Go Green

Since the age of four, my father has been bringing me to the Michigan State home football games. I went through a stage where I hated it, feeling cold, bored and bratty about the whole thing. I looked forward to watching Zeike the wonder dog and eating caramel popcorn. When I was in 6th grade, I began to pay attention to the game, memorized the roster and stalked some of my favorite players. After high school, I still came to some of the games. In fact...and this is embarrassing...I cried my way into the stadium when I was a junior at CMU. I was late getting to the game...Nick Saban's first as the coach...and my dad had already gone in. I explained to the security guard that if he allowed me to go to my dad's seat, my dad would have a ticket I could show. When I was told no, I began to cry. Security became embarrassed and escorted me to my dad's section (117). When we got there, he told me just to go...no need to get the ticket. Good thing because I think my dad had sold it.

You can read another story about my exploits at MSU online. I was not portrayed correctly. The shoes weren't leather. They were from Payless. And I looked cute so...so what. Yet, this article is a reminder as to why I don't over tailgate (that and the whole "not giving God glory" thing).

A lot has changed over the years but you can usually find my father and step-mom in the same tailgating spot they've been in since the early 80s, under a tree, next to the Red Cedar, across from the stadium. The perfect spot to eat sandwiches, toss the ball around and watch the band go through.

Anyhow, here is a recap of the Michigan State vs. Michigan games I remember. I didn't write these (I did write the stuff in green).

Oct. 10, 1987 MSU 17, Michigan 11 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium (77,424) Michigan State ended 18 years of frustration with its first victory over Michigan at Spartan Stadium since 1969. The determined Spartans of coach George Perles were led by their All-America running back Lorenzo White, who rushed for 185 yards on 34 carries and scored both of State's touchdowns. The MSU defense shut down Michigan's running game and thwarted the Wolverines' passing attack by intercepting seven passes, three by defensive back John Miller. The Spartans continued their winning ways and went on to capture the conference championship. This was one of the games that allowed us to go to the Rose Bowl. I still have my ticket stub.

Oct. 13, 1990 MSU 28, Michigan 27 at Ann Arbor, Michigan Stadium (106,188) This was probably the most incredible game ever played in the long, colorful history of the Michigan-Michigan State series. The contest featured everything -- drama, excitement and controversy. Twice Michigan led, twice MSU led and four times the game was tied. After Highland Hickson's second touchdown gave the Spartans a 21-14 lead in the fourth quarter, the Wolverines' Desmond Howard struck like lightning and scored on an electrifying 95-yard kickoff return to tie things up. The Spartans came right back and Tico Duckett gave them a 28-21 lead with less than two minutes remaining. Michigan made one last charge and narrowed the margin to a point on a seven-yard touchdown pass from Elvis Grbac to Derrick Alexander with six seconds left in the game. The Wolverines elected to go for a two-point conversion and the win. Grbac threw to Howard in the end zone who was tripped and dropped the pass as he hit the ground. No pass interference was called and Michigan State had an upset victory over Michigan, which was ranked No. 1 heading into the game. I didn't attend this game but I remember talking to Eddie brown about it. He was the guy who "tripped" Desmond Howard. I congratulated him on the win and he smiled.

Oct. 9, 1999 MSU 34, Michigan 31 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium (76,895) On a sunny afternoon at East Lansing, Michigan State defeated Michigan in a wild duel between quarterbacks Bill Burke of State and Tom Brady of Michigan. The Spartans dominated the first three quarters, and held what appeared to be a commanding 27-10 lead. But the Wolverines rallied with three fourth quarter touchdowns to pull within three points with two minutes remaining. State then recovered an on-side kick and ran out the clock. On the day, Burke hit 21 of 30 passes for 400 yards and two touchdowns. Wide receiver Plaxico Burress had a field day for the Spartans, hauling in 10 of Burke's passes for 255 yards. Brady completed 31 of 40 passes for 285 yards, most of which came during Michigan's furious final period comeback attempt. I think I was at this game...but I actually don't remember.

