I've been meaning to post these pics of Suzanne and I before our 8k walk. She's such a mom.

Let me just tell you...I'm not complaining when I say it sucked driving 2.5 hours from Livonia to Lansing today....another statement, not complaint when I say at certain times it felt like I was going negative 4 mph....another statement, not complaint when I say....at least I wasn't in a ravine because it could have so easily been me. I feel bad for the people who did go off the road. I saw so many of them. Remember what happened last year at this time? Go back and look. Too sad to recap. I pray for his family still...as they acknowledge he's been gone a year. And for everyone else who is feeling a loss because a place at the Thanksgiving table is empty...my heart goes out to you. Joyful Thanksgiving, friends.

Just saw an interesting billboard while driving in downtown Lansing.

"got faith?" but then there's a water pipe with a wine glass underneath.

Me: okay. I don't get it. Is this about drinking? Do you have faith in drinking?
Friend: Hmmmm....its a water faucet.....with water coming out of it....but its turning to wine!
Me: (classic Christian response) Shit, that's cool.

Me: What would you do if you suddenly looked over at my desk and the only saw my clothes and shoes sitting in a heap?
Brian: I'd be bummin.
Me: Is it wrong to pray for the rapture...right now...just because today SUCKS SO BAD?
Brian: I already did.

Bird Flu

Tornado warnings on Tuesday....Snow showers on Wednesday...and I'm fighting a cold. Grrrrr....

I'm glad my friends are looking out for me. Thanks, Kelly:
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Bird Flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Dan, were these the symptoms you had?

Walk The Line

I'm walking the line tonight. That's my final decision. I'll see Harry Potter soon enough but I need to see the other movie first. Can I have a prayer request? Thinks aren't well at work for anyone. Looking at major cutbacks for the end of the year. This is scary stuff. I feel like I'm ALREADY walking the line. Please pray for the employees here that if we do get let go before Christmas, God will give us strength to get through and still manage to provide our basic needs. How was that for good news?

Mega-80s were Sa-weet Friday night! You missed out but don't worry (Peter), because they play again on Dec 2. :o)

Random Thoughts

You have no idea how much I miss being able to check blogs and write in my own. Ah!!! But now I probably get more done which is what VAL wants and deserves. Now I have to go back to Laptop lunches...which I don't mind. Panera is packed today, though. When I walked through the door I was mobbed by a bunch of Livonia teachers. One of them even cut in front of me in line. I had to laugh. I wanted to say something like, "it's not nice to cut. I want you to write that on the board 400 times." Really, though I bet she wasn't paying attention. What's that line teachers always say...I need your undivided attention? I never understood that one until a couple years ago.

Things have calmed down in the past couple of days. My "undivided attention" has been focused on giving God my problems and let Him worry about them.

Friend: Does God worry?
Me: No...
Friend: But you're going to give Him your problems to worry about...?
Me: Well...since He doesn't worry, I don't have to, either.

I think I'm past the self pity stage. I'm also past the "intensely seeking Christian council" stage. This has benefited me more than anything else. I love it when people pray for me over the phone. I'm not good at it but I want to become better because it is so awesome. No one has condemned or judged me. They have listened, been empathetic and are willing to be soldiers with me during this spiritual battle. I feel so protected...like the prayers and love have wrapped around me and are keeping the demons at bay. And now...to be less dramatic....I'm coming out of the survival stage, too. Its been pretty shaky this week but the more focused I am on Christ, the more strength I have to continue. How could anyone get through this stuff without Him? It makes me sad. I find it fascinating that God is using me even now to help someone else going through it. Serving Him is what I want. Serving me ends up hurting me. Don't you just love trials? They teach us about ourselves, about God and how to serve others.

There is a song that came out last year. I heard it just before I walked into Panera. Tears came to my eyes as I smiled. My focus right now is to just be. God is working on my heart and helping me get better. I don't want to fall away from Him ever again.

And now...the song :)

Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes its toll down on my soul
Cause I know what I need in my life

Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You 'til the end

Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home


The tears...ah...they are slowly going away. The exhaustion is being replaced by peace. Anxiety, almost gone. It's like I had the spiritual flu or something. Coming out of the dark and into the light...and only happy blogs now as they will be few and far between.

Now....do I get that Chai tea or not? Hmmmmm......

The aunties (my dad's sisters). They're a fun time.

Uncle Lynn and his new toy. Yeah, I could live there...and I just might.

The boat and I.

The boat.

Uncle Lynn and I living it up.

At the Cleveland Browns game with my cousin's wife. "Look at me with my $10 caramel apple dipped in fudge! Ha ha..." "Holly, it probably costs more than that." "Oh." It was good and I ate the whole thing.

Dad and Yi. This picture is just classic...if you knew what was going on. "Texas or Texas Tech?" Ha! Love you, Yi but we suck.

