I just sent my passport in for the mission trip. Another $100--bye-bye. I just want to get it in time. I'm super nervous because I remember this conversation posted by Noel:
August 03, 2004
Passports and Divorce
{ MOOD: Hehe NOISE: Grace and Eric talking }
Quote of the day:
NOEL: "I bet we could get a divorce faster than we could get your frickin' passport."
GRACE: "Wanna try?"
Now, I know there were other circumstances flying around that snafu but everyone always complains about this process. It only took me 5 minutes to apply and the guy at the Post Office was really nice. Said I should have it in four weeks. Let us pray.
Oh, and despite what anyone tells you, you are most definitely allowed to smile in your passport photo (*^&# CVS).
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I’m not sitting in the front row anymore.
I always preferred the back rows. That was where the cool kids sat. In college, I heard a theory that the closer to the front you sit, the more you will understand. Cool kids sat in back. Kids with better grades sat in front. I started sitting in front. For the most part, it worked.
These past couple of weeks at church have blown me away, though. I walk into Riverview so happy and giddy, take my seat near the front, sing a bunch of songs, start listening to the message…and end up a mess. I get so frustrated! It’s like I can’t comprehend what is being said. Perhaps it is going by too fast. Or maybe, I’m so focused on trying to understand what was just said that I miss the explanation. Here are some of the notes I have written to Joey in the past three weeks:
“I don’t understand.”
“ugh!”
“I can never be the way I need to be, the way Noel is talking about.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Something is just not clicking in my brain.”
“I give up.”
I’ve really been struggling with these messages about Paradoxes. I loved the first teaching about giving up your life to gain it. I understood most but I remember looking around desperately thinking, “I can’t be that nice to people.” See, I’m a wonderful person outside of work (ha ha) but once I get there, the florescent lights burn everything I’ve just learned out of my brain. “Give more, be nice, smile, don’t complain, calm down, answer that phone call, quit surfing the net...” Sorry. I just can’t do it.
As I was saying, I lost it Sunday. I walked into Riv as chirpy as ever, fluttering from person to person and nesting in a newer area (for a little change of pace). So we sing and la, la, la…Noel comes out and starts off by giving a lot of announcements…then…gives some family business…looks in our general direction and talks about what we should do when someone sins against us. Gulp. The whole message was really difficult for me to grasp and understand but oh, could I relate. Every morning I do push myself to do better, be better. I pray, God please help me to be a nicer person. Please help me help others.
I felt truth just rushing at me, too fast for me to comprehend. Yeah, I was so overwhelmed I was sobbing by the end of church. Especially when the new U2 song was played. The whole message pretty much ruined my day. I’ll never fully understand. I’m always going to screw up even when I know not to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never get this Christianity thing right.
I was wiped out. I took a nap at my mom’s, woke up grumpier than ever, and headed home. I saw the CD of the message laying on the seat of my car. I ignored it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like going through something I viewed as emotionally exhausting twice in one day. I did want to see if that U2 song was on there, though…no! I won’t listen to it. And then I did.
I followed along. I picked up things I missed the first time. I agreed. I smiled. I think I get it.
I’m always and forever going to screw up. I just will because I’m not God. However, I have to do two things which are complete opposites of each other: give it up. Don’t give up…but give it up…to Him. Or…another way to look at it….
GOD: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
HOLLY: God, learning about these things in Riverview is one thing. Living it out in life is totally different.
GOD: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
HOLLY: (focusing, quietly) All right, I'll give it a try.
GOD: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
HOLLY: I don't... I don't believe it.
GOD: That is why you fail.
Um, yeah, I know God sounds a lot like Yoda. What God does tell us is so priceless. I am not to try anything. I only have to know I can’t do it on my own. He will do it.
Galatians 5:22 When the Holy Spirit lives in us, He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It isn’t me that needs to try harder, strive to be better, set up extra rules and regulations to make myself these things. It is Him…He. I just have to trust Him and know I can’t do it on my own. I must pray over it, trust Him during the day, act by the Holy Spirit inside of me, and thank God for all that is good.
Probably sounds a little wishy washy to some of you. Hey, I lived this yesterday and maybe it was just my imagination but uh…it worked. I got into a couple of jams and I thought I was screwed but I prayed right away asking for help…and everything worked out. I found myself giving a little bit more, wanting to give a little bit more. I’m also getting along with someone I never thought I would. Oh, and I went to lunch with a co-worker who had a lot of questions for me about the Bible and God. I was able to just say what came to mind…and I even used the things I learned Sunday…twice.
These past couple of weeks at church have blown me away, though. I walk into Riverview so happy and giddy, take my seat near the front, sing a bunch of songs, start listening to the message…and end up a mess. I get so frustrated! It’s like I can’t comprehend what is being said. Perhaps it is going by too fast. Or maybe, I’m so focused on trying to understand what was just said that I miss the explanation. Here are some of the notes I have written to Joey in the past three weeks:
“I don’t understand.”
“ugh!”
“I can never be the way I need to be, the way Noel is talking about.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Something is just not clicking in my brain.”
“I give up.”