2002 MSU 26, Michigan 24 at East Lansing, Spartan Stadium. T.J. Duckett had a 230-yard day against No. 6 Michigan: The final 2 were all that mattered. Jeff Smoker, scrambling and off-balance, lobbed a 2-yard touchdown pass to Duckett on the last play of the game as Michigan State beat Michigan 26-24 on Saturday, likely ending the Wolverines chances of playing in the Rose Bowl for the national championship. Duckett, who ran for 211 yards and added 19 receiving yards, found an opening in a crowded end zone, just beyond a couple leaping Wolverines. And Smoker spotted him in the nick of time. "I was jumping up and down in the end zone, waving my arms," Duckett said. "It's a big win for our program." After the catch, Duckett was swarmed in the end zone by his celebrating teammates in front of a cheering student section. There was no extra point attempt, and officials did not immediately explain why. There were seven lead changes between the Spartans (5-2, 3-2 Big Ten) and Wolverines (6-2, 4-1) and neither team led by more than seven points. Michigan State, with one time out left, started the winning drive at Michigan's 43 with 2:09 left. On a fourth-and-16 from the 50, an incomplete pass turned into a first down for Michigan State when cornerback Jeremy LeSueur was called for a personal foul for making contact with receiver Charles Rogers' face mask. Later, Michigan was flagged for having too many players on the field, which gave the Spartans a second-and-4 at the 12. All of my friends drove in to town for this game. We watched it at the Spartan Sports Den. It was too much fun.

And yes. I remember the heartbreak of last year. This year...I won't be at the game but my pops and I are going out to tailgate and make sure we get down to the river in time for the bands...some things don't change and I like it that way.

Grandma

I had to write this about my grandmother. One year ago today, at approximately 10:30ish a.m., she slipped away from earth. I miss her terribly and sometimes I still get a little angry when I think of her dying. It was peaceful but she fought it. She wanted to live until she was 100 so she could get a letter from the president. Everything was going fine until her heart was broken. Don, her boyfriend, was suddenly and without any warning, transferred to another retirement facility. His family didn't tell him or my grandma. They just up and moved him while he was eating lunch. My grandma went to his room to get him for bingo and he was gone. She was shattered and her health quickly deteriorated. So, yeah, I get a little angry sometimes because I saw her lose the will to live.

She was so awesome. She really was. I miss her and wish I could post a picture of her but don't have the capability to from work. You can see previous photos, though:

Arlene
Arlene and her grand-daughter
Memorial

See you soon, sweet lady...

Seasons

Another season has started in my life. It feels cold, dark and rainy right now but I know if i can just get through the muck, I'll be standing in the sun. Focus, focus, focus...but I tend to get caught up in my emotions. Poor me (sob).

I thought about where I was a year ago and almost wish I was back there. One last weekend with my sweet grandmother. The feeling of utmost support and the closeness of family...where is it now? We've managed to hang on a little. I'm much closer to Michael than I ever was before, and perhaps Cory and I will be again, too.

With that, I think I'm taking a little hiatus from writing. I fear I'll spill too much of my guts and get a little too personal with "it" I'm going through. I don't mean to say it will be months...maybe just a week...maybe not even that. I just have a tendency to pour my heart into this thing but I don't even know my audience anymore. That feels dangerous to me.

Go State and keep singing to me, Jimmy.

Coming Clean

Okay, I admit it. I went shopping yesterday. I only had 6 days to go but I blew it. Does it count that Yi was with me? Probably not. I also blew the whole not going out to lunch more than once a week. Just proves that I can't live up to my own standards...and I probably wasn't supposed to. Kind of reminds me of the 10 commandments...kind of. But hey! I received huge discounts! I donated clothes to Goodwill and Younkers gave me an additional 20% off already marked down prices. These coupons were only good until Tuesday. There are no Younkers stores in the Detroit area so you see...I had no choice, really. Satan was probably calling my bluff. Will I ever have self restraint....?

First Day of Fall

Have you ever stood at a window, pressed your face really close to it and looked up during a rain storm? You see the rain almost envelping you but you can't quite touch it. It feels like you can but you can't.

I was running around, making dinner, doing some laundry, balancing my finances, getting ready for Must See TV...when I thought, "Wait a minute. It's the first day of fall and there is a severe thunderstorm outside."

I turned out all the lights and stood at my dining room window. The lightning was intense, sometimes flashing boldly across the sky or in little streaks behind the trees. I smiled as I thought about the power behind those bolts...God's power. I smiled even more when I thought that maybe he had sent this little storm...perhaps the last storm of the season...just to give us storm lovers something to savor. I smiled up at God, feeling him all around me. I had been feeling icky the past few days but finally, peace came to my emotions.

You are forgiven. You are not abandoned. I will not let you be alone. You are accepted. Stop gossiping.

