Becky and I at her birthday party (my condo in Walled Lake)
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Phobia
I have this fear...it's kind of weird...so far you aren't surprised. I'll just say it. I'm afraid...of Baby Showers. Actually, I'm afraid of Bridal Showers, too. I don't know what it is but I attempted to analyze this fear to try to find the source and fix it.
This always starts the same. I get the e-mail: "Hey! I'm having a baby/bridal shower in X month! Do you think you can come?" Feelings of excitement, joy fill me and I write back, "Absolutely! Can't wait!" And then the invite comes. I look at the date, make a mental note, and leave it somewhere. Weeks go by. Occasionally, I'll think about the shower, know it is coming up, vow to get something off their list and then don't.
Flash forward to at least two days before the shower. I start panicking. I figure everything they wanted is already bought so I don't even look at the registry. I go to stores where I can buy more for less and spend hours mulling over what in the heck to get these people. Then the sweat, shaking, anxiety...now I'm trying to figure out an excuse not to go. I don't like to go. I don't like having my gift opened in front of a whole bunch of people oooooing and ahhhhhing. Or, my gift has already been purchased so it goes into the return pile and everyone laughs.
Ok, arm chair psychiatrists. What's my deal? Why don't I rush out and get the registry right away? Why don't I hardly ever look at the registry? Most of the time, I don't have a lot of money to spend and I always think more is better. I don't know. I think there are feelings of inadequacy floating around like my gift isn't good enough. See, I like shopping for people. I like getting them stuff they want and need. But I would much rather go out to dinner with this friend and quietly give them the gift. No games. No dog and pony show.
Does this mean I won't have a bridal or baby shower? Probably not :)
This always starts the same. I get the e-mail: "Hey! I'm having a baby/bridal shower in X month! Do you think you can come?" Feelings of excitement, joy fill me and I write back, "Absolutely! Can't wait!" And then the invite comes. I look at the date, make a mental note, and leave it somewhere. Weeks go by. Occasionally, I'll think about the shower, know it is coming up, vow to get something off their list and then don't.
Flash forward to at least two days before the shower. I start panicking. I figure everything they wanted is already bought so I don't even look at the registry. I go to stores where I can buy more for less and spend hours mulling over what in the heck to get these people. Then the sweat, shaking, anxiety...now I'm trying to figure out an excuse not to go. I don't like to go. I don't like having my gift opened in front of a whole bunch of people oooooing and ahhhhhing. Or, my gift has already been purchased so it goes into the return pile and everyone laughs.
Ok, arm chair psychiatrists. What's my deal? Why don't I rush out and get the registry right away? Why don't I hardly ever look at the registry? Most of the time, I don't have a lot of money to spend and I always think more is better. I don't know. I think there are feelings of inadequacy floating around like my gift isn't good enough. See, I like shopping for people. I like getting them stuff they want and need. But I would much rather go out to dinner with this friend and quietly give them the gift. No games. No dog and pony show.
Does this mean I won't have a bridal or baby shower? Probably not :)
Friday, January 21, 2005
"Consumer Christianity"
Do you ever get those little booklets from your church and it gives you a devotional a day? I got one from Rivervew called "Our Daily Bread" and it often steers me back on course throughout my work day. Today's reading was pretty good. Thought I would share.
"Christianity in modern America...tends to be easy, upbeat, convenient, and compatible. It does not require self-sacrifice, discipline, humility, an otherwordly outlook, a zeal for souls, a fear as well as love of God. There is little guilt and no punishment, and the payoff in heaven is virtually certain. What we now have might best be labeled 'Consumer Christianity." The cost is low and customer satisfaction seems guaranteed." --historian Thomas C. Reeves
"If we were only customers of Almighty God, we could be selective in our faith and reject anything we didn't like. But that's not the idea we get from Jesus. He pointed us to a cross, not to a spiritual check-out counter. He said: "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it." (Luke 9:23-24)
"Christ died on a cross for our sins, not for satisfaction. And he calls us to trust in Him, then follow Him with a life of self-denial. In a world where the customer is always right, it takes radical obedience to God to keep from buying into 'Consumer Christianity.'" --David McCasland
This referred to one of my favorite verses in the Bible. Such a complex ideal for a human. Such a simple way to live. But it is true in what I see. Like the people on Saved! who walk around in this disillusionment that Jesus is going to make everything better. I also talk to people who think there is no hell or they can go to heaven for basically being a good person. That used to be me. I didn't like the happy clappys who would scream out in tongues and make me feel weird. Well...I still don't like them. They still make me feel weird. I still feel weird sometimes talking about Jesus. I'm fine with name dropping God but you mention Jesus, and people look at you funny. You turn into this nutty, freaky, yucky person and people slowly back away so they don't catch what you have. Weird.
Anyhow, that's all I have to comment on for now. I have some things to take care of before I leave for the day. Fire up the snow blowers.