I’ve really been struggling with these messages about Paradoxes. I loved the first teaching about giving up your life to gain it. I understood most but I remember looking around desperately thinking, “I can’t be that nice to people.” See, I’m a wonderful person outside of work (ha ha) but once I get there, the florescent lights burn everything I’ve just learned out of my brain. “Give more, be nice, smile, don’t complain, calm down, answer that phone call, quit surfing the net...” Sorry. I just can’t do it.
As I was saying, I lost it Sunday. I walked into Riv as chirpy as ever, fluttering from person to person and nesting in a newer area (for a little change of pace). So we sing and la, la, la…Noel comes out and starts off by giving a lot of announcements…then…gives some family business…looks in our general direction and talks about what we should do when someone sins against us. Gulp. The whole message was really difficult for me to grasp and understand but oh, could I relate. Every morning I do push myself to do better, be better. I pray, God please help me to be a nicer person. Please help me help others.
I felt truth just rushing at me, too fast for me to comprehend. Yeah, I was so overwhelmed I was sobbing by the end of church. Especially when the new U2 song was played. The whole message pretty much ruined my day. I’ll never fully understand. I’m always going to screw up even when I know not to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never get this Christianity thing right.
I was wiped out. I took a nap at my mom’s, woke up grumpier than ever, and headed home. I saw the CD of the message laying on the seat of my car. I ignored it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like going through something I viewed as emotionally exhausting twice in one day. I did want to see if that U2 song was on there, though…no! I won’t listen to it. And then I did.
I followed along. I picked up things I missed the first time. I agreed. I smiled. I think I get it.
I’m always and forever going to screw up. I just will because I’m not God. However, I have to do two things which are complete opposites of each other: give it up. Don’t give up…but give it up…to Him. Or…another way to look at it….
GOD: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
HOLLY: God, learning about these things in Riverview is one thing. Living it out in life is totally different.
GOD: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
HOLLY: (focusing, quietly) All right, I'll give it a try.
GOD: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
HOLLY: I don't... I don't believe it.
GOD: That is why you fail.
Um, yeah, I know God sounds a lot like Yoda. What God does tell us is so priceless. I am not to try anything. I only have to know I can’t do it on my own. He will do it.
Galatians 5:22 When the Holy Spirit lives in us, He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It isn’t me that needs to try harder, strive to be better, set up extra rules and regulations to make myself these things. It is Him…He. I just have to trust Him and know I can’t do it on my own. I must pray over it, trust Him during the day, act by the Holy Spirit inside of me, and thank God for all that is good.
Probably sounds a little wishy washy to some of you. Hey, I lived this yesterday and maybe it was just my imagination but uh…it worked. I got into a couple of jams and I thought I was screwed but I prayed right away asking for help…and everything worked out. I found myself giving a little bit more, wanting to give a little bit more. I’m also getting along with someone I never thought I would. Oh, and I went to lunch with a co-worker who had a lot of questions for me about the Bible and God. I was able to just say what came to mind…and I even used the things I learned Sunday…twice.
I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can’t help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right! I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. It seems a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
I never would have guessed that me and a man over 2,000 years old could have so much in common…
I never would have guessed that me and a man over 2,000 years old could have so much in common…
Thursday, April 21, 2005
My Hurt
What is bummin me out? Really want to know?
There is a person in my life…someone who deeply influenced me while I was growing up. She was someone I looked up to but could never really be myself around. She has accepted me as her daughter and I know she is proud of me. The problem is this person is harsh, biting, and judgmental when it comes to her opinion versus yours. I have rarely ever stood up to her or defended by views because I know there is just no point. I end up sitting there and listening to her rants. Still, I love this person. She has been in my life since I was born. She makes me laugh and when she isn’t being opinionated, we have a great time.
I bet you guessed by now why I’m hurt.
She told me on Easter Sunday she would support me even if she didn’t agree. She said she would come to my baptism. She even e-mailed me back on Monday and asked if she should bring her own Legos to church on Sunday…I took that as a sign that she would be there, despite her differing view. I was a little shocked when my father called me Sunday morning to say he didn’t know if she was going or not. Then, he arrived by himself. I blew it off, not putting too much thought into it. After all, I didn’t do it for her. I don’t need her approval….or do I?
My father called me Sunday evening to thank me and say he had a good time. I asked why she didn’t come. He took a deep breath and said, “That is something you’ll have to patch up with her?” Huh? Patch up? What did I break? “She loves you very much but she doesn’t agree with what you are doing. She doesn’t think you are making the right decisions.”
That is what hurts. She is trying to make a point. She was going to go but decided not to in order to make a point to me. It hurt and it feels intentional.
She attended my band concerts in school.
She came to my awards presentations.
She had birthday parties for me.
She took part in all of the holidays.
She made me feel at home.
She attended the baptisms of my niece and nephew.
She came to my high school graduation.
She came to my college graduation.
She came to all of the parents’ days in high school and college.
She came to every one of my new apartments. Even brought me a housewarming gift.
But she couldn't bring herself to come to this, to not even check out the church or meet the pastors. Forget the differences in our views. I can accept those. But I’m not a child making bad decisions and I need her to know this one hurt. Knowing me, I will back down, not say anything, and carry on as usual. Perhaps not, though. I've got to relay it to her somehow.
Thank you for your advice on this matter. I took all of it to heart and it will help lead me. I pray God gives me direction and the words to say what needs to be said without being a spoiled brat about it.
