The days go by...

Things have been non-stop lately. I meant to write every day and thought I could get by on once a week...which as you can see didn't turn out, either. So, here is an update on my father.

He is home. After a month of being in the in-patient rehap at Sparrow, he came home two weeks ago. Just last week, he was able to start moving his right leg. This is an answered prayer. Still, no movement in the right hand--YET. Also, not talking...yet. He tries to talk but it still isn't freely coming out. You can show him a cup but he can't say the word unless you write the word for him. Most words he can get when they are written...except television. Man, does he try to say that word. He practices it over and over again.

I miss my dad. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. I get down sometimes about it. I look down sometimes about it. The looking down thing got me a few weeks ago. I didn't sleep for two nights in a row because I couldn't quit thinking about all the things that might go wrong. This would be called Not Trusting God. I had to let it all go and remember three things about worry:
1.) When you worry you are playing God. You are not God and are not in control. He is. So let go and let God.
2.) When you worry, you are pretty much saying that God is done working in your life. He isn't. Let Him be in control.
3.) "The attitude of faith does not worry, fret, or have anxiety concerning tomorrow, because faith understands that wherever it needs to go, even into the unknowns of the future, Jesus has already been there." Joyce Meyer

As for my dad, I kind of related the situation like this: your house burns down destroying everything you have inside...but everyone made it out alive. You move forward, not focusing on what was lost but on the new beginnings, the new way of life.

Week Two--Don't Look Down

I thought I had better update on week two as we are about to tackle week three. Last Sunday, Joey and I watched half the Super Bowl with dad. He was definitely rooting for the Cardinals and not the Steelers. He was also trying desperately to communicate something to Joey and I. He kept tapping two fingers on his knee. Every response I gave frustrated him. I wasn't understanding. Joey suddenly said, "two words." Dad shook his head yes with excitement. Shit. He was playing Charades with us! Now this would not be too unusual for dad because as a family, we did and do play Charades. Some of my favorite memories are because of this game. Anyhow, we figured out that he needed something...but what. I asked him if he needed a beer. Yes was the verbal response. I laughed. No way was he getting a beer from me. Anyhow, we never did figure out what it was he wanted...or needed. But we had a small breakthrough when dad was pointing to his bed. Joey asked if he wanted to get in bed. He rolled his eyes and shook his head no. He continued to point to the bed. Did he want a pillow? A blanket? No...NO! It suddenly occured to me that he wanted something on the night stand. Joey picked up a Tootsie Pop. YES! That was what he wanted. Relief. He was also really cute because he kept putting his 3D glasses on.

My aunt Ginny and Uncle Lynn came to see him on Monday. Joey and I went out to dinner with them and drank wine. I'm so glad they came to see me...I mean him :o)

I didn't go up to see dad Tues, Wed or Thurs because I was battling a cold. Lucky for me, the cold never quite moved past the first few stages. I never had the full out symptoms. Friday, I got to see dad in physical therapy. It is still too early to know if he'll regain any mobility on his right side. His speech therapist is really hopeful, though. He can count and say a few words. I swear, it's like I hold my breath waiting to hear his voice and then I get excited just to hear him say simple words like "bye" "wait" "no" "yes". Baby steps....

So, now we are on to week 4. wow. Really? Seems like this whole thing just happened. Oh, and an update on my step-mom...I think she is holding up well. She is definitely trying to be at his therapy sessions. She is doing an awesome job at communicating to him and trying new ways of communication (tic-tac-toe, a deck of cards). She has been amazing.

Oh...and me. Well, I guess I can explain it like this: I'm afraid of heights. I can't go up in a ferris wheel without freaking. I can get on an airplane and ride a roller coaster...so I'm not always afraid. I'm even more afraid in my dreams. I've had dreams where I'll be in a tall building and suddenly the whole building is made of glass and I'm standing on a glass floor way up in the air. THAT is what I feel like now. I'm on this glass walkway and I have to stay focused on getting to the other side, to safety...or I have to focus on Christ and trust God so I need to look up...because the second I look down, I freak out. I panic. I start to wallow. I start to miss my dad. I think negative thoughts. So...I continue to look ahead and up.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We really do need them.

Update on Dad

It has been a crazy week. Crazy.

Saturday--Dad could somewhat speak. Somewhat. When asked, he could say Holly, although it wasn't perfect. "Joey" sounded more like Jodi. But hey, he was comprehending and he could walk with assistance. The doctors said his prognosis was favorable. I thought for sure after some sleep he would be a little better.

Sunday--He was worse. I walked in expecting way more than I got. He barely said anything. He was frustrated. He was losing some of the feeling on his right side. He wasn't comprehending. The doctors were negative. I felt panic. He had another stroke. Still, when they moved him to the step down unit (less critical), he walked.

Monday--I went up to see him after school. He was about the same. Tried to speak but it came out funny. Then, he would get frustrated. I didn't stay very long.

Tuesday--Again, visited him after work (school). He seemed worse. He could barely move his right hand and leg. What was going on?

Wednesday--I had a crappy day at East Lansing High School. I will never sub there again. It was only a half day in the Resource Room. Yeah...should have been easy. I assisted the lead teacher in first hour, had planning second hour and then had to give an open book test in 3rd hour. The kids in this 3rd hour were tough kids. They were a heartbeat away from being kicked out. In fact most of them left for the career center after this class. One kid kept swearing up a storm...he didn't even care I was right in front of him. I kindly asked him to stop. Normally, I would send his butt to the office but I knew that if I could keep him on my good side, I could stand him for the 50 minutes. But then, he pulled out a pocket knife. Seriously? I sat there trying to figure out what to do. At Holt, I would know to push the emergency button. At EL, no clue. I didn't want a confrontation with him so I didn't draw attention to the knife. Trying to figure out how I could get to the office with my stuff without him knowing left ME almost paralyzed with fear. I decided to not say anything to him. After class, I reported it to the office and left...for good.

I felt better thinking about how I would have all afternoon to spend with dad but that changed when I saw him. He could no longer move his right arm or leg. It was like they were dead to him. I tried not to make a big deal about it but asked the nurse what was up. She kind of blew me off saying something about a change, waxing and waning and how she would talk to me when she returned from her break. Dad and I watched TV (that is the only thing he wants to do) and ate Jelly Bellys. Dad's friend Tom came to visit. We watched as the Speech Therapist worked with dad. She saw some improvement in his comprehension. Good news...finally! Tom and I had a chance to talk about everything that was happening. There was a funny moment we had which involved my dad(not going to go into it, though). Dad couldn't quite get that he couldn't use his right side so he tried to take himself to the bathroom. He had no balance at all. Two women had to take him. I finally realized something was really wrong and said I wanted to see his doctor. The doctor happened to be just down the hall. He explained that dad's stroke may not have completed itself and there was still a lot of swelling in the brain.

"So, I have to sit and watch him get worse?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do," came the answer.

I had to excuse myself to cry that one out. The brain is such a mystery. So is my dad right now. After my moment, I went back to his room and was shocked to see him sitting up! His balance was back. I guess that is the way it goes with a stroke.

Thursday--I didn't go up to see him. I wanted him to rest.

Friday--He was about the same but seemed to be more in tune with his right side. He rubbed his hand and tried to answer questions. He finally was moved into the In-Patient rehab. Yay! He has his own room and is right outside the nurse's station. He and I watched something on the History Channel about Hitler's Family. I had been missing my dad a lot but this soothed me.

Saturday--Walked into Dad's room to see him sitting in the big chair, with shorts and a t-shirt, watching basketball. He looks so normal. He got excited when he saw my sister and I but couldn't say anything that made sense. I spent a lot of time with him this afternoon. After everyone else left, he turned the channel to Braveheart and we both fell asleep watching it.