"Christianity in modern America...tends to be easy, upbeat, convenient, and compatible. It does not require self-sacrifice, discipline, humility, an otherwordly outlook, a zeal for souls, a fear as well as love of God. There is little guilt and no punishment, and the payoff in heaven is virtually certain. What we now have might best be labeled 'Consumer Christianity." The cost is low and customer satisfaction seems guaranteed." --historian Thomas C. Reeves
"If we were only customers of Almighty God, we could be selective in our faith and reject anything we didn't like. But that's not the idea we get from Jesus. He pointed us to a cross, not to a spiritual check-out counter. He said: "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it." (Luke 9:23-24)
"Christ died on a cross for our sins, not for satisfaction. And he calls us to trust in Him, then follow Him with a life of self-denial. In a world where the customer is always right, it takes radical obedience to God to keep from buying into 'Consumer Christianity.'" --David McCasland
This referred to one of my favorite verses in the Bible. Such a complex ideal for a human. Such a simple way to live. But it is true in what I see. Like the people on Saved! who walk around in this disillusionment that Jesus is going to make everything better. I also talk to people who think there is no hell or they can go to heaven for basically being a good person. That used to be me. I didn't like the happy clappys who would scream out in tongues and make me feel weird. Well...I still don't like them. They still make me feel weird. I still feel weird sometimes talking about Jesus. I'm fine with name dropping God but you mention Jesus, and people look at you funny. You turn into this nutty, freaky, yucky person and people slowly back away so they don't catch what you have. Weird.
Anyhow, that's all I have to comment on for now. I have some things to take care of before I leave for the day. Fire up the snow blowers.
Jane Marie
Me: What are you doing, Jane Marie?
J: Oh, you know, just sitting here with my elbow half-way up my arm.
Love that lady.
J: Oh, you know, just sitting here with my elbow half-way up my arm.
Love that lady.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Monika
My friend Monika just had her fourth baby. After three boys, she finally made a girl. Monika also celebrated her 26th birthday last week. Yowzer.
I met Monika when she was 14. She was so sweet...innocent...well, she had us all fooled about the innocence part. Still, she quickly became one of my closest friends. We managed Holt's wrestling team together and had a lot of fun. Except for the fact that she was always getting grounded.
I graduated and moved up to Mt. Pleasant but came back to hang out once in awhile. One of the funniest memories I have of Monika was when she took Kelly and I to a party during the summer of 1995. She kept talking this boy up, wanted one of us to date him because he was so nice. Kell and I were 19...this guy was like 23 or something. Way too old in our books. We met him and he had hair to his shoulders. Not our type. Good thing neither of us took Monika up on her match making deal because by September, Monika was pregnant with his baby.
I think she was 16 years old. Her dad got transferred to Indianapolis and took the whole family down there. When Monika was 6 or 7 months pregnant, she moved back to Mason and moved in with Lance and his parents. She had Zehlin in May and he was so beautiful. I was the proud aunt. Monika and Lance got married when she became pregnant again two years later. They bought a house in Leslie and brought Kanen home from the hospital. Three years later, they planned Griffin, but I had since lost track of Monika. I got really TO'd over something she did.
My sister kept tabs on Monika through Mason Urgent Care. Mon would ask about me but it took her until 2003 to finally ask Lyn for my phone number. She called and I was happy. She was living in Mason again and going through a divorce. Now, she wanted to experience the freedoms of being a teenager...but she wasn't one anymore and she had three little people calling her mom. Monika caved.
I lost track of her again. The last I heard was my sister telling me Monika was moving to Alabama. She met a guy and they were getting out of town. Monika was afraid to tell me because she thought I would be upset. I remember unleashing on my sister. Of course I was upset! How could she leave three little boys? How could she do this to them? They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask to have a flaky mom. I was pretty unforgiving. I was very judgmental.
I went to Monika's parents who had moved to Leslie. Her dad told me about all the problems Monika was having when she lived in Mason. Money, drugs, fights...he was kind of happy she got out of town. But then...then the boys came to visit her parents on Christmas Day. Griffin, who was one and a half, ran to Monika's room, calling out to her. Zehlin, the oldest, went after him trying to explain that mommy wasn't here anymore. The story broke my heart. But it was January 2004, and I was in a different place. I started praying like crazy. I prayed for her life. I prayed for her boys. I prayed she would come back to them.
I heard Monika was back in town through a kid I graduated with. I immediately tried to find her and ended up leaving a note on her parent's door. The note said to have Monika call me because I wanted to talk to her and I loved her a lot. Monika found the note and called. I saw her the next day, which was the day before my grandma died. She was pregnant again but happy...amd sweet, which she really, genuinely is. I decided not to judge this situation though I know in my heart what I wish. I just want to be there for Monika and for her to know I love her unconditionally. She told me she came back because she couldn't stand to be away from the boys. She said she didn't call me because she felt ashamed. I told her to never worry about that. Never worry about me judging her for decisions she makes. I'll love her even if I don't agree. If everyone else turns on her, I will show her God's compassion.
Monika = a test of patience, faith, compassion
I get to see little Gillian Christian Burley tomorrow. I can't wait.
I met Monika when she was 14. She was so sweet...innocent...well, she had us all fooled about the innocence part. Still, she quickly became one of my closest friends. We managed Holt's wrestling team together and had a lot of fun. Except for the fact that she was always getting grounded.
I graduated and moved up to Mt. Pleasant but came back to hang out once in awhile. One of the funniest memories I have of Monika was when she took Kelly and I to a party during the summer of 1995. She kept talking this boy up, wanted one of us to date him because he was so nice. Kell and I were 19...this guy was like 23 or something. Way too old in our books. We met him and he had hair to his shoulders. Not our type. Good thing neither of us took Monika up on her match making deal because by September, Monika was pregnant with his baby.
