I’m not sitting in the front row anymore.

I always preferred the back rows. That was where the cool kids sat. In college, I heard a theory that the closer to the front you sit, the more you will understand. Cool kids sat in back. Kids with better grades sat in front. I started sitting in front. For the most part, it worked.

These past couple of weeks at church have blown me away, though. I walk into Riverview so happy and giddy, take my seat near the front, sing a bunch of songs, start listening to the message…and end up a mess. I get so frustrated! It’s like I can’t comprehend what is being said. Perhaps it is going by too fast. Or maybe, I’m so focused on trying to understand what was just said that I miss the explanation. Here are some of the notes I have written to Joey in the past three weeks:

“I don’t understand.”
“ugh!”
“I can never be the way I need to be, the way Noel is talking about.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Something is just not clicking in my brain.”
“I give up.”

I’ve really been struggling with these messages about Paradoxes. I loved the first teaching about giving up your life to gain it. I understood most but I remember looking around desperately thinking, “I can’t be that nice to people.” See, I’m a wonderful person outside of work (ha ha) but once I get there, the florescent lights burn everything I’ve just learned out of my brain. “Give more, be nice, smile, don’t complain, calm down, answer that phone call, quit surfing the net...” Sorry. I just can’t do it.

As I was saying, I lost it Sunday. I walked into Riv as chirpy as ever, fluttering from person to person and nesting in a newer area (for a little change of pace). So we sing and la, la, la…Noel comes out and starts off by giving a lot of announcements…then…gives some family business…looks in our general direction and talks about what we should do when someone sins against us. Gulp. The whole message was really difficult for me to grasp and understand but oh, could I relate. Every morning I do push myself to do better, be better. I pray, God please help me to be a nicer person. Please help me help others.

I felt truth just rushing at me, too fast for me to comprehend. Yeah, I was so overwhelmed I was sobbing by the end of church. Especially when the new U2 song was played. The whole message pretty much ruined my day. I’ll never fully understand. I’m always going to screw up even when I know not to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never get this Christianity thing right.

I was wiped out. I took a nap at my mom’s, woke up grumpier than ever, and headed home. I saw the CD of the message laying on the seat of my car. I ignored it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like going through something I viewed as emotionally exhausting twice in one day. I did want to see if that U2 song was on there, though…no! I won’t listen to it. And then I did.

I followed along. I picked up things I missed the first time. I agreed. I smiled. I think I get it.

I’m always and forever going to screw up. I just will because I’m not God. However, I have to do two things which are complete opposites of each other: give it up. Don’t give up…but give it up…to Him. Or…another way to look at it….

GOD: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
HOLLY: God, learning about these things in Riverview is one thing. Living it out in life is totally different.
GOD: No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
HOLLY: (focusing, quietly) All right, I'll give it a try.
GOD: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.
HOLLY: I don't... I don't believe it.
GOD: That is why you fail.

Um, yeah, I know God sounds a lot like Yoda. What God does tell us is so priceless. I am not to try anything. I only have to know I can’t do it on my own. He will do it.

Galatians 5:22 When the Holy Spirit lives in us, He will produce the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It isn’t me that needs to try harder, strive to be better, set up extra rules and regulations to make myself these things. It is Him…He. I just have to trust Him and know I can’t do it on my own. I must pray over it, trust Him during the day, act by the Holy Spirit inside of me, and thank God for all that is good.

Probably sounds a little wishy washy to some of you. Hey, I lived this yesterday and maybe it was just my imagination but uh…it worked. I got into a couple of jams and I thought I was screwed but I prayed right away asking for help…and everything worked out. I found myself giving a little bit more, wanting to give a little bit more. I’m also getting along with someone I never thought I would. Oh, and I went to lunch with a co-worker who had a lot of questions for me about the Bible and God. I was able to just say what came to mind…and I even used the things I learned Sunday…twice.