Lynds and I at Cheeseburger In Paradise
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Asking The Question
Did you know I use to think sharing the gospel meant to tell the stories of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Did you know I thought this up until last week? I remember when Joey told me Clark and Brandi were sharing the gospel with someone at the bar during our mission trip. I was in awe of what was taking place right next to me. But then I wondered, "where do they start? Do they go in order and start with Matthew? How long does it take?"
I smile when I think about how green I was. I still wonder why God asked me to go to Germany. I wasn't prepared to share the gospel. Can you envision the poor soul who sat down with me and I started going through Jesus' lineage and telling the Christmas story? Somehow it dawned on me last week, though. Everything became crystal.
Three years ago this very weekend, I started going to Riverview. I was a person who was seeking. I celebrated Christmas and Easter and prayed. But I didn't know God and I sure didn't know the answer to the question "how do you get to heaven." I remember when that all came to me, sometime in the summer at Riv. Oh...I get it now! I was so excited. I'm excited now, too.
"Joey," I said Tuesday night, "what does it really mean when you share the gospel with someone...because I think I just did." Jimmy's suicide has made his friends stop and pause. I feel this pause is an opportunity for God to share Himself with them. As I talked to my roommate Tuesday night, we were led to the issue:
K: I don't know if Jimmy went to heaven or not.
H: Hmmm....I don't know, either. God is forgiving and can forgive for anything. If Jimmy was a believer....wait, I have to ask you this question...do you know how to get to heaven?
Joey asked, "What did you say?"
I felt a little nervous as I began speaking. The nerves transformed to tears. I felt very emotional as I began.
"In the old testament, people used to sacrifice lambs and other animals to pay for a sin they committed. Because, as you know...there are...you know..."
"Penalties...consequences"
"Yes! Penalties and consequences for our sins. Well, when Jesus died on the cross, he became the new lamb. It is pretty emotional to think of the pain Jesus suffered, but it wasn't just the pain of the beatings and crucifixion. When he was on the cross, he felt every single sin I would ever commit. He felt and paid for everything you would ever do. He took on Jimmy's sins, too. But the catch is that you have to have faith this happened for you. You have to believe Jesus died for your sins. Believing he saved you from sin is the only way to get to God and therefore heaven."
That was a lot to sum up. It certainly wasn't telling all the stories from the gospel. It wasn't even the whole story but it was a starting point...and the most important point. Why do you need to accept Jesus? That's why. If I'm way off, if there is something that needs to be clarified, please correct me.
And why am I even writing about the most easy, basic point? Because, my friends, you would be surprised who doesn't know. I've felt the Holy Spirit grow strong in me these past few weeks. I've been boldly asking my friends and family members the most basic question: how do you get to heaven? And when I ask this question, I ask in a way that makes it appear that maybe I don't know, either. Tricky? Maybe. Less threatening? I think so.
Here are some of the responses I've received:
"Um....I don't know."
"You know, I've been wondering about that same thing..."
"Um....hmmm....I know the answer....I think....i think I'm making it harder than it is...."
"You are a good person, do good things, don't swear and love God."
"You accept Christ into your life, accept him as your savior and live for him."
All of these people I would consider Christians...but maybe Christians who have someone missed the point. The last response came from someone I didn't consider a Christian. God loves to prove me wrong. The cool thing about this question is that it opens the door for more discussion. I have had so many awesome conversations about faith and belief in the past few weeks...all because I boldly asked the question.
And I'm not the only one. Joey asked the question to someone on Thursday night. Joey shared the gospel with someone he thought knew it already. So, we have made a decision. Last year, we were raising money to go across the world to plant seeds. This year, we are in the position to give to people who are going to go across the world. We are going to stay here and support with prayer and money. We are also going to step out and boldly ask this simple question to our friends and family, even the ones we think already know. I feel kind of like a warrior for Christ. But when I share, I feel so humbled that He would use me.
I smile when I think about how green I was. I still wonder why God asked me to go to Germany. I wasn't prepared to share the gospel. Can you envision the poor soul who sat down with me and I started going through Jesus' lineage and telling the Christmas story? Somehow it dawned on me last week, though. Everything became crystal.
Three years ago this very weekend, I started going to Riverview. I was a person who was seeking. I celebrated Christmas and Easter and prayed. But I didn't know God and I sure didn't know the answer to the question "how do you get to heaven." I remember when that all came to me, sometime in the summer at Riv. Oh...I get it now! I was so excited. I'm excited now, too.
"Joey," I said Tuesday night, "what does it really mean when you share the gospel with someone...because I think I just did." Jimmy's suicide has made his friends stop and pause. I feel this pause is an opportunity for God to share Himself with them. As I talked to my roommate Tuesday night, we were led to the issue:
K: I don't know if Jimmy went to heaven or not.
H: Hmmm....I don't know, either. God is forgiving and can forgive for anything. If Jimmy was a believer....wait, I have to ask you this question...do you know how to get to heaven?
Joey asked, "What did you say?"
I felt a little nervous as I began speaking. The nerves transformed to tears. I felt very emotional as I began.
"In the old testament, people used to sacrifice lambs and other animals to pay for a sin they committed. Because, as you know...there are...you know..."
"Penalties...consequences"
"Yes! Penalties and consequences for our sins. Well, when Jesus died on the cross, he became the new lamb. It is pretty emotional to think of the pain Jesus suffered, but it wasn't just the pain of the beatings and crucifixion. When he was on the cross, he felt every single sin I would ever commit. He felt and paid for everything you would ever do. He took on Jimmy's sins, too. But the catch is that you have to have faith this happened for you. You have to believe Jesus died for your sins. Believing he saved you from sin is the only way to get to God and therefore heaven."
That was a lot to sum up. It certainly wasn't telling all the stories from the gospel. It wasn't even the whole story but it was a starting point...and the most important point. Why do you need to accept Jesus? That's why. If I'm way off, if there is something that needs to be clarified, please correct me.
And why am I even writing about the most easy, basic point? Because, my friends, you would be surprised who doesn't know. I've felt the Holy Spirit grow strong in me these past few weeks. I've been boldly asking my friends and family members the most basic question: how do you get to heaven? And when I ask this question, I ask in a way that makes it appear that maybe I don't know, either. Tricky? Maybe. Less threatening? I think so.
Here are some of the responses I've received:
"Um....I don't know."
"You know, I've been wondering about that same thing..."
"Um....hmmm....I know the answer....I think....i think I'm making it harder than it is...."
"You are a good person, do good things, don't swear and love God."
"You accept Christ into your life, accept him as your savior and live for him."
All of these people I would consider Christians...but maybe Christians who have someone missed the point. The last response came from someone I didn't consider a Christian. God loves to prove me wrong. The cool thing about this question is that it opens the door for more discussion. I have had so many awesome conversations about faith and belief in the past few weeks...all because I boldly asked the question.
And I'm not the only one. Joey asked the question to someone on Thursday night. Joey shared the gospel with someone he thought knew it already. So, we have made a decision. Last year, we were raising money to go across the world to plant seeds. This year, we are in the position to give to people who are going to go across the world. We are going to stay here and support with prayer and money. We are also going to step out and boldly ask this simple question to our friends and family, even the ones we think already know. I feel kind of like a warrior for Christ. But when I share, I feel so humbled that He would use me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Being Bold
I have a favor to ask. Lately, I've boldly been asking the people in my life how to get to heaven. Can you please share the answer with me? I know the answer but I would like some thoughts about sharing it with other people and what your answer is when someone asks you....how do I get to heaven. I'm bringing this up because the more people I've been asking...the more answers I get like this: I don't know. I want them to know.
February 22, 1976
Today was my birfday. I turned 30. I'm in a new club. Truth is, I'm fine with turning 30. It is a new stage in life and God has given me the opportunity to experience it. I've been thinking a lot about life lately. A triathalon has been coming to mind...all of the hurtles....the swimming leg...the long jump. There are events I don't want to participate in but I will if it is God's wish that I do. All of these events make me stronger in Him. They grow me up.
I had a good birfday. My desk was decorated and people brought in treats. Talked to a lot of friends via e-mail and some friends I haven't talked to in quite awhile. Went to Bennigan's for lunch and then met my moms for dinner in Okemos. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my day...with her.
Anyhow, I'm tired and probably am not making a lot of sense. I'll blame it on my age.
I had a good birfday. My desk was decorated and people brought in treats. Talked to a lot of friends via e-mail and some friends I haven't talked to in quite awhile. Went to Bennigan's for lunch and then met my moms for dinner in Okemos. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my day...with her.
Anyhow, I'm tired and probably am not making a lot of sense. I'll blame it on my age.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Jimmy Soprano
My friend committed suicide on Wednesday. That was difficult to write. People usually don't talk about suicide. Close your eyes or hit the back button.
We know how he did it but we don't know why. That's the thing with suicide. If there isn't a note, you're left with confusion. Even with a note, a giant question mark seems to hang over head.
Jimmy was 33. He went to high school with my roommate. He lived across the street from us. He had a really nice, $300,000 home. His parents were born in Sicily. He was Catholic. He had a lot of friends. He drove an H2. He was a big boy. He took Krissie and I to the Chop House. We made him dinner. He loved my bruchetta. He couldn't stand cilantra. He always said, "hey beautiful. When are you going to marry me?" He said this to all the girls.
