Dying

It's weird waiting for someone to die. Half of you wants it to hurry up , the other half wants it to not happen. I know my grandmother is going to die. The doctor thinks it will be this week...the next few days. A total waiting game. Grandma has stumped us before but her organs are shutting down....slooooooowly. I watch her sleep, a deep sleep sometimes. Her breathing is shallow and she looks peaceful. Other times, she is snoring loudly and has a cross look on her face. She doesn't respond much, although you can tell when she is more awake than not. I see so many things when I look at her. I see a woman who was once my age, young, pretty, thin, funny...it scares me. I wonder how I will die sometimes. Will I live to be as old as she...do I want to? To be completely reliant on another person is a scary thought. Peeing, pooping, eating, swallowing...all of these become too hard so you either quit or do it at free will. My question: who will take care of me? Right now, Grandma is at my cousin Mike's in Michigan Center. Mike brought her here to care for her in her final days. My aunts are here helping and there is a nurse and doctor who come to check on Gram. The coolest part is that she isn't in a nursing home waiting to die. She will die surrounded by the people who care for her, in a loving home. I don't want to be a burden by any means but I truly wish for this as well.

Judgment Day

I fall short all the time. I want to please God and do what He has spelled out for me to. I've also changed my lifestyle a bit in order to give God glory as I become known to my friends and family as a Christian. I was thinking though...the things I gave up, was it right to do so? Am I trying to be a fundamentalist Christian? I decided that though at times I have been guilty of judging others and feeling self-righteous, the things I gave up were sins that were hurting me. No, it wasn't chocolate. I didn't give up beer. I will continue to shop for shoes. The things I gave up were not sacrifices to God. I just knew He was right. It isn't good to get wasted. It isn't good to get so close to someone other than the man I'm going to marry. I should never judge someone else because I fall short. I ask God to forgive me all the time. I am not above His grace.

After God forgives me, he erases it. My sin never happened in His eyes, right? So what is judgment Day? I will stand before God and give Him an account (Romans 14:10b). Ummmm....I'm slightly confused. If I'm forgiven, what will I stand in judgment of? All the things I forgot to ask forgiveness for (like how I just ended the last two sentences in prepositions--my father would have a fit and a half)? Will He be judging my heart to see if I truly accept Jesus as my savior? Hmmmm.....

This Season

This season of my life is happy. However, I the next season, a darker season, is just around the corner. I do believe the darkness will have flecks of light poking through.

See, my grandma Beavers is sick. Actually, she isn't sick. She is old and her body is failing her. No one knows how long she'll live. They are moving her to a nursing home in St. John's. I wish it wasn't so far away but I'm going to visit as much as I can. I want to make her as happy and as comfortable as possible before her final season is over. Yes, I called Pastor Brooks. I haven't heard if he visited her or not but he said he would. My aunt was thankful I took the initiative but called the pastor of the church my grandma belongs to. So, poor gram may have gotten two friendly visits--a sure sign to her she's on her way out! It would be so like my grandma to defy us all and live another 10 years. I hope she does.

I love her to no end. She is the cutest, funniest, wittiest grandma I know. She used to call Joey "Joker" because we said his name too fast (Joe Corr). She flirts with everyone, too. Pretends she doesn't hear you when you give her a compliment so she can hear it twice. Her smile, her laugh even when she doesn't have her teeth in makes me smile, too. She loves to dance and I did get to dance with her at my cousin's wedding in April. She loves a good party, too. Always the last one up. On the 4th of July, she sat at the window intently watching the lake and fireworks with a smile on her face. It was 10:00 at night! She loves Lucy. I asked her if she thought it might be on tv when I saw her last Sunday. She got SO excited. "Do you think Lucy's on? Really?!" She loves to play Bingo and prides herself in all of her winnings. The best part is she learned how to use a computer and it was normal to get an instant message from her at 11:00 p.m. I need to miss her when she gone, though and enjoy her while she is still here.

Jeff's mom is in her 'final days', which could be a month for all I know. It is so sad, all of these funerals, all of this death in the air. Why would I be in a happy season?

I think I'm actually having a real relationship with God. It is the craziest thing in the world. I feel Him at night, in the morning, not so much at work but occasionally. A book I'm reading is helping me realize He isn't a distant uncle, He isn't the parent of the cool kids, He's so real to me. I hope this love affair lasts forever because yes, for the first time I feel like I'm falling in love all over again. You're cool, God. Really awesome.

Passing By

Sometimes, God is persistent, brow-beating something into your head. Don't get me wrong. I don't think God is annoying. I wonder at Him all the time. This is what He is beating into my head right now: who am I passing by?

