Pain to Remember and Forget

"Starin' at you takin' off your makeup
Wonderin' why you even put it on
I know you think you do, but baby you don't need it
Wish that you could see what I see when it's gone

Yeah, smile and shake your head as if you don't believe me
I'll just sit right here and let you take me back
I'm on that gravel road, look at me
On my way to pick you up you're standin' on the front porch
Lookin' just like that, remember that"

Joey sang these lyrics to me at the top of his lungs a year ago today. It's an awesome memory that makes me smile. It's a bad memory that makes me regret. Ever have a memory like that? It was the night we saw Joe Diffee and a photographer took our picture. This picture was posted on the Whiskey Barrel Saloon's website the next day. We flipped out but also laughed. If you didn't know by now, we were both messed up last year. Think I'm going to get more specific? No, but I want to write about it vaguely and I'll just say that Grey's Anatomy is becoming way too familiar for me.

It is strange to be where I am now and to remember where I was then. Wednesday, I was at the building I worked in last year. When I pulled out of the parking lot onto Levan, I remembered so many things. The leaves turning colors, the windy days blowing me around, the songs on the radio, the overwhelming feelings of guilt, loss, pain. I can still remember. I was placed on a pedestal and then knocked down in a day. I felt like nothing. I felt crazy. I wondered where God was but all I could do was cry in my bed and walk around like a zombie. I numbed myself from the pain I hid in my heart. I failed at work consistently. I disobeyed God consistently. I saw my path choices and KNOWINGLY selected the wrong one. God let me go. Let me rephrase that. God didn't let go of me but He let me go down the road I wanted. Funny how He did try to stop me.

I remember trying to leave work to get to Lansing for the concert. My IAMS job was blowing up and I was in a meeting with higher ups until after 6 pm. When I finally left work, the ramp to the freeway I take every day was closed. Whoa. I knew then I should turn around but I kept going. After rerouting myself, I was stuck in traffic for another half hour. The Holy Spirit urged me to turn back but I didn't. I kept going. Being stuck in a sin pattern is like that.

Things went from seemingly good to truthfully bad. God broke down both Joey and I. He made us start over from the beginning and confess our sins to others involved. But I remember being so broken when I wrote this post and the strength returning when I wrote this one. It’s been a year later and I’m still trying to sort things out a bit. I’m in a better place now. It’s like looking back on a tragedy in your life…remembering where you were on 9/11 and how you felt but sighing deeply at the healing you've done since then. Still painful, but less.

I'm a sinner and don't deserve anything from God. That's what makes Jesus so flippin awesome. God sees me through Jesus. God forgives me. So, yeah, this will be my only post reflecting back on the pain of last year. I post it to remind me when I come to this situation again in my life. Trust God. Really trust Him. I feel better being here but wonder if I could have learned more back there. I should have trusted God more. Perhaps things did turn out the way He wanted. Pre-marital counseling starts Sunday so I think we’ll work out any remaining kinks we worked into our own lives last year. Prayers are awesome, Peeps :o)