"So...what do you want me to do? Just sit around and wait while you make up your mind? Do you expect me to just tap my fingers and stare at a blank wall while you make a decision??? Yeah...wait around for you...sure..."
I've said that before. I've heard others in my life say the same thing. Waiting = doing nothing
I was listening to a Christian program on the radio yesterday. They were talking about active waiting. They didn't call it active waiting but that's what it was.
You don't sit around doing nothing. You get on your knees and stay there, praying and asking God for wisdom. You get in the Word and you stay there, seeking the Lord's will.
Waiting = Praying
Waiting = Reading
Waiting = Listening
Waiting = Seeking council
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
The Peacful Day Before cont.
I pulled my car into the Ponderosa parking lot and stopped alongside the row of trees next to the freeway. I was in a daze as Devon talked. We were both torn between shock, grief, and excitement for Susan. Honestly….and yes, I’m going to divulge this information about myself to be honest…but I honestly had a part of me that thought, “my wedding is ruined.” It was ruined because the sky didn’t seem as blue. Ruined because I didn’t feel smiley anymore. Ruined because my pastors and friends were grief-stricken. Ruined because Noah’s mommy was gone and Joel’s best friend…gone.
As I began pulling up a chair to the pity party in my head, I heard Devon say, “Holly, this should not effect your wedding. Susan’s life is a celebration and your wedding is a celebration as well.” I hung up with Devon and called Jenny. As we discussed what had happened, I felt I needed to see Joey as soon as possible. I called him next. He was confused because we had decided not to have contact with each other until the wedding. Just hearing his voice made me miss him so much more. We hung up as I walked into my mom’s work for my appointment. Words began to slip out of my mouth and it seemed unreal to me. I lay down in the chair to get my eyebrow’s waxed and tears streamed down my face. I’m not sure if my mom thought it was from the waxing or if she knew. She didn’t really say. She just wiped them as they fell.
Now, I was really thinking about Noah, Susan’s two-year-old. I saw them two weeks before then. It was after the 11:30 service and Susan was sitting in the front row of church with Noah. Dan was playing the guitar while Noah clapped his hands. We made some small talk but nothing I can remember. I do remember her face and that she was wearing a brown jacket of some kind. I remember that because of her huge brown eyes. My memory took me back to the days when I first met her…probably in 2004 when she took over Suzanne’s position in RivKids. Susan and I seemed to have a similar sense of humor at times. I remembered when she was pregnant. I remembered when Joel, her husband, joined RivRunners e-mailing list but never showed up to the runs until about two months ago. I remembered Joel and I laughing about it, how he had been one of the first members but it took two more years for his schedule to clear. I also remember when Susan talked about her past to the entire church. I e-mailed her that week to thank her for coming forward but I used the Susan@eriv.net. Again-ha, ha because a different Susan using that e-mail address now, e-mailed me back. I never followed through.
My mom finished my brows and my phone rang. It was Joey. Before I could pick up the phone, I totally lost it. I handed the phone to my mom who explained to Joey that I couldn’t talk—literally. I left the salon and headed toward East Lansing to complete an errand. I called Joey’s mom, Reta, to make sure she brought her grandparents’ place setting for the wedding communion. But again, I could barely speak. “Where are you, honey?” She asked. I looked around me…feeling lost in my own town.
“Riverview,” I managed to say.
“Pull into the parking lot. I’m coming to get you.” So, I did. I grabbed my Bible and sat on the grass sobbing hysterically. Not a soul was near. Just me and God. I cried to Him and read from Matthew. I can’t ever remember what I read now. Reta picked me up but I couldn’t get a grip. Thoughts of Susan, Joel and Noah just kept running through my head. And her friends…who were my friends…and her pastor who is my pastor….the Savior we share…
Reta drove me to Pruess’ Pet store. I wanted to buy Joey a Plecostomus for his fish tank as his had died a few days before. I got overwhelmed and we ended up getting him a gift card. Joey called while we ran our next errand. He told his mom he had looked everywhere for the DVD burner. Now he remembered where it was. Reta turned to me and said, “I have good news…and some bad news. But in light of everything going on, it really isn’t that bad.”
“Okay,” I responded. I had calmed down enough and actually felt peaceful.
“The good news is we know where the DVD burner is but that’s where the bad news starts. It was in the basket of stuff Junior had brought to Charlar Place which must have been pushed under a table.”
“Oh no…”
“And the owner of Charlar Place is up north for the rest of the weekend.”
“Oh…..no…..”
We devised a plan to go to Best Buy and purchase another DVD burner. In the meantime, Peter would bring his Mac over to my mom’s in about an hour to see if we could transfer the files and burn it on Peter’s laptop. But when I looked for my wallet, it wasn’t in my purse. I had figured that out at Pruess’ but now…what was I going to do? Reta didn’t have her debit card or checkbook.
“Let’s go to my parent’s house,” I said.
This is where I will probably get a little mushy. I mean, everything that was happening that day was like one attack after another. I didn’t intend on being a bridezilla but my stress level was out of control. I had cried out to the Lord in the Riverview parking lot. Immediately, He sent help from all sides to calm my fears and be on attack instead of under attack.
Christine immediately gave me the money I needed to purchase the DVD burner. I barely finished my sentence on why I needed the money and it was in my hand. I’m so thankful to her.
My cousin Michael was on the phone helping me pick out a DVD burner compatible with a Mac to make sure I got the right one.
Peter was at my mom’s house when he should have been mountain biking with Joey. As we waited (forever it felt like) for the files to transfer, we had a chance to talk. He told me that Jim Lenon was ready to step in to take Dan’s place on the guitar if needed. Jim had even been practicing that afternoon just in case. Then, Joey called Peter and said that Noel (our pastor) had just called. Noel said they were taking this day to mourn but tonight (for Sean and Mikenna) and tomorrow (me and Joey) would be celebrations. Everything was going to be okay. On top of that, I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for Joey and I. Even when these people were hurting, too, at the same time they were mourning their friend, they would celebrate our marriage. And the friends in our circle…words can’t possibly express enough gratitude and love.
I felt safe and an armor of protection surrounded me.
Peter left with the files and headed to Joey’s. I headed to my mom’s room and took a shower. I decided to text message Suzanne to tell her I was praying for her (Susan and Suzanne were very close). But I had to pass Susan Haist’s name in my cell phone. I didn’t even realize I had her number…but of course I did because of RivKids. I felt exhausted and laid down on my mom’s bed.
I woke up feeling totally alone. I wanted out of that dark room and I wanted my girlfriends. I met Jenny and Yi at Joey’s, burned some music CDs and grabbed the last DVD, completed by Peter. It was done. The last DVD was finally done.
We went to church. It was the 6:30ish service. Randi-Kay was standing near the back. I hugged her tight and we talked about Susan. Randi-Kay imparted so much wisdom on me I was amazed. She’s been a Christian for a year and a half and God is using her. While I talked to RK and to Monaca who had joined us, I realized I could be happy. It wasn’t disrespectful to Susan to be happy about my upcoming wedding day. The shadow I felt had been following me around all day and clouding the most exciting event of my life thus far was NOT Susan. Susan was a light for the world. She was bright and funny and loved the Lord. That cloud around me lifted and I joined my friends in the third row. I sobbed as I sang the songs and smiled at God when James Granger read the verse I had read earlier in the day whiled crying in the Riv parking lot for Susan. Dang….I love God.
After the service, we were allowed to go into the new auditorium and write on the floors before they were carpeted on Tuesday. I picked a spot in the middle and wrote this...
Joseph and Holly Corr 5/25/08 ~Praying for our pre-Christian friends and for those lost (crossed out) Found!
Self checked.
I was marrying my best friend in just about 12 hours. And here I was with some of my best friends. We struggled to get the bed out of the couch.....
As I began pulling up a chair to the pity party in my head, I heard Devon say, “Holly, this should not effect your wedding. Susan’s life is a celebration and your wedding is a celebration as well.” I hung up with Devon and called Jenny. As we discussed what had happened, I felt I needed to see Joey as soon as possible. I called him next. He was confused because we had decided not to have contact with each other until the wedding. Just hearing his voice made me miss him so much more. We hung up as I walked into my mom’s work for my appointment. Words began to slip out of my mouth and it seemed unreal to me. I lay down in the chair to get my eyebrow’s waxed and tears streamed down my face. I’m not sure if my mom thought it was from the waxing or if she knew. She didn’t really say. She just wiped them as they fell.
Now, I was really thinking about Noah, Susan’s two-year-old. I saw them two weeks before then. It was after the 11:30 service and Susan was sitting in the front row of church with Noah. Dan was playing the guitar while Noah clapped his hands. We made some small talk but nothing I can remember. I do remember her face and that she was wearing a brown jacket of some kind. I remember that because of her huge brown eyes. My memory took me back to the days when I first met her…probably in 2004 when she took over Suzanne’s position in RivKids. Susan and I seemed to have a similar sense of humor at times. I remembered when she was pregnant. I remembered when Joel, her husband, joined RivRunners e-mailing list but never showed up to the runs until about two months ago. I remembered Joel and I laughing about it, how he had been one of the first members but it took two more years for his schedule to clear. I also remember when Susan talked about her past to the entire church. I e-mailed her that week to thank her for coming forward but I used the Susan@eriv.net. Again-ha, ha because a different Susan using that e-mail address now, e-mailed me back. I never followed through.
My mom finished my brows and my phone rang. It was Joey. Before I could pick up the phone, I totally lost it. I handed the phone to my mom who explained to Joey that I couldn’t talk—literally. I left the salon and headed toward East Lansing to complete an errand. I called Joey’s mom, Reta, to make sure she brought her grandparents’ place setting for the wedding communion. But again, I could barely speak. “Where are you, honey?” She asked. I looked around me…feeling lost in my own town.
“Riverview,” I managed to say.
“Pull into the parking lot. I’m coming to get you.” So, I did. I grabbed my Bible and sat on the grass sobbing hysterically. Not a soul was near. Just me and God. I cried to Him and read from Matthew. I can’t ever remember what I read now. Reta picked me up but I couldn’t get a grip. Thoughts of Susan, Joel and Noah just kept running through my head. And her friends…who were my friends…and her pastor who is my pastor….the Savior we share…
Reta drove me to Pruess’ Pet store. I wanted to buy Joey a Plecostomus for his fish tank as his had died a few days before. I got overwhelmed and we ended up getting him a gift card. Joey called while we ran our next errand. He told his mom he had looked everywhere for the DVD burner. Now he remembered where it was. Reta turned to me and said, “I have good news…and some bad news. But in light of everything going on, it really isn’t that bad.”
“Okay,” I responded. I had calmed down enough and actually felt peaceful.
“The good news is we know where the DVD burner is but that’s where the bad news starts. It was in the basket of stuff Junior had brought to Charlar Place which must have been pushed under a table.”
“Oh no…”
“And the owner of Charlar Place is up north for the rest of the weekend.”
“Oh…..no…..”