It started when I went to church by myself. Noel taught about the Samaritan woman (again but I always learn something new). Noel asked:
Where was the Samaritan woman going?
Answer: to the well
Where was she coming from?
Answer: the city
Where were the disciples going?
Answer: to the city
Where were they coming from?
Answer: the well
Conclusion: the disciples passed the woman and didn't give her a second thought. Is there anyone you are passing by?

The next day I went to the Presbyterian Church. Pastor Brooks spoke about bringing friends and loved ones to Christ by being persistent. Not annoying, but persistent.

Then, I was reading my Daily Bread thingy and for September 1st, it said, "we too must seek the lost, as Jesus did--and it doesn't take much effort. It's good to ask ourselves from time to time "how many friends do I have who are lost?"

Soooo....how many friends do I have who are lost? Who have I been passing by? Who could I take by the hand and lead to Jesus?

For the rest of my life I can ask these questions but I think right now there is a person Jesus wants me to reach out to: My 93-year-old grandma.

We often talk about reaching out to the young. My church targets the young because as a study says, there are more funerals than weddings in churches. But my grandma is nearing the end of her life. She has congestive heart failure. She is depressed. She is sharper than I am at times and just yesterday recounted a time her daughter went on a date and another time when my cousin Greg didn't pick his toys up before leaving her house. I do see her get confused and mixed up at times but she is the biggest joker. The nurse asks her name, my grandma says George Burns. But like I said, she is lonely and depressed. She became frustrated trying to open her milk and said, "I'm just so tired. Sometimes I want to give up but I don't want to leave my family."

Something struck me. Is she scared? She told me how much she missed my grandfather who died in 1977. She said she HOPED to see him in heaven. I asked her what she thought heaven was and she said she just wasn't sure. She hoped there was a heaven and she hoped grandpa was there. Hope? Well, yes, hope is good. God gave us hope. But what about her faith? All of this made me wonder: am I passing my grandma by?

I asked her if she had spoken to a minister or pastor recently and she said no. She hadn't been to
church in four years and the Laingsburg Methodist church had a new minister. I'm going to see if Pastor Brooks was available. My gut is to go with Pastor Brooks. He is the closest thing to a Methodist minister and I think she would be soothed by him. I know I couldn't send Noel in there. It would scare the crap out of my grandma.

I have to do something and fast because I feel like I'm so focused on the young people in my life, I'm passing the slower one, the oldest one, on my way to the city.

Duped

I was duped. That's right. I was tricked into supporting something I normally wouldn't support...but it's okay.

I work with this woman who is the nicest person. She is honest and straightforward, always helpful. This woman is also a hard worker. She works long hours and has been promoted to a supervisor so she has an even more difficult position now. This woman also has a little two-year-old daughter in daycare.

This shouldn't bug me, right? I mean, this woman is living out the feminist movement! She is climbing the corporate ladder! She is more than dedicated to her job! But I think about that little girl. I guess what bugs me the most is the day I worked late (occasionally, I do) and the little girl came walking in with her father to visit mommy. She was carrying a happy meal and the woman saw me and stopped to ask a question. The little girl desperately said, "Come on, mommy. Let's eat!" The woman smiled, asked her husband to take the little girl to her office, and continued to talk to me. She explained, "my daughter insisted on having dinner with me tonight." My heart ached and my lip bled I was biting it so hard.

I have no place to judge this woman. I don't know the reasons and it shouldn't even be my concern. People could say to me, "you don't have children. You don't know what you would do." Um, yes, I do.

I was brought up in daycare. My mom was a single mom and I know she did the best she could having an infant and dealing with divorce. I was placed with several babysitters and the ones I remember...not very fond of them. One took Blankie from me as a punishment. My mom was so ticked she yelled at the lady not to do it again. I don't think the lady liked me much after. Still, I remember waiting for my mom to come home when she worked late on Wednesdays. I can feel the lump rising in my throat now. I would sit at the back door and just wait for her, longing for her, not wanting to be without her.

So how did I get duped? I bought cookie dough. I knew the money was going to Helping Hands which I thought was some sort of philanthropy. When I handed in my check, I found out it was the little girl's daycare...It was going toward new toys. This lady thought it was so wonderful but then confided in me that she was glad she only paid $170 every week instead of the $200 most people pay. I felt sick, so I just smiled and turned away.

My kids will not be in daycare. Yes, I went to college. Yes, I like my job. But if God blesses me with children, I want to be with them until they are old enough to be on their own.

Helpless

"I believe the old cliche, "God helps those who help themselves," is not only misleading but often dead wrong. My most spectacular answers to prayers have come when I was so helpless, so out of control as to be able to do nothing at all for myself."