His closest friends are shocked. They insist he wouldn't do something like this. Jimmy didn't believe in suicide. Someone said, "there's no way he killed himself. You don't go to heaven if you kill yourself." I felt like people turned and looked at me, as if I'm closer to God because I talk about Him all the time. I raised my eyebrows and fumbled through something about destroying something made in God's image, but then I finished with "I can't pretend to know what happened to Jimmy during his judgment. I can't pretend to know what God will forgive. That is between God and Jimmy. I only hope I'll see him again someday."
There is so much pain surrounding this death. People are hurt that Jimmy would do this. People are angry at Jimmy for not asking for help. Maybe he did. Maybe his mind was made up. People blame themselves for not seeing the signs. I even threw myself a brief pity party thinking, "oh yeah, Holly...probably the only Christian in his life. Did you really give all you had to him?" No, but I didn't hide it, either. We talked about pre-marital sex. We talked about porn. He knew where I was standing. Still, none of us could have cured his issues. We didn't even know all of them.
The last time I spoke to Jimmy was the day before the Super Bowl. He called me to invite me to his party.
"Wow. Thank you so much for inviting me to your party...THE DAY BEFORE. I had to go and make other plans because I got tired of waiting for your invite. You've changed."
He laughed and said, "I don't even know you anymore."
We then pretended to break up for the next 5 minutes. At the end, we were laughing. This is what I'm trying to hold on to...not the final minutes before he made the decision to pull the trigger. My mind can't understand that. It is difficult to walk out of my front door and be staring at his house, knowing what happened in there. Dare I say...it was a .22? Yeah, I probably went to far with that one. But the "coincidence" is strange.
I left for work late on Thursday morning. People had been coming and going in our condo until 2 am. Crying, laughing, sharing...I could see the healing trying to start. Still, there was so much hurt and confusion. When Krissie told me, I dropped the mail and my purse, walked up to her and hugged her...while saying, "this must be a joke." When I left late for work on Thursday, I saw Godiva, Jimmy's chocolate lab. She was at the garage door and then ran to the front door. She was looking for him. No one told her. I know, I know. She wouldn't understand. But I don't understand, either.
I'm tired right now. It has been a long confusing week full of trivial bullshit. Yup, yup. I wrote it. I said it. It is. Will my life ever become so depressing that I'll think about ending it? Will I reach out for the help I need or keep it all inside? I do know God is the author of my life. He decided when to start it and I'll carry out His plan until the end...even if it is killing me...I cannot kill me because I am not my own.
Please pray for Jimmy's family and friends.
We know how he did it but we don't know why. That's the thing with suicide. If there isn't a note, you're left with confusion. Even with a note, a giant question mark seems to hang over head.
Jimmy was 33. He went to high school with my roommate. He lived across the street from us. He had a really nice, $300,000 home. His parents were born in Sicily. He was Catholic. He had a lot of friends. He drove an H2. He was a big boy. He took Krissie and I to the Chop House. We made him dinner. He loved my bruchetta. He couldn't stand cilantra. He always said, "hey beautiful. When are you going to marry me?" He said this to all the girls.
His closest friends are shocked. They insist he wouldn't do something like this. Jimmy didn't believe in suicide. Someone said, "there's no way he killed himself. You don't go to heaven if you kill yourself." I felt like people turned and looked at me, as if I'm closer to God because I talk about Him all the time. I raised my eyebrows and fumbled through something about destroying something made in God's image, but then I finished with "I can't pretend to know what happened to Jimmy during his judgment. I can't pretend to know what God will forgive. That is between God and Jimmy. I only hope I'll see him again someday."
There is so much pain surrounding this death. People are hurt that Jimmy would do this. People are angry at Jimmy for not asking for help. Maybe he did. Maybe his mind was made up. People blame themselves for not seeing the signs. I even threw myself a brief pity party thinking, "oh yeah, Holly...probably the only Christian in his life. Did you really give all you had to him?" No, but I didn't hide it, either. We talked about pre-marital sex. We talked about porn. He knew where I was standing. Still, none of us could have cured his issues. We didn't even know all of them.
The last time I spoke to Jimmy was the day before the Super Bowl. He called me to invite me to his party.
"Wow. Thank you so much for inviting me to your party...THE DAY BEFORE. I had to go and make other plans because I got tired of waiting for your invite. You've changed."
He laughed and said, "I don't even know you anymore."
We then pretended to break up for the next 5 minutes. At the end, we were laughing. This is what I'm trying to hold on to...not the final minutes before he made the decision to pull the trigger. My mind can't understand that. It is difficult to walk out of my front door and be staring at his house, knowing what happened in there. Dare I say...it was a .22? Yeah, I probably went to far with that one. But the "coincidence" is strange.
I left for work late on Thursday morning. People had been coming and going in our condo until 2 am. Crying, laughing, sharing...I could see the healing trying to start. Still, there was so much hurt and confusion. When Krissie told me, I dropped the mail and my purse, walked up to her and hugged her...while saying, "this must be a joke." When I left late for work on Thursday, I saw Godiva, Jimmy's chocolate lab. She was at the garage door and then ran to the front door. She was looking for him. No one told her. I know, I know. She wouldn't understand. But I don't understand, either.
I'm tired right now. It has been a long confusing week full of trivial bullshit. Yup, yup. I wrote it. I said it. It is. Will my life ever become so depressing that I'll think about ending it? Will I reach out for the help I need or keep it all inside? I do know God is the author of my life. He decided when to start it and I'll carry out His plan until the end...even if it is killing me...I cannot kill me because I am not my own.
Please pray for Jimmy's family and friends.
More 222
This is getting weird.
On Valentine's Day, my fortune cookie had the number 22.
While driving, there were two vehicles in front of me with license #s ending in 22.
I saw a necklace I liked and Joey said, "guess how much it is?" "$22."
The next day...
Brian asked me how he would know if a certain conference room was upstairs or downstairs. I said, "the conference room downstairs is #22."
I received a pdf from a client. I opened it and it was at 122%.
Last night, Joey and I went to Darb's. When we got our receipt, I took a look and gasped. "Joey, look." He looked at the receipt and then looked at me weird. "Wow. We're sitting at table #22."
Do you believe this is getting creepy or am I insane?
On Valentine's Day, my fortune cookie had the number 22.
While driving, there were two vehicles in front of me with license #s ending in 22.
I saw a necklace I liked and Joey said, "guess how much it is?" "$22."
The next day...
Brian asked me how he would know if a certain conference room was upstairs or downstairs. I said, "the conference room downstairs is #22."
I received a pdf from a client. I opened it and it was at 122%.
Last night, Joey and I went to Darb's. When we got our receipt, I took a look and gasped. "Joey, look." He looked at the receipt and then looked at me weird. "Wow. We're sitting at table #22."
Do you believe this is getting creepy or am I insane?
Sunday, February 12, 2006
222
Can you help me figure this out?
Superbowl game, Joey won $222.00.
Tuesday morning, I woke up at 2:22 a.m.
My birthday is 2/22.
Someone was making lemonade for the Acts 29 people and I asked how many scoops they had to put in. 22
I went to Baja Fresh. They called out order #22.
I feel like there is more then just what I listed. Am I missing anymore?
Superbowl game, Joey won $222.00.
Tuesday morning, I woke up at 2:22 a.m.
My birthday is 2/22.
Someone was making lemonade for the Acts 29 people and I asked how many scoops they had to put in. 22
I went to Baja Fresh. They called out order #22.
I feel like there is more then just what I listed. Am I missing anymore?
Riverview
Yeah, yeah...I always talk about how cool my church is but really...it is. But it seems like every third or fourth series becomes what I like to call...in my oh-so-"Christian-like"-way...a spiritual ass-whopping. Yes, this series on Resolutions has been challenging me in positive ways. The biggest lesson is not doing things for me, others or even God but because of God. I'm wondering how I can incorporate that into my daily decisions. "Can I somehow buy this dress because of God?" Just like me to take this to extremes. Makes it more interesting.
JAC and I went to Riv on Saturday night. As I sat there drinking my Coke, watching clips from Office Space and relaxing in my jeans, I felt so safe and happy. After the service was over, JAC and I sat for a few minutes in our seats. When I looked around, I realized everyone was still sitting. People weren't leaving. They were talking, laughing and making plans. I love God!
Oh, and thanks, Noel for once again incorporating something I've told you into a message. I love it when God uses me like that :o)
Oh! And for those who don't go to Riv, on April 9th, there will be one service at the Wharton Center, 10 am. Pass it on...
JAC and I went to Riv on Saturday night. As I sat there drinking my Coke, watching clips from Office Space and relaxing in my jeans, I felt so safe and happy. After the service was over, JAC and I sat for a few minutes in our seats. When I looked around, I realized everyone was still sitting. People weren't leaving. They were talking, laughing and making plans. I love God!
Oh, and thanks, Noel for once again incorporating something I've told you into a message. I love it when God uses me like that :o)
Oh! And for those who don't go to Riv, on April 9th, there will be one service at the Wharton Center, 10 am. Pass it on...
Updates
Sorry for silence. First I want to apologize for the lack of updates. I can't update during the week...unless I go to a wireless cafe. No internet at home. No internet at work. Speaking of work, I got transfered to a new department. More on that later. The impetigo is gone but I have three pink scars on my chin. Such fun just before I turn 30.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Acts 29
"So, do you know exactly what we are doing?" I asked.
"It's a free store. That's all I know."
"God said, 'get out of bed at 6:30 a.m., drive to a not so great part of town through a minor snow shower, and just trust me."
"Right."