We devised a plan to go to Best Buy and purchase another DVD burner. In the meantime, Peter would bring his Mac over to my mom’s in about an hour to see if we could transfer the files and burn it on Peter’s laptop. But when I looked for my wallet, it wasn’t in my purse. I had figured that out at Pruess’ but now…what was I going to do? Reta didn’t have her debit card or checkbook.
“Let’s go to my parent’s house,” I said.
This is where I will probably get a little mushy. I mean, everything that was happening that day was like one attack after another. I didn’t intend on being a bridezilla but my stress level was out of control. I had cried out to the Lord in the Riverview parking lot. Immediately, He sent help from all sides to calm my fears and be on attack instead of under attack.
Christine immediately gave me the money I needed to purchase the DVD burner. I barely finished my sentence on why I needed the money and it was in my hand. I’m so thankful to her.
My cousin Michael was on the phone helping me pick out a DVD burner compatible with a Mac to make sure I got the right one.
Peter was at my mom’s house when he should have been mountain biking with Joey. As we waited (forever it felt like) for the files to transfer, we had a chance to talk. He told me that Jim Lenon was ready to step in to take Dan’s place on the guitar if needed. Jim had even been practicing that afternoon just in case. Then, Joey called Peter and said that Noel (our pastor) had just called. Noel said they were taking this day to mourn but tonight (for Sean and Mikenna) and tomorrow (me and Joey) would be celebrations. Everything was going to be okay. On top of that, I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for Joey and I. Even when these people were hurting, too, at the same time they were mourning their friend, they would celebrate our marriage. And the friends in our circle…words can’t possibly express enough gratitude and love.
I felt safe and an armor of protection surrounded me.
Peter left with the files and headed to Joey’s. I headed to my mom’s room and took a shower. I decided to text message Suzanne to tell her I was praying for her (Susan and Suzanne were very close). But I had to pass Susan Haist’s name in my cell phone. I didn’t even realize I had her number…but of course I did because of RivKids. I felt exhausted and laid down on my mom’s bed.
I woke up feeling totally alone. I wanted out of that dark room and I wanted my girlfriends. I met Jenny and Yi at Joey’s, burned some music CDs and grabbed the last DVD, completed by Peter. It was done. The last DVD was finally done.
We went to church. It was the 6:30ish service. Randi-Kay was standing near the back. I hugged her tight and we talked about Susan. Randi-Kay imparted so much wisdom on me I was amazed. She’s been a Christian for a year and a half and God is using her. While I talked to RK and to Monaca who had joined us, I realized I could be happy. It wasn’t disrespectful to Susan to be happy about my upcoming wedding day. The shadow I felt had been following me around all day and clouding the most exciting event of my life thus far was NOT Susan. Susan was a light for the world. She was bright and funny and loved the Lord. That cloud around me lifted and I joined my friends in the third row. I sobbed as I sang the songs and smiled at God when James Granger read the verse I had read earlier in the day whiled crying in the Riv parking lot for Susan. Dang….I love God.
After the service, we were allowed to go into the new auditorium and write on the floors before they were carpeted on Tuesday. I picked a spot in the middle and wrote this...
Joseph and Holly Corr 5/25/08 ~Praying for our pre-Christian friends and for those lost (crossed out) Found!Yi, Jenny and I drove to the Kellogg Center and met up with Becky in the ramp. As we walked to the front desk, I saw my aunt Ginny and her family. I felt so full of love and excitement. They were here for me. Me! ME?!?! I really was getting married in less than 24 hours. Wow.
The girls and I went to dinner at the State Room. We drank wine, ate pasta and laughed. It felt so good to smile and laugh with them. My priorities were totally in check. I had been so nervous the day before and earlier in the morning that my throat felt like it was squeezing shut. That feeling had been replaced with grief, confusion and God forced me to check myself.
The girls and I went to dinner at the State Room. We drank wine, ate pasta and laughed. It felt so good to smile and laugh with them. My priorities were totally in check. I had been so nervous the day before and earlier in the morning that my throat felt like it was squeezing shut. That feeling had been replaced with grief, confusion and God forced me to check myself.
Self checked.
I was marrying my best friend in just about 12 hours. And here I was with some of my best friends. We struggled to get the bed out of the couch.....
and I sighed peacefully as Yi and I got into the King bed of the suite. My prayer that night went something like, “Dear Heavenly Father…ummm...I'm getting married tomorrow....”
…and then I was asleep. What a day.
…and then I was asleep. What a day.
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Peaceful Day Before
May 24—Saturday
I got up early and decided to finish the last DVD so it would be out of the way. While my aunt sat at one end of the table on her laptop, I sat next to her completing it. It was my last big worry. Now, a word about the DVDs. I keep mentioning them and it might be confusing so let me break it down. I made the following DVDs
**One for the Memorial which would be shown at the beginning of the wedding ceremony.
**One for our parents which was a gift to them from us and was shown at the rehearsal dinner.
** One for our friends/wedding party which was a gift to them from us and was shown at the rehearsal dinner.
**One of Joey and I growing up which was to be shown at the wedding reception, just before we danced. This was the one I put the most work into.
I finished the IMovie up but I needed to burn it to disk. Looking through my computer stuff, I realized I didn’t have the DVD burner. Grrrrrr. I must have left it at Joey’s which meant I had to go over there after RivRunners. Oh well. I knew he was golfing with Ben and Nick so I wasn’t going to run into him.
I left my mom’s house and headed to Riverview for RivRunners. It was 8:50ish. I remember thinking how blue the sky was and I was so smiley. The RivRunners gathered near our start line in the parking lot. I was laying on the pavement stretching and jumped up to walk toward Jamie Lenon. No sooner had I done that and a bird flew over and dropped some poo exactly where I had just been. We all laughed at my fortune. Hopefully, the rest of my day would be like this—bird poo free. Mike prayed and we ran. I ran with Tera, a new girl. She pushed me to run hard and I did a fairly good job of keeping up. Afterwards, Todd tried to get everyone to go out to breakfast but I needed to go to Joey’s. On my way there, I thought about what I needed to finish up before the wedding:
Eyebrows waxed
Gift for Joey
DVD!!!! I would have time later to burn it.
When I got to Joey’s, I couldn’t find the burner anywhere. I asked Junior and he didn’t seem to know. He called Joey and asked him. Joey said the burner was in his trunk. Crap. We arranged for me to pick it up later somehow. I decided to just take a shower there and then run some errands before my appointment with my mom at 11:00. While I was in the shower, I thought back to the rehearsal and how much I didn’t like the way the bridesmaids and groomsmen were standing. As you can tell, my mind was going 100 miles a minute. I got in the car and left.
For those of you who didn’t know this (the few readers who actually view this blog know it but I’m just going to explain anyhow), there was another Riv wedding that day at a golf course somewhere. Noel was to perform half the ceremony and Devon was in the wedding. A lot of our friends were attending that wedding, too (Jim Lenon was the bartender). As I neared Cedar Street heading east on Willoughby near Kroger (details, details), I decided to just call Devon. I prayed I would get Devon’s voicemail because I didn’t want to bother her with this trite request. But I didn’t. Thank you, Lord, I didn’t.
Justin (Devon’s husband) answered the phone. He explained Devon was just getting out of the shower but to hold on. I was in the left turn lane, blinker on, waiting for the light to turn green so I could head north on Cedar street.
“Holly,” Devon said, “how are you doing?”
“I’m fine but I just wanted to ask you a question.”
“Okay,” she said, “did someone call you this morning?”
My heart began to pound. Oh know. Something’s wrong. I could just sense it. I started making the turn onto Cedar.
“No…why?”
“Oh, Holly….I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this…”
So many things went through my head. I thought something had happened to Noel or Dan. Maybe the church burned down or they lost the music for my wedding. No, I was just at the church. It was fine. What then? What--
“Holly…Susan Haist passed away this morning.”
Friday, June 27, 2008
My wedding continued...REVISED!!!!
The Week Before
Work sucked. It was so stressful and busy. I cried a lot. I knew I wouldn’t make it all the way through Tuesday. I needed to be back in Lansing. So I took a half day on Tuesday, packed up the rest of my stuff from the apartment and headed home—my new home. I went to Joey’s and worked on the DVDs. Joey’s sister came over and we showed her the memorial DVD. I spent the night in the spare room (my new room!).
Wednesday, May 21 --REVISED
I can hardly believe I forgot to write this part of the story.
Tuesday night after Joey and I went shopping for our bridal party, we stopped by my mom’s to pick up some stuff.
“Did Chuck move Grandma’s trailer, yet?” I asked. I dreaded the answer. The update to my grandma falling ill in January was that she had to move to a home. We found a nice one for her on Keller Road in Holt but now we weren’t sure what to do about the trailer. I loved my grandma’s trailer. It was more of a modular home, pretty clean, sunshiny, happy and full of everything she loved. I took it for granted that she would always live there. It was painful to move her into a home when she wanted so desperately to be in her trailer. She decided that my uncle Chuck would buy the trailer and move it up to his hunting property in Mecosta. Chuck agreed but it had been months. Every week he would tell my mom, “we are moving the trailer this Tuesday.”
Since it was Tuesday, I had decided to ask my mom for an update on the trailer.
“No, he hasn’t moved it. Who knows if he really will.” I was satisfied with the response. So much was changing in my life and I longed for at least one thing to stay the same.
Wednesday I woke up, cleaned, unpacked and worked on the DVDs. I had a schedule I wanted to follow:
10:00 – pick up marriage license from Mason Courthouse
11:00 – go to Riverview to test the Memorial DVD and give them my wedding music
12:00 – appointment at my mom’s work (can’t remember what that was all about)
I couldn’t get something to work for me correctly and ended up spending more time at Joey’s then anticipated. Now, I was grumpy from lack of sleep, increase in stress and wanting to stick to my schedule. I was on my way to Mason and decided to take Eifert to Columbia. I spoke to my step-brother briefly and then my attitude started to change. I felt uplifted, hopeful, happy, excited. Things were going well…until I approached the trailer park my grandma had lived in. I suddenly felt a little sad and empty. I missed having her live there. And then….well….then my attention turned to the truck slowly pulling out in front of me and the semi truck behind it…hauling a trailer that looked just like my grandmother’s. No. flippin. way.
I caught the house number on the side of the trailer as I passed it, trying to maneuver around the truck. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to throw up. I called my mom.
“Mom….what is grandma’s address?”
“218 Maple Run.”
It was her trailer. I lost my grip and sobbed as I explained to my mom that I had just passed the movers taking her trailer away. My mom was awesome as she said, “I’m so sorry you had to see that, baby. Just remember she is still with us and be thankful.”
By the time I got to the courthouse, I had at least stopped crying but I was still stifling the sobs inside me. I asked the lady behind the desk for the marriage certificate and she had me review it to make sure it was correct. I started crying AGAIN as I read my name with Joey’s name.
I was a mess. Plain and simply complicated. An emotional wreck. Dang.
I went to the church and saw Steve which cheered me. Then, I watched our memorial DVD on the big screen at Riv. Almost lost it again but was able to pull myself together.