I think she was 16 years old. Her dad got transferred to Indianapolis and took the whole family down there. When Monika was 6 or 7 months pregnant, she moved back to Mason and moved in with Lance and his parents. She had Zehlin in May and he was so beautiful. I was the proud aunt. Monika and Lance got married when she became pregnant again two years later. They bought a house in Leslie and brought Kanen home from the hospital. Three years later, they planned Griffin, but I had since lost track of Monika. I got really TO'd over something she did.
My sister kept tabs on Monika through Mason Urgent Care. Mon would ask about me but it took her until 2003 to finally ask Lyn for my phone number. She called and I was happy. She was living in Mason again and going through a divorce. Now, she wanted to experience the freedoms of being a teenager...but she wasn't one anymore and she had three little people calling her mom. Monika caved.
I lost track of her again. The last I heard was my sister telling me Monika was moving to Alabama. She met a guy and they were getting out of town. Monika was afraid to tell me because she thought I would be upset. I remember unleashing on my sister. Of course I was upset! How could she leave three little boys? How could she do this to them? They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask to have a flaky mom. I was pretty unforgiving. I was very judgmental.
I went to Monika's parents who had moved to Leslie. Her dad told me about all the problems Monika was having when she lived in Mason. Money, drugs, fights...he was kind of happy she got out of town. But then...then the boys came to visit her parents on Christmas Day. Griffin, who was one and a half, ran to Monika's room, calling out to her. Zehlin, the oldest, went after him trying to explain that mommy wasn't here anymore. The story broke my heart. But it was January 2004, and I was in a different place. I started praying like crazy. I prayed for her life. I prayed for her boys. I prayed she would come back to them.
I heard Monika was back in town through a kid I graduated with. I immediately tried to find her and ended up leaving a note on her parent's door. The note said to have Monika call me because I wanted to talk to her and I loved her a lot. Monika found the note and called. I saw her the next day, which was the day before my grandma died. She was pregnant again but happy...amd sweet, which she really, genuinely is. I decided not to judge this situation though I know in my heart what I wish. I just want to be there for Monika and for her to know I love her unconditionally. She told me she came back because she couldn't stand to be away from the boys. She said she didn't call me because she felt ashamed. I told her to never worry about that. Never worry about me judging her for decisions she makes. I'll love her even if I don't agree. If everyone else turns on her, I will show her God's compassion.
Monika = a test of patience, faith, compassion
I get to see little Gillian Christian Burley tomorrow. I can't wait.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Fallen Solider
Please check out my friend Matt's blog for a tribute to his cousin. It amazes me how people can pick up and carry on with hope. As I said to Matt, thanks be to God.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Just so you know...
Sitting in a hot tub when the wind chill is 13 below zero, is not a great idea.
Why?
Because the wind chill is 13 below zero.
Still fun, but not a great idea.
Why?
Because the wind chill is 13 below zero.
Still fun, but not a great idea.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Tease
It's days like this that remind me of why Spring is my favorite season. The mild air, the warmth on my face, the blowing wind, a storm moving in from the west...I wanted to stay outside or at least sit by a window and watch. Instead, I'm in a hole staring at a calendar which reminds me I have a few months left to go (sigh).
Soooo.....
Remember how I was complaining about pizza? Well, I went to a meeting yesterday having no idea I was going to get another free lunch out of Valassis and....we had Mr. Pita.
Of course, I deemed this an act of God because he loves me so much. I mentioned this to some guys in our shipping department and one of them said, "Oh, so God will allow 150,000 people die in a Tsunami and he'll make sure you get Mr. Pita for lunch (laughter at how naivee I am)."
"Well...I don't think God ever left us to go to the other side of the world and watch 150,000 people die. I don't think he has bigger fish to fry than to deal with my little life. I understand that in the scope of human thinking a tsuanmi is more important and tragic than me not getting the right lunch. But....he's God. He's a lot smarter than me so bottom line is I don't know. But how could it be a coincidence?"
That's what I wanted to say, anyhow. Really, I just said yes.
Of course, I deemed this an act of God because he loves me so much. I mentioned this to some guys in our shipping department and one of them said, "Oh, so God will allow 150,000 people die in a Tsunami and he'll make sure you get Mr. Pita for lunch (laughter at how naivee I am)."
"Well...I don't think God ever left us to go to the other side of the world and watch 150,000 people die. I don't think he has bigger fish to fry than to deal with my little life. I understand that in the scope of human thinking a tsuanmi is more important and tragic than me not getting the right lunch. But....he's God. He's a lot smarter than me so bottom line is I don't know. But how could it be a coincidence?"
That's what I wanted to say, anyhow. Really, I just said yes.
Mystery
Ben (my former supervisor/present day friend) and I used to e-mail each other a lot. I was looking through some old e-mails yesterday, found this one, decided to post it because it made me laugh. I shall post more things I find funny as I see fit. My blog. Meow.
B: What's up HB?
H: Eating a lunch I can’t stand and looking for a new car. What about you?
B: Pissing away another day at valassis.
H: My days of pissing are over, I think. My job is in and ready to control my life.
Have you ever rebelled against yourself?
B: I think I've been through periods of rebellion with myself. What about you?