As Yi and I exited onto McNichols, we realized immediately this inner city had been forgotten. Every other stop light was burned out. Barbed wire scaled the tops of fences. Overgrown weeds, boards on businesses, vacant cars...no we weren't in the suburbs anymore. We found the building without trouble and entered with an open mind.
We were standing in what was once "the place" to buy your car in Detroit: Century Chevrolet. Big glass windows and mirrors along the wall somewhat resembled the old showroom. On the large wall opposite the windows was a giant mural of downtown Detroit with the Chevy symbol hanging like a cross over the city. This was Acts 29.
Pastor Mike greeted us and we secured our stuff upstairs. Joining the other volunteers, we received a crash course orientation. There were going to be three stations: working in the free store, serving meals and acting as host. Of course, Yi and I were picked for host. We both quickly declined not feeling quite ready to sit and talk with people. How funny. God had just sent me to Germany to talk to people and yet I couldn't do it here. Yi volunteered in the free store which was in an adjoining building. I stood behind the food and served the Lord from there.
I saw many hungry people come through the line. There was no racial or age discrimination. Muslims, Christians and the hopeless wandered through the food line patiently and with a smile. During small breaks in the flow of people, I got to know an Indian woman named Aparna. She told me about the Acts 29 vision: to reach out to the inner city community. Her stories told of a woman in a wheelchair who only asked for some fresh fruit and company. Another story was about walking the street doing outreach and coming face to face with gang members.
"You just look them in the eye," she explained. "Don't show them fear even if you are crying to the Lord on the inside. They wonder why you are there but they let you go by."
Her pastor would come by to check on us and I noticed he was wearing the ugliest, orange, gardening shoes. These shoes didn't go well with the nice coat and jeans. I actually wondered if he knew he had them on.
We spoke to Cathy who passionately runs the free store. Her vision is to train people and branch out to other communities. Providing clothing, toys, dishes and other basic needs is Cathy’s vision. “It really is easy to do,” she said. “Just ask people to donate the goods about two weeks before the store opens. Then, you let people know. They’ll show up.” In fact, one family showed up three hours before the store opened. They patiently waited in the car: one mother, three kids.
Before we left, Pastor Mike gave us a tour of Acts 29. He led us upstairs to the women’s ministry office and the nursery. To my amazement, we then followed him down a hallway which opened up into four more rooms: the future ESL classroom, prayer room and another office. The open room was to be used for various events. We then went up a set of stairs into an unheated, vast area. “The third floor vision is to make these into dorms for interns and addicts. We want to provide a place for people, help get them back on their feet and teach them skills they can use.”
Pastor Mike led us back to the first floor into a room they are converting into a kitchen. Presently, it is doubling as a bike shop. A couple of guys drive around various cities looking for mangled bikes. They repair the bikes and bring them to Acts 29. “Some of the kids who came today rode up on bikes given to them by our ministry,” Pastor Mike said. “This is one of the ways we are reaching out into the community. We want people to remember us so they can contact us again. Anyone notice our Pastor’s shoes?” We all nodded. “Pastor does that so people will remember him and be able to approach him anytime.”
The support Acts 29 is receiving is a testimony for Christ. There are so many areas any of us can support financially, through donations, prayerfully and rolling up our sleeves. The opportunities are abundant.
Yi and I left with eager hearts. “Quick, let’s read Acts 29,” Yi said as we got into the Trailblazer. As she grabbed the bible (I keep one near me when I can), I said, “I’ve never read all of Acts…but someone mentioned there isn’t an Acts 29 or something.”
“That's right!” Yi said, “it ends at 28 but it ends kind of abruptly. It is so we can write our own Acts 29…all of us. Holly, let’s write our own Acts 29.” We discussed our excitement to help out with the ministry while we sped back to the suburbs. The Lord had sent us to the other side of the world to help people and now we were sent into our own city. God had touched our hearts by bringing us to a place Detroit had forgotten but God hadn’t. And the biggest gain of the whole trip?
“Someone got saved today,” Pastor Mike said.
Check out www.acts-29.us to learn more about this ministry.
"It's a free store. That's all I know."
"God said, 'get out of bed at 6:30 a.m., drive to a not so great part of town through a minor snow shower, and just trust me."
"Right."
As Yi and I exited onto McNichols, we realized immediately this inner city had been forgotten. Every other stop light was burned out. Barbed wire scaled the tops of fences. Overgrown weeds, boards on businesses, vacant cars...no we weren't in the suburbs anymore. We found the building without trouble and entered with an open mind.
We were standing in what was once "the place" to buy your car in Detroit: Century Chevrolet. Big glass windows and mirrors along the wall somewhat resembled the old showroom. On the large wall opposite the windows was a giant mural of downtown Detroit with the Chevy symbol hanging like a cross over the city. This was Acts 29.
Pastor Mike greeted us and we secured our stuff upstairs. Joining the other volunteers, we received a crash course orientation. There were going to be three stations: working in the free store, serving meals and acting as host. Of course, Yi and I were picked for host. We both quickly declined not feeling quite ready to sit and talk with people. How funny. God had just sent me to Germany to talk to people and yet I couldn't do it here. Yi volunteered in the free store which was in an adjoining building. I stood behind the food and served the Lord from there.
I saw many hungry people come through the line. There was no racial or age discrimination. Muslims, Christians and the hopeless wandered through the food line patiently and with a smile. During small breaks in the flow of people, I got to know an Indian woman named Aparna. She told me about the Acts 29 vision: to reach out to the inner city community. Her stories told of a woman in a wheelchair who only asked for some fresh fruit and company. Another story was about walking the street doing outreach and coming face to face with gang members.
"You just look them in the eye," she explained. "Don't show them fear even if you are crying to the Lord on the inside. They wonder why you are there but they let you go by."
Her pastor would come by to check on us and I noticed he was wearing the ugliest, orange, gardening shoes. These shoes didn't go well with the nice coat and jeans. I actually wondered if he knew he had them on.
We spoke to Cathy who passionately runs the free store. Her vision is to train people and branch out to other communities. Providing clothing, toys, dishes and other basic needs is Cathy’s vision. “It really is easy to do,” she said. “Just ask people to donate the goods about two weeks before the store opens. Then, you let people know. They’ll show up.” In fact, one family showed up three hours before the store opened. They patiently waited in the car: one mother, three kids.
Before we left, Pastor Mike gave us a tour of Acts 29. He led us upstairs to the women’s ministry office and the nursery. To my amazement, we then followed him down a hallway which opened up into four more rooms: the future ESL classroom, prayer room and another office. The open room was to be used for various events. We then went up a set of stairs into an unheated, vast area. “The third floor vision is to make these into dorms for interns and addicts. We want to provide a place for people, help get them back on their feet and teach them skills they can use.”
Pastor Mike led us back to the first floor into a room they are converting into a kitchen. Presently, it is doubling as a bike shop. A couple of guys drive around various cities looking for mangled bikes. They repair the bikes and bring them to Acts 29. “Some of the kids who came today rode up on bikes given to them by our ministry,” Pastor Mike said. “This is one of the ways we are reaching out into the community. We want people to remember us so they can contact us again. Anyone notice our Pastor’s shoes?” We all nodded. “Pastor does that so people will remember him and be able to approach him anytime.”
The support Acts 29 is receiving is a testimony for Christ. There are so many areas any of us can support financially, through donations, prayerfully and rolling up our sleeves. The opportunities are abundant.
Yi and I left with eager hearts. “Quick, let’s read Acts 29,” Yi said as we got into the Trailblazer. As she grabbed the bible (I keep one near me when I can), I said, “I’ve never read all of Acts…but someone mentioned there isn’t an Acts 29 or something.”
“That's right!” Yi said, “it ends at 28 but it ends kind of abruptly. It is so we can write our own Acts 29…all of us. Holly, let’s write our own Acts 29.” We discussed our excitement to help out with the ministry while we sped back to the suburbs. The Lord had sent us to the other side of the world to help people and now we were sent into our own city. God had touched our hearts by bringing us to a place Detroit had forgotten but God hadn’t. And the biggest gain of the whole trip?
“Someone got saved today,” Pastor Mike said.
Check out www.acts-29.us to learn more about this ministry.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
What worry can do to a person....
"Oh no!" she said when she saw me sitting on the table. Her reaction startled me and tears marched forward. I felt as if I were three, had just fallen down and was now turning to my mom for help. Finally...we would get this figured out.
"How did it start?" she asked. My mind flew in a million different directions. How did all of this start?
It could have started last fall when I went through all that crazy stuff. But it may have started somewhere when I was young, insecurities I developed somehow. We all develop these little personality traits somewhere in our history. Who could really pinpoint when it all started?
Since last September, I've been facing several trials. I chose many different tactics during the trials. Denial. Anger. Reflection. Honesty. Regret. Sinful nature. I tried to handle it the best way I could but relying on my own understanding, I left my God out of the whole mix. That crazy God...He never left me.
There has been a lot of pain and struggle getting through the events of the past 6 months. God has equipped me with close friends, people I didn't have in my life a year ago. But my insecurities which stem from who knows where, cause me to play God and try to turn events to my advantage. I love my peeps. I share them with the world. They are not solely mine. Is anything? Is that a selfish behavior to have? Wanting something that is your own? I still struggle with selfish and self-less. But at least I'm struggling. At least I'm not giving in to the selfish. I almost did last week.