I searched for presents for the bridesmaids. I had their spa robes but wanted to get them jewelry. After months of looking for a necklace, I couldn’t find anything. But at Target, with Joey, I found a couple of options. I needed to go to the Target on the west side.
Thursday, May 22
Got up, unpacked some more, cleaned, worked on DVDs, met up with Christine at Target on the west side. Christine and I tried on several different necklace combinations and decided on the one I wasn’t too sure about—the original one Joey had suggested the night before. I bought all the store had but needed a few more. Back to the list of stuff I did. I stopped at the bank to get the check for Kellogg Center, went to Horrocks to pick out flowers for the reception, went to Elderly Music, went to Kellogg Center, met with Pam, finalized numbers, went to cake place, showed them a picture of the cake one last time, called the DJ and left a message asking if I could meet with him again, went to Target and bought slippers for the girls along with necklaces and then got a call from Kelly saying she was on her way to the dress place to get her bridesmaid dress. (Deep breath) Went to Kohl’s to kill time, met Kelly at the Wedding Bell, tried on her dress (it just needed to be hemmed), went to the alterations place, called a whole bunch of people telling them to meet us at Texas Roadhouse at 6:30, hung out at the mall, she followed me to Joey’s, Nick met up with us and then we ate dinner at TR’s. Wow. I was soooo tired after that. But there was still work to do. And can you believe Yi and Jenny came over to help us with our escort cards and seating arrangements? Of course you can because they are AWESOME. I finished up the two of the DVDs (the ones I needed to finish) and then went to bed.
Friday, May 23
Woke up with a splitting headache. Finished copying the Friends and Parents DVD. Worked on the Joey and Holly DVD needed for the reception. I received a phone call from Douggie J’s. They had to cancel my pedicure and reschedule. “Are you kidding me?” I said. I explained how I was getting married in two days and they needed to do something to fix this situation. I have to admit, I wasn’t being Christ like. I was upset. Not even angry. Just disappointed and upset. Bobby came into the dining room and asked if I was okay. “No, I’m not. I’m overwhelmed and getting upset about stuff I shouldn’t be getting upset about. This isn’t really that important.” “You know what, Holl,” Bobby said, “I hate it when people say that because it is important. It’s important to you. Don’t discount that.” I was blown away by his advice and comforting words. I love Bobby D.
Douggie J’s called back and had found someone to do my nails and pedicure at the same time. Unfortunately, my other bridesmaids had their appointments changed. I found out later it was for another wedding party. I was now at migraine status and had to lay down. Joey came home for lunch and tried to help. I slept. I knew I had a nail appointment at 1:30 so I took my time getting ready. Jenny called. Douggie J’s called. My appointment had been for 12:45. It was 1:00. Dang. How could I have forgotten? Looking back, it’s no wonder.
Jenny, being the awesome person she is, switched my appointments around and I still got my nails and pedicure. I had dreamed of Jenny, Yi and I getting them all done at the same time but oh well. Let it go. I got back to Joey’s and we finished putting the gift packages together. I had meant to go to Charlar Place (where the rehearsal dinner was being held) to make sure the DVDs would work but never got the chance. Joey loaded the car and we left for Riverview.
It was surreal walking into the church and rehearsing for my wedding. I still didn’t feel like it was really happening to me. Me? ME!?! After some minor drama I won’t mention, the rehearsal was under way. As a joke, I had Kristie play the theme from Leave It To Beaver when my dad and I walked down the aisle. It went over well but poor dad thought I was really going to walk down to that song. Because of our large bridal party, the attendants had to stand on three rows, staggered. I didn’t like it at all but forgot to tell Devon, the wedding coordinator. At the end of the rehearsal, Noel pulled all of us together and I smiled as I looked around the room. These were my bestest, closest friends and family in one room at the same time at Riverview, my favorite place in the world. I took it all in and just smiled.
We had fun at the dinner. The food was so good. My aunt presented a gift to Joey and I from herself and grandma. It was a blanket my grandma had started long ago and my aunt finished for us. We were all in tears as my aunt presented us with the blanket.
Sometime during the dinner we realized the DVD was not going to work with the equipment provided by Charlar Place. I could have kicked myself for not checking ahead of time. I just had this feeling…. We had also forgotten to put Lyndsay’s gift in the car. Junior stepped up and drove back home. He grabbed all the computer stuff on the dining room and put it in a clothes basket. Somehow, everything worked out and we were able to view the DVDs (though the quality was crappy).
There were laughs and tears as we gave everyone their gifts. I realized just how great Joey is at public speaking and how maybe I struggle with it. He is smooth in his presentation and I am a little choppy. Still, we had fun. The best was when I called all of my parents up front. I had no clue what I was going to say and it just came out: guess who goes with who? So my step-dad pulled my step-mom toward him and my parents stood together. I was rolling. Then I said, “wait, I thought it was like this….” I put my two moms and dads next to each other. We were all laughing.
Kelly gave me a check I had written her in like 1996 or something crazy like that. So cool.
After everything was done, myself, Joey, Junior, Peter, Jenny and Yi headed over to Joey’s. We picked up the house and drank some wine. I said good-bye to Joey and said we would talk in two days. I then left and drove to my mom’s. Because my aunt was in town, I slept in bed with my mom. I fell asleep knowing I was smack in the middle of change. Little did I know…
Work sucked. It was so stressful and busy. I cried a lot. I knew I wouldn’t make it all the way through Tuesday. I needed to be back in Lansing. So I took a half day on Tuesday, packed up the rest of my stuff from the apartment and headed home—my new home. I went to Joey’s and worked on the DVDs. Joey’s sister came over and we showed her the memorial DVD. I spent the night in the spare room (my new room!).
Wednesday, May 21 --REVISED
I can hardly believe I forgot to write this part of the story.
Tuesday night after Joey and I went shopping for our bridal party, we stopped by my mom’s to pick up some stuff.
“Did Chuck move Grandma’s trailer, yet?” I asked. I dreaded the answer. The update to my grandma falling ill in January was that she had to move to a home. We found a nice one for her on Keller Road in Holt but now we weren’t sure what to do about the trailer. I loved my grandma’s trailer. It was more of a modular home, pretty clean, sunshiny, happy and full of everything she loved. I took it for granted that she would always live there. It was painful to move her into a home when she wanted so desperately to be in her trailer. She decided that my uncle Chuck would buy the trailer and move it up to his hunting property in Mecosta. Chuck agreed but it had been months. Every week he would tell my mom, “we are moving the trailer this Tuesday.”
Since it was Tuesday, I had decided to ask my mom for an update on the trailer.
“No, he hasn’t moved it. Who knows if he really will.” I was satisfied with the response. So much was changing in my life and I longed for at least one thing to stay the same.
Wednesday I woke up, cleaned, unpacked and worked on the DVDs. I had a schedule I wanted to follow:
10:00 – pick up marriage license from Mason Courthouse
11:00 – go to Riverview to test the Memorial DVD and give them my wedding music
12:00 – appointment at my mom’s work (can’t remember what that was all about)
I couldn’t get something to work for me correctly and ended up spending more time at Joey’s then anticipated. Now, I was grumpy from lack of sleep, increase in stress and wanting to stick to my schedule. I was on my way to Mason and decided to take Eifert to Columbia. I spoke to my step-brother briefly and then my attitude started to change. I felt uplifted, hopeful, happy, excited. Things were going well…until I approached the trailer park my grandma had lived in. I suddenly felt a little sad and empty. I missed having her live there. And then….well….then my attention turned to the truck slowly pulling out in front of me and the semi truck behind it…hauling a trailer that looked just like my grandmother’s. No. flippin. way.
I caught the house number on the side of the trailer as I passed it, trying to maneuver around the truck. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to throw up. I called my mom.
“Mom….what is grandma’s address?”
“218 Maple Run.”
It was her trailer. I lost my grip and sobbed as I explained to my mom that I had just passed the movers taking her trailer away. My mom was awesome as she said, “I’m so sorry you had to see that, baby. Just remember she is still with us and be thankful.”
By the time I got to the courthouse, I had at least stopped crying but I was still stifling the sobs inside me. I asked the lady behind the desk for the marriage certificate and she had me review it to make sure it was correct. I started crying AGAIN as I read my name with Joey’s name.
I was a mess. Plain and simply complicated. An emotional wreck. Dang.
I went to the church and saw Steve which cheered me. Then, I watched our memorial DVD on the big screen at Riv. Almost lost it again but was able to pull myself together.
I searched for presents for the bridesmaids. I had their spa robes but wanted to get them jewelry. After months of looking for a necklace, I couldn’t find anything. But at Target, with Joey, I found a couple of options. I needed to go to the Target on the west side.
Thursday, May 22
Got up, unpacked some more, cleaned, worked on DVDs, met up with Christine at Target on the west side. Christine and I tried on several different necklace combinations and decided on the one I wasn’t too sure about—the original one Joey had suggested the night before. I bought all the store had but needed a few more. Back to the list of stuff I did. I stopped at the bank to get the check for Kellogg Center, went to Horrocks to pick out flowers for the reception, went to Elderly Music, went to Kellogg Center, met with Pam, finalized numbers, went to cake place, showed them a picture of the cake one last time, called the DJ and left a message asking if I could meet with him again, went to Target and bought slippers for the girls along with necklaces and then got a call from Kelly saying she was on her way to the dress place to get her bridesmaid dress. (Deep breath) Went to Kohl’s to kill time, met Kelly at the Wedding Bell, tried on her dress (it just needed to be hemmed), went to the alterations place, called a whole bunch of people telling them to meet us at Texas Roadhouse at 6:30, hung out at the mall, she followed me to Joey’s, Nick met up with us and then we ate dinner at TR’s. Wow. I was soooo tired after that. But there was still work to do. And can you believe Yi and Jenny came over to help us with our escort cards and seating arrangements? Of course you can because they are AWESOME. I finished up the two of the DVDs (the ones I needed to finish) and then went to bed.
Friday, May 23
Woke up with a splitting headache. Finished copying the Friends and Parents DVD. Worked on the Joey and Holly DVD needed for the reception. I received a phone call from Douggie J’s. They had to cancel my pedicure and reschedule. “Are you kidding me?” I said. I explained how I was getting married in two days and they needed to do something to fix this situation. I have to admit, I wasn’t being Christ like. I was upset. Not even angry. Just disappointed and upset. Bobby came into the dining room and asked if I was okay. “No, I’m not. I’m overwhelmed and getting upset about stuff I shouldn’t be getting upset about. This isn’t really that important.” “You know what, Holl,” Bobby said, “I hate it when people say that because it is important. It’s important to you. Don’t discount that.” I was blown away by his advice and comforting words. I love Bobby D.
Douggie J’s called back and had found someone to do my nails and pedicure at the same time. Unfortunately, my other bridesmaids had their appointments changed. I found out later it was for another wedding party. I was now at migraine status and had to lay down. Joey came home for lunch and tried to help. I slept. I knew I had a nail appointment at 1:30 so I took my time getting ready. Jenny called. Douggie J’s called. My appointment had been for 12:45. It was 1:00. Dang. How could I have forgotten? Looking back, it’s no wonder.