I miss talking to my dad and have this need to see him every day. I don't think I have seen my dad every day since we were working at the golf course together. But I know this isn't it. I know he will improve. Anyhow, that is my update.

Also, one more thing. Not everyone has access to this here blog so please don't make mention of it on Facebook. My dad is a pretty modest and a private person which is way I'm not saying too much on FB. I'm sorry I didn't mention this before and no hard feelings to anyone :o)

So....here I am....

Today sucked. It made me realize just how much I've grown up and how childish I still am. See...a lot has happened to this little life of mine in the past year. Last January, my independent Grandmother almost died but ended up okay...just in a retirement home. I saw her life completely change. And my life...well...we all know...I moved, took a husband, changed my name, address, social security, benefits, quit my job...yeah...lots of changes. I almost felt like I wasn't me anymore.

But I still have Christ. Thank you...God :o)

And now...on this cold, snowy evening...I wrestle with the latest change in my life: my father just had a stroke. What the hell? Seriously? This stuff doesn't happen to parents. It might happen to grandparents but my mom and dad are young. At least...the last time I noticed. I guess I haven't been paying attention to the time...because my life has been changing every day. At least it wasn't serious but seeing him laying there, unable to communicate except for a few words...it left me wanting to scream STOP! NO MORE CHANGES, LORD...please. But if there aren't going to be anymore changes, then I'm never going to grow...and I'll never have a better job...and if there aren't any changes in my life, then I would never welcome a baby into ours. So, I guess it is bittersweet...like the wine I'm drinking right now.

I hate January.

Wow....there are a lot of cobwebs here.

Top Lessons from Wedding

1.) Eat without Us!
2.) List of pictures I wanted
3.) Talk to DJ at least 3 days before wedding.
4.) Go into florist to see flowers or pictures of flowers three days before wedding.
5.) Back up DVD player.
6.) Make sure all dances took place we wanted to take place.
7.) Give the reception facility 10-15 people less then what you expect.
8.) Hair trial—a few of them.
9.) Cake—eat it right there and then—don’t save it!
10.) 2 people pulling the aisle runner.
11.) Have Reta do all the flowers—all of them.

Wedding Day Part 2: The Ceremony

I was about to walk down the aisle but I was tripping on my dress. This would not do at all. I was in panic city as Jenny left through the doors down the aisle. I can’t remember the woman’s name (she works at Riverview) but she told me to give my dad my flowers and pick my dress up off the floor. I would have to hold the front. No. I didn’t want to do that. I reluctantly gave my dad the flowers as Kelly left through the doors. My sister was next and then me. My sister suddenly turned around got under my dress and pushed the hoop skirt way up. Then, she was gone. We were next.

I remember Bradley pulling the aisle runner and hearing people laugh. I remember the doors closing. I remember the weight of my bouquet as I took it back from my dad. This was it. I was floating. Bradley had to pass me as he went to the side door and back up to the front. He gave me a smile and I think he touched my arm. Oh…my little nephew all grown up…almost grown up. The doors opened and Devon nodded for us to go. So…we went.

I wanted to look side to side to see all the people there. I thought that was what I would do but now all I cared about was getting down that aisle without tripping on my dress. My dad had told me we would get through it and go slowly. I felt like we were going slow but now…now I was totally focused on something else.

See, there was this guy standing at the front of the church. He looked so good in a tux and he was clean shaven. I knew this guy. He was the one who told me when we were in high school how he would date me if he had the chance. He told me years later that he was going to marry me someday. I fought him so hard on it. We came close to walking away from each other on windy day in November 2005 but there he was, at the end of the aisle. He was waiting for me, just like he always has, always does. Our eyes locked and I didn’t take my gaze away from him the entire time. And I could not stop smiling. No tears, just smiles. And I made it down the aisle without tripping. :o)

The ceremony began and when my dad was asked who gives the bride away, my dad happily surprised me by responding, “her Lord, her family and her friends do.” My Lord. It immediately reminded me that God was standing there, too. And my friends…they were there…giving me away. How many girls have their friends give them away? I loved my daddy’s statement. It fit me so perfectly.

During the ceremony, I was calm but I noticed every time something didn’t go the right way. Like how people didn’t stand during my favorite hymn or no one was singing together. Or when the wrong music started at the wrong time. And how I had told Kristen to only sing the first and last verse of “Nothing But The Blood” but Joey had secretly asked her to sing the whole thing (I’m glad he did).

The bouquet…as pretty as it was, was so heavy my arm was killing me. Joey tried to help hold it up. Finally, it was time to give the bouquet to my sister and let her deal with it. Joey and I went to light the candles and Dan started playing the music to “When I Sing.” I waited…and waited…and waited for him to start singing the words to the song but nothing was coming. I panicked a little thinking, “oh no. He thinks I only wanted the instrumental version! Crap…” But then, the words came. And the song was so beautiful, it was the only time I almost cried. We ended the ceremony on a happy note with a happy song and then, roll the credits. We were hitched.

Wedding Day Part 1

It’s been 3 months. I still haven’t finished my wedding day story. So, here I go in three parts. Part 1 being called, “How it all falls apart.”

My last thoughts before falling asleep the night before my wedding were full of so much peace and hope. The alarm was set for 6:30ish and Yi was sleeping beside me…but I was up. I made my way to the window which looked out on the Red Cedar. Could I see the moon before it set? Now I don’t remember if it was the moon or the last star. I do remember talking to God and asking Him to be with me all day long. I prayed for Joel and Noah and all of Susan’s loved ones. I knew they would be waking up to a nightmare of not having her here. I wanted a stress free day. I really did. No…really. But here it goes…blunders and all.

I took a long shower. I remember that. I just stood there under the warm water and let my mind go blank. I used too much conditioner in my hair, too. Huge mistake I would hear about later. I got ready with my girls, had my usual breakfast of Trail Mix Grape Nuts with bananas. Yi, Becky and Jenny were amazing in making sure I was doing okay. Becky even went down to the kitchen to get me skim milk which is why I love Becky Luebke. We put my stuff behind the front desk because the room Joey and I were staying in was occupied. We walked out to the limo-van-bus thing and marveled. Dang that thing was cool. Kelly and Krissie arrived. We boarded and left for my mom’s work in Holt to get our hair did. I felt like I was floating down the road with my best friends. When we turned into my mom’s work, nerves started attacking me again.

The Make-Up and The Hair
Here is the unnecessary background. I wanted Zaina to do my make-up. We had a trial run in January. I wanted another trial run at her house where we could spend more time on it. So, in March, we went over to Z’s house and worked out a make-up plan. During this make-up plan, Zaina started playing with my hair, showing me the different things I could do. I liked it but didn’t have time to talk about hair. We scheduled another time to meet but after several cancelations, it wasn’t until the beginning of May that I finally had Zaina come up with a style for me. I wanted my sides pulled back and loose waves. Simple…but not. Now, in the meantime, my mom wanted to know who was going to do my hair. Remember, my mom is a hairstylist and has been doing hair for 40 years. I was getting married on a Sunday so I was limited to hairstylists. My mom had some of her co-workers and friends come in. I mentioned I might have Liz do my hair. MIGHT. MAYBE. But then I told my mom Zaina was going to do it. The question came: does Zaina have a license to do hair?

Ummmm….she should. But she doesn’t…yet. But so what. Don’t ask don’t tell…right?

We arrived to the salon and Liz immediately started messing with my hair. I felt so uncomfortable. Had my mom not told her Z was doing it? Z was there and ready to go. My mom arrived and told me to just go sit down and let Zaina curl my hair. So I did. Except the curling iron was not working because I had put too much conditioner in my hair. GRRRRRR. My mom pretty much pushed Zaina out of the way and threw hot rollers in. I asked Zaina to just do my make up. When the curlers were ready to come out, I pulled Zaina into the bathroom. We were both feeling icky like, “what the heck is going on with these other people?!” Zaina said, “Just let Liz do your hair. That makes everything easy.”