H: I’m really rebelling against myself right now. I’m forcing myself to eat this food and I can hear….I guess I hear my other self screaming, crying, resisting my efforts to eat it instead of throwing it out. I keep telling myself things like, “if you don’t eat it, you’ll be hungry later and I’m not feeding you again until dinner,” or “there are starving people all over the place and you’re going to throw away perfectly healthy food?” But then, my other self back talks me. “I know if I’m hungry you’ll feed me before dinner” and “if there are starving people all over the place, send the lunch to them!” I’m so lenient with myself. But no! Not this time! I won’t let me get away with it…..well, I'll at least eat half.
B: You are hilarious!! I would love to hear more of this inner dialogue and the other subjects that you argue with yourself about.
H: I can’t talk anymore. I just grounded myself. Of course, knowing me, I’ll rebel.
B: You should sneak out after your otherself goes to sleep. I'll meet you at the corner.
H: I know I would get caught. My other self is a light sleeper. I hate microwave meals. They always seem like such a good idea at the time.
Up for a little BS tomorrow?
B: I think the question is are you up for a little BS?
H: Almost always. Do you think I should get a 2000 Chevy Astro Cargo or a 1988 Chevy Bonaventure.
B: I think you should ride your bike instead.
H: No, I want a van. One of those old types like the Mystery Machine.
B: Are you going to solve mysteries?
H: No, I’m going to build them.
B: Then you're not the one that needs the van.
H: Oh. Then I want a Mazda 6.
B: I think if you are building mysteries you should drive one of those little mini coopers. That seems like a mystery building type car. Either that or an Impala.
H: The first mystery to solve is why I ever bought that car.
B: I thought it was because Joey told you it was a good idea.
H: I guess the mystery is why I listened, then.
B: Because you are sometimes impressionable.
That's two mysteries solved. I think I need that van.
B: What's up HB?
H: Eating a lunch I can’t stand and looking for a new car. What about you?
B: Pissing away another day at valassis.
H: My days of pissing are over, I think. My job is in and ready to control my life.
Have you ever rebelled against yourself?
B: I think I've been through periods of rebellion with myself. What about you?
H: I’m really rebelling against myself right now. I’m forcing myself to eat this food and I can hear….I guess I hear my other self screaming, crying, resisting my efforts to eat it instead of throwing it out. I keep telling myself things like, “if you don’t eat it, you’ll be hungry later and I’m not feeding you again until dinner,” or “there are starving people all over the place and you’re going to throw away perfectly healthy food?” But then, my other self back talks me. “I know if I’m hungry you’ll feed me before dinner” and “if there are starving people all over the place, send the lunch to them!” I’m so lenient with myself. But no! Not this time! I won’t let me get away with it…..well, I'll at least eat half.
B: You are hilarious!! I would love to hear more of this inner dialogue and the other subjects that you argue with yourself about.
H: I can’t talk anymore. I just grounded myself. Of course, knowing me, I’ll rebel.
B: You should sneak out after your otherself goes to sleep. I'll meet you at the corner.
H: I know I would get caught. My other self is a light sleeper. I hate microwave meals. They always seem like such a good idea at the time.
Up for a little BS tomorrow?
B: I think the question is are you up for a little BS?
H: Almost always. Do you think I should get a 2000 Chevy Astro Cargo or a 1988 Chevy Bonaventure.
B: I think you should ride your bike instead.
H: No, I want a van. One of those old types like the Mystery Machine.
B: Are you going to solve mysteries?
H: No, I’m going to build them.
B: Then you're not the one that needs the van.
H: Oh. Then I want a Mazda 6.
B: I think if you are building mysteries you should drive one of those little mini coopers. That seems like a mystery building type car. Either that or an Impala.
H: The first mystery to solve is why I ever bought that car.
B: I thought it was because Joey told you it was a good idea.
H: I guess the mystery is why I listened, then.
B: Because you are sometimes impressionable.
That's two mysteries solved. I think I need that van.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Being the brat that I am....
That whole Dying To Self thing? Yeah...might be a little unrealistic for me. For the second time in a week, our CEO ordered pizza for all three Michigan locations. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Man, can't we get Mr. Pita or something?" (laughter from the cubes around me). Then, after I got a couple of pieces, I said, "I can't stand Papa Romano's or Jetts. Why do we always have to get these sub-standard pizza joints?"
See....see how I really am? It wasn't enough that I had food...or that it was free...it wasn't good enough for me. I kept sitting there trying to change my heart but as the second napkin was soaking up the grease from my slice, I decided I didn't really want to put it into my body. I made it through one piece and then I ate a Clementine. Mmmmmm....much better.
Anyhow, I have a ways to go on the whole selfish thing. Being a brat just comes so natural to me :o) I bet all of you can agree.
See....see how I really am? It wasn't enough that I had food...or that it was free...it wasn't good enough for me. I kept sitting there trying to change my heart but as the second napkin was soaking up the grease from my slice, I decided I didn't really want to put it into my body. I made it through one piece and then I ate a Clementine. Mmmmmm....much better.
Anyhow, I have a ways to go on the whole selfish thing. Being a brat just comes so natural to me :o) I bet all of you can agree.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Just in case you were wondering...
I can't really blog from work. Sometimes when I get a break but last week was the pits--sooo busy. What I end up doing is blogging at home, writing out my thoughts in Word and then I come to Mr. Pita to use their wireless internet. I'm going to start using my jump drive, though but I like coming to Mr. Pita once every couple of weeks. The owner, Anthony, always smiles and waves, makes sure the wireless connection is up. Good man.