Jenny, being the awesome person she is, switched my appointments around and I still got my nails and pedicure. I had dreamed of Jenny, Yi and I getting them all done at the same time but oh well. Let it go. I got back to Joey’s and we finished putting the gift packages together. I had meant to go to Charlar Place (where the rehearsal dinner was being held) to make sure the DVDs would work but never got the chance. Joey loaded the car and we left for Riverview.
It was surreal walking into the church and rehearsing for my wedding. I still didn’t feel like it was really happening to me. Me? ME!?! After some minor drama I won’t mention, the rehearsal was under way. As a joke, I had Kristie play the theme from Leave It To Beaver when my dad and I walked down the aisle. It went over well but poor dad thought I was really going to walk down to that song. Because of our large bridal party, the attendants had to stand on three rows, staggered. I didn’t like it at all but forgot to tell Devon, the wedding coordinator. At the end of the rehearsal, Noel pulled all of us together and I smiled as I looked around the room. These were my bestest, closest friends and family in one room at the same time at Riverview, my favorite place in the world. I took it all in and just smiled.
We had fun at the dinner. The food was so good. My aunt presented a gift to Joey and I from herself and grandma. It was a blanket my grandma had started long ago and my aunt finished for us. We were all in tears as my aunt presented us with the blanket.
Sometime during the dinner we realized the DVD was not going to work with the equipment provided by Charlar Place. I could have kicked myself for not checking ahead of time. I just had this feeling…. We had also forgotten to put Lyndsay’s gift in the car. Junior stepped up and drove back home. He grabbed all the computer stuff on the dining room and put it in a clothes basket. Somehow, everything worked out and we were able to view the DVDs (though the quality was crappy).
There were laughs and tears as we gave everyone their gifts. I realized just how great Joey is at public speaking and how maybe I struggle with it. He is smooth in his presentation and I am a little choppy. Still, we had fun. The best was when I called all of my parents up front. I had no clue what I was going to say and it just came out: guess who goes with who? So my step-dad pulled my step-mom toward him and my parents stood together. I was rolling. Then I said, “wait, I thought it was like this….” I put my two moms and dads next to each other. We were all laughing.
Kelly gave me a check I had written her in like 1996 or something crazy like that. So cool.
After everything was done, myself, Joey, Junior, Peter, Jenny and Yi headed over to Joey’s. We picked up the house and drank some wine. I said good-bye to Joey and said we would talk in two days. I then left and drove to my mom’s. Because my aunt was in town, I slept in bed with my mom. I fell asleep knowing I was smack in the middle of change. Little did I know…
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
One Month Ago Today...
I have been married for one month. I can hardly believe it. It seems like forever ago already. And there are so many things I don’t want to forget…maybe some I should…maybe some I can’t…but I wanted to get them down on e-paper so I have them to remember.
May 16
I moved. June and Joey came and helped me move all the big stuff from my apartment to Joey’s house. I had to leave for Lansing a little early because it was my step-father’s birthday and I wanted to have dinner with him. We ate at Buddies and then I went to Joey’s. I can hardly explain how I felt when I walked into the house. It was total chaos. My stuff was packed to the ceiling in the front living room. My throat closed up pretty tight and panic set in. This was shown in the form of me looking scared and not being able to speak…or breathe. Joey asked me whose bed I wanted in his room. I pointed to his bed. So, they put my furniture in Joey’s room and placed the mattresses on it. Junior’s brother was there helping out. If you’ve never seen a picture of him before then let me describe him. He’s built like Popeye. Huge muscles. So when I say the mattress was placed on the frame, it was done so with June’s brother’s pinky finger. As I saw the bed being placed on the frame, I changed my mind. “No, my bed. I want my bed in here.” Joey was so accommodating. He knew I wasn’t having an easy time with this so he said, “no problem.” Junior’s brother switched out the mattresses and then the guys left to return the moving van.
Thank God my sister was there. She and Lyndsay helped me get settled and the tightness in my chest started to release. I was standing in Joey’s closet when he returned. He saw me looking at all my clothes and all his clothes. “How are you doing?” he asked. I started crying.
I didn’t feel at home yet here was my stuff. And Joey’s stuff. And too much stuff. Joey and I unpacked a lot of my boxes in the spare room which I quickly started calling my room. It was the only place in the house that looked like mine—not mine mixed in with someone else’s. I spent the night in that room and woke up happier.
My 17—The Bachelor and Bachette Parties
So, let’s back up a little on this story. My bridesmaid, old roommate and co-worker, Krissie, was in charge of the bachette party. We decided to rent a hotel room…a suite….in downtown Lansing at the Radisson. Aware of how much my bridesmaids and friends were spending on everything else, I decided to ask my step-dad for the $300 for the suite. All I told Krissie was that room was taken care of and not to worry.
Why was I going to ask my step-dad? Because he had asked several times how he could help us. I thought, “this will work and it’s not a lot of money.” Then, at the end of April after my last bridal shower, my step-dad gave Joey and I some money. It paid for our flight to Hawaii. Ummm….sweet! and crap. Now I couldn’t ask him for the money for the hotel. Oh well. I had a feeling it would somehow work itself out. But then I found out how much it was going to cost for my and the bridesmaid’s to stay at the hotel the night before the wedding. $300! That’s $600 total in hotel rooms!!! I knew this wasn’t going to fly with Joey and I didn’t know what to do. “Oh, God,” I prayed, “if you can get me out of this one, I’ll love you forever.” Of course, I would love him anyway but I was getting a little nervous.
Like I stated earlier, the morning of my bachette party, I woke up feeling happier. I put on some work clothes and started straightening out the kitchen. It happened to be Joey’s bachelor party so the guys started showing up. They were meeting there and then heading to paintball. It was cool hanging out with all of them. Of course, they teased me and said I shouldn’t be there because it was Joey’s party but all in fun. After they left, I went to town cleaning out the front room. I really had a system down. I was so involved in the cleaning, I forgot I had to go to the bank before my hair appointment. And Bobby needed a ride to work. And I needed to finish my DVDs. Cowabunga.
I took Bobby to work, got to the bank and was only 10 minutes late to my hair appointment. Man, I needed a nap. I headed back to Joey’s and remembered—Oh snap. The guys will be there for lunch! Oh well. Oh….well. I tried to be discrete when I walked in but they immediately asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. So there I was, at my fiancé’s bach party, hanging with the guys. They left to play golf and I took a nap with Chessie.
During the nap, I heard mad thunder and pounding rain. I wondered if they were safe on the course but continued to sleep. I also heard my phone ring but was too sleepy to care. After I did get up and got ready, the phone rang again. It was my bridesmaid Becky.
“Holls.”
“Yes.”
“Did you get my voicemail?”
“Um…no (I’m bad about listening to my voicemails).”
“Okay, well we had to change the hotel room.”
“Okay….”
“Yeah, apparently our room at the Radisson flooded…and so they are putting us up at the Country Inn on Creyts Road….for….free.”
“Did you say free?”
“Yup, free.“No way! God is sooooooooo good. I can’t even tell you!”
I went outside and saw Mike and Jerred sitting there. I told them the story. I was so excited. God paid for our hotel room. I met up with the girls and we had so much fun laughing at stories from our past. We got a Big Daddy Taxi and headed downtown Lansing to Tropo for dinner. Very good and very expensive. Then, we went dancing. A nice night.
Joey had way more drama take place. Between Jerred showing up at 2am shining his cell phone in Joey’s face and Bobby needing to be picked up somewhere, Joe barely got any sleep. I guess the guys had fun but poor Diana and Jamie became the victim’s of a prank (long story dealing with a remote car alarm).
More to come...
May 16
I moved. June and Joey came and helped me move all the big stuff from my apartment to Joey’s house. I had to leave for Lansing a little early because it was my step-father’s birthday and I wanted to have dinner with him. We ate at Buddies and then I went to Joey’s. I can hardly explain how I felt when I walked into the house. It was total chaos. My stuff was packed to the ceiling in the front living room. My throat closed up pretty tight and panic set in. This was shown in the form of me looking scared and not being able to speak…or breathe. Joey asked me whose bed I wanted in his room. I pointed to his bed. So, they put my furniture in Joey’s room and placed the mattresses on it. Junior’s brother was there helping out. If you’ve never seen a picture of him before then let me describe him. He’s built like Popeye. Huge muscles. So when I say the mattress was placed on the frame, it was done so with June’s brother’s pinky finger. As I saw the bed being placed on the frame, I changed my mind. “No, my bed. I want my bed in here.” Joey was so accommodating. He knew I wasn’t having an easy time with this so he said, “no problem.” Junior’s brother switched out the mattresses and then the guys left to return the moving van.
Thank God my sister was there. She and Lyndsay helped me get settled and the tightness in my chest started to release. I was standing in Joey’s closet when he returned. He saw me looking at all my clothes and all his clothes. “How are you doing?” he asked. I started crying.
I didn’t feel at home yet here was my stuff. And Joey’s stuff. And too much stuff. Joey and I unpacked a lot of my boxes in the spare room which I quickly started calling my room. It was the only place in the house that looked like mine—not mine mixed in with someone else’s. I spent the night in that room and woke up happier.
My 17—The Bachelor and Bachette Parties
So, let’s back up a little on this story. My bridesmaid, old roommate and co-worker, Krissie, was in charge of the bachette party. We decided to rent a hotel room…a suite….in downtown Lansing at the Radisson. Aware of how much my bridesmaids and friends were spending on everything else, I decided to ask my step-dad for the $300 for the suite. All I told Krissie was that room was taken care of and not to worry.
Why was I going to ask my step-dad? Because he had asked several times how he could help us. I thought, “this will work and it’s not a lot of money.” Then, at the end of April after my last bridal shower, my step-dad gave Joey and I some money. It paid for our flight to Hawaii. Ummm….sweet! and crap. Now I couldn’t ask him for the money for the hotel. Oh well. I had a feeling it would somehow work itself out. But then I found out how much it was going to cost for my and the bridesmaid’s to stay at the hotel the night before the wedding. $300! That’s $600 total in hotel rooms!!! I knew this wasn’t going to fly with Joey and I didn’t know what to do. “Oh, God,” I prayed, “if you can get me out of this one, I’ll love you forever.” Of course, I would love him anyway but I was getting a little nervous.
Like I stated earlier, the morning of my bachette party, I woke up feeling happier. I put on some work clothes and started straightening out the kitchen. It happened to be Joey’s bachelor party so the guys started showing up. They were meeting there and then heading to paintball. It was cool hanging out with all of them. Of course, they teased me and said I shouldn’t be there because it was Joey’s party but all in fun. After they left, I went to town cleaning out the front room. I really had a system down. I was so involved in the cleaning, I forgot I had to go to the bank before my hair appointment. And Bobby needed a ride to work. And I needed to finish my DVDs. Cowabunga.