There is a person in my life…someone who deeply influenced me while I was growing up. She was someone I looked up to but could never really be myself around. She has accepted me as her daughter and I know she is proud of me. The problem is this person is harsh, biting, and judgmental when it comes to her opinion versus yours. I have rarely ever stood up to her or defended by views because I know there is just no point. I end up sitting there and listening to her rants. Still, I love this person. She has been in my life since I was born. She makes me laugh and when she isn’t being opinionated, we have a great time.
I bet you guessed by now why I’m hurt.
She told me on Easter Sunday she would support me even if she didn’t agree. She said she would come to my baptism. She even e-mailed me back on Monday and asked if she should bring her own Legos to church on Sunday…I took that as a sign that she would be there, despite her differing view. I was a little shocked when my father called me Sunday morning to say he didn’t know if she was going or not. Then, he arrived by himself. I blew it off, not putting too much thought into it. After all, I didn’t do it for her. I don’t need her approval….or do I?
My father called me Sunday evening to thank me and say he had a good time. I asked why she didn’t come. He took a deep breath and said, “That is something you’ll have to patch up with her?” Huh? Patch up? What did I break? “She loves you very much but she doesn’t agree with what you are doing. She doesn’t think you are making the right decisions.”
That is what hurts. She is trying to make a point. She was going to go but decided not to in order to make a point to me. It hurt and it feels intentional.
She attended my band concerts in school.
She came to my awards presentations.
She had birthday parties for me.
She took part in all of the holidays.
She made me feel at home.
She attended the baptisms of my niece and nephew.
She came to my high school graduation.
She came to my college graduation.
She came to all of the parents’ days in high school and college.
She came to every one of my new apartments. Even brought me a housewarming gift.
But she couldn't bring herself to come to this, to not even check out the church or meet the pastors. Forget the differences in our views. I can accept those. But I’m not a child making bad decisions and I need her to know this one hurt. Knowing me, I will back down, not say anything, and carry on as usual. Perhaps not, though. I've got to relay it to her somehow.
Thank you for your advice on this matter. I took all of it to heart and it will help lead me. I pray God gives me direction and the words to say what needs to be said without being a spoiled brat about it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Question pour vous.....
Let's say someone deeply hurt me...and it isn't the first time...do I have a right to explain it to them or do I just suck it up and carry on as if nothing happened? I know that just because I am a Christian doesn't mean I am a whimp. I'm just prayfully trying to figure out a way to let this person know that this last hurt is hurting the worst...I'll forgive them (which they probably won't ask for) but I need for this person to know this time. This person doesn't have to believe the same things I do. That isn't what this is about...I just want them to know...I think (whimp).
Philippians 4:8
Whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable--
if anything is excellent
or praiseworthy--
think about such things
(and Holly, quit being a baby when things don't go your way).
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable--
if anything is excellent
or praiseworthy--
think about such things
(and Holly, quit being a baby when things don't go your way).
OK
It has been 10 years since the Oklahoma City bombing. It still makes me want to cry. I was a freshman in college, came home from my morning class, flipped on the TV for a little Happy Days before my next class and saw the carnage. I felt sick inside and could not take my eyes away from the images. The darkest hour was when I realized how many children died. My nephew was just a little guy at the time and all I could think about was him. I went home that weekend just to give him a hug. I wanted to apologize to him for this crazy world. Of course, he was so young, he didn’t know how crazy it gets. When the news of the OK bombing finally died down, I remember feeling relieved as lives slowly returned to normal. “Wow,” I remember thinking, “this is the worst disaster I’ve ever known…an American bombing a building…how horrible…”
Prayers to those who lived through it. Their healing continues.
Prayers to those who lived through it. Their healing continues.
The Light
Most of you know...I got baptized on Sunday! It was such a wonderful experience. My friends drove in from D-town and most of my family members also came to support me. I was nervous but the Hills calmed me down a bit by saying "whoever is supposed to be here will." I know not all of my friends liked the church (actually, all of my friends liked the church a lot but some of the guests of my friends thought it was weird...ha! Yes! That is why I attend church there.) and my step-dad had some issues with the lesson but other than that, awesome day! The best part (other than introducing my peeps to my pastors and Riv friends) was getting into the baptismal pool. I was trying to focus on why I was doing all of this...but when I got on my knees, the water went up my shirt and I started laughing. I went backwards into the water, briefly, with my eyes shut and my nose plugged but there was no darkness...all I saw and felt was light. Beautiful white light. In my mind, under the water, I said to myself, "Now others know you walk in the light....Now."
Thank you, Riverview....which would include the pastors that teach us, Chuck who helped me sort out some stuff, and my friends who really are the coolest.
Thank you, Family for coming and supporting me even if you had reservations.
Thank you, Best Friends who felt convicted to drive all that way to see me take such a major step.
Thank You, God, for all of them...and of course, Your son...who is You...I'm still trying to sort that out...but also thank You for the warm water.
Thank you, Riverview....which would include the pastors that teach us, Chuck who helped me sort out some stuff, and my friends who really are the coolest.
Thank you, Family for coming and supporting me even if you had reservations.
Thank you, Best Friends who felt convicted to drive all that way to see me take such a major step.