I wanted to update about the trip home from Chicago. It was awesome. We listened to Shattered which I love but I think it was just kind of okay for Beks and Ry (who was still sleeping it off). We listened to the teaching on Homosexuality after that. I was soooo nervous because Ry is such a liberal guy and the attitude is "if it feels good, do it" kind of. The teaching was ending with just the prayer left so I switched it over to Becky's IPod to listen to music. Suddenly, Ryan piped up, "I like listening to Noel. Where did he go?" "Oh, it was just the prayer at the end, Ry but we can finish it." So we did. Then Ry said, "I like Noel. He's like a really good professor."
I drove the whole way home (and only freaked out once when driving through Chicago) with Beks as my co-pilot. We had a mini church session in the car, listening to Riverview teachings and then to Becky's old time Christian songs like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was actually way cool. We also played "Stump Holly" with me trying to guess songs within the first 5 seconds. I didn't do as well as when Joey tried to stump me with 80s music. I had a lot of fun, though and I love Becky and Ry to pieces. They are truly among my bestest, closest friends.
I wanted to update about the trip home from Chicago. It was awesome. We listened to Shattered which I love but I think it was just kind of okay for Beks and Ry (who was still sleeping it off). We listened to the teaching on Homosexuality after that. I was soooo nervous because Ry is such a liberal guy and the attitude is "if it feels good, do it" kind of. The teaching was ending with just the prayer left so I switched it over to Becky's IPod to listen to music. Suddenly, Ryan piped up, "I like listening to Noel. Where did he go?" "Oh, it was just the prayer at the end, Ry but we can finish it." So we did. Then Ry said, "I like Noel. He's like a really good professor."
I drove the whole way home (and only freaked out once when driving through Chicago) with Beks as my co-pilot. We had a mini church session in the car, listening to Riverview teachings and then to Becky's old time Christian songs like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was actually way cool. We also played "Stump Holly" with me trying to guess songs within the first 5 seconds. I didn't do as well as when Joey tried to stump me with 80s music. I had a lot of fun, though and I love Becky and Ry to pieces. They are truly among my bestest, closest friends.
Willingness
The teaching at Riverview yesterday knocked me over the head. It was another one of those that held my attention and I swore I could hear Jesus talking to me himself.
I walked into church and went to check out my Rivkids schedule. I was approached by someone who wanted to have a conversation with me about this possibility at Riverview…this possible opportunity.
Joey asked me, “What are you going to do?”
My response was that I didn’t know because I didn’t know the details. However, I said that if this opportunity required me to quit my job and move back, I just didn’t think I could do it. After all, Valassis is an awesome company to work for. I get my bonus next month and have worked fairly hard to earn what I earn. Also, I love where I live and I love my roommate. On top of that, I think I might kind of be reaching my friends…and I just don’t think I could leave them.
And then Steve opened his big mouth…. :o)
Do I have a willingness? Can I really trust God with everything? Can I submit to authority, take risks for God and be truly authentic?
Oh geez. Why now? I’ve been kind of praying about it but gosh, golly…why would the opportunity be considering me…me thinking there was no way…and 15 minutes later…I feel so full of courage and scared crap-less all at once.
A couple of ideas really got me. Peter took a risk by getting out of the boat. Everyone else waited in the boat to see. In relating it to my life, I was the first one out of the boat. Well, I think I saw Joey outside of it and I wanted to be there, too. I was a little scared of failure and a lot scared of rejection but in my heart, my friends weren’t going to change my mind.
Jesus looked at Peter in the beginning. Jesus looked at Peter in the end. Those two sentences have new meaning now that I know the definition of look (to look with your mind). Jesus saw something in Peter. He saw something in us. God uses the shaky people who don’t have their acts together. Kind of a relief. See, on Saturday, I was at my cousins and they were talking about the Scott Peterson trial. My cousin-in-law (a Christian) stated that Scott got what he deserved: an eye for an eye. Me, being the baby Christian and pulling from my Route 66 knowledge said, “I thought that was the OT way of doing things?” “You can’t throw out the OT. It’s in the Bible.” (what I meant was that I thought Jesus changed that way of thinking but I couldn’t really say what I meant). So then we get into this mini-debate where my cousin-in-law tells me that the two things God hates the most are sodomy and idoltry. I was a little confused because I thought God hated the destruction of something made in his image. I realized I might not know what I was talking about, Jerry really seemed to want to debate, and I left the situation. I don’t like to debate Jesus. Ask me a question and I’ll try to answer it…but I am not equipped with a lot of answers…and that is how God uses me.
Yes, I’ll get this all straightened out with time. The more I read the Bible the more I might understand. But I see sometimes how God uses my imperfections or my pain. My grandma, whom I loved oh so dearly, died and I made a DVD. Because of her death, it occurred to me that I might be able to do this for other people…and I’m reaching out to them.
Two last thoughts:
Are you willing to be different for Jesus?
Give what you can’t keep to gain what you cannot lose.
Maybe I will take this risk to serve others. Not so sure yet but I’m going to have the conversation. I’m also more excited than ever to go on some kind of mission. Shoot, if I can face my friends in the bar, I think I might be ready to go out into the world, even if I fail and am rejected. As I was taught today, “Jesus’ reputation is worth it.”
