't seem to have stories to tell. Seventeen years ago for them was....seventeen years ago. Ancient history. But it's not for me and I don't know why that is. God blessed and cursed me with a sharp memory: easy for me to recall a time Kim laughed when she said she was cereal (instead of serious) and easy for me to recall a time when I made Kim cry because she said I looked like Alyssa Milano. Yeah. I made her cry. I didn't like Who's the Boss. Someone told me in an elevator a few years ago, "hey, you kind of look like that girl...from Charmed....Alyssa...." "Thank you," I said with a smile. Anyhow, I'll close for this year, since I'm sick and have a fever. Here's to you, Kim. I hope you're having a good time in heaven. Hopefully, some day will be better friends.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Monday, February 28, 2005
Jesus Videos
Okay, I've been a little down the past couple of days so I thought I would post this to cheer myself and y'all up (or just make you laugh if you needed it). Steve showed us these videos in church last year and it was such a good time I had to dig them up again. Have fun....
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