Thank You, God, for all of them...and of course, Your son...who is You...I'm still trying to sort that out...but also thank You for the warm water.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Sunday Tears
I feel like I cried all day Sunday, but I'm sure I laughed a few times. It started when Noel got up to deliver his message. He announced that Dan's dad passed away that morning. I looked at Joey, looked back at Noel, looked at Joey, looked back at Noel...for some reason I was confused. I didn't understand. I kept telling Joey, "I don't understand." Then, it started to sink in and...well...yeah. I had to leave for a minute to pull it together (and to get us some tissue). I could tell Noel was feeling it, too. He had just found out two minutes before. Of course, Noel had perspective which we needed to be reminded of...so he reminded us. He taught about giving up your life in order to gain it. The message made me feel that there was no way I could ever live up to these expectations. Maybe I'll blog about the message at a later time. Right now I want to blog about crying.
The second time I started crying was when Noel talked about giving up his dream of planting a church. I turned to Joey and whispered, "What if Grace and Noel had left to plant a church before I got here? Would I still be here?" That is something crazy for me (pastors, close your eyes :). What if...I love that little game we play with ourselves. Still, everything was exactly as it should have been when I started going to Riverview. God had it lined up. He knew it would take someone crazy to open my heart....but it really hit me hard and I felt gratitude for all God has done for me through my pastors and other people. So, I started crying.
And then Dana's story was told. It was told in a way that I forgot I had written it. I bowed my head and just listened. Joey whispered, "you made everyone cry, Holly." I looked up and saw how powerful the story had been. I saw that it moved people, made people think. It made me think and re-think. I shared the CD with Dana. She is so honored that the trials she went through can possibly help other people.
I know I'm not supposed to think my church is the coolest...but it is. I know I can think God is the coolest. And he is.
The second time I started crying was when Noel talked about giving up his dream of planting a church. I turned to Joey and whispered, "What if Grace and Noel had left to plant a church before I got here? Would I still be here?" That is something crazy for me (pastors, close your eyes :). What if...I love that little game we play with ourselves. Still, everything was exactly as it should have been when I started going to Riverview. God had it lined up. He knew it would take someone crazy to open my heart....but it really hit me hard and I felt gratitude for all God has done for me through my pastors and other people. So, I started crying.
And then Dana's story was told. It was told in a way that I forgot I had written it. I bowed my head and just listened. Joey whispered, "you made everyone cry, Holly." I looked up and saw how powerful the story had been. I saw that it moved people, made people think. It made me think and re-think. I shared the CD with Dana. She is so honored that the trials she went through can possibly help other people.
I know I'm not supposed to think my church is the coolest...but it is. I know I can think God is the coolest. And he is.
Last Saturday
Saturday was a good day.
Joey brought the pups over to my sister’s and the whole family (excluding my sis—she was recovering from an infected arm in the hospital) cleaned the house. We grilled out for lunch, got rid of a lot of stuff, and actually had fun. When the ice cream dude pulled up, we all got a yummy treat. The Heikkinen’s were also out enjoying the beautiful weather. Little Cole tugged on my pant leg and pointed to the ice cream he wanted. “Uh.” That was what he said. He tugged on my pant leg again because he needed the ice cream opened. “Uh.” Such a serious, little guy.
That evening, Joey and my brother-in-law loaded up Joey’s basketball hoop into my brother-in-law’s trailer. Then we took the kids and drove up to Dewitt to see the Mazur’s. They live out in the country but not too far from the city (I like that kind of country). It was a nice drive and a warm welcome. I truly enjoy Kate and Brent and the kids….well…they are so adorable. Even when Luke tries to escape his bath and Ruth just doesn’t know what she wants, they are such cuties. I’ve really taken to Amber. She is such a special girl. She made Joey and I a card thanking us for the basketball hoop. I have it hanging next to my desk. It makes me smile. I look forward to more fun times with the Mazur's :)
Joey brought the pups over to my sister’s and the whole family (excluding my sis—she was recovering from an infected arm in the hospital) cleaned the house. We grilled out for lunch, got rid of a lot of stuff, and actually had fun. When the ice cream dude pulled up, we all got a yummy treat. The Heikkinen’s were also out enjoying the beautiful weather. Little Cole tugged on my pant leg and pointed to the ice cream he wanted. “Uh.” That was what he said. He tugged on my pant leg again because he needed the ice cream opened. “Uh.” Such a serious, little guy.
That evening, Joey and my brother-in-law loaded up Joey’s basketball hoop into my brother-in-law’s trailer. Then we took the kids and drove up to Dewitt to see the Mazur’s. They live out in the country but not too far from the city (I like that kind of country). It was a nice drive and a warm welcome. I truly enjoy Kate and Brent and the kids….well…they are so adorable. Even when Luke tries to escape his bath and Ruth just doesn’t know what she wants, they are such cuties. I’ve really taken to Amber. She is such a special girl. She made Joey and I a card thanking us for the basketball hoop. I have it hanging next to my desk. It makes me smile. I look forward to more fun times with the Mazur's :)
Fish
My fish died Tuesday. His name was McNeil. He died of constipation. I'm told there was nothing I could have really done.
The other fish are dying one by one, also. Our supervisor got them for us to bring up morale. Now he's telling us we only get three minutes for bereavement.