Thanks for opening your big mouth, Steve.
I walked into church and went to check out my Rivkids schedule. I was approached by someone who wanted to have a conversation with me about this possibility at Riverview…this possible opportunity.
Joey asked me, “What are you going to do?”
My response was that I didn’t know because I didn’t know the details. However, I said that if this opportunity required me to quit my job and move back, I just didn’t think I could do it. After all, Valassis is an awesome company to work for. I get my bonus next month and have worked fairly hard to earn what I earn. Also, I love where I live and I love my roommate. On top of that, I think I might kind of be reaching my friends…and I just don’t think I could leave them.
And then Steve opened his big mouth…. :o)
Do I have a willingness? Can I really trust God with everything? Can I submit to authority, take risks for God and be truly authentic?
Oh geez. Why now? I’ve been kind of praying about it but gosh, golly…why would the opportunity be considering me…me thinking there was no way…and 15 minutes later…I feel so full of courage and scared crap-less all at once.
A couple of ideas really got me. Peter took a risk by getting out of the boat. Everyone else waited in the boat to see. In relating it to my life, I was the first one out of the boat. Well, I think I saw Joey outside of it and I wanted to be there, too. I was a little scared of failure and a lot scared of rejection but in my heart, my friends weren’t going to change my mind.
Jesus looked at Peter in the beginning. Jesus looked at Peter in the end. Those two sentences have new meaning now that I know the definition of look (to look with your mind). Jesus saw something in Peter. He saw something in us. God uses the shaky people who don’t have their acts together. Kind of a relief. See, on Saturday, I was at my cousins and they were talking about the Scott Peterson trial. My cousin-in-law (a Christian) stated that Scott got what he deserved: an eye for an eye. Me, being the baby Christian and pulling from my Route 66 knowledge said, “I thought that was the OT way of doing things?” “You can’t throw out the OT. It’s in the Bible.” (what I meant was that I thought Jesus changed that way of thinking but I couldn’t really say what I meant). So then we get into this mini-debate where my cousin-in-law tells me that the two things God hates the most are sodomy and idoltry. I was a little confused because I thought God hated the destruction of something made in his image. I realized I might not know what I was talking about, Jerry really seemed to want to debate, and I left the situation. I don’t like to debate Jesus. Ask me a question and I’ll try to answer it…but I am not equipped with a lot of answers…and that is how God uses me.
Yes, I’ll get this all straightened out with time. The more I read the Bible the more I might understand. But I see sometimes how God uses my imperfections or my pain. My grandma, whom I loved oh so dearly, died and I made a DVD. Because of her death, it occurred to me that I might be able to do this for other people…and I’m reaching out to them.
Two last thoughts:
Are you willing to be different for Jesus?
Give what you can’t keep to gain what you cannot lose.
Maybe I will take this risk to serve others. Not so sure yet but I’m going to have the conversation. I’m also more excited than ever to go on some kind of mission. Shoot, if I can face my friends in the bar, I think I might be ready to go out into the world, even if I fail and am rejected. As I was taught today, “Jesus’ reputation is worth it.”
Thanks for opening your big mouth, Steve.
Project KMM
There was this girl…she was 14-years-old. I was 11-years-old. She was the coolest person I had ever met. I wanted to be just like her. After knowing her for 7 months, she died of a brain tumor. She went fast. She went young. She left behind so many people.
On March 3, it will be 17 years since Kim died. I lost touch with her sister and her father, but last year, I found Howard again. I was sad to learn he has two pictures of his daughter. Just two. This is where I step in.
My cousin and I put a DVD together of my Grandma. It is beautiful. It occurred to me that Kim’s family should have one of Kim. I prayed. I asked God to help me with this project. In fact, I told him I wasn’t going to do it without him. So God opened doors.
I called Kim’s sister, Karen. She is a few months younger than I am and we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in 15 years. At first, she was a little hesitant about me wanting to pull a memory video together, only because she didn’t quite understand. And then, the tears, the excitement, the appreciation.
I have my work cut out for me so I would appreciate prayers, though I know there are plenty of other things to pray about. Still, this is the first project I have done with God…I mean, the first one I have asked him to partner with me. I met with Karen on Saturday night and scanned in 52 pictures. We need more, though. Karen got on the phone to some people and has really put the wheels in motion. She is awesome and really, I love her involvement. This project is coming together.
My due date is Kim’s birthday 8/17. I hope to interview people, get their memories down but the goal is to not let the sun go down on Kim’s memory.
On March 3, it will be 17 years since Kim died. I lost touch with her sister and her father, but last year, I found Howard again. I was sad to learn he has two pictures of his daughter. Just two. This is where I step in.
My cousin and I put a DVD together of my Grandma. It is beautiful. It occurred to me that Kim’s family should have one of Kim. I prayed. I asked God to help me with this project. In fact, I told him I wasn’t going to do it without him. So God opened doors.
I called Kim’s sister, Karen. She is a few months younger than I am and we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in 15 years. At first, she was a little hesitant about me wanting to pull a memory video together, only because she didn’t quite understand. And then, the tears, the excitement, the appreciation.
I have my work cut out for me so I would appreciate prayers, though I know there are plenty of other things to pray about. Still, this is the first project I have done with God…I mean, the first one I have asked him to partner with me. I met with Karen on Saturday night and scanned in 52 pictures. We need more, though. Karen got on the phone to some people and has really put the wheels in motion. She is awesome and really, I love her involvement. This project is coming together.