I took Bobby to work, got to the bank and was only 10 minutes late to my hair appointment. Man, I needed a nap. I headed back to Joey’s and remembered—Oh snap. The guys will be there for lunch! Oh well. Oh….well. I tried to be discrete when I walked in but they immediately asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. So there I was, at my fiancé’s bach party, hanging with the guys. They left to play golf and I took a nap with Chessie.
During the nap, I heard mad thunder and pounding rain. I wondered if they were safe on the course but continued to sleep. I also heard my phone ring but was too sleepy to care. After I did get up and got ready, the phone rang again. It was my bridesmaid Becky.
“Holls.”
“Yes.”
“Did you get my voicemail?”
“Um…no (I’m bad about listening to my voicemails).”
“Okay, well we had to change the hotel room.”
“Okay….”
“Yeah, apparently our room at the Radisson flooded…and so they are putting us up at the Country Inn on Creyts Road….for….free.”
“Did you say free?”
“Yup, free.“No way! God is sooooooooo good. I can’t even tell you!”
I went outside and saw Mike and Jerred sitting there. I told them the story. I was so excited. God paid for our hotel room. I met up with the girls and we had so much fun laughing at stories from our past. We got a Big Daddy Taxi and headed downtown Lansing to Tropo for dinner. Very good and very expensive. Then, we went dancing. A nice night.
Joey had way more drama take place. Between Jerred showing up at 2am shining his cell phone in Joey’s face and Bobby needing to be picked up somewhere, Joe barely got any sleep. I guess the guys had fun but poor Diana and Jamie became the victim’s of a prank (long story dealing with a remote car alarm).
More to come...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Stay
I meant to post this back in February but it seems appropriate to do it now.
Stay lyrics
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
This is the #1 song on the country stations right now. Every time it has come on, I’ve listened to half of the song and then turned it. It was too painful for me to listen to. I’ve been this girl before. I’ve put myself into hurtful, damaging, twisted love triangles. Not just one time but several times. I’ve done it as a pre-Christian and as a follower of Christ. I’m not immune to pain just because I follow Him. That’s silly. But there is something about the pain I went through before Christ and after Him. Maybe the pain isn’t different but the healing was. And the lyrics of this song…dang. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about being in that place again.
You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
A few weeks ago, we were talking about sex at Riverview during the Exposed series. This series will forever be of help to me. I always thought it was my right to have sex with whomever I wanted but the truth…the actual no-bullshit truth is that every time I had sex with someone and then we broke up, a piece of me was now missing. When Mark Brett taught one weekend, he glued two boards together and then snapped them apart. The pieces were still glued together. It was difficult to watch. We need to have fun sex. We need to have one sex. It is for our own well being and safety. I see that now. It is for a husband and a wife and it is supposed to keep them together forever…not just the few months they dated…not just when my self esteem is low...not just to prove a point...not just because I can....
I was thinking about this the other day in the car. It was so much easier to get over a lost "love" when I was in junior high and part of high school. At a certain point, breaking up became traumitizing to me. Why? Partly because sex was involved. It made everything so complicated. There weren't any more simple good-byes. Now, it was the board snapping in half...a part of me staying behind and me taking a part of someone else along with me. But I didn't see it that way. Again, it was my right and it wasn't hurting anyone. But I completely see the lie in that thinking. I see the horrible pain it caused to me and still causes people I love.
But Jesus heals. He has healed me and forgiven me of my sins. He told me not to do what I was doing but still was there to comfort me when I did it anyway. Jesus heals.
For the first time, I listened to the rest of the "Stay" song:
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
I'd like to think the singer was at Riverview hearing how she was free from sinning. I'd like to think she reached out to Jesus and he helped her break away. I'd like to think it was God she turned to and He helped her heal. Well, that's my story at least and maybe I'll keep thinking that's what the singer went through.
Stay lyrics
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
This is the #1 song on the country stations right now. Every time it has come on, I’ve listened to half of the song and then turned it. It was too painful for me to listen to. I’ve been this girl before. I’ve put myself into hurtful, damaging, twisted love triangles. Not just one time but several times. I’ve done it as a pre-Christian and as a follower of Christ. I’m not immune to pain just because I follow Him. That’s silly. But there is something about the pain I went through before Christ and after Him. Maybe the pain isn’t different but the healing was. And the lyrics of this song…dang. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about being in that place again.
You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
A few weeks ago, we were talking about sex at Riverview during the Exposed series. This series will forever be of help to me. I always thought it was my right to have sex with whomever I wanted but the truth…the actual no-bullshit truth is that every time I had sex with someone and then we broke up, a piece of me was now missing. When Mark Brett taught one weekend, he glued two boards together and then snapped them apart. The pieces were still glued together. It was difficult to watch. We need to have fun sex. We need to have one sex. It is for our own well being and safety. I see that now. It is for a husband and a wife and it is supposed to keep them together forever…not just the few months they dated…not just when my self esteem is low...not just to prove a point...not just because I can....
I was thinking about this the other day in the car. It was so much easier to get over a lost "love" when I was in junior high and part of high school. At a certain point, breaking up became traumitizing to me. Why? Partly because sex was involved. It made everything so complicated. There weren't any more simple good-byes. Now, it was the board snapping in half...a part of me staying behind and me taking a part of someone else along with me. But I didn't see it that way. Again, it was my right and it wasn't hurting anyone. But I completely see the lie in that thinking. I see the horrible pain it caused to me and still causes people I love.
But Jesus heals. He has healed me and forgiven me of my sins. He told me not to do what I was doing but still was there to comfort me when I did it anyway. Jesus heals.
For the first time, I listened to the rest of the "Stay" song:
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
I'd like to think the singer was at Riverview hearing how she was free from sinning. I'd like to think she reached out to Jesus and he helped her break away. I'd like to think it was God she turned to and He helped her heal. Well, that's my story at least and maybe I'll keep thinking that's what the singer went through.
Friday, June 06, 2008
My friend Sonny sent me this link. I ask you--what the hell is wrong with Christians? And I ams one still wanting to know.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The difference?
Joey: I really want to go campin' and fishin' for my bachelor party.
Me: I thought it was camp-ING and fish-ING.
Joey: No, when you go, it's camp-ING and fish-ING but when I go, it's campin' and fishin'.
Me: I thought it was camp-ING and fish-ING.
Joey: No, when you go, it's camp-ING and fish-ING but when I go, it's campin' and fishin'.
Riv5KforMX
Two years ago, Mike Potter brought up the idea of a Riverview 5K. In December 2006, we discussed doing this 5K the following spring/summer. But there was so much going on. Riverview was focused on raising money for the new building and sending people to Mexico. The 5K idea was tabled. Then, last fall, Mike shared the idea of having a 5K to raise money for the Mexico mission trip to either myself or Shelley.
I loved the idea.
I started dreaming up the possibilities in January. I scheduled a date and started spreading the word. I shared the ideas with JR Miller, one of the leaders of the mission trip. He said they were on board and that this race would raise money to purchase a van for the orphanage Riverview visits in Mexico.
The promo was done (and was awesome). People were signing up for the race. Jenny Cole went out and got food and prizes donated. Kirsten started sending me volunteer information. I remember early on someone said, "even if we raise $300 the race should be worth it."
I recall smiling at that statement. My faith in what God was going to do was deep and I just had this feeling like the Lord was going to show up big time.
I went to Running Fit, a store in Northville, and asked them to donate bib #s. They gave me 40. I had to go back a month and a half later for more. i was nervous about not having enough. They gave me another 40. I had about 25 people showed up. Whenever someone would drop off the list, two more would register for the race.
God was up to something wonderful.
The week of the race was intense. I spent every night on it, going through e-mails, signing up registrants, making sure the volunteers were covered and the responsibilities were clear. I heard a rumor the weather was supposed to be crappy. I smiled at that, too. My faith was strong.
The pre-planning really paid off. Joey and I were not running around all Friday night trying to get stuff done. In fact, we had a nice dinner with Jim and Jamie. I even spent some time talking with my cousin through a difficult decision in her life. I went to bed at ease.
Saturday morning, I woke up and pulled the curtain back. The 6:00 sun was rising and I could see the pink sky. "Red skies in the morning, sailor's warning." But again, I just knew God was going to bless us. I had no clue how big, though.
I got to the church and set up. I met Zack when he showed up to volunteer. The two of us decorated the church in a Mexico theme and then got a chance to talk a bit. I found out he had finish line experience and I quickly put him in charge of it. God was filling holes I didn't even know I had. Ruth and Jen showed up along with others. They stood at the registration tables and waited. Jamie came and took her position as the greeter. Jenny arrived with the food. Mark was out setting the course and Joey was setting up the water. We were a well oiled machine. So many volunteers showed up, I didn't have places for them.
"Where are the runners?" I joked.
"Yeah, we have way more volunteers then runners," someone said.
"Wait until 9:00-9:15" I said. They were going to all come at once. I just knew it.
And they did. The cars pulled in and people flooded the lobby. The registration table could barely keep up with the line of people registering. WE RAN OUT OF BIB NUMBERS!!!! We had to make some with paper. I couldn't believe it...then again, I could. I kept thanking Jesus for giving me the faith and encouragement.
Just before the race, I retreated to the bathroom to pray. I spent a minute with God and then walked out to the parking lot. I was in awe of what God did. There were so many people! After my pre-race speech (on a ladder--that could have been better), the race started. For the most part, things went smoothly. I think they were a little nutty on the finish line but the race course and water stations were awesome. Our traffic control and time keepers did a fantastic job.
I finished in 27:45. I just beat Paul but I think he let up at the very end. It was thrilling to see people I don't normally see run.
In the end, the 5K raised about $1,500. Ha! I'm still in awe of what God did. It was His race after all and we followed Him in faith. I also learned A LOT about being a race director. There are several places to improve on and I pray God gives me another chance to do so.
I loved the idea.
I started dreaming up the possibilities in January. I scheduled a date and started spreading the word. I shared the ideas with JR Miller, one of the leaders of the mission trip. He said they were on board and that this race would raise money to purchase a van for the orphanage Riverview visits in Mexico.
The promo was done (and was awesome). People were signing up for the race. Jenny Cole went out and got food and prizes donated. Kirsten started sending me volunteer information. I remember early on someone said, "even if we raise $300 the race should be worth it."
I recall smiling at that statement. My faith in what God was going to do was deep and I just had this feeling like the Lord was going to show up big time.
I went to Running Fit, a store in Northville, and asked them to donate bib #s. They gave me 40. I had to go back a month and a half later for more. i was nervous about not having enough. They gave me another 40. I had about 25 people showed up. Whenever someone would drop off the list, two more would register for the race.
God was up to something wonderful.
The week of the race was intense. I spent every night on it, going through e-mails, signing up registrants, making sure the volunteers were covered and the responsibilities were clear. I heard a rumor the weather was supposed to be crappy. I smiled at that, too. My faith was strong.