The other fish are dying one by one, also. Our supervisor got them for us to bring up morale. Now he's telling us we only get three minutes for bereavement.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Work
Dana: High healed shoes aren't a great idea half way through the day.
Jim (our supervisor): I don't know, I only wear them at night.
Jim (our supervisor): I don't know, I only wear them at night.
Written with her permission :o)
Her name is Dana. She is a month older than I, very happily married, a co-worker, and a new Christ follower. Dana is also my roommate’s best friend since high school. She sits a row over from me and is definitely an innovative thinker, challenging the old system of how we do things here at Valassis. More and more, we have confided in each other and turned to one another for support. I’ve written about her before, telling about the excitement of watching a new Christian get all fired up for God. Tami and I invited Dana to our weekly Purpose Driven Lunch and she accepted, full of enthusiasm. It was during our first meeting last week that I really got to know Dana and I clearly saw God’s work in her life.
Dana grew up Catholic with mom, dad, and little sister, Lauren. Her parents divorced when Dana was out of high school but the two remained friends. She was engaged to a man who had no background in God, church, religion, or Christ…but they love each other deeply. Her job at Chrysler was somewhat fulfilling but so far from her home. This was Dana’s world: happy, fulfilled, stable.
On September 24, 2002, Dana’s father sat down to lunch with a friend and then collapsed. He was rushed to ER where it was determined that he had a stroke. He couldn’t walk, could no longer communicate well, and became a shadow of the man he had been. While her father was still in the hospital, Dana had to make a decision: get married without him present or postpone. She and Jeff talked it over and married that November. They didn’t know when he would get better…if he would get better so they moved forward.
In February, the hospital wanted to release her father from the hospital. No one knew where he should live. As scared as she was, Dana stepped up and said, “I’ll take Dad.” She quit her job at Chrysler and turned her dining room into a mini hospital room. She became her father’s caretaker. Weeks went by with Dana trying to help her dad. She spoke to him, took him to the park, fed him and held his hand. He had been her best friend growing up. She couldn’t turn her back on him now. Occasionally, her mother would visit and Lauren would come home from college to help out on the weekends. Mostly, Dana was on her own. She got to the point where she would wake up in the morning, dreading the daylight, crying for her father and for her freedom. She was 27-years-old and newly married. She felt she should be living it up, having the time of her life, hanging out with friends…it wasn’t supposed to be this way. But every morning and every night, Dana’s father would manage to say, “thank you so much for doing this…I’ll never forget you.” It kept her going.
Her father was getting worse. Dana felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. A visit from a friend probably saved her. Dana unloaded all that she was feeling. This friend turned to her and said, “Dana, it isn’t about you. You are figuring out something most people never understand. This world isn’t about you. It is about God and God needs you to help your father.” Dana swallowed her feelings, stood up to the emptiness, and gave her all as her father slipped away. He died a year and an hour to the day he had the stroke: September 24, 2003.
Dana felt some relief because her dad wasn’t suffering anymore but now the emptiness of not having her father made her ache. She knew she needed something else, something that would fulfill her like nothing else could. Something to fill a void. She debated going back to her Catholic church but felt they had turned their back on her when she needed them most. She had attended some Christian church camps in high school but wasn’t really sure where to turn.
Dana started working at Valassis in July of 2004. I already knew Dana but it took awhile for the rest to get to know her well. It wasn’t until she was seated next to Jaime that things really started to change. Jaime, a Christian sista, listened to Dana’s daily stories and could see that she wanted more, needed more. She began to pray for Dana and then one day, while they were talking, I walked over and started blabbing about how cool God is. We encouraged Dana and then Jaime found the right moment to invite her to Genesis Church.
“So far so good,” Dana said. “Even Jeff looks forward to going, though I’m not going to push him. This is a huge step for us.”
Dana took a deep breath at this point in the story. It was a tough one to tell. She laughed and said, “you know, I’m a child development major and here I am making coupons!” Tami and I laughed. “You just don’t know,” she continued, “what you are really capable of until you are faced with it. I never thought I could take care of my father and watch him die but somehow I did it. It’s true. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You just don’t know you can handle it until He gives it to you.” “That’s how we grow, isn’t it?” I asked. She nodded.
It is no accident that Dana works at Valassis. True, her best friend is a supervisor here. Still, it makes so much sense. Dana was trying to find God but she didn’t know what He was like or where He was or how she would recognize Him. So God helped her by placing her in the middle of “Christian-ville” here at Valassis…because He loves her that much. And the void?
“It’s gone,” Dana smiled.
Dana grew up Catholic with mom, dad, and little sister, Lauren. Her parents divorced when Dana was out of high school but the two remained friends. She was engaged to a man who had no background in God, church, religion, or Christ…but they love each other deeply. Her job at Chrysler was somewhat fulfilling but so far from her home. This was Dana’s world: happy, fulfilled, stable.
On September 24, 2002, Dana’s father sat down to lunch with a friend and then collapsed. He was rushed to ER where it was determined that he had a stroke. He couldn’t walk, could no longer communicate well, and became a shadow of the man he had been. While her father was still in the hospital, Dana had to make a decision: get married without him present or postpone. She and Jeff talked it over and married that November. They didn’t know when he would get better…if he would get better so they moved forward.
