Bad Day

I'm cleaning house a bit today on my blog and going through drafts I never posted. I wrote this on 2/14/05.

It is difficult to admit this happened...but it did. I had a rough day this weekend. I was challenged in a big way and I fell. I was quickly reminded about a line I have to draw. It is not a line regarding sexuality or drinking. It is a line of what I can expose myself to as a fairly new Christ Follower.The wise know and understand the truth. Yes, they seek more wisdom but having a firm perspective and knowing the Bible makes them less susciptible to controvery. They walk into a fire, they leave unscathed because they hold on to what they've learned. Throw a new believer in the fire, chances are they will get burned unless someone brings them out of it.

I saw the book sitting out and I read one page. It was a book which explains the Da Vinci Code. I thought it was the book which disproved the Da Vinci Code. Nope. One page was all it took to make my head spin. Immiediatly, I went to my Bible and tried to look for answers to some crazy theory I just read. I didn't find anything. Tired, I took a nap.

Upon waking an hour later, I felt so cold and alone. It was almost like I could feel my own mortality...the fact that I wouldn't always be alive. But the feeling of just complete lonliness pressed my heart."What in the hell was I doing? What was this religiousy crap I was buying into? And God? Give me a break. It's like Santa Claus and I'll never know because there is no God...there is no God? Is there a God? Have I been brainwashed? What is happening?"I seriously panicked. Lost. Confused. Sick. Anger. Tears. Shame.

Every new Christian should have a sponser of some sort. So I called mine, JAC. But I was evil and spoke evil. All of this anger was just building inside of me. The sponsor picked me up and we started driving out to Charlotte to see some friends. We got as far as the high school when I got a call from my sister that my car was blocking her in. We turned around and went back. As we left for the second time, I said, "maybe we weren't supposed to go to Charlotte tonight. Let's go to 2 Feathers. I've never been."So we went. And the Holt Wrestling Coaches were there. And they were so happy to see us. They invited us in and we ended up laughing a lot. And it was purely coincedence, right? I finally admitted why I was tripping out so bad. My sponsor listened paitently and said some things I took to heart.

I feel okay right now. It's almost like after a fight when you feel a little sensitive around the person who hurt you or who you hurt. God didn't hurt me but I still feel a little shaky. I suppose this happens to people without wisdom and knowledge. I'm quickly trying to gain some but it could take my whole life. What am I supposed to do in the meantime?Listen to my own stupid advice. I mean, look at what I had written the day before about turning God on and off? How He is always there. It is so hard to follow advice whether it is your own or another humans. Anyhow, all is good now. I got back up but feel the limp a little. It will heal. Damn that satan, too. He's a tricky-you-know-what.

Trapped

I woke up to phone calls telling me not to leave the house. The roads are ice. I-94 has reported 13 accidents. Ingham county: 30. A woman was killed on 127 North near the Cedar Street exit in Mason. Damn. It is all so close to home. I was just on these roads last night totally not aware of the coming weather. It's silly to think, when will my luck run out? I don't believe in luck but I still say that in my head sometimes.

I went outside to get a bag from my car and as soon as my feet hit the pavement, I slipped. Didn't fall but did skate to the Ion. My car was covered in ice but not frozen. Everything looks so normal. Joey's warning to me was, "it might look fine outside but it isn't." He got up really early for a wrestling tournament at Sexton. He still wasn't there an hour after he left. I heard the panic in his voice. "Holl, there was a fatality...in Mason. Don't leave the house." I used to see this part of him as an over-reaction... But more and more, I see the genuine concern for my safety and how just thinking about me being on the road was causing him anxiety.

Two winters ago, I made a dumb decision to drive to Lansing at midnight one Friday. I was doing almost 80 on I-96 with the cruise control on. When I neared Brighton, I noticed a car...two cars...now three cars had gone off the road. On the opposite side of the freeway, ambulances, tow trucks, police. "What's going on?" I asked myself. Hello? Ice. I immediately freaked out, took myself off cruise and slowed to 10 mph....not braking, of course. I got off at the Grand River exit and took backroads all the way to Lansing. Not a bright idea either but no one was rushing past me. I called JAC and asked him, "I was being so stupid. I was speeding on an icy road? I should have been in the ditch with the rest. Why not? Why not me?" "Because it wasn't your lesson to learn today by going in the ditch. I don't know why but it just wasn't." Don't get me wrong. I do not think that because I am saved, I will be protected from the elements. There IS a lot I'm protected from but not the elements of this earth. I guess it just wasn't in my storyline to go in the ditch but my story is still playing out.

And now I see how hurricanes and earthquakes are dangerous because if we here in the Lansing-Jackson area risk driving today, we may be hurt or killed. Of course, you risk that anywhere or anytime but the stakes are a lot higher today. Still, I'm safe inside the house. It won't blow away or fall inside the earth.

Problem #1....there isn't any food. This might be bad after all....of course, I can work on my res. and there's always blogging....

“There is a reason I wanted to tell you that story,” Albie said. “Not just because I want to persuade you, which I do. Those among us who have found the truth long for everyone else to have it. But it was because of what you said about yourself. You said Dr. Ben-Judah was one who loved the unlovable. He does, of course. This is a Christlike quality, a Jesus characteristic. But then you referred to yourself as unlovable, and I identified with you.

“But more than that, Ms. Durham, if I may use a phrase of Dr. Ben-Judah’s. Often he will say that this or that truth ‘gives the lie’ to certain false claims. Have you heard him say that, and do you know what it means?”

She nodded.

“Well, it applies to you, dear woman. I have just met you, and yet God has given me a love for you. Rayford and his family and friends speak of you and their love for you. That gives the lie to your claim that you are unlovable.”