The pre-planning really paid off. Joey and I were not running around all Friday night trying to get stuff done. In fact, we had a nice dinner with Jim and Jamie. I even spent some time talking with my cousin through a difficult decision in her life. I went to bed at ease.
Saturday morning, I woke up and pulled the curtain back. The 6:00 sun was rising and I could see the pink sky. "Red skies in the morning, sailor's warning." But again, I just knew God was going to bless us. I had no clue how big, though.
I got to the church and set up. I met Zack when he showed up to volunteer. The two of us decorated the church in a Mexico theme and then got a chance to talk a bit. I found out he had finish line experience and I quickly put him in charge of it. God was filling holes I didn't even know I had. Ruth and Jen showed up along with others. They stood at the registration tables and waited. Jamie came and took her position as the greeter. Jenny arrived with the food. Mark was out setting the course and Joey was setting up the water. We were a well oiled machine. So many volunteers showed up, I didn't have places for them.
"Where are the runners?" I joked.
"Yeah, we have way more volunteers then runners," someone said.
"Wait until 9:00-9:15" I said. They were going to all come at once. I just knew it.
And they did. The cars pulled in and people flooded the lobby. The registration table could barely keep up with the line of people registering. WE RAN OUT OF BIB NUMBERS!!!! We had to make some with paper. I couldn't believe it...then again, I could. I kept thanking Jesus for giving me the faith and encouragement.
Just before the race, I retreated to the bathroom to pray. I spent a minute with God and then walked out to the parking lot. I was in awe of what God did. There were so many people! After my pre-race speech (on a ladder--that could have been better), the race started. For the most part, things went smoothly. I think they were a little nutty on the finish line but the race course and water stations were awesome. Our traffic control and time keepers did a fantastic job.
I finished in 27:45. I just beat Paul but I think he let up at the very end. It was thrilling to see people I don't normally see run.
In the end, the 5K raised about $1,500. Ha! I'm still in awe of what God did. It was His race after all and we followed Him in faith. I also learned A LOT about being a race director. There are several places to improve on and I pray God gives me another chance to do so.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Grandma Part 2--God is Faithful
It was Sunday (January 20) and we were standing in Grandma’s hospital room. They were releasing her the next day but there was still a question of where she would go. She couldn’t go home yet. She needed to rehabilitate her leg. My mother mentioned Courts of Holt on Willoughby Road. I had been there while in high school and also when Joey’s grandmother stayed there a short time. No way. No how. My grandmother wasn’t going there. The people there were falling apart. They were crazy. They were sick and yelling. The place was depressing. It smelled. I delicately expressed my concerns.
The next day was MLK Jr. Day. For the first time in Valassis history, we had this day off (more like, by the grace of God, I had the day off). My mother called me that morning and explained that Courts of Holt had an open bed and grandma was being released at 1:00 p.m. I told my mom I would go check the place out. Praying continually, I pulled into the parking lot. I bowed my head with one final prayer: please, Lord, show me this place is going to be okay to keep her in. I took a deep breath and entered.
It wasn’t gloomy at all. A giant bird cage thing stood in the lobby with colorful little birds. People watched the birds in their wheelchairs (or they just slept in their wheelchairs). I found the manager and she immediately knew why I was there. “Let me show you where your grandmother will be staying.” She took me down the hall and then at the nurse’s station we turned down another hall. I voiced my concerns. I didn’t want my grandmother to stay here. The woman responded, “she can’t. They is temporary. This is until she gets her leg healed. This is for rehabilitation. Would you like to see the rehabilitation room?” I nodded. What could it hurt?
Well, remember that prayer I prayed asking God to show me everything would be okay? I walked into the rehab room and as the manager talked, one of the physical therapists turned around. “Marge!” I shouted with joy. “Holly!” she shouted back. She walked over to me and hugged me. I lost it and started crying. It was like hearing God say, “I told you I would take care of you. I told you to have faith and you did. Don’t forget I love you.” See, Marge is the woman I met in 2006 while running the Autumn Classic. She had painted the back of her shirt to read, “I can do all things through Him that strengthens me.” I have prayed with Marge before and have been seeing her at more and more races. I told her what had happened with grandma and she assured me all would be well.
“I prayed for God to show me this facility would be okay. You’re the answer He gave me,” I said.
“He is faithful and this place will be great for grandma,” Marge said.
With chills inside of me but a warm heart, I left for the hospital to prepare grandma for her trip.
The next day was MLK Jr. Day. For the first time in Valassis history, we had this day off (more like, by the grace of God, I had the day off). My mother called me that morning and explained that Courts of Holt had an open bed and grandma was being released at 1:00 p.m. I told my mom I would go check the place out. Praying continually, I pulled into the parking lot. I bowed my head with one final prayer: please, Lord, show me this place is going to be okay to keep her in. I took a deep breath and entered.
It wasn’t gloomy at all. A giant bird cage thing stood in the lobby with colorful little birds. People watched the birds in their wheelchairs (or they just slept in their wheelchairs). I found the manager and she immediately knew why I was there. “Let me show you where your grandmother will be staying.” She took me down the hall and then at the nurse’s station we turned down another hall. I voiced my concerns. I didn’t want my grandmother to stay here. The woman responded, “she can’t. They is temporary. This is until she gets her leg healed. This is for rehabilitation. Would you like to see the rehabilitation room?” I nodded. What could it hurt?
Well, remember that prayer I prayed asking God to show me everything would be okay? I walked into the rehab room and as the manager talked, one of the physical therapists turned around. “Marge!” I shouted with joy. “Holly!” she shouted back. She walked over to me and hugged me. I lost it and started crying. It was like hearing God say, “I told you I would take care of you. I told you to have faith and you did. Don’t forget I love you.” See, Marge is the woman I met in 2006 while running the Autumn Classic. She had painted the back of her shirt to read, “I can do all things through Him that strengthens me.” I have prayed with Marge before and have been seeing her at more and more races. I told her what had happened with grandma and she assured me all would be well.
“I prayed for God to show me this facility would be okay. You’re the answer He gave me,” I said.
“He is faithful and this place will be great for grandma,” Marge said.
With chills inside of me but a warm heart, I left for the hospital to prepare grandma for her trip.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Something I just read in a magazine....
"you can get married and if divorce is really necessary then you can do it. religion shouldn't be involved with this. it is your choice to get married and divorced, not god's decision."
Whoa.
Whoa.
Treats
I’m a smart girl. I really am. Joey, for the most part, has to agree on this point. I’m smart because I finally understand Hemi and he understands me. After an almost two year long struggle with peeing and pooing outside of the litter box, Hemi and I have an understanding. We went through hell to get there, too. Joey and I tried so many things. The first was to get the kitty pheromone to relive Hemi’s anxiety (yeah, I still don’t know why he has so much anxiety—he’s a cat). That was working but expensive…and to fill the whole house with it…wasn’t going to work. We purchased all sorts of sprays, changed the litter, put up tin foil to dissuade him from going in the same spots and we finally put him on Prozac. But then the Prozac ran out after two refills and the vet wouldn’t give us anymore. We were back to square one and as much as Joey kept that litter box pristine, Hemi objected to it if there was a trace of anything in it. Stuck up and anxious.
One afternoon over Christmas break, Joey was at wresting practice and I was sitting at the computer. Hemi looked at me and then pooed on the carpet, right in front of me. It was all I could do not to throw him across the room. Seriously. I felt a trust had been broken because I never actually saw him doing any of this. The war was on, but the way Hemi looked at me…it seemed like he knew he had a problem but just couldn’t stop himself. I swear I heard his little voice start singing...
“I’m Sorry by Buck Cherry”
One afternoon over Christmas break, Joey was at wresting practice and I was sitting at the computer. Hemi looked at me and then pooed on the carpet, right in front of me. It was all I could do not to throw him across the room. Seriously. I felt a trust had been broken because I never actually saw him doing any of this. The war was on, but the way Hemi looked at me…it seemed like he knew he had a problem but just couldn’t stop himself. I swear I heard his little voice start singing...
“I’m Sorry by Buck Cherry”
Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I'm sorry i'm bad, i'm sorry i'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say i'm sorry.
This time I think i'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die."
I read some more online and talked to God more about the situation. Sometime in January, it clicked. Treats. We don’t give the cats treats but the vet had suggested we give Cain and Titan a treat when they came in from the backyard. Why? Because at the end of last year, Cain refused to come in. And sometimes he wouldn’t just NOT come in but he would take off running the other direction and Joey would have to chase him down. So, we started to reward the dogs for coming inside when we told them, too. I thought, “maybe this can work with a cat.”
One problem with this was I never saw Hemi going in the litter box…like ever. So, I gave him a few treats in the bathroom where his litter box is located. He knew this was now the treat room. Next, any time I saw him sniffing around the litter box, assessing whether it met his standards or not, I would give him a treat. And then, I was sitting at the computer and I heard scratching…finally! He hopped out of the box and I gave him a treat along with lots of praise. Later that day, I walked into the bathroom, Hemi followed me, hopped into the litter box hopped out, looked at me and meowed. Treat. He got back in the litter box and got back out, looked at me and meowed. Treat. I called Joey and explained what was going on. Now, we could only give him a treat if he actually went #1 or #2.
I read some more online and talked to God more about the situation. Sometime in January, it clicked. Treats. We don’t give the cats treats but the vet had suggested we give Cain and Titan a treat when they came in from the backyard. Why? Because at the end of last year, Cain refused to come in. And sometimes he wouldn’t just NOT come in but he would take off running the other direction and Joey would have to chase him down. So, we started to reward the dogs for coming inside when we told them, too. I thought, “maybe this can work with a cat.”
One problem with this was I never saw Hemi going in the litter box…like ever. So, I gave him a few treats in the bathroom where his litter box is located. He knew this was now the treat room. Next, any time I saw him sniffing around the litter box, assessing whether it met his standards or not, I would give him a treat. And then, I was sitting at the computer and I heard scratching…finally! He hopped out of the box and I gave him a treat along with lots of praise. Later that day, I walked into the bathroom, Hemi followed me, hopped into the litter box hopped out, looked at me and meowed. Treat. He got back in the litter box and got back out, looked at me and meowed. Treat. I called Joey and explained what was going on. Now, we could only give him a treat if he actually went #1 or #2.
After two months of this, Hemi has caught on and he’s finally doing this with Joey, too. The first time was disastrous because Joey has not kept his cool in the past. So, when he walked in on Hemi using the Tinkle Bank, he waited until Hemi got out and then Joey started to praise him. Hemi freaked and took off while Joey chased him with a treat. But now, everyone is on the same page….with peeing. We are still working on the pooing issue.
I reminded Joey what the procedure is when catching Hemi in the act (outside of the box). Firmly say no, pick him up and put him in the litter box. Do not yell, do not scream, do not chase him, do not light hair on fire with anger. Last week, Joey walked in on Hemi using the bedroom carpet as his litter box. He handled the situation well. Hemi really is understanding. It’s kind of funny though because he wants that treat so bad, he’ll wait until one of us gets there and runs to the litter box. Now the first thing we do when entering is follow him to the litter box right away.