In February, the hospital wanted to release her father from the hospital. No one knew where he should live. As scared as she was, Dana stepped up and said, “I’ll take Dad.” She quit her job at Chrysler and turned her dining room into a mini hospital room. She became her father’s caretaker. Weeks went by with Dana trying to help her dad. She spoke to him, took him to the park, fed him and held his hand. He had been her best friend growing up. She couldn’t turn her back on him now. Occasionally, her mother would visit and Lauren would come home from college to help out on the weekends. Mostly, Dana was on her own. She got to the point where she would wake up in the morning, dreading the daylight, crying for her father and for her freedom. She was 27-years-old and newly married. She felt she should be living it up, having the time of her life, hanging out with friends…it wasn’t supposed to be this way. But every morning and every night, Dana’s father would manage to say, “thank you so much for doing this…I’ll never forget you.” It kept her going.
Her father was getting worse. Dana felt like she couldn’t take it anymore. A visit from a friend probably saved her. Dana unloaded all that she was feeling. This friend turned to her and said, “Dana, it isn’t about you. You are figuring out something most people never understand. This world isn’t about you. It is about God and God needs you to help your father.” Dana swallowed her feelings, stood up to the emptiness, and gave her all as her father slipped away. He died a year and an hour to the day he had the stroke: September 24, 2003.
Dana felt some relief because her dad wasn’t suffering anymore but now the emptiness of not having her father made her ache. She knew she needed something else, something that would fulfill her like nothing else could. Something to fill a void. She debated going back to her Catholic church but felt they had turned their back on her when she needed them most. She had attended some Christian church camps in high school but wasn’t really sure where to turn.
Dana started working at Valassis in July of 2004. I already knew Dana but it took awhile for the rest to get to know her well. It wasn’t until she was seated next to Jaime that things really started to change. Jaime, a Christian sista, listened to Dana’s daily stories and could see that she wanted more, needed more. She began to pray for Dana and then one day, while they were talking, I walked over and started blabbing about how cool God is. We encouraged Dana and then Jaime found the right moment to invite her to Genesis Church.
“So far so good,” Dana said. “Even Jeff looks forward to going, though I’m not going to push him. This is a huge step for us.”
Dana took a deep breath at this point in the story. It was a tough one to tell. She laughed and said, “you know, I’m a child development major and here I am making coupons!” Tami and I laughed. “You just don’t know,” she continued, “what you are really capable of until you are faced with it. I never thought I could take care of my father and watch him die but somehow I did it. It’s true. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You just don’t know you can handle it until He gives it to you.” “That’s how we grow, isn’t it?” I asked. She nodded.
It is no accident that Dana works at Valassis. True, her best friend is a supervisor here. Still, it makes so much sense. Dana was trying to find God but she didn’t know what He was like or where He was or how she would recognize Him. So God helped her by placing her in the middle of “Christian-ville” here at Valassis…because He loves her that much. And the void?
“It’s gone,” Dana smiled.
Endings
There have been so many high-profile, public deaths lately....Terri, the pope, Jessica...many more. I haven't said much about these stories, at least, on my blog. I will probably be commenting, though, now that the stories have quieted down. Kelly wrote a touching summary of working on the Jessica Lunsford case. Check it out if you get a chance. I may have said it before, but I really think God wants she and Chris down there to help people.
New Mom
I came into work this morning, and there was a fishbowl with a little goldfish inside, sitting on my desk! I gasped, feeling slightly nervous but overall excited. Everyone got them for our new initiative: Fish Philosophy. The Fish Philosophy is "Have Fun! Choose Your Attitude! Make Someone's Day! Be There!" What a great idea...except I'm a worried new mom. My fish wasn't moving much and then he started getting really hyper, freaking out. I think he's having a hard time pooing. Also, I'm constantly wondering if he's bored, sick, upset, constipated, hungry...and I've only had him for half an hour. Amy brought her fish over to play but they do not seem interested in each other. Oh well.
Now I have to come up with a name. I'm trying to decide between Manuel, Maverick, Moses, or Memphis. I guess I'm leaning toward a "M" name. Any thoughts?
Now I have to come up with a name. I'm trying to decide between Manuel, Maverick, Moses, or Memphis. I guess I'm leaning toward a "M" name. Any thoughts?
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
My Early 20s
I met BT my freshman year of college. I vaguely remember the introductions which took place in the Towers (dorms at CMU) but it made more of an impression on him. We both lived in Saxe Hall our Sophomore year and were introduced again. His roommate was a friend of the guy across the hall from my room. BT knocked on my door one night and asked if I wanted to go see Ace Ventura Pet Detective Part 2. Uh…no. It wasn’t just the offer to go see a sucky movie that caused me to say no. I had a boyfriend at the time who was still finishing up high school in Holland. BT moved on to another girl and all was well. We hung out casually in the cafeteria and in his dorm room but nothing about him motivated me to want to date him.
Junior year of college recap: broke up with boyfriend while I was living with 3 guys, joined a sorority to meet new people, signed my major which was broadcasting, proceeded to make friends in the department, got involved in student radio and television, started dating one of my roommates and got a job at the Public Broadcasting station. My new boyfriend was 22 and I would go to the bar with him. Of course, I had a big huge “X” on my hand indicating I was underage but I still went with him. BT was at the bar one night. He had a fake ID and asked if I wanted a drink. I laughed, explaining I was with someone and no, I couldn’t drink. Something about BT was different that night. He was flirty and bold. His risk taking made an impression on me.