I headed over to Liz’s chair and Jenny was just getting her hair finished. She turned around and everything in me wanted to bust up laughing. And this is why I love Jenny Cole so much. She looked at me with a huge smile and said knowingly, “what is so funny, Holly?” She had a beehive hair do. No lie. Now….it was my turn?!!?! Oh God NO! But I sat down and was subjected to some of the toughest hair pushing and pulling ever. My head hurt. And the curls were horribly tight. When Liz finished, I wanted to cry. It wasn’t Liz’s fault. I never sat down with her to show her what I wanted. But Zaina knew. Zaina whispered in my ear, “don’t worry. I’ll fix it at the church.” And that is why I love Zaina Holcomb. After everyone’s hair and make-up was finished (and after some weirdness over the payments—my mom ended up paying for everyone’s hair—I love my mom) we left to pick up the groom’s sister, Rebecca.

We pulled up in front of the house and my soon-to-be father-in-law came onto the bus to give me a hug. Then, the mom came on, too. But when Rebecca walked out of the house and on to the party bus, I just about lost it. Her hair was exactly how I wanted mine to be done. I whispered to Krissie “that’s the hair I wanted.” My eyes filled with tears. Krissie immediately started running her fingers through the curls to get them to loosen up. This is why I love Krissie Krenz.

Driving to McAllister’s to eat lunch, I tried to calm myself down. I was so thirsty. Krissie and I split a sandwich (I think) and I had a lemonade but it was too sweet. And now, my nerves were really up. I was pretty quiet as we sped back toward the church. I remember Lyndsay just loving the bus ride. She acted like it was all for her which was cute. I saw the church come into view and wanted to throw up from excitement. I wanted my dress on now. I wanted to get the party started.

When we pulled into the drive and parked in front of the church, I got out but was quickly told that the bridal room wasn’t ready. Back on the bus. Man, I was so antsy! Emmalee and Alex Thill got on the bus to give me a hug. Several other popped their head in to wave. We danced and sang and waited. Finally, we could go in. Unfortunately, my dress wasn’t there yet. So, I went back outside and sat on the grassy island in the driveway. This is the spot I had sat in 24 hours before, sobbing for Susan. This was the spot I had sat in so many times…so many times. Becky joined me and we talked about nothing too important. Just having her right there was important enough. Zaina arrived and so did my dress. We went inside.

I think this was when Zaina took my hair out and started to fix it. My sister, God love her, had said, to me before Z got there, “if you want to change your hair, just do it before mom gets here.” That was good for me to hear. My sister and I both understand how personal our mother takes our hair. So Zaina turned to Devon, our wedding coordinator, and said, “when the bride’s mom gets here, we need a warning. Do you know which one she is?” Devon replied, “Yes I do” and left to wait in the lobby. Z took out the hair pins and did my hair over. It was exactly the way I wanted it. I started to get teary and Zaina said, “stop it. You’ll ruin your make-up.” Suddenly, Devon opened the door to our room, closed it and barely had time to say, “bride’s mom….right behind me.” I started laughing a little at the scene. Me, a grown woman, having someone warn me of my mom’s presence, as if my mom would unleash wrath on me or something. Not the case. I simply explained the situation to her. She smoothed out the top and we were good to go. My hair story is finished!

The DJ
Why?!?!?!!? This just really gets me….really. I’m standing there, about to put my wedding dress on when someone hands me the phone and says, “its Amanda.” Now, Amanda is part of the DJ-Photographer-Wedding Coordinator package we received from Rick. Amanda was at my house talking to Joey. “Could you tell me your set list for the wedding?” she asked. Are you kidding me!?!?! Joey and I had submitted it on Friday night. The reception is just in a few hours. I’m about to put my wedding dress on. And I’m being asked what my set list is?! I could barely think straight. I pulled it together as best I could. There was some sort of glitch which I later found out was our DJ. He hadn’t followed up with me. He hadn’t followed up with Joey. I had tried to call him on Thursday. I tried to call him on Saturday. He said he would call back and never did. I was so frustrated. I walked Amanda through what I could remember and then hung up the phone. But my stressors were just beginning.

The Dress
The dress…oh…the dress. What a monster. It was so big. Too big. But there it was, hanging up, waiting for me. I put it on and thought to myself…wow. This is it. This is really happening. My step-mom walked in and I about lost it again. She and my mom had been there when we found the dress. She went to all the fittings. She was there the first time I tried on my dress, not the sample dress. I remember trying that on at Fantastic Finds. I couldn’t breath and started to panic. She kept telling me to calm down. And then the seamstress came into the fitting room. She said to give it a minute and the dress would relax. It did but I couldn’t walk in the thing. The seamstress and I struggled with the hem of the dress. It needed to be shortened but I didn’t want to look like one of those munchkins with the bell dresses. The problem was that when I walked and if I looked down at my feet, the front of the dress would dip down and I would trip forward. I practiced walking over and over. The seamstress said she fixed the issue but we needed to get a hoop to keep the dress off my legs. Christine ordered that, too.

Now, here we were on my wedding day. I put the dress on. It was gorgeous. It fit perfect. I tried to walk in it. Trip. Shit.

I couldn’t walk in it without picking up the front. No worries. I hadn’t put the hoop on, yet and the hoop helped.

The Flowers
Backstory—I screwed this up majorly. I kind of knew what I wanted all of us to carry. I wanted tulips. Everyone told me tulips were out of season by the end of May. I wouldn’t listen. There must be some out there…somewhere. Christine tried. She really did. She bought 100s of bulbs and waited to plant them. But they came up too soon or not at all. I gave up on having tulips as center pieces and agreed to a variety of spring flowers which we purchased 2 days before the wedding at Horrocks. They were beautiful. But what about the flowers the girls were to carry? And me, too?

I waited too long and just wasn’t as involved as I should have been. I felt caught between using the florist Joey’s mom works for or using the florist who has been a client of my mom’s for 100 years. Four months before the wedding, I sent an e-mail to Reta and Christine discussing flowers. Reta told me to set up a meeting with her employer. But I didn’t. I’m kicking myself now…and still but I didn’t do it.

Was it April 1 or May 1 when Joey and I finally rolled into my mom’s client’s flower shop? I can’t remember. I do remember the urgency. I showed the man pictures. We discussed colors and my style. He spit out names of flowers that sounded pretty but didn’t show me any pictures. I told him I wanted tulips. He said he would check on it but probably not. I showed him a picture of the cake and what we wanted as our cake top—just tulips. He said he could order tulips for the topper. Perfect. We discussed the mom’s corsages. He told me that typically mom’s want wrist corsages. I said I would call him back. I really thought we were on the same page. Dang.

I called him back a few days later and said I wanted wrist corsages. He said no luck on the tulips for my bouquets. I wanted roses instead. Why didn’t I look at the contract when he sent it to me? Why????

I was troubled. I wanted pink tulips for my bouquet. I never thought I would care about flowers but there I was…caring away. I sent some pictures of what I wanted to Joey. When he went in to the florist to pay our bill, he gave the pictures to the man we have been working with. Then, Joey insisted on pink tulips for me. Thank you, Lord, for Joey. Here are the pictures Joey showed them:

Fast forward to the wedding. The flowers arrived. I wanted to see them. Devon said we needed to keep them in the water longer but I wanted to see them. And it was time for our pictures to be taken. We went down to the lobby and I have a picture of me and these flowers.