Joey is shaking his head. He just can't believe I had trained Hemi to go in his litter box. Chessie is shaking her head, too. She can't believe Hemi has trained me to give him a treat just for going in the damn thing.
Next up: Try to figure out how to put the fat cat on a diet without harming the skinny cat.
I reminded Joey what the procedure is when catching Hemi in the act (outside of the box). Firmly say no, pick him up and put him in the litter box. Do not yell, do not scream, do not chase him, do not light hair on fire with anger. Last week, Joey walked in on Hemi using the bedroom carpet as his litter box. He handled the situation well. Hemi really is understanding. It’s kind of funny though because he wants that treat so bad, he’ll wait until one of us gets there and runs to the litter box. Now the first thing we do when entering is follow him to the litter box right away.
Joey is shaking his head. He just can't believe I had trained Hemi to go in his litter box. Chessie is shaking her head, too. She can't believe Hemi has trained me to give him a treat just for going in the damn thing.
Next up: Try to figure out how to put the fat cat on a diet without harming the skinny cat.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Grandma
I haven’t written about this and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I’ve needed time to process it all. Maybe because I’ve been too busy going through it. Maybe I’ve been too lazy.
On January 15 around 5:30ish in the morning, a woman delivered the newspaper and found my 80-year-old grandmother lying unconscious just inside the door. The day before, my grandma had received a local anesthetic to get some teeth pulled. She insisted she was fine so my sister left her in her own home.
Something went wrong. We still don’t know what happened. I received the call as I got ready for work. They said grandma was unconscious but in the Sparrow’s ER. My mom and sister told me to wait so I went to work. I stayed a few hours and then left for Lansing. Grandma was put into a room by the time Joey and I got there. My cousin Jennie was with her. Grandma seemed weak but she knew who we were. After a few hours, we left. I went to work the next day and around 1:00, my sister called me again.
“Grandma isn’t doing so well.”
I left work again and raced to the hospital. In the parking ramp, I prayed. I prayed for my grandmother. I prayed I would get along with my uncle. I prayed for strength. I got to the fourth floor and as I walked down the hall, my two uncles were walking toward me. I flashed back to when my grandfather was in a coma. These two uncles had told me he wasn’t going to wake up. My heart was pounding.
Uncle Brian: Grandma isn’t looking good.
Uncle Chuck: She took a turn for the worse.
When I saw my grandmother, they were wheeling her out of the room for tests. I almost cried. She looked horrible, like she was a second away from dying. Pale, weak…she reminded me of when grandpa died.
The family went down to the cafeteria to talk. We just weren’t sure what was going to happen. In my heart, I prayed again.
Uncle Brian and I were standing in the hall outside of grandma’s room waiting for her to return. We were making jokes, laughing at each other and really getting along. Grandma returned and seemed a lot better. She began talking to us…but we then noticed her brain was somewhere else. She was seeing people who were dead. She thought she saw a picture of her brother and my mother on the wall. We all knew she was hallucinating, showing signs of dementia and maybe having a mini stroke. Before I left, I told my uncle I had prayed for he and I and for grandma.
“You must be her angel then because she has turned around since this afternoon.”
I left the hospital and went to the Mason vs. Holt wrestling meet. It was the only match I had wanted to see all year. Joey’s former school wrestling his current school. Before I left Joey’s house for the meet, my sister called. “I don’t know if grandma is going to make it through the night. I’ll call you with updates.” I went to the meet anyway and was ready to leave if I needed to. The match was intense and Mason took an early lead. Steve Sommerlot attended and it was cool to see him get so involved in the matches.
After Holt won, Joey and I went back up to the hospital. Grandma was going to pull through. My cousin Jennie slept in a chair next to her that entire night. If she wouldn’t have, I would have. I learned when the last grandma died that I didn’t want this grandma to be alone.
Thursday around noon, I went up to the hospital. My great uncle was there. He is my grandma’s youngest brother. She was 16 or 17 when he was born. He often jokes that she is his real mother and it is the biggest family secret. She laughs at him. It was good to see the two of them interact. Gary really picked her spirits up. Her mind was clearer and we finally knew what was wrong with her: urinary tract infection and a fractured fibula.
She was going to be released to the hospital but where would she go? We needed a place for her until she could go back home. The only place available was a place on Willoughby. I had been to that place in the past but there was no way I was letting her go there.
More to follow....
On January 15 around 5:30ish in the morning, a woman delivered the newspaper and found my 80-year-old grandmother lying unconscious just inside the door. The day before, my grandma had received a local anesthetic to get some teeth pulled. She insisted she was fine so my sister left her in her own home.
Something went wrong. We still don’t know what happened. I received the call as I got ready for work. They said grandma was unconscious but in the Sparrow’s ER. My mom and sister told me to wait so I went to work. I stayed a few hours and then left for Lansing. Grandma was put into a room by the time Joey and I got there. My cousin Jennie was with her. Grandma seemed weak but she knew who we were. After a few hours, we left. I went to work the next day and around 1:00, my sister called me again.
“Grandma isn’t doing so well.”
I left work again and raced to the hospital. In the parking ramp, I prayed. I prayed for my grandmother. I prayed I would get along with my uncle. I prayed for strength. I got to the fourth floor and as I walked down the hall, my two uncles were walking toward me. I flashed back to when my grandfather was in a coma. These two uncles had told me he wasn’t going to wake up. My heart was pounding.
Uncle Brian: Grandma isn’t looking good.
Uncle Chuck: She took a turn for the worse.
When I saw my grandmother, they were wheeling her out of the room for tests. I almost cried. She looked horrible, like she was a second away from dying. Pale, weak…she reminded me of when grandpa died.
The family went down to the cafeteria to talk. We just weren’t sure what was going to happen. In my heart, I prayed again.
Uncle Brian and I were standing in the hall outside of grandma’s room waiting for her to return. We were making jokes, laughing at each other and really getting along. Grandma returned and seemed a lot better. She began talking to us…but we then noticed her brain was somewhere else. She was seeing people who were dead. She thought she saw a picture of her brother and my mother on the wall. We all knew she was hallucinating, showing signs of dementia and maybe having a mini stroke. Before I left, I told my uncle I had prayed for he and I and for grandma.
“You must be her angel then because she has turned around since this afternoon.”
I left the hospital and went to the Mason vs. Holt wrestling meet. It was the only match I had wanted to see all year. Joey’s former school wrestling his current school. Before I left Joey’s house for the meet, my sister called. “I don’t know if grandma is going to make it through the night. I’ll call you with updates.” I went to the meet anyway and was ready to leave if I needed to. The match was intense and Mason took an early lead. Steve Sommerlot attended and it was cool to see him get so involved in the matches.
After Holt won, Joey and I went back up to the hospital. Grandma was going to pull through. My cousin Jennie slept in a chair next to her that entire night. If she wouldn’t have, I would have. I learned when the last grandma died that I didn’t want this grandma to be alone.
Thursday around noon, I went up to the hospital. My great uncle was there. He is my grandma’s youngest brother. She was 16 or 17 when he was born. He often jokes that she is his real mother and it is the biggest family secret. She laughs at him. It was good to see the two of them interact. Gary really picked her spirits up. Her mind was clearer and we finally knew what was wrong with her: urinary tract infection and a fractured fibula.
She was going to be released to the hospital but where would she go? We needed a place for her until she could go back home. The only place available was a place on Willoughby. I had been to that place in the past but there was no way I was letting her go there.
More to follow....
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Comfort Foods
I actually wrote this on 8-3-06 but...did I not publish it?
I was watching a show called "The Secret Life of Comfort Foods" on the Food Network. One of the most comforting foods, according to them, is meatloaf. We never ate meatloaf growing up. I'm not totally opposed to it but it's not something i make. This episode made me think about my comfort foods. Here they are in no particular order:
Hot Vanilla Decaf Chai
Mashed Potatoes
S'mores
Chilli
Double Decker Tacos
Honey--I put honey on almost everything...cereal, yogurt, tea..love the stuff
Joey's Spaghetti
Emil's Spaghetti
Russ' Homemade Chocolate Cake
Homemade Mac & Cheese
Baja Shrimp Tacos
Baja salsa
homemade salsa
sushi
peach cobbler
steel cut oatmeal with brown sugar
Blueberries
Meatballs
Chocolate covered strawberries
I was watching a show called "The Secret Life of Comfort Foods" on the Food Network. One of the most comforting foods, according to them, is meatloaf. We never ate meatloaf growing up. I'm not totally opposed to it but it's not something i make. This episode made me think about my comfort foods. Here they are in no particular order:
Hot Vanilla Decaf Chai
Mashed Potatoes
S'mores
Chilli
Double Decker Tacos
Honey--I put honey on almost everything...cereal, yogurt, tea..love the stuff
Joey's Spaghetti
Emil's Spaghetti
Russ' Homemade Chocolate Cake
Homemade Mac & Cheese
Baja Shrimp Tacos
Baja salsa
homemade salsa
sushi
peach cobbler
steel cut oatmeal with brown sugar
Blueberries
Meatballs
Chocolate covered strawberries
Monday, March 03, 2008
Twenty Years Ago
March 3, 1988
I was 12-years-old. I lived on 5 Point Hwy in Charlotte, MI with my mom, her boyfriend and his kids, Chad and Fawn. My favorite tape was Dirty Dancing. I spent hours listening to that and the Faith album by George Michael. I had just received them for my birthday the week before. I had a boyfriend: Brad Hendrickson. He was in 7th grade. I was in 6th grade. We rode the bus together. My best friends were T.J. and Jenny. We all attended Olivet Middle School. I had grown up with T.J. and it was through her mother, I met Kim.
Kim was the daughter of T.J.'s mom's boyfriend, Howard. They had combined their families and I spent quite a bit of time with them. We went hot air ballooning, roller skating, dancing and watching movies.
But anyone who has been with this blog for long knows who Kim is...or was...or still is. She died at the age of 14 on this day twenty years ago. I made a promise then that I would not forget this day or her for as long as I live. Her life and her death made a huge impression on me.
God wanted me to remember her, too. This morning, He played a song in her memory. Kim loved the song "Lean On Me" and I turned it to the radio station just as it started. How cool.
So, her memory lives on through her family and friends. And although this was a terrible, terrible day so long ago, on this March 3, 2008, God gave my friends a little girl of their own.
He gives and takes away and gives again. Blessed be Your name, Lord.
I was 12-years-old. I lived on 5 Point Hwy in Charlotte, MI with my mom, her boyfriend and his kids, Chad and Fawn. My favorite tape was Dirty Dancing. I spent hours listening to that and the Faith album by George Michael. I had just received them for my birthday the week before. I had a boyfriend: Brad Hendrickson. He was in 7th grade. I was in 6th grade. We rode the bus together. My best friends were T.J. and Jenny. We all attended Olivet Middle School. I had grown up with T.J. and it was through her mother, I met Kim.
