What worry can do to a person....

"Oh no!" she said when she saw me sitting on the table. Her reaction startled me and tears marched forward. I felt as if I were three, had just fallen down and was now turning to my mom for help. Finally...we would get this figured out.

"How did it start?" she asked. My mind flew in a million different directions. How did all of this start?

It could have started last fall when I went through all that crazy stuff. But it may have started somewhere when I was young, insecurities I developed somehow. We all develop these little personality traits somewhere in our history. Who could really pinpoint when it all started?

Since last September, I've been facing several trials. I chose many different tactics during the trials. Denial. Anger. Reflection. Honesty. Regret. Sinful nature. I tried to handle it the best way I could but relying on my own understanding, I left my God out of the whole mix. That crazy God...He never left me.

There has been a lot of pain and struggle getting through the events of the past 6 months. God has equipped me with close friends, people I didn't have in my life a year ago. But my insecurities which stem from who knows where, cause me to play God and try to turn events to my advantage. I love my peeps. I share them with the world. They are not solely mine. Is anything? Is that a selfish behavior to have? Wanting something that is your own? I still struggle with selfish and self-less. But at least I'm struggling. At least I'm not giving in to the selfish. I almost did last week.

I felt so wicked. I felt rage. I was actually consumed with hate. Could not believe the evil spewing out of me. I went to bed that night and felt separated from God. Why would He ever want me for a daughter? I'm not really a Christian. It's all a front. How could I be a Christian and be hateful, evil, bratty and selfish? The next morning I was disappointed in myself. Thank you, Lord because if I had felt like I was in the right, then Satan would have been winning my heart. I knew my actions were wrong. I knew there might be some truth to what I was feeling but my reaction was not good. But thank God I knew this because I'm marked as the Lord's child. I reject Satan as my cheerleader. Maybe Satan wins with me too often but he doesn't win me over. The Holy Spirit struggles inside but wins out in the end. It wins out so I can face my mistakes and know I was wrong instead of thinking I own the world.

Tuesday night, my roommate looked at me. "Holl, that stuff on your chin...those aren't zits." I became anxious. "What do you mean?" "Well, they aren't going away and they don't look like zits anymore." The next day, I called my dermatologist. I also googled some skin irregularities. I realized the sores on my chin were not getting better.

I went to bed Wednesday night and picked up the book I'm reading. This book is about end times and as I read the following, horror struck me:
"They [followers of the anti-christ] are suffering. Soon they will be as bad off as poor Mr. Forunato, who must be miserable almost unto death by now. How utterly ingenious for our Lord to plant in someone's mind the brilliance of having the GC personnel go first yesterday. They received the mark of the beast; then they worshiped his image. And now they are victims of Revelation 16:1-2."
"The plague of boils!" Buck whispered.

My heart almost leapt from my body. Plague of boils? Was I getting boils? I got to the end of the chapter:
"Ask him [the anti-christ] if he would like his medical staff to try to treat your boils and carbuncles with water that has turned to blood."

Um...shit. Why would I figure out that my little pimple problem was actually something more....and the SAME DAY read THIS in my book? I could have been on any book in the series. I could have been on any chapter. The coincidence was too strong for me. I went to my dermatologist.

"It started as a zit," I told her
"And you picked it?" she asked.
"Um...yeah...guess I couldn't leave well enough alone."
"You have impetigo," she explained. "Mostly, kids and athletes such as wrestlers get it."
"And followers of the anti-christ," I thought to myself.
"All people have bacteria that lives on our skin," my doctor explained. "Yours must have been a serious strain of bacteria you picked up from somewhere. You have a staph infection in your skin."
"And....I'm going to hell," I wanted to tell her. Was this impetigo a punishment? Was it a side effect of me stressing about too much and playing God? Was God rejecting me? Had Satan won me over? Was I marked by the beast?!!? All of these thoughts were fleeting as I started my anti-biotic.