My pops holding Yi's favorite beer.

Andy and I. This is the same costume he wears every year except the mustache is new. "Couldn't find the blond mustache from last year." "Why not, Andy?" "Must have swallowed it." He also ends up swallowing the "gold tooth" but apparently is able to reuse it. Yuck.

Beks and I on Halloween. I was a Cheerleader for JC. The back of the shirt says, "I've got the Spirit, how about you?" I always thought the shirt was funny but some people don't. :o) The sweater is my dad's from High School.

The jig is up. Or is it...the gig is up? I don't know right now but it was fun while it lasted. Val found out about all of the little blogs and blocked them from viewing. This means I won't be reading anyone's blog if it has the word "blog" in the address. This also means I won't be writing in my blog much at all. See, you took my blog for granted didn't you? :) I was so sad and disappointed when I found out. I love reading about my friends' lives. I love to comment and just let y'all know I'm out there thinking about you. This makes taking a break at Val a lot more difficult. I can't take 5 or 10 minutes to drop in on your lives and get away from work, a break I probably needed.

But the jig and gig is up in life overall, too. I want to be so honest on this blog but I know people look down on that. However, I'm going to be really honest for a minute (and only a minute). I have been through a really shitty two months. It has not been fun. I misled myself into thinking I had it under control. When I lost control, I confessed my sins to someone, felt a little better but lost control again. Today, I felt God really tell me to come back to Him. Don't get me wrong, I've been praying like crazy but I have felt desperate, alone, fearful and somewhat out of my mind. I'm telling you I screwed up. I screwed up badly. Okay...let's be a little more honest...I haven't been taking care of myself. I seared my conscious a bit...a lot. It wasn't that I was leading a duplicitous life. The people closest to me knew what was going on. How could they not? When I'm guilty, its written on my face. I did try to hide it from the world but finally, today, I felt actually clean again.

Never thought it could happen to me. I was the girl who loved Christ so much she would die before disappointing Him. I was the girl who answered a direct prayer from God to go on a mission trip. I was the girl who was baptized and stood before the church to say I wanted to live for Christ. I declared myself a Christian and the closer I came to Him, the more I started making bad choices. And I know this happens to so many of us. I know I'm not alone anymore. It is so easy to feel that way living so far away from my church family. It is so easy to feel that way living so far away from my best friend. It is difficult but today, I felt a lot better. Not completely better but I'm getting there.

I lost sight of what it's all about: not me but Him. I want it to be about Him not my complaining, sinning nature. I want to live for Christ and seek the Holy Spirit inside me instead of pushing it way down when it screams "Stop." When I heard the wind roaring at 4:30 a.m., I knew something big was coming today. I felt helpless against the wind...that it could blow me right over. When I left to go to my mom's church, I felt like the outside world was my inside world....blowing around out of control. I made it to church and saw my nephew sitting in the very back with his dad. They both looked at me so sadly and I sat in-between them. "You missed the first part," Bradley whispered. I looked at him confused and realized they had already passed out bread for communion. Before I knew it, my brother-in-law had ripped his little piece of bread in two and handed it to me. I took it with tears in my eyes. I felt the strength of two men in my life, sitting between them as they tried to take care of me the best way they knew how. I knew I had to go to Riv. I knew there was something God wanted to show me.

The songs helped me cry and let it out. The message helped me realize a lot about the Christian man in my life and the Christian woman I desire to be. My friends helped me to be real and confess. They held my hand and practically held me up. I was going to stay away from Riv, away from the pain, but God beckoned me to come and take up the cross again...yes, I'm coming, Lord. Stumbling, failing, sinning, crying, broken, hurt and angry...I feel You're love and I know You're here. Thank you to all of my friends...brothers and sisters...who have listened and not judged. The ones who pointed out my sins and helped me to stand up. Thanks to the ones who just knew I wasn't happy and so they made me laugh or smile. Thank you to my family who was so worried about me and showered me with love and affection. Wow. I have support. And I want to support others who go through this as well.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5, 6

I've been carrying that verse around with me since Friday. I don't know if Steve used it in the service today but he could have. It fits everything that has been happening and why I've been failing. But you know how cool God is? I prayed so hard last night for strength. I told Him what I wanted...but then said "Your will but PLEASE, I need the strength to get through it." I was in church and I turned around to leave....and...have you ever come face to face with an answered prayer? It's like you feel a jolt go through you. You see everything so clearly. I don't know what the future holds but I know I'm on my way out of this valley. Thank you, God and thank you for this trial even though it beat me down and stomped on me. Even though I couldn't eat or think straight. Even though I cried every single day for the past month. Thank you because I feel like I can see clearly now, the rain is moving out...I'm not there, yet but I'm doing better.

I need to learn how to crochet....

I'm going to be a scary mom....