The Samaritan Woman Returns

Okay. I admit it. I have acceptance issues. I want everyone to like me. I, in turn, want to like everyone back. So, what’s the problem? So, why don’t I? And why do I fall apart when the affirmation isn’t given or I’m rejected?

It’s my fault. I place expectations on people and they fail to live by them. How rude. I try to live by other people’s expectations and I fail them. How rude. This is my little story from this weekend of acceptance and why I constantly need it.

The words were quick and harsh. Cringing from their blow, I tried to dismiss my intentions. “Look, so and so, I wasn’t trying to say you don’t work hard and you couldn't possibly be so tired that you're going to go to bed at 7:30 p.m. on your 30th birthday (Yes I was). I just wanted to bring you a gift.” I was told (in an annoyed, mean voice) to just drop it off sometime. With that, I hung up. I had poured a week’s worth of work into this gift. I had stressed about it and spent too much of my free time trying to finish. Why had I done all this? To make so and so happy?

The pain of the rejection was fresh on my heart as I sat across from a friend--a friend on my spiritual 911 speed dial. I hadn’t even wanted to discuss my pain. I wanted to have a drink and to speak light heartedly about life, movies, books. It was a perfect, September evening with the full moon occasionally ducking under some clouds. As we sat under the partly cloudy sky, my friend looked at me curiously and I spilled my guts about the rejection I had just felt.

CL: I think you have acceptance issues. I read your blog. I know you do.
HB: Maybe…well…I know I do for sure with certain people. But I want to be liked by everyone.
CL: Everyone kind of does. No one likes rejection. Living your life by what others think of you, though…that’s no way to live.
HB: I know.
CL: You know the story of the Samaritan Woman?
I laughed and smacked my forward. Of course! Riv teaches on the Samaritan Woman all the darn time!
HB: Yes, the woman who went to the well in the middle of the day because she wanted to avoid people…because she was a hussy and everyone looked down on her. Jesus calls her out on her sins and tells her he can give her so much water she would never be thirsty again.
CL: What’s the water he wants to give her?
HB: Him.
CL: There is something in that exchange 99.9% of people miss. It is a small detail but John put it in the lesson for a reason. What does the woman do after she realizes who Jesus is?
HB: She runs to tell everyone else.
CL: Right…but that little detail, Holly...she leaves her bucket behind when she goes. Why did she do that? Why did John write that small detail?
I smiled as it all became so clear to me.
HB: She didn’t need it anymore. Jesus filled her up. He accepted her.

I sat there for a moment and thought all of this through. I had made the special gift for so and so because I wanted the acceptance, not exactly because I wanted to make them happy. This person is always a little mean to me because I care too much. I let it happen time and time again. No, this person had not rejected me as much as I was setting an expectation I wanted and thought I needed him to fulfill. How unfair. When I became a Christian, I felt Christ’s love for me. I saw life through a new hope. But I never fully replaced my longing for acceptance with something real. I was taking little sips of Christ’s water and doing it when I wanted. As I sat across from my friend, my eyes moved to my glass. It was empty but I was not. For one of the first real times, I felt quenched. I am stamped with Christ’s love and acceptance. I know my past is peppered with evil. I know I have the capability to be evil and set myself up for rejection. Can I be happy with a real relationship? The one I have with Christ?

HB: Wow. This Samaritan woman continues to amaze me. I wonder how many more lessons she has up her sleeve.
CL: Christ loved her and he loves you. Can you accept that?

What a simple, complex question. I stared up at the moon just in time to see the last of the clouds drift out of eyesight. The lucid sky beckoned me. Take a drink. Take all of it.

I am the Samaritan woman. I’m her over and over again because I keep expecting my relationships with people to fulfill me instead of letting Christ fulfill me. The Samaritan woman got it, though. She left her bucket behind. I find myself still holding my bucket out to others without realizing it is already overflowing.