The second semester of my senior year—I was heartbroken and depressed. I had to find a job soon as graduation was right around the corner. My boyfriend and I had broken up but the new guy I had fallen for wanted nothing to do with me. BT walked in the bar as I sat there with a friend. He pulled up a stool next to mine and we talked all night. He asked me out to dinner and I finally said yes. It only took me all of college to say do it.
I was really unsure about this guy at first but his confidence was charming. He planned dinners for us and liked to surprise me. For the first time, I was in a real relationship. We didn’t fight. We liked to be together. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. It was an awesome time in my life. He was Lebanese and catholic. The whole thing amazed me.
After graduation, he went back to his parent’s house in Novi and started working for a recruiting company. I went back to Lansing working at meaningless jobs trying to save money. We visited each other every other weekend. When a company in Southfield, MI offered me a job, I jumped at the chance. It didn’t matter that they paid me in dirt. It didn’t matter that my office was behind the filing cabinets. It didn’t matter that they didn’t even give me a computer. It didn’t matter that I had to live with my sorority sister’s parents. None of this mattered because I was closer to BT.
We had a rocky first year. I moved into my own apartment about three miles from his parent’s house. We saw each other quite a bit and tension started to work its way into our relationship. We hit our one year mark and BT broke up with me. He said it was all getting too serious for him. I was devastated and tried to accept it. A month past and just as I was starting to pick myself up, he came back.
We fought more than we used to which may have led to the second breakup, a year after the first one. Same story: I was devastated, he just wanted space and we ended up at a party together…and leaving together. By the summer of 2000, it seemed we were going to be okay. But then there was the bachelor party in Vegas…and I just couldn’t handle the stories circulating among our friends. Third time—breakup. This time, I wasn’t so heartbroken. At first, I was but after a couple of weeks, I was out on the town with a new set of friends. My old set of friends and I actually became stronger friends, too. I got ambitious. I quit my job and got a new one at Ford. Things were looking awesome for me…and of course that attracted BT. He missed me but when he tried to come back this time, I had some conditions: we were going to stay together no matter what. If he didn’t think he was going to marry me, I wanted him gone. For the first time, BT said he did want to marry me and we talked about a two year plan. I was giddy.
BT bought a house in Berkley, about 25 minutes away from my apartment. My lease was up so I moved to Ferndale, right down the road from him. This was the golden era of our relationship. We both had the things we liked to do separately and the stuff we had together. For the most part, I was his wife…most likely in God’s eyes. He and his friends started a band. I was their manager. We had so much fun…but there was a lot of selfishness in both of us.
During the spring and summer of 2001, I felt a tug at my heart. I wanted to find a church for us because I wasn’t sure I could go to the Catholic Church his parents’ went to. I started researching different religions and we discussed them. He was finally open to finding a church we both liked…but I was pretty much on my own for doing the leg-work. I remember making a resolution at the beginning of 2002. I wanted to go to a different church each Sunday until I found one I liked. I think September 11th furthered the need to have God in my life. I went to one. Just one church. It was a Universal church and the lady taught about Christ, Buddha and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t understand. Here is the scary part: I liked it. But BT would not go with me the following weekend. God in action J I went to a Pentecostal church with my co-worker. I mostly liked it…well, just the message. I bought a tape of the sermon and played it for BT the same day. He liked it, too but I noticed he was dragging his feet. He didn’t want to give up the Arabic speaking Catholic church.
We talked about moving in together when my lease was up in the fall of 2002. I moved a bunch of my stuff into his house and we set up a budget of who would pay what. I was excited for this next, big move. I spent less and less time in my apartment and pretty much lived with BT. But I found myself increasingly alone. BT was working some odd jobs and was obsessed with making a million…or at least a lot of money. His family was successful and he saw success as having a lot of cash. But I wanted heart…more than he was willing to give.
For some weird reason, I was listening to Dr. Laura a lot at that time. She was changing my views. She was urging me not to be a “shack-up hunny.” Somehow, it all started coming undone in May 2002. BT went to stay in Lebanon for a month. I was relieved. It gave me time to think. I found myself picking up apartment guides and researching new jobs. I took a leap and applied to a coupon making company. I wanted something else. I wanted more. I remember praying hard at that time, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “God, please help me figure this out. Am I supposed to be with him?”
BT came back from Lebanon. He was different. He seemed anti-American and more driven to make money. We had heated arguments. I was demanding. He was independent. I spent more time at my apartment. We wouldn’t speak for a few days at a time. But I also got the job at Val which was 20 minutes away in Livonia. The new job boosted my self-esteem. I made a bold move to Novi in September 2002. God was answering my prayers but I didn’t know it because I didn’t know Him.
BT and I continued our downward slide but God had plans for both of us and it was going to be a little painful but we were going to turn out better than before.