Kim was the daughter of T.J.'s mom's boyfriend, Howard. They had combined their families and I spent quite a bit of time with them. We went hot air ballooning, roller skating, dancing and watching movies.
But anyone who has been with this blog for long knows who Kim is...or was...or still is. She died at the age of 14 on this day twenty years ago. I made a promise then that I would not forget this day or her for as long as I live. Her life and her death made a huge impression on me.
God wanted me to remember her, too. This morning, He played a song in her memory. Kim loved the song "Lean On Me" and I turned it to the radio station just as it started. How cool.
So, her memory lives on through her family and friends. And although this was a terrible, terrible day so long ago, on this March 3, 2008, God gave my friends a little girl of their own.
He gives and takes away and gives again. Blessed be Your name, Lord.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Persistence
A few weeks ago, I really needed to talk to a pastor. There was a ministry issue I needed guidance on.
I picked up the phone and called....Steve. It rang and rang and went to voicemail.
I dialed...Paul who is my advising pastor for RivRunners. It rang and rang and went to voicemail.
I wasn't about to give up. I next dialed Noel. The phone rang and rang and went to voicemail. Now I was a little frustrated so I went to Dan's phone # and...I realized it was Tuesday. Horror came over me as I realized they were all in a meeting...together. I prayed none of them had their cell phones with them but about 20 minutes later...
Steve left me a voicemail. Paul e-mailed me. Noel called me.
"Hey, Holly."
"Uh...(embarrassed)...hey, Noel."
"Normally, I don't call people back who don't leave me a message but I just had to find out what you wanted. It was pretty funny because we were sitting in the pastor's meeting and one by one, our cell phones went off. Well, except Dan's. He felt left out."
Needless to say, I won't be pulling that little stunt again.
I picked up the phone and called....Steve. It rang and rang and went to voicemail.
I dialed...Paul who is my advising pastor for RivRunners. It rang and rang and went to voicemail.
I wasn't about to give up. I next dialed Noel. The phone rang and rang and went to voicemail. Now I was a little frustrated so I went to Dan's phone # and...I realized it was Tuesday. Horror came over me as I realized they were all in a meeting...together. I prayed none of them had their cell phones with them but about 20 minutes later...
Steve left me a voicemail. Paul e-mailed me. Noel called me.
"Hey, Holly."
"Uh...(embarrassed)...hey, Noel."
"Normally, I don't call people back who don't leave me a message but I just had to find out what you wanted. It was pretty funny because we were sitting in the pastor's meeting and one by one, our cell phones went off. Well, except Dan's. He felt left out."
Needless to say, I won't be pulling that little stunt again.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Happy 5 Year Birthday
5 Years ago…
The Space Shuttle Columbia was reported to have been broke apart and disintegrated over Texas as it embarked on its final approach to a landing after its 28th space mission. All seven crew members are considered to be lost.
Record producer Phil Spector was arrested in relation to an investigation into the fatal shooting of a 40-year-old woman in Los Angeles. Press reports identify the woman as the actress Lana Clarkson.
United States military officials anonymously confirm to the Washington Post that two Special Forces units have been operating on the ground inside Iraq for over a month, making preliminary preparations for a large-scale invasion.
In Chicago, IL, a stampede at the E2 south side nightclub kills 21 people.
The Station nightclub fire: A fire started by pyrotechnics set-off by Great White, a rock band playing a nightclub in West Warwick, Kent County, Rhode Island kills at least 96 and injures nearly 200, with 35 in critical condition. Fatalities from burn injuries are expected to increase.
I walked into Riverview church for the first time on February 16, 2003. There was no headline which would commemorate this event in my life. In fact, it didn’t even have much of an impact on me. I felt sick from the numerous Jack and Cokes the night before. I didn’t know anyone except for the person who drove me there. We sat on the far left side, toward the middle with his parents. Paul DenHerder took the stage and started singing songs like “Open The Eyes Of My Heart” and “Amazing Love.” I wanted to throw up. Steve Sommerlot was next and he asked us to take a moment and ask the people around us what we had or had not received for Valentine’s Day. I could barely stand it. Steve then opened his teaching. The title was “Are you in a Rut?”
Five years ago, I walked into that church and held on tight to myself. I was clinging to myself, clinging to everything I thought was right and good. I held on to my partying lifestyle. I held on to my right to have relations with whomever I wanted. I held on to what was most important in my life: me, my family, my friends and my freedom. February 16, 2003 opened a door in my soul. For the first time, someone was asking me if the way I was doing things was really working. Someone was asking me if I wanted to change for the better. Someone was asking me if I needed and wanted help. Of course, that someone wasn’t Steve. It wasn’t Joey or anyone else I knew.
The second time I went to Riv was a few weekends later. Christ spoke to me in such a compelling way. I saw things right in front of my face which were hidden before. Jesus made Himself known and planted these questions in my heart: Will you cling to me? Can I be your reason for everything? Can I be your family, your friend, and your freedom? Will you try it my way? Will you give up yourself to be someone new in me?
It wasn’t until later that summer when it all clicked. Someone threw down a bridge diagram during church and I saw it all—finally. It still blows my mind how I thought I was a Christian until I actually became one. It still blows my mind that I’ve never rejected Christ even though I’ve rebelled, come back, rebelled again and stayed fast with Him. The Holy Spirit is strong inside of me. It still blows my mind when I remember the rejection from friends and family who thought I was taking this Jesus stuff a little too seriously. That continues to happen, actually. It also still blows my mind when I see people who “give their lives to Christ” and then walk away from Him for one reason or another. I pray that never happens to me. Right now, our bond is so tight, I don’t know how it could split…but really, we’ve only been together for five years J
Happy 5 year birthday to me and thank you, God for saving my life. Thank you for showing me how living for myself doesn’t work. Thank you for showing me how doing thing my way doesn’t work. Thank you for the fiancé you’ve given me. Thank you for the friends in my life who inspire and help me. Thank you for the family that (for the most part) supports me. Thank you for Riverview and the people who lift me up and get honest with me. Thank you for the pastors who teach, reveal, and answer my calls. All of these people are beautiful, wonderful gifts.
Riverview did not change my life as I so often say. Christ used Riverview to soften my heart and prepare me for Himself. February 16 was just the beginning.
I found this online and I could really relate:
Before Christ--The Self-directed life
Self is on the throne. Interests are directed by self, resulting in discord and frustration. Christ is outside the person's life.
A picture of me before Christ:
With Christ--The Christ-directed life
Christ is on the throne. Self is yielding to Christ. Interests are directed by Christ, resulting in harmony with God's plan.
The Space Shuttle Columbia was reported to have been broke apart and disintegrated over Texas as it embarked on its final approach to a landing after its 28th space mission. All seven crew members are considered to be lost.
Record producer Phil Spector was arrested in relation to an investigation into the fatal shooting of a 40-year-old woman in Los Angeles. Press reports identify the woman as the actress Lana Clarkson.
United States military officials anonymously confirm to the Washington Post that two Special Forces units have been operating on the ground inside Iraq for over a month, making preliminary preparations for a large-scale invasion.
In Chicago, IL, a stampede at the E2 south side nightclub kills 21 people.
The Station nightclub fire: A fire started by pyrotechnics set-off by Great White, a rock band playing a nightclub in West Warwick, Kent County, Rhode Island kills at least 96 and injures nearly 200, with 35 in critical condition. Fatalities from burn injuries are expected to increase.
I walked into Riverview church for the first time on February 16, 2003. There was no headline which would commemorate this event in my life. In fact, it didn’t even have much of an impact on me. I felt sick from the numerous Jack and Cokes the night before. I didn’t know anyone except for the person who drove me there. We sat on the far left side, toward the middle with his parents. Paul DenHerder took the stage and started singing songs like “Open The Eyes Of My Heart” and “Amazing Love.” I wanted to throw up. Steve Sommerlot was next and he asked us to take a moment and ask the people around us what we had or had not received for Valentine’s Day. I could barely stand it. Steve then opened his teaching. The title was “Are you in a Rut?”
Five years ago, I walked into that church and held on tight to myself. I was clinging to myself, clinging to everything I thought was right and good. I held on to my partying lifestyle. I held on to my right to have relations with whomever I wanted. I held on to what was most important in my life: me, my family, my friends and my freedom. February 16, 2003 opened a door in my soul. For the first time, someone was asking me if the way I was doing things was really working. Someone was asking me if I wanted to change for the better. Someone was asking me if I needed and wanted help. Of course, that someone wasn’t Steve. It wasn’t Joey or anyone else I knew.
The second time I went to Riv was a few weekends later. Christ spoke to me in such a compelling way. I saw things right in front of my face which were hidden before. Jesus made Himself known and planted these questions in my heart: Will you cling to me? Can I be your reason for everything? Can I be your family, your friend, and your freedom? Will you try it my way? Will you give up yourself to be someone new in me?
It wasn’t until later that summer when it all clicked. Someone threw down a bridge diagram during church and I saw it all—finally. It still blows my mind how I thought I was a Christian until I actually became one. It still blows my mind that I’ve never rejected Christ even though I’ve rebelled, come back, rebelled again and stayed fast with Him. The Holy Spirit is strong inside of me. It still blows my mind when I remember the rejection from friends and family who thought I was taking this Jesus stuff a little too seriously. That continues to happen, actually. It also still blows my mind when I see people who “give their lives to Christ” and then walk away from Him for one reason or another. I pray that never happens to me. Right now, our bond is so tight, I don’t know how it could split…but really, we’ve only been together for five years J
Happy 5 year birthday to me and thank you, God for saving my life. Thank you for showing me how living for myself doesn’t work. Thank you for showing me how doing thing my way doesn’t work. Thank you for the fiancé you’ve given me. Thank you for the friends in my life who inspire and help me. Thank you for the family that (for the most part) supports me. Thank you for Riverview and the people who lift me up and get honest with me. Thank you for the pastors who teach, reveal, and answer my calls. All of these people are beautiful, wonderful gifts.
Riverview did not change my life as I so often say. Christ used Riverview to soften my heart and prepare me for Himself. February 16 was just the beginning.
I found this online and I could really relate:
Before Christ--The Self-directed life
Self is on the throne. Interests are directed by self, resulting in discord and frustration. Christ is outside the person's life.
A picture of me before Christ:
With Christ--The Christ-directed life
Christ is on the throne. Self is yielding to Christ. Interests are directed by Christ, resulting in harmony with God's plan.
A picture of me now:
"One Sunday I listened to the preacher
And i knew he was preaching to me
I couldn't help it I walked up front
And I got down on my knees
Right then and there I swear I changed when I found the Lord
Glory Hallelujah Good God Almighty
I never wanted nothing more
No i never wanted nothing more"
Never Wanted Nothing More ~ Kenny C.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Phil makes me laugh.
A note to the Riv ministry leaders from Phil regarding the building phone:
Also, we added Caller ID on our phone system, so if Satan calls we’ll know not to pick up.
Also, we added Caller ID on our phone system, so if Satan calls we’ll know not to pick up.
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