I saw them. I wanted to throw up. I absolutely hated the flowers. They weren’t at all what we had discussed. They didn’t look anything like the pictures I showed the florist. I was so upset but I hid it…momentarily. My bouquet was fine. I really like the pink tulips. But it was on the large side and the flowers were put together in kind of a mess. It was the girl’s bouquets I was completely freaked about. I never, in a million years would have picked these flowers. And there was nothing I could do. And they gave the mom's the pin corsages, not the wrist. We went outside to get pictures taken. I whispered to Krissie “I hate your flowers. That wasn’t what I picked out.” Krissie, God love her, said, “which flowers do you hate? We’ll rip them out and put some of your tulips in there.” Another reason I love Krissie Krenz. Rebecca found out I hated the flowers and told Reta. Reta told me to let it go. It was too late to fix anything. I didn’t even want to look at the flowers. I wanted to focus on my upcoming walk down the aisle. Reta prayed for with me.

The time leading up to the wedding was full of visitors and prayers. Some of my favorite pictures were captured by Yi who shares my need to get memories recorded and preserved. Another reason I love Yi Sun. Devon came in and lined us up. My father took my arm but when I went to walk forward…trip. Oh no. The girls were now out of the room. My dad and I practiced walking but I kept tripping forward. I started to panic. Devon said it was time to go….

Busy Weekend

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so exhausted on Mondays.

Friday: RivRunners Carb dinner for 27 people in our almost finished basement. So much fun--seriously. I love the RivRunners. I love my friends. I love watching Jim and Joey wrestle on a the new hardwood flooring. I love drinking wine.

Saturday: Shared Pregnancy Center 5K. Perfect day for a race. We had a great show of runners and all of us did well. I took 2nd in women but no prize this year for me :o( Joey finally broke into the 22 minute category. My time was 26:35, the best time I've had this year.

We went to eat at McDonald's afterward and then Joey and I drove out to L-burg. My family is from L-burg. My grandparents built a golf course out there and part of the course is a nature trail dedicated to my grandfather, Edward Beavers. This trail had not been taken care of in years so my uncle asked the family to come help clean it up. Joey was supposed to have been out of town but thankfully, God knew I needed him there with me. I didn't really let on how emotional it was to be on the golf course, trying to preserve my grandfather's name...but it was. Just having my husband there was a relief.

After the trail and picnic area were cleared, we headed up to my aunt and uncle's house for my cousin's wife's surprise birthday party. Again, glad Joey was there.

Joey and I hung out at home for awhile and then we crashed a wedding reception. It was the sister of my best friend so yeah, we were invited but not until after dinner. We had so much fun but didn't avoid the drama of my ex-boyfriend's wife wanting to get to know me. Oh boy.

Sunday: Church was awesome. I just love it. Then there was RivKids. I love that even when it is challenging. Afterward, Joey dropped me off to spend time with Grandma. Then, we went home but Joey had to leave again to go paint a dentist office (side job). I spent the rest of the evening picking up from Friday night and doing dishes.

Monday: Riverview Staff Meeting/Retreat. Loved it. Got a great opportunity to learn about other ministries and get help with my own. I also loved being local for the day without the 2 hour drive. I got my grocery shopping done and we had a healthy dinner. I ended the night watching Joey and other Riv guys playing softball.

I need a vacation day to just sleep.

Family Olympian

Joey's cousin (and mine by marriage :o) throws javelin tonight at 10:30ish. Her name is Kim Kreiner and she is from Ohio (her dad and Joey's grandma are brother and sister). While it probably won't be televised, we are still happy for her to have made it to the Olympics. Throw far, Kim!

http://www.fresnobee.com/sports/story/768352.html

New Kid On The Block

I've been married for almost 3 months now. Yes, I'm the new kid on the block. It's so weird how God is using me and exposing me to the things of this world, the marriages of this world. God wanted me to know how He felt about divorce when He placed me in the BSF class. He also wanted me to fully understand the love He has for me--no matter what I do. Yesterday, I had conversations with people who are ripping love apart. I'm understanding more and more that love is not a feeling. It is an action. It is committment. Just like the song Joey and I danced to on our wedding day, love is something that we do. I pray for Jesus to be allowed into these failing relationships and marriages. I pray for Joey and I to stay and sprint after Him. Hold on tight.

I heard this song for the first time this morning. I want to share it with so many of my friends...

Love Is Not A Fight
by Warren Barfield

Love is not a place to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave; May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight but its something worth fighting for

Some love is a word that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave; May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight but its something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave; May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight but its something worth fighting for

Church Shopping

In my mid-20s, I felt a real need to belong to a church. I went to a children’s program at my mom’s church and yearned for this family friendly setting. I wanted to read the Bible but only made it through the first two books. I was seeking.

I went online and did a bunch of research on different religions. I wanted to know what fit me. Just like going into a clothing store and trying on a pair of jeans, I was trying on different religions. From the research, I created a survey and took it along with my boyfriend at the time. What did we each believe? Infant baptism? Purgatory? Confession? Dressing up or down? Were we Methodist? Presbytarian? Episcopal? Catholic? So many questions but I wanted a church that fit us.

I went to a Unitarian Church not knowing what it was all about. I felt confused by the woman’s message. She talked about many different religions from Buddha to Islam…my head was spinning. But I liked the message. Soon after that, I became friends with a Christian woman at work. She took me to her Pentecostal church. Loved the message but the tongue speaking and outward cries of emotion were too much for me.

I prayed often but I wasn’t sure if I should pray to God or Jesus. I didn’t consult God in any of my decisions. It was more, “crap, here’s what I did. Can you get me out of it?” or “this the way I’m moving…please make it happen the way I want it to.” I thought I was a Christian. And this whole time, Christ was pointing at me.

Finally, in February of 2003, I was brought to Riverview. Everyone knows I disliked Riv the first time I went. But by the second time, a change took place inside of me. My eyes were slowly opening. I didn’t try on Riverview. Christ met me there and said, “stop trying to define your own truth. Learn the real truth even if it hurts.” At times, it did hurt. The Lord pruned me, trimmed the rotten branches from my trees. But I stood there, knowing the truth for the first time. And what is this truth?

That if I constantly tried to define the truth for myself, the truth would always change as I change…and the truth would never be obtainable. God doesn’t change—ever. He is the truth.

The things in my life I thought were fine (sleeping with my boyfriend, getting drunk, smoking pot once in awhile, gossiping, rejecting the Lord) were all sins…but I was free from them. I didn’t have to do them anymore. It was like shedding old skin and stepping into something new.

God loved me even when I didn’t love me. He is faithful even when I’m not.

God wanted to change me, I didn’t have to change myself. I needed to come to Him broken because I could not fix me. Only He could.

When I pray, I should ask for His will. Ask, Seek, Knock. Pray for direction. Pray for the little things. Pray for the big things. Pray continuously.

Most importantly, I didn’t have to do anything but believe that Jesus took the consequences of all of my sins as he died on the cross. He paid for it, not me. I was free. And I loved Jesus. At first, it sounded freaky and weird but I loved Him. Just like when I was a child and one of my first words was Jesus, I was a child coming back to him after being gone for so, so long. Rebelling, living for myself, living outside of the good things Christ wanted for me.

The truth. I didn’t shop for Riverview. It wasn’t even part of my “which religion are you” survey. How perfect Lord’s plan is! He pointed me to a church I would never have considered. If I had found out up front some of the biblical beliefs of this church, I would have walked away. It was truth I didn’t understand, yet because I didn’t have the mind of Christ. I didn’t think like Him or act like Him…yet. And I didn’t have the HS (holy spirit) to understand, yet. I would have initially left but instead, I stayed. I planted myself and grew. I accepted and even died to some things I didn’t like or agree with. I was even thanked for staying at Riv even though I didn’t agree with 100% of everything they were teaching. The things I didn’t agree on weren’t deal breakers for me, though. So I stayed. And I continue to stay. Inside this church was something I didn’t expect but certainly saved my life.