Junior year of college recap: broke up with boyfriend while I was living with 3 guys, joined a sorority to meet new people, signed my major which was broadcasting, proceeded to make friends in the department, got involved in student radio and television, started dating one of my roommates and got a job at the Public Broadcasting station. My new boyfriend was 22 and I would go to the bar with him. Of course, I had a big huge “X” on my hand indicating I was underage but I still went with him. BT was at the bar one night. He had a fake ID and asked if I wanted a drink. I laughed, explaining I was with someone and no, I couldn’t drink. Something about BT was different that night. He was flirty and bold. His risk taking made an impression on me.
The second semester of my senior year—I was heartbroken and depressed. I had to find a job soon as graduation was right around the corner. My boyfriend and I had broken up but the new guy I had fallen for wanted nothing to do with me. BT walked in the bar as I sat there with a friend. He pulled up a stool next to mine and we talked all night. He asked me out to dinner and I finally said yes. It only took me all of college to say do it.
I was really unsure about this guy at first but his confidence was charming. He planned dinners for us and liked to surprise me. For the first time, I was in a real relationship. We didn’t fight. We liked to be together. We enjoyed a lot of the same things. It was an awesome time in my life. He was Lebanese and catholic. The whole thing amazed me.
After graduation, he went back to his parent’s house in Novi and started working for a recruiting company. I went back to Lansing working at meaningless jobs trying to save money. We visited each other every other weekend. When a company in Southfield, MI offered me a job, I jumped at the chance. It didn’t matter that they paid me in dirt. It didn’t matter that my office was behind the filing cabinets. It didn’t matter that they didn’t even give me a computer. It didn’t matter that I had to live with my sorority sister’s parents. None of this mattered because I was closer to BT.
We had a rocky first year. I moved into my own apartment about three miles from his parent’s house. We saw each other quite a bit and tension started to work its way into our relationship. We hit our one year mark and BT broke up with me. He said it was all getting too serious for him. I was devastated and tried to accept it. A month past and just as I was starting to pick myself up, he came back.
We fought more than we used to which may have led to the second breakup, a year after the first one. Same story: I was devastated, he just wanted space and we ended up at a party together…and leaving together. By the summer of 2000, it seemed we were going to be okay. But then there was the bachelor party in Vegas…and I just couldn’t handle the stories circulating among our friends. Third time—breakup. This time, I wasn’t so heartbroken. At first, I was but after a couple of weeks, I was out on the town with a new set of friends. My old set of friends and I actually became stronger friends, too. I got ambitious. I quit my job and got a new one at Ford. Things were looking awesome for me…and of course that attracted BT. He missed me but when he tried to come back this time, I had some conditions: we were going to stay together no matter what. If he didn’t think he was going to marry me, I wanted him gone. For the first time, BT said he did want to marry me and we talked about a two year plan. I was giddy.
BT bought a house in Berkley, about 25 minutes away from my apartment. My lease was up so I moved to Ferndale, right down the road from him. This was the golden era of our relationship. We both had the things we liked to do separately and the stuff we had together. For the most part, I was his wife…most likely in God’s eyes. He and his friends started a band. I was their manager. We had so much fun…but there was a lot of selfishness in both of us.
During the spring and summer of 2001, I felt a tug at my heart. I wanted to find a church for us because I wasn’t sure I could go to the Catholic Church his parents’ went to. I started researching different religions and we discussed them. He was finally open to finding a church we both liked…but I was pretty much on my own for doing the leg-work. I remember making a resolution at the beginning of 2002. I wanted to go to a different church each Sunday until I found one I liked. I think September 11th furthered the need to have God in my life. I went to one. Just one church. It was a Universal church and the lady taught about Christ, Buddha and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t understand. Here is the scary part: I liked it. But BT would not go with me the following weekend. God in action J I went to a Pentecostal church with my co-worker. I mostly liked it…well, just the message. I bought a tape of the sermon and played it for BT the same day. He liked it, too but I noticed he was dragging his feet. He didn’t want to give up the Arabic speaking Catholic church.
We talked about moving in together when my lease was up in the fall of 2002. I moved a bunch of my stuff into his house and we set up a budget of who would pay what. I was excited for this next, big move. I spent less and less time in my apartment and pretty much lived with BT. But I found myself increasingly alone. BT was working some odd jobs and was obsessed with making a million…or at least a lot of money. His family was successful and he saw success as having a lot of cash. But I wanted heart…more than he was willing to give.
For some weird reason, I was listening to Dr. Laura a lot at that time. She was changing my views. She was urging me not to be a “shack-up hunny.” Somehow, it all started coming undone in May 2002. BT went to stay in Lebanon for a month. I was relieved. It gave me time to think. I found myself picking up apartment guides and researching new jobs. I took a leap and applied to a coupon making company. I wanted something else. I wanted more. I remember praying hard at that time, looking up at the ceiling and saying, “God, please help me figure this out. Am I supposed to be with him?”
BT came back from Lebanon. He was different. He seemed anti-American and more driven to make money. We had heated arguments. I was demanding. He was independent. I spent more time at my apartment. We wouldn’t speak for a few days at a time. But I also got the job at Val which was 20 minutes away in Livonia. The new job boosted my self-esteem. I made a bold move to Novi in September 2002. God was answering my prayers but I didn’t know it because I didn’t know Him.
BT and I continued our downward slide but God had plans for both of us and it was going to be a little painful but we were going to turn out better than before.
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