I wonder how many times God has to say it before I get it. I want to get these lessons the first time he lays them down, not the 10th. I guess when I finally do get it, I will have what they call wisdom...or I'd be God. I sound like Eve so let's make it clear: I'll take wisdom.

I'm up....

Yeah, I'm up and guess where I'm sitting right now. Take a guess. Nope, not there. I'm actually at work. Yup. I have to do a press check to make sure the color and registration are good enough for the client. Am I up to this? Probably not. Am I qualified? Mostly not. The press dudes called me around 10:45. I watched the end of ER (disappointing) and then headed in. By the time I got here and was ready to go, the press wasn't moving at all. The sucker was plugged...or something like that. So, I explained to the dears why I was there, showing them some errors from the last print run. They made excuses, said the client was too picky, then I said I had to make a couple of phone calls (trying to sound really important) and now I'm hiding up here while they try to figure me out. I think the longer I stay here, the more serious they'll take me. I'm tired, though....

30mph

It was turning out to be a beautiful Tuesday evening as I drove down Meadowbrook road on my way to Bally’s. I eased my way onto the service drive, making sure I stayed under the 30 mph speed limit. I became slightly agitated as a car came speeding up behind me. Anger started to creep in when the dude flashed his brights at me. “Hey, wait a minute! The speed limit is 30 mph, buddy, and don’t you know there is usually a cop up here monitoring?” The car suddenly jerked to the left and began to pass me! But wait! This wasn’t a passing lane. He was passing me over a turn lane—completely illegal. I was fired up.

The green Honda sped along the service drive and I prayed for a cop to being sitting in the usual spot. Said dude approached the second speed limit sign and I saw his brake lights come on. Hmmmm…. I made a little self bet…this dude is also going to Bally’s. Sure enough, as I was pulling into the first parking lot entrance, he had gone down to the second entrance. We were now facing each other…in our cars. It was almost like a showdown. I pulled into the empty spot to the right while he pulled into the left. Again, I was fired up and something came over me as I got out of my car. I was going to confront him. I had no fear.

When I saw him, though, I stopped short. He was short. Really short. In fact, he looked a lot like my friend Russ. I was wearing my boots and was about 3 inches above him.

“Sir!” I yelled in his direction. He turned toward me, surprised. “Sir…was it really necessary to pass me in a 30 mph zone?”
“Sorry?” the guy said as if he didn’t understand.
“You passed me back there when the speed limit was 30 mph.”
“Ohhh…yeah…well, the limit is not 30 mph.”
“You’re kidding me, right? I’ve been taking that road twice a week for the past five years. You need to go back and have another look.”
“Is it 30mph? I didn’t know. I saw the second sign and slowed down but I thought you were going slow because the sun was in your eyes.”
I was having a difficult time understanding this man because of his thick Indian accent but also because he had a plastic mouth guard in his mouth.
“Sun in my eyes? No. But even so, you do realize it’s illegal to pass when there is a center turn lane. Someone could be in that turn lane and you would crash right into them. I mean, what were you in such a big hurry for? Do you have a favorite elliptical trainer or something? I mean, really, there’s no need to put your life in danger or get a ticket just to get to Bally’s faster.”
After my little lecture, the guy smiled and acknowledged that he usually doesn’t drive so carelessly. I turned to my car to get my gym back out. It wasn’t there. I had left it at home. D’oh.
“And now, after all of this, I left my gym bag at home…I can’t even work out!” I exclaimed. We both started laughing. Little dude went on his way and forgetful girl went home, laughing at herself for being so self-righteous.

Just as I was getting used to calling it Marshall Fields, they change the name to Macy's. Maybe I'll just go back to calling it Hudson's for fun.

I finally found the lyrics to that Kenny Chesney song.

Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin’ in the rain
Still can’t believe you’re gone.

Chorus

It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I been through
Just knowin’ no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder
Who you’d be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Somedays the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know
I’ll see you again some day
Someday, someday

The Samaritan Woman Returns

Okay. I admit it. I have acceptance issues. I want everyone to like me. I, in turn, want to like everyone back. So, what’s the problem? So, why don’t I? And why do I fall apart when the affirmation isn’t given or I’m rejected?

It’s my fault. I place expectations on people and they fail to live by them. How rude. I try to live by other people’s expectations and I fail them. How rude. This is my little story from this weekend of acceptance and why I constantly need it.