I felt so wicked. I felt rage. I was actually consumed with hate. Could not believe the evil spewing out of me. I went to bed that night and felt separated from God. Why would He ever want me for a daughter? I'm not really a Christian. It's all a front. How could I be a Christian and be hateful, evil, bratty and selfish? The next morning I was disappointed in myself. Thank you, Lord because if I had felt like I was in the right, then Satan would have been winning my heart. I knew my actions were wrong. I knew there might be some truth to what I was feeling but my reaction was not good. But thank God I knew this because I'm marked as the Lord's child. I reject Satan as my cheerleader. Maybe Satan wins with me too often but he doesn't win me over. The Holy Spirit struggles inside but wins out in the end. It wins out so I can face my mistakes and know I was wrong instead of thinking I own the world.
Tuesday night, my roommate looked at me. "Holl, that stuff on your chin...those aren't zits." I became anxious. "What do you mean?" "Well, they aren't going away and they don't look like zits anymore." The next day, I called my dermatologist. I also googled some skin irregularities. I realized the sores on my chin were not getting better.
I went to bed Wednesday night and picked up the book I'm reading. This book is about end times and as I read the following, horror struck me:
"They [followers of the anti-christ] are suffering. Soon they will be as bad off as poor Mr. Forunato, who must be miserable almost unto death by now. How utterly ingenious for our Lord to plant in someone's mind the brilliance of having the GC personnel go first yesterday. They received the mark of the beast; then they worshiped his image. And now they are victims of Revelation 16:1-2."
"The plague of boils!" Buck whispered.
My heart almost leapt from my body. Plague of boils? Was I getting boils? I got to the end of the chapter:
"Ask him [the anti-christ] if he would like his medical staff to try to treat your boils and carbuncles with water that has turned to blood."
Um...shit. Why would I figure out that my little pimple problem was actually something more....and the SAME DAY read THIS in my book? I could have been on any book in the series. I could have been on any chapter. The coincidence was too strong for me. I went to my dermatologist.
"It started as a zit," I told her
"And you picked it?" she asked.
"Um...yeah...guess I couldn't leave well enough alone."
"You have impetigo," she explained. "Mostly, kids and athletes such as wrestlers get it."
"And followers of the anti-christ," I thought to myself.
"All people have bacteria that lives on our skin," my doctor explained. "Yours must have been a serious strain of bacteria you picked up from somewhere. You have a staph infection in your skin."
"And....I'm going to hell," I wanted to tell her. Was this impetigo a punishment? Was it a side effect of me stressing about too much and playing God? Was God rejecting me? Had Satan won me over? Was I marked by the beast?!!? All of these thoughts were fleeting as I started my anti-biotic.
"So, God, are you trying to teach me how to be humble by having sores on my face? By having to wear a band-aid on my chin? This is a wonderful lesson," I thought and I put my ointment on. Peace entered my heart. Sometimes I forget I'm still a new Christian. I get freaked out the way little kids get freaked out over the smallest issues. But, as a friend reminded me today, I'm sealed with the Holy Spirit. And when an issue arises in life, don't pick and pick at it because it will turn into impetigo.
"How did it start?" she asked. My mind flew in a million different directions. How did all of this start?
It could have started last fall when I went through all that crazy stuff. But it may have started somewhere when I was young, insecurities I developed somehow. We all develop these little personality traits somewhere in our history. Who could really pinpoint when it all started?
Since last September, I've been facing several trials. I chose many different tactics during the trials. Denial. Anger. Reflection. Honesty. Regret. Sinful nature. I tried to handle it the best way I could but relying on my own understanding, I left my God out of the whole mix. That crazy God...He never left me.
There has been a lot of pain and struggle getting through the events of the past 6 months. God has equipped me with close friends, people I didn't have in my life a year ago. But my insecurities which stem from who knows where, cause me to play God and try to turn events to my advantage. I love my peeps. I share them with the world. They are not solely mine. Is anything? Is that a selfish behavior to have? Wanting something that is your own? I still struggle with selfish and self-less. But at least I'm struggling. At least I'm not giving in to the selfish. I almost did last week.
I felt so wicked. I felt rage. I was actually consumed with hate. Could not believe the evil spewing out of me. I went to bed that night and felt separated from God. Why would He ever want me for a daughter? I'm not really a Christian. It's all a front. How could I be a Christian and be hateful, evil, bratty and selfish? The next morning I was disappointed in myself. Thank you, Lord because if I had felt like I was in the right, then Satan would have been winning my heart. I knew my actions were wrong. I knew there might be some truth to what I was feeling but my reaction was not good. But thank God I knew this because I'm marked as the Lord's child. I reject Satan as my cheerleader. Maybe Satan wins with me too often but he doesn't win me over. The Holy Spirit struggles inside but wins out in the end. It wins out so I can face my mistakes and know I was wrong instead of thinking I own the world.
Tuesday night, my roommate looked at me. "Holl, that stuff on your chin...those aren't zits." I became anxious. "What do you mean?" "Well, they aren't going away and they don't look like zits anymore." The next day, I called my dermatologist. I also googled some skin irregularities. I realized the sores on my chin were not getting better.
I went to bed Wednesday night and picked up the book I'm reading. This book is about end times and as I read the following, horror struck me:
"They [followers of the anti-christ] are suffering. Soon they will be as bad off as poor Mr. Forunato, who must be miserable almost unto death by now. How utterly ingenious for our Lord to plant in someone's mind the brilliance of having the GC personnel go first yesterday. They received the mark of the beast; then they worshiped his image. And now they are victims of Revelation 16:1-2."
"The plague of boils!" Buck whispered.
My heart almost leapt from my body. Plague of boils? Was I getting boils? I got to the end of the chapter:
"Ask him [the anti-christ] if he would like his medical staff to try to treat your boils and carbuncles with water that has turned to blood."
Um...shit. Why would I figure out that my little pimple problem was actually something more....and the SAME DAY read THIS in my book? I could have been on any book in the series. I could have been on any chapter. The coincidence was too strong for me. I went to my dermatologist.
"It started as a zit," I told her
"And you picked it?" she asked.
"Um...yeah...guess I couldn't leave well enough alone."
"You have impetigo," she explained. "Mostly, kids and athletes such as wrestlers get it."
"And followers of the anti-christ," I thought to myself.
"All people have bacteria that lives on our skin," my doctor explained. "Yours must have been a serious strain of bacteria you picked up from somewhere. You have a staph infection in your skin."
"And....I'm going to hell," I wanted to tell her. Was this impetigo a punishment? Was it a side effect of me stressing about too much and playing God? Was God rejecting me? Had Satan won me over? Was I marked by the beast?!!? All of these thoughts were fleeting as I started my anti-biotic.
"So, God, are you trying to teach me how to be humble by having sores on my face? By having to wear a band-aid on my chin? This is a wonderful lesson," I thought and I put my ointment on. Peace entered my heart. Sometimes I forget I'm still a new Christian. I get freaked out the way little kids get freaked out over the smallest issues. But, as a friend reminded me today, I'm sealed with the Holy Spirit. And when an issue arises in life, don't pick and pick at it because it will turn into impetigo.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
Roll Call 2006
It's time again for the annual roll call (something I copied from Noel last year). So....brave friends and the skulkers (even those I didn't invite--now's your chance to step up), please let me know the following:
Your name
Your home base
Your handle/blog name/nickname
Do you have a nickname for me?
Do I know you call me that?
Let me know a movie/song/tv show your embarrassed to admit you love.
Now...don't be afraid to comment....we're among friends here....
Your name
Your home base
Your handle/blog name/nickname
Do you have a nickname for me?
Do I know you call me that?
Let me know a movie/song/tv show your embarrassed to admit you love.
Now...don't be afraid to comment....we're among friends here....
Twice now I've had to take JAC into Sparrow for some type of procedure where they knock him out. The first time was in July 2003 when he had sinus surgry. They really put him under that time and he had difficulty coming out of it. There was a mentally impaired man in the recovery room who was really loud. JAC was sleeping it off but suddenly, he sat up and yelled, "shut the f--k up!" Then he threw up. This time wasn't as bad. They called his dad and I back to the recovery room and JAC opened his eyes a bit. He mumbled something we couldn't understand so we gave him some water.
Denny: Now you've seen Joey at his worst and his finest.
Me: What is his finest?
JAC (mumbling): Baby, you're my finest (pause)...when did you get here?
Me: I brought you here. Want another drink?
JAC: I haven't had anything to drink.
Me: ok
Today has consisted of JAC sleeping and asking the same questions over and over (a side-effect of the meds). It's kind of funny because he was acting drunk. I made him toast when we got back to his house. JAC said, "Hol, look at this!" I turned to see Chessie licking butter out of a bowl. "Joey! That's not funny!" It was funny because he couldn't discern right from wrong. Can't wait for the Tommy John's surgery. I'll invite y'all over to mess with his mind.
Denny: Now you've seen Joey at his worst and his finest.
Me: What is his finest?
JAC (mumbling): Baby, you're my finest (pause)...when did you get here?
Me: I brought you here. Want another drink?
JAC: I haven't had anything to drink.
Me: ok
Today has consisted of JAC sleeping and asking the same questions over and over (a side-effect of the meds). It's kind of funny because he was acting drunk. I made him toast when we got back to his house. JAC said, "Hol, look at this!" I turned to see Chessie licking butter out of a bowl. "Joey! That's not funny!" It was funny because he couldn't discern right from wrong. Can't wait for the Tommy John's surgery. I'll invite y'all over to mess with his mind.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The Anatomy of a Trip and Fall
I have a little story for you. A story told in pictures. Is it that this was too funny not to post...or we just have too much time on our hands? You decide.