Glory

Glory was the name of the first My Little Pony given to me. I loved her. She was different because she was a unicorn. I also loved the shooting star tattooed on her butt. She made numerous visits to Olivet Elementary School, taking a tumble down the slide and dropped often in the dirt.

Glory. She is buried in my mom’s basement somewhere now. Her white plastic skin is dirtied from her visits to multiple playgrounds and spending years in the basement. The last time I saw her, she was actually turning yellow. And I still hang on to her as if I would lose my childhood memories if she were to end up in the trash. Yuck. It makes me sick to think of parting with all of the toys I still have.

Glory…I use that word a lot. I use it when I remind myself and others to glorify the Lord. Chuck Hill asked me an interesting question last weekend: what does it mean to glorify God?

Well, that’s simple…except in that moment there was no way I could explain it. He pointed out it is a term Christians throw around a lot but cannot actually define. So, I went to Dictionary.com to find out about this word glory.

Glory
1.
very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent; renown: to win glory on the field of battle.

2.
something that is a source of honor, fame, or admiration; a distinguished ornament or an object of pride: a sonnet that is one of the glories of English poetry.

3.
adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving: Give glory to God.

4.
resplendent beauty or magnificence: the glory of autumn.

5.
a state of great splendor, magnificence, or prosperity.

6.
a state of absolute happiness, gratification, contentment, etc.: She was in her glory when her horse won the Derby.

7.
the splendor and bliss of heaven; heaven.

8.
a ring, circle, or surrounding radiance of light represented about the head or the whole figure of a sacred person, as Christ or a saint; a halo, nimbus, or aureole.

Chuck also offered an analogy. He said, “think of Denny, Joey’s father. Denny is at the store or somewhere running an errand and he runs into someone he knows. ‘Hey! I saw your son the other day. He was mowing the lawn for my elderly neighbor.’ Denny smiles proudly, thinking of his son who has grown into a servant of all people.”

Bringing glory does not equal doing work to please the Lord. Just as easily, the person could have told Joey’s father that he had been at a party where there was a bunch of disorderly conduct, debauchery, drunkenness, etc. but Joey didn’t take a part in any of this…because Joey didn’t want to bring shame to his father’s name.

I have more thoughts on this topic of glory but my point is that I want to understand it instead of just saying it. Joey and I often say to each “remember your reputation is not your own.” The people who know I follow Christ might have some serious questions if I was shacking up with my boyfriend, doing drugs, slandering my neighbor. Instead, I want their question to be “why don’t you do these things?” (keep in mind I still struggle in a very human way).

Because of God. I want to bring glory (honor, praise, thanksgiving, magnificence, splendor) to my Lord. It is not always easy to keep this top of mind but it is there in everything I do. Even when I sin, turn my back on what I knowingly should do, the presence of God (Holy Spirit) is on my mind. My purpose is to glorify the Lord, blame Him for the good things.

Unitarian

I heard about the church shooting this morning and was horrified once again. I was also horrified to find out the "church" was a Unitarian Universalist church. Please don't misunderstand me. The tragedy is horrifc. It makes me shudder to think we aren't safe anywhere. Aside from that, I wanted to know more about Unitarian Universalists. This is what I found on the website:

What do Unitarian Universalists believe?
WE BELIEVE in the freedom of religious expression. All individuals should be encouraged to develop their own personal theologies, and to present openly their religious opinions without fear of censure or reprisal.
WE BELIEVE in the tolerance of religious ideas. All religions, in every age and culture, possess not only intrinsic merit, but also potential value for those who have learned the art of listening.
WE BELIEVE in the authority of reason and conscience. The ultimate arbiter in religion is not a church, nor a document, nor an official, but the personal choice and decision of the individual.
WE BELIEVE in the never-ending search for Truth. If the mind and heart are truly free and open, the revelations that appear to the human spirit are infinitely numerous, eternally fruitful, and wondrously exciting.
WE BELIEVE in the unity of experience. There is no fundamental conflict between faith and knowledge, religion and the world, the sacred and the secular, since they all have their source in the same reality.
WE BELIEVE in the worth and dignity of each human being. All people on earth have an equal claim to life, liberty, and justice-and no idea, ideal, or philosophy is superior to a single human life.
WE BELIEVE in the ethical application of religion. Good works are the natural product of a good faith, the evidence of an inner grace that finds completion in social and community involvement.

Coming off the Mountain Top

When I stepped off the plane, home from my mission trip, I wanted a Vernor's....really bad. I felt sick from the plane ride. Yes, those were my thoughts when we finally touched down in Detroit from Germany. The car ride was surreal after being away for 10 days in a foreign country. I was glad to be back home but my heart was focused on Christ and the time I had spent doing His work. I wanted to go back to Germany and continue to reach people for Christ.

I learned about Mountain Top Experiences in BSF this past year. The term comes from the Bible and here is the mountain Peter was on--

Matthew 17
The Transfiguration
1After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. 2There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. 3Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.

4Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah."

Can you imagine? Put yourself in Peter’s place. You have been listening and following Jesus for awhile now. You have this feeling about him…like Jesus might be the real deal. Still, you don’t fully understand. Then, Jesus takes you to the top of a mountain and changes right before your eyes. Crazy stuff like his face is radiating light and he becomes completely white. And if that isn’t enough to make you crap yourself, Moses and Elijah are suddenly there. But now you are surely crapping yourself because you actually hear the voice of God!

5While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!"

Peter didn’t want to leave. He was in the perfect place, hanging with his buddies John and James but also surrounded by Moses, Elijah, Jesus and God. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay there with them in that way forever. He was willing to build them shelters (I smile at Peter’s naive excitement--so much like me).

6When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. 7But Jesus came and touched them. "Get up," he said. "Don't be afraid." 8When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus.

9As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus instructed them, "Don't tell anyone what you have seen, until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead."

So the answer to Peter’s suggestion of staying on the mountain was no. Peter couldn’t stay there. He followed Jesus back down the mountain and they met a desperate father.

The Healing of a Boy With a Demon

14When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15"Lord, have mercy on my son," he said. "He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him."

17"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me." 18Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment.

19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."[a]

I’m not sure why the disciples didn’t believe they could heal the boy but that has nothing to do with this blog entry. Here is my point. The Lord led the group up the mountain. He revealed to them his authority and spiritual realm. He showed them Moses and Elijah…even God showed up. It was a mountain top experience and they wanted to stay there forever. The peace, the miracles, the absolute awesomeness of the entire situation—I would have wanted to stay, too. But no. Jesus brought them back down. And what was the first thing they did when they returned? Served others. Healed a boy.

When I came back from my mission trip, I immediately wanted to go on another one. I wanted to stay in those moments surrounded by the Holy Spirit, feeling Jesus so strongly, walking with Him and being consumed by the need to share Him with others. But I had to come home.

A month after I was home, Dan Price did a teaching on being a missionary. He discussed all the different mission trips Riverview supports and sends people out on. He then said something I needed to hear. He said the same thing Peter needed to hear from Jesus. No matter where you are, you are on mission. At work, at home, at the store, at a football game, at school, at a concert, at the bar, at the park, running a 5K….you are on a mission. Now, this does not mean you outcast yourself by constantly talking about Christ to everyone around you (that doesn’t go over so well). What it does mean is you serve the people in your life or the people you meet for a brief moment. Holding the door for a woman with a stroller, helping out at the Shared Pregnancy Center, listening to a pre-Christian friend cry about her live-in boyfriend…serving others in a million different ways and praying God gives you the opportunity to share Christ with them. Serving along with living your life as an example—on a mission.