The words were quick and harsh. Cringing from their blow, I tried to dismiss my intentions. “Look, so and so, I wasn’t trying to say you don’t work hard and you couldn't possibly be so tired that you're going to go to bed at 7:30 p.m. on your 30th birthday (Yes I was). I just wanted to bring you a gift.” I was told (in an annoyed, mean voice) to just drop it off sometime. With that, I hung up. I had poured a week’s worth of work into this gift. I had stressed about it and spent too much of my free time trying to finish. Why had I done all this? To make so and so happy?

The pain of the rejection was fresh on my heart as I sat across from a friend--a friend on my spiritual 911 speed dial. I hadn’t even wanted to discuss my pain. I wanted to have a drink and to speak light heartedly about life, movies, books. It was a perfect, September evening with the full moon occasionally ducking under some clouds. As we sat under the partly cloudy sky, my friend looked at me curiously and I spilled my guts about the rejection I had just felt.

CL: I think you have acceptance issues. I read your blog. I know you do.
HB: Maybe…well…I know I do for sure with certain people. But I want to be liked by everyone.
CL: Everyone kind of does. No one likes rejection. Living your life by what others think of you, though…that’s no way to live.
HB: I know.
CL: You know the story of the Samaritan Woman?
I laughed and smacked my forward. Of course! Riv teaches on the Samaritan Woman all the darn time!
HB: Yes, the woman who went to the well in the middle of the day because she wanted to avoid people…because she was a hussy and everyone looked down on her. Jesus calls her out on her sins and tells her he can give her so much water she would never be thirsty again.
CL: What’s the water he wants to give her?
HB: Him.
CL: There is something in that exchange 99.9% of people miss. It is a small detail but John put it in the lesson for a reason. What does the woman do after she realizes who Jesus is?
HB: She runs to tell everyone else.
CL: Right…but that little detail, Holly...she leaves her bucket behind when she goes. Why did she do that? Why did John write that small detail?
I smiled as it all became so clear to me.
HB: She didn’t need it anymore. Jesus filled her up. He accepted her.

I sat there for a moment and thought all of this through. I had made the special gift for so and so because I wanted the acceptance, not exactly because I wanted to make them happy. This person is always a little mean to me because I care too much. I let it happen time and time again. No, this person had not rejected me as much as I was setting an expectation I wanted and thought I needed him to fulfill. How unfair. When I became a Christian, I felt Christ’s love for me. I saw life through a new hope. But I never fully replaced my longing for acceptance with something real. I was taking little sips of Christ’s water and doing it when I wanted. As I sat across from my friend, my eyes moved to my glass. It was empty but I was not. For one of the first real times, I felt quenched. I am stamped with Christ’s love and acceptance. I know my past is peppered with evil. I know I have the capability to be evil and set myself up for rejection. Can I be happy with a real relationship? The one I have with Christ?

HB: Wow. This Samaritan woman continues to amaze me. I wonder how many more lessons she has up her sleeve.
CL: Christ loved her and he loves you. Can you accept that?

What a simple, complex question. I stared up at the moon just in time to see the last of the clouds drift out of eyesight. The lucid sky beckoned me. Take a drink. Take all of it.

I am the Samaritan woman. I’m her over and over again because I keep expecting my relationships with people to fulfill me instead of letting Christ fulfill me. The Samaritan woman got it, though. She left her bucket behind. I find myself still holding my bucket out to others without realizing it is already overflowing.

Welcome to earth, Barend Mayer. You're in for a treat...

Helllllo, Joaquin.... I really want to thank Dave for the Dreamdate document he put together for me. I wish I could post it but no go. I did find out that Joaquin is a strict vegan. This will not work for me. He was also quoted as saying he had a catholic girlfriend once but broke up with her because she wouldn't show him some love. No, Joaquin, I don't think we're going to work out after all. It would have been great...eating flank steaks while sitting on our leather couch...oh well...

Original Photo of me moms.

Here is a copy of the work I did in Adobe Photoshop class today! See...I'm in my mom's picture....

Excellent guesses, everyone but…no dice.

Here we go.

Ready? I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed. Okay, I’ll admit it. I have a thing for Joaquin Phoenix.

There it is…out there. This “thing” started when I saw Signs for the third time. There was just something about the guy playing Merrill. Then, when I saw Ladder 49…oh boy…done deal. Now, I realize I don’t KNOW the real Joaquin and perhaps I only have a “thing” for certain characters he has played (I need to interject here and say I adored him in The Village even though I didn’t care for the movie much…don’t get me started on Gladiator (yuck)). So, I’m admitting this fascination because of the “coincidences” which have happened in the past couple of weeks.