Friday, January 13, 2006
S.H.A.P.E. Update
Sooo...no one mentioned how good I am at playing guitar or my bow staff skills. I appreciate your feedback on talents. Really, I do.
Crazy thing: sometimes God is loud. Sometimes He screams at me. The day after I wrote the SHAPE entry, I went to Riv and found out they are offering a class to help you discover your SHAPE. Weird coincidence. Later that night, I was taking an online survey from Yi's site and one of the questions asked if you knew what the spiritual gifts were that God has given you. Hmmmm....
Crazy thing: sometimes God is loud. Sometimes He screams at me. The day after I wrote the SHAPE entry, I went to Riv and found out they are offering a class to help you discover your SHAPE. Weird coincidence. Later that night, I was taking an online survey from Yi's site and one of the questions asked if you knew what the spiritual gifts were that God has given you. Hmmmm....
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Saturday, January 07, 2006
S.H.A.P.E.
In our Wednesday PDL group, we are discussing the SHAPE God gives to us. Not our physical shape but the spiritual gifts we have which our unique. It is easy to say, "I don't have any," but trust that God would not give them to everyone else and not you, loser. That was mean. Sorry. I want to figure out the things I'm good at doing. I want to use them to serve Christ. I want to somehow make a career out of it or at least gear my gifts to a potential job. I'm doing the best I can where I'm at now but I'm getting the tap on the shoulder: time to go...really now.
Here is my question to you, Loki22 blog reader: can you help me to identify areas you think I do well in? This is not my way of fishing for compliments. This is my way of asking those around me where they notice I excel or do well. Perhaps you don't have anything to offer but can tell me what I should stay away from (singing teacher, coupon making, leadership). Please help me (insert name here)...you're my only hope.
Here is my question to you, Loki22 blog reader: can you help me to identify areas you think I do well in? This is not my way of fishing for compliments. This is my way of asking those around me where they notice I excel or do well. Perhaps you don't have anything to offer but can tell me what I should stay away from (singing teacher, coupon making, leadership). Please help me (insert name here)...you're my only hope.
Now I really did it...
I'm pet sitting...I guess. I'm at JAC's and two puppies are sleeping at my feet. I can't get around them. Trapped again. The roads are better but JAC's driveway is not. I went to close the gate to let Cain and Titan run around...but part of the gate came right off the hinge and started to fall on top of me. All I could think was, "now I really did it...I broke Joey's gate." I struggled under the weight of the thing. The ice under my feet didn't help. It must have been funny to see. I finally got a board underneath to steady it.
Came inside. Joey's fish was floating in the water. Grrrrr...
I hope the salt trucks have the roads under control soon. I'm starving. Anyone want me to pet sit for them?
Came inside. Joey's fish was floating in the water. Grrrrr...
I hope the salt trucks have the roads under control soon. I'm starving. Anyone want me to pet sit for them?
Bad Day
I'm cleaning house a bit today on my blog and going through drafts I never posted. I wrote this on 2/14/05.
It is difficult to admit this happened...but it did. I had a rough day this weekend. I was challenged in a big way and I fell. I was quickly reminded about a line I have to draw. It is not a line regarding sexuality or drinking. It is a line of what I can expose myself to as a fairly new Christ Follower.The wise know and understand the truth. Yes, they seek more wisdom but having a firm perspective and knowing the Bible makes them less susciptible to controvery. They walk into a fire, they leave unscathed because they hold on to what they've learned. Throw a new believer in the fire, chances are they will get burned unless someone brings them out of it.
I saw the book sitting out and I read one page. It was a book which explains the Da Vinci Code. I thought it was the book which disproved the Da Vinci Code. Nope. One page was all it took to make my head spin. Immiediatly, I went to my Bible and tried to look for answers to some crazy theory I just read. I didn't find anything. Tired, I took a nap.
Upon waking an hour later, I felt so cold and alone. It was almost like I could feel my own mortality...the fact that I wouldn't always be alive. But the feeling of just complete lonliness pressed my heart."What in the hell was I doing? What was this religiousy crap I was buying into? And God? Give me a break. It's like Santa Claus and I'll never know because there is no God...there is no God? Is there a God? Have I been brainwashed? What is happening?"I seriously panicked. Lost. Confused. Sick. Anger. Tears. Shame.
Every new Christian should have a sponser of some sort. So I called mine, JAC. But I was evil and spoke evil. All of this anger was just building inside of me. The sponsor picked me up and we started driving out to Charlotte to see some friends. We got as far as the high school when I got a call from my sister that my car was blocking her in. We turned around and went back. As we left for the second time, I said, "maybe we weren't supposed to go to Charlotte tonight. Let's go to 2 Feathers. I've never been."So we went. And the Holt Wrestling Coaches were there. And they were so happy to see us. They invited us in and we ended up laughing a lot. And it was purely coincedence, right? I finally admitted why I was tripping out so bad. My sponsor listened paitently and said some things I took to heart.
I feel okay right now. It's almost like after a fight when you feel a little sensitive around the person who hurt you or who you hurt. God didn't hurt me but I still feel a little shaky. I suppose this happens to people without wisdom and knowledge. I'm quickly trying to gain some but it could take my whole life. What am I supposed to do in the meantime?Listen to my own stupid advice. I mean, look at what I had written the day before about turning God on and off? How He is always there. It is so hard to follow advice whether it is your own or another humans. Anyhow, all is good now. I got back up but feel the limp a little. It will heal. Damn that satan, too. He's a tricky-you-know-what.
It is difficult to admit this happened...but it did. I had a rough day this weekend. I was challenged in a big way and I fell. I was quickly reminded about a line I have to draw. It is not a line regarding sexuality or drinking. It is a line of what I can expose myself to as a fairly new Christ Follower.The wise know and understand the truth. Yes, they seek more wisdom but having a firm perspective and knowing the Bible makes them less susciptible to controvery. They walk into a fire, they leave unscathed because they hold on to what they've learned. Throw a new believer in the fire, chances are they will get burned unless someone brings them out of it.
I saw the book sitting out and I read one page. It was a book which explains the Da Vinci Code. I thought it was the book which disproved the Da Vinci Code. Nope. One page was all it took to make my head spin. Immiediatly, I went to my Bible and tried to look for answers to some crazy theory I just read. I didn't find anything. Tired, I took a nap.
Upon waking an hour later, I felt so cold and alone. It was almost like I could feel my own mortality...the fact that I wouldn't always be alive. But the feeling of just complete lonliness pressed my heart."What in the hell was I doing? What was this religiousy crap I was buying into? And God? Give me a break. It's like Santa Claus and I'll never know because there is no God...there is no God? Is there a God? Have I been brainwashed? What is happening?"I seriously panicked. Lost. Confused. Sick. Anger. Tears. Shame.
Every new Christian should have a sponser of some sort. So I called mine, JAC. But I was evil and spoke evil. All of this anger was just building inside of me. The sponsor picked me up and we started driving out to Charlotte to see some friends. We got as far as the high school when I got a call from my sister that my car was blocking her in. We turned around and went back. As we left for the second time, I said, "maybe we weren't supposed to go to Charlotte tonight. Let's go to 2 Feathers. I've never been."So we went. And the Holt Wrestling Coaches were there. And they were so happy to see us. They invited us in and we ended up laughing a lot. And it was purely coincedence, right? I finally admitted why I was tripping out so bad. My sponsor listened paitently and said some things I took to heart.
I feel okay right now. It's almost like after a fight when you feel a little sensitive around the person who hurt you or who you hurt. God didn't hurt me but I still feel a little shaky. I suppose this happens to people without wisdom and knowledge. I'm quickly trying to gain some but it could take my whole life. What am I supposed to do in the meantime?Listen to my own stupid advice. I mean, look at what I had written the day before about turning God on and off? How He is always there. It is so hard to follow advice whether it is your own or another humans. Anyhow, all is good now. I got back up but feel the limp a little. It will heal. Damn that satan, too. He's a tricky-you-know-what.
Trapped
I woke up to phone calls telling me not to leave the house. The roads are ice. I-94 has reported 13 accidents. Ingham county: 30. A woman was killed on 127 North near the Cedar Street exit in Mason. Damn. It is all so close to home. I was just on these roads last night totally not aware of the coming weather. It's silly to think, when will my luck run out? I don't believe in luck but I still say that in my head sometimes.
I went outside to get a bag from my car and as soon as my feet hit the pavement, I slipped. Didn't fall but did skate to the Ion. My car was covered in ice but not frozen. Everything looks so normal. Joey's warning to me was, "it might look fine outside but it isn't." He got up really early for a wrestling tournament at Sexton. He still wasn't there an hour after he left. I heard the panic in his voice. "Holl, there was a fatality...in Mason. Don't leave the house." I used to see this part of him as an over-reaction... But more and more, I see the genuine concern for my safety and how just thinking about me being on the road was causing him anxiety.
Two winters ago, I made a dumb decision to drive to Lansing at midnight one Friday. I was doing almost 80 on I-96 with the cruise control on. When I neared Brighton, I noticed a car...two cars...now three cars had gone off the road. On the opposite side of the freeway, ambulances, tow trucks, police. "What's going on?" I asked myself. Hello? Ice. I immediately freaked out, took myself off cruise and slowed to 10 mph....not braking, of course. I got off at the Grand River exit and took backroads all the way to Lansing. Not a bright idea either but no one was rushing past me. I called JAC and asked him, "I was being so stupid. I was speeding on an icy road? I should have been in the ditch with the rest. Why not? Why not me?" "Because it wasn't your lesson to learn today by going in the ditch. I don't know why but it just wasn't." Don't get me wrong. I do not think that because I am saved, I will be protected from the elements. There IS a lot I'm protected from but not the elements of this earth. I guess it just wasn't in my storyline to go in the ditch but my story is still playing out.