A friend of mine went on his first mission trip somewhere in Europe. He was so moved by what he saw and the mountain top experience was so awesome that he wanted to quit his job to go back to the country to serve them. But God doesn’t necessarily want us to quit our jobs and move to where the mountain top experience occurred. He calls some of us to do that but not all of us. He gives us the mountain top experiences so that we can go back down the mountain to serve others. It’s like he fills us up so we have enough spiritual fuel to go on down here in the trenches, where he needs us as well. My friend who was going to give up his job and move to Europe prayed about the decision. He didn’t make a quick move but waited on the Lord. The day he realized God wanted him to stay put was the day he took his future wife on their first date.

God gives us mission trips, Christian conferences, teachings on Saturday night and Sunday mornings, spiritual retreats and so on to charge us but we can’t always stay there. These are magical moments, glimpses inside heaven and they keep us going in order to serve, teach, march forward until the next mountain top experience.

Your Base

So...I had another thought today while talking to my husband. We were talking about active waiting (see below) and then we switched to our friends who always seem to be distracted by the negativity going on their lives. Sounds a lot like me. I mean, I go through it, too where I just don't feel happy. I have a friend, though, who is constantly depressed. He has contemplated suicide because he feels so uncomfortable in his own skin. He doesn't like his past, he doesn't like where he is now, either. It's like he wallows in this self-destructive thinking--all the time--and....he's a Christian. He loves Jesus. He is saved. So....why feel this way?

I have another friend struggling with a broken relationship. He described everything wrong with his life. As he talked, I thought of something Mr. Rogers mom used to tell him. When he was a boy, he would get so traumatized by world events. His mom told him to look for the good in the situation. Look for the miracles. Look for the heroes. Look for God in it.

Today was a crappy day at work. A sales person yelled at me in front of my supervisor. I had a $50 billing error. Someone was questioning another billing spreadsheet. I had programs getting ready to print but I didn't have the materials. I barely got a lunch in. I began to be pulled down and started responding to my circumstances with emotion.

And then...on cubicle wall...I saw the promises of God.

In Christ I have…
An acceptance that can never be questioned. Ephesians 1:6
A nearness to God that can never be reversed. Ephesians 2:13
An inheritance that can never be lost. 1 Peter 1:3-5
A righteousness that can never be tarnished. 2 Corinthians 5:21
A grace that can never be limited. 2 Corinthians 12:9
A salvation that can never be canceled. Hebrews 5:9
A joy that need never be diminished. John 15:11
A peace that can never be disturbed. John 14:27

I can't pick my circumstances but I can choose my response. I need to think before I react, too. I could have been sucked down into the mucky self-pity swamp but I got back to my base.

Wrestlers start on their feet. Eventually one of them is in the down position. As he fights for his life (or to stay off his back), the coaches yell "get back to your base!" The wrestler tries to back to that basic position of being on all fours because from that position it is easier to stand up (and your less likly to go to your back).

Get back to your base. Remember God's promises. Remember what Jesus died for--your sin. When we wallow in it all, we sometimes negate what Christ did on the cross. We need to stop trying to pay for something already purchased.

Lots of things to think about during that two hours a day of driving....

Active Waiting

"So...what do you want me to do? Just sit around and wait while you make up your mind? Do you expect me to just tap my fingers and stare at a blank wall while you make a decision??? Yeah...wait around for you...sure..."

I've said that before. I've heard others in my life say the same thing. Waiting = doing nothing

I was listening to a Christian program on the radio yesterday. They were talking about active waiting. They didn't call it active waiting but that's what it was.

You don't sit around doing nothing. You get on your knees and stay there, praying and asking God for wisdom. You get in the Word and you stay there, seeking the Lord's will.

Waiting = Praying
Waiting = Reading
Waiting = Listening
Waiting = Seeking council

The Peacful Day Before cont.

I pulled my car into the Ponderosa parking lot and stopped alongside the row of trees next to the freeway. I was in a daze as Devon talked. We were both torn between shock, grief, and excitement for Susan. Honestly….and yes, I’m going to divulge this information about myself to be honest…but I honestly had a part of me that thought, “my wedding is ruined.” It was ruined because the sky didn’t seem as blue. Ruined because I didn’t feel smiley anymore. Ruined because my pastors and friends were grief-stricken. Ruined because Noah’s mommy was gone and Joel’s best friend…gone.

As I began pulling up a chair to the pity party in my head, I heard Devon say, “Holly, this should not effect your wedding. Susan’s life is a celebration and your wedding is a celebration as well.” I hung up with Devon and called Jenny. As we discussed what had happened, I felt I needed to see Joey as soon as possible. I called him next. He was confused because we had decided not to have contact with each other until the wedding. Just hearing his voice made me miss him so much more. We hung up as I walked into my mom’s work for my appointment. Words began to slip out of my mouth and it seemed unreal to me. I lay down in the chair to get my eyebrow’s waxed and tears streamed down my face. I’m not sure if my mom thought it was from the waxing or if she knew. She didn’t really say. She just wiped them as they fell.

Now, I was really thinking about Noah, Susan’s two-year-old. I saw them two weeks before then. It was after the 11:30 service and Susan was sitting in the front row of church with Noah. Dan was playing the guitar while Noah clapped his hands. We made some small talk but nothing I can remember. I do remember her face and that she was wearing a brown jacket of some kind. I remember that because of her huge brown eyes. My memory took me back to the days when I first met her…probably in 2004 when she took over Suzanne’s position in RivKids. Susan and I seemed to have a similar sense of humor at times. I remembered when she was pregnant. I remembered when Joel, her husband, joined RivRunners e-mailing list but never showed up to the runs until about two months ago. I remembered Joel and I laughing about it, how he had been one of the first members but it took two more years for his schedule to clear. I also remember when Susan talked about her past to the entire church. I e-mailed her that week to thank her for coming forward but I used the Susan@eriv.net. Again-ha, ha because a different Susan using that e-mail address now, e-mailed me back. I never followed through.

My mom finished my brows and my phone rang. It was Joey. Before I could pick up the phone, I totally lost it. I handed the phone to my mom who explained to Joey that I couldn’t talk—literally. I left the salon and headed toward East Lansing to complete an errand. I called Joey’s mom, Reta, to make sure she brought her grandparents’ place setting for the wedding communion. But again, I could barely speak. “Where are you, honey?” She asked. I looked around me…feeling lost in my own town.

“Riverview,” I managed to say.
“Pull into the parking lot. I’m coming to get you.” So, I did. I grabbed my Bible and sat on the grass sobbing hysterically. Not a soul was near. Just me and God. I cried to Him and read from Matthew. I can’t ever remember what I read now. Reta picked me up but I couldn’t get a grip. Thoughts of Susan, Joel and Noah just kept running through my head. And her friends…who were my friends…and her pastor who is my pastor….the Savior we share…

Reta drove me to Pruess’ Pet store. I wanted to buy Joey a Plecostomus for his fish tank as his had died a few days before. I got overwhelmed and we ended up getting him a gift card. Joey called while we ran our next errand. He told his mom he had looked everywhere for the DVD burner. Now he remembered where it was. Reta turned to me and said, “I have good news…and some bad news. But in light of everything going on, it really isn’t that bad.”
“Okay,” I responded. I had calmed down enough and actually felt peaceful.
“The good news is we know where the DVD burner is but that’s where the bad news starts. It was in the basket of stuff Junior had brought to Charlar Place which must have been pushed under a table.”
“Oh no…”
“And the owner of Charlar Place is up north for the rest of the weekend.”
“Oh…..no…..”
We devised a plan to go to Best Buy and purchase another DVD burner. In the meantime, Peter would bring his Mac over to my mom’s in about an hour to see if we could transfer the files and burn it on Peter’s laptop. But when I looked for my wallet, it wasn’t in my purse. I had figured that out at Pruess’ but now…what was I going to do? Reta didn’t have her debit card or checkbook.
“Let’s go to my parent’s house,” I said.