I went to Toronto (really it was Mississauga) the week of August 22nd. The night before I left, I watched The Village. As I laid my sleepy head down to the pillow, I thought to myself, “wouldn’t it be super cool if Joaquin just happened to be at the same hotel I’m going to be staying in?” I laughed, half-asleep. How silly. I mean, what are the chances he would even be in the area. Fade to black.

I had to go back to Toronto (again, Mississauga) this past Monday and Tuesday. As my supervisor, co-worker and I sped down one of the most boring highways ever, Amy turned to me and said, “Did you know the Toronto International Film Festival is going on right now?” My heart almost bounced out of my body. “Are you playing with me, Amy? I mean…if that is true, there is a slim chance Joaquin is in town to promote Walk The Line!” We discussed this as we scanned boxes, trying to figure out how to get to downtown Toronto and bump into Mr. Phoenix. Alas, we finished up at 4:30 p.m., went back to the hotel, went out to dinner and then felt too tired to care. Before heading back to our rooms, I asked Amy for a favor.

“Will you go down to the hotel bar with me…just so I can check?” She agreed but of course, no Joaquin. Oh well. I wasn’t serious anyhow…heh.

We spent the morning with our vendor and finished really early. Jim, Amy and I joked that we should go down to the film festival to look for Joaquin, even though I couldn’t even confirm he was in town. We joked about this all the way home.

Wednesday night, I was flipping through stations when Joaquin’s face suddenly flashed on the screen. I had stumbled upon some cheesy game show where the contestant had to guess the names of people on the covers of magazines. Among Cokie Roberts, Arnold S., and whomever else….was a picture of Joaquin. Wow. What a “coincidence”. An hour later, a promo for “8mm” came on. Another shot of Joaquin jumped in front of my face. What is going on? Is Satan toying with me?

And now for the biggest kick in the guts (well, yesterday, anyhow): I went to CNN.com and clicked on the link about the new Johnny Cash movie. Now, I knew Joaquin was playing the role. No surprise there. The kicker….."Walk the Line," which premiered Tuesday at the Toronto International Film Festival…and there was Joaquin, all dressed up. I missed him by a few hours. HE WAS THERE! I just can’t believe it. I hope he didn’t wait long at the Novotel Hotel bar. Ugh! Amy feels bad we didn’t try to go downtown but what would I have said to him as I stood there in my Wrigley Field tee, grubby jeans, hair pulled back looking like a mess? “Hi….uh…hi….loved you in Spacecamp.”

So, yeah…there it is. I’m a huge fan of Joaquin and think I might see Walk The Line on opening day. It helps I’m a fan of Johnny Cash, too, but who am kidding? Sigh…all this proves is nothing except my little fantasy world is alive and strong. Doesn’t all of this mean anything? I know it means I’m changing my desktop wall paper from the picture of Riv at Easter to Joaquin on the red carpet in Toronto. Steve Sommerlot comes down, Joaquin Phoenix goes up. That’s just the way it works…

Happy Birthday to Mason's head varsity baseball coach (a close friend of mine).

Coming Out of the Closet

I think it's time to admit this: I have a super secret crush on someone. Do I dare say who? Ugh. I don't know. I risk the ridicule from my peers...but some may not be surprised by this person's identity. Some have already suspected...I just have to admit I have a small "thing" for someone I'll never meet...but I think I'm going to.

Ready?

I just chickened out. Can't do it. Not yet. Any guesses first?

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Adobe Photoshop

I'm taking an Adobe Photoshop class. I'm taking this class from my cousin...in his dining room...and I'm the only student. But I'm really excited because this gets me closer to my goal which is...I'm not telling. I take this class on Friday nights as I make my way from Livonia to Lansing. I just hop off the trail and spend an hour or two in Michigan Center. Last week, I learned more about the clone tool and a little about levels. Still, I had to put up with the jokes of how superior Macs are compared to my crappy Dell. Oh well. I love spending time with Mike. He makes me laugh. He showed me how to adjust levels and then had to get his son dinner. As he was whipping it up in the kitchen, he yelled to me, "Pretend I'm with another student." I look forward to our class tomorrow night...

Yesterday morning, I heard one of the saddest songs. It's by Kenny Chesney and it's called "What You'd Be Today." I immediately thought of Kim and then to all the young people who have left this earth too soon. I'm trying to find the lyrics to this song but so far, unsuccessful.