And now I see how hurricanes and earthquakes are dangerous because if we here in the Lansing-Jackson area risk driving today, we may be hurt or killed. Of course, you risk that anywhere or anytime but the stakes are a lot higher today. Still, I'm safe inside the house. It won't blow away or fall inside the earth.
Problem #1....there isn't any food. This might be bad after all....of course, I can work on my res. and there's always blogging....
I went outside to get a bag from my car and as soon as my feet hit the pavement, I slipped. Didn't fall but did skate to the Ion. My car was covered in ice but not frozen. Everything looks so normal. Joey's warning to me was, "it might look fine outside but it isn't." He got up really early for a wrestling tournament at Sexton. He still wasn't there an hour after he left. I heard the panic in his voice. "Holl, there was a fatality...in Mason. Don't leave the house." I used to see this part of him as an over-reaction... But more and more, I see the genuine concern for my safety and how just thinking about me being on the road was causing him anxiety.
Two winters ago, I made a dumb decision to drive to Lansing at midnight one Friday. I was doing almost 80 on I-96 with the cruise control on. When I neared Brighton, I noticed a car...two cars...now three cars had gone off the road. On the opposite side of the freeway, ambulances, tow trucks, police. "What's going on?" I asked myself. Hello? Ice. I immediately freaked out, took myself off cruise and slowed to 10 mph....not braking, of course. I got off at the Grand River exit and took backroads all the way to Lansing. Not a bright idea either but no one was rushing past me. I called JAC and asked him, "I was being so stupid. I was speeding on an icy road? I should have been in the ditch with the rest. Why not? Why not me?" "Because it wasn't your lesson to learn today by going in the ditch. I don't know why but it just wasn't." Don't get me wrong. I do not think that because I am saved, I will be protected from the elements. There IS a lot I'm protected from but not the elements of this earth. I guess it just wasn't in my storyline to go in the ditch but my story is still playing out.
And now I see how hurricanes and earthquakes are dangerous because if we here in the Lansing-Jackson area risk driving today, we may be hurt or killed. Of course, you risk that anywhere or anytime but the stakes are a lot higher today. Still, I'm safe inside the house. It won't blow away or fall inside the earth.
Problem #1....there isn't any food. This might be bad after all....of course, I can work on my res. and there's always blogging....
Friday, January 06, 2006
“There is a reason I wanted to tell you that story,” Albie said. “Not just because I want to persuade you, which I do. Those among us who have found the truth long for everyone else to have it. But it was because of what you said about yourself. You said Dr. Ben-Judah was one who loved the unlovable. He does, of course. This is a Christlike quality, a Jesus characteristic. But then you referred to yourself as unlovable, and I identified with you.
“But more than that, Ms. Durham, if I may use a phrase of Dr. Ben-Judah’s. Often he will say that this or that truth ‘gives the lie’ to certain false claims. Have you heard him say that, and do you know what it means?”
She nodded.
“Well, it applies to you, dear woman. I have just met you, and yet God has given me a love for you. Rayford and his family and friends speak of you and their love for you. That gives the lie to your claim that you are unlovable.”
“They shouldn’t love me,” she said, just above a whisper.
“Of course they shouldn’t. You know yourself. You know your selfishness, your sin. God should not love us either, and yet he does. And it is only because of him that we can love each other. There is no human explanation for it.”
The Mark from the crappy “Left Behind” series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins
You know, I don't get it. If I knew me, I'm not so sure I would want to be my friend. Not that I'm a horrible friend...I feel like if people knew the person I really am sometimes, they wouldn't want to know me. That makes it sound like I have a bunch of shallow friends...or I live a duplicitas life. Naw...sometimes things just go through my head...
And then there is God...
I have been so strong in my faith only to turn my back on Him. If I were God, I wouldn't want to forgive me. But I'm not God...and God isn't human...and then there's Christ which is the reason I can be forgiven.
Did you screw up? I know I have. Not talking to God much right now? At all? Been there. You can come back, you know. Anytime. He's waiting for you, you know. Maybe your best friend would never forgive you for how you've behaved...but He will. How can you not love Him with all your heart? I wish I knew the answer to that one, too.
“But more than that, Ms. Durham, if I may use a phrase of Dr. Ben-Judah’s. Often he will say that this or that truth ‘gives the lie’ to certain false claims. Have you heard him say that, and do you know what it means?”
She nodded.
“Well, it applies to you, dear woman. I have just met you, and yet God has given me a love for you. Rayford and his family and friends speak of you and their love for you. That gives the lie to your claim that you are unlovable.”
“They shouldn’t love me,” she said, just above a whisper.
“Of course they shouldn’t. You know yourself. You know your selfishness, your sin. God should not love us either, and yet he does. And it is only because of him that we can love each other. There is no human explanation for it.”
The Mark from the crappy “Left Behind” series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins
You know, I don't get it. If I knew me, I'm not so sure I would want to be my friend. Not that I'm a horrible friend...I feel like if people knew the person I really am sometimes, they wouldn't want to know me. That makes it sound like I have a bunch of shallow friends...or I live a duplicitas life. Naw...sometimes things just go through my head...
And then there is God...
I have been so strong in my faith only to turn my back on Him. If I were God, I wouldn't want to forgive me. But I'm not God...and God isn't human...and then there's Christ which is the reason I can be forgiven.
Did you screw up? I know I have. Not talking to God much right now? At all? Been there. You can come back, you know. Anytime. He's waiting for you, you know. Maybe your best friend would never forgive you for how you've behaved...but He will. How can you not love Him with all your heart? I wish I knew the answer to that one, too.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Monday, January 02, 2006
2 sides
There are two sides to every story. Only God knows the truth because even when we tell our own side of things, we have tainted it with our preceptions, our hurts, our view points....what we thought we were hearing, what we thought to be true. Still, when I hear someone tell me their hurts, I wonder about that other side. Would it complete the picture if I knew? I continue to be amazed when it comes to these kinds of issues. Yes, I want my side to be known but really, even if it were told, it is still my view...my truth...not the complete picture. Will we only see the complete story in heaven? Will our eyes be opened to everything we misunderstood? Seek first to understand and then be understood. Yeah. That's the ticket. I wish it really worked that way instead of us screaming about our own perceptions. "No, you shut it and listen to me and my hurts first!" This will be my resolution...to try to really understand first before flying off the handle about things that don't really matter anyhow.
2005 In Review
This year started with me being so sure of myself. I had everything all figured out. God had some other plans, too. My little 2005 recap:
- There wasn't a big party for my birthday, just my closest friends and family. I was fine with it, too. I actually received a huge present from God: an invitation to go on a mission trip for Him. I accepted.
- I couldn't decide where I needed to be: Lansing, Mason, Detroit? I kept trying to figure out my feelings and the right thing to do. More confusion.
- I became closer to my pastor, his wife and some other people at Riv...because of this blog.
- I was baptized by Steve and Noel and most of my family and friends came. It was probably the best feeling I had this year.
- Do I even need to talk about the worst feeling from this year (see posts between October and November)?
- I went to Germany. The girl that would never fly over the ocean took a huge leap of faith and let the Lord lead her. But was God leading her to the mission work....or back to something she thought was over. Still not sure about that one :o)
- I met some of the most amazing people this year and have become better friends with them. This was another outcome of the mission trip...to finally have a closeness with other Rivites.
- I continued to work with Riv Kids and God kept leading me to serve and help. I thought about leaving my church, the first church I've ever really had, but I the church wouldn't let me. Either would Suz :o)
- I took another leap of faith and listened to my heart on something that could really blow up in my face. We'll see....
So...2006 hasn't started off too great but I hope the fog is gone now. I pray hearts can heal and God will continue to bless all of us. This is a big year for me, I know. Yes, I turn 30. I'm actually excited about it. I was thinking about how much better I like myself at this age than I did when I was 20...or 22...or 25. You truly do get better with age if you allow God to give you wisdom. Bring it on, 2006. I'm ready.
Sugar...we're going down swinging
JAC: Hey...
Me: What?
JAC: Hey...
Me:Yeah?
JAC: Hey...is the first step to horse poo.
Me: Oh no.....
My Christmas break....could have been better. There is a lot to figure out, a lot to work through. I'm insane to still be sitting here wanting to. I know a lot of people praying and some people thinking about the biggest mistake ever. It was something I had to revisit, though.
Got that digital camera I've wanted for years. No more disposables :o) I also got a chance to spend lots o' time with friends and family I don't always get to see. I always miss this time of year once its gone but now, we're looking at 2006 and all it has to bring. I pray it brings more happiness, less drama. I just want to be happy but I need to listen to God and not shy away from lessons He needs me to learn.
Me: What?
JAC: Hey...
Me:Yeah?
JAC: Hey...is the first step to horse poo.
Me: Oh no.....
My Christmas break....could have been better. There is a lot to figure out, a lot to work through. I'm insane to still be sitting here wanting to. I know a lot of people praying and some people thinking about the biggest mistake ever. It was something I had to revisit, though.
