Unanswerable Questions

On May 23, 1994, I handed in my last Modern English Literature paper to Mrs. Lynch, 5th hour. It was handed back to me a week later with the following note: Holly-This is so special-it made me cry because I was once-and maybe still am, that little girl, too—I doubt, I question, I ache for answers which don’t come-you put it together in pain and hope. A+

This might be the only A+ I ever received. It was definitely the most important because I bared my soul to Mrs. Lynch. I seriously took the barriers down and wrote as if my reputation didn’t matter. I believe this paper reflects the faith struggle I was going through 10 years ago. I couldn’t write the faith journey without this reflection of myself at 18-years-old. I’m not sure I’ll share the whole thing. Some of it is too private to post. But I’ll share what matters. This paper wasn’t about shock value. It wasn’t full of original ideas.

Please keep in mind this writing reflects who I was 10 years ago. I was seriously a confused individual :) Here goes nothing....

Unanswerable Questions
It was the month where the snow covered most of the Western Hemisphere. Chilly winds brought drifting snow through the midnight sky. Most people were asleep. Some people were preparing for the next day’s Sunday service. This midnight was no different from the rest. It was this midnight, however, a baby girl was born.

Did she blow in with the chilly winds? Was she brought with the drifting snow? Could she have been sent from the heavens above? No one asked the questions. No one seemed to care. The baby was there, finally, and every heart that knew her felt blessed.

The baby girl was tucked away in a cozy little town. An abundance of security surrounded her life. Daddy, Mommy, Sissy, and baby Jesus were among her first words. She was brought into God’s body and baptized.

A tragedy struck the baby girl’s home. The death of her grandfather shook the family. As his loved ones buried him, they looked to his baby granddaughter sadly. She would never know the great man he was. They thought, “God must have His reasons.”

The little girl’s security was taken from her at a young age. The family split up. Daddy moved to Lansing and Sissy went to live up north. Her mother was left to guide her. They moved far away from her cozy home into a nicer home with a man, a boy, and a girl. Her new companions quickly became her older brother and younger sister. The little girl was surrounded by new security and happiness, yet her heart ached for her father and Sissy.

The little girl’s mother decided to begin the teachings of religion. Church and Sunday School were attended. Stories for Jesus’ miracles were read. They fascinated her young mind. However, her mother never explained the more specific ideas of their Methodist religion. The little girl lost interest but not faith in God nor Jesus. Even at her young age, the little girl decided that she did not believe in organized religion.

Time passed. The little girl spent the weekdays at school and the weekends at her father’s home. Once a year, she and her mother would travel up north to visit her grandparents and Sissy. Life was grand. God was loved.

The girl began middle school. She made some friends and her time was occupied. She said her prayers every night and respected all of the Ten Commandments. She even attended church annually to please her mother.

The girl’s life was so secure and happy, she didn’t see death sneaking up behind her. Slowly and painfully, it took a friend. For the first time, anger towards God filled her heart. Unanswerable questions were raised.

Where was Kim? Was she on earth watching everyone as an angel? Was she in heaven with God? Kim’s step-mother gave birth to Kim’s brother the day after she died. Had Kim been reincarnated into the baby boy? Was she just dead? How could God take a fourteen-year-old daughter, new sister, and friend?

Months sped by and July brought a summer rainfall. After the rain ended, the girl and a friend were driving on a three wheeler. The girl saw the barbed wire fence but the tires slid in the mud. Her leg and arm were ripped open. The friend climbed over the fence and began to run the half mile for help. The girl was left alone.

She screamed in fear for help. She screamed for Kim. Loneliness surrounded her. She began to say the Lord’s Prayer. It was then that a ray of sunlight burst through the clouds and shone on her broken body. The girl’s spirits were raised. She felt God. She felt Kim. She felt her grandfather. She wanted to go to them. Her spirits soared. The pain was gone. Someone shook her body. She had been rescued. God was forgiven.

A new school was attended. Her brother and sister fit in perfectly. Everyone seemed to hate the girl. The girl wanted friends but had a hard time making them. Then, another major tragedy hit the family. Her step-father’s best friend was killed in a car accident half a mile from their home. Her step-father turned to alcohol. Long nights in the bar pushed him away from his son, daughter and wife. The girl didn’t really care. Her feelings were gone.