"So, God, are you trying to teach me how to be humble by having sores on my face? By having to wear a band-aid on my chin? This is a wonderful lesson," I thought and I put my ointment on. Peace entered my heart. Sometimes I forget I'm still a new Christian. I get freaked out the way little kids get freaked out over the smallest issues. But, as a friend reminded me today, I'm sealed with the Holy Spirit. And when an issue arises in life, don't pick and pick at it because it will turn into impetigo.

The protest was over almost as soon as wrote that but I've been unable to update. So, it looked like I was holding out when I really wasn't. Now, you shall suffer the consequences of me wanting to blog all sorts of stuff.

Wow. I'm really falling short on my roll call. Think you're too good for it, don't you? Yeah...that's right. Too cooooool. Well, Mr. and Mrs. "Cool"...no signy inny on rolly cally...no bloggy. Hmpf!

Roll Call 2006

It's time again for the annual roll call (something I copied from Noel last year). So....brave friends and the skulkers (even those I didn't invite--now's your chance to step up), please let me know the following:
Your name
Your home base
Your handle/blog name/nickname
Do you have a nickname for me?
Do I know you call me that?
Let me know a movie/song/tv show your embarrassed to admit you love.

Now...don't be afraid to comment....we're among friends here....

Twice now I've had to take JAC into Sparrow for some type of procedure where they knock him out. The first time was in July 2003 when he had sinus surgry. They really put him under that time and he had difficulty coming out of it. There was a mentally impaired man in the recovery room who was really loud. JAC was sleeping it off but suddenly, he sat up and yelled, "shut the f--k up!" Then he threw up. This time wasn't as bad. They called his dad and I back to the recovery room and JAC opened his eyes a bit. He mumbled something we couldn't understand so we gave him some water.
Denny: Now you've seen Joey at his worst and his finest.
Me: What is his finest?
JAC (mumbling): Baby, you're my finest (pause)...when did you get here?
Me: I brought you here. Want another drink?
JAC: I haven't had anything to drink.
Me: ok

Today has consisted of JAC sleeping and asking the same questions over and over (a side-effect of the meds). It's kind of funny because he was acting drunk. I made him toast when we got back to his house. JAC said, "Hol, look at this!" I turned to see Chessie licking butter out of a bowl. "Joey! That's not funny!" It was funny because he couldn't discern right from wrong. Can't wait for the Tommy John's surgery. I'll invite y'all over to mess with his mind.

The Anatomy of a Trip and Fall

I have a little story for you. A story told in pictures. Is it that this was too funny not to post...or we just have too much time on our hands? You decide.

The remains.

The fall.

The hole.

The landing. Joey fell down the stairs today. He wasn't seriously hurt but I couldn't help but laugh my a** off at him and force him into this recreation. The look of pain on his face is actually real...he hurt himself in the reinactment, too. Enjoy!

S.H.A.P.E. Update

Sooo...no one mentioned how good I am at playing guitar or my bow staff skills. I appreciate your feedback on talents. Really, I do.

Crazy thing: sometimes God is loud. Sometimes He screams at me. The day after I wrote the SHAPE entry, I went to Riv and found out they are offering a class to help you discover your SHAPE. Weird coincidence. Later that night, I was taking an online survey from Yi's site and one of the questions asked if you knew what the spiritual gifts were that God has given you. Hmmmm....

Riv pastors in Koln, Germany (Steve and Noel). I will forever look at this picture whenever I feel the need to laugh. (courtesy of Noel Heikkinen)

S.H.A.P.E.

In our Wednesday PDL group, we are discussing the SHAPE God gives to us. Not our physical shape but the spiritual gifts we have which our unique. It is easy to say, "I don't have any," but trust that God would not give them to everyone else and not you, loser. That was mean. Sorry. I want to figure out the things I'm good at doing. I want to use them to serve Christ. I want to somehow make a career out of it or at least gear my gifts to a potential job. I'm doing the best I can where I'm at now but I'm getting the tap on the shoulder: time to go...really now.