Got that digital camera I've wanted for years. No more disposables :o) I also got a chance to spend lots o' time with friends and family I don't always get to see. I always miss this time of year once its gone but now, we're looking at 2006 and all it has to bring. I pray it brings more happiness, less drama. I just want to be happy but I need to listen to God and not shy away from lessons He needs me to learn.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
I have to write about this: I'm really frustrating. Really. I don't know what it is about my personality but things just shut down when I feel out of control...when things are spinning out of control and emotions are getting high, I tend to start shutting down. This is frustrating. But I'm amazed at what God has done to try to get me to work through this issue. I'm also amazed at the guy who wants to work through my issues with me...work through our issues together. We aren't always selfless, but he tends to bring me back to a place I want to be. Even now, after I have frustrated people to no end, he is making my favorite dinner...just to see me smile. This is all new again....and frustrating again...and meaningful again. Now...I leave you to go assist in the dinner making process...yes....dinner at almost 10:00 p.m.
Happy New Year!!! Eric just accused me of looking at porn. This would not be a true statement. Question for you: do you pop the cork before midnight or at midnight? We seem to be in disagreement here at this par-tay. Any thoughts?
Anyhow, much love to my two readers. Oh, and to my new reader, too.
xo,
HMB
Anyhow, much love to my two readers. Oh, and to my new reader, too.
xo,
HMB
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Me: My life sucks.
Step-dad: Why?
Me: You know...this and that (though I was more specific).
Step: Is that your whole life?
Me: Well...no...but my job sucks, too. I just found out I'm going to be 4,000 pieces short on a job and I know they'll somehow blame it on me.
Step: So what's the worst that could happen?
Me: I get fired!
Step: So....you get fired from a job you don't really like...is that the worst thing?
Me: I wouldn't be able to afford anything.
Step: So....you have to move back home for a little while and find a new job....is that the worst thing?
Me: I guess not.
Step: You know what I think the worst thing would be?
Me: What?
Step: Falling out of favor with God.
Me: (speechless)
Step: I think we just need to do the best we can and rely on him. But I can't wait for the day when I get to heaven and God says, "you did a good job. Come be my friend." How could you ever live here without Him? That, to me, would be the worst thing that could happen.
Me: Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Step-dad: Why?
Me: You know...this and that (though I was more specific).
Step: Is that your whole life?
Me: Well...no...but my job sucks, too. I just found out I'm going to be 4,000 pieces short on a job and I know they'll somehow blame it on me.
Step: So what's the worst that could happen?
Me: I get fired!
Step: So....you get fired from a job you don't really like...is that the worst thing?
Me: I wouldn't be able to afford anything.
Step: So....you have to move back home for a little while and find a new job....is that the worst thing?
Me: I guess not.
Step: You know what I think the worst thing would be?
Me: What?
Step: Falling out of favor with God.
Me: (speechless)
Step: I think we just need to do the best we can and rely on him. But I can't wait for the day when I get to heaven and God says, "you did a good job. Come be my friend." How could you ever live here without Him? That, to me, would be the worst thing that could happen.
Me: Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
I went to a funeral yesterday. It wasn't anyone I was close to but someone I knew and had maybe met a few times in my life. She was my grandfather's sister...my great aunt...Pat Head. Yes, that was her name. Patricia Ann Pelham...later Head. She was a strong woman...went to Western Michigan to be a schoolteacher. She would take the bus to Kalamazoo from Jackson. On one such trip, she met a hung over soilder. He was stationed at Fort Custer in Battle Creek but he and his buddies had gone to Jackson for some fun. Half of the group left the same night. The other two guys decided to sleep off their fun and take the Greyhound back the next morning. One of these dudes sat next to Pat on the bus. They were married for 53 years. Crazy.
It seemed strange to be at a funeral of someone I just kind of knew. I definitely felt a lost connection to my past with the stories she knew or the family history only she could retell. I missed my grandfather, too. When his younger brother got up to give a speech, he did so just like grandpa would have...all of the pauses...the punch lines...the words...the tone. I guess this life is about things like this and my time is to be young...but I soak up what could be passed on. The probably makes no sense, so I'm going to bed now.
It seemed strange to be at a funeral of someone I just kind of knew. I definitely felt a lost connection to my past with the stories she knew or the family history only she could retell. I missed my grandfather, too. When his younger brother got up to give a speech, he did so just like grandpa would have...all of the pauses...the punch lines...the words...the tone. I guess this life is about things like this and my time is to be young...but I soak up what could be passed on. The probably makes no sense, so I'm going to bed now.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Lucky you. I'm SO in the mood to blog.
It is so cool how God talks to me. He will start making things really obvious. Here is what I'm talking about. The other morning I was on my way to work and flipping through the stations. I landed on the Christian station and listened as this song lifted me up and carried me away. My eyes filled with tears and I felt so close to God. I looked at the car next to me. They had a little Jesus fish on their van. I smiled even more even as the van cut me off. The sun was shining on me and as I passed the next car, they had a bumber sticker that said something about living for Jesus. All three signs, all at once.
Tonight was kind of like that, too. I left work on time and traveled down I-94 through Jackson. The sun had set and a bright star was smiling down on us. I smiled back and watched the purples and oranges fade to black. "Hi, God," I whispered. Then, a song came on the radio...it is one I listen to when I feel like nothing. It's called "More" and talks about how much more God loves us than anything else. Next, a car passed me with the license plate "IOUGOD". How cool, I thought. All three signs, all at once.
Okay, I'm tired now. Must go to bed....
It is so cool how God talks to me. He will start making things really obvious. Here is what I'm talking about. The other morning I was on my way to work and flipping through the stations. I landed on the Christian station and listened as this song lifted me up and carried me away. My eyes filled with tears and I felt so close to God. I looked at the car next to me. They had a little Jesus fish on their van. I smiled even more even as the van cut me off. The sun was shining on me and as I passed the next car, they had a bumber sticker that said something about living for Jesus. All three signs, all at once.
Tonight was kind of like that, too. I left work on time and traveled down I-94 through Jackson. The sun had set and a bright star was smiling down on us. I smiled back and watched the purples and oranges fade to black. "Hi, God," I whispered. Then, a song came on the radio...it is one I listen to when I feel like nothing. It's called "More" and talks about how much more God loves us than anything else. Next, a car passed me with the license plate "IOUGOD". How cool, I thought. All three signs, all at once.
Okay, I'm tired now. Must go to bed....
Happy Birthday, Grandma. You would have been 94 on 12/10. I remember visiting you the day this picture was taken. I was giving you your Christmas gifts: a sweater and some Bath & Body hand soap. You hated the sweater ("makes me look fat") and loved the soap (smells good). Go figure. I love you and miss you.
So....I haven't updated in a week. This frustrates me. I only have access to TWO blogs...this irritates me...and probably irritates the bloggers because I've all but moved onto their sites. Ah well. I got a camera phone and have posted some cool pictures. I think they are cool, anyhow. I guess you can take this as a warning...watch out when Holly comes walking toward you with phone in hand...
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Recurring Dreams
Since I was young, really young, I've had recurring dreams about tornados. The protagonist is the same and the conflict is the same...the scenario changes. I figured this out after documenting the dreams in college. When things were getting really stressful in my life, I would dream about the tornados. The conflict is I can never find a place to hide. I'll dig a ditch that isn't deep enough, I'll go into a basement full of windows, I'll be driving in a car knowing the storm is closing in on me.... I always make it out a life but the terror of it stays with me through the day.
I have a new recurring dream, though the tornado one is still present (I had one last week). In the new dreams, I climb up onto something which doesn't seem so high at first but when I go to get back down, I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't move. I'm helpless. I'm going to fall. These dreams are worse than the tornado ones. I'm acting in the tornado dreams. I'm running, seeking shelter, scared but not paralyzed. The other...well...can't do anything at all.
Any thoughts on this? Have any recurring dreams yourself?
I have a new recurring dream, though the tornado one is still present (I had one last week). In the new dreams, I climb up onto something which doesn't seem so high at first but when I go to get back down, I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't move. I'm helpless. I'm going to fall. These dreams are worse than the tornado ones. I'm acting in the tornado dreams. I'm running, seeking shelter, scared but not paralyzed. The other...well...can't do anything at all.
Any thoughts on this? Have any recurring dreams yourself?
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Black Friday Wins Again
Yes, I enjoy a deal. And yes, I like the thrill of the hunt early Black Friday morning. But I have this friend...who will remain nameless....no he won't....JAC loves Black Friday.
Him: Coming over to plan out our strategy?
Me: Yes.
Him: Don't forget the ads.
So I show up after two Thanksgiving dinners with my arms full of ads for stuff I don't need.
Him: You know...Compusa opens at 11:59. That's in two hours.
Me: I don't know. I'm really tired. There wasn't a lot I wanted.
Him: Come on. We've got to.
So, I found myself riding along on some sort of suicide mission. I thought I heard the Imperial March playing somewhere in the distance...naw....couldn't be. I laughed at the line. No way am I getting out and standing in the cold for 10 minutes. Oops. Wrong again. We were about 150 people back and they finally open the doors just before my face goes numb. JAC and I shop for about 30 minutes. I picked up some printable DVDs, clipart software, and a wireless mouse. JAC has his wireless keyboard and mouse but (sigh) no Bluetooth thingy-ma-bob that I still don't understand.
We were pretty happy and despite the redneck guy pushing the Asian guy, the crowd seemed pretty tame. We got in line with our goodies....and stood there....not moving...for oh....15 minutes. No worries, folks. After all, there's a lot of people and we can all just take our turn to check out. But then, well, things didn't seem to be moving at all. An hour later, we had only moved a couple of feet....if that. I decided to go investigate.