Summer came. It brought warm temperatures, nights in the tent listening to the countryside fall asleep, fireworks, bike rides, pool parties, and a separation.

The girl and her mother fled for happiness to a place called Holt. At first, the girl was terribly lonely without her brother and sister, but now she lived ten minutes away from her father and Sissy lived down the street with her new dog and new husband.

School started and Holt became the heaven she had hoped for. New friends filled the gaps and new adventures brought her smile back. Unanswerable questions she used to ponder on became trivial. Living life was more important.

The death of Ryan White took a little more faith away from God. The girl believed Ryan was supposed to make it. He was a good person. Why did God allow him to get A.I.D.’s? Why did Ryan have to suffer? If God was purely good, why did all of these horrible things happen?

In the middle of her tenth grade year, the biggest miracle of all occurred. Her baby nephew was born. He arrived in the middle of a snowstorm. He was born at a difficult time. Sissy was going through a divorce. However, the baby boy brought everyone hope.

The girl began to ask questions again. Where did the little miracle come from? Did he come in with the drifting snow or the chilly winds? Why was he born now, at a time when the world seemed to be crumbling?

The girl grew. A new best friend entered her world and they were inseparable. They felt they were now mature enough to begin drinking. They went back to the girl’s old home and partied with her brother. They drank. They had fun. They enjoyed their youth.

The snow came back and brought a new tragedy. A girl they partied with was killed. Their beer bottles dropped and shattered.

The girl reached inside herself for help. People called her moody. Some called her a bitch. The only thing she could see was the future. Her final year of true adolescence had arrived. It was time to grow up. High school life became juvenile. She was tired of the petty fights and insignificant friendships. Drinking and drugs were stupid. She preached against "certain things"…and then did them. Everyone thought she was so special. She going to be the first in her family to go away to college. No one knew. No one except for God. Of course He knew. He let it happen to her.

She scrambled inside for an answer. She couldn’t let her family down. She had prom, college, a future. The little baby, who was now a young woman, brought those unanswered questions up again.

She had been baptized but what did that mean? She had been a fairly good child and had always put her faith in God. She did not believe in organized religions but used their churches to worship God on her own terms.

The tragedies had always come with the snow: grandpa, Kim, Allen, Ryan and Christina were dead. Yet, the snow had also brought in miracles and hope: her own birth, the birth of Kim’s brother, and the birth of her nephew. So the girl attempted to rationalize God’s reasons. Kim’s death prepared her for the other tragedies. Allen’s death had brought her to Holt. Ryan’s death had saved him from a vicious disease. Christina’s death forced her to rethink her habits and way of life. Were these lessons of God or just lessons of human life?
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I’ll come out of this shell to say I believe in fate. I believe I control my life. I believe in God, though sometimes I think he might exist only because people need to have something to believe in. After all, the things that have happened in my life, it’s easy to put my faith in something superior.

But it makes me wonder. We all start out to be perfect little babies no person hates. As we grow, something changes us. Some remain good, others stray far from innocence. We gain enemies. We gain tragedies. We gain miracles, too. Things tend to even out rather than being all good or bad. We get ourselves into our own messes. How can God control all of this?

One of my biggest questions is where is Jesus? If he’s the messiah, why hasn’t he come back? Is it because all of his brothers and sisters have turned their backs? Or is it because Jesus was just a quack like the one at my step-mother’s church? I believe in Jesus. He was a real man who performed miracles and loved people but how does He fit into my life?

Now Matt’s gone. Damn it. We all pulled for him. We showed him how much we cared even though we didn’t know him and now he’s gone. Two weeks until graduation and he’s gone. The hallways I walk and see, he once saw but now he’s gone. Just like that. His life is gone and ours goes on. Our God did this?

In the end, maybe we are the ones who watch out for ourselves. Maybe there is no reason to be kind to one another or to abide by the rules. Maybe there is no ultimate goal. It’s hard to imagine, however. There must be a heaven. My faith is somewhere but it’s lost. The only thing I have are these unanswerable questions.