Here is my question to you, Loki22 blog reader: can you help me to identify areas you think I do well in? This is not my way of fishing for compliments. This is my way of asking those around me where they notice I excel or do well. Perhaps you don't have anything to offer but can tell me what I should stay away from (singing teacher, coupon making, leadership). Please help me (insert name here)...you're my only hope.

Now I really did it...

I'm pet sitting...I guess. I'm at JAC's and two puppies are sleeping at my feet. I can't get around them. Trapped again. The roads are better but JAC's driveway is not. I went to close the gate to let Cain and Titan run around...but part of the gate came right off the hinge and started to fall on top of me. All I could think was, "now I really did it...I broke Joey's gate." I struggled under the weight of the thing. The ice under my feet didn't help. It must have been funny to see. I finally got a board underneath to steady it.

Came inside. Joey's fish was floating in the water. Grrrrr...

I hope the salt trucks have the roads under control soon. I'm starving. Anyone want me to pet sit for them?

Bad Day

I'm cleaning house a bit today on my blog and going through drafts I never posted. I wrote this on 2/14/05.

It is difficult to admit this happened...but it did. I had a rough day this weekend. I was challenged in a big way and I fell. I was quickly reminded about a line I have to draw. It is not a line regarding sexuality or drinking. It is a line of what I can expose myself to as a fairly new Christ Follower.The wise know and understand the truth. Yes, they seek more wisdom but having a firm perspective and knowing the Bible makes them less susciptible to controvery. They walk into a fire, they leave unscathed because they hold on to what they've learned. Throw a new believer in the fire, chances are they will get burned unless someone brings them out of it.

I saw the book sitting out and I read one page. It was a book which explains the Da Vinci Code. I thought it was the book which disproved the Da Vinci Code. Nope. One page was all it took to make my head spin. Immiediatly, I went to my Bible and tried to look for answers to some crazy theory I just read. I didn't find anything. Tired, I took a nap.

Upon waking an hour later, I felt so cold and alone. It was almost like I could feel my own mortality...the fact that I wouldn't always be alive. But the feeling of just complete lonliness pressed my heart."What in the hell was I doing? What was this religiousy crap I was buying into? And God? Give me a break. It's like Santa Claus and I'll never know because there is no God...there is no God? Is there a God? Have I been brainwashed? What is happening?"I seriously panicked. Lost. Confused. Sick. Anger. Tears. Shame.

Every new Christian should have a sponser of some sort. So I called mine, JAC. But I was evil and spoke evil. All of this anger was just building inside of me. The sponsor picked me up and we started driving out to Charlotte to see some friends. We got as far as the high school when I got a call from my sister that my car was blocking her in. We turned around and went back. As we left for the second time, I said, "maybe we weren't supposed to go to Charlotte tonight. Let's go to 2 Feathers. I've never been."So we went. And the Holt Wrestling Coaches were there. And they were so happy to see us. They invited us in and we ended up laughing a lot. And it was purely coincedence, right? I finally admitted why I was tripping out so bad. My sponsor listened paitently and said some things I took to heart.

I feel okay right now. It's almost like after a fight when you feel a little sensitive around the person who hurt you or who you hurt. God didn't hurt me but I still feel a little shaky. I suppose this happens to people without wisdom and knowledge. I'm quickly trying to gain some but it could take my whole life. What am I supposed to do in the meantime?Listen to my own stupid advice. I mean, look at what I had written the day before about turning God on and off? How He is always there. It is so hard to follow advice whether it is your own or another humans. Anyhow, all is good now. I got back up but feel the limp a little. It will heal. Damn that satan, too. He's a tricky-you-know-what.

Trapped

I woke up to phone calls telling me not to leave the house. The roads are ice. I-94 has reported 13 accidents. Ingham county: 30. A woman was killed on 127 North near the Cedar Street exit in Mason. Damn. It is all so close to home. I was just on these roads last night totally not aware of the coming weather. It's silly to think, when will my luck run out? I don't believe in luck but I still say that in my head sometimes.