This is where I will probably get a little mushy. I mean, everything that was happening that day was like one attack after another. I didn’t intend on being a bridezilla but my stress level was out of control. I had cried out to the Lord in the Riverview parking lot. Immediately, He sent help from all sides to calm my fears and be on attack instead of under attack.

Christine immediately gave me the money I needed to purchase the DVD burner. I barely finished my sentence on why I needed the money and it was in my hand. I’m so thankful to her.

My cousin Michael was on the phone helping me pick out a DVD burner compatible with a Mac to make sure I got the right one.

Peter was at my mom’s house when he should have been mountain biking with Joey. As we waited (forever it felt like) for the files to transfer, we had a chance to talk. He told me that Jim Lenon was ready to step in to take Dan’s place on the guitar if needed. Jim had even been practicing that afternoon just in case. Then, Joey called Peter and said that Noel (our pastor) had just called. Noel said they were taking this day to mourn but tonight (for Sean and Mikenna) and tomorrow (me and Joey) would be celebrations. Everything was going to be okay. On top of that, I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for Joey and I. Even when these people were hurting, too, at the same time they were mourning their friend, they would celebrate our marriage. And the friends in our circle…words can’t possibly express enough gratitude and love.

I felt safe and an armor of protection surrounded me.

Peter left with the files and headed to Joey’s. I headed to my mom’s room and took a shower. I decided to text message Suzanne to tell her I was praying for her (Susan and Suzanne were very close). But I had to pass Susan Haist’s name in my cell phone. I didn’t even realize I had her number…but of course I did because of RivKids. I felt exhausted and laid down on my mom’s bed.

I woke up feeling totally alone. I wanted out of that dark room and I wanted my girlfriends. I met Jenny and Yi at Joey’s, burned some music CDs and grabbed the last DVD, completed by Peter. It was done. The last DVD was finally done.

We went to church. It was the 6:30ish service. Randi-Kay was standing near the back. I hugged her tight and we talked about Susan. Randi-Kay imparted so much wisdom on me I was amazed. She’s been a Christian for a year and a half and God is using her. While I talked to RK and to Monaca who had joined us, I realized I could be happy. It wasn’t disrespectful to Susan to be happy about my upcoming wedding day. The shadow I felt had been following me around all day and clouding the most exciting event of my life thus far was NOT Susan. Susan was a light for the world. She was bright and funny and loved the Lord. That cloud around me lifted and I joined my friends in the third row. I sobbed as I sang the songs and smiled at God when James Granger read the verse I had read earlier in the day whiled crying in the Riv parking lot for Susan. Dang….I love God.

After the service, we were allowed to go into the new auditorium and write on the floors before they were carpeted on Tuesday. I picked a spot in the middle and wrote this...

Joseph and Holly Corr 5/25/08 ~Praying for our pre-Christian friends and for those lost (crossed out) Found!

Yi, Jenny and I drove to the Kellogg Center and met up with Becky in the ramp. As we walked to the front desk, I saw my aunt Ginny and her family. I felt so full of love and excitement. They were here for me. Me! ME?!?! I really was getting married in less than 24 hours. Wow.

The girls and I went to dinner at the State Room. We drank wine, ate pasta and laughed. It felt so good to smile and laugh with them. My priorities were totally in check. I had been so nervous the day before and earlier in the morning that my throat felt like it was squeezing shut. That feeling had been replaced with grief, confusion and God forced me to check myself.

Self checked.

I was marrying my best friend in just about 12 hours. And here I was with some of my best friends. We struggled to get the bed out of the couch.....

and I sighed peacefully as Yi and I got into the King bed of the suite. My prayer that night went something like, “Dear Heavenly Father…ummm...I'm getting married tomorrow....”

…and then I was asleep. What a day.

The Peaceful Day Before

May 24—Saturday
I got up early and decided to finish the last DVD so it would be out of the way. While my aunt sat at one end of the table on her laptop, I sat next to her completing it. It was my last big worry. Now, a word about the DVDs. I keep mentioning them and it might be confusing so let me break it down. I made the following DVDs
**One for the Memorial which would be shown at the beginning of the wedding ceremony.
**One for our parents which was a gift to them from us and was shown at the rehearsal dinner.
** One for our friends/wedding party which was a gift to them from us and was shown at the rehearsal dinner.
**One of Joey and I growing up which was to be shown at the wedding reception, just before we danced. This was the one I put the most work into.

I finished the IMovie up but I needed to burn it to disk. Looking through my computer stuff, I realized I didn’t have the DVD burner. Grrrrrr. I must have left it at Joey’s which meant I had to go over there after RivRunners. Oh well. I knew he was golfing with Ben and Nick so I wasn’t going to run into him.

I left my mom’s house and headed to Riverview for RivRunners. It was 8:50ish. I remember thinking how blue the sky was and I was so smiley. The RivRunners gathered near our start line in the parking lot. I was laying on the pavement stretching and jumped up to walk toward Jamie Lenon. No sooner had I done that and a bird flew over and dropped some poo exactly where I had just been. We all laughed at my fortune. Hopefully, the rest of my day would be like this—bird poo free. Mike prayed and we ran. I ran with Tera, a new girl. She pushed me to run hard and I did a fairly good job of keeping up. Afterwards, Todd tried to get everyone to go out to breakfast but I needed to go to Joey’s. On my way there, I thought about what I needed to finish up before the wedding:
Eyebrows waxed
Gift for Joey
DVD!!!! I would have time later to burn it.

When I got to Joey’s, I couldn’t find the burner anywhere. I asked Junior and he didn’t seem to know. He called Joey and asked him. Joey said the burner was in his trunk. Crap. We arranged for me to pick it up later somehow. I decided to just take a shower there and then run some errands before my appointment with my mom at 11:00. While I was in the shower, I thought back to the rehearsal and how much I didn’t like the way the bridesmaids and groomsmen were standing. As you can tell, my mind was going 100 miles a minute. I got in the car and left.

For those of you who didn’t know this (the few readers who actually view this blog know it but I’m just going to explain anyhow), there was another Riv wedding that day at a golf course somewhere. Noel was to perform half the ceremony and Devon was in the wedding. A lot of our friends were attending that wedding, too (Jim Lenon was the bartender). As I neared Cedar Street heading east on Willoughby near Kroger (details, details), I decided to just call Devon. I prayed I would get Devon’s voicemail because I didn’t want to bother her with this trite request. But I didn’t. Thank you, Lord, I didn’t.

Justin (Devon’s husband) answered the phone. He explained Devon was just getting out of the shower but to hold on. I was in the left turn lane, blinker on, waiting for the light to turn green so I could head north on Cedar street.

“Holly,” Devon said, “how are you doing?”
“I’m fine but I just wanted to ask you a question.”
“Okay,” she said, “did someone call you this morning?”
My heart began to pound. Oh know. Something’s wrong. I could just sense it. I started making the turn onto Cedar.
“No…why?”
“Oh, Holly….I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this…”
So many things went through my head. I thought something had happened to Noel or Dan. Maybe the church burned down or they lost the music for my wedding. No, I was just at the church. It was fine. What then? What--
“Holly…Susan Haist passed away this morning.”

My wedding continued...REVISED!!!!

The Week Before
Work sucked. It was so stressful and busy. I cried a lot. I knew I wouldn’t make it all the way through Tuesday. I needed to be back in Lansing. So I took a half day on Tuesday, packed up the rest of my stuff from the apartment and headed home—my new home. I went to Joey’s and worked on the DVDs. Joey’s sister came over and we showed her the memorial DVD. I spent the night in the spare room (my new room!).

Wednesday, May 21 --REVISED
I can hardly believe I forgot to write this part of the story.

Tuesday night after Joey and I went shopping for our bridal party, we stopped by my mom’s to pick up some stuff.