“They shouldn’t love me,” she said, just above a whisper.

“Of course they shouldn’t. You know yourself. You know your selfishness, your sin. God should not love us either, and yet he does. And it is only because of him that we can love each other. There is no human explanation for it.”

The Mark from the crappy “Left Behind” series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

You know, I don't get it. If I knew me, I'm not so sure I would want to be my friend. Not that I'm a horrible friend...I feel like if people knew the person I really am sometimes, they wouldn't want to know me. That makes it sound like I have a bunch of shallow friends...or I live a duplicitas life. Naw...sometimes things just go through my head...

And then there is God...

I have been so strong in my faith only to turn my back on Him. If I were God, I wouldn't want to forgive me. But I'm not God...and God isn't human...and then there's Christ which is the reason I can be forgiven.

Did you screw up? I know I have. Not talking to God much right now? At all? Been there. You can come back, you know. Anytime. He's waiting for you, you know. Maybe your best friend would never forgive you for how you've behaved...but He will. How can you not love Him with all your heart? I wish I knew the answer to that one, too.

Mason (#1 in the state) beat Lakewood (#2 in the state) tonight in wrestling. Such good matches. I really got into it, yelling "Squeeze!" Good times...good times...

They make a good couple.

Happy 2006! (it better be)

Erik and Joe

Peter the Awesome and Yo

Chessie and Katie...but check out the girl to the left...

Me and Jennwe

Chessie and her wicked eyes.

Yi and Jennwe

New Year's 2005

Lyndsay and I on her 9th birthday.

For Lyndsay's birthday, I took her to Libby Lu studios.

2 sides

There are two sides to every story. Only God knows the truth because even when we tell our own side of things, we have tainted it with our preceptions, our hurts, our view points....what we thought we were hearing, what we thought to be true. Still, when I hear someone tell me their hurts, I wonder about that other side. Would it complete the picture if I knew? I continue to be amazed when it comes to these kinds of issues. Yes, I want my side to be known but really, even if it were told, it is still my view...my truth...not the complete picture. Will we only see the complete story in heaven? Will our eyes be opened to everything we misunderstood? Seek first to understand and then be understood. Yeah. That's the ticket. I wish it really worked that way instead of us screaming about our own perceptions. "No, you shut it and listen to me and my hurts first!" This will be my resolution...to try to really understand first before flying off the handle about things that don't really matter anyhow.

2005 In Review

This year started with me being so sure of myself. I had everything all figured out. God had some other plans, too. My little 2005 recap:

• There wasn't a big party for my birthday, just my closest friends and family. I was fine with it, too. I actually received a huge present from God: an invitation to go on a mission trip for Him. I accepted.
• I couldn't decide where I needed to be: Lansing, Mason, Detroit? I kept trying to figure out my feelings and the right thing to do. More confusion.
• I became closer to my pastor, his wife and some other people at Riv...because of this blog.
• I was baptized by Steve and Noel and most of my family and friends came. It was probably the best feeling I had this year.
• Do I even need to talk about the worst feeling from this year (see posts between October and November)?
• I went to Germany. The girl that would never fly over the ocean took a huge leap of faith and let the Lord lead her. But was God leading her to the mission work....or back to something she thought was over. Still not sure about that one :o)
• I met some of the most amazing people this year and have become better friends with them. This was another outcome of the mission trip...to finally have a closeness with other Rivites.
• I continued to work with Riv Kids and God kept leading me to serve and help. I thought about leaving my church, the first church I've ever really had, but I the church wouldn't let me. Either would Suz :o)
• I took another leap of faith and listened to my heart on something that could really blow up in my face. We'll see....

So...2006 hasn't started off too great but I hope the fog is gone now. I pray hearts can heal and God will continue to bless all of us. This is a big year for me, I know. Yes, I turn 30. I'm actually excited about it. I was thinking about how much better I like myself at this age than I did when I was 20...or 22...or 25. You truly do get better with age if you allow God to give you wisdom. Bring it on, 2006. I'm ready.

Sugar...we're going down swinging

JAC: Hey...
Me: What?
JAC: Hey...
Me:Yeah?
JAC: Hey...is the first step to horse poo.
Me: Oh no.....

My Christmas break....could have been better. There is a lot to figure out, a lot to work through. I'm insane to still be sitting here wanting to. I know a lot of people praying and some people thinking about the biggest mistake ever. It was something I had to revisit, though.

Got that digital camera I've wanted for years. No more disposables :o) I also got a chance to spend lots o' time with friends and family I don't always get to see. I always miss this time of year once its gone but now, we're looking at 2006 and all it has to bring. I pray it brings more happiness, less drama. I just want to be happy but I need to listen to God and not shy away from lessons He needs me to learn.

I have to write about this: I'm really frustrating. Really. I don't know what it is about my personality but things just shut down when I feel out of control...when things are spinning out of control and emotions are getting high, I tend to start shutting down. This is frustrating. But I'm amazed at what God has done to try to get me to work through this issue. I'm also amazed at the guy who wants to work through my issues with me...work through our issues together. We aren't always selfless, but he tends to bring me back to a place I want to be. Even now, after I have frustrated people to no end, he is making my favorite dinner...just to see me smile. This is all new again....and frustrating again...and meaningful again. Now...I leave you to go assist in the dinner making process...yes....dinner at almost 10:00 p.m.

Happy New Year!!! Eric just accused me of looking at porn. This would not be a true statement. Question for you: do you pop the cork before midnight or at midnight? We seem to be in disagreement here at this par-tay. Any thoughts?

Anyhow, much love to my two readers. Oh, and to my new reader, too.

xo,
HMB