Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart. It’s holding me down today no matter how I try to lift it back up. I’m sad. However, I don’t think anyone would know if I didn’t tell them. I used to wear my heart out for everyone to read. Ha. Used to. What a joke. I still do. This is different, though. I know I need to be sad. I need to feel the pain I feel…but some of it I don’t.

There are two things going on simultaneously. The first is the worry I have for my dear friend. Yup. That’s right. I’m worried about this person. I love him to death but don’t get to speak to him much. I found out why last night when we finally spoke after months of silence on his end. This person had fallen back to his addictions. It’s crazy because I have not a clue what this person’s every day life must be like, fighting demons off constantly. During this two month silence, I never quit calling. I even started leaving messages for the baby. This person, although younger than me, has always sped ahead and lived life quickly. Sometimes, when I talk to him, I think I’m the one who is younger. I’m naivee. I’m sweet. I’m innocent. I don’t know about the “real world.” I don’t feel like this all the time. Only when I talk to this person. I even said, “look, I have no idea what it is like but I want to be available to you if you need me.” The response really widened my eyes, “no, Holly, its better to be alone or not speak to people when you’re going through it. People try to help and they just have no idea….” I laughed, “I have no idea. I can’t even pretend but I will listen to you.” I don’t judge him.

When we closed our conversation, I, once again, invited this person to church.
Me: I don’t mean to bug you about it but I just have to ask every now and then.
Friend: It doesn’t ever bug me. I want to go. I really do and I will.

Did you see what I did, though? I tried to use my church to help my friend when really, I could have explained God’s love for him no matter what. My immature thinking says, “get them to Riv and let the pastors, who are trained to handle this stuff, do their thing…sprinkle a little bit of Christian dust on them when they walk through the door.” I do this “passing off” stuff because I’m unequipped to really handle problems of my own and my friends. This is why I need to read and know the Bible. I always seem to have a heart-full of things to say when I’m reading the Bible. I even know what to say to other Christians who are down and out. But the pre-Christians…I don’t know what to do for them. It ticks me off because I’m losing that perspective. I was just there! I’ve got to finish my faith story. I quit when it started getting too hard to write but I need to go back there and really think about how I got here in the first place. How can I be a disciple if I can’t at least relate to the pre-Christians? I read a different friend’s blog the other day. I see amazing things happening in her life because someone wasn’t scared to say, “Do you have God in your life?” I’m so glad she was asked this question but I don’t have the courage to just ask someone. I have fear of rejection which is crazy because I know I’ve got the Holy Spirit! I know I’m saved from all the crap! I talk about faith but where is mine really? I hide behind my church. I hide behind all of my Christian ideals.

Another whiney post…but please. I don’t need anyone to fix this. I’m just revealing a struggle to you…and you…and you….whoa. Yeah. Do you feel like this sometimes?

I know I said something else was bothering me. So far I’ve covered my friend and the worry I have for them. I’ve covered the struggle I know I’m going through in really sharing my faith. Now, what about the sadness I need to feel? Back to being vague…

Being hit in the face with what you wanted is tough. You realize if you could have it any other way, you would change it…but you can’t just change your heart. I’m going through a reality check which is forcing me to wake the f up. I have to fight my manipulative heart and go on as I think God wants me to. The turmoil is making me sick and I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. My main problem is that the love which is in my head is not the love in my heart. As soon as I’m face to face with the love in my head, it quickly flies away. I’m fighting my imagination which is where I live most of the time. Not a healthy way to walk. Still, I know I have to lay these dreams to rest and stop certain friendships altogether. What a killer.

I reached out to my spiritual 911 on this…Dana. She said, “Holl, you’ll go through this pain because you know it will be worth it in the end. That’s what makes you who you are. You don’t like it but you’re listening to God. Something has been telling you that this part of your life is just not supposed to be. It hurts but you have hope.” God, thank you for getting her a job here and sitting her right next to me! Good call. Then, someone else reached out to me in the form of one of those slide showy, God things.

When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness. Faith doesn’t get you around trouble, it gets you through it.

I’m going through “it.” Some sort of growth spurt. Learning how to share my faith with my closest friends, learning not to have fear, learning how to feel my way through a broken relationship…one of the most difficult to leave.