I went outside to get a bag from my car and as soon as my feet hit the pavement, I slipped. Didn't fall but did skate to the Ion. My car was covered in ice but not frozen. Everything looks so normal. Joey's warning to me was, "it might look fine outside but it isn't." He got up really early for a wrestling tournament at Sexton. He still wasn't there an hour after he left. I heard the panic in his voice. "Holl, there was a fatality...in Mason. Don't leave the house." I used to see this part of him as an over-reaction... But more and more, I see the genuine concern for my safety and how just thinking about me being on the road was causing him anxiety.

Two winters ago, I made a dumb decision to drive to Lansing at midnight one Friday. I was doing almost 80 on I-96 with the cruise control on. When I neared Brighton, I noticed a car...two cars...now three cars had gone off the road. On the opposite side of the freeway, ambulances, tow trucks, police. "What's going on?" I asked myself. Hello? Ice. I immediately freaked out, took myself off cruise and slowed to 10 mph....not braking, of course. I got off at the Grand River exit and took backroads all the way to Lansing. Not a bright idea either but no one was rushing past me. I called JAC and asked him, "I was being so stupid. I was speeding on an icy road? I should have been in the ditch with the rest. Why not? Why not me?" "Because it wasn't your lesson to learn today by going in the ditch. I don't know why but it just wasn't." Don't get me wrong. I do not think that because I am saved, I will be protected from the elements. There IS a lot I'm protected from but not the elements of this earth. I guess it just wasn't in my storyline to go in the ditch but my story is still playing out.

And now I see how hurricanes and earthquakes are dangerous because if we here in the Lansing-Jackson area risk driving today, we may be hurt or killed. Of course, you risk that anywhere or anytime but the stakes are a lot higher today. Still, I'm safe inside the house. It won't blow away or fall inside the earth.

Problem #1....there isn't any food. This might be bad after all....of course, I can work on my res. and there's always blogging....

“There is a reason I wanted to tell you that story,” Albie said. “Not just because I want to persuade you, which I do. Those among us who have found the truth long for everyone else to have it. But it was because of what you said about yourself. You said Dr. Ben-Judah was one who loved the unlovable. He does, of course. This is a Christlike quality, a Jesus characteristic. But then you referred to yourself as unlovable, and I identified with you.

“But more than that, Ms. Durham, if I may use a phrase of Dr. Ben-Judah’s. Often he will say that this or that truth ‘gives the lie’ to certain false claims. Have you heard him say that, and do you know what it means?”

She nodded.

“Well, it applies to you, dear woman. I have just met you, and yet God has given me a love for you. Rayford and his family and friends speak of you and their love for you. That gives the lie to your claim that you are unlovable.”

“They shouldn’t love me,” she said, just above a whisper.

“Of course they shouldn’t. You know yourself. You know your selfishness, your sin. God should not love us either, and yet he does. And it is only because of him that we can love each other. There is no human explanation for it.”

The Mark from the crappy “Left Behind” series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

You know, I don't get it. If I knew me, I'm not so sure I would want to be my friend. Not that I'm a horrible friend...I feel like if people knew the person I really am sometimes, they wouldn't want to know me. That makes it sound like I have a bunch of shallow friends...or I live a duplicitas life. Naw...sometimes things just go through my head...

And then there is God...

I have been so strong in my faith only to turn my back on Him. If I were God, I wouldn't want to forgive me. But I'm not God...and God isn't human...and then there's Christ which is the reason I can be forgiven.

Did you screw up? I know I have. Not talking to God much right now? At all? Been there. You can come back, you know. Anytime. He's waiting for you, you know. Maybe your best friend would never forgive you for how you've behaved...but He will. How can you not love Him with all your heart? I wish I knew the answer to that one, too.

Mason (#1 in the state) beat Lakewood (#2 in the state) tonight in wrestling. Such good matches. I really got into it, yelling "Squeeze!" Good times...good times...

They make a good couple.

Happy 2006! (it better be)