My due date is Kim’s birthday 8/17. I hope to interview people, get their memories down but the goal is to not let the sun go down on Kim’s memory.
Saturday's Alright
I had three people call me to go out on Saturday night. Brand and Meeelissa were in Novi and wanted to hang out. Dana was celebrating her 29th birthday in Novi. Tracy, my sorority sis, was also having her 30th birthday party in Novi. I could have gone to all three—this never happens to me. I should have jumped at the chance to do it…so what did I do Saturday night?
*Hung out with my aunt’s family while they celebrated Christmas.
*Scanned pictures into my computer of a girl who has been dead for 17 years.
*Sat in a hot tub until 1:00 a.m. while watching a dog named Cain play with the neighbor dog in the snow, laughing at two kittens who were desperately trying to see what was going on outside (but only ripping the curtains down), and having conversations with God and Joey.
Fun times as I approach 29 :o)
Dying to Self by Bill Britton
When you are forgotten or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy - being counted worthy to suffer for Christ; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself - but take it all in patient loving silence; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any unpunctuality, or any annoyance ... when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility - and endure it as Jesus endured it; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any solitude, any interruption - by the will of God; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or record your own good works, or itch after commendation - when you can truly love to be unknown; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met, and honestly rejoice with him in sprit without envy or question of God - while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstance; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you receive correction and reproof from one of less stature that yourself, and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly - finding no rebellion or resentment rising up in your heart; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
ARE YOU DEAD YET? In these last days the Sprit would bring us to the Cross."That I may know Him ... being made conformable to His death"
When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself - but take it all in patient loving silence; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any unpunctuality, or any annoyance ... when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility - and endure it as Jesus endured it; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any solitude, any interruption - by the will of God; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or record your own good works, or itch after commendation - when you can truly love to be unknown; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met, and honestly rejoice with him in sprit without envy or question of God - while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstance; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you receive correction and reproof from one of less stature that yourself, and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly - finding no rebellion or resentment rising up in your heart; THAT IS DYING TO SELF
ARE YOU DEAD YET? In these last days the Sprit would bring us to the Cross."That I may know Him ... being made conformable to His death"
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Bed Time Story
I know. I'm a blogging fool tonight. It's just that Beks is sleeping upstairs and the boys are out playing Golden Tee Live. I am blogging and watching the first episodes of old TV shows on TV Land. I just watched the first episode of the Andy Griffith Show. It actually made me tear up a little...and laugh a little. But I've been a little emotional all day. Want to know why??? Do you really want to know???? Ahhhh.....sure you do. Of course you do! You see, you've read my other posts, almost fell asleep, and thought, "this one ought to do the trick." So, get tucked in...here we go.
We went out to watch the Rose Bowl. Bek and I didn't really want to go but we did. By the end of the 1st quarter, there were no boys to be found near us...they were playing Golden Tee. Bek and I laughed about it and then I asked her a question: after 6 years of dating Ryan, did she think he would propose this year.
This one question opened up a whole evening of intimate discussions about love, friendship, and faith. I was shocked at how interested and open Bek was about my decision to become a Christ follower and the changes I had to make in my life. Well, I wasn't too shocked. She has always been pretty supportive...but I was surprised by something else...it was the way in which we both spoke and listened. It was definitely God in action.
I see something in Becky. I see how she wants a closer relationship with God. I know he wants one with her and maybe, just maybe, he'll use me to bring him to her. And maybe, just maybe, she'll accept him and draw nearer. But maybe it will be awhile still.
Something else that was pretty cool was that the boys joined in the conversation a little bit, too. Ryan started questioning me about the timeline of the bible. I got really nervous and explained I didn't have a lot of the answers. I tried to say I was still a toddler Christian...still wetting my pants-type-Christian. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, and I believe God and I handled his questions pretty darn well. I think Ryan thinks that if his questions about the history of the bible are answered, then he can really, truly believe. Our answer to him? I still have unanswered questions. At some point, you have to give it up to God and just have faith. But maybe he could start studying the bible and find answers he's looking for.
Oh, and I invited Beks and Ry to Riverview. They were totally down with it. Really excited. Tomorrow, on our way home, I'm going to ask if we can listen to Shattered and see what they say. I certainly don't want to push my beliefs down their throats and I really don't want to push Riverview down their throats...but I want them to have a relationship with God, invite him to their relationship and maybe even finally make that big, leap.
Oh, and Becky was really interested in being invited to my blog...so I'm going to. She will be the only person from that part of my life with access to it. I'm almost fully represented now.
Okay, I'm tired now. Just watched the first episode of Leave It To Beaver. I never realized how funny these shows are. Now, I'm watching the first episode of Sanford & Son but I think it's time for bed. So wake up and go.
We went out to watch the Rose Bowl. Bek and I didn't really want to go but we did. By the end of the 1st quarter, there were no boys to be found near us...they were playing Golden Tee. Bek and I laughed about it and then I asked her a question: after 6 years of dating Ryan, did she think he would propose this year.
This one question opened up a whole evening of intimate discussions about love, friendship, and faith. I was shocked at how interested and open Bek was about my decision to become a Christ follower and the changes I had to make in my life. Well, I wasn't too shocked. She has always been pretty supportive...but I was surprised by something else...it was the way in which we both spoke and listened. It was definitely God in action.