Four open registers. Four flipping registers were open. Are you kidding me? There were 500+ people in the store and only four flipping registers were open. One of them, register #5, was broken.
I tried to be cheerful. "At least we're warm." "At least we have the money to buy this crap." "At least we got a good deal." But by the time hour #2 rolled around, my patience was spent. I was sitting on the floor trying to think of something to be thankful for but man, I was tired. We pleaded with the management to do something. They laughed at us. Some people threw their baskets of essentials at the management and walked out. We applauded them for "sticking it to the big guy" and then ran to the basket to see what they left behind. Scavengers.
I was downright insane when 3:00 rolled around. The line inched slowly to the register #4. We were so close... Then, some lady had a problem with her credit card and while she was checking out, took a 20 minute phone conversation with the credit card company. I had had it. F-bombs started flying out of my little, Christ following mouth. All the while, register #5 mocked us.
We left at 3:30 a.m. I was spent. JAC thought we should just head over to Best Buy. I looked at him with a growl. "Okay....time to take you home." I wanted a bagel though so we headed to Meijer. Their sale was going to start at 5...which was in an hour. I was blindly led around the store while my friend searched under the covered sale merchandise. Finally, around 5 am, my head hit the pillow. I missed the rest of Black Friday but clearly, it had won.
Him: Coming over to plan out our strategy?
Me: Yes.
Him: Don't forget the ads.
So I show up after two Thanksgiving dinners with my arms full of ads for stuff I don't need.
Him: You know...Compusa opens at 11:59. That's in two hours.
Me: I don't know. I'm really tired. There wasn't a lot I wanted.
Him: Come on. We've got to.
So, I found myself riding along on some sort of suicide mission. I thought I heard the Imperial March playing somewhere in the distance...naw....couldn't be. I laughed at the line. No way am I getting out and standing in the cold for 10 minutes. Oops. Wrong again. We were about 150 people back and they finally open the doors just before my face goes numb. JAC and I shop for about 30 minutes. I picked up some printable DVDs, clipart software, and a wireless mouse. JAC has his wireless keyboard and mouse but (sigh) no Bluetooth thingy-ma-bob that I still don't understand.
We were pretty happy and despite the redneck guy pushing the Asian guy, the crowd seemed pretty tame. We got in line with our goodies....and stood there....not moving...for oh....15 minutes. No worries, folks. After all, there's a lot of people and we can all just take our turn to check out. But then, well, things didn't seem to be moving at all. An hour later, we had only moved a couple of feet....if that. I decided to go investigate.
Four open registers. Four flipping registers were open. Are you kidding me? There were 500+ people in the store and only four flipping registers were open. One of them, register #5, was broken.
I tried to be cheerful. "At least we're warm." "At least we have the money to buy this crap." "At least we got a good deal." But by the time hour #2 rolled around, my patience was spent. I was sitting on the floor trying to think of something to be thankful for but man, I was tired. We pleaded with the management to do something. They laughed at us. Some people threw their baskets of essentials at the management and walked out. We applauded them for "sticking it to the big guy" and then ran to the basket to see what they left behind. Scavengers.
I was downright insane when 3:00 rolled around. The line inched slowly to the register #4. We were so close... Then, some lady had a problem with her credit card and while she was checking out, took a 20 minute phone conversation with the credit card company. I had had it. F-bombs started flying out of my little, Christ following mouth. All the while, register #5 mocked us.
We left at 3:30 a.m. I was spent. JAC thought we should just head over to Best Buy. I looked at him with a growl. "Okay....time to take you home." I wanted a bagel though so we headed to Meijer. Their sale was going to start at 5...which was in an hour. I was blindly led around the store while my friend searched under the covered sale merchandise. Finally, around 5 am, my head hit the pillow. I missed the rest of Black Friday but clearly, it had won.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Let me just tell you...I'm not complaining when I say it sucked driving 2.5 hours from Livonia to Lansing today....another statement, not complaint when I say at certain times it felt like I was going negative 4 mph....another statement, not complaint when I say....at least I wasn't in a ravine because it could have so easily been me. I feel bad for the people who did go off the road. I saw so many of them. Remember what happened last year at this time? Go back and look. Too sad to recap. I pray for his family still...as they acknowledge he's been gone a year. And for everyone else who is feeling a loss because a place at the Thanksgiving table is empty...my heart goes out to you. Joyful Thanksgiving, friends.
Just saw an interesting billboard while driving in downtown Lansing.
"got faith?" but then there's a water pipe with a wine glass underneath.
Me: okay. I don't get it. Is this about drinking? Do you have faith in drinking?
Friend: Hmmmm....its a water faucet.....with water coming out of it....but its turning to wine!
Me: (classic Christian response) Shit, that's cool.
"got faith?" but then there's a water pipe with a wine glass underneath.
Me: okay. I don't get it. Is this about drinking? Do you have faith in drinking?
Friend: Hmmmm....its a water faucet.....with water coming out of it....but its turning to wine!
Me: (classic Christian response) Shit, that's cool.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Bird Flu
Tornado warnings on Tuesday....Snow showers on Wednesday...and I'm fighting a cold. Grrrrr....
I'm glad my friends are looking out for me. Thanks, Kelly:
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Bird Flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
Dan, were these the symptoms you had?
I'm glad my friends are looking out for me. Thanks, Kelly:
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Bird Flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
Dan, were these the symptoms you had?
Walk The Line
I'm walking the line tonight. That's my final decision. I'll see Harry Potter soon enough but I need to see the other movie first. Can I have a prayer request? Thinks aren't well at work for anyone. Looking at major cutbacks for the end of the year. This is scary stuff. I feel like I'm ALREADY walking the line. Please pray for the employees here that if we do get let go before Christmas, God will give us strength to get through and still manage to provide our basic needs. How was that for good news?
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Random Thoughts
You have no idea how much I miss being able to check blogs and write in my own. Ah!!! But now I probably get more done which is what VAL wants and deserves. Now I have to go back to Laptop lunches...which I don't mind. Panera is packed today, though. When I walked through the door I was mobbed by a bunch of Livonia teachers. One of them even cut in front of me in line. I had to laugh. I wanted to say something like, "it's not nice to cut. I want you to write that on the board 400 times." Really, though I bet she wasn't paying attention. What's that line teachers always say...I need your undivided attention? I never understood that one until a couple years ago.
Things have calmed down in the past couple of days. My "undivided attention" has been focused on giving God my problems and let Him worry about them.
Friend: Does God worry?
Me: No...
Friend: But you're going to give Him your problems to worry about...?
Me: Well...since He doesn't worry, I don't have to, either.
I think I'm past the self pity stage. I'm also past the "intensely seeking Christian council" stage. This has benefited me more than anything else. I love it when people pray for me over the phone. I'm not good at it but I want to become better because it is so awesome. No one has condemned or judged me. They have listened, been empathetic and are willing to be soldiers with me during this spiritual battle. I feel so protected...like the prayers and love have wrapped around me and are keeping the demons at bay. And now...to be less dramatic....I'm coming out of the survival stage, too. Its been pretty shaky this week but the more focused I am on Christ, the more strength I have to continue. How could anyone get through this stuff without Him? It makes me sad. I find it fascinating that God is using me even now to help someone else going through it. Serving Him is what I want. Serving me ends up hurting me. Don't you just love trials? They teach us about ourselves, about God and how to serve others.
There is a song that came out last year. I heard it just before I walked into Panera. Tears came to my eyes as I smiled. My focus right now is to just be. God is working on my heart and helping me get better. I don't want to fall away from Him ever again.
And now...the song :)
Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens
The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes its toll down on my soul
Cause I know what I need in my life
Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You 'til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
The tears...ah...they are slowly going away. The exhaustion is being replaced by peace. Anxiety, almost gone. It's like I had the spiritual flu or something. Coming out of the dark and into the light...and only happy blogs now as they will be few and far between.
Now....do I get that Chai tea or not? Hmmmmm......
Things have calmed down in the past couple of days. My "undivided attention" has been focused on giving God my problems and let Him worry about them.
Friend: Does God worry?
Me: No...
Friend: But you're going to give Him your problems to worry about...?
Me: Well...since He doesn't worry, I don't have to, either.
I think I'm past the self pity stage. I'm also past the "intensely seeking Christian council" stage. This has benefited me more than anything else. I love it when people pray for me over the phone. I'm not good at it but I want to become better because it is so awesome. No one has condemned or judged me. They have listened, been empathetic and are willing to be soldiers with me during this spiritual battle. I feel so protected...like the prayers and love have wrapped around me and are keeping the demons at bay. And now...to be less dramatic....I'm coming out of the survival stage, too. Its been pretty shaky this week but the more focused I am on Christ, the more strength I have to continue. How could anyone get through this stuff without Him? It makes me sad. I find it fascinating that God is using me even now to help someone else going through it. Serving Him is what I want. Serving me ends up hurting me. Don't you just love trials? They teach us about ourselves, about God and how to serve others.
There is a song that came out last year. I heard it just before I walked into Panera. Tears came to my eyes as I smiled. My focus right now is to just be. God is working on my heart and helping me get better. I don't want to fall away from Him ever again.
And now...the song :)
Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens
The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes its toll down on my soul
Cause I know what I need in my life
Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You 'til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
The tears...ah...they are slowly going away. The exhaustion is being replaced by peace. Anxiety, almost gone. It's like I had the spiritual flu or something. Coming out of the dark and into the light...and only happy blogs now as they will be few and far between.
Now....do I get that Chai tea or not? Hmmmmm......
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