-Catherine Marshall

The End

I'm sitting in Mr. Pita by myself blogging to myself. Actually, I know I have one reader but this was meant to be a private blog. Oh well. Like I said, eating alone, blogging alone. It doesn't bother me at all. I know Mar would flip out. Krissie gets it, though. We were both raised...alone. She with her dad and me with my mom. Sometimes, I would seek to be by myself when everyone else wanted to go out to do something. Krissie sometimes goes to movies or restaurants by herself. Not a big deal. But sometimes...man...sometimes its all I can do to remind myself I'm not alone. Especially when something is ending.

I have felt the pain of something ending before...oh so many times. This is killing. I find myself feeling sorry for me. I'm 28-years-old! I don't want to go through this anymore!! God, Hello? What's the plan, my man? I've been quite ticked at the big guy lately. I remember when my pastor said he was so angry at God he decked a tree. Have you ever called
God a bad name? I lost it the other night and called God a really bad name. I'm ashamed to write it. I was just so angry.

I wonder what my new life will be like. My single life. Yes, I'm actually going to have one if it kills me (it is) but I need to sort through things. I need to not bounce from relationship to relationship. Still, I've kicked my bestest friend in the whole world out of my life. I felt I had to. Nothing felt right. Now it does BUT I feel that weird alone feeling. Will I be alone forever? Will I be alone on the weekends? Will I be alone for the holidays? Will I be alone driving in my car playing every single sad song I can find in my CD collection? I feel such a pain when I think about Mason, teachers, kitties that put their face in yours as if you were their mom, puppies that look at you with those sad eyes until you give them a treat, the parents that I laughed and joked with, the church....

I have to get through this and I will. It just really sucks right now even if I put my good face on. Kate told me to be careful. She said this was when I would be at my weakest and it was an excellent opportunity for the devil to strike. So I tried to tell God it was really the devil calling him an f-er, not me. Then I told him it really was me and I was just so sorry. I love Him so much but darn it all to bits, I want to fall madly in love with the right guy. I've found the right guy but didn't have the madly I needed. I found the wrong guy but did have the madly. I need, want, and deserve both....don't I? Don't answer that.

So sick....so wrong

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/South/08/30/man.decapitated.ap/index.html

Wow. For all we hear about drunk driving it just doesn't stop. People think they can do things better after a few thousand drinks. The thing is, I've been there and I'll admit it. I'm so lucky, too. So was everyone on the road with me. What makes us all think we can take chances like that? To be so risky? I know how hokey it sounds but you can't help wonder about the whole plan. I mean, I'm out all the time, sometimes late at night. Why did those kids have to get hit on their way to eat pizza? Why couldn't the drunk dude hit a tree? What also confuses me is how everyone hates him so much. I've read things about people wanting to kill him. As a Christian, should I want to hate him? Should I want to kill him? I wonder what HIS life is like. I wonder how he is handling what happened. I wonder....does God love him, too?

My mom was hit by a drunk driver when she was pregnant with me. The police had to restrain her from going after him, screaming, "you could have killed my baby!" She was pretty upset. My mom also tried to save a police officer in the mid-80s. She was on her way home on Lansing road when two women flagged her down. My mom noticed the police car as she approached the women and they were screaming hysterically. The police officer had pulled over to change their tire. He had been hit by a drunk driver and the driver fled. My mom stayed with the police officer's body until help came. They gave her an award for it.

Through all of this you would think my mom might be bitter but I'll never forget the time, shortly after the police officer being killed, when my mom took a man into our home at 3:00 in the morning. We lived way out in the country in Charlotte. This drunk dude hit a deer in front of our house. He staggered to our front door and my mom let him in. We weren't coffee drinkers but she found something to sober him up. She stayed with him in the kitchen while Lee slept and us kids were scared out of our minds. I don't remember if she called the police or not but she took him in.

No one can be asked to forgive such a horrific accident. I do hope this guy from Mason gets the maximum sentence. Still, I'm not sure he should live the rest of his life being hated by people. Like Steve said, if you stay angry with people from your past, you are allowing them to control your present. I pray the families and friends of those killed in drunk driving accidents and other crimes at the hand of someone else, can eventually let go. Not now, but eventually.

Will this be my only blog?

Probably. I don't ever have internet access except during the weekends and at work. That actually sounds like I have access all the time. Sitting here, doing nothing, listening to Cain bark, Joey yell at him, and watching the kitties cuddle each other as they...actually I think they are cleaning each other. I may never share my blog with anyone else because it's even boring me!