I see something in Becky. I see how she wants a closer relationship with God. I know he wants one with her and maybe, just maybe, he'll use me to bring him to her. And maybe, just maybe, she'll accept him and draw nearer. But maybe it will be awhile still.
Something else that was pretty cool was that the boys joined in the conversation a little bit, too. Ryan started questioning me about the timeline of the bible. I got really nervous and explained I didn't have a lot of the answers. I tried to say I was still a toddler Christian...still wetting my pants-type-Christian. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, and I believe God and I handled his questions pretty darn well. I think Ryan thinks that if his questions about the history of the bible are answered, then he can really, truly believe. Our answer to him? I still have unanswered questions. At some point, you have to give it up to God and just have faith. But maybe he could start studying the bible and find answers he's looking for.
Oh, and I invited Beks and Ry to Riverview. They were totally down with it. Really excited. Tomorrow, on our way home, I'm going to ask if we can listen to Shattered and see what they say. I certainly don't want to push my beliefs down their throats and I really don't want to push Riverview down their throats...but I want them to have a relationship with God, invite him to their relationship and maybe even finally make that big, leap.
Oh, and Becky was really interested in being invited to my blog...so I'm going to. She will be the only person from that part of my life with access to it. I'm almost fully represented now.
Okay, I'm tired now. Just watched the first episode of Leave It To Beaver. I never realized how funny these shows are. Now, I'm watching the first episode of Sanford & Son but I think it's time for bed. So wake up and go.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Behaved? Controlled?
The past few days have been good, better than I imagined. Last night went well. We went to an Irish bar, had food and drinks, danced and laughed and I'm happy to say I was in bed by 1:30--and I wasn't drunk.
I was a little nervous about hanging out with this group of friends. Since my decision (in April) to not get drunk anymore, I haven't really been in this kind of situation with them. They are my closest friends and have been since college. The issue is that my friends are pretty heavy drinkers and I was, too. Not to say I drank a ton during the week and every weekend. It was just when we all got together, it was drink after drink after drink. And I'm also not saying it was just because of them. I did it with all my friends because most of my friends are drinkers. Soooo....I think I need to start from the beginning...with the end.
I went to my cousin Greg's wedding in April. I had recently listened to Noel's message about alcohol. I ignored that same message during the reception. My dad and I were egging each other on and the wine was flowing. I went to Joey's after the reception and got sick...really, really sick. I cried, I felt sorry for myself, I puked...and then I cried out to God. I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to have control. I wanted to truly be a Christ follower. I wanted to glorify God. I also didn't want to hurt my body.
That was the last time and so far, I've had the control I need. It's true that I could have quit cold turkey and I will if I feel alcohol controlling me. So far, so good. One of the true tests was this weekend with Andy, Ry, and Bek. I had a few drinks over a 5 hour period and probably way too much water. Beks later admitted that she had confided to Andy that she was concerned about me...concerned I wouldn't have enough fun because I wasn't tossing them back. But today she told me something different: "you're still the same Holl." Well...yeah. I mean, I was cutting it up on the dance floor, I was laughing hysterically, I was eating like I would never eat again....but I can see why she was concerned. It is scary when the people we know so well make drastic changes in their lives. I believe my progression has been slow, though.
I'm still a party girl, just not a drunk one. I'm more of a behaved party girl, well, not tonight. Tonight I'm a stay-at-home-watching-TVLand-while her friends are out drinking and watching football-except for Beks who is sleeping already-blogging-type girl.
I was a little nervous about hanging out with this group of friends. Since my decision (in April) to not get drunk anymore, I haven't really been in this kind of situation with them. They are my closest friends and have been since college. The issue is that my friends are pretty heavy drinkers and I was, too. Not to say I drank a ton during the week and every weekend. It was just when we all got together, it was drink after drink after drink. And I'm also not saying it was just because of them. I did it with all my friends because most of my friends are drinkers. Soooo....I think I need to start from the beginning...with the end.
I went to my cousin Greg's wedding in April. I had recently listened to Noel's message about alcohol. I ignored that same message during the reception. My dad and I were egging each other on and the wine was flowing. I went to Joey's after the reception and got sick...really, really sick. I cried, I felt sorry for myself, I puked...and then I cried out to God. I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to have control. I wanted to truly be a Christ follower. I wanted to glorify God. I also didn't want to hurt my body.
That was the last time and so far, I've had the control I need. It's true that I could have quit cold turkey and I will if I feel alcohol controlling me. So far, so good. One of the true tests was this weekend with Andy, Ry, and Bek. I had a few drinks over a 5 hour period and probably way too much water. Beks later admitted that she had confided to Andy that she was concerned about me...concerned I wouldn't have enough fun because I wasn't tossing them back. But today she told me something different: "you're still the same Holl." Well...yeah. I mean, I was cutting it up on the dance floor, I was laughing hysterically, I was eating like I would never eat again....but I can see why she was concerned. It is scary when the people we know so well make drastic changes in their lives. I believe my progression has been slow, though.
I'm still a party girl, just not a drunk one. I'm more of a behaved party girl, well, not tonight. Tonight I'm a stay-at-home-watching-TVLand-while her friends are out drinking and watching football-except for Beks who is sleeping already-blogging-type girl.
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