Open Letter

Sometimes I write about things and You can see that I’m getting it. You smile on me to encourage my strides. Sometimes, I get cocky, too self-righteous. So You humble me. Sometimes You see how I think I’m right but I’m clearly wrong, either misunderstanding Your word, twisting it to suit my wants, or blatantly ignoring it.

I enter church on Sunday morning, always feeling good about my walk but almost every time, somewhere during the service, I start to get angry. The pastors except so much from us! Last week it was anger management. A time before they talked about being a missionary and this week the topic was about not trying to throw out the non-Christians. Every single week, they point out an area that most of us suck at so I’m constantly feeling like a failure.

You know that crazy pastor You put in a leadership role at Riv? Yeah, You know which one I’m talking about. He taught on parables this weekend. He discussed several of the parables You taught on but the one that really got to me was the one about the weeds and the wheat. I’m sure You know which one I’m referring to. The farmer plants the wheat and then the mean dude comes along and plants the gross weed, mixing up the wheat and the weeds. You said not to pull out the weeds even though when the weeds grew, they would look just like wheat except that the weeds cause diarrhea and vomiting. You want the wheat (Christians) to grow with the weeds (pre-Christians & non-Christians). As your follower, I shouldn’t try to weed people out. If You don’t, what gives me the right? Was I doing this in my rant about homosexuality? Do I do this in my life? Why do I feel like the pastors are talking directly to me? Why do my friends think they are talking directly to them?

This is where the anger starts. Why try if I’m never going to get the whole picture? Why even show up if they are just going to point out all of these areas in which I thought I was doing okay because of a previous teaching but now I find that I suck? Church makes me feel like crap.

So why do I bother? Why do I keep showing up week after week? Why do I look forward not only to the people, but to the music and especially the teaching?

Because of You.

I can safely, confidently, loyally and faithfully answer certain questions when asked. I’m not a poser. You know my heart. You saved my life. You speak to me through these lessons and calm my frustrations. Once I get through my frustrations, I see the lesson You want me to learn (but why so many?!?!).

A question was asked during the service: list your non-Christian friends. I could have gone on and on. My problem was that I didn’t have any Christian friends! I knew I needed some, too and thanks to several programs and to the mission trip, I do now. But back to those pre-Christian friends of mine…

I went to a pig roast on Saturday night. I was a girl surrounded by refugees. They all spoke of sex in a vulgar, disgusting manner. They all talked about getting wasted and how they deserved it. They even spoke of drugs and were under the influence. As I sat around the camp fire, kind of keeping to myself, the following conversation took place:

Woman #1: Can you believe so and so is going to wait until she gets married?!
Woman #2: That’s absurd.
Woman #1: I know! I mean I can’t imagine not knowing if the guy is going to be horrible in bed or not. You’ve got to know before you spend the rest of your life with him!
Me: (ever so sweetly) Well, isn’t it true that even after you get married, it still takes years and years and tons of practice to become sexually compatible?
Woman #1: Well….(thoughtful look of “maybe you have a point”)
Me: I think its awesome that she’s waiting until marriage.
Subject changes.

As I drove home that night, I thought about the difference in hanging out with my Christian friends and my non-Christian friends. I do tend to feel slightly more comfortable with the Christian friends. Some subjects are just off limits because of disrespectful topics. I don’t have to worry about drunkenness or drugs. But the rest is pretty much the same. When I’m with both sets, we laugh and joke and dance and tease. When I’m around the Christians, there isn’t a bunch of God talk. We don’t sit around and sing Kumbia. In fact, we rarely do talk about spirituality (I wonder why that is) but I also know it’s an open door policy. If I say something about You or Christianity, I don’t get weird looks (for the most part). Things definitely are more centered around You.

As I drove home, I thought about the differences in hanging with both groups. I wanted out of the weeds. I considered that perhaps it would be better to only hang with Christ Followers from now on. I punked out. When that crazy guy brought it up Sunday, it made me realize I was wrong. I had forgotten my purpose and You quickly averted me from a self righteous path.

I need to be in the weeds because I teach them by representing You. “We are…Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” 2 Corinthians 5:20. My friends know they can count on me for prayer and a tender understanding of their struggles. When they are feeling lost, they come to me and I try with a God centered ear. Non-Christians will find shelter in Christians. It might even be that I need the weeds. The weeds offer a “real-world” view, if you will. They challenge us and offer us trials which make us stronger. How beautiful.

Thank You, again, for sticking with me. Your love doesn’t seem to run out on me no matter how frustrating I am and this is why I bother. This is how I know my aggravation isn’t directed at the people You’ve chosen to teach us. My anger is really just at myself. I just struggle, along with the rest of the world.