Screwed Up

I stared at the screen, hoping the longer I stared and the more I concentrated, perhaps the reality would change. The sinking feeling in my stomach pulled my already unstable emotions down with it. Shit. I f-ed up. Really bad. I raced to QA repeating the words “no, no, no...” But when I got to QA and picked up the piece, I knew I had blown it big time. I had printed my 20 page coupon book without perforations. Normally, not a big deal but the client had insisted on the perfs. I wanted to throw up. This was a $35,000 error.

I had been so focused on the puppy food job and all its craziness that I forgot to perf this job. I had been so focused on getting my first 20 page book to print correctly that I forgot to perf this job. I had been so focused on my failing personal life that I forgot to perf this job.

I sat at my desk so disappointed in myself. Dana came over and tried to talk me out of losing it completely. “Holly, these are just coupons. There are more important things in your life.” More important things? I lost it…completely.

I work late. I drive home. I eat perogies for dinner because I’m too tired to make anything else. I go to my room. Maybe I work on the computer for awhile but mostly I get under the down comforter and turn on the TV. I read from 10-11 and then try to sleep. On the weekends, sometimes I hang out with friends, sometimes I hang out with family. I have Riverview…and of course, I have a relationship with Christ. But did God really intend for me to be alone like this? I've been alone for over a year...but now...I'm alone, alone.

I sobbed right at my desk. At the end of the day, there isn’t anyone to comfort or be comforted by. If I didn’t have my co-workers, I’d be screwed. What upsets me the most is that I had the best thing in the world going for me and I blew it. I blew it big time. I know I did. How could I take things for granted? How could I not see the truth? How could I not realize? And now its gone. But I thought I was doing the right thing.

This is the lowest I’ve felt in so long. Stupid Satan…I didn’t think he could really get the best of me but my feelings of hope are replaced with ones of despair. I’m so good at pretending things are okay. But the moment I knew I had screwed up that job, God allowed me to see how bad I had screwed up things in my life...one of the most important things. I almost heard Him say, “want to come back this way now?”

Ever felt like this? Like you’d blown the biggest opportunities of your life? That second chances are what you want but not what you deserve?