“Did Chuck move Grandma’s trailer, yet?” I asked. I dreaded the answer. The update to my grandma falling ill in January was that she had to move to a home. We found a nice one for her on Keller Road in Holt but now we weren’t sure what to do about the trailer. I loved my grandma’s trailer. It was more of a modular home, pretty clean, sunshiny, happy and full of everything she loved. I took it for granted that she would always live there. It was painful to move her into a home when she wanted so desperately to be in her trailer. She decided that my uncle Chuck would buy the trailer and move it up to his hunting property in Mecosta. Chuck agreed but it had been months. Every week he would tell my mom, “we are moving the trailer this Tuesday.”

Since it was Tuesday, I had decided to ask my mom for an update on the trailer.

“No, he hasn’t moved it. Who knows if he really will.” I was satisfied with the response. So much was changing in my life and I longed for at least one thing to stay the same.

Wednesday I woke up, cleaned, unpacked and worked on the DVDs. I had a schedule I wanted to follow:
10:00 – pick up marriage license from Mason Courthouse
11:00 – go to Riverview to test the Memorial DVD and give them my wedding music
12:00 – appointment at my mom’s work (can’t remember what that was all about)

I couldn’t get something to work for me correctly and ended up spending more time at Joey’s then anticipated. Now, I was grumpy from lack of sleep, increase in stress and wanting to stick to my schedule. I was on my way to Mason and decided to take Eifert to Columbia. I spoke to my step-brother briefly and then my attitude started to change. I felt uplifted, hopeful, happy, excited. Things were going well…until I approached the trailer park my grandma had lived in. I suddenly felt a little sad and empty. I missed having her live there. And then….well….then my attention turned to the truck slowly pulling out in front of me and the semi truck behind it…hauling a trailer that looked just like my grandmother’s. No. flippin. way.

I caught the house number on the side of the trailer as I passed it, trying to maneuver around the truck. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to throw up. I called my mom.

“Mom….what is grandma’s address?”
“218 Maple Run.”
It was her trailer. I lost my grip and sobbed as I explained to my mom that I had just passed the movers taking her trailer away. My mom was awesome as she said, “I’m so sorry you had to see that, baby. Just remember she is still with us and be thankful.”

By the time I got to the courthouse, I had at least stopped crying but I was still stifling the sobs inside me. I asked the lady behind the desk for the marriage certificate and she had me review it to make sure it was correct. I started crying AGAIN as I read my name with Joey’s name.

I was a mess. Plain and simply complicated. An emotional wreck. Dang.

I went to the church and saw Steve which cheered me. Then, I watched our memorial DVD on the big screen at Riv. Almost lost it again but was able to pull myself together.

I searched for presents for the bridesmaids. I had their spa robes but wanted to get them jewelry. After months of looking for a necklace, I couldn’t find anything. But at Target, with Joey, I found a couple of options. I needed to go to the Target on the west side.

Thursday, May 22
Got up, unpacked some more, cleaned, worked on DVDs, met up with Christine at Target on the west side. Christine and I tried on several different necklace combinations and decided on the one I wasn’t too sure about—the original one Joey had suggested the night before. I bought all the store had but needed a few more. Back to the list of stuff I did. I stopped at the bank to get the check for Kellogg Center, went to Horrocks to pick out flowers for the reception, went to Elderly Music, went to Kellogg Center, met with Pam, finalized numbers, went to cake place, showed them a picture of the cake one last time, called the DJ and left a message asking if I could meet with him again, went to Target and bought slippers for the girls along with necklaces and then got a call from Kelly saying she was on her way to the dress place to get her bridesmaid dress. (Deep breath) Went to Kohl’s to kill time, met Kelly at the Wedding Bell, tried on her dress (it just needed to be hemmed), went to the alterations place, called a whole bunch of people telling them to meet us at Texas Roadhouse at 6:30, hung out at the mall, she followed me to Joey’s, Nick met up with us and then we ate dinner at TR’s. Wow. I was soooo tired after that. But there was still work to do. And can you believe Yi and Jenny came over to help us with our escort cards and seating arrangements? Of course you can because they are AWESOME. I finished up the two of the DVDs (the ones I needed to finish) and then went to bed.

Friday, May 23
Woke up with a splitting headache. Finished copying the Friends and Parents DVD. Worked on the Joey and Holly DVD needed for the reception. I received a phone call from Douggie J’s. They had to cancel my pedicure and reschedule. “Are you kidding me?” I said. I explained how I was getting married in two days and they needed to do something to fix this situation. I have to admit, I wasn’t being Christ like. I was upset. Not even angry. Just disappointed and upset. Bobby came into the dining room and asked if I was okay. “No, I’m not. I’m overwhelmed and getting upset about stuff I shouldn’t be getting upset about. This isn’t really that important.” “You know what, Holl,” Bobby said, “I hate it when people say that because it is important. It’s important to you. Don’t discount that.” I was blown away by his advice and comforting words. I love Bobby D.

Douggie J’s called back and had found someone to do my nails and pedicure at the same time. Unfortunately, my other bridesmaids had their appointments changed. I found out later it was for another wedding party. I was now at migraine status and had to lay down. Joey came home for lunch and tried to help. I slept. I knew I had a nail appointment at 1:30 so I took my time getting ready. Jenny called. Douggie J’s called. My appointment had been for 12:45. It was 1:00. Dang. How could I have forgotten? Looking back, it’s no wonder.

Jenny, being the awesome person she is, switched my appointments around and I still got my nails and pedicure. I had dreamed of Jenny, Yi and I getting them all done at the same time but oh well. Let it go. I got back to Joey’s and we finished putting the gift packages together. I had meant to go to Charlar Place (where the rehearsal dinner was being held) to make sure the DVDs would work but never got the chance. Joey loaded the car and we left for Riverview.

It was surreal walking into the church and rehearsing for my wedding. I still didn’t feel like it was really happening to me. Me? ME!?! After some minor drama I won’t mention, the rehearsal was under way. As a joke, I had Kristie play the theme from Leave It To Beaver when my dad and I walked down the aisle. It went over well but poor dad thought I was really going to walk down to that song. Because of our large bridal party, the attendants had to stand on three rows, staggered. I didn’t like it at all but forgot to tell Devon, the wedding coordinator. At the end of the rehearsal, Noel pulled all of us together and I smiled as I looked around the room. These were my bestest, closest friends and family in one room at the same time at Riverview, my favorite place in the world. I took it all in and just smiled.

We had fun at the dinner. The food was so good. My aunt presented a gift to Joey and I from herself and grandma. It was a blanket my grandma had started long ago and my aunt finished for us. We were all in tears as my aunt presented us with the blanket.

Sometime during the dinner we realized the DVD was not going to work with the equipment provided by Charlar Place. I could have kicked myself for not checking ahead of time. I just had this feeling…. We had also forgotten to put Lyndsay’s gift in the car. Junior stepped up and drove back home. He grabbed all the computer stuff on the dining room and put it in a clothes basket. Somehow, everything worked out and we were able to view the DVDs (though the quality was crappy).

There were laughs and tears as we gave everyone their gifts. I realized just how great Joey is at public speaking and how maybe I struggle with it. He is smooth in his presentation and I am a little choppy. Still, we had fun. The best was when I called all of my parents up front. I had no clue what I was going to say and it just came out: guess who goes with who? So my step-dad pulled my step-mom toward him and my parents stood together. I was rolling. Then I said, “wait, I thought it was like this….” I put my two moms and dads next to each other. We were all laughing.

Kelly gave me a check I had written her in like 1996 or something crazy like that. So cool.

After everything was done, myself, Joey, Junior, Peter, Jenny and Yi headed over to Joey’s. We picked up the house and drank some wine. I said good-bye to Joey and said we would talk in two days. I then left and drove to my mom’s. Because my aunt was in town, I slept in bed with my mom. I fell asleep knowing I was smack in the middle of change. Little did I know…